//------------------------------// // Take me back // Story: Me and My Lord of Chaos // by Abryssle //------------------------------// "AH, fuck, my eyes!" I yelled, hands snapping up to cover my face. I felt my legs collapse, and I fell down onto what felt like ground. Discord laughed. "I suppose you don't go outside much?" "Fuck!" I responded politely. I moved my hands away slowly, my eyes blinking as they quickly started adjusting to the daylight. I was on grass, for sure; glimpses of bright green confirmed that to me. There didn't seem to be much else around, besides the occasional distant tree or the like. Just oddly bright, strange looking grass... "Discord, where are we?" "Equestria, obviously," he said, hovering as though still seated, a few feet to my side. He was strafing to reach my front, though, even as I realized where he was. A crawling sensation traveled up my spine. I took a long breath and gave a short, relaxed chuckle. "Ha, no, seriously, Discord-" "Equestria," he repeated. "Your parents had arrived, so I left. As per request." "Why the hell am I here, then?" I said. I could hear the sad sound of a collapsing mind emanating from my voice. Equestria. I'm in Equestria. Discord cocked his head quizzically. "You seem somewhat agitated. Was it the teleportation? That can be somewhat disorienting for newbies, I know." I rose slowly from the ground. I didn't even bother to take the second necessary to wipe off the back of my pants. "Take me back." "I'm afraid I can't," Discord said. "I order you, take me back, and if you don't, I swear, i'll-" Any threat I make will be empty. Completely. I'm threatening the physical avatar of chaos. "I do mean, I can't. As in, I lack the ability to comply. I was dimension-hopping randomly when I headed to your earth; I have no idea where it is." I stared blankly at him as he continued happily. "Which means I get to keep you, my adorably awkward audience, around for a long while!" "You can't mean that, can you?" I said. My voice was weak. "Well, no, I can. I do, actually." "Well then why'd you take me here?" I said. "...To keep my audience? And as a present for you." He actually spoke a little softer for the next part, to my confusion. "I figured this would be a likable shift, considering the apparent nature of your obsession." "Well, it's not," I said frustratedly. "It's like a common thing amongst the fans to go, "oh, I wish this were real," or, "I wish I was in Equestria," but it's not serious! At least... Well, not the Equestria one. Not for me. I have connections back on earth. A family. I use technologies that don't seem to exist here for hours of every day. I'm frail, don't possess magic or flight, and I have utterly no relationships already built here. I-" "You have me," Discord replied firmly. I shut up. "Besides," Discord carried on in a much more cheery voice, "It's not like it can be reversed, so may as well make the best of it." I held my silence for a moment. Giving up wouldn't do... but presuming he was still playing by his rules, he couldn't get me back, so he was right. I'd have to just deal with it. And whatever impact it would have on my psyche. I took a deep breath and held it for a moment before letting it out. "Okay. What do you want to do here, then?" He smiled at my grudging acceptance of my surroundings. "Well, first off, if i'm going to have any fun, we're going to need to steal the elements of harmony again," Discord said casually. "No. No, we're not doing that," I said immediately. "Well, it'd be more me doing it," Discord replied. I looked around. There was still nothing living anywhere nearby. "Yeah, I know. I mean, you shouldn't do it." Discord looked intrigued. I waited for him to say something, but he merely twirled a finger in a "continue" gesture. "Couldn't you... make peace? Or something? Just for simplicity's sake. And, like, to avoid getting resealed in stone." "In answer to that, no, i'm not going to make peace. What a ridiculous notion. Pony society has turned to following all that boring law and order nonsense, under their precious monarchs. I have a point to make; chaos over order and such." He snapped his fingers, appearing just beside where he had been. In his former place was a statue of him in the same pose. "As for the stone, harmony magic is rather on the slow side for Draconequus abilities." I pushed up my glasses. "Well, then." Payback time. "I order you to not do anything to any pony without my express command." Discord seemed to freeze for a moment before flashing a wolfish grin. For a moment, I felt a shudder of fear, but then he let out something I hadn't yet heard; genuine, low-pitched, wicked sounding evil laughter. I wondered if that came naturally, or if it was something he'd practiced— it was impressive either way. "Oh, that's excellent. You do have a spine!" "...Yeah," I said after a short delay. Discord kept smiling. It wasn't like that was uncommon, but still. "Haha, that'll make things a bit more interesting," Discord continued. He looked up at the sky, teeth bright white in the clear sunlight. "I'll have to be a bit more subtle..." He lowered his head, and looked off into the distance. "Are those clothes important to you?" "What?" I said. "Are those specific articles of clothing, the ones you brought, important to you?" Discord asked again, turning towards me. I looked down. A plain black t-shirt, pajamas, and black socks. "No?" I said back, unsure where this was going. "I mean, kind of. I can't be naked." "Why not? I'm naked," Discord responded. He had a suggestive tone of voice there, just subtle enough to clue me in that he understood human clothing conventions demanded that people not normally be nude. Somehow. "Because," I answered. A gust of wind blew through the field we'd appeared in. Discord's hand started to vanish in the air, turning into a strange colored mist. It was like the wind was sweeping his flesh away. "Eh, I suppose it's not important." The snap. The flash. I immediately started looking around for his new location, but for one thing, I didn't see him anywhere, and two, I felt an extra weight over my body, and my arms were covered. There was a light brown cloak on me over my other clothes, one that had a shift from brown to grey near the top and that had differently colored arms... "Discord, if i'm wearing you right now-" I started. The idea made me feel... weird. Like... an empty, hollowed out tingly feeling. "Brilliant, isn't it?" his voice said, seemingly from right behind me. He wasn't, when I looked, of course. "No logical pony would assume that an alien creature's clothing is me. It'd be my first assumption, of course, but i'm me, so that's sort of cheating." "It's colored just like you!" "Not completely. Parts of my beautiful body were, alas, for a simple article of clothing too varied in color. And the assumption is so wild in other ways that it won't occur to them. The alien wearing the odd cloak will likely be of more interest to them. They'll probably just think you're flamboyant and weird looking." "That's not the only problem! I don't want to be wearing you! It's... it's weird." He laughed at my protest. Again, it felt like it was coming from just behind me. "Well, it's also the best course of action for subtlety on my part. And it's funny." "Where are you talking from?" I wondered aloud. "I'm talking from the back. It has a large face pattern on it. When i'm silent, it'll just serve to look cool, but it functions well as my face." I held up an arm. The sleeve was smooth against my skin, and it hung down slightly, so it was loose enough to be comfortable. I put up the hood, which, I suppose for a bearable design, was white, in contrast to the light grey upper body and shoulders. "You know, if I changed your pants, I could get my leg colors in too..." "Sure, why not. As long as my pants aren't actually made of you, do whatever you feel like to them. Appearance wise," I made sure to quickly add on at the end. There wasn't even a flash of light, but I felt the difference immediately. They were smoother and a bit more loose. I imagined I looked like an excessively obsessed teenage LARP-er. The thought didn't make me feel immensely more pleased with the plan. You could just command him to not do this plan, I thought. But if he gets bored, it'll probably be something worse. Besides. He has his one exemption still hanging over you, my internal sense of paranoia spoke up. I followed it. It wasn't even worth stopping. I was out of my league, and I was clearly going to just be dragged forwards through things. I lacked any sense of direction or purpose in Equestria--how could I compete with the relatively clear goal of "be amused and cause chaos?" "So," I said aloud, breaking off my thoughts. "Where to?" "I don't care. Any major settlement should be fine. Though Canterlot would likely be the most fun one," Discord said. "Not Canterlot," I said. "I dunno." Ponyville. You know you want to say it. "Is there anywhere you especially want to cause chaos in? Ponyville. Come on, Aaron. "Not really, no," Discord said calmly. "Anywhere's fine." "Okay. Ponyville, then." If Discord had had a face I could see, it would be bent in the shape of smug satisfaction. I knew it would. I knew his currently existing face was, for sure, smiling, due to reasons of smug satisfaction. "Now... how are we going to get there?" "Well, there's walking, and teleportation. Either would work just fine." "How far away is it?" "Eh, a mile or two. I brought us near it on arrival... For some reason, I had a suspicion one of us would want to go there, either for theft or visiting purposes." I didn't react to that. "Let's just teleport... Could you make me some shoes first, though?" I looked down. "Wearing just socks is annoying me." "Ha, sure." I tried not to react as shoes just appeared around my feet. So this is the upside to infinite power. Shoes. Shoes on demand. They were black, mostly, and fairly simple in design. They felt fitted, though, and that was really what mattered. "Okay, so now we can just go. I guess. Preferably to the edge of town. I don't want to get swarmed." Because having a bunch of 3-foot tall, brightly colored ponies around you is terrifying, right? whispered a dark, self-loathing part of my brain. "Excellent~" Discord said, and then I was back in swirling darkness for a few seconds. Ponyville, here I come. The thought felt oddly unenthusiastic. I didn't want to be in Equestria permanently, or unexpectedly, but still... the concept of meeting the show's cast should have brought a little excitement to me. Instead, I just felt sort of vaguely tired. I felt the world reappear in a rush, and immediately started checking my surroundings. If there was a plus to Discord's presence (besides shoes), I suppose it could be said that my sensory awareness was gradually improving. I was on a path, and there was little else around besides more grass. "Ponyville is down the path in front of you," Discord said helpfully. "Yeah, I know, it's just... you know. Meeting ponies." Discord laughed. "You've already met me, and you seem comfortable enough to snark at me, despite the fact that I could turn you into a kazoo at any moment I felt like it." "A kazoo specifically?" I shot back immediately. Discord laughed. "See? Right there. It was an example, too, for your knowledge. I could also turn you into... Well, anything, really, though a Kazoo does sound fun." I was quiet. My feet shifted in place indecisively. "Just go, Aaron," Discord said reassuringly. "It'll be fun!" I made myself start walking. I'm probably just completely insane by now, I thought. It did seem a likely possibility. By all logical conclusion, from my perspective, I appeared to be in Equestria (a fictional land) and was wearing clothes constructed of Discord's flesh. Discord also being from Equestria, and thus also being completely made up. Those sounded like the logical conclusions of an insane person. Of course, even if I was insane... Did it matter? It wouldn't change what I was feeling or doing, at least as far as my senses could tell. Discord actually stayed quiet for the next few minutes, and I saw the town start to approach me. Visually. Physically, I was approaching it. I looked at my sleeve while I walked, just for something more engaging. The shade of tan was pretty nice. And the texture was good, too... It was really smooth and had a pleasant, cool feeling to it. Really, besides me looking stupid in him, and the fact he lacked pockets, Discord was a pretty sweet cloak. That's a weird thought. Then; At least he didn't replace your undergarments. "Hey!" Came a shout from the sky. The improbability of hearing it seemed pretty high, but i'd know the voice; Rainbow Dash. The only pony I couldn't have cared less about meeting, and the one most likely to hate me. Goody, I thought as I heard the rush of wind behind me. "What the hay are you?"