A few years ago, back when he still considered himself a contributing member of society, attempting to improve his world's quality of life and those who inhabited it, a simple stroll was all it took to satisfy Louis. Step-by-step down the streets, likely hand-in-hand with someone who shared similar affections. Somehow, they’d found his attitude more alluring than the discounted appliances perched in the dusty windows. Things that would actually be beneficial to their lives and probably wouldn’t let them down as quickly, all for an affordable price.
Yet even with these devilishly good deals, they’d rather spend significant chunks of their days with him as time whittled away, continuing along with its own agenda of terror. Horrors by the hour, murders by the minute, screams by the second. Those companions acted as blinders, closing off the world and keeping him focused only on what mattered most. However, those blinders ran the risk of getting T-boned by reality, rolling over and over as he was ripped out of the cockpit, tumbling into terminal trauma.
At least it gave him a reason to have lived somewhere named Cripple Creek.
The sky had reflected this scenario, having turned to many shades of blue and purple as the light slowly faded away over the horizon, soon giving away to cold night. Before that could freeze them over, a kindling was warming between quadruple quadrupeds.
“There you are!” Starlight exclaimed, her voice mixed with annoyance and relief, “What took you so long? We’ve been walking around for who knows how long!”
Twilight trotted forward, her less than enthusiastic baggage alongside, “Aww, it’s this late already?” She sheepishly looked to the sky for confirmation, “I’m sorry girls, we got so wrapped up in the tour, we lost track of time.”
Ambrose winced internally at his designation, “At least it allowed us to see more of town. What about you, Vanilla? How’s Ponyville treating you?”
The stallion’s head hung low from fatigue and frustration, his voice carrying the same feelings, “Ooooh, it’s greeeeat…just-wonderful maaaaan…” He blew the mane from his face, revealing a pair of burned-out tired eyes, “Never thought Ponyville could haaave such a RICH…history…” Wobbling back and forth, mental state wavering, “In fact, you know that one of the founding families was called the RICH’S? Ha-Ha! I didn’t know that! Or how this town really came into its own after selling these rainbow apples from funky trees as Zap Apple Jam? Rainbow Apples! Can you believe THAT, BECAUSE I CAN NOW! And they have all these events in town…with festivals! And fairs! And festivals with fairs and fairs with festivals about those fairs! So many details, so many facts!” Louis began to mumble to himself in a crazed daze.
“Twilight!” Starlight chastised, “You promised me you wouldn’t go too in-depth about every place!”
“I didn’t!” Twilight zapped a scroll into view, rolling out to around 30 inches, “I made sure to go over only the most vital information needed when moving here…” The scroll then unraveled further to around 30 feet, “…Aaand sprinkled in a few fun facts along the way.”
“Spike once counted that Sweet Apple Acres had twenty-four million, five hundred sixty-seven thousand, eight hundred thirty-seven blades of grass!”
Twilight found herself in the shadow of Ambrose’s steely glare, standing tall above her, “Fix him…now.” He growled.
Her horn immediately lit up, casting an aura around Louis’s head, and calming his convulsions. He heaved, exhaling the expository infection, “Ugh, you ever heard about pulling punches, Twilight?” He rubbed his head, “Guess I should’ve expected that from a politician. A whole lotta talk about a whole lotta nothing.”
“Hey! Most of what I said actually mattered-“
“Enough,” Starlight cut them off, motioning forward, “Ending of the tour. Last stop, remember?”
Twilight gave Louis a nervous smile, to which he quickly scurried to Ambrose’s side, feeling a sense of security by his size. Very…reassuring.
“Yeah, man, I could definitely go for some sweets after today, uh-where is this Sugartits-“
“Sugarcube,” Ambrose whispered.
“-Sugarcube Corner, then?” Looking around exaggeratedly, spotting a bright sugary looking building in town.
“Yeah, we’re gonna let you figure that one out.” Starlight snickered as they made their way over.
The sight of this place alone was enough to make their teeth hurt, on the brink of breaking off their skulls and bubbling over their brains. Every inch of the outside glistened, from a roof of gingerbread to spiraling stalagmites of red and white. Every corner of the inside was covered in candy, cakes, and cavity-creators: a toddler’s daydream, a dentist’s worst nightmare. And the smell was of a sweet, oppressive scent.
The group was now before a glass counter, encasing a large assortment of edible wares. Geez, this place seemed to offer nearly every flavor they could think of. Gotta admit, they were a little impressed.
Apparently not to anyone else, as the place was barren, most likely near-
“-Closing time, we’re probably the last ones for the day.” Starlight said, looking over the counter, “Give it a ring. She’s probably in the back.”
Twilight tapped the bell, the high pitch chime ringing out.
“Juuuuust a minute!” Cried a cheerful chirp from the walls.
This gave Twilight an idea, “Say, why don’t you two find somewhere to sit while we order a nice surprise for you.”
Louis looked over to the corner, “There’s like…one table here, Twilight.”
“Exactly! So you two go and…uh, discuss your days together. Compare what you saw while walking around. We shouldn’t be too long.”
Louis’s face heated up. He knew what she was implying with a chit-chat over candy, “Yeah, sure. C’mon Mellow.” How the hell was he going to explain this situation? Maybe wait till later, when it was just the two of them.
Ambrose looked to Starlight, who gave him an encouraging smile, “A-Alright then, catch you girls in a minute.” How the hell was he going to explain this situation? Maybe wait till later, when it was just the two of them.
They sat and scooted away from earshot as much as possible, subtly dropping their not-so-stellar acts.
“You alright, Lou?” Ambrose looked him up and down, concerningly, “She didn’t hurt you or anything, did she?”
Louis shook his head, “No-no, nothing like that, man, she was cool. But damn does she have a lot of nonsense floating in her head.” Ambrose's body relax, yet Louis shivered, “Ugh, I really need a jay after this…unwind my nerves. Feels like my brain’s been ripped apart by rainbows n' shit.”
“Oh…speaking of…rainbows, I was introduced-sorry, reintroduced to an old acquaintance of mine.” Ambrose said, attempting to twiddle his hooves.
“The hell’s that supposed to mean?”
Ambrose cleared his throat, “Well…Starlight and I were walking down a trail through the countryside, and she just showed up out of nowhere. Started spouting off about all these things we did in someplace called Cloudsdale.” Ambrose had the mental image of a city made entirely of clouds. How would that even work? “A rainbow pegasus named Rainbow Dash…shocker.”
“Right?” Louis piped up, “That’s like a running theme around here. Apples, Pears, Cakes? Why the fuck is everypony named after what they do? Is it a requirement to get a job here or something?” Ambrose gave him a funny look, “…everybody, sorry.”
A commotion from the counter caused the two of them to look over.
“Hi-ya girls! It’s great to see you!” The pony behind the counter said excitedly, literally bouncing in place. One look at those wide ecstatic eyeballs told them she had one too many shots of espresso…or shots to the arm.
“Hey there Pinkie! You have time to spare for one more order?” Twilight asked, motioning her to lean in. And yeah, the name Pinkie pretty much summed up how this pony looked.
“Ooooo, absolutely! Whaddya have in mind?” Pinkie came in close, as all 3 began whispering amongst themselves. The two watched from the table, suspicious about what was discussed, most likely them as the main subject.
“Boy, she's pretty energetic, even at this hour.” Ambrose said. It was the only thing he could make out for now, and he wasn’t exactly keen on jumpstarting any more old relations.
“Yeah…a princess and her jester, how sweet.” Louis grumbled. He heard a few giggles from the group, a few times eyes would gaze their way before ducking back into the huddle.
“Maybe, but I wouldn’t be that rude, Lou.”
“Whatever man, won’t matter after today. Just get this day done and hightail it out of here.” Louis twirled his hair in his hooves, “And that Rainbow chick was just mistaken Amby, don’t worry about it too much.”
Ambrose’s face warped with worry, “Umm…that’s gonna be kinda hard, considering she wasn’t completely off about me…or you.”
Louis’s eyes widened, “Excuse me?”
“Hey!” The ‘Light’s were by the table, smiling as usual when wanting to be friendly, “Hope we’re not interrupting anything?” Starlight giggled.
The two looked at each other before shaking their heads, “Hmm, well just so you know, those surprises we ordered are on their way.” Twilight said, pulling up a chair.
“Oh yeah, that’s cool, man. Really far out, absolutely stellar.” Louis said with hints of sarcasm, none of which were pinged by Twilight.
“Uh-huh, if you thought my cooking was amazing, what Pinkie’s capable of will absolutely blow you away.” Twilight said, her tone carrying a sense of experience.
“Yes, but we already know that.” Starlight nudged Twilight, “Why don’t we discuss something we don’t, like you two. What did you think of town?”
Louis felt like he was continually being interrogated, his thoughts on this or where he was on this day to this hour. It was all grating. “Yeah, all pretty…rural, but it’s got those rustic charms that uh-ponies bolt on when talking about country bumpkins.” He said with a lazy smile. Twilight looked slightly confused, but still smiled all the same.
“And the mountainsides are incredible! All of those wonderful colors the town resonates, I can’t wait to take a flight around and soak it all in.” Ambrose said, emphasizing his points with wings. He might’ve been selling that one just a little too much. While the idea of flying sounded neat, the fact he'd be doing it himself was a little daunting.
“And it seems you won’t be doing that alone either.” Starlight added.
Twilight gasped, her eyes lighting up, “Really? You’ve already made friends with somepony, who?”
Starlight answered for him, “Miss Mellow here happens to know a very loyal friend of ours.”
“You know Rainbow Dash?” She exclaimed, her curiosity turning to full-blown attention, putting Ambrose in the spotlight.
Really, we’re going over all of this again? Ambrose groaned internally. To which he did, recapping what was opened up to him by Rainbow Dash, making Twilight very excited; saying herself the occasional sightseeing of Ponyville was stunning. Lucky for Louis, he never came across any ponies with mushed memories, so he didn’t have to bank on a made-up backstory…unless the yearning act fell under that category. But he could handle that, surely. If today could somehow end semi-normal, along with satisfying his sweet tooth, everything could remain barely under control. Just as life usually turned out to be, barely under control.
“Oh Twil-y!” Pinkie shouted, tossing the treats onto the counter, “Your cakey goodness is now cleared for consumption!” Accompanying it with a blast of confetti.
“Thanks again, Pinkie.” Twilight said, going to collect. The two exchanged a few words as Pinkie bounced back to…whatever it is she was doing in the back, “She’ll be joining us in a little while, I bet she’s very excited to meet you.”
“And you’re sure of this how?” Louis asked jokingly, as it seemed Pinkie could be excited just by the concept of breathing.
Twilight’s muzzle scrunched, “Well, let’s just say Pinkie has a certain…sense for that sort of thing…”
Bad omen, he immediately thought.
“…But I wouldn’t worry about it, trust me. Now, these are for us…” Twilight gave Starlight and herself two normal looking cupcakes, both of chocolate with icing similar to their color schemes.
“…And these are for you.”
And had passed them the more…eccentric cupcakes, to put it lightly.
In front of Louis was a colossal cupcake, cooked with caramel and whipped with buttercream, wrapping around itself into a sugary spiral. The summit of this small mountain had been through a series of recent showers. Golden showers he would’ve put it, if he were anymore juvenile than he already was, but luckily managed to hold his tongue…
…Golden sleet more likely, as sprinklings of salt were spread out amongst the drizzle. And following the rules everything else in this world followed, the pastry's proportions were cartoonishly fluffy…and shiny…and appetizing. Louis had to sneakily scratch away a string of saliva slowly sliming from his mouth as his manners slipped from his mind.
Ambrose found himself in a similar scenario as his sweet swirled around into a sea of succulent marble, chunks of chocolate in tandem with twists of vanilla. The icing matched the motif, as the creamy coat was drenched in a dark brown downpour, with even some sprinkles thrown in for good measure. And the smell was absolutely alluring; oh, he just wanted to pounce on it and gorge! Curious, he looked over to Louis’s cupcake, and-
“Oh, uh…doesn’t that look…mellow-y?” He muttered, looking over the golden colors.
Louis caught a glimpse of Ambrose’s food. One look at the colors, more notable the patterns, made him understand Ambrose’s tone, “I can see yours has a very err-fudgy theme about it, huh.” He swiveled his own plate around, “But I gotta say, man, the culinary craftsmanship on display here is solid, pure rock.”
“Yeah! The icing looks like it was sheared straight from your fur, the colors are a near-perfect copy.” Ambrose held the cupcake up at eye level, comparing his companion.
Louis shrugged, “Eh, just splatter some chocolate on a cream backdrop, and you’ll have it. Too simple not to screw up. A simple style from a simple stallion.”
“Might even say your simple minded too, hmm?” Ambrose quipped, a smirk finding its way to his lips. Even with the weirdness of the situation, he walked himself into that one.
“You say that like it’s a negative…” Louis retorted, “…that simple mindedness got you a free cupcake, didn’t it?” He held up his own, looking it over once more, “It got mine far more intrinsic care put into it, the caramels been drizzled to look like your flank, and all of those fiery feathers.”
“Ooo, well that’s pretty neat-hang on, are you trying to say I got a fluffy flank?” Ambrose asked, looking to the perceived plump phoenixes on his sides.
“Hey now, you said it, not me, man.” Ambrose’s face reddened, “Aww c’mon, I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who’re grateful when you happen to fly by…” Louis joked with a bold brow, “…maybe even a few mares.”
“I’m don’t put myself on display for everypony, Vanilla!” Ambrose chuckled, “And it’s not caramel, it’s car-mul, I keep telling you this, dummy.”
“Because you’re wrong, it’s car-a-mel, simple as that.”
Ambrose smirked again, “And like I said before, simple minded.”
“You’re the one whose mind is simple, man! It’s not car-mul, caramel! It literally has an A in the middle!”
“…You’re insane, Vanilla.”
Louis tugged at his mane, “Me? I’m the insane one? It’s there, pronounce it!”
“Nope.”
“Say it.”
“Uh-uh.”
“Do it.”
“I will, as soon as you take back what you said about my fat flank.” Ambrose said, pointing his muzzle high.
“Well, I’M not the one who said such things, you did. And I believe the word used was actually fluffy, Mellow, different connotations…”
“…Same implications.”
“Maybe for a simple mind to conclude.”
“How about you simply mind your own business?”
“How about you simply kiss my-“
“Ahem!” They looked over, the mares having long finished their feast, “Can we simply move along, please? You haven’t even touched your cupcakes yet.” Starlight said. Twilight appeared to be hastily putting away a notepad.
“Yeah, it’s pretty simple, guys.” Spouted a cheery voice beside Louis, causing him to jump…again.
“Urgh, we need to put bells on you ponies, you’re always sneaking around.” Louis grumbled.
Pinkie didn’t understand his comment, as she added further, “I know! Sometimes when I really, really want to find somepony, they’re almost nowhere to be seen! But at the end of the day, we always find each other. It’s super-duper weird, but totally convenient!” Pinkie said, twitching her tail slightly.
Louis turned to Twilight, “I see what you mean by sense.”
She giggled a little, “Well, it definitely worked out for you today, Pinkie, seeing as you’ve drawn in a couple new ponies here.” Her eyes pointing to the two humans, who in turn gave small waves.
Pinkie froze, her eyes blowing up like balloons and bouncing between the two. They could see the cogs churning, maybe working through even more confetti and cake crammed into her cranium. But with some effort, they managed to push through the party pastry, activating pullies as they pulled at the corners of her mouth, stretching it out into a large smile as the rest of her body sparked into high gear. Jesus, this pony had enough energy ripping through her to energize a city, much less a country town.
“It’s you!” Pinkie exclaimed with glee, bouncing around the table.
“It’s…us?” They repeated, looking at each other for an answer.
“Yeah, you!” She pointed between them, “You and you, you and you, the two of you! Well, if we count Twilight and Starlight, then it would be four, but we're not, so that’s two!” She slipped in between the mares, “I knew something sounded odd when you girls were asking for cupcakes. When you were talking about who they’re for, I thought ‘weird, didn’t I just recently run into a unicorn named Vanilla with an incredibly long mane…” As she said this, her poofy mane popped, falling all around her face to mimic Louis, “…and an incredibly big pegasus named Mellow…” She puffed out her chest, morphing into an exaggeratedly strong stature to mimic Ambrose, “…with nearly the EXACT same features?’ But then I realized that’s because it is them!”
Twilight was taken aback, “Wait, you’ve already met them? But they just got here.”
Pinkie nodded, “Yup, they sure did!”
Starlight spoke up, “When? We didn’t hear about any recent move-ins, neither did Dash apparently…”
Ambrose watched as they conversed, a particular tidbit from Louis last night murmuring in his mind.
…You don’t think they were trying to lie to you? You were able to craft one pretty quick. I can’t imagine they wouldn’t try the same…
Pinkie’s enthusiasm dimmed slightly, “Oh right, you girls only just got back from your trip in Canterlot, they showed up a few days ago while you were gone. I was going to write to you about newcomers, but…” She perked up again, “I guess it’s not necessary since they’re right in front of you!” She pointed her hooves to them in dramatic fashion.
What. The. Fuck.
“Oh, uh-are you absolutely sure about that, Pinkie? I think you might have the wrong ponies-“ Ambrose was quickly cut off as Pinkie appeared before him, her eyes robotically scanning him up and down, checking under his chin and fluffing his feathers. When she was done poking and prodding Ambrose, she then shifted her focus to Louis, having somehow materialized a comically large magnifying glass, her ginormous pupil gazed along every inch of his body with an investigative “Hmmm...” No dice here, as she swiftly tossed the glass to the side, rubbing her chin with a hoof. They both looked to the mares for some clarification, as the entire table was hoisted upwards in her search. Unsatisfied, she slammed it back down and began looking in other corners of Sugarcube Corner.
Louis and Ambrose breathed internal sighs of relief, now free from…well, whatever the fuck that was about.
She was gone, but Louis still felt that irritating itch that she was always looking at them. It was giving him the creeps; in fact, it really became an itch, as nerves tip-toed all across his temple. He went to scratch it, just as a sudden pink blur shot out from his mane, pulling at strands. He wanted to scream in shock, but no sound resonated, only silently sitting in horror that Pinkie had just appeared from inside his mane. Once she was done with her search there, she slowly slurped back into his scalp, closing his curls like curtains. He went to grab for her, to find she’d disappeared completely, only leaving terrified tingles going through his head, notably at a particular tip.
Ambrose blinked, the whole scene was over in a second as Louis was scrambling through his mane frantically. He couldn’t blame him; all thanks to a pink pony, or whatever she truly was at this point, some kind of ancient apparition? A freakish force of nature no one could control? Ugh, he was starting to sound like Louis, his innards twisting and turning at these thoughts. Then he felt his chest twitch as something mushed in-between begun to move around. He looked down, just in time to see a pink head quickly pop out from between his pecs, looking up at him with a blank stare. He freaked and went to swat at her, but she swiftly slipped back into his sternum.
Before properly processed what’d just possessed them, Pinkie popped up from the side of the table, “Nope, you’re the same ponies! Just making sure.”
“Huh, isn’t that…interesting.” Twilight mumbled, looking over at them.
“Yeah, thanks for telling us, Pinkie…wish I’d been there.” Starlight added, no emotion in her voice. Louis felt those tingles increase in intensity, just barely keeping his body under control.
“You really should’ve, it was a blast! In fact, I think I have a photo!” Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out multiple manila folders, “Hmm, no…no…no-aha! Here it is, 5150 Mile High Street, Vanilla Fudge and Mellow Yellow.” She placed the others back into her hair as she opened it, taking out the item of interest.
Twilight took it in her magic and examined it with a curious eye. Soon turning to mild amusement as she showed it to Starlight, who muffled a laugh when she looked at them.
“Wha-what?” Louis squeaked nervously, hiding parts of his terrified face behind his mane. She floated it over to him, quickly taking it in his own magic.
The picture presented the scene of a party, with its honored guests depicted at the forefront. A view of Vanilla and Mellow together with hooves hung around each other’s shoulders, wearing askew party hats and giant goofy smiles. He could see bits of streamers and confetti…maybe cake splattered all throughout the strands of his mane and tail. He even managed to smear some on Mellow’s fur when posing for the picture.
It was a silly pose. A happy pose. A familiar pose.
Even with the equine replacements, it was an exact reenactment of a picture he’d taken a long while ago. But it wasn’t a picture he’d taken with Ambrose. No, this is one he took with…
With…
With…
A sudden flash of light blasted by the table, blinding everyone in the building. As they regain the vision, very soon they realized they were down one unicorn. Only for another light to flash outside, followed by the falling of a body. They all looked outside to see Louis laid out on the ground, looking back at them. For a pause, the two parties peered at each other, processing what’d just occurred a second prior.
Then he ran.
Ambrose slowly, yet calmly, turned to Pinkie.
“Say, you wouldn’t happen to have a to-go bag for these, would you?”