Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Hooves

by alexmagnet


The End (Pt. I)

Chapter 3: The End (Pt. I)

Twilight groaned, blinking her eyes. Light flooded her vision as she slowly regained consciousness. She blinked again, her eyes struggling to stay open. Her vision swam as the world around her came into focus. She could see blurred colors, and she could hear the muted cheering of the crowd. They were chanting something, something she couldn't quite make out. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again, trying to clear her vision. As she shook her head her vision, along with her hearing, returned to her.

“Trixie! Trixie! Trixie!”

Twilight tried to move, but she found herself unable to; everything hurt. She could see Trixie just a few feet in front of her, standing with her hooves raised in the air, that arrogant smile spread across her face. Twilight rolled her head to the side only to find Spike standing next to her. He had knelt down and was looking into her eyes.

“What happened?”

Spike shook his head and replied, “You got your ass kicked, that's what.”

Twilight rolled her head back to look at Trixie. She took notice of Twilight's stirring and began to approach her. She dropped back to all fours and leaned down to whisper in Twilight's ear.

“You have twenty-four hours,” she hissed. Twilight glared at her, narrowing her eyes. Trixie smirked and straightened herself, mouthing, “Twenty-four.” Turning her back on Twilight, she walked away, flicking her tail. Twilight's head rolled to the side again, back to Spike. He was watching Trixie walk away, his hands placed on Twilight's right hoof. She tried to move her body again, unsuccessfully. The effort wore her out, she felt herself fading back into darkness. She felt woozy, her eyelids fluttered. Spike looked back down at her, concerned.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Twilight couldn't find the strength to respond. Her vision was fuzzy, and he her head was lolling from side to side. Spike shook her.

“Twilight?”

Her body went limp and her eyes rolled back in her head. She allowed herself to drift into the dusk. Spike leaned down further, shaking her worriedly. He put his ear to her mouth, listening to make sure she was breathing. As he was huddled over her a smile came across his face. She was snoring. He chuckled and stood up.

The crowd had begun to dissipate now that the match was over. Pinkie Pie sat at her table, counting her bits. Trixie had wandered off into a corner somewhere and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were sitting behind their cardboard box, arguing over something. Spike sighed, Twilight wasn't going to move herself.

He reached his claws under Twilight's side and lifted, grunting as he did. He raised her a few inches then exhaled, dropping her back down.

“When'd you get so heavy?”

He shook his head and scanned the room, surely there was someone here who could help. He opened his mouth to ask Pinkie but then closed it immediately, deciding it was better to not ask for her help. Trixie was out of the question. She had the strength sure, but Spike doubted she would be willing to help. That left one pony, or rather, one group of ponies.

“Hey!” Spike shouted. “ Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom! I need your help.”

They looked up from their argument, all three of them him staring him down. He lifted Twilight's hoof and tilted his head at her limp body. They nodded. As they opened the steel door of the cage Spike started dragging Twilight over to them. He gritted his teeth, straining his muscles to pull her. By the time he had reached the three fillies he was breathing heavily. He exhaled slowly as he lowered her hoof gently.

“We need to get her back to the library,” he said, indicating Twilight. The girls nodded. They spread out around her, each taking a limb. “Alright,” Spike said, “on three.” He inhaled deeply and nodded. They nodded back. “One. Two. Three!” All four of them lifted, exhibiting a number of different groans and grunts. They took one step, their knees buckled and they fell down.

“Jeez, Twilight. When'd you get so heavy,” Apple Bloom complained, wiping her brow.

“What is she? Filled with bricks?” Scootaloo grumbled.

“Crap, actually,” Spike chuckled.

“She's really heavy,” added Sweetie Belle.

The others looked at Sweetie Belle questioningly, their mouths slightly open.

“That's the best you could come up with?” asked Spike, one eyebrow raised slightly higher than the other. He sighed, “Look, Sweetie Belle, we're going to have a serious talk about your comic timing when this is done.” He closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Let's just try again. On three.” They nodded. “One. Two. Three!”

___

“And that's why comic timing is important, okay?” Spike said as he patted Sweetie Belle on the back. They stood in the doorway at the library. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom had already gone home. “Do you understand now?”

Sweetie Belle nodded, “I think so.”

Spike nodded back, “Good. Now go home.” He pushed her outside and shut the door. “I thought she'd never leave,” he sighed, sliding down the door.

They had managed to get Twilight home, somehow, and Spike was fading fast. His head lolled as he drifted off. The door, surprisingly, wasn't too uncomfortable. He snuggled against it, a content look upon his face. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to feel the sweet embrace of sleep.

“Dammit!”

Spike was woken suddenly by the sound of Twilight shouting. He slipped off the door and hit the ground. Spike rubbed his head as he looked up towards Twilight's bedroom. He could hear her thrashing around and the sounds of objects hitting the wall. She was yelling incoherently and stomping angrily. Spike sighed as he looked at the clock hanging on the wall; 8:23, it said. He heaved himself up, dusted himself off, and headed up stairs. As he neared Twilight's bedroom he could make out some of what she was shouting.

“That—that—” thud. Twilight's last word was muffled by the sound of something heavy hitting the door. “She thinks she can't beat me that easily?” Spike cautiously approached the door, lightly resting his claw on the doorknob. He put his ear to the door, listening quitely. “Great and Powerful, huh? Ha! I'll show her true power!” Bang! Spike recoiled as another object rattled against the door, shaking it violently. Swallowing his nerves he reached forward, opening the door slowly.

As he did a book narrowly avoiding knocking him out. He watched in slow-motion as Tachyons and Quantum Field Theory rocketed past him, propelled by reddish-purple magic. He stepped quietly into the bedroom, avoiding the pile of books in the doorway.

Twilight was standing at the back of the room, pouring over a book sitting on the desk. She was surrounded by books, in fact, the entire room was surrounded by books. They lay all over the ground in small, and large, piles. Her bed was a mess, the sheets and pillows carelessly thrown across the room. Spike wondered how he had not heard her before now. She must have been at this for some time.

“Twilight?” Spike said quietly. She did not hear him. Her face was buried in the book she was so intently reading. It was, at least, until she angrily closed the book and tossed it behind her. Spike saw the book tumble through the air, landing messily on a small pile near him. He glanced at the cover, Quantum Entanglement: A Theoretical Approach.

Spike cleared his throat, but Twilight was already busy with another book and either didn't hear him, or was ignoring him. “Twilight,” he spoke a little louder this time. She continued reading, or ignoring him, or both. “Twilight!” he finally shouted.

She turned around, her lips tight and her body tense. She had a bandage wrapped around her skull, and there was a bloodstain on her forehead where Trixie had undoubtedly left a nasty cut.

“Shut up, Spike! I'm trying to read!” she snapped. Twilight turned her attention back to the book she was currently engrossed in. Spike sighed, picking up a relatively small book lying near him. He hefted it in his hands, testing its weight. Satisfied, he cocked his arm back and whipped Death of a Salespony as hard as he could at her. The book flew gracefully across the room smacking Twilight satisfyingly on the back of the head.

She spun around angrily and eyed Spike who was rocking back and forth, whistling some off-key, unrecognizable, tune. She massaged the back of her head, saying, “I'm going to pretend that didn't happen.” As she was turning back around Spike spoke up suddenly.

“Twilight,” he said, splaying his arms out. “What are you doing?”

She took a deep breath before responding, “These books are useless. I thought I could use tachyons,” she said, nodding her head to one side. “But no, apparently they don't work like that,” she added, nodding her head to the other side. She threw up her hooves in frustration. “So much for faster-than-light neutrino anomalies,” she scoffed.

“What are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about time-travel!” she shouted.

“What?”

She sighed, closing her eyes. “I'm going to go back in time and cause Trixie to lose,” she said before opening her eyes again.

“How exactly do you plan on doing that?” Spike inquired.

“Well,” she began, “I thought I could use tachyons. They're faster-than-light particles,” she explained. “But, apparently they can't be used for backwards time-travel,” she sighed. “Tch, stupid astrophysical anomalies.”

Spike gaped at her, lost for words. “Uhh—”

“And then I thought I could use Gödel space-time curves,” she continued. “But again, no. It seems our universe doesn't even have those.” Twilight kicked away a book laying near her hooves angrily. “This sucks.”

Spike used Twilight's pouting as a distraction to allow himself to get closer. As he did he saw that Twilight's mane was frayed, and her coat was dirty. Her eyes were bloodshot and he could see that her stomach was purple, more purple than normal. He tried to comfort her as best he could. “Twilight, we can always find a new home,” he suggested. “We don't have to live here.”

“It's not about that,” Twilight muttered. She hung her head, boring holes into the floor with her stare. “I just can't lose to her,” she mumbled.

Spike stepped a little closer. “What was that?”

Twilight, without looking up, mumbled, “I can't lose, not to her.”

“Sorry?”

“I said, I can't lose!” she shouted fiercely, her head still hung low.

Spike couldn't help but chuckle. “Now who's being petty?”

“Oh, shut up.”

Spike took another couple of steps forward and reached out, patting Twilight on the head. “It's okay,” he said comfortingly. “We'll get through this. There has to be some other way we can convince Trixie to settle for something besides the library.”

“She won't settle. I know, I've got a mare's intuition about these things,” Twilight said. Spike rolled his eyes, careful to not let her see. “There's nothing else I can do, I've thought of everyth— Wait!” Twilight's head shot up, her eyes sparkled with hope. “It's so simple,” she said as she shook her head. “I can't believe I didn't think of it before.”

"Think of what?” asked Spike, confused.

“Wormholes!”

“Come again?”

“Wormholes! They're a kind of 'shortcut' in space-time,” Twilight explained. She searched around, finally grabbing a book off the ground. Tearing one of the pages out she showed it to Spike. “Imagine this page as the space-time continuum,” she said holding the page in front of her. She folded it neatly in half and held it out again. “Now imagine one side of the paper being the past,” she indicated the side facing down, “and one side being the present,” she pointed to the side facing up. Spike nodded to show he was following. Satisfied that Spike was keeping up thus far Twilight, using her magic, cut a perfect hole in the paper so that when unfolded the page would have two holes. “This hole,” she pointed at the hole, “is the wormhole. It allows us to 'step' through the 'folds' in the space-time continuum, moving from one time period to the other, like a doorway; effectively allowing us to travel back in time.”

“But—”

“Well, obviously it's a lot more complicated than that, but you get the basic idea,” Twilight said, waving her hoof nonchalantly. “The real trick is going to be making sure we create a doorway to the right time.” She began pacing back and forth, her forehead creased and her eyes narrowed. “I'll need to run some numbers to figure out where I need to place the wormhole,” she said, thinking out loud.

“Um, has anyone actually ever created one of these 'wormholes'?” Spike asked, making quotation marks with his fingers.

“Not exactly,” Twilight responded, still deep in thought.

“What makes you think you can then?” Spike wondered.

“Nopony has every tried before.”

Spike raised his eyebrows. “So, you'll be the first?”

“Hopefully,” Twilight mused.

Spike shuddered. “How long is going to take to figure out where—”

“Already done,” Twilight replied happily.

Taken aback Spike responded, “That was fast.”

Twilight smiled, “I just needed to figure how quickly I needed to accelerate one end of the wormhole so that it would reach the point in time we need. It was simple really.”

“So where—”

“Oh, I can do it right here,” Twilight interrupted as she scanned the room. She gazed around, examining every inch of her bedroom. After some time she stopped, pointing at the corner nearest to Spike. “Right there,” she said. “That'll be perfect.” Twilight's horn began to emanate with a magical glow as she started casting her science-y witchcraft.

“Hold on,” Spike exclaimed. “You're gonna do it right now?”

Twilight sighed, her horn dimming. “Yes, idiot. Of course right now.”

“I thought you needed to prepare or something,” Spike remarked.

“Oh right, let me go pack some sandwiches for the trip,” Twilight responded sarcastically. “Just shut up and let me do this.”

Spike shrugged his shoulders, “Alright.”

Her horn glowed with reddish-purple magic as she fired it up again. The whole room took on a purple hue as her aura filled the area. Books that weren't already on the ground soon where as the room began to shake. The whole tree was swaying back and forth causing Spike to tumble around helplessly. By some black magic Twilight was able to stand perfectly still, her face hardened in concentration. She bit her lip, pouring more energy into her spell. She squeezed her eyes shut, concentrating harder, sweat pouring down her brow.

Finally, a tiny hole opened in the corner of the room, barely the size of a pinhead. The hole was not 'in' anything, it just floated there, in the air. A pitch black void was the only thing visible through it. The thing seemed to devour light, leaving only cold, black, emptiness. Twilight focused her magic on the hole, now that it had appeared. The purple tinge permeating the room lifted as she concentrated on the wormhole. She was pouring her energy directly into its opening, causing it to grow larger steadily. A short while later it had reached the size of a watermelon.

Twilight furrowed her brow, concentrating harder. She was drenched in sweat now, her mane and tail were billowing from the pure energy being shot in front of her. She bit her lip harder, causing it to bleed slightly. As the blood trickled down her lip the beam of energy being shot into the wormhole grew, and as it did, so did the wormhole itself. By now it had reached the size of cupboard door and was still growing. A few moments later it was as large as a full-size door. Twilight relaxed her magic, allowing it to slow to complete stop. She was panting heavily, and her eyes were drooping. She wiped her brow and gave the wormhole a satisfied look.

“So that's it, huh?” Spike said, gesturing to the wormhole. Twilight nodded as Spike stepped closer to the cavity, examining it intently. As he gazed into it's vast emptiness he shivered, saying, “Looks kinda... ominous.”

“Don't be such a baby,” said Twilight casually as she approached the wormhole. She peered into its inky blackness, analyzing it with a scientific eye. “Looks safe enough to me,” she declared after some time.

“I'm not so sure about this,” Spike said, scratching his head.

“What's the matter? Never seen a space-time distortion before?” Twilight snickered.

“Well no, not—Whoa! Twilight what are you doing?” Spike cried out as he was lifted magically by Twilight. She pulled him close and dove straight into the wormhole. As they entered Spike felt a tugging sensation throughout his body, like he was being sucked into it. Darkness enveloped him as he tumbled through the portal, all of his senses were muted. He couldn't even see Twilight, though he knew she was still holding on to him.

Seconds later the darkness was replaced by blinding light as they tumbled out of the wormhole. An overwhelming sense of vertigo overtook Spike. He couldn't see anything but he felt wind buffeting his entire body, spinning him around. He blinked, tears forming in his eyes as his vision cleared.

As he tumbled uncontrollably he saw splashes of color; first green, then blue, then violet. His eyes slowly focused, allowing him to see that he was not on the ground, as he had hoped. Rather, he was falling very fast some distance above the ground. Next to him, tumbling equally uncontrollably, was Twilight. She had already acclimated to their predicament as her face has calm and her horn was alight with magic. Spike wasn't so calm, he started screaming, spreading his arms and legs out in an attempt to slow himself down.

“Would you shut up?” yelled Twilight over the howling wind. “I'm trying to concentrate!”

He was about to yell back when he suddenly felt himself slowing down greatly, finally coming to a full stop, though not on the ground. They were still hundreds, probably thousands of feet in the air, but they were no longer falling. Spike, who had covered his face with his hands, removed his claws and looked at Twilight. She was enveloped in reddish-purple magic and, when Spike looked at himself, so was he.

“You can make us fly?” asked Spike.

“In a sense,” Twilight admitted. “It's really more of a levitation spell, than one that actually allows us to fly.”

“That's convenient,” said Spike.

“Not really,” Twilight countered. “I've never actually tried it before,” she said. “I've only ever levitated objects, never ponies, and never so high.”

“What?” Spike cried. “You've never tried that before?”

“Now was a good a time as any,” she said, shrugging shoulders. “Besides, how was I supposed to know we would come out of that portal two miles above the ground.”

Spike stared open-mouthed at Twilight. “What do you mean, ‘how was I supposed to know’? I thought you knew where the wormhole was going to lead?” he said as he waved his arms around exasperatedly.

“I had a pretty good idea. I must have miscalculated somehow,” she reasoned, tapping a hoof to her chin. “Probably just miscarried a zero or something.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to make the wormhole next time?” Twilight retorted, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

“No, I just—”

“Oh, shut up. Let's just try to figure out where we are.”

“And when,” added Spike.Twilight eyed him questioningly. “I figure if you've miscalculated and we ended up in the wrong location, then we probably also ended up in the wrong time,” he explained.

Twilight nodded her head in agreement. “That's probably true. And, if that's the case, we need to figure out how to get back to our own time so I can fix the wormhole and try again.”

“How do you plan on doing that?” Spike said, arching an eyebrow.

“I—I don't know,” Twilight admitted.

“Great,” Spike said, rolling his eyes.

"Would you just shut up?” Twilight snapped. “I'll figure out something, okay?”

“Yeah, you do that,” Spike said, crossing his arms and leaning back. He began scanning the sky, trying to get some kind of idea of where they were. He didn't find any landmarks he recognized, it was just fields and forests as far as the eye could see. Way off in the distance he could make out an odd formation of clouds. Some of them had what appeared to be specks of color on them and they were arranged in peculiar fashion. He strained his eyes, squinting through the bright sunlight to see three small ponies standing on one cloud. He was so far away he couldn't even distinguish one from the other, let alone figure out who they were.

“Do you see that?” Spike asked, pointing towards the ponies. Twilight's brow was furrowed and she was tapping her head, eyes shut; unable, or unwilling, to hear Spike. He floated over and tapped her on the shoulder. She looked up questioningly. He turned her head making her follow his line of sight across the sky to the mysterious ponies. Twilight's brow furrowed further as she too strained her eyes.

“Who is that?” she wondered.

“I can't tell,” Spike replied. “It's too far away to see, I can't—Wait! Look, they're getting closer!” he cried suddenly. The two of them gazed into the distance, pushing their eyes to the limit to see that, indeed, the ponies were getting closer. They could tell that two of them were different shades of brown and the third was sky blue. In fact, the third one nearly blended in with the sky itself if it weren't for the rainbow colored mane and tail. “I think—I think that's Rainbow Dash,” Spike exclaimed, completely bewildered.

“I think you're right,” Twilight said, equally confused. “But, what's she—” Twilight's eyes widened as a tiny light bulb went off in her head. She turned to face Spike, her eyes serious. “This must be the race she was talking about,” Twilight said. Spike shrugged. “You know,” insisted Twilight, “the race where she did her first Sonic Rainboom.”

Understanding crossed his face as Spike looked past Twilight, eyes on the race. “Wait a second,” he said, holding up his claw. “That means that I'm just an egg right now, and you're doing your magic test.”

“Do you know what this means, Spike?”

“No.”

“Oh... well, neither do I. I assumed you did.”

“I've got nothing,” Spike said, shrugging his shoulders.

“Crap,” Twilight muttered, “I really thought we—Hold on.” Twilight stopped suddenly, holding up a hoof. “What if we're supposed to help Rainbow Dash win the race?”

“That seems unlikely.”

“Think about it,” she said, her voice becoming grave. “We showed up at the exact moment when Dash did her first Sonic Rainboom.”

“Not the exact moment.”

“Shut up. Anyways, you think that's some kind of cosmic coincidence?”

“Yes.”

“You don't think there's more to it?”

“No.”

“Well I do. I think—” Twilight cut herself off, putting a hoof over Spike's mouth as she did. “Look,” she said, “Rainbow's falling behind. She's going to lose!” Twilight began looking around frantically. “What'll happen if she loses,” she mumbled. “I'll never pass my magic test and I'll never hatch you,” she said, looking at Spike. “I'll never become Celestia's student and I'll never meet my friends.” Twilight became more and more panicked. She started thumping her head with her free hoof. “Think, Twilight, think. What should I do?”

Spike pushed Twilight's hoof away from his mouth, saying, “What you should do is calm down and think this thr—” His speech was cut short by a short burst of energy being ejected from Twilight's horn. Briefly blinded, Spike shook his head and stared at Twilight.

“What the crap, Twilight!”

“I had to do something!” she exclaimed.

“No you didn't! Now what's going to happen?”

They both watched in silence as the reddish-purple blob of magic soared across the sky towards Rainbow Dash. By now she had fallen behind the other pegasus and she was struggling to catch up. She was already hurtling downwards at an incredible speed by the time Twilight's magic hit her and when it did that speed was increased threefold. Rainbow Dash seemed to slice through the air, the wind whistling past her, causing her mane and tail to whip about forcefully.

A cone of air had started to form around her head as she sped towards the ground. She had passed the other pony, sending him spinning into a cloud as she did. The mach cone narrowed as she was propelled faster and faster downwards. Her body seemed to stretch out as she reached previously unobtainable speeds. Twilight and Spike stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed as Rainbow Dash's speed reached such an intense level that she broke through the sound barrier, letting loose a massive explosion of light. The rainbow of colors silently moved across the sky, passing through them harmlessly. It was both beautiful and terrifying. Spike put his hands over his ears and rolled his body up as tight as he could, waiting for the inevitable,

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

The sky rattled as the sound of the explosion reached them. It sent them tumbling through the air, Twilight's magic interrupted by the force of the blast. As they spun around Spike felt that all-too-familiar sensation of vertigo as he began hurtling towards his certain death. His only comfort was in knowing that at least Twilight would face the same fate as him.