//------------------------------// // XL - Bonnibel's Gambit // Story: The Distant Princess // by GMBlackjack //------------------------------// Bonnibel Bubblegum is one of the oldest creatures living on the surface of Ooo, though she doesn’t look it. To any passerby, she’s young—youthful, even. More than a few haven’t taken her seriously because of her smooth, ageless appearance. Compared to the other immortals, she could be considered the least imposing of them all. But there’s a reason many inhabitants of the Candy Kingdom fear her. She has kept hold of her Kingdom for well over a thousand years, losing control for only brief moments in her journey. It was not her paranoia that allowed her to continue her reign, though in the past she might have said that if pressed. No, it was her intelligence. She’s a mad genius, and she will outthink anyone and everyone who tries to face her in a battle of wills. Give her time and a reason and she will meticulously plot your downfall and you won’t even realize it’s happening until she’s standing over you, foot pressed into your collarbone, a smug smile on her innocent little face. It is only reasonable to fear a woman like that. ~~~ “No,” Bonnibel declared. “No war either.” Hater blinked repeatedly. Then, facepalming, he started talking to her like she was a child. “Look, this is how these things work, missy. There’s war, or there’s surrender. You can’t just say no to both and get away scott free! I know that trick! It’s never working again!” Bonnibel stared at him in confusion for a moment before shaking her head. “I just meant we should seek alternative methods to settle our differences.” Bonnibel crossed her arms and looked Hater right in the eyes. “I suggest… trial by combat.” A smirk crawled up her face as she pressed her hands together. “You want a fight, Hater? We’ll give it to you. You against one of our own.” “Tonight,” Hater demanded. “No gumball guardians. I want those to be in my army when I win.” “Granted. But we may use any weapons we wish.” “No vehicles!” Peepers added. “It has to just be one on one, based on physical power.” “Sure,” Bonnibel said. “Physical power. Of course.” Hater clapped his hands. “Finally, a proper one on one!” He flexed his arms as if they had muscles on them. “Who wants to get a piece of this!?” Lapis stood up, striding forward. “I will.” “Who’re you again?” “Lapis Lazuli.” She smirked coyly, shooting him a finger-guns gesture. “Gem Princess.” “No, Princess Lazuli,” Bonnibel said. “I know your power, but you are not my citizen.” “S-screw citizenship!” Phoebe shouted, pulling herself out of some syrupy goo. “I’ll… give him the ol’...” She put a hand to the flames on her head that were struggling to burn. “Er…” “And you’re not up to strength,” Bonnibel pointed out. Turning to Hater, she threw an arm wide. “I will face you, Hater.” “What,” Hater deadpanned. “Bonnie!” Marceline shouted, voice cracking. “Are you crazy!?” Bonnibel turned to her and winked. “Yes.” “I…” Marceline let her arms hang slack and she let out an annoyed groan. “Uuuugh, I’m going to yell at you later.” “Feel free.” Bonnibel dusted off her dress. “First of all, someone get me my armor.” “Hah! I don’t need armor!” Hater struck a pose and flexed his bones again. “I’m all-natural strength.” “Some of us prefer having proper protection.” Commander Peepers cleared his throat. “While the Princess’ servants are fetching her armor, here are the rules! Only Lord Hater and Princess Bubblegum are allowed to interact—there will be no outside help from anyone, not even me! If Lord Hater wins, we get full rights to the Candy Kingdom and all resources to repair the Skullship!” “And if I win?” Bonnibel asked. “Uh… we don’t conquer you?” “I want a little more than that.” Bonnibel leaned down until she was only slightly taller than Peepers. “We get your ship if you lose.” “They can’t have my ship!” Hater bellowed, eyes bulging out of their sockets. Peepers nodded. “I know, sir. But if by some freak coincidence you lose, which you won’t—” “Duh.” Hater rolled his eyes and twirled a finger around his head. “—then we won’t really have much use for the ship since we can’t get what we need to fix it in a territory we’re not allowed to conquer.” Peepers shrugged. Hater scratched his jawline. “Think you might lose?” Bonnibel asked, confidently strutting over to him, purposefully swaying her hips slightly as she moved. “N-no,” Hater stammered. “I am the Greatest! You’re just a pink pansy princess!” “Good…” She twirled around, the edges of her hair slapping him in the face. It had the intended effect: he was both insulted and flustered, giving her an advantage. Bonnibel was going to take everything she could get, even if it made her feel awkward. At this point, the banana guards arrived with the reddish-pink armor for Bonnibel. She nodded, removing her dress. “Augh!” Finn put a hand over his eyes. Jake raised an eyebrow. “Dude, she’s a sentient wad of bubblegum, there’s nothing to see.” “Still not looking.” Bonnibel clicked on the pieces of her armor, covering every part of her pink body except her head. She did her sticky hair up to keep it out of the way of her limbs. Lastly, she hooked on a black cape with orange and white stripes on the inside. Completing the wardrobe change, she twisted all her limbs to make sure she had full range of motion, taking special care to examine the rims of the gloves. “Right. Ready.” “No weapon at all?” Hater snarled. Bonnibel pressed her palms together and bowed slightly to Hater. “I won’t need any.” “Uh, when do we start fighting?” Hater asked. “Whenever you wish.” Hater pointed a finger at her. “I’m going to enjoy your screams.” A lightning bolt came out of his finger. It easily fried the kinetic barrier the armor produced around itself, overloading all the machinery Bonnibel had put in it. This was exactly what she had expected to happen, such outrageous electric power would overload almost anything. Instead of the usual explosion or burning that was associated with Hater’s lightning… nothing happened after it hit her. She stood tall, proud, and coy. “Problem?” she asked. Hater blinked. “Impossible.” “Very possible. In fact, it’s a basic application of science.” She held up one of her arms and flicked the metallic armor with a finger. “Metals conduct electricity, which is precisely what you are producing with your fingers. More specifically, you create an excess of charge. When charge interacts with conductors, all the charge automatically moves to the outside of the surface. Which is to say…” She spread her arms wide, flashing teeth. “Away from my body. The ancients called this the Faraday Cage effect.” Hater’s jaw dropped. He picked it up off the ground and slapped it back on. “And after a second, all the charge disappears into the ground, so it’s not around long enough to harm me.” Bonnibel planted a foot in the muddy ground to illustrate the point. “I’m grounded.” Hater pointed his lightning at her head. Her crown absorbed this, attached to the rest of her armor through some metal plates she’d hidden in her hair. Stepping closer to Hater, she applauded, hands meeting each other agonizingly slow. “You are heating up the armor, though. Thanks. It’s a rather chilly night.” Hater created a lightning barrier around himself and charged. “Eat this!” She punched right through the barrier. All the excess charge shunted through the armor’s arm, down the midsection, and through Bonnibel’s foot to the ground. As it distributed through the mud, some of the observers felt a slight tingling sensation in their feet, but nothing dangerous. Her fist pushed through, smacking Hater’s collarbone. He lost the focus on his shield and fell backward, head embedded into the ground. “Go Bonnie!” Marceline called. “No, don’t go, stop, cease!” Hater jumped back to his feet, critter-infested mud dripping down his skull. “She’s just using a trick! But it won’t work against my fist!” He punched forward, fingers crackling with electricity. Bonnibel ducked under his hand and grabbed him by the ribs. “I’m also over a thousand years old and know nineteen different forms of martial arts.” She twisted her hold on him, suplexing him over her back, planting his head in the soil once more. Jack nodded in approval at the maneuver. Hater was not dissuaded. He jumped out once again, electricity flying off him in every direction. Several of the bolts made contact with Bonnibel, but nothing harmed her. The heat of the armor continued to increase, however. This won’t work forever, Bonnibel reminded herself. Bubblegum melts at one hundred fifteen degrees Celsius. She wiped her brow, going on the offensive. She grabbed Hater by the arm, taking the full force of his electricity into her armor. Twisting, she was expecting to throw him over her back again, but instead, she popped the arm right off. Examining the socket, she discovered it wasn’t made of bone, but of a synthetic metal. “An artificial arm? Hey, Finn! If you lose that arm again, I’ve just gotten some new ideas!” “Princess!” Finn called in panic. Bonnibel didn’t even look behind her to catch Hater’s other first. “Don’t worry, Finn, I’ve got this.” She smacked Hater across the face with the artificial arm, twisting his skull around backward. With a kick, she swept his legs out from under him. He finally surprised her. He had no finesse or agility to speak of, but he did have raw strength. Even on the ground like he was, he was able to kick her legs out from under her. For once, she was the one who ended up face-first in the mud. Hater felt no need to let her get back up, tackling her while she was down and pinning her. Even though he knew his electricity was useless, he still threw it around out of habit. This was actually a bad thing for Bonnibel since it continually raised the temperature of her suit. She could already feel herself liquefying around her legs. They wouldn’t be able to support her weight much longer. “Grrrah!” She shouted, twisting her thin frame out of Hater’s beefy one-armed grasp, kicking him in the face and dislocating his jaw. Taking advantage of his shock, she threw her arms around his neck and pulled. His head popped right off. She rolled with it a few feet, coming to a stop in the mud. “RAAAAAGH! I am the Greatest! I am never defeated!” His skull was trying to bite her, but it was ineffective against her armor. She stuffed his head into the mud so she didn’t have to listen to him anymore. A bolt of green lightning hit her. The rest of the body was still moving without the head. “Stupid dissociative necromancy,” Bonnibel groaned, pulling herself to her feet. “...Oh.” Her legs gave out, and she collapsed into the mud. She saw parts of her hair dripping off as syrup to the ground, and her entire body was sizzling with steam. “Bonnie!” Marceline called. “It’s not over yet!” Peepers shouted. “No interference!” Marceline held back, biting her lip and wringing her hands. Twilight joined her in a nervous display by taping her hooves rapidly. Bonnibel’s arms were still functional, though her fingers weren’t. She rammed her fists into the ground and dragged herself toward the flailing, headless form of Hater’s body. Sliding along like this, she was low enough that most of his lightning missed her. Closer… Closer… She couldn’t grab him, so she swung with her arm, hitting his shin. Unable to see it coming, Hater’s body fell over with ease, continuing to flail. The electricity surged into her. She was only going to have the use of her arms for about one second, so she took advantage of it. Ramming her limbs into Hater’s ribs, she hoisted herself on top of him and sat on him, sinking him further and further into the mud. The deeper he got, the less his electricity did anything. By the time he stopped being able to flail, Bonnibel was so syrupy her crown slid right off her head, her hair starting to create small rivers in the ground. “Yaaay…” Bonnibel declared. “I wn!” Marceline floated over to her, arms crossed. “You look pathetic.” “I bwasicwy don hav rms or legs righ now!” Bonnibel sputtered, speech significantly slurred. “I’m nop enirely ure how I’m alin, but eh, I’m nop omplainin.” Marceline couldn’t help but giggle. “You were amazing!” Twilight declared. “Yeah, that was awesome!” Rainbow added. “It was an incredible display,” Jack said, bowing to her. “It was a lot closer than I would have liked,” Bonnibel chuckled, her face having cooled enough to restore most of her speech. “So, uh, can someone dig me and Hater out of this hole so we can get this over with?” “You heard the Princess!” Finn called. “G—” Commander Peepers pulled the trigger on his weapon. The beam sailed out of the gun’s tip, hitting Bonnibel’s head dead-on. The gun was not electric. And it was on the higher setting. Pink, sweet, syrupy goo went flying in every direction, splattering across everyone present.