I Blame You

by Whitestrake


The Morning After (Part 2)

You know that feeling of dread and impending doom you get when you see a cop's lights in your rearview? That's what walking into any police station is like for me, whether I'm being locked up or not. Just something about the uniforms, guns, and the proximity to criminals makes me antsy enough to cause a migraine. Considering that I'm hungover, it made me downright homicidal.

“Could you stop glaring at that stallion?” Celestia wasn't using telepathy to communicate, which I was absolutely grateful for, the last thing I needed was a wedge driven into my frontal lobe.

“Can we hurry, I'm not a fan of cops.” They weren't law enforcement in the sense you'd think, they were just royal guards, which may have explained why Ponyville doesn't have police. Or maybe they don't wear uniforms at all times, I really have no idea.

“They still have to bring Jay out, then we can head back the castle.” The princess was busying herself with a magazine she'd bought on the way, what, did you think the guards stocked them in the station's lobby? The cover was a nice photo of Shining Armor doing body shots off a stripper, why the hell did I have to forget that? What, it seemed like an enjoyable part of our evening.

“Never took you for a fan of tabloids, Tia.” The monarch seemed to regard my statement with amusement, before she showed the page she was on to me. Sweet zombie Jesus, someone got a picture of me with a fucked up face, not the first time, but I didn't recall my lip being split. “That is obviously doctored.”

“Why would a respectable agency like Wolf News need to alter photographs?”

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Forty minutes later, Celestia, Jay, and I were back at the castle, idly chatting over breakfast. Although, whispering may have been a more appropriate term. The flautist's eyes were sunken, he was clutching his head every time a noise came from somewhere in the castle. If I wasn't feeling pain as well, I would have taken the opportunity to make as much sound as humanly possible.

“Imagine milk and pizza in a blender,” I said to my nauseous comrade. In Jay's defense, he had eaten quite a bit, but had a stomach of steel for some odd reason.

“Eat shit.” At least he put down the next bite of food, so I was getting to him in some small way. I guess I should quit while I'm ahead, for now, anyway.

“Twilight and her friends are arriving today.” The princess was being civil at the moment, only because it would be easier for all involved. Her two security chiefs were hungover and too sick to do much of anything, at least she could arrest a shady dealer because of my mistake. Shining Armor was in the barracks, but he had insisted on seeing to his duties, even if using magic hurt him like eating razors. That Shining Armor is a pretty cool guy, he makes forcefields and doesn't afraid of anything. Except his fiance, whom I had yet to meet, and it would hopefully stay that way.

“You aren't going to welcome them personally?” Jay was holding an icepack to his head, I told him it wouldn't work, but he wasn't listening. As usual.

“Security reasons.” The alicorn seemed as upset with it as the Elements likely were. Or would be, if they were still en route.

“Wait, so your guards let two mythical creatures near you, one of which was a suspected assassin at one time, but they won't let you near the Elements of Harmony?”

“Pretty much.”

“That's complete horseshit.”

@#@#@#@#@#@#

I've no idea how I ended up back in Marehouse Thirteen, nor why I was calling it that, but I believe it was something about procuring clothing to wear to the wedding. The ceremony was in three days at most, which presented quite a bit of trouble for Jay and I, as many of the artifacts were dated at several centuries. I don't have to tell you that most cloth doesn't hold up against time that well. At least this scavenger hunt was a nice distraction from the hangover pains, and the nausea that was only now hitting me. Besides, there was some sweet shit in here.

“Is that a Bubble?” For those of you who haven't played any of the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. games, a Bubble is a powerful and rare item that reduces radiation. If I couldn't find the FTL gun and laptop, I could at least use the it to build a replacement. “Holy shit, I think it is.” I'm not going to touch it, though, just in case I'm mistaking my artifacts.

“How is an item from a video game in Equestria?” We stopped and stared at each other for a few seconds, before we came to the conclusion that noting would ever makes sense in our lives ever again. Surprisingly, it wasn't that difficult. We went back to work, sorting everything that wasn't needed for our appointed mission, which is meant to be read as just about everything. In the hours we spent working, we found a large number of weapons and miscellaneous items from various books, games, movies, any sort of media really. It goes without saying that we would have kept half of that shit if we had the chance. Especially when I found an Elder Scroll, and spent twenty minutes completely blind, but that's neither here nor there.

“I think I found a couple of uniforms that would fit us.” I looked up from my pile of assorted history to see jay holding up a couple of black uniforms, which seemed strangely familiar to my inner history buff. They were black, with white undershirts, and an equally black winter coat, the style was striking, awe-inspiring, attractive, and a bit intimidating. All in all, a good thing for a security officer to wear when guarding a number of high-value targets. However, one thing, and one thing only, was keeping me from jumping at the prospect of wearing the militaristic clothing.

“Where the hell did you find a pair of pre-war S.S. uniforms?” A better question was why Celestia even had them around, with their negative connotations and the awful thing associated with them.

“With other military stuff.” The flautist pointed to a large pile of bayonets and barbed wire, I think there may have been a few landmines scattered inside. I sighed, but perked up when I remember that the swastikas weren't sewed onto the actual uniforms, so the red armbands wouldn't darken in the wash. If they were attatched, well, those bayonets looked pretty sharp to me. One way or another, the antique uniforms would be our dress for the wedding, regardless of how awful that may have made us as individuals.

$%$%$%$%$%$%

“Christ, someone kill me now.” I was hunched over the table, my stomach was cramping and I felt I would lose the food I had ingested only minutes earlier. Celestia seemed a bit worried that I may be having an adverse side-effect to the drugs I'd been slipped. Jay, however, was having a ball.

“Hey, hey listen, listen, listen, hey listen!” The band member was imitating a certain fairy that had made her annoying ass a prevalent feature in many a loved game. In truth, he was pissing me off like no mortal should have the power to, but I can't really say I blame him for it. Really, he should blame me, I am the reason we're stuck here, but he's never said anything about it. Is it really that hard to turn to me and say I blame you, is it? “Imagine drinking a cup of warm tobacco spit.”

I would like to take a brief note if you don't mind. My friend had finally managed to make me vomit, and he has earned some of my respect for it, but there was a problem.

I emptied the contents of my stomach all over a relatively small alicorn.

$%$%$%$%$%$%
I have no afiliation of any sort with any white supremacist groups, nor any love for the Nazi party or what they did.
However, I do think those uniforms were pretty badass.