Reality
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.
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I woke up slowly, and smacked my lips obnoxiously. I slowly sat up and groaned. I stretched my arms up over my head, and hummed softly. I scratched my sides as I slowly got up. I pulled the blinds up, and yawned as I looked out at the beautiful landscape. The rising sun lit up the Equestrian countryside, showing off pink, white, and other colors in an amazing rainbow of color.
It was something I could appreciate better once I had some coffee though. I shuffled off to the bathroom, disrobed, and turned on the water. It was cold... And only cold. It was annoying, but I grit my teeth and scrubbed off as fast as I could. I jumped out, brushed my teeth, and then got dressed. I headed to the kitchen, and pulled out my coffee maker. I pulled out the beans... And saw they had been replaced by jelly beans. I sighed, long and hard.
"Damnit Pinkie Pie," I growled. I put it all away, and pulled on my jacket. I put on my gunbelt and slid my Colt into its holster.
Hey, given how crazy this place can be, I'm always going to go around armed.
I walked out, yawning hard. I saw several ponies running by in fear, but I thought nothing of it. Ponies were naturally skittish, after all.
I made my way to Sugarcube Corner, intent on a cappuccino. Probably mocha, I needed some chocolate to add to the caffeine rush.
A line of bison in tutus danced by, twirling in perfect unison. I repressed a roll of my eyes: Clearly, a Pinkie Pie Prank or one of Twilight's spells had gone crazy again.
I stepped into Sugarcube Corner, rubbing my temples. A squadron of eclairs flew by, making airplane sounds. I ignored them, and tromped up to the counter.
"Yo! Mister or Mrs. Cake?" I called.
"Helloooo~!"
I blinked. A tall, thin entity was standing behind the counter. His face resembled a goat's, with one long, jagged fang poking down from his upper lip. His eyes were yellow, with red, mismatched pupils. He had mis-matched horns on his head, between which was a little paper hat fit for a barista. The rest of him was just as chaotic-he had a lion's arm for his right, and a bird's talon for the left. His legs were reptilian and equine. His tail resembled a dragon's, and he had two wings on his back-One bat like, the other feathery.
I blinked again.
"... I'll take a coffee, please," I said slowly. The being chuckled, and snapped his fingers. A Starbucks cup appeared in his lion paw, and he handed it over to me.
"Enjoy~!" He cried.
"But I didn't even tell you my order-" I began, but the entity shook his head.
"Cappuccino mocha, dark chocolate, with whip and chocolate sprinkles?" He asked. I nodded slowly.
"I guess I am kind of predictable," I admitted. I sipped it... And then immediately spat it out. I coughed loudly, and then clawed my tongue.
"AH! AUGH! What the hell did you do?!"
The being cackled.
"I switched it... To decaff!" He laughed uproariously.
"What the HELL?!" I shouted angrily. "Who the hell are you?!"
The begin grinned broadly, showing off many sharp teeth. He bowed in mock politeness.
"Hello, I'm Discord! The Spirit of Chaos! Pleased to meet you, Andrew Shepherd!" He leaned in close and studied me with suddenly very ancient eyes. Very cruel eyes.
"It's been so long since I last met a human," Discord said. "I never expected to meet one! But you're a nice bonus, I suppose, now that I've dealt with the Elements of Harmony!"
My blood went cold. I'd read a bit about ancient terrors of Equestria, and at the top of the list was Discord. A reality warper, and a cruel one by every measure.
"What did you do to them?" I asked, slowly, with forced calm. Discord grinned, and shrugged.
"Nothing fatal you brave little monkey, you!" He laughed. "Would you like to find out?"
He reached out, and extended one of his clawed talons. He snapped it out, fast as a snake, and tapped me in the center of my chest. I winced, expecting some kind of terrible magic to fill me and... And... And...
I slowly opened my eyes. Discord was looking just as confused. He poked me in the chest again, his bushy brows furrowed.
"Sorry, that usually works," he muttered. I was seized by sudden inspiration. Or impulse, I couldn't tell.
"Well, for men of your age, it's not uncommon," I replied, "six out of ten-"
Discord sneered, and reared back with an angry laugh. The walls turned purple and wobbled around us like Jell-O.
"Oho! So the monkey has jokes!" Discord said mockingly. "Well! Aren't you lucky? Getting hit by the Elements of Harmony twice has made you immune to my powers. But it's not going to last forever, boy!"
I thought about stepping backwards in fear. My legs nearly made the decision for me, but I kept it in check. If you're dealing with a reality warper, there's no where you can run. No where you can hide. You have to engage them with wits, not force.
"True," I said, "but let's be honest," I waved my hand out at the increasingly Candyland-like world outside, "it may be for the best that I'm not effected. I can be something you need."
Discord started, and leaned in. His face grew to truly enormous proportions as he eyed me in curiosity.
"Need? What would I ever need from you?" He asked skeptically.
I stuck my hands in my pockets, and turned around. I looked away from him, keeping my body language as casual as possible.
"Honest feedback," I replied.
Discord reappeared in his usual form, floating in front of me. The walls returned to their usual pallor and form, but numerous tea cups were now flying about on butterfly wings. The Spirit of Chaos studied me intently.
"Honest feedback?" He asked. I shrugged.
"I mean, all of this is quite chaotic, sure," I admitted, "but it's all rather... Samey."
Discord's eyes expanded like balloons, and popped in offense. He stuck new eyeballs back into his sockets like lightbulbs. I was only able to keep my cool thanks to hours upon hours of watching Looney Tunes and other cartoons.
"SAMEY?!" Discord demanded. "I am the Spirit of Chaos! The Lord of Disorder! The Master of Anarchy!"
"Yeah," I said, reaching up to scratch the side of my nose, "but let's be honest. If the human race can imagine things even more fantastic than a freaking god of chaos-"
"Ooh! God of Chaos, I like that a lot more!" Discord murmured.
"-Then maybe," I continued, "you need to step up your game. After all, a thousand years in stone? That may have made you a bit rusty."
"Rusty?!" Discord demanded, unhappy. I nodded.
"I mean... Half the things you've done," I said, pointing out the window, "look like stuff a six year old might think of. I mean, are those cotton candy clouds?"
"That rain chocolate milk!" Discord said, a bit defensively. I held out my hand and waved it around a bit, in a 'so-so' manner.
"That's not terrible," I said, "but it is rather... Uninspired." I sighed and shook my head. "I mean, it's still a cloud. It's still raining something. It's just made of the wrong thing and raining the wrong liquid, but it's still a cloud."
Discord hummed, looking thoughtful. He then smirked at me.
"I know what you're doing!" Discord said. He poked me in the nose, his expression smug.
"Hm? What?" I asked innocently.
"You're trying to get my guard down!" Discord laughed. "You're trying to find a weakness! Trying to figure out a means of beating me! Don't think I don't see right through you!"
I shrugged again.
"Maybe I am," I admitted. "Maybe there is a weakness. Maybe there is a way to defeat you. Maybe I'm just trying to survive. Or maybe, I'm just curious and want to see what a true master of reality bending can really do." I spread my hands out and smiled in as disarmingly a manner as I could.
"Maybe it's a combination of all three! Do you know for sure? If not then isn't that something... Interesting? Even something that might lead... To more chaos?"
Discord stared at me for a long moment. I wondered if he could read my mind. I began to play music in my head, whatever I could think of. The Spirit of Chaos threw back his head and laughed.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my! You are interesting, aren't you?" He mused. He leaned in and stroked his goatee. "I do wonder-How would you defeat me, hmm?"
He snapped his fingers, and we were suddenly on the bridge of the USS Enterprise-The original, complete with the familiar beeps and boops. I was in a Starfleet Gold uniform, with the bell bottom pants and black boots. Several ponies from around Ponyville were sitting at various stations and consoles, looking incredibly confused.
I looked up and saw Discord floating in front of me, dressed in a lavish green Victorian dandy's costume. The outfit of Trelane, naturally.
"Perhaps you'll try to outwit me? Find a being superior to me? My parents?" He asked with a chuckle. He snapped his fingers again, and we were on the Enterprise-D's bridge. I grunted as my uniform shifted to a tight, The Next Generation-era uniform in command red. I think my hair vanished too, and I was left bald. Several more ponies were in similar uniforms, at the ship consoles, and still very confused.
Discord was now in the judge's outfit Q had favored in many a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode. He floated just above the deck, his arms spread out dramatically.
"Or maybe you'll try to appeal to my better nature? Reason your way through to my heart?" He cackled. I hummed, and thought back to my favorite Trek captain and series.
The surroundings changed, to the open, gothic architecture of Deep Space Nine. Quark's Bar, to be more exact. My uniform shifted to the DS9 jumpsuit, still command red, as Discord looked around in confusion, as the ponies were now in a circle around us.
"Actually? I'm a Sisko fan, motherfucker!" I shouted, before I reared back and punched the shocked Spirit of Chaos right in his giant nose!
It actually connected, and sent him tumbling to the hard deck. The ponies around me cheered, a few exchanging stacks of golden bits. Discord looked up in shock at me, crumpled on the deck. The spirit worked his jaw.
"You hit me!" He cried. "Celestia never hit me!"
I spread my hands out in a wide shrug.
"I'm not Celestia," I stated slowly. Discord then grinned widely.
"Indeed not. You're much easier to provoke! How lucky for me!" He snapped his fingers and Ponyville returned to normal... Relatively. The dabo table and the bar were still in place, and now several bison, griffins and ponies were gambling around it. Discord hummed thoughtfully, in a way I really didn't like.
"Perhaps I have gone a bit soft! Perhaps I do need a bit of... Constructive criticism!" Discord said. He snapped his fingers and I yelped as I was put into a man-sized birdcage. I grabbed onto the bars and held on, as Discord floated me up in front of his now gigantic face.
"And you're just the captive audience to provide it!" Discord cackled. I let out a long sigh.
"Lucky me," I muttered.
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