Fancy Pants sighed into his hooves as he looked at the enchanted letter on his desk. He let his eyes trail over the books in his library before he looked at the letter again. “Honorable Noble,” he read aloud, “Humble Lord, indeed. We request funds,” he grumbled and then skipped to the center of the letter to scoff. “...foalnap the colt…”
Using his magic, Fancy Pants moved the letter to the fireplace and set it ablaze. “I cannot fathom the depths of their stupidity. Why, after being so clear, would they insist, in writing, that I endorse the taking of a child from anypony?”
Fleur des Lis sighed. “Mon amore, it is ze trappings of ze rich un fancy to stay zeir positions. Zis… Aquelis… oui? He is different, ze change nopony expected, non?”
Fancy Pants glared at the mare. “Do you mind?”
Fleur giggled. “Fine, darling. For moi stallion, I will tone back my accent, you are too sensitive, my love.”
“That is besides the point,” Fancy stomped a hoof onto the floor. “Too much is at risk with our group maintaining law and order at the borders of the nations, and adding in these fools and their private plans…”
Fleur stood up and stepped to her stallion as he contemplated his options. “Zey are not your foals, let them make their mistakes. Simply, clean up after they make zeir mess, oui?”
Fancy Pants grumbled and shook his head. “No, I cannot allow them to continue. This is Canterlot, not Saddle Arabia or the lawless south. I will write to my agents and have them talk, most sternly, with these overly-thoughtful ponies. I’ll be buried before I let some upstarts ruin all we’ve accomplished.”
Fleur nuzzled him. “I would expect no less from such a fine stallion, mon ami.”
…
It was lunchtime and Snickers sat at the table with a plate in front of him. He glanced at Cress, who was a bit more shy with less ponies around her as she nibbled on a piece of fish jerky. He looked hungrily at the salad, topped with a chicken breast, and grasped a fork in his hoof before raising it, ready to satiate the growing hunger in his belly.
“Snickers, my little princey-wincey!” Rarity called as she galloped into the dining room. The afternoon sun highlighted her nearly white coat and seemed to make her brighter as she wrapped her son in a hug. “Oh, I’ve missed you so. I didn’t receive a message last night from you and was slightly worried.
Blueblood sat at the end of the table with a mare by his side, gently rubbing something against the tip of his horn. “Ah, Miss Rarity, it is good to see you.”
“Oh, Blueblood,” Rarity said, flatly. “I wondered where you went.”
Blueblood held a glass in his hooves and glanced at the mare tending to his horn. “I teleported with the rest when Auntie cast us out. I cannot teleport as well as the others, but when Auntie has that tone…” he sipped his drink and sighed, going silent to let himself be nursed.
Rarity rolled her eyes and focused on Snickers, picking up where she left off. “Seeing who you’ve chosen to have lunch with, though,” she pulled back from the hug so she could wink at Snickers, “I can certainly see why you were distracted. And, oh my… is this a new friend?”
Rarity let Snickers go and stood up with a flounce of her mane. “Do forgive me, darling. Where are my manners? I am Lady Rarity, but you can call me Rarity,” she slightly looked down her muzzle at Cress, who looked at her plate again, poking a cherry tomato with her fork.
“I… I’m Cress, ma’am.”
“Cress? What might that be short for? Um, I mean no offense if you have a different naming scheme than us normal ponies,” Rarity covered her mouth. “Not that you’re not normal, darling.”
Celestia stood over Rarity and answered for Cress. “No, Rarity; thestral’s have the same naming scheme as us, to answer your question. Little filly, what is your full name?”
Cress lifted her bowed head and met Celestia’s eye for a second, then looked at her plate again. “W-watercress, but everypony calls me C-cress.”
“There you have it, Rarity. And, now, Aqu- Snickers has a new friend; at the least?”
Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara shouted ‘No!’ at the same time, spitting half a mouthful of food onto the table. They blushed and covered their mouths while servants used magic to clean up the mess and dispose of a plate of sliced eggs and onions.
Cress looked aside and seemed to find her juice the most interesting thing in the room as she blushed, too. “N-no, your majesty of the day. I j-just met him. I can’t, and don’t want, a relationship with him.”
“Good,” Silver and Diamond chorused as they swallowed their food.
Diamond reached for her water and said, “He’s our stallion, and you can’t join our herd without us all talking about it first.”
“Besides,” Silver said, “you just met us an hour ago, don’t go moving so fast.”
“I’m not!” Cress shouted at the fillies. “I just got here, how can you think I’m so desperate for a mate that I’d fall for the first stallion I met? What kind of filly do you take me for?!”
“Sheesh,” Silver said, sitting back in her seat, “like, you don’t have to be so serious about it. I was just worried, can you blame us?”
Cress blinked and looked back to her plate as the adult mares focused their attention on Snickers.
Celestia cooed at Snickers. “Awe, my little star is in a herd of his own. I’m so proud of you.”
“My little prince is growing up so fast.”
“My little star is gonna give me lots of grand foals, I hope,” Celestia’s gaze met Rarity’s.
“My little prince is going to marry his first filly next year, right?” Rarity asked while challenging Celestia with her tone of voice.
“My little star--”
“My little Prince--”
Snickers’s blush was noticeable to him at this point, so he shouted, “Enough! No more! I can’t take this, and it’s only been fifteen seconds! I’m tired, I’m hangry, I’m embarrassed, and I want to have sex more than ever! I don’t have Kiwe’s potion, so can you just leave me the fiddlesticks alone and let me eat my pencil-loving lunch?!”
Both mares had stepped back, slightly ashamed at their behavior. Neither spoke, instead glancing around the room to occupy their time while Snickers huffed. Finally, Rarity cleared her throat. “Um, about you being in the mood for physical affection?”
“Oh, stuff it,” Snickers said, “I wanna scramble some eggs and milk her toast for all the cream in the realm!”
He hopped from the chair and galloped from the room. Rarity, Silver Spoon, and Diamond Tiara rushed to watch him race to his room, then slam the door. They all looked between one another and giggled.
“It seems he’s nearing his first ejaculation,” Celestia commented between giggles. “You fillies had best be cautious, or you know what will happen.”
Silver and Diamond blushed, meeting eyes and smirking. “I wouldn’t be against the idea,” Silver Spoon said, tugging her braid.
Diamond scuffed the floor with a whimsical smile and a swish of her tail. “He’s the only colt I wanna be with, so… yeah.”
Rarity looked down at the fillies, her mirth changing to a slight frustration. “You shouldn’t pressure him into such things; you know full well the power you have over him in the first place, more so when he’s in this state.”
The fillies giggled and both tails flagged, pressed back down by Celestia’s magic. “Let’s go back to eating and leave this matter to rest.”
…
Snickers slammed the door to his room with a solid buck that startled him. He rushed to the alchemy set by the wall and grabbed a bottle he recognized. He grabbed the mortar and pestle and poured some of the concoction into the stone recess, then began to add other ingredients he’d seen Kiwe use.
“I gotta get this right… I can’t wait this out, I need this to make it go away. Why can’t that colt come back? He’s so head over hooves,” Snickers coughed as a pink cloud misted from the potion, “that he can’t even help a brother out?”
Finally, the last ingredient was added and he moved the contents to a small pot, then added some water from a nearby jug and stirred it like he’d seen Kiwe do a dozen times. A minute passed, then Snickers lifted the pot to his lips and drank it all down with a burp when he was done.
He hiccupped, then burped. “Okay, I think…” he heard a horn sound from everywhere that made four notes, each lower than the last. “Uh-oh…” Snickers hiccupped and his vision turned blurry, then refocused to show him he was lifting off the floor. His stomach cramped and he burped again, each burp raising him higher into the air until he was resting on his side on the ceiling, sliding up the slope slowly.
“Well, nutty fudge creamsicles.”
…
Laxxie’s head shot up and she got to her hooves. “Daddy?!” She called and raced from Luna’s side, barely bothering the sleeping mare. The timberpony ran up the stairs and began scratching at the door.
A nearby guard moved to open it and grimaced once he had. “Grugh, what’s that awful stench?”
“Daddy?”
The guard looked in and looked around, seeing nothing out of place, walked in with Laxxie. A belch reverberated around the room, drawing both sets of eyes up. “Your Highness? You can fly?!
The announcement brought all attention to the guard and Laxxie, who was standing under Snickers. “No,” Snickers waved a bloated foreleg, “don’t tell anypony! I just… ugh,” he burped again and seemed to inflate slightly. “I need some help.”
Diamond Tiara was the first in the room and gasped at her colt, resting with his back in the apex of the ceiling, slowly rotating in the breeze. “I asked for one single day!” She screamed and stormed from the room, bumping into Silver as she left.
Celestia looked at Snickers, now twice his normal size. “Alchemy?” She asked. When Snickers nodded, she looked to find the potion set and moved to it. “Hm, this is not something I’m very familiar with, but as long as you stay indoors the effect shouldn’t prove detrimental to you.”
“Snickers, get down here this instant. Do you have any idea what such weight gain will do to your-” she watched as his shirt shredded off of him and rained to the floor below. “-clothing. Honestly, what made you think this was a good idea; using magic you don’t understand?”
Snickers huffed, his voice becoming slightly deeper. “I didn’t plan for this! All I wanted was a potion to be less… in the mood.”
Celestia and Rarity sighed and sat down with Silver walking under Snickers to look up at him.
“Are you okay up there? Can I do anything to help?” Rarity asked, then turned her attention to Laxxie as the little wooden pony began to nose Rarity’s ticklish ribs. “Bah, Laxxie? Go help Diamond Tiara stay calm. Tut-tut, I’ll have no talk-back. That filly needs your help, okay.” Rarity said and pulled a small clump of dirt from a jar in her saddlebag to give to the wooden pony as a treat.
Laxxie gobbled it down and nuzzled Rarity before looking up. “Bye, see you when you are not up there,” she happily said and pranced from the room.
“Now, then… what can we do to help?”
Snickers shook his voluminous head. “Nothing… well, maybe find Kiwe to help with his alchemy to fix me?”
Celestia’s horn flashed and sparkled, a second later a new mare appeared in the room, her white mane stood out against her burnt orange coat, catching every eye in the room. “...pinch of… Princess Celestia, do you know what you just interrupted?!” The mare gasped in shock. She looked around the room and blanched.
Celestia opened her mouth, then felt a slight tremble in the floor, clearly saddened for her little pony’s troubles. “Was it important?”
The mare glared at Celestia and wiped her right eye with her medical coat sleeve. “Very… or, it was. And my research notes were in the same room as that explosion. If they survived, I’ll be very surprised.”
Rarity grimaced. “What were you researching, if I may ask?”
“A new form of energy, for what it was worth. Now that I’m here; what can I do for you?” The mare asked with scorn, then looked up when a burp rattled the room. She gasped. “Sweet Celestia, that foal’s suffering from voluminal increasement via eructation! What caused this?”
“Doctor Hypothesis,” Celestia introduced the doctor to Rarity, then pointed with a wing to Snickers, “there’s an alchemy set by the wall over there, if that helps,” Celestia offered.
“Call me Hypo, Your Highness. This isn’t the first time I’ve asked that of you,” Hypo said as she walked to the setup and looked it all over. “This is a mess, who made… oh,” she rubbed her temple and groaned. “Colts, always doing what they shouldn’t. What mare owns this? How could she allow a colt to play with something so potentially dangerous?”
Rarity snorted hot air. “I’ll have you know that our,” she looked at Celestia, then back to Hypo, “son is, by far, one of the smartest foals in history.”
Hypo rolled her eyes and went back to the setup, then began to sniff the ingredients. She took a pair of glasses from her pocket and slid them onto her muzzle. “These shouldn’t even be available in Canterlot! This… this is ruby thistle wort… it isn’t even available for purchase in Equestria! Where’s this mare?!” Hypo asked loudly. “I need to meet her, she… oh, right,” she looked up again when another burp sounded. “I’d better get an antidote started before he pops.”
“What?!” Rarity shouted and Celestia gasped. “He’s going to explode?! Oh, my little prince? Whatever can we do?”
Hypo shook her head at the mares. “No, he’s not going to explode. All that air has to go somewhere, so it’s going to vacate from his colon, along with everything along its path. I’ve seen it, the mess isn’t pretty. We’d have to close the room for at least two days for cleanup,” she said with a shudder. “Poor Tumble… he spent three weeks healing after that.”
“I don’t wanna be sick for three weeks,” Snickers said from above.
Celestia flapped her wings and flicked her tail. “I would prefer not to see our son in the hospital so soon after he came to terms with so much. “
“Ugh, we have time. Just, keep him occupied while I work with what I have…” Hypo began to clean the set with her magic and more water from the jug. Taking several small vials, she checked them over and began to open them one by one, as needed, and mixed them with expert grace.
A minute later, Hypo was done and held up the pot to Celestia. “Give him this, quickly.”
Celestia took it in her magic and flew up to Snickers. “Here, my little star, drink up,” she said, offering him the pot. He reached for it, but rolled away when he moved. Celestia smiled and held him still and brought the drink to his lips.
He drank quickly until it was all gone, then hiccupped. “Thanks, mommy.”
Celestia placed a hoof to her chest plate with a wistful expression. “Of course, my little star. If there’s--” She grimaced and her mane blew back from the belch he released in her face. For seconds it went on, until he visibly began to shrink and quickly fell to the floor at an increasing velocity.
Rarity and Hypo caught him in their magic, lowering him to the bed before Celestia landed and used her magic to wipe her face. “Not once, in two hundred years, has a foal spit up on me… it’s something I do not miss, not even from my own child. Er, our child, Rarity.”
Rarity was checking Snickers over, looking at his legs and back. “No stretch marks or even flabby skin? Not that I’m complaining, but…”
“It’s just a potion, not nature. If he were to overeat and laze around, then he’d get fat and then more troubles than what you can see happen. No, he’s perfectly fine… except for why he’d do something so reckless!” Hypo spat at Snickers.
Snickers stood up on the bed. “Hey, cram it in your grommet! I just made a little mistake and nothing bad happened, okay?”
Hypo looked at the colt, then to Rarity. “Who is this colt and why is he so simple?”
“Hey, lady!” Snickers shouted and hopped off the bed. “I’m smarter than you on my worst day! Outta my way, I’ve gotta see to my herd.”
“Your Highness, you can’t just let this colt go without making him pay for his mistake somehow. If we treat colts with impunity, we’re looking at the future misanthropes of the world. From there, it’s only a step and hop to the next villain out to take over the world!”
Snickers was nearly to the mare when he stopped and looked up at her. “Lady, you’re as smart as a frog and twice as needy of a lick. Now, excuse me.”
“Woah, that’s completely uncalled for,” Hypo said, indignation in her tone. “Ladies, is this the foal you’ve raised? I presume this is some kind of adoption gone wrong, Your Highness,” she glared at Snickers below her, “this foal must go back to the orphanage at once.”
Snickers spat at her hooves. “Tickle a turtle, lady. I’ve got better things to do.”
“Like what?” Hypo began, only to be stopped by a glare from Rarity and Celestia.
Rarity sniffed to get Hypo’s attention. “This colt, I’ll have you know, is the smartest pony in the known world. He’s working with top minds to advance the world as we know it, what have you done lately, besides creating a fool of yourself just now?”
Hypo grit her teeth and her horn lit, calling in a blackboard with several equations on it. “This is from my office, I’ve been working on it for two weeks. It’s a formula for changing direct current electronics to this new alternating current. I’m working to disprove its viability, so if you’re so smart, you can disprove it for me.”
Snickers sneered. “You know, it was my idea to switch to the more effective AC, unless I skip it and go right to wave tech…” he said thoughtfully. “Whatever, give me that chalk,” Snickers demanded from the mare and went to the blackboard to grab the chalk in his mouth. He began writing a much more simplistic formula than Hypo had written out and with a couple images comparing the currents, he quickly proved the alternating current theorem.
Hypo had stood behind the board, snickering at Snickers’ ego and when he announced himself as done, she walked around, expecting senseless math and maybe some doodles. She first saw the proud faces of the mares, then she saw the board and her mouth dropped open. “Wha- but, this… you’re a colt! You’re not supposed to be… how?!”
Snickers spat the chalk at Hypo, who caught it in a fumbling magical grip. “See ya later, sweet flanks.”
Four nobles sat in a private library, sipping fine wine and picking hors d'oeuvres from a platter. “So, the leadership has offered resounding no’s to our requests?”
“Indeed.”
“Then what shall we do?”
“Go against his wishes?”
“Do as he instructs?”
The last noble was silent, even as attention shifted to her. Finally, she spoke. “I do not zee how we have un choice, non? Even by his side, I can offer no sway. Vee shall have Discord released to solve zis problem, oui?”
The other three nodded and refilled their glasses before clinking them together. “To the future,” they said in unison.
“Now, how are we going to do this? We can’t just go up to the statue and act crazy to wake him; the bloody thing was moved inside the castle to an unknown location.”
“Bribe of a guard?”
“You’ll be in jail before the offer is made. I say we foalnap one of the guard’s kin and use her as leverage. Even better if it’s a colt!”
“Bah, you un your foalnapping. A foal you are, oui? I say we convince the Princesses Discord can be reformed via spell to work on the side of good. Zat will free him to his own devices, including doing away with a colt he sees as trouble to ees, how do you say… mech’a’nations?”
“Oui! Um, I mean, I like that plan. Who else is on board?”
Three forelegs raised. “The ayes have it. Now, how to go about this task?”
“Zis is simple; we write a letter, being anonymous, for the reformation of criminals zat are, potentially, a great boon to our nation. Prance may be across ze ocean, but we are all Equestrians.”
“Hear-hear!”
“Aye.”
“Huzzah!”
The others looked at the mare. “What? I heard Princess Luna say it a few months ago…”
Kiwe sauntered into the room and stopped when he saw his alchemy set. “Who has used my mortar and pestle? Is this residue of thistle wort?! Snickers?!” Kiwe’s voice echoed through the room. Silver poked her head from the bathroom and hushed him. “I will not be silenced, this… this affront to my months of practice--”
“Like, can you just come in here. Diamond’s going pee and we’re just talking about the day. Oh, like, it’s been a crazy day, too. You can tell us more about what sex with a gyphoness is like, if you want.”
Kiwe nickered in frustrations, but cantered to the bathroom, ready to give Snickers a good talking to. When he entered the bathroom, he saw Silver Spoon behind the door, closing it behind him. Snickers was sitting on the floor while Diamond was finishing her business and was giggling at something Snickers had said, pressing a few more drops from her.
While unable to see her parts, he couldn’t help but imagine them; especially at times like these. The foals went silent when Kiwe walked in and they all sniffed the air, sensing pheromones that intrigued them. Kiwe’s blush was hidden under his coat, for the moment.
“So, that’s what a Gryphoness smells like?” Snickers asked and got up, moving quickly to poke his head under Kiwe to inhale. “Hm, salty and musty.”
Kiwe hopped aside. “I would thank you not to smell my love making.”
Silver snorted. “Predators are scary. I don’t see what you like about her.”
Kiwe hummed as he thought of the hen, then noticed Snickers leering at him. “What?”
Snickers blinked and looked away. “What? Nothing.”
Kiwe dismissed the comment, starting a short story and explanation about Gul and what he liked about her. While the fillies stood on the marble floor, practically enraptured by Kiwe’s explanation, Snickers let his eyes trail across Kiwe’s body. His chocolate colored coat, his black and white mane.
The zony’s toned hind legs and firm haunches made his eyes widen slightly, and as Snickers’s eyes moved, they quickly met Kiwe’s.
“Brother, why are you looking at me like that?” Kiwe asked, intrigued.
“Aquelis is gay! Snickers shouted and covered his mouth. The sound echoed in the room for a second, long enough for every foal to wonder what Snickers was talking about, himself included. “Look, I’m sorry, Kiwe, but a part of me is really attracted to you. You’re super hot, for a colt, and I’d love to wake up with those--”
“Okay, that’s enough,” Diamond said in a sing-song voice as she stepped between the colts. “Let’s get back to talking about sex, and anything that isn’t my stallion trying to bring a stallion into the herd.”
“Hey,” Snickers snapped. “I was about to say forelegs wrapped around me, keeping me safe. Why would that be an invitation to ask Kiwe to join us? Especially when he’s already got a lover.”
Kiwe nodded and looked between the fillies. “He is right, and please, don’t fight. I have been told of my many attractive traits, a little more is merely a compliment.”
Silver hummed. “Ya know, we’ve seen Snickers’s penis a ton, but we’ve never seen yours.”
Kiwe shook his head. “Neigh, you have gone so long, you will survive going longer still. As it happens, I am in need of a good washing, so if you’d like to join me…” he asked, glancing at Diamond with hope in his heart.
Everypony declined, but they all chose to stay in the room while he cleaned up. Kiwe took that moment to comment, “You know what’s great about being a stallion when it comes to sex?” Kiwe asked as he got into the hot water.
“You get your choice of mares?” Silver offered.
“You have so much power?” Snickers said.
“You don’t get cramps sometimes?” Diamond suggested.
Kiwe nodded at the suggestions. “Good points, however, I was going to say that cleanup is easy. Just a...” he shivered as he hooves worked under the surface, “...little wiping and… done.” He chuckled and ducked under the surface to scrub his fur and mane in the magic water.
Snickers nodded. “I bet it’s just as easy for fillies, right?”
Silver and Diamond laughed loudly. “Oh, there’s so much you just don’t know.” Diamond said between giggles.
“And I’m not gonna tell you,” Silver said.
Diamond held up a hoof for Silver to bump. “A mare has to keep some secrets, and you’re too young to know about that stuff.”
Snickers pouted. “Fine, but if you ever wanna talk about your… uh,” he gestured to their tails.
“Oh, you mean our pussies?”
“Barn doors?”
“Tunnels of love?”
“Foal holes?”
“Our--”
Snickers covered his ears and began to sing ‘la-la-la-la, can’t hear you, la-la-la-la’.
While Diamond and Silver giggled, Kiwe got out of the bath and smiled at how clean he looked and smelled. “Ah, a time to be in love is the greatest time of all.”
…
Snickers lay on a large cushion that Celestia had gifted his herd from her own bedroom. It smelled like her, and a small part of Snickers liked that fact. Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara sat side by side, reading their own magazines as pages turning were the only sound in the room.
“What do you think Mom’s doing?” Snickers asked, breaking the silence.
“Which one?” Silver asked. “You have, like, two, at least.”
Snickers pondered the question. “Good point. Well, how’s Diamond’s mom, Spoiled Rich?”
Diamond sighed. “She’s back home and fine. The night in jail did her good, at least to the point she didn’t fight going back to Ponyville.”
“I thought it was the dungeon,” Snickers asked.
“Whatever!” Diamond said and swatted Snickers’s foreleg.
“Ouch! Hey, I was serious about my mom; Rarity. What do you think she’s doing?”
Both fillies looked at one another, said, “Shopping,” and then giggled.
Snickers nodded in agreement. “Yup, that’s mom for ya. Um, I never got to ask, but how are you both feeling after everything that happened earlier? I mean, me passing out again…”
“I think that puts you at five,” Diamond commented.
Snickers nodded. “That’s about right. At least. At least my heart’s all better now.”
Both fillies nodded. “Yup, true. And as far as how I feel,” Diamond went silent for a few seconds. “I feel worried, but happy that you’re still you. Except you don’t swear anymore, and I liked that about you.”
Snickers cocked his head. “What do you mean? I’ve been doing that all day. It’s one of the only things I know I do right.”
Silver and Diamond looked between one another and sighed, looking at Snickers again. “Just, another weird thing that you’ll get over in a couple days, I bet,” Diamond said.
Silver giggled and twirled the end of her braid. “I dunno, I think it’s kinda cute how he’s swearing now. A lady doesn’t swear, afterall, but he’s not a lady.”
Diamond nickered. “Whatever, he’s more marelike than some stallions I know.”
Snickers smiled and relaxed, the sound of his fillies bickering comforting him in subtle ways. He wondered about many things, finally settling on one uncomfortable question he hadn’t had properly answered. Who is Discord?