//------------------------------// // Fooling yourself // Story: Johns // by Cackling Moron //------------------------------// The plan was this, or something like this: My schedule (such as it is, if it can even be called that) is due to have me going back to Canterlot in a few days, to go and take up space there and bother Celestia. Until then I was going to stick with Twilight, stick with the lessons, get my eye in. And when I wasn’t doing that I was going to start having a sneaky peek at some of those fancy tomes of hers. She’d given me carte blanche to peruse her selection, after all, so why not? I doubt she’d had the ones I had in mind, uh, in mind but there you go. I’d get Spike to point them out to me, he’d probably know. Could I even read them? Hum. Hmm. As much as I might like to shit on myself - and I like to do that a lot - I’d actually made a smidgen of progress with Twilight’s lessons, something I put wholly down to her being wonderful and not to any particular effort on my part. Lovely girl, Twilight. The upshot being that I probably could give a fair shake at reading books above a child’s level, now. If I checked the notes I’d made during those lessons, obviously, and if I went slow. And if I skipped a few of the words I just didn’t know. And if I was happy with vaguely understanding what was written down instead of exactly understanding. But still! Progress! Right? Right. So I was optimistic about my chances of gleaning something useful from these thick volumes of eldritch, arcane lore. Learning something about the nature of magic itself and how it worked here, about multiple universes and how to get from one to the next, or at least how to send a letter from one to the next. Getting a reasonable grasp on all that. All in the few days I had remaining before I went back. The step after that was hazy, but the step after that step was clear: send letter to father telling him I’m fine and happy in vague terms, draw a line under the whole thing, live happily  ever after. That was the plan. The plan wasn’t good. I’m fully aware the plan isn’t good. Given my meagre goals - sending a letter! I only wanted to send a letter. One letter - there were dozens of better ways of going about it. Scores, probably. Whatever is higher than a score. Lots, is the point, but I was sticking with the bad plan that shut out any possibility of outside help and most chance of success. Because… Oh I don’t know. A simmering cauldron of reasons. Some I’d already gone over. That nagging sensation that just going and running to Celestia or Twilight about it was somehow not what I should do. Because it was a cop out, for one. Feels like dusting my hands of the thing, just palming it off. I know I know that it’s okay to ask for help, I know that. But I know that’s not what’ll happen here. It’ll just get plucked out of my hands completely because I’m inept, so they’ll end up doing all of it, whatever it turns out to require. And I’ll just sit on the sidelines with my thumb up my arse feeling useless. Mean, I am useless, but at least if I’m wasting time I feel less useless. Keeps me distracted. So that’s one reason. And for another if I did bring it up to them then they’d probably think that I was heavily invested in the results of the plan, then they’d probably put effort into seeing me succeed. Pulling out the stops because they thought that I really wanted things to work, thinking that I’d be put out if it didn’t. Going to all that trouble because of me!  Oh God! It hardly bears thinking about! Mean, there’s no guarantee it’s even possible in the first place, is there? Who knows! Maybe there is no way back home for me or for letters to my father! Maybe what got me here was a one-off! Maybe that’s it! Maybe I’m here for good!  But how long might it take to find that out if they got started on it? Would me bringing it up have Twilight and Celestia toiling away at this for years only to find out in a couple of decades it’s impossible? The wasted time! And they’d think they’d failed me! They’d be so sad! For me! I know that’d happen! Oh God! Then again could turn out to be eminently possible and only take a weekend. Who knows! But that’s not a roll of the dice I want to take, not with them, even if I know they’d be more than willing. Especially because I know they’d be more than willing. Is this making any sense to you? To me? Am I convinced? This way at least it’s only my time I’m wasting. And what if they think it’s because I want to go back? What if they start to think I’m unhappy here? What if they think that me wanting to send a letter is just me being too coy to ask to get sent back myself? What if the seeds of doubt get sown and they forever worry that I’m only here for their sake or something? Oh God. Oh God. Oh God! There’s just too much! And that’s not even getting into dad! What if years have passed back home somehow? What if he’s dead? What if everyone’s dead? What if time hasn’t passed at all? What if it’s been seconds? I don’t know! That’s a whole other layer of stuff I don’t know! I’m buried beneath layers of things I don’t know! And normally that’s fine but right now it’s horrifying! There’s so many things I could do wrong! There’s so many things I probably am doing wrong! Right now! Right this instant! Oh God! Can you imagine how much worse this conversation would be if anyone else was involved?! So no, no. No. No no. Just me. Just me. Win or lose by myself on this one. No-one else has to worry. Only I have to worry. And I’m not worried. I’m just doing what I think is best, even if I know it’s probably the worst. It’s fine. So that’s the plan.  And that’s why I’m sitting here in the library portion (well, one of the library portions, there were several) of Twilight’s fancy castle, squinting at a book line by line and taking notes. Spike had indeed helped me, pointed me right to what I asked for. Solid lad, Spike. No questions at all. And I’m taking these notes and I’m checking my own notes on how to read in the first place and I’m starting to get a headache when this soft weight flumphs right onto my back, out of bloody nowhere, purple legs going over my shoulders and around my neck. “Whatcha doin’?” “Gah!” Ponies! Always sneaking up on me! All of them! All the time! Maybe I’m the problem?! Anyway. That would be Twilight, flying in judging by the angle, latching onto me from behind. Scared the bloody life out of me she did, she’d as bad as Celestia. At least she doesn’t seem to do it on purpose. “Light reading,” I said. First thing I could manage to think of to say. “‘Light’ reading?” She said with the cutest of cute chuckles. “These don’t look that light. Actually - why are you reading about magic?” She asked, all trace of the cute chuckle quickly having dried up once she’d actually seen what it was I was leafing through. Quick! Think of something that isn’t true but also isn’t an outright lie! “Oh you know, idle curiosity.” Twilight detached herself and flapped around to come in beside me, giving the array of books I was working from a painful level of attention. Maybe I’d got greedy. “These aren’t really idle curiosity books,” she said, giving me a sideways look. A sideways look that seemed to be coming dangerously close to suspicious. Quick! Think of another lie! I mean, think of another angle on the truth! “You got me there, Twilight. Alright, well, fine, it’s just a little thing - stupid really - but the other day I was thinking about you lot and all your magic and stuff and I thought to myself that it might be, you know, good if I could, uh, do that too. Stupid, like I say, but here we are.” Technically you could argue that wanting to know how to send a letter through dimensions is wanting to learn how to use magic, so really I am telling the truth. Twilight’s sideways look before a front-on look. “You’re trying to learn magic?” She asked, puzzled with a blink, head tilted just a little. “Yes?” I said, seeing how it landed. Twilight continued to look more confused than anything else. Could have been worse. “Didn’t you say that there was no magic in your world?” She asked. I had a feeling the word ‘magic’ was going to feature a lot in my immediate future. “If there was I never saw it, that’s for certain,” I said. Home had always seemed a pretty sterile, uninspiring place to me, devoid of tangible magic. Sure, we could always wave our hands at a rainbow and wax lyrical about how magical it was, but waving our hands around and shooting rainbows from our fingertips never happened. At least not that I saw.  Maybe magic had always been lurking around the corner? Maybe there was tonnes of it just inches away, waiting for me to fiddle around with it if only I’d known the surprisingly simple methods involved? Maybe everyone else was in on the joke except for me? Maybe magic just wanted to avoid me personally? Wouldn’t surprise me a whole lot, that last one. Twilight shifted. This I saw her do out the corner of my eye. “So, um, can humans even - I mean, how would you know if can - can you even, um...” She was being delicate here, I could tell. Or trying to be. How does the man who’s never shown so much as a hint of even academic sorcerous aptitude - from a world with no magic or (let’s be open-minded) so little magic as to find it very thin on the ground indeed - expect to start doing this? How does he even expect to be able to at all? Good questions, honestly. Probably should have thought of that earlier. Oops. Oh well! Too late no! Committed. “Never know until you try, Twilight. Maybe coming here will trigger some latent potential I never knew I had! This time next year could be a wizard! I had the robes for it. Still do, somewhere. And it’s something to do, isn’t it?” I said.  Twilight did not not appear especially convinced by any part of this. “I guess…” She looked quietly thoughtful for a moment but then brightened up considerably as a thought plainly occurred to her. The sight of her brightening up considerably managed to brighten me up, albeit not considerably. But still, a little bit!  She just looked so bloody cute! “If it works - if you can - then I can teach you!” Her cuteness then dipped ever-so-slightly into self-aware bashfulness, therefore making it even more cute! Almost too cute! She was even self-consciously rubbing the back of her head! Gah! How can a man stand against such sights? “That’s if you’re not sick of me teaching you, heh…” Oh Twilight! “Would never have thought of going to anyone else. And you’re a wonderful teacher, Twilight. I could never get sick of you,” I said, giving her a ruffle and one of those scratches behind the ears all of these ponies seemed to enjoy so much. Certainly did the trick, perked her right up it did. She even went all red again! God she really is the picture of adorable. I could just devour her tip to tail. Her spirits buoyed, Twilight flapped in from beside me to come to standing on my lap (without even asking! Such boldness), forehooves resting on the edge of the table I was using, the better to see what it was I was doing. I was left staring at the back of her head. “Theoretical Dimensional Theory? That’s kind of getting ahead of yourself, isn’t it? Not even sure how that’d be relevant...” Hoiking her up by the forelegs I turned her in place so she was now facing me, something she took with a good level of grace all things considered. “I’m rather taking this at my own pace, just feeling things out. Probably pulled out a few books I shouldn’t have but right now I’m just sort of seeing if anything’s ringing any bells, you know?” I said. Kind of true. I expected more of a pushback on that but instead all I got was a blink and then a big smile. “Okay! If you need any help at all just ask me, alright? Anything at all! Are we still having another reading lesson later? If you’re doing this maybe you don’t need to anymore...” “I’ll take all the help I can get on the reading, Twilight, so I shall most certainly see you later, yes,” I said. The smile got bigger somehow! “Great!” Then I got a hug! A proper one this time, not one from behind and around the neck. This time I got to hug back, right proper. Twilight is an excellent size for hugging. Don’t get me wrong, Celestia’s clearly the best - clearly! - and if I could get away with it I’d happily end my days latched onto her, but there is a lot to be said for hugging someone of Twilight’s size. Portable! And you can really get the arms around and squeeze good. And she’s so warm! Oh! It’s lovely! Wait, wasn’t there that fish where the male latches onto the female and eventually just atrophies away into a pair of testicles or something? Bah, I ruined the hug now. And then it broke. Twilight looked happy though, so it wasn’t all bad. “Well, I’ll leave you to it! And see you later, John,” she said. Then, after a moment’s consideration, she gleefully went in for another hug. Oh! Greedy girl, Twilight! Lovely, but greedy. For hugs. Not that I’m complaining! Second one was even better than the first! Once the second broke she hopped off my lap, gave me a last, linger smile and then trotted off away again. Lovely girl, Twilight. I watched her go. And once I was sure she was properly gone I put my face in my hands. See! See how eager she’d been to offer help? This is what I’m talking about. She’d be there like a shot if I asked her for help with what I’m actually doing. Her and Celestia also. Hell, any of them would! All of them would! They’d probably all want to pitch in together! They’re all like that here! That’s why the plan is important. I think. I’m starting to lose track. I rub my face a bit, to see if it makes things better. It doesn’t, really. “You know, most people probably don’t have these sorts of problems. Most people probably don’t have a clear view of what it is they want to do and then arbitrarily brick themselves off from actually doing it. Most people are probably a lot more on top of things than you are,” I said into my palms. Yes well yes well yes well. Most people aren’t me. Lucky them. But! I get to cuddle ponies. So lucky me! Now, back to the plan, back to poring over these books I can barely read, taking notes that are probably wrong and chipping away at a problem that better minds than me might not even be able to solve anyway. I think this word means ‘reality’. I think. Maybe? No, wait, no it doesn’t. It means something else completely. I think it’s an adjective. Or a number. This is going great.