//------------------------------//
// An Awkward Few Minutes (TLC) 
// Story: Ersatz Love 
// by Celly Da Pancake 
//------------------------------//

Nicholas looked out the window adjacent to their booth. It was bright. A little past midday, the sun illuminated the city. “Outside” was out of mind—far away from the little world contained within his mind, right now. Far away from even the table he sat at, or the mares that were at it. It painted a pleasant little fiction; a composite view of Canterlot, showing the city as an almost stationary-still, sans the movements of the ponies within.

New York had been the biggest city he had ever been too. Teeming with life, with buildings that towered high over the rest of the world, insomuch that they had been coined ‘skyscrapers’, the urban jungle was large yet dull, full yet empty.

Nothing like this. 

Ponies talked, laughed, and lived—not to say that this was something that you couldn’t find on Earth, but you would be hard pressed to find it before it was congealed into all the other similar actions taking place everywhere else.

Here, every laugh was distinct, every talk, meaningful, and every life, purposeful. This city was large, yet not dull nor quite as large. Full, yet there was still more space to be had. It contained a peace that he couldn’t quite quantify, because it was a peace that was unlike anything he had seen or felt before, yet it was found everywhere in this crazy, yet wonderful land called Equestria, seemingly endlessly perpetuating itself in every corner of the nation. Perhaps, Earth had been like this, once upon a time. He was no history major, but surely there was some ancient civilization that had founded itself upon the precepts of friendship and harmony.

How delicate and many-sided, this civilization must have been, just like the one he was living in right now. Beautifully crafted, and run by an equally beautiful princess, in a way that promised stability and prosperity for ages to come.

His mind almost second-guessed his decision to describe Celestia as beautiful, but his inner-philosopher was quick to assure him that it was indeed, the right adjective. He briefly debated whether it was appropriate to think of his employer like that, and settled on ‘no’.

The peace that lay outside though—it was not the present with him now, nor with his unicorn friend who sat beside him. 

To his right, Twilight sat, the purple mare sporting an ambiguous smile as she used her magic to gently guide measured spoonfuls of soup into her mouth. While on the outside, she looked calm, he saw the faint quivering in her hooves, and light twitching of her ears. She was probably more nervous than he was—not that he wasn’t nervous. Far from it, he was very nervous. If getting hired by the Princess of the land was a shot out of left field, this sudden meeting/lunch was from the grandstands.

It was almost enough to make his palms start sweating.

Truly, a task and a half, and his environment had almost succeeded in making it happen. Almost. But he was more than the sum of his parts. He was nervous, yes. Uncontrollably so? No.

The restaurant around him was alive with movement. Waiters zipped to and fro between tables, taking orders and delivering meals with a practiced sort of alacrity—the kind picked up from spending a certain amount of time spent serving others when in a less than ideal mood. Ponies discussed pony things amongst each other at the tables surrounding his own, though some roistered about far too loudly for his liking.

It was strange. 

While he was no expert on the mannerisms of the Canterlot nobility, he had always imagined them to be composed and snobby, discussing in a boisterous, yet classy manner, and while that was what they were doing, it seemed stunted, in a way. They acted real enough to seem real, but fake enough that if you were to take a closer inspection, you would see that it was all an act.

He wasn’t blind to the furtive peeks being had towards their booth—as an alien resident of nearly six months, it was par for the course to be greeted with shocked gasps and piercing stares, so it was of absolutely no surprise that it was the same in Canterlot as well.

What was surprising, was that, while he was receiving his own fair share of withering glares, most of the attention was focused on the mare who sat across from him.

Princess Celestia sat there with a serene smile, seemingly oblivious to all the stares fixed upon her, content to gobble up her meal with wild abandon, every few munches interspersed with the occasional royal-looking nibble, as if to preserve some semblance of regality at the table.

She almost seemed on the verge of bursting into a giggle fit at any moment—she was truly a one mare entertainer, for both herself and everypony else in the restaurant.

Why stare at the lanky alien and the purple magic prodigy when you could instead feast your eyes upon the image of the Princess of your nation eating food like she would never eat ever again, as she made all manner of happy yet strange-looking facial expressions, while doing it?

Indeed, it was a fairly obvious choice, and one he was almost glad for. It gave his back a much needed break from having holes bored into it all the time.

But, even still, in this interesting situation he found himself in, he found issue, though it was an issue he was hesitant to press. While a small fragment of anxiety was constantly chipping away at whatever confidence he may have had, it was indeed still small—small enough that he could ignore it and act like everything was completely normal, like almost every other pony in this restaurant.

Though, he wasn’t doing very well in that regard, given the wayward hand that mindlessly swirled the unappetizing-looking pasta around on the gilded china plate in front of him. So, maybe he wasn’t being as normal as he thought—perhaps that shard was bigger than he gave it credit for.

It wasn’t as big as Twilight’s though. Nicholas could see it in her visage; the one that was barely being retained. Her eyes were dilated in an almost unhealthy way, her grasp on her fork continually faltering, yet powering through at the last moment to catch it just in time. He wasn’t sure how many more times that fork could lose support before it came crashing into the table.

He knew that she was prone to meltdowns in situations that didn’t follow the script that she had hammered into her mind—he had been witness to them on more than one occasion. This—whatever this was, obviously didn’t follow that script. It was only a matter of time before she would crack and make a fool of herself. As a good friend (he considered), it was his duty to make sure that didn’t come to pass.

But Celestia—she was so happy. Or at least, it looked like it. Her smile was brighter than even the sun that bathed the city outside, as she finished her salad-pasta concoction with a mighty slurp on the last noodle. There was something about that smile that made him want to smile. That made him want to give her a big hug, even though that was a completely inappropriate thing to want to do with his (future) employer.

He didn’t want to break her aura of happiness, but it didn’t seem like he had much of a choice.

In light of this, Nicholas decided to do the mature thing, and continue to facilitate the facade of normality cloaking the entire establishment, before Twilight lost her marbles.

“Celestia.”

It was meant to come across as a question, but didn’t quite have the flowy tone to seal the deal. It did the job though and perked Celestia’s ears, and that was enough for him to continue.

“What are we doing here?” It sounded a lot firmer when he had said it in his mind, but it ended coming out with a quiver to it, betraying his own nervousness, much to his own annoyance, but Celestia didn’t seem to take any mind.

It was the question that had been on his mind the second everypony had stopped bowing at the Princess’s insistence, through minutes of debatably uncomfortable silence, and all the way up until now. It had been bugging him, and if his mother had taught him one thing, it was that an unanswered question was an opportunity missed.

Or something like that.

He wasn’t sure what that opportunity was just yet, but he was certain it would reveal itself as things progressed, as was typically the way of the world.

Celestia brought her fork down to her plate, daintily depositing the utensil in a lean against the edge of the it. Using her magic to quickly dust a napkin across her lips and cheeks, she folded it into a neat little square, setting it down just in front of her before looking back across at him with an examiner’s eye.

He nearly flinched under the scrutiny.

Rolling her tongue around within her mouth, she smiled and said, “We are here because you accepted a job working under me, no?” Her grin continued to tug slightly higher up her cheeks as she analyzed him and waited for a response.

“Err, I don’t mean, ‘why am I in Canterlot’, I mean, why are we here? Why are you here? In this restaurant?” Nicholas felt that he was being reasonable and coherent with his queries, delivering them in an easy-to-digest way. All he had to do was lose the tremble and it would almost sound anxiety-free.

“Whatever do you mean? What other reason would we have to be in a restaurant but to eat food?”

Nicholas stopped to register what she had said for several moments before he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “No, that’s not what I meant—”

And then he caught it—or at least, he caught a small glimpse of it, before it had slithered away from whence it came: An impish grin on Celestia’s face.

So Nicholas thought long and he thought hard and he came to the conclusion that Celestia was messing.

She was messing with him.

He laughed.

It was a strained-sounding thing that would surely bring pause to anyone who might have heard it, but it had no effect on Celestia, almost amplifying the mirth that was flowing out from her in waves.

Grabbing his fork, he purposefully stabbed a number of noodles and brought them up to his mouth where he took a large munch on them.

“You’re funny, you know?” He gagged, spitting out the noodles in the most dignified, unembarrassing way he could. Hay. He could taste it, and was doing his darndest to untaste it, wiping his tongue with a napkin. While Nicholas considered himself a connoisseur of many tastes, this was not one of the things he partook of. While there was the fact that he couldn’t digest it, it was more in that it tasted absolutely gross.

She giggled and replied, “I like to think that I am. I did write several guides on the art of comedy, after all.”

Figures. Rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck, he surreptitiously craned his neck forward and whispered. “No, but seriously though. Like, what are we doing here?” It felt perhaps more than a little rude to address her in such a casual way, but she only deserved it for being so shifty. He would probably regret it later, but he couldn’t help it.

That mystic grin from before returned to her face, but she had the courtesy to answer his question with a sensible reply.

“Twilight and I agreed to meet here, actually. I figured it would be a great spot to meet you and hopefully get to know you and your tastes better. I’d say that my gambit worked. I’ve already garnered a great deal about your personality, and most of it corresponds with descriptions of you from Twilight’s letters to me—also, from the look on your face, I would hazard that you do not like—” Celestia glanced down at his barely-touched meal ”—brome fettuccine, so I won’t order you that next time we come back.”

At the mention of her name, one of Twilight’s ears twitched, but she otherwise remained in her near-comatose state.

“...Next time?” There was a great multitude of questions floating around his brain, so he settled on the one that required the least amount of effort, and probably had an answer that made sense. 

“Indeed, next time!” Celestia affirmed. “It felt quite refreshing to get out and eat something other than what is cooked up by the Castle chefs—not that their meals lack taste or variety. In fact, I could probably have the exact same meal prepared there, but it is more about the experience itself than the meal, as I’m sure you know.”

Nodding to herself, she continued. “But next time, I would perhaps prefer somewhere more… quiet. It is a bit loud in here, wouldn’t you say?”

She was right. As their conversation had progressed, so too did the noise of the ponies in the restaurant. The din grew louder, almost as if it were trying to drown them out.

Nicholas nodded his affirmation slowly, a hand reaching to scratch the back of his head. His sudden burst of conversational wit had come to an end, as he no longer could think of a single thing to say in response. Luckily enough for him, Celestia had turned to address her student, giving him ample time to compose himself.

“And throughout this entire conversation, I have neglected to address you, my dearest student. How was the trip? How is Spike? Oh, I have so many questions! Rarely does the opportunity present itself that I get to have a conversation with you face to face without some recently-returned evil bearing down on us.”

Flashing Twilight a smile, Celestia waited for her response.

And waited, and waited.

She probably would have continued to wait, but as fate would have it, Twilight’s ear decided that then was the perfect time to flop down and strike her in the eye, making her hiss in pain, while simultaneously also doing the job of dragging her back into reality.

“Princess, this pasta is delectable!” Twilight exuberantly exclaimed as she shoved a cold spoon of mushroom soup into her mouth. Quite the palate cleanser, that would be.

Another giggle was elicited from Celestia, the mare bringing a gold-clad hoof to her mouth in humor at Twilight’s disastrous flop of an attempt at reinjecting herself into the conversation on the correct note.

Nicholas let out a short chuckle of his own at Twilight’s antics. She was just so precious at times.

“I’m sure it is, Twili—”

“I’m so sorry Princess!” Twilight practically shouted. Sounds from around them suggested that not a soul heard her outburst; whether this was intentional, intervention by the Princess, or something else, Nicholas wasn’t sure.

“I know we’re late, but this one—” Twilight gestured to Nicholas in irritation ”—didn’t want to wake up and held us up. So, I’m sorry,” she finished, looking ten pounds of stress lighter after her little tirade.

“Twilight, I’m afraid that you must have read my letter wrong,” she said, her tone adopting an almost motherly quality. “I had you two scheduled to arrive at 1:00, but it’s not even 12:00 yet. You two are not late, but early.”

Her eyes couldn’t have possibly swelled up anymore without popping out of her head, “Nu-uh, I read that paper, back to front a dozen times! It said 10:00!”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “While I certainly appreciate your attention to detail, Twilight, I know what was written on that paper, and it was 1:00. I may be old, but I’m not so old that I don’t remember what I write down.” 

Twilight’s jaw flapped up and down uselessly several times before she hesitantly conceded to her mentor with a nod and a few muttered apologies.

“But, that is of no importance now. My original intent was to sneak a quick bite to eat before I met you two, but it appears that due to my dear student’s haste, you caught me just as I was about to arrive,” Celestia said, the slight upswing in her voice accompanied by a pleasant chorus of giggling.

“Now, normally,” she continued, “I would have day court to attend to, but due to some external circumstances, that is no longer the case for today, which leaves me with the rest of the day off. A perfect opportunity, I say, to take you on a tour of the Castle, Nicholas.”

A pause. “Niki. You asked earlier and I… didn’t answer, but you can call me Niki.”

She smiled. “Well, Niki, does that sound alright with you?”

It was more than alright with him, he was happy to go with the flow on this one. Settling his hands on the table lightly, he said, “Of course, given that I’ll be living and working there for the foreseeable future. I… suppose I’ll just follow you back to the castle?”





“I… suppose I’ll just follow you back to the castle?”

Niki was asking her a question.

“That was certainly the original plan—you have all of your belongings?”

The man became lost in thought for a moment, as he seemed prone to doing throughout their entire conversation together before he nodded and procured a small bag from his side. It was a meager little item, seeming to portray economic disparity in every aspect. Certainly, the man’s stubbornness left little reason to doubt as to why.

Nodding, at him, she turned to Twilight.

“Thank you, dear Twilight, for accompanying my advisor, to this fine establishment. I will be taking Nicholas here on a tour of the Castle, and you are more than welcome to come if you’d like, though I do understand if you can’t.

“I would like to perhaps share a tea and some words sometime before you leave though,” Celestia said. “For old times sake?”

Her student smiled, nodded, and responded, but Celestia was already in her own little world. Things were going quite swimmingly, or so she thought, disregarding the slightly rocky start.

But so far… so far everything had gone according to plan.





Twilight watched from afar as her mentor and her human friend chatted amiably while they departed from the restaurant towards the castle. It brought a smile to her face. She turned around and walked out of the door, en route to her destination: Her parent’s house, where she would meet with Shining Armor and Ma and Pa and tell them all about how great of friends Nicholas and Princess Celestia would be.

By the time Celestia and Nicholas would finish the tour, it would be late evening, when Nicholas would question Twilight and her whereabouts and Celestia would assure him that everything was alright. It would be the talk of Canterlot by the morning, with it being plastered all over the news, replacing the previous header about tea.

Even later than that, months down the road, ownership of the restaurant would trade hooves and with a new owner came a new name: 

Hooves and Hands Diner.