//------------------------------// // Episode 5: The Ponyguard // Story: Ponyville Pawn Stars // by TimidWolf //------------------------------// I'm Cash Money, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my sire, Old Money; and my colt, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned in all my years in Ponyville, is that you never know WHAT is going to trot through that door. This is Ponyville Pawn Stars. Big Hoss had just completed the first sale of the day. He bought a set of carpenter's tools from another earth pony. As the two of them shook hooves Hoss said, "Let's go write this up." But before they could move on to the next counter, Cash Money came up from behind the counter and approached Hoss. "Hey, son," he said under his breath, "when you got done here I need you in the back for a meeting." "Yeah, Pops, just give me a few minutes," Hoss replied. "All right then, we'll be waiting," Cash said before he trotted off toward the back office. Awhile later, Big Hoss finished up his business with the customer and walked into the back office where he joined the meeting between Cash, Old Money and Derpy. He looked at the gray mare, then at his father and asked, "She's part of this meeting, too?" "I'll explain," Cash said. "Have a seat, let's get started." Hoss took a seat at his desk as Cash shuffled a few papers on his desktop. He cleared his throat and began speaking: "Alright, guys, listen up. About a month ago, as you all remember, we had an incident in the shop involving a fake royal artifact and a rather ticked-off con pony. When the dust settled, one of our display counters got busted up and I was assaulted. But thankfully, Big Hoss here quickly intervened before anypony else was injured." "Yay, boss Hoss!" Derpy exclaimed as she clapped her hooves excitedly. Big Hoss smiled and nodded his head in acknowledgement. "Although I commend his efforts then," he continued, "I have to point out that it's not his job to ensure the safety of the customers or merchandise. As a pawnbroker, his job is to provide good customer service." "Um, Dad?" Hoss cut in. "I'm not following you. Not to toot my own horn too loudly, but I protected everypony in the shop from one violent lunatic pretty much all on my own. I'd call that outstanding customer service if you ask me." "Boy, shut up and listen to yer sire," Old Money piped up. "He's got a point to make and he don't need none of yer backsassin'." "Pops, it's alright, I'm getting to it," Cash said to his father before he addressed his son. "What I mean is that you can't conduct regular business at your best if you've got to intervene in situations like that." "I can't remember if we've ever had a situation like that before," Hoss said. "Who knows when it'll happen again?" "Ponies kicking over counters haven't been my only concern lately," Cash countered. "I'm also concerned about the number of shoplifting attempts we've had in here." "Shoplifting?" Hoss asked incredulously. "Dad, we're all over that. Nothing gets by us and nopony tries to steal our stuff without us knowing about it. I mean, even Derpy can spot a shoplifter." He stopped, turned to look her in the crossed eyes and added, "No offense, Derpy." She shrugged and replied, "Eh, none taken." "My point," Cash stated, "is that we all can focus on being better salesponies if our heads aren't constantly on a swivel looking for those signs of trouble in the shop. That's why a few weeks ago I went ahead and started looking for candidates to work a security guard position at the shop." "A security guard? Here?" Hoss asked. "Seriously?" "Look, I know Ponyville doesn't have the same crime rate as Manehatten or Las Pegasus..." "Dad, Ponyville doesn't have one-tenth their crime rate! I say hiring a security guard here is completely unnecessary. Do we even have the hours available on the payroll for that?" "Yes, son, we do," Cash assured him. "I've crunched the numbers and I've made up my mind. Store security is very important to me, so we're hiring a security guard. And you and Derpy are going to interview the candidates." "Derpy and I are interviewing them? When?" "Today." "Today? Like, today today?" "What, is there an echo in here? Yes, today today! I've got all their applications right here for you," he said as he tapped a stack of papers on his desk with a hoof. "You and Derpy can go set up an interview area in the break room. I'll send the candidates back there as they come in." Big Hoss sighed as he looked at Derpy and said, "All right then. Come on, let's go set everything up." The two of them got up and walked toward the break room. I'm putting Big Hoss in charge of evaluating the applicants because once he chooses one, it'll be his responsibility to follow up on security measures with him, Cash said in an on-camera interview. The security guard has got to keep our stuff from walking out the door unpaid and keep ponies from getting uppity with the brokers. As the shift leader, Big Hoss has to make sure that guard is up to snuff. It's important that he is because Hoss can't always be there to do the flank-kicking. Then again, flank-kicking usually isn't the best first response in a business setting... A short time later Big Hoss and Derpy has the break room area set up for their interviews. The two of them sat side-by-side at the table with all of the applications in front of them. No sooner than they had finished, the door opened a little and Cash poked his head in. "You guys ready?" He asked. "Your first applicant's here." "Yeah, Dad, send him in," Big Hoss replied. Cash left, and a moment later the door opened wide to reveal a huge white muscle-bound pegasus with tiny wings and a set of barbells on his flank. He had a buzzcut mane and an earring in his left ear. Derpy's eyes popped wide open at the sight of him. Hoss greeted, "Good morning, um," he paused to read the name on the application, "Snowflake, is it?" "Yeeeeah!" he exclaimed. "That's me!" "Go ahead and take a seat," Hoss said. As Snowflake sat at the other side of the table he continued, "So tell me, what do you think qualifies you as a security pony?" "Well, how about these bad boys for starters?!" Snowflake started flexing his foreleg muscles and grunted, "Oh yeah, check 'em out! They're ready to work for you!" "All right, tough guy, simmer down now," Hoss said. "I see you've got some great, um, physical qualifications. So let's move on. Imagine for a minute that you're in the shop and you see somepony trying to slip something of ours into their saddlebag without paying for it. What do you do?" "I'd jump on that pony, that's what I'd do!" Snowflake answered. "Okay then," Hoss said, "so you'd confront the pony and say what?" "Nothin'! Like I said, I'd jump on them, wrestle 'em to the floor, and make 'em cry uncle 'til they give the stuff back!" Derpy and Big Hoss stared blankly at the hulking pony for a moment. Then Hoss spoke up, "Um, no. Tackling the offender is not the right answer. You'd want to approach them first if you can without calling too much attention to the situation." "Oh," he replied. "Okay, gotcha." Hoss continued, "Now suppose you see somepony getting an attitude with one of the brokers. How would you handle that situation?" "Jump on 'em!" Snowflake exclaimed again. "No!" Hoss repeated, "Again, not the right answer." Derpy then piped up, "But boss Hoss, that's what you did." "Yeah!" Snowflake said, "That's right! Isn't that how it all went down with that one guy last month? He copped an attitude and you mopped the floor with 'em!" "That was different," Hoss reasoned. "He was already destroying our property and threatening other ponies. We want to keep those situations from escalating to that level." He picked up a quill in his mouth, wrote some notes on the application and said to Snowflake, "On that note, I think I have all the information I need from you." "Really?" He asked as he stood up. "That's it? Great!" "Do you have any questions for me before you go?" Hoss queried. Snowflake was about to turn and leave when he stopped and replied, "Actually, I do. Do you guys do any, um, random substance testing on your employees?" Hoss answered, "Well no, not currently. Why do you ask?" "Ah, no reason!" Snowflake said as his tiny wings flitted about. "No reason at all..." "All right then," Hoss said. "Good talking with you, we'll let you know when we make our decision." "Yeah, you bet! See ya!" Snowflake left the room and closed the door behind him. "Okay," Hoss said as he picked up the quill again and made more notes on Snowflake's application. "So that one's a firm no." "Really?" Derpy asked. "That's too bad. He was interesting." Meanwhile as Snowflake was leaving, he brushed past a gray unicorn gentlecolt wearing saddlebags at the front door. He cantered through the showroom and up to the back counter, where Cash greeted him. "Good morning," he said. "Welcome to the Silver Saddle Pawn Shop." "Mornin'," the unicorn replied. "What can we do for you today?" Cash asked. "I hear you collect old stuff," the customer remarked. "I do if it's worth anything," Cash said. Then he quickly added, "And if it's authentic." "Well, I hope you'll be interested in this," the unicorn said as he used his magic to pull something out of his bag. It was a rectangular object wrapped in a black cloth. As he set it on the counter he continued, "It's been in my family for generations, but my youngest daughter is set to go to college in Canterlot and I need to start paying her tuition." He magically unwrapped the object to reveal a framed picture. "How would you like to own an original Leonard DiHoovsie drawing?" "Are you serious?" Cash asked as he took a closer look at the contents of the pictureframe. Inside was a deeply yellowed canvas with diagrams and notations in a foreign language written upon it. "It looks like plans for some kind of flying machine," Cash said. "It is," the customer confirmed. "My grandfather was an aeronautical engineer when he picked this up many, many years ago. He had it hung in his office as a little something to brag about. He'd tell his clients that he'd use it as inspiration to help ponykind get into the air. When he passed on, this piece went to my dad, who kept it locked up in our vault where it's been sitting ever since." This is one of the coolest things I've seen in quite awhile," Cash said in an on-camera interview. DiHoovsie was an incredibly talented painter, artist and inventor. He came up with all kinds of concepts and ideas that were way ahead of his time. I'm sure there are still ideas of his that we're still waiting on to happen. The thing I am concerned about with this piece is whether or not it's an authentic work of DiHoovsie's. The Royal Astrolia Society for the Preservation of the Arts owns most of his work, so it's very rare to find one in the hooves of a private collector. I was almost burned on a fake artifact before, so I want to be extra careful with this one. "Does the RASPA know that you have this?" Cash asked. "I'm sure they do," the unicorn answered. "I remember my dad telling me about how they approached him once asking him to donate it. He refused, of course, because it had too much sentimental value for him to part with. I've considered contacting them, but they'd probably ask that I donate it to them rather than sell it." "So how much do you want for it?" Cash inquired. "Well, college in Canterlot ain't cheap," the customer said. "I was thinking I'd get at least ten thousand bits for it. The smaller paintings of his are worth about that much." "Hmm," Cash thought aloud. "The thing about that is, those are full-blown paintings. But what you have here is essentially a drawing on canvas. These things are hard to authenticate and even harder to value. Would you mind if I called in an expert to take a look at this and get a better fix on what it's worth? She lives right here in town." "Sure thing, go right ahead," he said. "Great," Cash said. "I'll send for her." Some time later a purple unicorn galloped into the showroom. She found Cash and the customer and ran up to them. "Hi, Cash!" she said excitedly. "I got your message and got here as fast as I could! Is it here?! Is the DiHoovsie here?!" "Yes, Twilight, it's right here," Cash assured her. "Now calm down before you start freaking out the customer." My name's Twilight Sparkle, and I'm an expert in Equestrian art and history, she said in an on-camera interview outside of the store. I was at the library doing my monthly recataloging when I received Cash's message. When I heard that he wanted me to authenticate an original DiHoovsie, I had to drop everything and rush over here as fast as my legs could carry me! "Okay then!" Twilight said as she composed herself. She looked at the customer and said, "Forgive my enthusiasm, sir, but I love DiHoovsie's work. I've researched him for years and I'm confident that I can discern the value of your piece with absolute certainty." "That's quite alright, young lady," the customer said. "It's always nice to meet a patron of the arts. Here it is." He magically moved the black cloth aside and revealed the framed drawing. "Oh my goodness," Twilight said as she stared at the piece. "Sir, would it be okay if I removed the drawing from its frame so I could more closely examine it?" "Sure, allow me," he said as he magically turned the frame over, unfastened the clasps on the back and lifted it off to reveal a rectangular piece of tattered canvas. Twilight magically lifted the canvas and held it in front of her. She turned it over a couple times before she set it down and declared, "Gentlecolts, I'm happy to report that you have a genuine DiHoovsie sitting before you!" "You sure, Twilight?" Cash asked. "That sure didn't take you long." "Oh, I'm positive, Cash!" she assured him. "I've studied DiHoovsie for years, and have attainted intimate knowledge of all his work." "Well, that's good," he said. "I thought...wait a minute, Twilight, did you just say 'intimate' knowledge?" At that moment she blushed and replied, "Oh, uh whoops, did I say intimate? I meant, um, in-depth, in-depth knowledge of his work!" Cash looked at her with a raised eyebrow and said, "Uh, Twi? I don't know what kinds of history books you read, but what you do on your time doesn't have to be any of my business." "If you don't mind me asking," the customer said as he broke the awkward moment, "how do you know this is the real deal?" "Well," Twilight explained, "aside from DiHoovsie's telltale writing and design style, the canvas itself is a definite sign of its authenticity. The piece is roughly cut with angled edges, which suggests that it came from a much larger canvas. That would be consistent with DiHoovsie's sketching methods. He would compose all of his ideas on a gigantic canvas whenever he got inspired, and then separate each sketch later." Cash nodded as he listened to her little history lesson, then asked, "So what do you think it's worth?" Twilight looked at the customer and asked, "So do you want the good news first or the bad?" "Bad news first, I always say," he remarked with a hint of disappointment. "The bad news is that the condition of this piece isn't all that great, and it's rather small. Both those reasons make it a difficult display piece, which certainly affects its value," Twilight explained. "However, his sketches are every bit as desirable as his paintings among collectors. Plus, the flying machine subject matter is definitely appealing to both historians and airship enthusiasts. If I had to put a value on this right now, I'd say this is worth about five or six thousand bits." "That still doesn't sound like good news to me," the customer said. "That's a lot lower than what I expected." "Unfortunately, the art market is taking a huge hit lately," Twilight said. "Ponies aren't buying art like they used to. There's nothing we can do about that." Cash extended a hoof towards Twilight and said, "Well, Twi, thanks for your help again." Twilight shook his hoof and replied, "Always a pleasure, Cash. If you need me again today I'll be sorting books at the library. See you later!" As she left, Cash turned to the customer and asked, "So what do you think? Still want to part with it?" "That depends," he said. "What are you willing to offer for it?" "You probably won't like it," Cash answered, but I'm willing to give you three thousand for it." "That's all? Your expert said it was worth six thousand." "Yes, but she quoted you a retail price," Cash reasoned. "I don't pay retail, I sell retail." The customer stood silently for a moment and looked at the drawing as he pondered the offer. He looked back at Cash and said, "You're putting me in a real bind. This is my daughter's college education we're talking about." "I know," Cash said, "you're trying to take care of your family and I respect that. But I'm running a business here, not a charity. I can offer you four thousand and that's it. And you and I know RASPA won't make you that kind of offer." "True," he said as he thought over Cash's new offer. Finally he replied, "Well, I suppose I'll take your offer. It'll at least get me started on tuition." "Good deal then," Cash said as they shook hooves. "Let's go write this up." I'm happy to have got my hooves on this piece, Cash said in an on-camera interview. But I can't tell you how many times I've heard somepony's sad story about needing the money for this or that. I'm a father, so believe me, I've been there. The bottom line is I'm not in the business of holding ponies' hooves, I'm in the business of making money. Back in the break room, Big Hoss and Derpy prepared for the next security guard job applicant. Soon a loud knock sounded at the door, which signaled their arrival. "Come on in," Hoss called. The door opened and an immense gray minotaur wearing a skinny black tie stepped into the room. Derpy started trembling in fear at the sight of him and slunk down in her chair. Big Hoss didn't appear to be fazed at all by the applicant's appearance. "And you are?" He asked. "Iron Will's the name, and guarding your stuff's my game!" he declared as he took a seat at the other side of the table. "Or at least it will be once you hire me. I'm looking to pick up a couple months of work before I tour again presenting my motivational seminars." "So you're a motivational speaker?" Hoss asked. "That's cool." "I'm more than that! I'm an empowerment coach!" Iron Will clarified. "I turn meek little ponies into lean, mean, assertive machines!" "And based upon your skills, what do you think qualifies you for this job?" "Two things!" he said as he extended two fingers from a hairy fist. "One, a positive mental attitude!" Hoss nodded and replied, "Well, that's always a good thing to have..." Iron Will cut him off as he continued, "And two, a desire to crush anypony who stands in Iron Will's way!" "Whoa, whoa!" Hoss said as he put a hoof up at Iron Will. "Let me tell you right now that there's no crushing in this job, no crushing necessary." "Fair enough," the minotaur said as he leaned back. "Just putting it out there for when it does become necessary." "We'll see," Hoss said as he made some notes on Iron Will's application. "Let me ask you this: if you were already working for me in the shop and you saw somepony trying to steal something of ours, what would you do?" "Let me refer you to a maxim of mine," he answered. "When somepony tries to steal, let 'em know you're for real!" "Catchy," Hoss replied. "So what does that mean?" "It means I'd get up in their face, like this!" he got up, leaned across the table and put his face just inches away from Derpy's. She trembled even more and whimpered as he continued, "Then I'd say something like, 'hey dirtbag! I saw that! You gonna pay for that or what?!'" "Dude! Back off my associate!" Hoss interjected. Iron Will obeyed and sat back down. Derpy nearly fainted and slumped down in her chair. Hoss continued, "That's not how we handle situations like that here, Will..." "It's Iron Will," he clarified. "Whatever," Hoss said. "The point is we don't address problems with that kind of aggression. What if somepony is already in that bad of a mood while he's talking to me or one of the other brokers? Is that how you'd approach that situation, too?" "Of course not!" he defended. "Anyone with half a brain would know better than that! "Well good, because I was thinking..." "That calls for another one of my catchphrases!" Iron Will cut him off again and recited, "When somepony gets in your face, it's time to put 'em in their place! That's when I march right up to them, grab them by the mane and..." "No!" Hoss cut his words short this time. He shook his head and said, "We don't lay hooves...or those hairy claw things of yours...on other ponies in this store. Not unless somepony is in actual physical danger, which I'll tell you right now isn't likely to happen in this line of work." "What? You're kidding, right?" Iron Will seemed surprised at this information. "I thought this was a security job. Aren't my assertiveness methods effective at keeping your shop secure?" "Assertiveness methods?" Cash asked. "You mean those rhyming slogans of yours are your methods?" "They sure are!" he affirmed. "All the namby-pamby ponies in your town pay good money to hear those slogans! And I'm sharing 'em with you pro-bono!" "So this is stuff you teach to other ponies? And they pay you to teach them how to act like jerks?" "Of course! And they all come with a money-back guarantee!" Iron Will flashed a big, shiny grin and gave a hairy thumbs-up. "Well then," Hoss said as he picked up the quill in his mouth again and made some notes on Iron Will's application, "I think I have all the information I need from you. Any questions you have for us?" "Just one," Iron Will said as he thrust a finger at Derpy, who still trembled in her chair. "When are you gonna get her to one of my seminars? I mean, don't get me wrong, you seem to have your act together. But look at her! That's practically a cry for help right there!" "I'll take that under advisement," Hoss replied. "In the meantime, we'll let you know when we make our decision. But if I could offer you a personal piece of advice: don't quit your day job." "I don't intend to!" Iron Will declared as he stood up. "You all take care now!" "Bye now," Hoss said as Iron Will slammed the door loudly behind him. "S-scary...m-m-monster..." Derpy stammered. "He's not a monster, Derpy, he's a minotaur," Hoss said as he wrote more notes on the application. "And he's not hired." I'm starting to think that what I did last month may have set a bad precedent for these applicants, Hoss said in an on-camera interview. What am I going to tell my dad when I go through all of these interviews and don't find a single applicant qualified enough for the job? There has to be somepony who applied thinking he doesn't have to kick some flank to keep the peace around here... Meanwhile in the showroom, a large brown earth pony with a black mane approached one of the counters where Cash stood. He began to greet the customer, "Hi, welcome to the Silver Saddle Pawn Shop. Can I help..." Suddenly, a small explosion went off and a cloud of black smoke filled the air around Cash and the customer. They coughed on the soot and as the smoke cleared a loud voice was heard: "You will not help that pony, pawnbroker! You now will assist me!" As the smoke cleared, Cash could make out a blue unicorn mare dressed in magician's robes. She wore a matching hat and a sparkly saddlebag. Once Cash recognized her, he groaned, "Oh no..." "That's right," she declared. "The Great and Powerful Trixie demands your attention!" Cash coughed some more and said, "Well, as the great and powerful pawnbroker, I ask that you don't set off smoke bombs in my shop or else!" "Or else what?" She countered. "What in Equestria's goin' on up here?!" Old Money bellowed as he shuffled toward the commotion. "I swear, if it isn't ponies kicking over our counters it's...you again?!" "Oh yes, good to see you again, old-timer...not!" Trixie said. "Wait a minute," Cash said. "Dad, you've done business with her?" "Hardly," Old Money scoffed. "She was here last month trying to pass off a glass ball as some priceless crystal wizard's doohickey. I wouldn't buy anything she puts in front of me." "Hmph, fine then," Trixie huffed. She looked at Cash and continued, "If your father won't do business with Trixie, then perhaps you will be willing to." "Well, it doesn't sound like you gave my dad the best of first impressions last time you came in," Cash said. "Tell you what. I'll give you thirty seconds to interest me in whatever it is you want to sell me. If I'm not interested when your time's up, I want you out. Sound good?" "Fair enough," Trixie answered as she used her magic to slip a dark wooden object out of her bag and onto the counter. With a commanding voice she described the object, "Behold! What you see before your eyes is a relic of a lost age! This wooden totem dates back to prehistoric pony times, when our ancestors roamed the lands in nomadic tribes. It is symbolic of the unicorn race's dominion over all ponykind." "It's a unicorn with three earth ponies bowing before it," Cash said. "It's a decorative art statuette. You have twenty seconds." "This is no ordinary statuette!" Trixie boasted. "It was hoof-carved by an earth pony carpenter, then imbued by a unicorn shaman with a powerful magical aura! It is said that those who pay tribute to the memory of the shaman will be rewarded in all walks of life."   "So essentially," Cash reasoned, "it's a good luck charm."   "A typical attitude from a pony who respects the power of money over the power of magic," Trixie said.   "Do you have anything to prove what exactly this thing is, where it comes from or what it does?" Cash asked. "You have ten seconds."   "As a matter of fact, yes!" the unicorn proclaimed as she magically lifted a large book out of her saddlebag. She laid it upon the counter and opened it to a bookmarked page, upon which was a picture of the artifact as well as passages of text with information about it. "Right there!" Trixie said as she laid a hoof on a text passage.   As Cash read over the information he paraphrased aloud, "It says totems like this were crafted in the far western lands of Equestria for shamens in the first unicorn tribes. This was done to pay respect to the unicorn elder, who with his magical brethren were responsible for pulling the sun through the sky which allowed the earth ponies' crops to grow. When the tribal shamans passed on, they were often entombed with these totems buried with them." He looked up at Trixie and asked, "What are you, a grave robber? Is that where you got this from?" "Certainly not!" she defended. "This has been in Trixie's family for centuries. No good-natured pony would dare defile the graves of our ancestors!" "What do you think, son?" Old Money asked. "Want to escort her out or should I go get Big Hoss?" "No, Dad, hold on," Cash told him before he looked at Trixie and said, "Okay, I'll bite. You've got me interested. Just tell me why you want to sell it and how much you want for it." "Well, as she mentioned to your father before," she explained, "Trixie is planning to tour again soon and needs to secure funding in order to get started. Her efforts up to now have been...less than successful." "You don't say?" Old Money cut in. "Shh," Cash hushed his father. "Ahem," Trixie cleared her throat and continued, "Pieces such as this have been appraised by historians and valued at tens of thousands of bits! Due to Trixie's situation she is willing to part with this one for a sum of only ten thousand bits." "Ten thousand bits, huh?" Cash asked as he rubbed his chin with a hoof, thinking over her offer as he did. "I don't think that's out of the ballpark for something like this, but I prefer that the appraisal comes from one of my historians." "You want to call in Twilight for this one?" Old Money asked him. "She's good with all this unicorn magic-type stuff." "Nah," Cash said. "She was just here, I don't want to bug her again. Besides, I've got a better idea of who I should get for this." He looked at Trixie and asked, "Would you mind waiting a bit while I send for my expert?" "That's fine," she answered before she said firmly, "but try not to keep Trixie waiting." "Good then," he said, "I'll be right back." Cash turned and trotted off toward the back of the shop. Soon he was at the door to the break room. He opened it and found Big Hoss and Derpy looking over the security guard applications. "Hey guys, how are the interviews coming?" Cash asked. "Horribly," Big Hoss replied. "Where did you find these weirdos, anyway?" "They answered the ad, son, I had no control over that," Cash said. "Hey, Derpy?" "Yeah, boss?" "I need you to fly out to the Everfree Forest for me." "Eep!" Derpy jumped out of her chair and fluttered in the air over Big Hoss. "Um, you need me to go there, boss?" "Yeah, is that a problem?" Cash asked. "Oh no, no problem at all!" she said as she shook her head. "Anyplace else you need me to go? Like maybe a dragon's den or a hyrda's lair?" "Come on, Derpy," Cash said, "I just need you to go to Zecora's and tell her I need her for a consult. Besides, you're a pegasus, so you can zip there and back in no time." "It's still a scary place, boss!" Derpy exclaimed. "Tell you what. Let me leave work a half-hour early today and I'll do it." "Fine," Cash conceded, "but just this once. Next time I ask you to go that way, you go no questions asked. Got me?" Derpy gave a guffawed salute and replied, "Aye aye, boss!" She flapped her wings harder and zipped out of the room. Big Hoss looked at Cash and asked, "Hey, why didn't you ask me to go?" "Because you'll take too long," he answered. "What, because I don't have wings?" "No, because you'll just waste time puttering around town!" Cash said. "Now sit tight here in case another applicant comes in." He left the room and closed the door behind him. A short while later, a zebra adorned with golden rings around her neck and one of her forelegs trotted into the shop. She walked toward the counter where Old Money, Cash and Trixie waited for her. "Well, it's about time your expert showed up!" Trixie said in exasperation. "Forgive my customer, Zecora," Cash said, "I'm sure she appreciates you going out of your way for us." "I would have arrived sooner, but my trek from the Everfree was long," Zecora said. "But now I am here and ready to help at your house of pawn." I am Zecora, she said in her on-camera interview, and I've seen many things in my travels both strange and unreal. For that reason I am often here to advise Mr. Cash on many of his deals. Even for knowledgeable ponies like Mr. Cash, their efforts to define these curiosities will fail. That is why, in those rare cases, I'm called to fill in the details. "Really? A zebra?" Trixie asked Cash. "You called in a zebra as your expert?" "Zecora's at least as knowledgeable as you claim to be, and has traveled more than anypony 'round here," Old Money said firmly. "If you want my son to consider buying your totem, then I suggest you hush up and let her look it over." Trixie complied and was silent. Zecora looked over the statuette, turning it over with both hooves to examine every angle of it. Then she read over the textbook Trixie brought in with it. Finally, she finished her evaluation and spoke: "The information here is true as far as I know, for totems like these were once crafted long ago," Zecora said. "The unicorn shamans were considered powerful even in the ancient time, as the magic they did helped all ponykind. This totem shows three earth ponies paying respects as they bow, giving thanks for the sun that warms the fields they plow." "Her book said these statues are usually buried with the ponies who made them," Cash asked, "Why do you think this one wasn't buried?" "It is not uncommon for these totems to be kept with the living rather than the ones who've passed," she explained. "So Trixie isn't the first to keep this kind of item in the family, nor is she the last." "There you have it!" Trixie exclaimed. "My artifact is genuine, and I will start our negotiating at ten thousand bits!" "However," she said, stressing the word, "in regards to this statue, this carving you did bring: what you have here is not the real thing." "Excuse me?" Trixie asked, dumbfounded.   "The wood is too fresh, and the carvings too new," Zecora said, pointing at the imperfections with a hoof. "This statue is not nearly old enough for your story to be true." "You're saying there's no way this could be as old as the textbook says?" Cash asked. "No, because I'll show you what was apparent all along," Zecora said as she turned the statuette over and pointed with a hoof. "The inscription underneath, clearly labeled, 'Made in Hong Prong.'" "What?!" Trixie yelled. "That cannot be! Trixie was sure this was an authentic artifact!" "Looks like you should have double-checked your facts," Zecora said, "for this is just a reproduction, likely sold at a tourist trap." "Well, that's about all I need to know," Cash said as he shook hooves with Zecora. "Thank you again for coming in to check this out." "Of course, anytime," Zecora said before she turned and left the shop. Cash looked at Trixie and said, "You heard my expert. It's not real, so I don't want it." "This is preposterous!" she exclaimed. "Trixie will not be made a fool of in here!" "But you were," Old Money cut in. "Twice." "Those are the breaks," Cash said. "I certainly hope you get your touring money, but it won't be today and it won't be from me." "Whatever," she said indignantly as she magically shoved the book and statuette back into her saddlebag. "Trixie's outta here, losers!" With a flash, a bang and a cloud of black smoke she was gone, leaving Cash and Old Money coughing on the soot once again. When Old Money finally caught his breath, he muttered, "I wish she'd stop doing that." I think I can now say that I've seen and heard it all in this business, Cash said in an on-camera interview. My experts and I have debunked a lot of bogus stuff in here. But to hear it being done in rhyme to Trixie? Now that's priceless! In the break room, Big Hoss and Derpy were sitting at the table with their heads in their front hooves when another knock sounded at the door. In a voice that resonated both boredom and disappointment, Cash said, "Come in."   The door opened, but nopony entered. Hoss and Derpy got puzzled looks on their faces and straightened themselves up in their chairs. Hoss leaned forward over the table to see if somepony was waiting outside of the room. He called out, "Hello?"   Suddenly, the head of a midnight blue pegasus pony popped up right in front of his face. "Whoa!" Hoss said, startled at the sight as he nearly jumped out of his chair.   "Hello," the pony replied in a foreign, smooth-sounding accent. "I am Indigo."   "I'm Big Hoss," he returned, "and you about scared the crabapples outta me."   "Forgive me, that was not my intention," Indigo said as he took a seat on the other side of the table. "I only meant to demonstrate my potential for your job offer."   "Well, okay then," Hoss said as he found Indigo's application in the pile of papers. "That's a good visual demonstration of your abilities. But would you mind just telling me how you feel you are qualified for the security goard position?"   "I am a stealth pegasus," he explained. "I have trained my mind and body to react in the combonation of both speed and silence. I can be here..."   He abruptly stopped talking before he disappeared from the spot he was sitting in. "And up here," he said.   Hoss and Derpy looked around for a second before they looked up. They glimpsed Indigo standing on the ceiling before he disappeared again.   "And here," his voice said behind the pawnbrokers, which made them jump and turn around only to glimpse him again. They faced to the front to see Indigo sitting at the other side of the table once again. "In the blink of an eye," he finished. "Wow," Hoss said. "I've gotta say that I'm impressed. So tell me, how would you use these skills of yours to keep our shop secure?" "With my abilities, I can see everything and remain unseen," Indigo said. "My eyes will be everywhere around the shop, and nopony will even realize they are being watched." "Impressive," Hoss said as he made notes on the application. "Kinda creepy, but impressive. So if your all-seeing eyes see somepony trying to steal something, what would you do?" "I would spring into action!" Indigo exclaimed. "Quick as a flash I'll fly by them, and as I do so, I slip the item from their grasp. Then they leave believing they still hold their ill-gotten gains and you retain your inventory." "Clever," Hoss remarked. "But what if they catch you trying to take it back?" "They won't," Indigo said confidently. "But what if they do?" "They won't," he insisted with narrowed eyes. The room went silent for a moment. Then Hoss said, "Okay then, moving on. That's a good strategy for a shoplifting incident, but let's say that you see a customer getting angry with me or one of my associates. How would you move in and handle that situation?" "Ah, well," Indigo began to speak. But then he stopped and appeared to ponder the question for a moment. After several seconds, he spoke again, "Clearly I would have to, er, move in on them and...uh, that is, I'd place myself between them and..." Hoss gave him another moment to attempt at composing an answer. Then he said, "Hey, if you don't know, that's okay. Nopony has the right answer all the time." Indigo sighed. "Forgive me, Hoss," he said. "I will admit that while I am an expert at remaining in the periphery, actual confrontation is a difficult task for me. I'm afraid I do not know the right answer to your question." "I admire your candor, Indigo, and I admit your stealth skills would be a great asset to us," Hoss said as he made more notes. "But being up-front with other ponies is an important part of the job, too, just to let you know." "Of course," Indigo said. "Believe me, I will make any effort to serve you better in that capacity." "Oh, I'm sure you will," Hoss said. "You seem very dedicated about your personal skills. Tell you what. Let's give you some time to work on that, and us some time to evaluate our other applicants. Then we'll talk again later on. Sound good?" "That sounds fine to me," Indigo answered. "So, do you have any questions for us?" "I have a couple for her," he said as he looked at Derpy. He leaned in close to her, smiled and said, "I do not believe I heard your name. What is it and what are you doing after your shift?" Derpy smiled, blushed and giggled a little. "Oh my," she said, "aren't you the  charming pegasus? I'm Derpy, and as a matter of fact..." "Hey, Indigo!" Hoss interrupted Derpy and continued, "What's with the suave attitude all of a sudden? I thought you weren't good with confrontations." "Some confrontations, yes," he admitted. "But this kind is perfectly natural to me." Indigo leaned in closer to Derpy, smiled again and said, "So, pretty mare, you were saying?" Hoss got up, went around the table and started pushing Indigo out of the room. "Sorry, she's on the clock, can't talk now!" he pushed him outside the door and quickly said, "We'll let you know about the job, bye now!" Hoss slammed the door shut. Derpy was still smiling when she said, "Oh, I like him." "Sorry, Derpy," Hoss said as he walked back around the table and sat next to her. "Although he is the first applicant who didn't want to bash somepony's head in, I still don't think he's right for the job. They just keep getting weirder and weirder. What's next?" Just then they heard some muffled yelling and the beating of hooves from behind the door. After a moment everything was silent. Then a soft knock sounded at the door. "I had to ask, didn't I?" Hoss said to himself before he called, "Come in." The door creaked open a little and a yellow pony with a pink mane poked her head in. She spoke meekly, "Um, I'm sorry, but is this the place for the security job interviews?" "Fluttershy?" Hoss asked, surprised. "Yes, it is. But, honestly, I didn't expect to see you here, of all ponies. In fact," he said as he checked the applications, "there's only one applicant in my stack I haven't seen yet, and that's a guy named, 'Ted.' I don't think you're Ted." "Oh no, Hoss, of course not," Fluttershy said. She laughed a little before she opened the door all the way open to reveal a huge brown bear standing behind her. "He's Ted." Derpy jumped out of her chair and hid behind Hoss, who asked, "Um, why did you bring a bear in here?" "He's the job applicant," Fluttershy explained as the hulking bear grumbled a little and scratched himself. "I heard about your dad's search for a security guard and I wanted to help out. Then I thought, what could be more protective and perfect for the job than a bear? So I filled out his application for him." "Fluttershy, I hate to break it to you," Hoss said, "but a bear can't work here." "Oh, but he's not dangerous!" she defended the giant furball as she nuzzled her head against him. "He's the sweetest, nicest bear you could ever meet!" "Maybe so," Hoss reasoned, "but I still can't hire him for a couple reasons. Firstly, as nice as he might seem to you, didn't he scare off everypony in the showroom when you brought him in?" "Oh, but that was just for a minute!" she said. "You realize Derpy's still hiding behind me, right?" He said as he continued, "And second, even if everypony was okay with him working here, Ted's technically your pet. I can't legally pay a pet to work for me." "Oh," she said as she lowered her head in dismay. "I see." "I appreciate the thought, Fluttershy," he said. "But it's not going to work out. Believe me, I wish it would because I've seen some weird applicants come in today. I even had to interview a minotaur today." Fluttershy perked up at his words and smiled. "Really?" She asked. "Iron Will's in town? Oh, I'm going to have to find him and say hello! Come on, Ted, let's go. See you later, Hoss!" "Good seeing you again, Fluttershy," he said, then he quickly added, "You guys can use the back door to leave, okay?" "Okay then, bye bye!" she called back as she closed the door. Hoss slammed his face down upon the tabletop. "Ugh," he groaned, "Derpy, my dad does not pay us enough to do this job." "Speak for yourself, boss Hoss," Derpy said as she came back out from behind his chair, sat back in hers and rearranged the applications. "I get before and after-school care for Dinky Doo as long as I'm working here, plus two personal days a month." "What?! He exclaimed as he picked his head back up. "I don't get any personal days. You get all that and you're leaving early today? How come I don't get any of that?" Derpy shrugged and said, "Because you're the boss, boss Hoss?" He sighed and said, "Whatever. Right now we've got bigger apples to buck. We've got three applicants - four counting the bear - and none of them come close to being qualified for the job. Let's compare notes." "Sure thing, here you go!" Derpy said as they showed each other their notes. Hoss looked over her paper and got a puzzled look on his face. "Um, Derpy,"  he said, "I don't see any notes here. All you have next to their names are circles and muffins." "Those are bubbles," Derpy clarified. "I rated them on the bubbles-to-muffins ratio." "What does that mean?" "Simple! I marked a bubble when I learned something about them I didn't like and a muffin when I learned something good." A moment later she furrowed her brow and said, "Uh, or maybe the muffins meant the cons and the bubbles meant the pros..." "Well, which is it?" "No no, I got it now!" she exclaimed. "The muffins are definitely the good things because, well, muffins are delicious! And the bubbles mean the bad things because bubbles pop, and when bubbles pop it bums me out." "All right. Now that we have your notes sorted out," Hoss said as he looked at the jumbled mess of circles and muffin doodles all over the page. He stared at them for a moment before he shook his head and said, "Forget it. Your notes mean nothing to me." "Hey now, don't criticize the muffins-and-bubbles system!" she said as she swiped her notes back. This is hopeless, Hoss said in another on-camera interview. If these applicants are the best Ponyville has to offer for the job, then we're in trouble. I might as well fill in for it myself because I honestly don't know what else to do. As Hoss and Derpy were mulling over their situation, a white unicorn mare was pushing a large wheeled box through the shop's showroom. She sported sunglasses, a neon-blue mane and musical notes on her flank. The mare turned a corner around the display counters and pushed the box up to the counter where Cash greeted her. "Hey, Vinyl," he said. "Sup?" She greeted back as she brought the box to a stop. Vinyl Scratch is one of my best experts, Cash said in an on-camera interview. She normally comes in when I ask her to help authenticate stuff like rare records or record players that the customers bring in. But today it looks like she's the customer, so I can only imagine why she's here. "So what've we got here?" Cash asked. "Check it out," Vinyl said as she tapped a button on top of the box. The front panel opened out to reveal an array of speakers, each with a glowing circular rim around them. An electric hum emanated from the device as she continued, "It's my very own, custom-built, one-of-a-kind bass cannon!" "Nice!" Cash said, clearly impressed with her machine. "But why'd you bring it in? Are you selling it?" "Unfortunately, I am," she said. "I'm building my Mark II bass cannon and I need the money to finish it. The components inside these beasts don't come cheap, you know?" "I can believe it," he said as he looked over the device. "How much did you want to get for it?" "Well, I put about a thousand bits into building this one," she said, "so I'd like to get at least that much out of it." Cash walked around the box and looked at it from every angle. "You know what, Vinyl? I think I'd be interested in buying your cannon..." "Bass cannon," she clarified. "Right," Cash said. "I'd be interested in buying it if I knew how to sell it right. I mean, just about everypony loves listening to music, right? And that's essentially what your bass cannon does, it plays music." "Oh no, my good sir," Vinyl said. "A record player plays music. This baby stages a sonic assault against the ears!" "Well, be that as it may, I have to figure out how I can sell this to somepony who wants to play their music as loud and intense as you do. You know what I mean?" "Well, of course," Vinyl said as she powered down the unit. She put her forelegs on top of the box and casually leaned against it. "That might be a little difficult seeing as how I'm the only DJ around these parts." "So the idea of selling this to another DJ is out," Cash reasoned. "But this could maybe be sold to somepony else in the entertainment business. Like maybe a party planner or..." "Did somepony say party?!" a pink pony exclaimed as she popped into view from behind the bass cannon. She tossed a hooffull of confetti in the air and blew a loud party favor. Her sudden appearance made Vinyl jump and drop her sunglasses. "What they hay?!" Cash exclaimed. "Pinkie Pie, how long have you been there?" "Oh, just long enough to know that my partner in partying here was selling her bass cannon so she can build herself a bigger one!" Pinkie nudged Vinyl playfully as she put her shades back on. "Aw, Pink, you're such a trip," she said as she grinned at her friend. Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! she said as she bounced happily for the camera during her interview. I'm the local party planner around here, except I don't plan the parties as much as I make the excitement happen! Oh, I know! You cameraponies should totally come to the party I'm throwing next week! Are you guys gonna be busy here then? Huh? Huh? "I was in here making my layaway payment when I saw you guys and decided to say hello," she said. "Hello!" "Well, I'm glad you're here, Pinkie," Cash said. "Maybe you can tell me if I should buy Vinyl's bass cannon here." "Well, why wouldn't you, Cashie?" She asked. "I mean, everypony could use a sound system like this! How loud does this thing get, Scratch?" "Well, I don't want to brag," Vinyl said, "but when I've got this thing fully charged up I can blow the roof off! Like, literally, I've blown somepony's roof off with this thing. Heck of a contracting bill, but it was totally worth it." "Wow," Cash breathed. "That's pretty loud. Now when you said 'charged up' earlier, what did you mean?" "This thing runs off of unicorn magic," Vinyl explained. "I have to focus my energy and feed this beast before I release it." "Unicorn magic, huh?" Cash said. "Now that could be a bit of a issue when I sell it. If I buy this, I can't just sell it to just anypony. It has to be a unicorn or somepony with access to unicorn magic." "So what're you saying, dude?" Vinyl asked. "I'm saying I might not be able to buy it for nearly the price you offered because of the magic issue," Cash said. "But its awesome power could be a huge selling point for you," Vinyl countered. "It could totally outweigh the minor inconvenience." "Yeah, Cashie!" Pinkie agreed. "Have you been to one of Scratch's raves? She can keep the party going for hours and hours with this thing!" "I honestly haven't," Cash said. "So right now I don't really know how well this thing performs." "Well, there's only one way to find out," Pinkie said as she tapped a hoof against the box. "We've got to fire it up and test it out!" "Are you serious, Pinkie?" Cash asked. "Like, right here in the store? I don't think that's such a good idea." "Yeah, Pink," Vinyl agreed. "My bass cannon has some serious sonic power. Even on the low setting it could break all the glass stuff in here." "Let's take it outside, then!" Pinkie suggested. "We should be able to test it out there without breaking anything in here, right?" Cash rubbed his chin with a front hoof and said, "I suppose that could work. What do you think, Vinyl?" She shrugged and replied, "I don't see why not." "Awesome!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Let's do this!" Awhile later the three of them were outside behind the shop. Vinyl had just used her magic to charge up the bass cannon, put some earplugs in her ears for safety and she gave a set to Cash. "Here's some plugs for you, Pink," she offered. "Oh, I'm good, thanks!" Pinkie pulled a helmet out of nowhere and slipped it on her head. "So how powerful is this thing?" Cash asked as he put his earplugs in. "See my mane?" Vinyl said, "It used to be curly like Pinkie's before I stood in front of this thing and played it full-blast!" everypony laughed before she continued, "But seriously, Cash, this beast can unleash some massive bass power when I turn it up to eleven!" "Eleven? Is that even possible?" He asked. "It is on my system!" Vinyl answered. "Now we'll just do a ten-second sound test. That way we won't freak out your customers, or start ourselves a block party outside your store!" "But Cashie, you know what? You should have a party in your store!" Pinkie exclaimed. "We could have a whole antiques and money theme! I'll keep that in mind for later." "I'll keep the volume on the low end, too," Vinyl remarked, "'cause we don't want to hurt those aged ears of yours, Cash, right?" "What's that now?" Cash asked incredulously. "I'll let you both know that I was partying hard back when you girls were still fillies! Vinyl, crank it up as much as you want." As he said that his left earplug popped out and fell on the ground. He muttered, "Whoops, hold up..." "Yeah!" Pinkie exclaimed as she planted herself in front of the bass cannon and put a front hoof in the air. She yelled, "Let's light this candle, Scratch!" "Awwyeah!" Vinyl said as she brought her hoof down on the engage switch. "What? No, wait!" Cash yelled as he tried to stop her, but he was too late. The DJ mashed the button, which opened the bass cannon array and let out a huge torrent of light and sound. Inside the shop, Hoss and Derpy felt the rumble of Vinyl's bass cannon as it shook everything in the break room. Hoss steadied himself as he said, "What the hay is that?" He looked over at Derpy as if he was expecting her to give an explenation.   Instead she replied, "Well, don't look at me, boss Hoss! I'm not doing anything!" Ten seconds later, it was all over. Outside the shop, the light from the cannon faded away as Vinyl pressed some buttons on the control panel and closed the array. Cash, still with only one earplug in, just stared at Vinyl for a moment. Finally, he said, "So, we know how well it works now. I just wished you would have waited until I had both earplugs in!" "Whoa, sorry dude," Vinyl said as she popped hers out. "You okay?" "I think so, at least in my right ear," Cash said. "My left ear's ringing like crazy, though. Hey Pinkie, are you..." His voice trailed off as he saw the pink pony in front of the bass cannon. Her eyes were popped wide open and her clenched teeth were showing. The helmet she had wasn't on her head anymore, and her mane was pulled straight back like Vinyl's. She blinked once, twice, then shook her head about. Her mane recoiled back into shape. "That...was...awesome! she yelled excitedly. "You've got real power in that bass cannon of yours, Vinyl! I've never heard anything louder than that! Hey, have you guys seen my helmet?!" "Um, Pink?" Vinyl asked. "Are you okay?" "What? Scratch, I can't hear you over all that ringing!" she kept yelling, "Can you speak up?! Can anypony else hear that ringing?!" "Will she be okay?" Cash asked Vinyl. "Aw, sure," Vinyl replied. "I can remember the first time my ears rang like that. Best day ever." "Hey, Pinkie!" Cash said loudly. "Can you hear me?!" Pinkie stared at Cash for a moment before she answered, "Seriously, can somepony turn off the ringing?! Is it coming from the bass cannon, Scratch?! Because if it is, I think it's broken!" Cash turned to Vinyl and said, "I'll be right back." He turned to go into the shop, but before he did he stopped and stared at the windows. The force of the bass cannon had blown out every one of them. "Aw, great," he muttered. "Whoops!" Vinyl said as she saw the windows. "I can spot you for those, Cash, sorry." "Don't worry about it," he told her, "I have a tab going at the glassmaker's. Anyhow, I'll be back." He went into the store and returned with a quill and pad of paper. He wrote on the paper, Pinkie, the bass cannon made you go deaf but Vinyl says you'll be okay. Can you tell me how much it's worth and if I should buy it from her? Cash showed Pinkie the note, which she read and replied, "Oh, that makes sense now! Okay, so obviously the bass cannon's powerful and everything, which is good for ponies who like to play it loud! But the fact that it runs on unicorn magic really limits your market! I personally wouldn't pay more that five hundred bits for it because I'd need to be a unicorn to power it! Makes sense, right?! Cash wrote on another sheet of paper, Yes, that does make sense. Thanks for helping us with this. Sit tight and I'll help you get back to Sugarcube Corner. He handed her the note. Pinkie read it and said, "Oh, don't worry about it, Cashie! I can get back just fine! I'll just take a personal day and sleep this off!" she looked at Vinyl and said, "Hey, Vinyl, I gotta go! Thanks for the demo!" Vinyl waved goodbye as Pinkie trotted off. She looked at Cash and said, "Well, I'm pretty sure you won't give me five hundred for it like Pinkie said, right?" Cash shook his head. "Nope. I was thinking I'd offer you two-fifty." Vinyl sighed. "See now, that's not gonna work for me," she said. After pausing to think about for a moment, she continued, "You know what? Maybe I don't need the money for it." "You don't think so?" Cash asked. "Nah, I got another idea," she said as she tapped the box with a hoof. "This baby's still got lots of oomph in it. Maybe I'll take it and what I'm building right now and put them together! Awwyeah, a double-stack bass cannon! Best idea ever!" Cash shrugged and said, "Alright, then. Sorry we couldn't do business today." They both shook hooves as he continued, "Thanks for bringing it in, and for killing half of my hearing, I guess." "Anytime, Cash!" Vinyl said as she got behind the bass cannon and started pushing it away. "Take 'er easy!" Like I said, Vinyl's a great expert, Cash said in an on-camera interview. But if she brings in another one of her bass cannons to sell, then I'm going to have to politely refuse the sale on behalf of my ears. In any case, it was just too magic-specific for me to sell in the store. Hey, I wonder of the bass cannon woke my dad up from his nap... Cash walked back into the store. As he did, Big Hoss approached him and said, "Hey, I've been looking for you." "Huh?" Cash asked as he turned his right ear toward Hoss. "I said I was looking for you," he repeated. "You okay, Pops?" "Oh, you were looking for me," Cash said. "Yeah, I'm okay, just kinda deaf in my left ear right now. Vinyl Scratch was here earlier and we had a bit of a mishap with the bass cannon she brought in." "That's what that was?" Hoss asked. "It nearly brought the shop crashing down!" "Did it wake up your grandpa?" "Nah, he's still snoring away back there." "Figures," Cash said. "So how'd the interviews go? Who's our new security guard?" "At this rate," Hoss replied, "I'll be the new security guard. I can't hire anyone who came in today." "What?" Cash asked, surprised. "Why not?" "Because none of them are qualified!" Hoss exclaimed. "Did you even check out their applications first?" "Of course I did, son," Cash defended. "They all looked like good candidates to me." "Yeah, on paper!" Hoss shot back. "You know who I had to deal with today? A muscle-head, a minotaur and a 'stealth pegasus' who seemed more concerned with hitting on Derpy than actually working here. None of them even came close to what we need in a security guard." "Wait, didn't I give you four applications?" "Oh, don't even get me started on the bear!" Hoss exclaimed. "Bear? What bear? "Don't yank my crank, Dad," he said. "Did you let Fluttershy bring that bear of hers into the shop? Was that one some kind of a joke?" "I didn't see any bear, I must've been in the back room then," Cash said as he smiled a little. "But if that was a joke, it sounded pretty funny to me." "Oh, come on, Dad!" Hoss became exasperated. "We're trying to fill a job position here! We've got to..." "Excuse me!" a raised voice caught the attention of the two pawnbrokers, who stopped their conversation to look where it came from. A large brown earth stallion with a black mane stood in front of a smaller orange earth stallion and blocked his way out of the store. "Excuse me," the brown pony repeated, "but I saw what you did back." "Saw what?" The orange pony asked. "The chisel you slipped into your saddlebag with the hammer you bought," Brown said. "Last time I checked the store didn't have a buy-hammer-get-chisel promotion. Or a one-hoof discount." "You didn't see anything," Orange countered. "Besides, why're you even calling me out? You don't work here." "You wanna know why?" Brown challenged, "We can talk about it outside." Cash then walked up to the two of them and asked, "Do we have a problem here?" Brown looked at Cash and said, "Sir, this customer was about to walk out of here with a tool he didn't pay for." "Is that right?" Cash asked Brown before he looked at Orange and requested, "Would you mind taking off your bag for a moment?" Reluctantly, Orange slipped his saddlebag off. Cash picked it up with his front hooves, opened the flaps and began shaking it out. A hammer fell out along with a couple of books and sheets of paper. "I paid for that hammer," he said. A second later a chisel with a price tag still attached also fell out. "That too?" Cash asked. "Uh..." Orange stammered, "Well..." Cash tossed his bag back at him. He scooped up the chisel and gave it to Hoss, who walked away with it. Cash told Orange, "Get out of my shop. I don't want to see you in here again, got me?" Orange nodded as he hastily scooped up his stuff, slipped his bag on again and trotted quickly out of the shop. Cash looked at the brown pony and said, "Thanks for speaking up back there." "No problem," he replied. "Weren't you in here earlier?" Cash asked. "Right before Trixie showed up?" "Yeah, that was me," he said. "I wanted to ask you about the security guard position. Is it still available?" "Sure is," Cash said. "What's your name?" "Antonio Tufftail," he replied. "Everypony calls me Tony." "I'm Cash," he said as they shook hooves. "When can you start?" "When can I start?" Tony repeated. "You mean, start working here? Don't you need to interview me first or something?" "Well, let's just consider that incident you handled earlier your interview," Cash said. "You seem pretty qualified for the job, so it's yours if you want it." Tony nodded and said, "Alright! I can start tomorrow." "Good deal, then," Cash said as Big Hoss walked back up to them. He motioned to Hoss and said, "This is my son, Big Hoss. He'll show you the ropes tomorrow." "What?" Hoss asked, confused. "What ropes? What're you talking about?" "Hoss, this is Tony," Cash said. "He's our new security pony. You'll be training him up tomorrow." "Uh, okay," Hoss said, unsure of what just happened. He shook Tony's hoof and said, "Welcome to the team, I guess." "Thanks," Tony replied. "I'll be here first thing tomorrow. Well, I gotta get going. See you all later." "See you tomorrow," Cash called after Tony as he left. He looked at Hoss and said, "Now that's how you hire somepony." "Dad, what just happened?" Hoss was dumbfounded. "I leave for a minute to put a chisel away and you hire somepony just like that?" "Just like that," Cash repeated. "See, it isn't that hard." "But Dad, I...I spent the whole day...and you just," he tried to get the words out, but couldn't. He sighed. "Never mind. I'm just glad we've got that taken care of." "Me too, son," Cash said as they started walking toward the back office. As Hoss walked with him, he noticed he was on his father's right side. "Hey Dad," he said, "I noticed when I put that chisel back that our tool inventory is looking kind of disorganized. I should probably go and straighten it up." "Okay, go ahead," Cash replied. Hoss then cantered behind him, moved over to his left side and continued speaking, "Oh, and while I'm at it, I should probably go ahead and take the rest of the day off. Don't you think?" "Huh?" Cash said. "Uh, sure. Like I said, go on." "Thanks, Dad!" he said as he quickly galloped out the door.