When Pinky Pie saw that the Cakes’ cake resembled the remains of a cute-ceñera confection table, she screamed. Her voice, loud and shrill, didn’t just echo through the train to Canterlot; it traveled through space and time, past nebulas, quarks, black holes, quantum time zones, ozones, twilight zones, end zones, and even came across some left socks that disappeared from Brittney Spear’s washing machine. Her voice carried farther than any voice had ever gone before.
And reached the goat-like ears of a particular draconequus that had just finished having tea with Fluttershy and returned to his home in the Chaos Dimension.
“Hark, someone needs help,” Discord said, hearing the scream of one of his friends, but not the most current version of her. Somewhere, he was needed before he was available.
“Scotty, beam me down,” Discord told his communication device and then phased out.
***
At the sound of their destressed friend and fellow traveler, the other ponies plus a mule and griffin rushed out of their rooms in the other cars, finding the pink pony crying over the three-tiered cake.
“What is it?” Apple Jack asked.
“What happened?” Rainbow Dash cried out.
“It's the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, it's been mutilated!” Pinky looked ready to do unto others as they had done unto the cake but a figure started appearing amidst the ponies in the train car.
He wore a blue and black shirt with a strange symbol on the breast.
“Hmmmm,” Discord said, calmly surveying the scene. Then he spoke into his communicator. “Not all of me arrived, Scotty. Shotty work.” A yellow eyeball, a red dragon’s tail and a heart—still beating—materialized on the floor just as Discord had. “Thank you.” He picked up the missing pieces and returned them where they belonged.
The griffin swore, but luckily it was in French, so it went over the heads of any young audience members.
“Discord?!” Twilight Sparkle shouted, crouching in a defensive position. “How did you get free?”
“Yeah, we turned you into a statue months ago,” Rainbow Dash added.
“Resistance is futile,” Discord demanded.
Everypony rallied behind Twilight Sparkle. Her horn began to glow as she prepared a spell.
“Wait, that’s the wrong phrase,” Discord said, tapping his forehead. “I meant to say, Live long and prosper.”
“Huh?”
“Put down that horn, Twilight. I’m reformed. Well, reformed and from the future,” Discord replied with a sly grin.
“Ah don’t believe it fer a second,” Apple Jack said, pounding her hoof.
“If you don’t believe me, at least believe Fluttershy. Future Fluttershy, that is. Here’s my letter of reference, a photo of us together, our friendship bracelets, our friendship necklaces—see how the heart is broken. Fluttershy has the other half—and my own pet, which she helped me pick out.” He pulled out each of these items from a briefcase he made appear, the last being a platypus.
Everypony turned to Fluttershy.
“Well, that is my signature…”
“Then it’s settled. I’m here to stay. At least, until my mission is complete.” The briefcase disappeared. The platypus remained, crawling between legs.
“What mission?” Twilight Sparkle asked, still skeptical.
“Why, the mystery of who ate the cake?” Discord said, showing the evidence. “Pinky Pie’s distress called me through time and space and brought me here, although I ran into a blue police box on the way.”
“Time travel? If that’s true, I don’t think this is a good idea. I know this from experience,” Twilight said, recalling her little incident. “Perhaps you should leave. I think we’re capable of handling this little mystery.”
“Oh, you would think so, wouldn’t you?” Discord countered. “That’s because you didn’t see the end result of this mess. Believe me, you want me here. Prime directive and all that.”
“Why? What happened?” Twilight Sparkle looked worried but laughed a bit. “I mean, it’s cake. What could possible go wrong?”
“You don’t want to know,” Discord added darkly.
Everyone shuddered. Cake was serious business.
“Okay, fine. Let’s get this over with,” Twilight Sparkle said, rolling her eyes. “You solve the mystery, and then you can go back where you came from.”
“Oh, not I, my dear Twilight. I won’t be the one solving the mystery,” Discord said, putting his nose in the air.
“Huh, but you—“
“Elementary, my dear Twilight,” Discord said, a deerstalker hat appearing on his head. “You, of all ponies, should know that having a draconequus solve a mystery is preposterous. Have you ever read a mystery with a discombobulated protagonist?”
“Uh…no…”
“Exactly.”
“If you aren’t solving the mystery, who is? And why are you here?” Twilight was losing her temper. The other ponies were losing their interesting in the situation, except for Pinky Pie, who listened adamantly.
“If anyone is solving a mystery around here, it should be a little old lady,” Discord stated.
Snap
Granny Smith appeared.
“Gol fang this medication is makin’ me hal-lucy-nate ah-gain.”
“With a cat,” Discord added.
Snap
Opalescence fell from the ceiling, landing on her feet with claws out and fur ruffled, then ran in circles, over seats and ponies, flying over the deserts until she stopped in the middle of the crowd to wash her tail as if nothing had happened.
“And she should have OCD and psychic abilities.”
Snap
“Oh, my…This here hotel is filthy. Apple Jack, start cleanin’!”
“Uh…Granny.”
“Don’t you sass me! Scoot.”
“Yes, Granny.”
“Now, I’s a sense that one o’ ya’ll is gonna die soon. My bet is it gonna be the tall one with the funny-looking glasses.”
No pony wore glasses. Everypony sighed with relief.
“Oh, and there should be a romantic interest to help when the plot lags.”
Snap
When the large, muscular, red work horse appeared, more than one voice said, “Ewwwwww.”
“What? You have a problem with cougars?” Discord defended. “I bet if it were an old stallion with a young mare—“
“That’s mah brother!”
“Oh! Really? You ponies all look the same except different colors.”
Snap
Big Mac disappeared, replaced by a white stallion with a blue mane.
“Shining Armor!”
“Twily?”
“You know him?” Everypony looked to Twilight.
“He’s my big brother.”
“You have a brother?”
“Yes, he’s a—“
“Nuh-uh,” Discord interrupted, shoving his chicken claws in Twilight’s mouth. “I know you have this whole song and dance number about it, but it’s not happening. Save it, sister.”
Granny Smith eyed Shining Armor. “Hubba hubba. This ha-lucy-nation is better than the one where ah become an ally-corn.”
Shining Armor whinnied worriedly.
Somepony shuddered at the imagine.
Twilight could feel a headache coming. “Discord, what does all this have to do with who ate the cake?”
“I’m setting up the scene, dear Twilight. You, of all ponies, should appreciate the proper way a story is told.”
“Well…yeah. But is all of this necessary?”
“Yes.”
“Even the pineapple?”
Everypony turned to the two-hundred pound pineapple sitting at the rear of the train car. It waved at them and turned a page of its newspaper.
“Absolutely.”
“Fine,” Twilight relented. “Are you done with setting up?”
“Yes, but only because the Mystery Machine is copy-written, which I find a crime in itself since it would have added to the alliteration.”
“MMMM,” Pinky Pie said sadly, gazing at the cake.
“Exactly.” Discord took off his deerstalker and placed it on Granny Smith’s head. “Go ahead, grandma. Do your thing.”
“Uh…Am I supposed to help or something?” Shining Armor asked.
“No. Just stand there and look pretty. You’re just eye candy.”
Shining snorted indignantly. He didn’t go into the royal guard service to be eye candy. Well…maybe a little.
“What am I doin’ ah-gain?” Granny asked as the deerstalker plopped over her eyes.
“Solve the mystery of the masticated cake,” Discord said, turning the elderly pony in the right direction.
“Ah can’t have cake. Mah doctor saez sugar will kill me,” Granny complained.
“As will everything else at your age, but we must continue on,” Discord said, magicking a magnifying glass and holding it up to Granny’s face. “Now you must look for clues, gather the suspects, and try not to get murdered.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Twilight grumbled. “Oh, forget this. Pinky, come with me.” She had to pull on her friend’s tail to get her to move.
“Hmmm,” Granny said, eyeing the cake. “Somethin’ is wrong with this dee-sert.”
“Are you sure it’s not a cataract?” Discord asked.
“Perty sure.”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Somepony has done taken a bite out o’ it.”
By that time, even Discord was rethinking that this plan wasn’t working out as well as he thought.
“I know who the suspect is!” Twilight announced, bursting in from one of the other train cars, followed by Pinky Pie. “Or rather…suspects.”
“You mean more than one pony committed the crime?” Pinky Pie gasped. “How dare you. All of you. For attacking a poor, innocent cake.”
“Not everyone is guilty, Pinky,” Twilight said, pushing the irate earth pony away. “Just three.”
A few ponies shifted in their guilty hooves.
“First, I found…”
“Yes, yes, let’s get this last part over with. I’ve seen it before,” Discord pushed in. “You found a blue feather, which obviously belongs to Rainbow Dash.”
“I-I don’t even like cake,” Rainbow Dash said, looking around nervously.
Discord continued, “And you found a set of fake eye-lashes which obviously belong to Rarity, blah, blah, blah.”
Rarity hid behind her mane. “Those could belong to anypony.”
“How is this even a thing?” Discord said, pushing aside Rarity’s hair to show her right eye sans eye-lashes. “I mean, do you pluck them or did you lose them in an accident? What happened?”
Rarity, looking flustered under the interrogation, broke down crying and ran away.
“That always seems to work for her, doesn’t it?” Discord observed. “Welp, that’s everything. Good job, everypony. We found the culprits. Time to go home. Wow, is this train slow? Isn’t Canterlot, literally, just next door to Ponyville?”
“Wait just a moment, Discord,” Twilight said. “I found one more piece of evidence pointing to a third cake-eater. It just so happens to be a hair the color of—“
Fluttershy looked nervous. She bit her lip.
“Now hold on just a second,” Discord said, plucking the long, pink hair out of Twilight’s levitation spell. “Before you start accusing ponies because of the color of their mane, let’s have this analyzed to be sure.”
Snap
A large machine filled up most of the remaining space in the train car.
“Behold, the spectro-ectum-nuclear-anti-ecto-izer. It’ll narrow down the last suspect with DNA in only a few seconds,” Discord announced.
“That doesn’t sound scientifically possible,” Twilight criticized.
“Oh, it totally is,” Discord defended, putting the hair in the machine. “Computer, analyze. And fire photon torpedoes, just in case.”
The computer beeped and bopped for a few seconds before printing out a piece of paper. Something exploded in the distance.
Discord ripped away the paper and read the results. “Aha, as I suspected. This strand of hair belonged to somepony we would never have suspected.”
Snap
The large machine disappeared.
“Who?” Twilight Sparkle demanded.
“If we had jumped to conclusions based on mane color, we would have suspected the wrong mare,” Discord said, pacing around the train car.
“But it’s pink,” Twilight Sparkle said, her eyes falling on Fluttershy. “There’s only one pony here with a pinky mane.”
“That’s what she wanted you to think,” Discord said, looking triumphant. He marched over to the door leading to the next train car. “But she didn’t count on me being here. Our third suspect is none other than…” He threw open the door. “…Princess Celestia!”
Celestia was indeed on the other side of the door, looking bewildered. Her mane was askew as if she had been forced onto the train, and cake and icing splattered her face and coat, as if somepony had shoved the desert in her face.
“Cake stealer!” Pinky Pie shouted, pointing at the princess of the sun.
“What is going on here?” Princess Celestia said, stumbling toward Twilight Sparkle. “Why am I so sticky? Twilight, where am I? I was in the castle a while ago.”
Three clones of Discord appeared, all dressed in police uniforms, one with a long, handle-bar mustache and a sheriff’s badge. Sheriff Discord asked, “You want me to throw this one in the clink?”
“Make it so,” Discord said with a nod.
“What?!” Celestia screamed as Sheriff Discord cuffed her forelegs behind her back. “Discord, have you been messing with the time continuum again?! You better let me go. I didn’t steal any cake. I’m innocent. Discord!”
“So I guess those rumors about Celestia and cake ARE true,” Pinky Pie said. “The cake IS a lie.”
Twilight Sparkle glared at Discord. “Let her go. I’m pretty sure you framed her.”
“Oh, then how about we ask her accomplice?” Discord wondered, turning to Rainbow Dash. “If you tell the truth, you won’t suffer the same fate.”
Rainbow Dash felt sweat running down her face. “You know, now that I think about it, I’m sure I saw a…alicorn…ish…shape around the same time I took a bite out of the cake.”
“There you go,” Discord said, giving Twilight a big grin. “Case solved. Disaster averted. And best of all, no innocent ponies were accused in the process.” He gave Fluttershy a slow, exaggerated wink.
Fluttershy smiled nervously and slowly backed away.
At that exact moment, the train pulled into Canterlot station. The pineapple exited first, whistled. Discord’s platypus gnawed on Apple Jack’s tail.
“Well, it’s my stop. I must get off,” Discord said, saluting. He opened his communicator. “Beam me up, Scotty. And don’t leave anything behind.”
As Discord disappeared, the three other bakers slowly tip-toed away with their confection creations, glad to be away from this insane asylum called the Friendship Express.
***
Discord zapped back to the Chaos Dimension, feeling quite smug. After all, one of the things Fluttershy regretted from her past was lying and deceiving Pinky Pie after taking a bite of the cake. She claimed it was selfish and debase of her to give into temptation, but really it was Pinky Pie’s fault. How was a pony to react to cake seduction?
“I’m going to check up on Fluttershy,” Discord said with glee. “Now that she doesn’t have that black mark on her permanent record of cake stealing, she must be quite grateful.”
As he zapped to Fluttershy’s treehouse, he didn’t notice how quiet it was. If he looked around, he might have noticed how the leaves weren’t as green, that the grass was dead surrounding the tree, and there were no animals frolicking or napping or any animals at all.
He knocked on the door. When there was no answer, he opened the door, peeking in. “Fluttershy? Are you home?”
All the shutters were closed; darkness blanketing the house. Something creaked, and a shadow scampered from one side of the room to the other.
“Did I forget that today is Nightmare Night?” Discord asked the empty space, coming farther in. He knew that he should be afraid, or at least concerned about everything, but it just didn’t feel right.
“Dissssssssscorrrrrrrrrd,” a voice hissed.
“Fluttershy? Are you okay? You’re not hurt are you?” Discord stepped all the way in. The door slammed behind him.
“Dissssscorrrrrrrd,” the voice hissed again, closer this time.
Snap
Discord summoned a flashlight, turned it on, and found Fluttershy standing uncomfortably close to him, her mane covering her face. Her wings had feathers askew, her coat was dirty, and her mane and tail were covered in cobwebs. He was aware that the house smelled of sour milk and something burning.
“Oh, there you are Fluttershy,” he said, trying to ignore the smell and the state Fluttershy was in. “Um…did you redecorate?”
“I did,” Fluttershy said, her voice muffled under her mane. “I did it for you.”
He scanned the room with the flashlight. Written in red paint—at least he hoped it was red paint—and scratchy, bold letters, words covered the walls, saying, “LIES,” “YOU LIED FOR ME,” “MY LIFE IS A LIE,” and “THE CAKE IS ALL A LIE.”
“Ooooooh. I did not expect this,” Discord said, realizing that perhaps messing with time might be a bad idea.
Fluttershy’s neck twisted as if she were trying to pop the joints. She leaned back, her mane brushing out of her face. Red paint—again, he hoped it was red paint—was splattered across her face. Around her eyes, dark circles sunk into the sockets, her pupils and irises shrunk to almost nothing.
She smiled. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“Nope,” Discord said, turning around and trying the door. It was locked. Worse, something stopped him from using his magic.
“Sssssstay, Dissssscorrrrrrd,” Fluttershy hissed, raising a hoof. She held Angel. He was also splattered with…nope, that wasn’t red paint. “You need to keep all my liesssssss.”
Discord screamed. Celestia was right. He shouldn’t have messed with the time continuum.