Criminally Stupendous

by dudenotactive


Agents Of Darkness

"You're dead Lisa!"

Roman declared as the handle of Melodic Cudgel connected into Lavender's chest, a barrier of light flashed before she was sent flying away. The thief sighed as he glanced over to Fuchsia who trembled on the spot. Roman raised a brow and waited, he even gestured a hoof for her to make a move. But the mare stayed where she is. Seeing that she was reluctant, Roman decided to take the first step to which Fuchsia answered by fleeing.  

"I didn't sign up for this!" She cried out as she ran. 

Roman groaned loudly and pointed his cane down to his hooves, with a hop and a pull of the trigger, a loud boom launched the thief towards the mare. Before Fuchsia could even register what had happened she felt a heavy blow against the back of her head which brought her face into the floor.

Fuchsia laid there, moaning in pain as the thief towered over her. "You're dead Pinky." Roman said with a frown. 

"It hurts..." She groaned out. 

"Of course it does, I just whacked your melon."

"Trixie to the res-" Roman twist on his heel and batted Trixie who attempted to strike Roman while his back was turned. The unicorn gasped sharply as she felt the weight of his cane slamming into her chest. She bounced twice against the floor before landing on her back with a loud thud. Her aura flickered for a second trying its best to fix whatever problem Roman caused. 

"And with that, the whole team has been wiped out." Roman's wing punched the bridge of his snout. "Time and time again, I explained that teamwork is important when in combat! You three showed none of those." He pointed his cane at Lavender who was slumped against the wall. "You keep getting distracted by unimportant things allowing others to strike first!" Then he moved it towards Fuchsia. "You are not even fighting back! What's the use of me unlocking your aura if you don't even do anything with it!? And then there's you Trix', I told you that you need to take charge and lead these hopeless duo against me. But instead of planning and acting like a leader, you chose to use them as a way to divert my attention away from you. And yet you failed, horribly."

Trixie sat up with a frown on her face. "How in the world would we even be able to take you down!?  You're stronger than all of us combined!"

"Trix'," Roman began as he pulled Fuchsia back to her hooves. "Sometimes sheer numbers could bring down a mountain. Of course experience is superior, but I learned from my own experience that with the right training, an army of peasants can still take down a knight."

"Is violence all you could ever think about? Honestly, you should put your time and experience to better use!"

Roman felt a vein pop, a scowl formed on his face as he turned towards the mare that just spoke. "Good morning to you too Sunny."

"When you're here, it isn't that good of a morning." She huffed before facing her daughter. "Breakfast is ready Trixie, I made egg and haybacon sandwiches for everyone, help yourselves with some freshly squeezed orange juice!"

"Really!?" Trixie shot up and rushed towards the kitchen area followed by Fuchsia and Lavender who were equally hungry as Trixie. Roman sighed once more as he followed with Sunflower just behind him. 

As the three mares got to the table where the sandwiches are, they wasted no time and began filling their stomachs with much needed fuel to give them enough energy to go through the day until lunch time. Roman noticed that there were two extra sandwiches, but instead of taking one, he opted to go to the fridge instead. There were some vegetables, some sodas, and a half eaten cake. 

"What's wrong, don't you want some sir?" Lavender spoke up, curious as to why Roman was at the fridge instead of the table. 

"And what, risk getting poisoned? I'll pass."

Sunflower was appalled by his implications. "And why in Celestia's great mane would I poison you?"

"To get rid of me, that's for sure." He said as he fished out the half eaten cake. 

"My mom wouldn't do that!" Trixie spoke with a mouth full.

"Trixie, swallow before speaking!" Sunflower scolded Trixie and the magician did as she was told. "And you," She turned towards the thief. "you put that cake back in the fridge and eat the sandwich, or else!"

"Or else what?" He chuckled. "You can't possibly do anything to harm me."

"Don't you test me young colt, I have a few magic spells that would certainly singe your mane!"

"Roman, could you please just eat the sandwich?" Trixie tried to convince him. She stared at Roman with her best puppy eyes she could muster. She even had her lower lip quivering to add to the whole look. Roman was honestly disturbed. So much, that he instinctively returned the cake back into the fridge. 

"Fine." He answered, Trixie smiled proudly as she mentally patted herself on the back. 

Roman sat down on one of the few vacant seats in the table. He stared at the sandwich in front of him on a plate. Lettuce, scrambled egg, tomato, and hay. Those were the contents of this sandwich, and Roman wished that there was no hay. Ever since he woke up on this planet, there were many things that he was reluctant to try. One of them was hay, just next to flowers. His diet consisted of normal stuff that he would find appealing enough to eat, such as pastas and bread. He missed meat, he wished he was able to get a spell that would allow him to be an omnivore again. But that seems impossible now. 

Feeling his own stomach growling, Roman wrapped both his hooves around the sandwich and brought it closer to him. The thief stared at it for a second, he tried not to think of the hay, it was basically a BLT sandwich. Sunflower did say it was haybacon. Swallowing down his pride, Roman lowered his jaw and leaned towards his breakfast. But then he pulled away, he just couldn't do it. He had standards, and hay just doesn't seem appetizing. With that in mind, he instead removed the hay and discarded it back onto the plate. This action earned a glare from Sunflower, but she held her tongue.

"Um, Roman?" Fuchsia asked for his attention. "Why do we have to train with Miss Trixie, anyways? Like I had said, Lavender and I did not sign up to be fighters."

Roman smirked. "And yet, you and Lisa were there in Ponyville, knowing the risks that comes with the job. Think of it as a promotion of sorts. You will be able to defend yourselves when we aren't around. With this training, Trixie and I can depend on you both when the time comes. For example, they discovered our hideout and you along with Lisa are the only ones here."

"I get it!" Lavender said before taking another bite from her sandwich. 

"See? She gets it, and besides, if you two participate in some of our heists, I am willing to give you two twenty percent of my share."

Fuchsia spat out her juice. "Twenty percent!?"

"Yes, I usually get around fifty thousand bits, and I don't really use it much. So it's alright for me to part with most of it." Roman sighed. "But there is still the problem of your identity. We can work on that after training. There's still much to do."

"Trixie surprise attack!" Roman managed to face the unicorn just on time for a plate to break on his head. He slumped forward and off the chair he sat on and fell down onto the kitchen floor. "Gotcha!"

The mares looked over the table and at Roman's body. They waited for him to stand, but he laid there with no signs of any movement. 

"Roman?" Fuchsia called out to him, yet there was no answer. 

Then all eyes focused on the magician, she stared back at them, unsure of what to say right now. It was like this for a minute before Lavender would speak. 

"Did you just kill him?"


"Roman Torchwick I call for you!!!"

"Oh Brothers above, help me..." Roman prayed as he stood across an imposing silhouette. The devil from before he woke up on Equestria, he had somehow found his way here and was now demanding Roman's attention. "How are you here!?" He asked as he clenched his fists. 

"All will be answered shortly. First, I must speak with you, child."

"Oh no, when I said I would sell my soul to the devil for a corn chip, I was just joking!" Roman tried to take a step back, but somehow he had not moved from the spot. No matter how many steps he made, the distance between him and the devil was still the same. 

"Your disrespectful behavior will be noted, Roman. You prayed to us for so long, yet you do not recognize that one of the gods you call out to is standing before you."

Roman gasped. "You... are one of the Brothers? But, I thought you'd be a dragon?" His shoulders almost relaxed upon the discovery, he was still wary of what this god was capable of. "Years..." He gritted his teeth. "For years I have been praying, for so long I have been waiting, just for help. Yet you're standing here right now. Do you know what I've been through? You have some nerve to show up now!"

"Calm yourself, child. My brother and I would've helped if we were present. But even then, we would've simply given you some strength to overcome your challenges."

"What do you mean?" He hissed.

"Remnant is far older than you would believe. Before you or the faunus, there were only humans with power to create and destroy."

"What does this have to do with anything?"

"Everything, Roman Torchwick. For you see, the Grimm are my creation, and the animals you know are of my Brother's. I made my children of darkness specifically to destroy life. But then we came together and united our powers to create, man."

"Big mistake." Roman quipped. 

"Your hatred is justified." The god sighed. "I will cut to the chase if you are in a hurry. There was... a complication with a distraught widow. She wanted something that was against my brother's will, but we denied the woman of her wish. So she rallied every human and stormed into my brother's home and sacred ground to attack us both. And you see in the night sky above, it did not end well for humanity."

Roman noticed the pause the god had made, it was for him to figure out what the god meant. Then he understood it. "The moon..." Roman muttered. 

"With the destruction of the moon came the extinction of man, yet I spared only the Grimm and allowed them to take over the lands. This in turn birth a new age, one with no magic to fight off the hordes of Grimm."

"You killed all humans, because they rebelled?" Roman felt his lips form into a smirk. "Why not make a sequel?"

"Do you detest your kind so much, that you wish them ill?"

Roman shook his head. "No, I'm not thinking straight. I'm guessing that's why you guys never answered. Who knew the gods were the parents, and we, the humans, are their children left inside the car hotboxing in the parking lot under the summer sun. Continue."

"You may doubt what I will say next, for the widow still lives until today as a punishment. And as time passed on, humanity evolved out of the shadows to rule once more. And until now, my brother and I have not set foot back on Remnant."

"And why are you here then, how are you even talking to me?"

"The Grimm is my creation, as I said. So you may understand what I am meaning to tell you."

Roman pondered once more, trying his best to answer the silly riddles he kept spouting out. "Equus, this planet is also your creation!"

"You are indeed correct. But this world is more of a small experiment that my brother and I created which was simply long forgotten."

"But what does this have to do with me!?"

The world around him shook. The once dusty ground turned grey for a second before becoming a steel material. Then the sky darkened, the shattered moon returned once more and shined upon him. The stench of blood and gunpowder filled the air. And finally, the shrieking caws of the griffins assaulted his ears. He was back on the ship, where his legacy both ended and began. Roman stared at the god, his eyes wider than before. Pupils shrunk into green dots in a sea of white. 

"You were supposed to die here, Roman Torchwick." He said menacingly. "That night, when the prodigy performed the summoning spell, I tried to stop it. But she proved too strong for her kind, and managed to pull you through the dimensions. I was displeased, but I am not allowed to do anything for this world is no longer in our control. That is why she succeeded against me. After so long of searching, you made the mistake of stepping into my sacred grounds which allowed me to make a connection with your mind. I do not know how long I am able to speak with you, but I am sure that we have time."

Roman soaked in all the new information he had just received. Everything would've sounded ridiculous, but he had seen so much that he was inclined to believe every word. He gritted his teeth, the god wanted him dead, yet he is still alive. There was also the thing about sacred grounds, which meant that there was a place where Darkness was stronger. Then it clicked, Roman's mind returned to the city of Canterlot, the one place where he felt "train lag". Which was strange. 

The only good thing is, he won't die just yet. "Ha! That means you can't kill me, can you!?"

"I very much can, child." Roman recoiled back. "But it would be against my brother's wishes to harm you. Even if it was to correct the mistake. Don't count yourself lucky just yet, Roman. For I will be sending out agents to dispose of you."

"I would like to see them try!"

"The first one had already failed me. He had many chances to strike, yet he chose to spare your life instead. A shame, he is the strongest one in this world. Just as strong as the rulers of Canterlot."

"Heh, is that right?" Roman grinned. "Maybe I can bring him over to my side then?"

"You may try, but then you'd risk encountering my other agents." Just then, something big landed behind Roman. 

The thief snapped towards it, and his face drained of any color. "Grandma..." He chuckled. "What big eyes you have!" It was indeed the very same one, the gigantic Grimm that was riddled in scars, rust and blood stains really suited the beast well. Especially in this kind of environment, where chaos and destruction reigns. Roman cared not how it got inside his dreams, he just knows that the god had something to do with it. 

The Beowolf stared deeply into his eye, it licked its fangs hungrily. "Rrrrromaaaaan!" It growled in a woman's voice, raspy and high pitched, sounded like how a snake would sound like if it spoke. 

"H-hey there, Grandma, been awhile."

"Hungry!" It or she said. 

"Fascinating, isn't it? My creations only grow smarter by age. This one lived to see the rise of the alicorn sisters. Grandma as you have decided to name it, fought in many battles. It became the alpha in a single night after devouring the previous one. Stronger, bigger, yet faster. This one, I am truly proud of. It had taken a liking to you Roman." The god spoke while the Grimm circled the thief. 

"Yeah, I can see that." Roman decided it was best to ignore the beast, it was not like it can hurt him in the dream world. "You said there were more? Who else is after me?"

The moon turned blood red, the embers became rose petals that fluttered through the wind. The Beowolf vanished from sight. The steel beneath Roman transformed into soil, and numerous thorned roots grew out of it, one even wrapped around his left shin causing the thief to hiss in pain. And out of the roots came roses which burst into flames. At first it was a beautiful scene, from an artist point of view, it could be said that there was a hidden meaning. And Roman already knew what that meaning was. 

"Adam Taurus." He named the other agent of darkness as he pulled his leg free. 

"A peculiar mortal indeed. His hatred towards humanity is far greater than yours."

"Hey, I am a man who believes in equality! So I equally hate everyone on Remnant, except Neo."

"Nonetheless, the faunus race was a strange evolution from the destruction of man. My brother and I were curious about how they came to be. None of us even tempered with the human genes, so their existence is merely life flourishing on its own. But I must admit, they are far superior than humans, being able to harness the power of other animals. Such as the ability to see through the darkness."

"You brought him here, Adam I mean. You definitely sent him here to kill me." Roman simply concluded, he easily understood it all.  

"Indeed, I had intercepted one of the summoner's attempts to reach into the world of Remnant and brought Adam Taurus here. If he succeeds on vanquishing you, then I will grant him his wish."

"And what's that?"

The god paused for a second, the world shifted once more, the sky literally melted away leaving nothing but the ground under Roman's feet. "Power," The god answered. "He will become strong enough to destroy an army all on his own. I just fear that with his wish, comes the second extinction of humanity."

"Huh, guess gods truly are just pricks." 

"There is still one last thing Roman, I-"

"Begone foul beast!" Luna's voice boomed out from above, both man and god looked up in time to see a pillar of light slamming down upon the brother of darkness. A thick cloud of smoke exploded out, shielding the god away from sight. 

"Luna!?" Roman exclaimed as she touched the ground, her wings still extended out, ready to take flight in case the creature she had just smited is still alive. 

"Roman, I was planning to call for you, but then I felt a presence I have not felt before! I knew you had something to do with it!" She explained herself. "And here I see a demon invading your dream world! This shall not go unpunished!"

"Uh, Luna? He's not the devil." Roman coughed into his fist. "He's one of the two Brothers, the gods that was said to be the creators of my world, which honestly surprised me since they were depicted as dragons."

"H-he is?" She stammered. 

"Yeah, and apparently, he and his brother also created your world. And the evidence to that is the fact that Grimm exists since it's basically his kids. Crazy right?"

"He is!?" Luna exclaimed. Then she stared at the large smoke, and while it slowly dissipated, she paled. The color slowly faded off her as a large dragon made of darkness now stood in the god's place. "Oh, dear mother above."

The dragon snorted a laugh which sent shivers down her spine. Even Roman was paralyzed in fear. Both were speechless before the god who destroyed the moon. His dragon form radiated with power. This was the god Roman knew, the one who is the father of all Grimm. 

His skull lowered down to level with Luna's, she gasped and took a step back, in fear of what this being was capable of. "Luna, princess of the night and deity of the moon. You are as beautiful as my children claimed." He said softly. "My little pony, do not fret, there will be no punishment. For I understand your reasoning. You were simply defending Roman from an unknown entity."

"Yes... I am." She admitted to the truth. "So, Roman claims that you created both of our worlds."

"His, my brother and I were merely using our powers to the fullest. Yours? This planet was simply a small project long forgotten, a planet where the sun itself orbits around it. Long enough that your kind and many others grew. I would love to explain everything, my child, but my time is short. It is best to be on my way now." The dragon turned to leave, his footsteps were silent, no sound was made as he slowly vanishes. Leaving a fearful thief and a princess who regretted her mistake of assaulting a god who said had created the planet she stands on. 

When enough time had passed, Roman finally released all the air he held in his lungs, his shoulders relaxed, yet his body was still slightly tensed. "Great, of all the things to come after me, I never thought it would be a god."

"What do you mean?" Luna asked, broken free of her own short prison. The thief dismissed her question with his own, he chose not to inform her about the agents that were after him. Instead, he asked what was so important that she wanted to speak with him tonight. 

The two stood there, Roman listened to her words. Receiving new important information, the thief couldn't help but widen his eyes. His mouth opened to speak, but he found himself speechless. His body sagged forward a bit, his palms shook from excitement. 

"What...?" He whispered. 

Of all things he would discover today, this one was the best thing he heard after waking up on this planet. It felt like it was happening so quickly, and Roman felt his knees weakening under him. The world around them both started shifting. The sky turned to an orange hue as a grin crept up to his face. Luna was unsure what to think of it, her mind still lingered on the god from earlier. And when everything was still, the grin on his face transformed into a manic smile and the sky shattered along with it.

"Guess it's game time, isn't it?"

That day, Roman awoke with a violent cackle that literally frightened his partner. It was a day to remember as Torchwick began planning for the near future.