Princess Celestia sighed as she looked over the papers for the latest tax proposal. “This looks really nice, Paper Cut. You did a great job.”
The grey Unicorn smiled in response. “Always a pleasure to work with you, Princess.”
Always a bore to work with you, Celestia thought, but didn’t say. She had perfected the art of looking interested while secretly being bored to tears centuries ago. Still, after all these years, the Royal Tax Advisor could strain even her infinite patience. I wish something interesting would happen....
“Your wish is my command!” a voice suddenly yelled out. Celestia looked up to see a swirling ball of mass that had somehow crashed through the window headed right towards her. Ducking, she avoided it and it hit the wall behind her. Turning around quizzically, she found the Lord of Chaos, dressed in a maintenance worker’s outfit.
“Well, well, when the all powerful Princess of the Sun is feeling bored, I would be remiss in my royal duties not to intercede,” he grinned. “Although, really, look at this place, it looks like a dump. You really have to do some maintenance.” He pointed a claw towards the huge hole in the wall. “Really, you of all ponies should be aware of ‘broken windows theory’.”
Celestia sighed and put her hoof on her forehead. “Discord...”
“Don’t worry, don’t worry!” He assured her. “I’ll fix it for you.” He snapped his fingers, and the hole was filled by a huge stained glass window showing Discord and Celestia sitting next to each other, with the letters D + C written underneath. “Wow, look at me, handy around the house. Is there anything I can’t do? Truly, Celestia, you couldn’t choose a better gentlepony- er draconequus- friend than me.” He leaned over to Celestia, puckering his lips.
Rolling her eyes, Celestia shook her head slowly. “Discord... it’s always wonderful to see you... but I have work now.”
Paper Cut stood up slowly and scowled. “Exactly, Princess. Now if you will kindly tell your... romantic companion to leave, there are some very important tax policies we have to discuss-“
“Oh, pish!” Discord interrupted. In a flash, the papers had animated and were baring their teeth as they chased after Paper Cut.
“Discord! I demand you stop this at once. Return the tax papers to their original state!” the attacked Unicorn called out.
“All I did was show their true form,” Discord pouted. “You like it, don’t you, ‘Tia?”
Celestia covered up her muzzle with a hoof to hide her laughter. “It’s very clever, Discord. But you have to change everything back.”
“Everything?” he whined.
She looked at the new window seriously. “Everything.”
“Do I at least get some compensation for my work?” he said, now holding a picketing sign.
Celestia leaned over and pecked him delicately on the cheek. “Compensation enough?”
“Ugh, fine,” Discord sighed, snapping his fingers. In a flash, the old window was restored, and Paper Cut was covered in a pile of regular evil, non-alive tax papers.
Princess Celestia straightened her back and looked seriously at her lover. “Discord, what brings you here today? Surely you didn’t come just to torture Paper Cut?”
Discord leaned into her. “Oh, I have to have a reason to show up? I cannot just have a casual visit because I like spending time with you?” He gave her a huge “I Missed You” card.
Celestia smiled but raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, all right. Be a stick-in-the-mud,” Discord said, and all of a sudden he was a twig sitting in a mud pile. “Well, the real reason I came is because I knew you were bored and wanted to brighten up your day, O Princess of the Sun.” He pulled on the little lock of hair next to her ear, and her horn lit up.
Celestia frowned. “How would you know I was bored? Don’t tell me your chaos magic senses my emotions?”
He laughed. “Oh, no, it’s elementary, my dear Celestia, really.” He paced back and forth in a detective cap while blowing bubbles out of a pipe. “A few days ago I invited you to spend some time in my chaos dimension so we could discuss my proposal to turn Cloudsdale into a giant floating bouncy house made out of cotton candy. You can imagine how hurt I was when you said you’d rather spend your time discussing taxes with him.” He pointed his paw at Paper Cut, who had just finished pushing the last papers off himself. Instantly, they all fell on top of him again.
Celestia rubbed her head. “Discord, I didn’t say I’d rather spend time discussing taxes, I said I had to. And I think you already know the answer to your Cloudsdale suggestion.”
“That it’s a great idea? Oh, ‘Tia, I’m so glad you came around, I knew you’d see the light!”
She blinked at the huge flashlight right in front of her eyes, and shook her head. “Discord... no. Just... no.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Well anyways, even though you turned down my suggestion in favor of somepony else, I decided to be the bigger pony and come see you anyways. I knew you’d be bored in a tax meeting, so I figured I’d come and liven things up.”
“You call this ‘livening things up’?” somepony sputtered as he finally got up from under a massive pile of paper.
“Quiet, you,” Discord muttered. With a wave of his claw, Paper Cut was once again covered in sheets of paper.
“Oh, Discord, that was so thoughtful of you,” Celestia chuckled. “I appreciate it.”
“I am pretty great, after all,” Discord boasted. “Just the Lord of Chaos here, folks, that’s all. Donations are accepted.” He held out a hat jingling with bits and then paused. “Well, the truth is, dear ‘Tia, I may not have been entirely honest with you.” Discord admitted.
“Do tell.”
Discord stared at Celestia. “I came to cheer you up- but I also came for another reason. A very very important reason.”
“Important enough to completely derail this policy meeting?” Paper Cut sniped, getting up for the third time.
“Oh, it’s far more important than that. This may one of the most important things of the century, actually of the millennium!” Discord said excitedly. He clapped his hands, and a bunch of balloons appeared on the ceiling. He grabbed one and gave it to Celestia. “Congratulations.”
She took it from him in confusion. “Congratulations on what, exactly? If this is about Cloudsdale, I want to be very clear, I’ve given it far more consideration than it deserves, and the answer is NO.”
“No, no, this isn’t about that,” Discord laughed. “It’s about you. And me, too, I suppose.”
Curiosity piqued, Celestia looked at him with interest. “Please tell me what this important secret is. I have no idea. But if it’s this important to you, I really want to know.” So I can protect myself.
Discord grinned. “I knew you’d be excited, ‘Tia.” He snapped his fingers and a massive blue egg with orange stripes and yellow polka dots appeared in his claw.
Celestia stared at it, before accepting it gingerly. “I... uh... what is this, exactly? It’s definitely not a dragon egg.”
“Well, it’s partly a dragon egg,” Discord smirked.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Celestia asked.
Discord smiled solemnly. “I laid this egg.”
There was a long silence. Finally Celestia spoke. “You laid this egg.”
“Yes,” Discord said. “It came from my very own-“
“Alright, that’s enough!” Celestia said quickly. She threw the egg back to Discord. “I can’t believe I touched this.”
“Why? Discord asked. “You usually have no problem touching my-“
“ENOUGH!” Celestia yelled.
“But, ‘Tia, don’t you know what this means?” Discord asked earnestly.
“That your biological functions are even weirder than I thought?”
“Of course they’re weird, I am the Lord of Chaos, after all.” Discord said smugly. “But Celestia... this means... you’re going to be a father!”
The silence that followed felt about as long as some of the more uneventful decades of her life, Celestia judged. It would have gone on longer, but a loud THUMP shocked her out of her stupor. Turning, she realized it was Paper Cut. The poor Unicorn had fainted. Luckily, there was a good deal of crumpled paper to break his fall. After assessing that her tax advisor was alright, she turned back to Discord. “So,” she began. “What exactly are you implying?”
“I didn’t imply anything, I said it outright,” Discord exclaimed. “I laid an egg, and you’re the father. Very simple stuff here, honestly.”
“I heard that... but how?” Celestia asked.
“Well, sometimes, when two very special someponies love each other very very much, they-“
“I know that!” Celestia hissed, feeling her face burning. “What I meant is, how can this be? It defies all the rules of basic biology. It doesn’t make any sense!”
“Oh, what fun is there in making sense?” Discord cackled.
“Discord, even for you, this seems a tad unbelievable. April Foal’s Day isn’t until next week, you know.”
“I am absolutely serious,” Discord said resolutely.
“You can’t be. You just can’t be. Discord, I’m sorry, there is absolutely no way I ‘sired’ an egg!” Celestia said, sounding just a bit frazzled.
“And why not?” Discord asked, tilting his head questioningly.
“I- well- For one thing, I’m a mare!” Celestia shrieked.
“So?”
“So?! So?! So MARES CAN’T BE SIRES!” Celestia exploded.
Discord stood up slowly. “‘Mares can’t be sires’? Really, Celestia, I’m disappointed in you. And here I thought you were open-minded. Love and tolerance and all that.”
“THAT’S TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S THING, NOT MINE!”
“So you don’t believe in love and tolerance?”
“I- of course I believe in love, tolerance, and the magic of friendship,” Celestia said. “But I also believe in biology. And I can’t be the father of this egg.”
Discord crossed his arms. “Well you are, my dear ‘Tia. And anyways, what does it matter if you’re the dame or the sire? The point is we’re having a foal together!”
“Maybe I don’t want a foal.”
The draconequus stopped. “What?”
“Look, I don’t know if this is your idea of a bad joke, or if this is somehow real- although I don’t see how it could be- but when I entered into a relationship with you, you... laying eggs was not part of it,” Celestia said, willing herself to remain calm. “I mean, how did you honestly expect me to react?”
Discord’s voice was deadly cold. “Oh, I see, Celestia. I never thought of you as a deadbeat dad type. But I guess now that I have an egg you’ve just decided to abandon me and your foal. I guess this is over than.” He snapped his fingers, and he was floating away as he held on to his collection of Congratulations balloons.
“Discord, I never said-“
He cut her off. “You’ve said more than enough.”
She sighed. “Can I at least get a paternity test?”