//------------------------------// // Rarity's Sewer Shenanigan // Story: Charlie the Unicorn: Friendship is Insanity // by Kleptoshark //------------------------------// “You really must sit still, dear.” Rarity was insisting on giving Charlie a makeover, she was currently still taking his measurements, and he was acting very skittish, insisting that he was ‘fine just the way I am’. Rarity, of course, would have none of this, insisting that he do something with the boring grey monotone of his coat. Rainbow Dash burst into the parlour, panting. The first thing Rarity noticed was the teal-pegasus’ mane, or lack thereof. “Dash!” exclaimed Rarity, a look of genuine horror on her face, “What happened to you?!” “It… it was those two!” Rainbow Dash panted, still out of breath. Charlie gave a low whistle, admiring the handiwork of his tormentors, the blue and pink unicorns were nothing if not creative, but this was inspired- even for them. “Which two?” Rarity asked, slightly perplexed, she then thought better of her question, and offered her friend a seat before asking her to continue. “It was those two unicorns that barged into Sugar Cube Corner yesterday,” Rainbow Dash sputtered. “Ah, yes, a shameful abuse of illusory magic if you ask me,” Rarity huffed, “but what have they got to do with this?” Rainbow Dash went on to explain the events that led up to her losing her mane. As her story became more unbelievable, Rarity’s expression turned from disbelief to a worried smile. Finally Rarity rose from her seat, walking towards Rainbow Dash and addressing her in a soothing tone. “What you need is good rest,” Rarity said in a motherly tone, humouring her anxious friend, “you’ve been overworked, I’m certain a few hours alone will let you organise your thoughts.” Rarity continued to slowly, but insistently usher the cyan Pegasus towards the door, finally shutting it after her. She turned back to Charlie with an apologetic smile on her face. “I’m afraid you’ll have to excuse Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, “I can’t imagine the un-Celestial hours they keep at the weather station, she’s probably been under a lot of stress lately.” “Well, I’d be surprised if she wasn’t.” Charlie mused in a guarded tone. The afternoon went along pleasantly enough without a further hitch, and eventually Charlie politely bid farewell and exited the boutique. Rarity noted the late hour, and went into her washroom for her pre-bed makeup adjustments. ~~~~~ The white unicorn entered her spacious washroom, and jumped onto the spinning floor-mounted stool that was situated in front of her makeup cabinet. She examined herself in the mirror for a few moments before throwing open her makeup cabinet, a grin on her face. Inside of her six-shelf cabinet waited a huge arsenal of perfumes, powders, moisturizers, lotions, lipsticks, and everything necessary to anypony wanting to maintain a perfect appearance. She selected a few items off of various shelves, before closing the cabinet again to examine her appearance. *Splash* *Thump* “Raaarity!” What in Celestia’s name was that? Rarity swivelled around in her chair at high speed, determined to confront whatever had invaded her privacy. Poking out of her toilet was the pink unicorn she had seen at Sugar Cube Corner, giving her a smile while staring at her intently. There was an awkward silence that dragged on for some time. Rarity riveted to her swivel chair in a mixture of shock, disbelief, and fear while she stared at the latrine-infiltrator with wide eyes and shrunken pupils. The pink unicorn kept on smiling at her blankly. “Hello?” Rarity finally ventured. “Rarity!” the pink unicorn exclaimed, “You have to come with us! The Crocodile Caliph has been usurped by The Weasel!” a blue unicorn poked up alongside the pink unicorn. “Yaaay, regicide!” he chimed. “What are you talking about?” Rarity pleaded, still trying to understand how they had managed to invade her bathroom through the toilet. “There’s no time to explain!” urged the blue unicorn, “get into the magical gateway!” the pink unicorn dived down into the toilet bowl, the blue unicorn beckoned for her to join him in the porcelain latrine. “If you think, for one minute,” Rarity declared, sternly, “that I am going to jump in there-” “Bleeaaaugh!” the pink unicorn suddenly burst out of the makeup cabinet behind her, the sudden burst of noise sent her shooting forward in surprise, straight into the open toilet bowl. ~~~~~ As Rarity slowly regained consciousness, her nose was immediately assaulted by an absolutely putrid stench. She opened her eyes to check her surroundings, and saw only darkness. She slowly got up from what felt like a smooth cold stone floor. “H-hello?” She called out, timidly. The only answer was the echo of her voice. Well enough of this gloominess. Rarity thought, and focused her energy into her horn, conjuring up a small glow to shed some light on her situation. She was startled to find the two blue and pink unicorns standing inches away from her. “Raritee!” “AAAAUGH!” Rarity responded coherently. “Neiyeegh!” The blue unicorn sang in response, rearing slightly. Rarity blinked at them, a frightened look crossing her features. “Alright then,” she said, shakily, “you wouldn’t happen to know where we are then, would you?” “We’re in the sewer, Rarity!” the pink unicorn responded happily. “I was worried you’d say that.” Rarity took a moment to register her surroundings. They were, indeed, in a large stone-brick tunnel, with two walkways on either side. Through the middle of the tunnel network ‘flowed’ a disgusting river of brown-green sludge, floating in it was the refuse of equinity, pieces of garbage and organic waste bobbing along in the muck. Rarity suppressed her gag reflex, and turned back to the two unicorns, who were currently sauntering away from her, off into the darkness. “Wait up!” Rarity called, cantering after them. ~~~~~ “Why have we stopped? What’s going on?” Rarity was baffled at how the Unicorns seemed to suddenly halt at the end of a wooden section of walkway, after they had been leading her around for what felt like an eternity, marching through the darkness whilst constantly being assaulted by that terrible stench. Rarity was still attempting to fathom why in Equestria Ponyville’s sewage system seemed to be more intricate than the actual town itself. “To reach the Crocodile Caliphate,” the pink unicorn informed her, “we need to go under the river!” The blue unicorn gave a chortle at Rarity’s stunned expression, “We have a submarine!” “An arcane submersible that will take us to our destination!” added the pink unicorn Rarity wrinkled her nose at this. She couldn’t see the bottom of the sludge, due to its opaque nature, but surely it couldn’t be more than a few feet deep- *SPLOOOOOOSH!* Rarity's thoughts were interrupted by a giant iron behemoth emerging from the murky depths, breaching the waters like a great whale from the surface of an ocean. The massive black steel submarine gleamed with an eldritch sheen. Emblazoned on the side of the U-boat was a massive hammer-and-banana in scarlet red. Rarity’s jaw fell open, and her pupils shrank in her eyes as she gazed upon the gargantuan underwater traverser. A metal screeching noise could be heard, and a hatch opened up near the top of the massive vessel. Out of the hatch poked a woolly alpaca wearing a garish ushanka and an eye patch. He waved down to them with a foreleg. “Шelcome aъoard, comяades!” the alpaca shouted in a ridiculously exaggerated Stalliongrad accent. “Yaaay, Marexism!” the blue unicorn cheered, floating through the air upside-down in a grand rejection of logic to land next to the alpaca on top of the submarine. “Come on, you silly slowpokes, get in!” A hole opened up in the side of the submarine, and a large steel-grate gangplank extended forth from it, coming to a rest atop the wooden catwalk. “Yaay!” the pink unicorn cheered as he galloped into the darkness of the vessel. Rarity finally shook herself out of her stupor, and, against her better judgement, followed the unicorns into the submarine. As soon as she stepped inside, large, dull white lights turned on, illuminating the inner-workings of the submarine. Several other alpacas wearing pillbox caps attended glowing control panels. The pink and blue unicorns were busily making irritating “bing-bong” noises with their mouths, similar to a sonar scanner. The alpaca captain was busily eating an apple- or rather, attempting to chew on an apple, without success. The alpaca merely rolled the whole fruit around in his mouth, failing to masticate it properly. He approached Rarity. “Ursh-ubll-urphmphmphrrm” he said, the apple severely hindering his speech abilities. Rarity was taken aback by the captain’s utter lack of etiquette. She tried to correct his error. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over that apple…” she hinted, attempting to correct his manners in the most polite way possible. The captain nodded. He turned his head and spat the apple onto the floor, the red fruit rolled away, leaving a thin trail of spittle behind it before coming to rest in a corner. Rarity’s face turned a shade of green. The alpaca gave a satisfied huff, before addressing her again. “Befoяe шe disembaяk, you’ll иeed to ъecome paяt of the cяew.” He informed her, retrieving an utterly disgusting, unfashionable pilotka cap from his woolly coat. “You’ll иeed to шear this.” Rarity’s response was immediate, “Do I have to?” she looked over to the pink and blue unicorns, hoping for guidance. “Think of the children, Rarity!” the blue unicorn consoled her. “The chiiildren!” the pink unicorn confirmed, suddenly, the submarine’s control room was filled with the echoing sounds of crying infants. Rarity panicked. Picking up the cap with her magic, she quickly secured the offensive headpiece on her head. The crying noises were immediately replaced with the sound of a party blowout, and a small amount of confetti floated down from the air. “В советское жеребцаград, шляпа носит вас!” the pink unicorn approved. The captain merely gave a satisfied nod, and promptly left the control room, shutting the door behind him. Rarity sulked, falling into a state of self-pity. Here she was, the most fashionable pony in Ponyville, wearing a horrible, tasteless hat, travelling through sewage. She caught sight of the spit-covered apple from earlier, and gave a shudder. Unexpectedly, a pair of eyes opened on the apple, and gazed back at her. The apple rolled towards the white unicorn, much to Rarity’s horror. Once coming within a metre of her, a mouth opened on the apple, and began singing about how despite what someone looks like, it’s what’s on the inside that matters. The sailors all abandoned their posts to join in on the chorus. Despite everything, Rarity’s frown began to melt away, and the ghost of a smile appeared on her face. It was indeed, a very catchy tune. Then the apple exploded, and Rarity fainted. ~~~~~ Rarity began to regain consciousness in her own bathroom. She immediately looked around her, and gave a nervous chuckle. Perhaps she had just experienced a mental breakdown? Yes. That was the only logical answer, she had just experienced a hallucination of some sort, and she had not actually jumped into her toilet bowl to go on an adventure with a pair of psychotic unicorns. Rarity decided that she would see a psychiatrist in the morning to get whatever it was cleared up. For now, however, she would relax over a soothing makeov- Rarity’s entire makeup cabinet, including all of its contents, were mysteriously gone.