Tartarus.
Nearly as old as Equestria itself, it had long been a source of dread and rumor among the populace. There wasn't a pony in the land (save a select few) that didn't grow up with parental warnings about where they'd be sent if they didn't eat their thistles. The fact that it had been largely decommissioned and only held two prisoners now was not public knowledge; it would not do to let ponies know that the bugbears, cockatrices, and other dangerous beasts had been removed for rehabilitation, even if they were in the capable hooves of a certain yellow pegasus.
Like many places of high magical design, Tartarus had been envisioned and constructed by none other than that legendary unicorn, Star Swirl the Bearded. This also was not common knowledge, but it would come as no surprise to anyone who'd studied his works (even if he hadn't unexpectedly become available for comment). As was the case for most of his creations, it was the product of an overwhelming amount of magical skill and power.
And paradoxically, as was the case for most of his creations, it was also astoundingly lazy.
Need to incarcerate a single centaur (and, later, a selection of aggressive wildlife)? Build an unnecessarily huge prison with life-sustaining enchantments, throw him in, and basically forget about him! Are a trio of sirens causing havoc across the countryside? Send them to another dimension! Heck, just use the same spell to send away any problematic artifacts! Out of sight, out of mind! And if your trusted friend goes rogue, why, there's clearly nothing for it but to sacrifice yourself and your colleagues in a massively impressive banishment ritual. What's that? Talk to him first? Don't be ridiculous.
Because, similar to many other wizards across the multiverse, Star Swirl's firm unspoken belief was that when Could and Should crossed paths, Could was permitted to knock down Should and take its lunch money. 'Negotiation' and 'rehabilitation' were never words in his vocabulary (and this was unfortunately inherited by one of his most trusted students). As a result, while he studied and respected the power of Harmony, he never really understood Harmony.
Tartarus had a flaw. It was a flaw that Tirek had discovered during his centuries of imprisonment, but had been unable to exploit until very recently. It was a flaw that Twilight Sparkle had suspected deep down while she helped renovate the security measures, but hadn't truly examined out of devotion to her idol; this would soon change.
It was a flaw that, although he had no clue it even existed, Spy was about to take advantage of.
In a little over eighteen minutes.
Even now, years after her release, Luna's bedroom was still slightly musty. All of the lavender in the world couldn't completely banish the residual odor of a room sealed for centuries. Of course, she never mentioned this to her sister, accepting the situation instead as a minor form of penance.
The bed, at least, was brand new, or at least the mattress was. The frame had been lovingly restored by experts in the craft, every bit of ancient wood polished to a pristine alabaster glow. Which was actually something of an issue; she loved Celestia dearly, but considering where Luna had spent the previous centuries, she'd had... mixed feelings when her sister had proudly opened the door to reveal as ...
It was her bed. She'd recognized it instantly from the time before her incarceration. She couldn't possibly complain about the choice of decor. Yet it was still undeniably a bed in the shape of a crescent moon. A moon that would surround her, contain her every time she went to sleep. And Celestia had thought she was doing Luna a favor by restoring it.
This, too, was a penance.
Now she was not so much contained as entrenched within the unfortunate thing, wrapped in a protective cocoon of blankets. Nothing but her muzzle poked out from beneath the covers, nose and mouth her only connection to the outside world. Presently, she took the long, slow breath of one escaping their slumber... and then smiled.
The headache was gone! Mercifully, wonderfully gone. Luna's nap had done her a world of good, it seemed, and she lay in blissful relief.
That had definitely been an experience she didn't want to repeat. She'd never - never - been attacked in the Dream Realm, even back when... well, back when ponies had cause to resist her presence, to put it bluntly (and shamefully). Whoever she'd met in Tirek's dream, he'd used violence as if it was second nature to him. Luna hadn't even been a threat at that point, and he'd simply struck her down without hesitation.
No... she was certain now that it hadn't been Tirek. The centaur wouldn't have been able to resist the urge to gloat.
Well, now was the time to get to the bottom of it. She was well rested and fully recovered; if her attacker was still haunting the Dream Realm, she'd be ready for him this time. And, conveniently, one did not have to get out of bed to reach it. (In fact, doing so was generally the wrong way to go about it.)
With only the slightest trace of magic, she focused on the mental path to the destination of all sleeping minds, a path she'd traveled countless times before...
Nothing happened.
She tried again, then once again with a keen sense of desperation and dread. This could not be! Had the attack left her incapable of accessing the Dream Realm?! What kind of power did her assailant possess that he could sever her connection?! This was... catastrophic! She had to-!
In her panic, three things happened. First, she fell out of the bed, but that was to be expected. Second, her horn tore through the indigo-dyed sheets, ripping a hole large enough to free her head and therefore exposing her dark-adjusted eyes to pure sunlight. And third, she discovered that the headache was not actually gone; it had only stepped away for a moment and just what did she think she was doing?
Luna hastily ducked beneath the remnants of her sheet and waited for the pain, as well as the spots in her eyes, to fade. It was a full minute and a half before she recovered enough to pick out the most important keyword from her recent experience:
Sunlight?!
She peered fractionally out from under the blanket, and confirmed that, indeed, light was flowing in from a window.
Like her sister, Luna had an absolutely precise internal clock. They both knew when the sun and moon should rise, and when they should set. It was now a solid half hour past the scheduled moonrise, and yet...
It didn't take her long to follow the logic to its conclusion, and take an educated guess at the reasoning behind it. Her dear, overprotective, foolish sister was willing to throw not only the lives of everypony in Equestria, but also the heavenly circles themselves into chaos just to let her sleep! Luna didn't need to be coddled! She...
The alicorn hesitated, peeked out from under her blanket again, then swiftly retreated. Luna had never heard the phrase 'icepicks in the retinas' before, but if she had she would have found it excruciatingly appropriate.
...well. Perhaps she could rest a little longer. Here on the floor. Under her blanket. Where the Sun couldn't find her.
"I need to have a little chat with Tirek," Tempest announced. "Take Cozy Glow's cage to one of the other 'cells'."
And then she moved her head slightly, aiming one baleful eye at him. "She doesn't need to be here for this."
...ah. Well, then.
With a 'whuff' of acknowledgement, the beast carefully grasped the cage with its center jaws, then turned toward the stairs. "Tirek?" Cozy Glow said, her voice full of concern and growing fear, but before he could say a word, Cerberus stepped off the plateau and painstakingly made his way downwards. Soon, Spy and Tempest were alone, and silence ruled the land once more. The mare still hadn't moved, seeming content to let the tension rise.
So. It was to be torture after all. Hardly his favorite past time, either receiving or giving, but it was part of the job and he'd had ample training to endure that sort of thing. Meditation, disassociation, Bangladeshi marten-style autohypnosis; they all had their place. If nothing else, he could get a slight but pleasant buzz from the bottle of... no, wait, that was in his real body. Unfortunate. Still, whatever the mare decided to do, he could withstand it. It wasn't as if these creatures had the technology to be truly inventive.
There was a hoofstep, and he looked up to see Tempest finally leaving the edge of the plateau. She walked almost absently toward the center, not even glancing in his direction.
...on the other hand, she did have a built-in cattle prod, he realized, and wished he hadn't. For the second time in less than a day, he was glad this body lacked nipples. No, stay focused. Whatever she decided to do, whatever vile sadism she'd concocted, he had to be prepared for it. He had to-
"Do you want to get out of here, Tirek?"
Spy was getting tired of having his expectations flouted like this.
"I beg your pardon?" he said, and no acting was required to make it sound incredulous.
"You heard me." Her tone was soft, conversational. "Do you want to get out of this place?"
"You mean... leave? Leave Tartarus? Just like that?"
"That's right."
It was a trick. It had to be. "Oh, I don't know," he said sarcastically, "I've gotten rather fond of the place over the centuries. It just needs a little dusting, some new carpeting, perhaps a swimming pool..."
"I'm serious."
He snorted. "I doubt it. You asked that question as if you didn't already know the answer. If all you're going to do is play silly games, Berrytwist, then we have nothing to talk about!"
(Fifteen minutes.)
"I'm trying to-!" A single spark popped from her horn, but she took a long breath and none of its brethren followed suit. "Look, Tirek," she said, stepping closer. "I want to help you. I honestly do. I might be the only mare in Equestria that's willing to give you a fair shake; you never drained my magic, after all, and I've got no right to judge anycreature for the things they've done in the past. I'm as neutral as you're gonna get."
(Neither centaur nor mare noticed, but the light in the cavern became slightly more... orange around them. This light swiftly precipitated into near-invisible colored motes, which fell to the floor and coalesced into a faint mist.)
Spy regarded her skeptically. "Less than ten minutes ago you were ready to blast me to oblivion, and now you expect me to believe you want to help me? What's your angle, pony?"
She dipped her head slightly, acknowledging the point. "Maybe... maybe I've been in your position, too. Maybe I know what it's like to... run out of options."
"And for that you'd let me just waltz through those doors and terrorize Equestria again?"
Tempest gave him a wry smile. "Now, I never said that, did I?"
He rolled his eyes and reached for the newspaper, which had fallen from his cage during the earlier incident. "This is becoming tedious. If you have a point, please get to-"
"Did you know there are other worlds than this, Tirek?"
That made him pause briefly, his mind suddenly working at top speed. "Excuse me?" he said, to buy time.
"Worlds other than ours. Other... oh, what was the word... dimensions, that's it. Places where things are completely different, and that are totally separated from Equestria."
Well, yes, now he did, and he imagined Tirek was quite familiar with the concept, being that he'd dragged Spy here in the first place. But would it benefit him to admit this knowledge? No. On the other hand, Tirek would be loathe to appear ignorant on any subject, so: "I... may have heard of such things."
Tempest started to circle the cage again, but this time there was no sense of menace to the action. "Well, it turns out that the Princesses have direct access to one of these worlds."
...oh, really?
"Apparently it's full of these gangly things on two legs called, um... hyoo-mins, I think it was?"
...oh, really?!
"It's a big state secret. Most ponies don't even know about that place..." She quirked a smile. "...but then, most ponies aren't good friends with a certain Princess who get super chatty about her latest projects."
"What are you getting at?" he asked cautiously, keeping his screaming desire to learn more well-contained.
"Well, the thing about that world is that it doesn't have any magic. Almost no magic," she corrected herself. "There's been some leakage from here to there, but it sounds like it only shows up in the form of artifacts and things like that. Nothing that you'd be able to absorb, if you even still had that ability on that side."
Comprehension dawned. "You're talking about exile."
She nodded.
"Banish the diabolical centaur to this magicless world where he can't do any harm," he continued thoughtfully.
"Well, even if you tried," she said, "it sounds like Sparkle's got some good friends over there, and they've taken down Equestrian refugees and magical calamities and so on. I'd bet they could keep you in line."
He rubbed his chin - still an odd sensation, what with the beard - and made a show of thinking this over while his mind did happy cartwheels. Yes! Perfect! A golden ticket back home! All right, he wouldn't have his own body, but if the Medic couldn't transplant this brain into something a little more presentable, he wasn't the man Spy thought he was. And best of all, he could blame Tirek for his little... indiscretion with the briefcase. Thank you, my dear little pony; you're solving all of my problems at once!
(Twelve minutes.)
Calm yourself, calm yourself. Don't ruin this by seeming overeager. "And Celestia has approved this idea?"
"Well... no," Tempest admitted. "I just came up with it. But I can talk to Sparkle about it, and Celestia listens to her... at least half of the time. I think it's got a good shot of working. And if they don't want to endanger these hyoomins, maybe they can put you in some other uninhabited dimension and just close the door behind you or something."
That would be... less than ideal. Best make sure it doesn't happen.
"Point is, you'd be gone. Out of our manes, for good."
He stared at her doubtfully. "Why are you doing this?"
She gave a one-shoulder shrug. "Celestia's got an old-fashioned idea of punishment, but me, I consider one thousand years to be time served. But you got out of here once; who's to say you won't do it again? It's better for Equestria if the possibility never comes up. And, well, short of the... ahem... permanent option, if you catch my drift... this would be a good compromise."
Then Tempest looked around at the cavern. "...and to be honest," she added with a scowl, "the whole idea of Tartarus has started to make me sick to my stomach. Nobody deserves this place. Not even you."
(An ever-so-slightly yellow glow appeared around them, then descended to join, but not mix with, its orange predecessor.)
"...you really mean that," he said softly.
"Yeah. I really do." She stopped in front of him, and their eyes met. "So what's it gonna be, Tirek? Whatever happens, it's got to be better than this place."
Better indeed! This was hardly the outcome he expected from this little chat, and it was a bit of a shame he and Cozy Glow had gone through all that training and planning for nothing, but he would be a fool to refuse such a fortuitous offer. All he had to do was play along and avoid getting found out, and he would be free and clear. Victory was so close he could almost taste it!
Later - and not much later - he would realize that he should have known better.
Spy couldn't make this too easy for her, though. He had to play his part just right. "...you're asking a lot, pony," he said, clasping his hands behind his back and turning away. "You would have me give up not only my power, but my ambition as well." Yes, keep the tone slow and thoughtful. Avoid suggesting that you've already made up your mind.
Tempest stepped forward to stand next to him. "Your ambition hasn't been working out for you so far," she noted mildly. "Maybe it's time for a change."
(Ten minutes.)
He grunted. "What I seek is control. To command the fear and respect of those beneath me. What 'change' is there for a tyrant?"
She mulled this over for a moment, then with a sidelong glance said, "...have you considered a career as a school teacher?"
This got a chuckle out of him, which proved so surprising that Tempest let out one of her own. They laughed together, and though it didn't last long, it was still a shared moment between them...
(Pink appeared, and the motes all but danced downward, spinning and cavorting around orange and yellow.)
Then Spy sighed, injecting a small but detectable hint of resignation into it. "I'm... tired, Tempest. Tired of this place, of the memories of the battles I've lost. A new world... I can't say it's not tempting."
"Well, I can't promise your own little empire, but-"
"-it's better than this," he finished. Spy stood quietly for a time, eyes closed in contemplation until he decided it had been long enough. "I suppose I have no choice. Another thousand years in Tartarus would be simply intolerable."
A slow smile spread across her face. "Okay," she breathed. "Okay. I'll pitch my idea to Sparkle the next time I see her."
"And I'll inform Cozy Glow of the details," he said. "I'm not sure why you sent her away, in fact. It would have saved time, letting her know that she and I would be..." His words began to falter as realization slowly dawned. "...going... to..."
("She doesn't need to be here for this.")
'Not much later' had abruptly come due.
"Oh. I guess I wasn't clear," Tempest said, moving around to face him head on. Her sky-blue eyes pierced straight through him. "Cozy Glow isn't part of this. She. Stays. Here."
"What? But... you said..."
"You may have spent more than enough time in here, but she tried to remove all magic from Equestria. You of all creatures know how much damage that would have caused! You just drained ponies; this would have been ten times worse!" She shook her head. "No. She stays. That's final."
The mare looked at his expression and appeared to become puzzled. "C'mon, Tirek, it's not like you need her around, right? She's got no more magic sticking to her, after all, and odds are you wouldn't even be able to drain her in the other world. You'll be free to do what you want - well, mostly - with no ponies to push you around. Just say the word," she concluded cheerfully, "and we'll get things moving."
Spy tried to get his breathing under control even as the anger continued to rise. It... it would be so easy to agree. It should be easy! The red carpet of victory had been laid out in front of him, a way out of this waking nightmare of a world, and it would take no effort whatsoever! Just say yes, you imbecile! What are you waiting for?!
There was a sudden pain in his mouth, and the taste of blood. He was gritting his teeth so hard that, despite the protections of Tartarus, he'd cut himself with one of Tirek's extra-long incisors.
No. He could still win this somehow. Couldn't he? There... there had to be... another way...
He felt Tempest's breath on his neck; she'd slipped her head into the cage, held her muzzle near his ear. "Unless," she whispered, "there's a reason you don't want to leave Cozy Glow behind."
And there it was. The truth he'd been so unwilling to admit, even to himself.
It would be easy to give in. Oh, yes. He could accept Tempest's offer and return home to Earth, back to a life of carefree and indiscriminate murder. Of course, it probably wouldn't be that easy - it might not be his Earth, the way his luck had been going - but he was a man of many talents. He could make do, even when saddled (aheh) with this bizarre body, and he had no doubt he would rise to the top once more. Any world so closely adjacent to Equestria was unlikely to be prepared for someone like him. It would be a veritable cakewalk.
For that matter, why relocate? He could reveal his true identity to Tempest and enlist the aid of the Princesses to undo whatever Tirek had done. If that wasn't possible, then it would be no trouble integrating into Equestrian society... well, apart from the fact that he was wearing the centaur's face, of course. A bit of a barrier to societal advancement, to be sure, but then again who knew what magic might accomplish? Either way, a spot of government work would get him on his feet (or hooves); if nothing else, his combat experience would easily net him a military position, perhaps even as a centaur in the royal guard. A strangely compelling idea, that, though his talents would be much better put to use as... well, not to put too fine a point on it, but as a spy. An actual spy, gathering information and acquiring secrets, not the blood-soaked role he'd played to perfection for the last several years. Oh, it was worthy work, but he would relish the opportunity to use his brain more than his knife, and Celestia didn't seem the type to need assassins. Not when she had so many other horrific options available.
In any case, it was clear that taking the path of least resistance, following the stream of destiny downhill rather than fighting against the current, was the key to anything he might want.
And at the other end of that path, in every tributary of the stream, Cozy Glow sat in a cage in Tartarus, alone.
It was preposterous. He was a hardened killer. A cold-blooded murderer. The fate of a single child - of another species, no less - was nothing but an obstacle to be overcome, if it stood between him and his objective. It shouldn't matter to him... but it did. He could deny that no longer. Any plan that resulted in leaving the filly behind was unacceptable. Even a temporary separation was too risky; he couldn't be sure that he could arrange for her escape any time soon, if at all. The thought of Cozy Glow by herself in this oubliette eclipsed all other concerns. He couldn't abandon her, no matter what.
Merde.
Tempest stepped back, and the motion drew him out of his introspection. She stared at him, her gaze poring over his features... then she drew a long, slow breath. "Well, what do you know?" she said quietly. "It's true."
As Spy looked down at her, indignant and uncertain, the mare began to laugh. It was the loud, sustained laugh of someone who had just gotten the joke. "What's so funny?" he demanded.
With a noticeable effort, she caught her breath. "Oh... oh, wow! If I hadn't seen it for myself, I wouldn't have believed it! Who would've thought, right?"
"What are you...?"
Tempest stared up at him with an expression of wonder, her eyes dancing with slightly malicious glee. "It's not just an act, is it? You really do care about Cozy Glow!"
He gaped at her for a moment, then scowled. "Don't be ridiculous!"
"Oh, no, no. It's even better than that." Her grin grew even wider as she savored her next few words. "You're friends with Cozy Glow."
The wince was hardly theatrical. "You've lost your mind. By no means am I-!"
"Shh, shh, shh. It's okay. I won't tell anyone but the Princesses, all right? I won't tell all of Equestria that the big evil overlord got defeated by the power of friendship." She paused thoughtfully. "...again."
He glowered at her. "Will you listen for a moment? Whatever you're thinking, you're wrong. I am not 'friends' with that little dust rag of a pony. The very idea makes me nauseous."
"You can tell yourself that all day long if you want," she replied calmly. "I'm on to you. I may have gotten to the friendship party a little later than most ponies, but I can see the signs. All that talk about how you'd abandon her... it was all just a ruse, wasn't it? That was the fake part, not the rest of it."
They locked gazes, and it was he who looked away. She wasn't entirely correct, but it was close enough to the mark to do the job.
Tempest smiled. "Thought so. And y'know what the best part about this whole thing is?" she asked, amusement still ringing from every word. "This entire scheme just had to be Sparkle's idea. There's no way Celestia or Luna could have come up with it. Now, that's just a pinch of salt in the wound, isn't it?"
(Six minutes.)
Spy's brow furrowed in honest confusion. "What in blazes are you on about?"
"Oh, I'll tell you what I'm 'on about', she said in cheerful mockery. "See, after the first couple of times I came to check on you two, I started wondering about Cozy Glow. Maybe working for the Storm King made me numb to that kind of thing, because I didn't really think about it at first, but then it hit me: there's a kid in this place. Okay, sure, Celestia's just kind of like that, but... a foal? Really? Put right next to the creature that tried to conquer Equestria twice? It made no sense. So I started asking around, and nobody else could figure out the logic behind it either. Only the Princesses knew, and they weren't talking."
Tempest walked to the edge of the plateau, though this time instead of the rocky expanse below she stared at another outcropping, upon which Spy could just barely make out the form of Cerberus seated next to Cozy Glow's cage. "But just now, watching you two cover for each other, defend each other, caring about each other... it all makes sense. They put her here," she finished triumphantly, "so that you two would become friends."
He couldn't stop staring at her. "I beg your pardon? Why in the world would your Princesses want two of their greatest enemies to join forces?"
"Well, obviously because having a good friend will make you forget all about your evil ways," she said, her voice heavy with sarcasm. She caught him rolling his eyes, and chuckled. "Yeah, I know, it's corny, and it had to be a long shot. But like it or not, that's how things work around here; I'm living proof, right? Anyway, this has got Twilight's hoofprints all over it. She' probably would've tried to win you over herself - she's got a good track record in the reformation department - but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't exactly be falling over yourself to be her friend."
"That... goes without saying," he hedged.
"So instead, she gets Cozy Glow - the 'Empress of Friendship' - installed as your cellmate. If anyone could break through your defenses, it'd be her."
Spy frowned, thinking this over. The plan Tempest described was inane, childish and self-defeating... which probably meant it made perfect logical sense in this world. But... was that really what happened? He had his doubts, but he could analyze it later. "That definitely sounds like an idea only a fool like Twilight Sparkle would come up with," he said. "And I still don't admit that I'm friends with the little urchin."
Tempest sighed. "Come on, Tirek. You were willing to sacrifice your freedom rather than leave Cozy Glow behind."
He crossed his arms defiantly. "I had my reasons."
"Right. Sure. Well, don't worry; I'll still hold up my end of the bargain. In fact, this should probably make things easier. If the Princesses know that you can actually be friends with somepony - even a messed-up filly like her - they'll be more likely to put you on probation, so to speak."
Spy remained silent for a moment, then: "And what happens to Cozy Glow?"
Her expression softened. "Oh, don't worry about her, either. Once you're gone, they won't need to keep her in here anymore." Tempest hesitated, then sighed. "Look, I know you'll miss her, but there's no way the Princesses would agree with sending her with you to some other world. She'll be happier here in Equestria, with other ponies. You have to see that. But I promise that I'll do everything I can to make sure she's taken care of, okay? One way or another, I'll personally guarantee that."
(Pale white mist appeared, its very presence making the other hues seem a bit brighter.)
Spy closed his eyes. So, was this it? He feared it was. Tempest had guessed enough of the truth to reach a reasonable conclusion, and there was nothing he could do short of breaking his cover to change her mind. And even then, would it really affect anything? The Princesses would no more allow Cozy Glow to be escorted by some alien assassin from another dimension than they would Tirek himself. No, assuming Tempest's theory was correct - which was by no means assured - the filly would likely be sent to... some foster home or another, assuming her parents were no longer around, and that might hardly be better than imprisonment. Regardless, he could see no outcome where they both left Tartarus together. He'd lost...
...which only left one option.
(Three minutes.)
When he didn't respond, Tempest turned and walked toward the stairs. "I'd better head to Canterlot, then. The sooner I can talk to the Princesses, the sooner we can all put this awful place behind us. Probably better not to tell Cozy about..." She stopped and considered. "...no, I'll leave it up to you whether to tell her you're leaving. It's the least I can do... even though you two 'aren't friends'."
Did he dare take this step? Throw everything away, for the sake of one child?
Would he be able to live with himself if he didn't?
Tempest's hoof was two inches from the first step down when he finally spoke: "The deal's off."
Her ears twitched, and she turned to look at him. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"
"I said 'no deal'," he confirmed. "I'm going to stay right here."
She laughed and shook her head. "Yeah, very funny, Tirek. No, you're not." He just stared at her, his arms still crossed, and her grin slowly became a scowl. "No," she repeated firmly. "You're not."
(Two minutes.)
"Did you really think I'd abandon my dreams of world domination so easily?" he asked with a sneer. "I knew you ponies were gullible, but this...!"
"Don' t you try to pull that on me," she shot back. "I'm sorry you won't be able to take Cozy with you, but-"
He laughed in the most insulting manner he could manage (which, being French, was saying quite a lot). "That was only your delusion, fool of a pony! Send her away or keep her here; either way, I couldn't care less!"
"Oh, please! That just means either she's out of Tartarus, or she's here with you! That's a win-win as far as you're concerned!"
"And what's more," he said, ignoring this, "now that I know about Twilight Sparkle's 'special project', I'll have a whole other world to conquer once I get bored of Equestria!" He laughed again. "Thank you for telling me, Berrytwist! It is greatly appreciated!"
(One minute.)
Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, yeah? Well, if that's the way you want it, keep in mind that you can't stop us from stranding you in some barren dimension all by yourself! You're a prisoner! We don't need your cooperation!"
Laughter turned to rage in an instant, and he gripped the cage bars furiously. "If you try that," Spy snarled, "I will find a way back, and when I do I will rain devastation upon this land as you have never dreamed of! A thousand years of darkness will be on your head!"
"Whoa, okay, tone it down a notch, Sombra," she said mockingly. "Let's just calm down and be reasonable for a second here."
"NEVER!"
She stomped a hoof in frustration. "Ugh, this is so dumb! Why are you like this?!"
(Zero.)
It began as a single chime - a G5 note, if he was any judge - that came from... nowhere and everywhere. Not loud, but omnipresent. He glanced around, trying to find its source.
"I am honestly trying to help you," Tempest continued earnestly, and if she was aware of the sound she didn't show it. "Both of you. Stop fighting me on this!"
But a new sound... no, not just sound, but music had entered the aural landscape as she spoke, and it inexplicably sounded like... a concertina? And that rhythm, that distinctive baseline... was that a tango? What in blazes was going on?
"You know this is the best option you're ever going to get. Are you really going to turn it down?"
Did Tartarus have some kind of automatic music spell or similar nonsense? Why had it never activated before, then? Why would it only start when Tempest was delivering an impassioned plea, as though they were in some sort of...
...oh.
Oh, NO.
She appeared to mistake his distraction for disinterest, and grew even more angry. "You can't have everything your own way, Tirek! You're way too old to act like such a little colt!"
"Ah, yes," he replied hastily. "Perhaps there is room for-"
But he was too late. The tune's introduction had come to a close, and she was already drawing a deep breath.
...he might have preferred the torture...
"What do you think you're doing," she demanded, without the slightest trace of awkwardness around the fact that she'd just burst into song, "with all these lies you tell? / 'Cuz if it's me you're fooling / You can keep crying / I'm not buying / What you're trying to sell." She turned and tossed her head mockingly. "Oh well!"
The concertina was no longer alone. Guitars, violins, piano, flute; the full orquesta tÃpica had been assembled. And Tempest, as she circled his cage once more, was following note for note, even though she couldn't possibly have rehearsed this. "They say you're such an ogre / So full of greed and rage. / But now your plans are over / And from now on you'll be stuck in a cage!"
As the music swelled, she leapt on top of his cage, adding another layer of humiliation to the experience. "By decree of Celestia / You're here for millennia / A fate altogether too real!" She hopped back down, turning to face him. "But I think if we try / We could see eye to eye / And between us we might cut a deal."
He scowled at the ridiculousness of it all as she pranced around the plateau, the piano descending to flow into the chorus. "Villain to villain / We're two of a kind. / Villain to villain / So if you don't mind / Though these bars might hold you / I'm not here to scold you. / I promise our goals are aligned!"
As Tempest continued her surprisingly well-choreographed dance, Spy thought: So this is how I die. Of embarrassment, while inhabiting a borrowed body, within a prison in another dimension, as a purple unicorn pleads with me in song.
Who knew that haunted carnival's fortune-telling machine would be so accurate?
Oh, God, there's another verse...
"I know just what you're feeling," she informed him, strutting around him in time with the rhythm, "deep in that heart of coal. / Though it might set you reeling / You've got compassion..." She paused for half a beat before continuing. "(...in a fashion) / Crashin' through your soul."
"How droll," he murmured, unthinking.
"I've been in your position / I've stood right in those shoes." She whirled and locked gazes with him defiantly. "But this is my new mission / And if you cross me, you're just going to lose!"
Tempest's tone changed slightly, becoming more impassioned than challenging. "I swear that I get it / And I'll give you credit / You played your game right to the end." She turned her head, and Spy followed the mare's gaze to a distant platform where Cerberus could be seen sitting next to a diminutive cube. "But if you want to save her / You'll have to be braver / And do the right thing for your friend."
This situation was just getting absurd. Did she really expect that this literal song and dance number would convince him? It was high time he spoke up.
"Villain to villain..."
"Have you gone berserk?" he asked mockingly.
"Villain to villain..."
Still she persists? "It's not going to work!" he snapped, losing patience.
She continued, ignoring his interjections. "No two ways about it / I don't even doubt it:" Tempest turned to him with a grin. "You're no longer such a jerk."
Before he could demand an explanation, she launched into the next verse, the music changing subtly as the song approached its conclusion. "The Tirek of old / Was aggressive and bold / A creature destructive and wild! / But I think that you must / Be a centaur to trust / For you want what is best for the child!"
She faced him once more, her expression both imploring and exasperated. "Villain to villain / Though it might seem new / Villain to villain / You know what to do! / So please take a chance / And join me in this dance." A hoof raised and pointed at the distant plateau. "It's what she would do for you!"
Cue the final chords, strike the spotlight, and exit Spy's last shred of dignity, stage left.
The last few notes sounded and faded, leaving nothing but the stillness of the cavern. Spy shook his head slightly, as if waking from a dream. He felt drained by the... the travesty he'd been forced to sit through. Tempest had an excellent singing voice, he had to admit, but during the song he'd felt like the entire world had been laughing at him, and for a man whose sense of humor came at the expense of other people, it had been...
He stopped as a memory surfaced. Had... had he been rhyming?! He'd never intended to! Good Lord, this world was even more horrific than he'd realized.
Movement caught his attention. Tempest stood before his cage once more, and showed no signs of fatigue from her recent exertions. "So how about it, Tirek?" she asked quietly. "Do we have a deal? For her sake?"
Exhausted, he gripped the bars of his cage and leaned his head against them, taking slight relief from the cold metal. "I... can't," he said after a moment. "You know I can't. Not with Celestia making the final decision. Resistance is the only option." He smiled grimly. "For her sake."
(Faint cyan light coalesced in the air, and at last all five colors were united. The spells built into the very walls of Tartarus itself were restraining the sixth, but that didn't matter, not in the slightest. A new energy had filled the air during Tempest's song, ready to be tapped; all it needed was...)
Tempest watched him for a long moment... then sighed. "Yeah. I get it. I don't agree... but I get it." The mare paused. "You know something, though? I... sort of like this new Tirek. He's the kind of creature I would've wanted to call my friend." She reached up, and hoof gently touched hand. "I wish I'd met him earlier."
(...a spark.)
And indeed, as Tempest turned away Spy was hit with a feeling not unlike being attached to a car battery... though strangely, not in a bad way? It was very confusing. There was no pain, but just an unaccountable warmth flowing across his skin, and a sense of eagerness somehow.
He could barely hear her words as she walked to the stairs downward. "Look, Sparkle's going to be here in the morning. We'll talk about it again when she gets here, okay? We'll work this out, Tirek." And then, almost completely inaudibly: "...I hope."
Tempest didn't look back as she started to descend, which would turn out to be a grave mistake on her part.
When Cozy Glow was returned to the plateau a few minutes later, she found Spy slumped against the bars, breathing heavily and staring at nothing. "...Spy?" she asked cautiously. "You okay?" Behind her, Cerberus loped back to the entrance chamber.
Spy grunted. There was something off about his appearance, she realized, but she couldn't quite place it.
"Wow. What happened up here? She must've really done a number on you!"
"Yes," he growled. "A musical number! Why didn't you tell me there would be impromptu singing involved?!"
She blinked in surprise. "You don't have those?"
"No!"
"That's so weird!"
He rubbed his face wearily with both hands. "It was extremely distressing. I'm sure the song took control of my actions briefly, or at least my voice."
She waved this off. "Yeah, but it's just a thing that happens, y'know? Like sneezing." Then she paused. "You... do have sneezing, right?"
Spy glowered at her from between his fingers.
"Just checking. Anyway, yeah. You can't do much about it, so you just get through it, and maybe have some fun. But... wow, I never expected her to have one with you! What were you two talking about?"
He briefly considered telling her about Tempest's plan, ran the ensuing conversation through his head, and decided not to go there just yet. As the mare had pointed out, Cozy Glow would very probably agree with her plan, and would willingly cooperate with her to win his freedom, even if it meant leaving the filly in Tartarus. No, best not to mention it unless there was truly no other option. "Oh, she... was trying to intimidate me into cooperating with her. She grew a little frustrated, I think."
The filly snickered. "I bet. Especially after you ticked her off so bad. I was really worried when you did that!"
"Come now, Miss Glow," he said, smiling thinly and reaching through the bars to pat her head. Neither of them noticed that his hand was slightly larger than it used to be. "It was nothing I couldn't handle."
She pressed back against his palm for a moment, then looked up at him. "And she still thinks you're Tirek?"
"Of course." Then a memory twitched. "Although..." He frowned, then shook his head. "No... she's noticed some differences, but she's attributing them to changes in Tirek himself."
She tilted her head curiously. "What kind of changes?"
"Oh, she has the preposterous idea that we're friends." And then before she started to wilt, "I mean, that you and Tirek are friends."
"Oh! Yeah, I've tried to bring him around, but he's such a huge grumpyhooves that it's been tough going. I'll get through his defenses someday."
"In any case, she doesn't seem to object to the changes. She did say that she liked the 'new Tirek'."
Cozy Glow raised an eyebrow and adopted a well-crafted smirk. "Oooooo. She likes you, huh? Maybe somepony's got a little crush on you? Can love bloom in Tartarus?"
He rolled his eyes. "Don't be absurd."
"Aww, look at you! You're blushing!"
"Miss Glow, please. I have never blushed a day in my entire life."
"Well, it sure looks like it to-" She stopped, and her eyes grew wide. "Wait a minute! You're not blushing! You're red!"
He looked at her in confusion. "Well... obviously..."
"No no no! Like... really red! You look like..." And as she made the connection and inspected him more thoroughly, she clapped her hooves to her mouth. "...ohmygosh! Spy! You look like Tirek!"
Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all.
"I mean what Tirek really looks like!" she continued, slightly annoyed. "What he looked like back when he was draining ponies of their magic! You're redder, and bigger, and younger, and-" There was a twin sound of gouging wood as he twisted to look at himself, and she nodded. "And yep, your horns are longer. Better watch out for that."
He pulled free of the cage's ceiling, then peered downwards. Even as he watched, his fur was becoming more vibrant, and the muscles in his arms grew larger and more well-defined with every passing second. "What the hell...?!"
"You aren't getting super huge like he did," she said, "but this is definitely what he looked like when he tried to take over Equestria! Spy... did you take Tempest's magic?!"
"I... I don't know! I wouldn't even know how to do it! And didn't you say Tartarus was enchanted to keep this from happening?"
"That's what Tirek told me. He said he couldn't steal somepony's energy even if they were standing right next to him."
He looked down at the entrance chamber, where Tempest was barely visible. "Then... how...?"
A new realization occurred to Cozy Glow, and she gasped. "Oh... this is bad. Really bad!"
He flexed his new muscles. Agility over strength had always been his training goal, but he was not displeased at the size of his vitalized biceps. "Nonsense. I feel better than I have since I got here!"
"Yeah, but if Tempest sees you like this, she's going to know something's wrong right away! There's no way we'll be able to take the key from her now, if we can even find it."
"Ah." He made a gesture toward his throat. "On a chain around her neck, tucked into her clothes. I saw it when she was about to murder me."
Cozy Glow perked up at that, but only briefly. "Okay, but our plan..."
"Plans can be altered or even abandoned when circumstances change, Miss Glow." He grasped one of the bars of his cage and pulled at it experimentally; it took some effort, but he was able to create a noticeable bend. "And I feel as though there is a new path open to us now."
She stared at him... then an evil grin grew on her face. "We're busting out? Literally?"
"Well, a frontal assault isn't my preferred approach," he said, "but as you say, Tempest would immediately notice my new appearance, and Twilight Sparkle will be here in the morning as well. We don't have much time to come up with anything more sophisticated."
"Now, that sounds like fun!" she said with a giggle, rubbing her hooves together. "Okay, then, Mister Spy. I'm ready when you are!"
"Then let us begin." He reached up, grabbed two bars, tensed his arms...
...paused, and lowered them. "However..."
"What's wrong?"
His expression was slightly pained. "It's just that... I may be stronger now, but we've seen what Tempest can do, have we not?"
"...oh." She frowned. "Yeah... she's gonna be tough to beat."
"Indeed. All things considered, I suspect I might be able to take her in a fair fight... but I abhor a fair fight. And we must take the hound into account as well."
"Oh. Right. So... what do we do?"
He looked around at the floor of the plateau. Fortunately, Tempest hadn't stepped on anything during her performance. "What we do, Miss Glow, is implement my backup plan."
Her brow furrowed. "...backup plan? You had a backup plan?"
Spy chuckled. "But of course. You didn't think I asked Tempest for food because I was hungry, did you?"
Cozy Glow stared at him, her mouth agape. "Your lunch was a backup plan?!"
He finished collecting the remnants of his meal and piled it before him. "Before she brought these, we had no tools or weapons. Now... we have options. And when you know how to do it, practically anything can be of use."
Having said that, however, Spy regarded the pile with less than full enthusiasm. A half-eaten fish, a stained newspaper, and (courtesy of Cozy Glow) a handful of thistles. Not exactly the resources he would have liked to have available when breaking out of a magical prison...
But they would have to do.
"Let's get to work," he said.
There was a knock on the door, which was answered by a loud groan. "Not another one! Spike, could you get that please?"
"I thought you wanted me to send a letter."
"Oh! Right. Then... I'll answer the door, and you write the letter as we go. Ready?"
"Ready."
"Ahem... 'Dear Princess Celestia...'"
"Wow, that takes me back."
"Focus, Spike! Ahem. 'I can't help but notice that the Sun hasn't gone down yet, and it feels like it's long past the usual time. I hate bothering you over such a trivial matter and I certainly don't want to question your judgement, especially on how you manage the Sun...'"
"I do."
"Spike! '...but roughly half of Ponyville has noticed the delay and dropped by my castle to ask about it. If you're not too busy, please let me know when you're planning to lower the Sun so I can let everypony know. Your Faithful Student, et cetera, et cetera.' But don't write 'et cetera'."
"'But don't write-'"
"Spiiiike!"
"I'm kidding, Twilight." There was a rush of flame just beyond the door. "What do you think's going on?"
"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing important. Definitely nothing the Princesses can't handle." The door opened, and a purple unicorn - no, alicorn - peeked through. "I'm sorry, I don't know when the-" And then she stopped abruptly, no other words able to escape.
The guardpony had removed his helmet respectfully and held it under one wing, revealing a blue mane over golden fur. "Excuse me, but... you're Princess Twilight, aren't you? I have a message from-"
The door slammed shut.
Nonplussed, all the guard could do was stand waiting as the door largely failed to mute the voices on the other side. "Is... there a problem, Twilight?"
"...it's... him."
"...him who?"
"It's him! From there! But... why? Why is he here?!"
"Nouns, Twilight! I need nouns!"
"I can't just... I need to think... I...!" There was a sound of hooves on stone, vanishing into the distance.
"...okay...?" The door opened once more, and the guard adjusted his sight downward to meet the gaze of the small purple dragon thus revealed. They regarded each other for a moment, then the dragon's eyes grew wide in recognition and understanding. "...oh! Ohhhhhh. That explains it."
The guard, now thoroughly confused, decided to just roll with it. "You would be... Spike, right? I have a message for the Princess from Tempest Shadow. It's pretty urgent."
Spike blinked in surprise. "I guess it must be," he agreed. "Fizzlepop usually takes care of things herself. Come on in."
He led the guard further into the castle, and the pegasus couldn't help but rubberneck at the unfamiliar palace. No gleaming marble here, just stone and crystals and an almost overwhelming smell of books. "So, um... is the Princess okay?"
"Oh, sure. She just... has something on her mind," the dragon said diplomatically. "Let me take you to a waiting room and make you some tea. You're probably tired from your trip and-"
A gasp and clatter of porcelain made them look up to see a vase hovering inches from the floor, held in a magical field. Hidden almost completely behind an adjacent pillar, Twilight sighed in relief as she maneuvered the vase back to its display... then saw them looking at her, let out a small squeak, and vanished in a flash of light. The vase fell to the ground and shattered.
Spike sighed. "...and she's probably gonna be a while."