Chapter
Face to Face With Ghosts
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Sweet Apple Acres was always a place of mixed feelings for Fluttershy, but seldom as much as it was today. Ghosts of the past accompanied her from the moment she pulled up to the farm. Memories lingered that were as static as the trees of the orchard. Fluttershy was usually okay with it, finding comfort in these remembrances… But today they felt heavier.
She got out of her car – a recent purchase to keep her from leaning on her friends so much – and called Cherub over to her. The little puppy came running over to her seat, and Fluttershy had to stop her from jumping out. She attached a leash to the German Shepherd’s collar, then let her jump out of the car.
As she walked the rest of the way up to the farmhouse, she looked around. There were memories at every turn. Memories of high school, of days spent rehearsing with the Rainbooms here. Memories of life after graduation, when they’d still get together for regular cookouts in the summer. Memories of Sunset, so many memories of Sunset.
And, of course, this was where Sky rested.
Fluttershy was glad she had Cherub with her. It made it a little easier to stay out of her head with the excitable puppy running back and forth. She would run ahead as far as her leash would allow, sniff something, then run back the other way.
The sight of Applejack broke what was left of her reverie, and she reflexively put on a confident, smiling face. “Hello, Applejack.”
“Hey, Fluttershy.” Applejack had been waiting on the front porch for her, but she walked forward to meet her friend halfway. When she got there, she bent down and held out her hand to let Cherub sniff her. “And hello to you too, cutie.”
“Cherub,” Fluttershy reminded her. “She’s been out to the dog park already, so this won’t be the first time she’s with another dog. She should behave herself.”
“I’m sure she’ll get along with Winona just fine. I’ll go get her, if you wanna meet me ‘round back.”
“Sounds good.” Fluttershy called Cherub, who came running at the sound of her name. Fluttershy smiled at the little dog’s excitability as she walked around the house to the backyard.
Fluttershy took a seat on a picnic table that the Apples kept around for get-togethers. She let Cherub walk around the ground nearby, sniffing new smells, but she didn’t take her off the leash yet. She would once Applejack brought Winona out, but she was a little worried about doing so before there were two sets of eyes on the little puppy.
They weren’t waiting for long. Applejack opened the door and Winona came running out, immediately running up to the unfamiliar dog, who in turn ran behind Fluttershy’s leg.
Fluttershy giggled and moved out of the way. “Say hi to Winona, Cherub. She’s a friend.”
Cherub gingerly stepped forward, then she and Winona walked in circles sniffing each other. Eventually, Winona adopted a playful stance, and Cherub jumped after her. Winona jumped back and ran a few feet, then turned around and waited for the puppy to follow.
Fluttershy unhooked the leash and let Cherub run after her new friend. She looked back at Fluttershy once, who gestured for her to go on, then she ran after the bigger dog.
“Looks like they’ll get on jus’ fine,” Applejack said.
Fluttershy nodded. “I think so.”
“So how’ve you been?”
“I’m doing okay,” Fluttershy answered, feeling like that was true for once. “Better than I have been in a long time.”
“That’s great! Keeping busy in your downtime from the band?”
“Trying to. I’m, uhm…” Fluttershy blushed a little. “I’m trying to write my memoirs.”
“Oh yeah? That sounds like a great project.”
“It’s… well, I don’t know if I’ll ever release it. I’d have to edit all the Equestrian stuff out, you know.”
Applejack nodded. “Be a bit hard to sell people on that all actually happening.”
“Yeah. But it’s good, I think. Getting it all out of my head. And it’s better than drinking and watching TV every night.” Fluttershy giggled as she watched the dogs running around. “Cherub’s helping a lot too.”
“Yeah, I think getting a dog was the smartest decision ya ever made.”
Fluttershy smiled. “She could be.”
Although she had worn a light jacket, Fluttershy found it was too warm for that. She pulled it off and set it on the picnic table, revealing the tank top she was wearing underneath.
“Gonna get any more tattoos done?” Applejack asked, admiring the ink on Fluttershy’s arms.
Fluttershy held out her left arm, which was mostly blank except for a sun on her shoulder. “I’d like to get something on this arm. I, uhm, actually kind of had an idea.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“Well, tattoo removal doesn’t always get the job done, is expensive, and there’s a lot of drawbacks. It’s easier to cover it up, but I thought, well… Maybe I don’t need to. It’s… it’s a little strange that I have my ex-girlfriend’s symbol tattooed on me like this. But maybe if I got a bunch of tattoos like this one…”
“Er, a bunch of suns?”
Fluttershy chuckled. “No. But maybe an apple, and some balloons for Pinkie, diamonds for Rarity, and everyone in the band, and Twilight, and just… everyone. A whole sleeve design of all my friends.”
Applejack smiled. “I think that sounds like a good idea.”
“I think I’ll start it up while we’re in Everton. I could get a couple sessions done before the tour.”
“How long will something like that take?”
“It’ll be a few sessions, at least.” Fluttershy shrugged. “I’ll have to talk it over with the artist, then we’ll see how well my skin takes the ink. But they’re simple designs, so it shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”
“Well, I look forward to seeing it done, then.” Applejack shifted in her seat. “And… I’m glad ya ain’t so mad at Sunset that you want to get rid of it.”
“I thought about it a lot. I used to like hiding it as much as possible. But now… I don’t know, I don’t mind as much.”
“I heard about how things went when she came to visit you.” Applejack frowned and looked away, towards the dogs. “I wanna apologize. That was partly my fault.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I knew it was a bad idea for her to go without calling ahead, and I just… didn’t say anything.”
“It’s fine, AJ. I’m sure she asked you not to.”
“Well, yeah, but still… I know enough to trust my gut on these things.”
Fluttershy smiled. “You’re her best friend. You’re supposed to support her.”
“Yeah, well, I’m your friend too. I just…” Applejack sighed. “Why didn’t ya ever tell me you were still torn up over her?”
Fluttershy bowed her head. “I didn’t know I was. I thought I was over her, really. I thought I was over a lot of things.”
“Ya know, if ya ever need to talk…”
“I know.” Fluttershy smiled. “I’m doing better these days though. I’m opening up with the band more, and I’m talking things through with my therapist.”
“Alright, well, the offer’s not goin’ anywhere.”
They watched the dogs for a few minutes, then Fluttershy pulled out a letter. She handed it to Applejack, but didn’t say anything right away.
“What’s this?”
“It’s for Sunset.” Fluttershy looked into Applejack’s eyes. “It’s things I want to say to her, but I can’t face her yet. Don’t worry, it’s nothing mean.”
Applejack nodded. “I’ll make sure she gets it.”
“So how’s she doing?”
Applejack hesitated. “You sure you want an update on that?”
Fluttershy smiled and nodded. “I know how I acted, but I’m really better when I’m not taken off guard. I don’t mind hearing about her and her wives.”
Applejack adjusted her hat. “Yeah, well, there’s something that’ll take you off guard pretty badly.”
“I’m ready. Tell me what it is.”
Applejack took a deep breath. “They’re adopting. A little girl, her name’s Morning Glisten.”
“Oh. Wow.”
“Yeah. You okay?”
Fluttershy just watched their dogs for a moment, then she surprised herself with the answer. “Yes, I am. It kind of hurts. But I’m okay. Have you met their daughter yet?”
“No, not yet. They’re still in the early stages, they just get her on the weekends right now. She’s not good with meetin’ new people, so they don’t want to overload her with all the other world stuff just yet.”
Fluttershy smiled a little. “Make sure they don’t keep that up forever. You know Sunset, she’s good at finding reasons to put stuff off.”
Applejack chuckled. “Yeah, that’s true. I’ll make sure she doesn’t put it off forever.”
Raising a girl together… that had been Fluttershy’s dream with Sunset. Now she was sharing that dream with someone else, and Fluttershy was left behind, like always.
She frowned at the intrusive thought. That wasn’t how it was, and she knew that. “Think they’re ready for this?”
“I think so,” Applejack said. “They’re in a good place in their relationship, and they’ve got lots of ponies around to help them. And with their jobs, Sunset almost exclusively works out of the house. Twilight goes on business trips and stuff sometimes, but she’s usually in town, so they’ll be around more often than not.”
“What does the other Fluttershy do?”
Applejack turned to her with surprise showing on her face. In truth, it surprised Fluttershy that she asked as well. “You sure you wanna talk about her?”
“I’ll never see her as her own person if I don’t.”
“Well, alright.” Applejack scratched at the back of her head. “She works with animals. Takes care of the wild animals around town or something, I’m not positive. I never get to leave the castle on account of some national security thing, so I’ve never seen what she does exactly.”
“I see.” Fluttershy frowned. “So she’s basically doing what I used to want to do. What Sunset wanted me to do.”
“Well… I guess she kind of is…”
Fluttershy took a shaky breath. It was still hard to feel like she wasn’t replaced.
“I won’t tell you that Sunset didn’t fall for her because she’s like you, because she probably did. Just… she’s also not you. It’s hard to place, but all the little things add up, you know?”
Fluttershy smiled and gestured to her attire. “I think there’s a few differences.”
Applejack frowned. “That ain’t why you started dressing like that, is it? To be different from the other Fluttershy?”
“No,” Fluttershy answered, then thought better of it. “Maybe that was part of it, but not the main reason. I just… I wanted to be someone else. I don’t think it mattered who. But now I like dressing like this. There’s a sort of positivity that comes with it, with trying to look good by my standards, not by society’s.”
Applejack grinned. “Well, ya always do look good, I ain’t arguin’ that.”
Fluttershy giggled. “Thanks, Applejack.”
Cherub ran over to the picnic table, then ran around their feet for a bit, then ran back off with Winona.
“So you’re still planning on going back on tour then?” Applejack asked. “Sure ya won’t find a nice girl and settle down?”
Fluttershy grinned. “Why? Miss me when I’m gone?”
Applejack shrugged. “Well, yeah. Don’t you miss all of us when you’re on the road?”
Fluttershy had just been teasing, she hadn’t expected a real answer. But it was easy to answer in turn. “I do. But we’re so busy most days that I don’t really have time to stop and think, I guess. But yes, I miss you, Pinkie, Rarity, and Twilight. And… and lately, I miss Sunset.”
“She’d really like to see you.”
“Maybe someday. Not now.”
Applejack nodded. “Fair enough. But ya didn’t answer my other question.”
“About settling down in Everton? No, I’m not ready to do that. Might do that someday too, but right now, I want to keep touring. Besides, I’m learning I don’t need a relationship as much as I thought I did. I need companionship.”
“Aww, well little Cherub has ya covered there.”
Fluttershy giggled. “Yes, she does. And Lemon Zest. She’s been spending a lot of time with me these days.”
“Oh yeah? Maybe ya won’t need to settle down to find a nice girl after all.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “No. I’d be interested, but she’s not and I respect that.”
“Ah, she’s straight?”
“No, she’s aro-ace.”
“Er, pardon?”
“Aromantic and asexual. She’s not interested in romance or sex.”
“Oh. I never realized there was a word for that.”
Fluttershy turned to face Applejack. This had been something on her mind as well. “Hey, AJ… You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but…”
“You want to know if I’m the same way.”
“Well… yes. You’ve never dated anyone. As far as I can tell, you’ve never even wanted to.”
Applejack was quiet. She watched the dogs instead of answering. Winona was jumping to try and catch a bug or something, and Cherub was just watching her and wagging her tail.
Eventually, Applejack sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t really think of it. I… I do think if I found the right person I’d settle down, but…” Applejack looked at Fluttershy. “You, er, like sex and stuff, right?”
Fluttershy chuckled. “Well, I didn’t catch an STI from a toilet seat.”
“I just… Well, when I was a teenager, I thought guys liked sex, and girls just kinda went along with it. But if that was true, then lesbians wouldn’t ever have sex, and believe me I’ve heard more than my fair share from Sunset about that.”
“Girls like sex too,” Fluttershy said simply. “But you don’t have to.”
“Well I mean, I’ve never done it.” Applejack looked at the ground. “I can’t really know if I don’t try it, you know?”
“Sure you can.” Fluttershy shrugged. “Straight people always seem to know they’re straight without trying things. And I knew I was gay when I was still a kid getting puppy love crushes on girls in elementary school.”
“I… I guess…”
“And you’re allowed to be wrong, you know. If you think you don’t like sex, then later find out you do, that’s okay.”
“I guess.”
“You want me to ask Lemon Zest if she’s okay with talking about it with you?”
“No, don’t worry about it. I think… I think I just need some time to think it over.”
“Okay. Well, if you ever want to talk about things, I’m happy to.”
Applejack smiled at her. “Thanks, Fluttershy.”
“So, uhm, how’s business going?”
That got them onto a more regular conversation topic. They talked about how things were going in each of their respective fields, about how Apple Bloom was running the social media side of Sweet Apple Acres these days, and about how Fluttershy was using some of her time to talent scout new bands online.
It was nice to catch up with Applejack. Even though she was staying in Everton, Fluttershy hadn’t seen her friend as much as she would’ve liked to. She resolved to change that, and the same went for Pinkie Pie. They were her oldest friends aside from Rainbow, and Fluttershy didn’t want to lose touch with either of them.
She stayed for lunch, bringing Cherub inside to see the Apple family house. It was where she’d be staying whenever Fluttershy was off on tour, so she needed to get used to it. Applejack made them pasta salad, which was of course delicious.
“I should get going,” Fluttershy said after a while. “Thanks for having me.”
“Of course, always nice to see you.” Applejack kneeled down to scratch Cherub’s ears. “And it was nice meeting you, little one.”
Fluttershy attached the leash, then called Cherub. She fell into step beside her obediently.
“Want me to see you out?” Applejack asked.
“No, I… I think I’m going to make a stop on the way out.”
Applejack nodded her understanding, just like Fluttershy knew she would. “Well then, I’ll see ya around. Don’t be a stranger.”
The two women hugged, then Fluttershy left through the front door. The ghosts of her memories didn’t haunt her so much on the way back.
She didn’t go to her car, though. She walked along a well worn path, heading to a field of flowers with a small headstone.
She kneeled down when she reached it. Cherub sniffed it, then decided she was more interested in the nearby flowers.
Fluttershy turned her attention away from the dog to the grave instead. “Hi, Sky. It’s been a while. I hope you don’t mind.”
She looked up at the sky, which was clear of any clouds. “I just found out you have a sister. It feels like you’ve always watched over me, but now I have a favor to ask. Watch over Sunset and her daughter too. I know Applejack said she’s ready for this, but I know she must be freaking out. Oh, she’ll be good at being a mom, but she’ll be a nervous wreck too.”
Fluttershy smiled. “I always thought that raising a daughter was supposed to be our thing, but that was selfish, huh? Sunset and her wives deserve that, and I… I don’t even want a kid anymore. Not if I can’t have you.”
She shook her head. “But I’m not sad. I have days where all I feel is sad, but I’m not sad right now. I don’t want a kid, and that’s okay. And well, I’m allowed to change my mind later if I want, right? I’m not deciding anything forever, just focusing on right now.
“That’s something I’m still working on. Living in the moment. I used to think I was good at that, but then I realized living in the moment shouldn’t be pretending like there isn’t a future. I still have to take care of myself, but I need to enjoy what I have.”
Fluttershy hesitated, but there was no point in hiding things from Sky. “I didn’t want to live for a long time. Sometimes I still don’t. You know that, though. I would’ve gone through with it if it wasn’t for that dream with you, after all. But it’s different now. I don’t want to die, and… and that’s such a powerful feeling. It’s good, but it’s hard to not be overwhelmed by it. And so many people will never understand what this feels like, to want to live for the first time in ages. It’s just… it’s a lot.”
She traced her hand along the headstone and imagined she was stroking Sky’s hair. It didn’t work very well; her daughter had pale yellow and pink hair, and Fluttershy loved to brush and style it. This headstone was hard and solid.
“I miss you. But I miss you less and less every day. I felt guilty about that for a long time, but I’m starting to realize you wouldn’t want me to miss you the way I did. It hurt so much, I… I just wanted to be with you, no matter what. Now I know that someday I will be, and when I am, I want to be someone you’re proud of. Not someone who gave up when it got too difficult, but someone who stuck it out and lived life to the fullest.”
Fluttershy smiled as a tear rolled down her cheek. “But I’m okay. I’m… I’m okay now. I just… just…”
No matter how many times she said it, Fluttershy couldn’t make herself okay enough to stop the tears from coming. Cherub ran over and started licking at her legs until Fluttershy picked up the little puppy and cradled her in her arms. “I’m not okay, am I? But I’ll be okay. Someday.”
Fluttershy put Cherub on the ground and stood up. “I’ll visit again sooner next time. I love you, Sky.”
Fluttershy started walking, and Cherub ran along beside her. They walked side by side to the car, where Fluttershy had to help the little dog inside. She took one last look in the direction of the grave and smiled. “I’ll be okay, Sky. Someday, I’ll be okay.”