My eyes blearily opened, fluttering slowly as I took a deep breath. My heart was racing and my throat felt dry as I let out a wheezing cough. I struggled to focus and take in the room that I’d woke up in but everything was so hazy. I could make out a blue blur moving closer to me, my eyes eventually focusing enough to make out the form of a bright blue pegasus with a rainbow mane hovering over my bed. She had a worried look on her face and her mouth was parted open, as if she wasn’t sure what to say. I opened my mouth and managed to croak out, “Water.” The pegasus seemed to struggle for a moment before nodding and flying across the room, grabbing a pitcher and a glass and bringing them over to me. My eyes blurred again and I felt my head slump back for a moment before I felt a hoof helping lift me up, tilting the glass against my lips. I drank slowly at first, savoring the fresh water as it slipped down my throat, before I shakily reached my hooves up and took the glass on my own. I finished the rest of the glass off in a few moments and was handed another one a few seconds later, which I quickly finished. I handed the glass back and let myself sink back down into the bed. My eyelids felt heavy and I let them close as my breathing slowed, sleep quickly reclaiming me and taking me away.
When I awoke again I became aware of a million different problems with myself all at once, pain everywhere, a headache lodged deep behind my forehead, aches in every joint, a pain so fierce in my stomach, and my whole body felt like I had been rubbed raw with sandpaper. I groaned and rolled onto my side, curling into a ball and clenching my hooves to my gut.
“Hey now darlin’, are y’all doin alright,” a voice whispered from the bedside. I looked up to see an orange earth pony sitting in a chair next to the bed. Concern was etched into her features and it only deepened as I groaned, turning my face into the pillow, trying to block out all the feelings assaulting me. “Alright, gimme jus’ a moment, ah’ll go an’ get Twilight,” she whispered to me before getting up and carefully making her way to the door.
A minute later I heard the door open again but I didn’t look up, keeping my eyes closed, attempting to keep the headache away. A warmth washed over me and within seconds I felt all the pain drift away, my body slowly untensing. I turned my head and my vision focused slowly on a purple unicorn. Her vision was focused intensely on me and I felt scrutinized under her stare. I turned my vision away sheepishly, murmuring a small thank you as I did so.
“How do you feel,” the unicorn asked. My eyes flickered back to the face of the unicorn and I struggled to find words, floundering on my own tongue under her stare. We both sat staring at one another for a few moments before the stare was broken by the door opening. My eyes turned to see the blue pegasus standing in the doorway staring at me, our eyes breaking contact as the pegasus turned to the unicorn.
“Is she...okay,” the pegasus asked.
The unicorn turned her gaze off of me and looked at the pegasus, “I used a spell to remove some of the pain that she’s dealing with but I can’t say. I think she’s still in shock, she hasn’t really said anything to me or Applejack so far.”
The unicorn turned back to me and slowly walked up to the bed, giving me a small smile and saying, “Hey, you’re alright now. Whatever made you...run away like that can’t get you here.”
I blinked at the pegasus, my mouth fumbling for a few moments, “I…” The sentence broke down into a cough and when I looked up there was a glass of water being held out by the pegasus. I nodded and began drinking from it. As I finished the cup I heard a scuffle on the other side of the door, the sound of two ponies arguing breaking through moments before the door was opened and the sound reached us.
“Consarnit Pinkie, you can’t just come barging in like that,” the orange earth pony was saying, following a pink earth pony into the room.
“Twilight Sparkle,” the pink earth pony began, “you have officially broken a Pinkie Promise and as such-” The earth pony trailed off as our eyes met. “Oh my gosh! Why didn’t anypony tell me that we had somepony new in town! I have to go get a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ together right now! My name is Pinkie Pie,” she exclaimed, hopping onto the end of the bed and giving me a wide smile before asking, “what’s yours?”
Everypony started looking at each other before their eyes all settled on me. I opened my mouth, pausing before frowning and looking down at my hooves, burning holes into them as I struggled to think.
“I…” I looked up and met the eyes of the blue pegasus. “I don’t know.”
I stood looking in a mirror, my eyes struggling to focus as I took breath after breath. I met my own eyes in the mirror and studied them, looking for something. Green eyes, yellow coat, red mane,, all unfamiliar. Nothing about the mare I was staring at was familiar, the horn, the soft facial features, the scar adorning my cheek. I was a complete stranger and I had no idea what I was even supposed to feel about it. I turned and looked at my flank, studying the blank spot where my cutie mark was supposed to be at. Why didn’t I have one? A knock at the door startled me and I turned, cracking the door open and glancing out at the blue mare who was in the room when I first woke up. There was concern etched on her face, and her magenta eyes were almost pleading with mine.
“Are you...okay?” She seemed to realize that her question was stupid and she adjusted herself, brushing her rainbow mane to the side and shuffling in place before speaking up again, “I mean...I just, uhhhh. Wow, I’m bad at this. Do you want somepony to talk to? Maybe talking about stuff will...help?” I stared at her for a few moments, trying to gather my thoughts together enough to form a sentence.
“I…I really don’t remember anything. I don’t know a single thing about myself, my hobbies, my special talent, or how I got here.” I paused for a moment, looking at my hooves and tracing the patchwork of cuts and bruises on them before looking back up at her and continuing, “I really don’t think talking is going to help.”
The mare studied me for a few more moments before visibly relaxing, her shoulders untensing and the frown on her face vanishing. “So you really don’t remember anything...Well at the very least I can tell you about how you got here. The rest will come back eventually according to Twilight.”
“Fine. I suppose I’m not exactly going anywhere soon in the state that I’m in. I guess I’ll hear you out,” I grumbled.
She led me back to the room that I was in and took a seat on the chair next to the bed, waiting until I had seated myself on the comforter to begin. “So I should probably introduce myself first, I’m Rainbow Dash. You’re on Sweet Apple Acres right now, a farm on the edge of Ponyville. A couple days ago I…” she paused for a moment, thinking hard to herself before she spoke again, “I was flying over ponyville working with the clouds and I saw you running into Whitetail Woods being chased by a timberwolf. I couldn’t just leave you so I flew over and beat it up. By the time I got to you, you were already unconscious. I carried you back to town and Twilight patched you up. You weren’t waking up though and she needed space at the library so she asked Applejack if you could just rest here.”
I was silent for a few moments, digesting the information she had told me before I began formulating responses. “You said there was a wolf chasing me?”
“A timberwolf. It’s like a wolf but it’s made out of sticks and stuff,” she explained.
I nodded, “Okay, so why didn’t I just fight it? I’m a unicorn, I’d imagine I would have known some form of a spell.”
Rainbow Dash jerked like she had been shocked, “Uhhhhhh…Twilight says there was a ring on your horn that was stopping you from doing magic. It also stopped me from carrying you. At least according to Twilight, something about pegasi flying with magic. All I know is when I caught you I dropp-“ she clamped her mouth shut and fidgeted in her seat as she thought for a moment. “I mean when I went to carry you back to town I had to walk, not an easy trip honestly. You got lucky with your savior, I’m one of the strongest ponies around Ponyville.”
I nodded and gave a smile, my eyes trailing her as she relaxed in her seat again. I thought for a moment before asking, “So who are all of these ponies you keep mentioning?”
“Oh! Right, I’m not used to meeting new ponies often. Most ponies in Ponyville know everypony else.” Rainbow Dash told me about her friends, mentioning the ones that I’d already met, and mentioning two that I hadn’t had the chance to get acquainted with. “So, is this helping at all?”
I thought hard for a moment, “I suppose talking is helping me figure out part of myself in a weird way. I’m not really having to think about the way I’m putting sentences together so I suppose a part of myself still exists in this empty head.”
“Right…” Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her head, “Well it sounds like I did something so mission accomplished I guess!”
I rolled my eyes and leaned back on the bed, “I suppose. So what happens now? I don’t think I have anywhere to go so-“
“Well, sugarcube,” a voice startled me at the door and I sat up quickly, my eyes landing on Applejack, “when y’all are feelin’ better you’re free to help us around the farm. There’s plenty of work to be done and if you’re gonna be stayin’ we could call it even for the room.”
I thought about it for a moment before nodding, “I’d appreciate it, but you’re really fine with just letting a stranger stay in your home?”
Applejack nodded and gave me a smile as she said, “Well I’m usually pretty good at tellin’ lies from the truth, an’ ah don’t think y’all are lyin’ to us about not remembering where y’all are from.”
I smiled back and got myself out of bed, “Well I feel fine now, when can I start earning my keep?”
Applejack rolled her eyes, “Sugarcube, y’all ain’t doin’ nothin’ for at least a week according to Twilight. Plus, until y’all remember your name, we gotta figure out what to call ya.”
Rainbow Dash seemed to perk up at that, “Ooh, I’ve got a suggestion!”
Applejack looked concerned and shook her head, “Y’all named a turtle Tank, and ya think we’re gonna let ya help a pony figure out her name?”
Rainbow Dash scowled and scrunched in her seat as I thought for a few moments. “I suppose Astra would be fine.”
Rainbow dash left not too long after that, her eyes glancing at me worriedly as she flew away, and I spent the rest of the day meeting the rest of Applejack’s family. There was a small pale filly named Apple Bloom, a large red stallion named Big Mac, and an old green mare named Granny Smith. The house was pretty large and it was nice and homely. Everywhere my eyes landed was another sign that this was a beloved family home. Pictures of relatives hung on the walls, along with nicknacks adorning shelves. The kitchen was spacious and the pantry was well stocked. I wanted to take a tour of the farm but Applejack said that we’d get to that when I felt better. Eventually the day drew to a close and the sun began to set. The Apple family all met in the kitchen as Big Mac doled out the food.
Dinner was a lively affair and I simply smiled and ate as I watched Apple Bloom yell about her day with her friends. Big Mac wasn’t of many words, and Granny Smith egged Apple Bloom on, much to the chagrin of Applejack. It was a nice evening, and took my mind off of my most pressing problems for a little bit.
After dinner everypony headed off to their rooms for the night. The house was quiet after that, only the periodic snoring of Granny Smith or the sound of somepony getting up to use the restroom as the only indication that there were still ponies in the house. My mind wouldn’t stop racing as I reviewed all of the information I’d learned over the course of the day, trying to come up with something to help me remember anything about myself. After an hour of combing through what I could I came up with nothing and was giving myself a headache, so I went to my window and opened it, feeling the crisp night air flow into the room. It occurred to me that I had no idea what season it even was and I couldn’t help but laugh at the situation I had found myself in. It sounded like something out of a book, a mare who had no idea about herself, waking up finding herself surrounded by nice ponies, making a new life for herself. I scrubbed my face and groaned to myself, wondering what I was going to do.
I stood at the window for a while, turning my gaze to the night sky, watching the stars twinkle and the moon hang high, shining down and illuminating the farm. Gazing at the moon, I felt a feeling well up in my chest and it took a tear falling down my cheek for me to realize that it was sadness. I sniffled and wiped my cheek, staring at the wet patch on my hoof. Why was I…sad? I gazed back up at the moon, racking my brain and trying to figure out the reason behind the tightness in my chest. After a few moments I gave a huff and turned away, crawling into the bed and attempting to push away the unknown feelings. I drifted away, something unknown stuck to the tip of my tongue.
I opened my eyes to find snow billowing around me, biting into my hide and stinging my eyes as it peppered me. The landscape around me was obscured by the raging storm and I raised a hoof to try and block the snow from my eyes. I began to stumble my way forward, unsure of where I was going but knowing that I had to keep moving. After a few small steps a light appeared in the distance, a warmth emanating from the same direction and abating the snow some. I began to shuffle towards the warmth, almost desperate to get out of the cold. I didn’t notice the lump in my way until I tripped, splaying out in the cold snow. I groaned and turned, shuffling my way off of the lump and taking in the form of a pony half covered in snow, reaching for where the light was coming from. I gagged and rolled away from the body, struggling to get back to my hooves on shaky limbs. After a few steadying breaths of the stingingly cold air, I was able to keep moving, staggering my way forward. My legs kept bowing, barely able to keep my body up. My head hung low and my breaths were short and shallow. Everything hurt and it was all I could manage to keep moving towards the light.
A noise out in the snow caught my ear and I paused, turning my head to scan for whatever I heard. I saw the form of a pony shuffling through the storm a few meters away from me. They began to call out again but cut off as they caught sight of me. I felt a scowl take place on my face as I caught sight of the mare walking up to me. Her form was covered by a cowl blowing in the wind but I could make out her dark blue coat and a pair of striking blue eyes searching the snowy landscape. Her face broke out into relief upon seeing me.
“Oh thank Celestia you’re okay,” she exclaimed as she galloped the rest of the distance to me.
“Stay away from me,” I shouted and stumbled back, landing hard on my haunches.
She pulled up, a hurt look crossing her face. “You’re...upset at me?”
The scowl deepened and I felt hate and vitriol begin coursing through my veins as I struggled to spit words out, “Are you kidding me? You’ve taken everything from me! My life is ruined, my family thinks I’m a freak, and most of all...she...” I broke down, tears trailing down my cheeks as I began to sob.
Her voice was small as she tried to explain, “I only wanted to help.” Her eyes lowered to her hooves, not daring to look at me.
“Well look where your help has gotten me,” I sniveled back, “lost whoever knows where, with nopony to care.”
Her eyes flicked up to mine, full of hurt and sadness, “I’m sorry...you’re...you’re dead.”
I sat up quickly, my breath coming in short heaves, leaving my chest hurting. I brushed my mane from out of my face and struggled out of the blanket on the bed. I stood on wobbly hooves and felt the cool night air dry the sweat covering my body. I stumbled to the bathroom on wobbly hooves, flicking the light on and diving for the toilet just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into it.
“Fuck…” I mumbled, blearily looking at the remains of my dinner from last night.
I flushed the toilet and turned the sink faucet on, splashing some water in my face. I let myself calm down for a moment before looking up into the mirror, taking in the sight of the haggard mare looking back at me. Bloodshot grey eyes stared back at me, a frazzled silver mane sat on my head and my dark blue fur was stained with various fluids.
“Ugh, you look like shit,” I said to my reflection. She didn’t say anything back.
I glanced at the shower and paused, feeling the grime caked onto my fur and my mane, before sighing and using my magic to turn it on. I stepped into the spray, feeling it run in rivulets down my form, flattening my mane and washing away the filth covering me. I let out a sigh of relief and enjoyed the warmth, grabbing a sponge and some soap and letting my magic scrub away. I rinsed the suds out and turned the water off, reaching for a towel to dry myself with. I did my best to get the water out of my mane but it was still pretty damp. I looked at the blowdryer on the vanity for a moment before grabbing a scrunchie and tying my mane in a ponytail. I looked at my reflection again, nodding at the basically brand new mare.
“Better,” I said, getting a small smile back.
I stepped out of the bathroom into the darkness of the rest of my house. I flipped on the light, revealing the living room. The amount of trash on the floor turned the grin on my face into a frown and I sighed, chewing on my cheek for a moment before I groaned.
“Fuck it,” I muttered, picking my way across the room to the front door, opening it and flicking the light off behind me.
The outside air was refreshing and I filled my lungs, stepping down the stones leading from my door to the road. There was a small breeze and it made me shiver as the crisp autumn night enveloped me. I reached the road and turned right, my hooves carrying me for a bit before I stopped, realizing where I was unconsciously heading to.
“No, I don’t think we need to deal with that right now,” I mumbled to myself, turning and meandering my way down a road in the opposite direction.
I continued wandering for a few minutes, not entirely sure of where I was headed, just walking and taking in the night. I caught sight of some branches over the top of a roof and I came around the corner, finding myself at Twilight Sparkle’s library. I shuffled back and forth, wondering if I should even bother her. This late at night it’s a gamble on if she’s up studying or asleep in bed. I shook my head and went to turn away before my attention was grabbed by a candle moving in one of the windows. Well, somepony was up at least, that was good enough for me. I made my way to the door and knocked lightly, hoping I had been loud enough to be heard.
The door cracked open and a sleepy Spike murmured, “Sorry, library’s closed.” He rubbed his eye and looked up, brightening up when he noticed me, “Oh! Hey, Astra. What are you doing here so late,” he punctuated the question with a yawn, making me wince.
“Sorry Spike. I was on a walk and I saw that somepony was awake, I thought it might have been Twilight,” I said sheepishly.
He paused for a moment, turning and looking in the dark room behind him before opening the door, “I’m pretty sure she’s up, I heard her talking to herself. She’d probably bite my head off if I told her you came by and I closed the door on you.”
I smiled and stepped through the door, thanking him and making small talk as he finished preparing the snack he was making before I knocked. We walked upstairs together and he said goodnight as he departed into his room, leaving me standing alone in front of Twilight’s door. I reached up to knock on the door, pausing when I heard Twilight’s voice. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but there was a tinge of worry to her voice. I readied myself to knock again but was interrupted by another voice, this one higher pitched and unmistakable. I turned to walk away but was interrupted by the door opening.
Twilight shouted, “Well I’m going to find her,” before turning and catching me in the hallway. “Oh...I guess we don’t have to look very hard.”
I saw Rainbow Dash peek her head around the door frame and I felt my stomach drop. I gave them a small wave and chuckled awkwardly, “Heyyyy girls. What’s up?”
The three of us stood there awkwardly for a few moments before Twilight rushed forward, catching me off guard with a hug. “Astra, where have you been? I missed you yesterday!”
I gave her a quick hug back, my eyes flicking over to Dash before looking back to her. “Twilight, we saw each other like yesterday,” I said, cocking an eyebrow at her.
She tilted her head, her eyebrows knitting in concern as she asked, “Astra, what day do you think it is?”
“Ummmmm. Wednesday,” I said, leaving it as more of a question than an answer.
Twilight looked back at Dash and the two shared a look of concern. It was quiet until Dash broke the silence, “Dude, it’s Friday.”
“Oh…” There was nothing more I could really say other than that. “I don’t remember anything from the last few days then. I remember…” I trailed off, my eyes focusing on Dash before moving to the floor. “The last thing I remember is Monday night.”
Dash looked away and Twilight looked between the two of us, raising an eyebrow. “Well I’m glad to know that you’re okay at least. You are okay right? I can’t imagine you’d vanish for four days and appear in my house at midnight and not be okay.”
The bite in Twilight’s comment made me flinch and I shuffled my hooves awkwardly. “Sorry Twilight. I promise I’m fine, I didn’t mean to vanish on you girls.”
Dash spoke up, surprising me as she said, “You’re fine, just don’t do it again A.”
I gave her a small smile and felt my chest flutter as she returned it. The moment was broken by Twilight speaking up, “So, everything is fine, but why are you in my house at midnight after vanishing for four days?”
I blinked, thinking for a moment before brightening up, “Right! Twilight you’re smart, what does it mean when you have the same dream like...four, maybe five times in a row?”
She blinked at me, “Really, that’s it? You reappear and the only reason you’re here is because you keep having a dream?”
I nodded, “Uh-huh.”
She rolled her eyes, “I oughta be insulted, but I’ll make an exception for you.” I smiled at her and she continued, “Well I haven’t studied dreams very much but if it’s a recurring dream then it’s probably your subconscious trying to tell you something.”
I nodded along, “Okay but what if I’m sure that it’s a memory and not just a dream?”
Twilight blinked at me, opening her mouth before being pushed out of the way by a frantic Dash, “You’re remembering stuff?”
I was taken aback by the panic in her voice, “Well, no, not really. It’s just the one dream and I don’t actually know if it’s a memory. I just...I really feel like it is. It’s so,” I paused, searching for the right words before finishing lamely, “real.”
Dash let out a sigh of relief, causing both me and Twilight to look at each other in confusion. “Is everything okay,” I asked her.
Dash straightened up, glancing at me with a look in her eyes that I couldn’t decipher as she burst out, “Yeah, just fine, uh-huh. Couldn’t be better.”
Me and Twilight shared another look and she shook her head, “Right well why don’t you tell me about it and maybe we can figure it out together.”
I nodded and the three of us made our way downstairs, Twilight putting on a kettle for us as we got situated around her table. I explained the dream I had been having, sharing awkward glances with Dash as I did so, trying to figure out what had got her so riled up.
Twilight waited until I finished explaining to ask a question, “So, you say you’re sure this is a memory and not a dream, and I’m not discounting that but it sounds like you’re explaining an afterlife of some kind. How exactly could you have a memory like that? You’re clearly alive.”
I shrugged. “I can’t explain it, Twilight, I just know. I remember it so vividly, the snow, the fatigue, the warmth and comfort from that light. That...burning hatred.”
“Do you know why you were mad at that mare,” Dash asked, surprising me.
I was silent for a few moments, thinking as hard as I could before shaking my head, “No. I remember saying something about her ruining my life but I don’t remember what exactly I was thinking, just the surface of what I was feeling. I don’t really know how to explain it.”
Twilight spoke up, “Well it seems like your memory of it is impeccable which is rare for a dream, have you had any other dreams like this before?”
“Twilight I don’t even remember the last time I woke up remembering a dream, much less hours or days later,” I responded.
“Well there’s no real way to tell if it’s a dream or a memory so I guess we should just chalk it up to dream and move on, right,” Dash broke in.
Me and Twilight gave her confused looks and I spoke up first, “Why are you being weird about this?”
“I’m not being weird about anything,” Dash exclaimed. “I’m just saying that even if it’s a memory there’s no way to tell, and not to mention that that’s a pretty messed up memory! I mean, like, who even wants to remember something like dying.”
I furrowed my brow, “Dash, it’s not just about that one memory. What if that one memory could lead me to another. Maybe I can remember who I am.”
She huffed and responded, “Why do you even need to remember? Your life is in Ponyville. You have us, why do you need your old life anymore?”
I stood up, slamming my hooves on the table as I shouted at her, “HOW ABOUT YOU TRY AND LIVE YOUR LIFE NOT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF. I’ve been here for six months and I haven’t heard anything. Nopony has come looking for me, I haven’t remembered anything, I can’t even tell you what my fucking cutie mark is. Do you know how disheartening it is to watch days go by without any clue if you’re ever going to be yourself again? You don’t. You have no idea what it’s like, and I don’t want you to sit there and tell me what you think is best for me when this is the only lead I’ve had.”
I was near tears by the end and I felt like I was about to explode until Twilight laid her hoof on mine. “Astra, I get that it’s frustrating and scary not to know who you are, but just remember that we’re your friends. We care about you and we’re here to help you, no matter what.” She ended the sentence with a pointed look at Dash. Dash had the sense to look ashamed as Twilight continued, “I can think of one thing that might be able to help you. Princess Luna knows a lot about dreams and she helps ponies with nightmares all the time. Maybe I could send a letter to Celestia and ask her for Luna’s help.”
I sat down and wiped my eyes, giving Twilight a smile, “Do you think she would help?”
Twilight nodded back, “Of course she’ll help, the Princesses are always willing to help.”
“Thank you Twilight,” I said, slumping forward onto the table.
Dash spoke up quietly, causing me to look up and meet her eyes, “A, I’m sorry. I don’t know what it’s like to not know anything about myself, and I wasn’t trying to stop you from finding out about yourself, I just worry that you’re going to leave us if you find out that you have a better life somewhere else.”
I smiled at her and felt my chest flutter again, “Dash, I swear I’m not going anywhere, no matter how cushy of a life I might have had before. Ponyville is my home now.”
I reached across the table and laid my hoof on top of hers. She left it there for a moment before curling hers around mine, squeezing my hoof reassuringly. We all stood up from the table and Twilight assured me she would send the letter tomorrow morning as soon as Spike woke up. She saw me and Dash to the door and the two of us stepped out into the chilly air, wishing Twilight a nice night. She closed the door on us and we began walking together, falling into silence as we made our way away from the tree house.
We reached my house first and the two of us lingered under the moonlight. I felt that flutter in my chest again as I looked at her, the moonlight framing her in shadows in a way that made her look exquisite. I paused for a moment, taking it in, before I gave a sigh and sat down.
“Can we…talk?” Dash turned her eyes away as I asked the question. “I just…”
The silence returned with force as Dash looked down at the ground, shuffling her forehoof in the dirt, trying to distract herself. I searched for something to say, but came up with nothing and spent the next tense moments berating myself. I sighed again and turned, stepping softly on the stones as I made my way inside my house. I closed the door behind me and slumped against it, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. I felt tears welling up, hot and heavy and I berated myself, trying to hold them back before a sob sounded in my throat and I broke down, crying on the floor.