Professor Valley was absolutely sure that students got dumber every year. When she’d been a young mare working towards her degree in engineering, her professors had been geniuses and she’d had rival classmates that had gone on to do great things in their fields. She was a genius -- that part of the equation hadn’t changed -- but her students were so dull she suspected most of them were only in school because it would be irresponsible to allow anypony out into the wider world when they couldn’t find their cutie marks with two hooves and a map.
She flipped through the tests that had been returned to her by her evening class and shook her head.
“How can they do so poorly when it’s multiple-choice?” she muttered. “Statistically they should be able to get at least a quarter of the questions correct even if they’re just guessing at random!”
She grabbed her keys to unlock her office door, but when her hoof touched the knob, it swung open.
“Did the janitors forget to close up again?” she muttered, pushing the door open the rest of the way. She fumbled for the light switch, privately sure it moved around when she wasn’t looking. When her hoof finally hit it, the overhead lights buzzed and flickered on and she sighed.
“Hey, Mom,” Gwen said.
Professor Valley put the papers down and stepped inside. A mare stepped out of the blind spot created by the door and pushed it shut quietly.
“I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised,” Professor Valley said. “If there’s one thing you’re particularly good at, it’s finding new ways to get into trouble. What is it now, Gwen? And how much of it is going to come to my front door?”
“You know, funny you should say that--”
“And you brought a friend,” Professor Valley continued. “I would say it was good to see you again, Philtrum, but you apparently went and lost my suit. You paid for it, but I am still rather cross that you let good work go to waste.”
“You know Philtrum?” Mare Do Well asked. “You made that crazy suit?”
“Can we focus on one thing at a time?” Gwen asked. “I’m not feeling very good.”
Professor Valley stepped closer. “What did you do to yourself?” She slapped Gwen’s talon away when she tried to hide the injury. “Look at this mess.” She shook her head and clucked in disappointment.
“It hurts enough without you yelling at me for being hurt, mom,” Gwen groaned.
“Well of course it hurts! It looks like somepony took a machete to you. It went right through your sixth intercostal support, penetrated a secondary subprocessor, and broke a coolant pump.” She sighed.
“Is that bad?” Mare Do Well asked.
Professor Valley shrugged. “It’s not great, but not terrible. I can fix it, but I don’t like seeing Gwen get hurt like this. This isn’t the kind of hurt you get from having a minor accident, and since she didn’t come alone, I can’t imagine how bad it must be.” She shot a glare at Mare Do Well.
“It’s not her fault,” Gwen said. She squeaked in alarm when Professor Valley prodded something inside the wound. “Do you have to do that?”
“I need to see how bad it is,” Valley said.
“I thought doctors were supposed to have some bedside manner,” Gwen grumbled.
“If you want to go to somepony else, feel free,” Professor Valley said. She stepped back. “I can repair this, but we can’t do it here unless you want me to staple you shut and call it a day. We’ll have to go to one of the labs. There are plenty of tools and supplies.”
“The lab sounds good,” Gwen said. She tried to get up, and Mare Do Well rushed over to catch her when she stumbled. Professor Valley raised an eyebrow.
“On the way, I want to know how you two met,” she said.
“Only if you’ll tell me your side of the story,” Mare Do Well said. “I need to know about Philtrum’s suit. And Gwen, I guess, but only if she’s okay with it.”
“Hm. Taking her feelings into consideration?” Valley asked. “Interesting. I really do need to know more.”
“...And so I had to help her get here,” Mare Do Well said, while Professor Valley worked the lock on the lab door. “I took the old subway tunnels most of the way since it was off the streets and we didn’t need eyes on us.”
“Smarter than I expected from somepony who spends their evenings trying to solve major societal problems by punching them away,” Professor Valley said. She pushed the door open and pointed. “Put her up on the bench there. Just move the equipment that’s in the way. It’s only from grad students, and they’re used to being disappointed.”
“I’m glad I’m not one of your students,” Mare Do Well said, helping Gwen up onto the steel table.
“Mm,” Valley said, non-committal but also glad for the same reason. “So you wanted to know about the suit? What happened to Philtrum?” She started gathering tools, putting them down near Gwen.
“She’s getting better,” Mare Do Well said. “She was going crazy from all the emotional energy she absorbed. She gave me the suit after I helped stop her before anypony else could get hurt.”
“And why would she give it to you?”
“I think it’s because she wanted me to keep up the good work. I’d been… sort of retired, and she looked up to me.”
“I take it you’re implying you’re the original?”
“One step closer to the original, at least,” Mare Do Well said.
“Well there isn’t much I can do to help you with the Suit,” Valley said. “I’m guessing when you tried to wear it, nothing worked properly? It probably felt like it didn’t fit, no matter what you did, and then all the integrated weapons and devices wouldn’t function?”
“Yeah, not even when I was doing what the manual said!”
“The Suit isn’t just armor,” Professor Valley explained. “It’s built a lot like Gwen.” She opened a refrigerated case and pulled out a metal tray. Using some forceps she carefully lifted a sheet of translucent, soft plastic out of the liquid it had been resting in. It moved like a sheet of gelatin, slightly thick and wobbly, and was shot through with golden wires. It looked, in short, a lot like the glimpse she’d gotten of Gwen’s insides.
“What’s that stuff?” Mare Do Well asked.
“It’s a bio-neural supercell net,” Valley said. “Sort of a thinking muscle. It’s what my daughter is mostly made out of. Even without a central plexus, it’s somewhat aware. That’s why the suit doesn’t work for you, Mare Do Well. It’s about as intelligent as a cat, and just as picky. It doesn’t like you.”
“That explains a lot,” Mare Do Well sighed. “At least I can tell Lyra I’m not as bad with technology as she thinks.”
“Gwen, I’m going to turn on your pain inhibitors while I work,” Valley said softly. “You’re going to be fine. Physically. I can’t do anything about you acting like an idiot.”
“I didn’t have a choice,” Gwen muttered. “I was trying to get the money we need to buy her back.”
“And what did you do, rob a bank?” Valley asked.
“No, she decided to steal a dragon’s egg from one of the Jade Triangle Families,” Mare Do Well said. She put the heavy bag on another bench and opened it, revealing the glittering shell within, like gold leaf and granite.
“Robbing a bank would have been safer,” the professor muttered. “Stop squirming!”
“It feels weird!” Gwen complained.
“So are you going to tell me why you needed so many bits you were willing to do something this stupid for them?” Mare Do Well asked.
“I had to get enough to buy Jasmine back,” Gwen said.
“Jasmine Jewel? Oh, you can’t be serious. Are you telling me that nutcase was right? She really is a synth?”
“My first daughter,” Professor Valley sighed. “I built her under contract. I needed the money to continue my research, and… I didn’t realize how much of a mistake it would be.”
“She’s going to be dumped like trash!” Gwen groaned. “They’re replacing her with a new pop star, and she’s going to be thrown in a warehouse somewhere to rot! I had to get the money fast!”
“If it’s that bad, why can’t she just leave?” Mare Do Well asked. “Slavery is illegal, she could just walk away as long as she doesn’t care about getting paid.”
“She can’t,” Valley said. “Jasmine isn’t as advanced as Gwen. The main difference is her power source. To recharge, Jasmine needs to stay on her charging platform for several hours a day.”
“A charging platform?”
“Her stage,” Gwen explained. “It’s why she doesn’t go far without it. If she doesn’t stay on-stage for a few hours every day, she’ll shut down. She’s chained to it, and as long as they control it, they control her.”
“I knew her manager was a scumbag, but I didn’t think they were that bad,” Mare Do Well said. “There has to be some other way to help.”
“It’s not a problem you can punch away,” Professor Valley said.
“No, but that might be,” Mare Do Well said, pointing out the window. A dozen ponies were walking towards the lab, and they didn’t look like the type who were interested in after-hours research.
“How could they track us?” Gwen asked. She tried to get up.
“Don’t you dare move!” Valley snapped. “I’m in the middle of replacing your insides and I am not letting a daughter of mine go out half-disassembled!”
“We must have been seen leaving the subway,” Mare Do Well said. “We’re sort of distinctive, and all it takes is one pair of eyes in the wrong place.”
“Would you please go deal with that?” Valley asked, motioning to the window. “I’ve got my hooves full.”
“Mind if I borrow a few things?” Mare Do Well asked, looking at a rack of chemicals.
Mare Do Well kicked the door open dramatically, standing with the light behind her and looking out at the approaching gang.
“If you get caught out this late at night, you might end up getting academic suspension,” she said. “How about you go back to your rooms quietly and I won’t tell the dean?”
“How about you turn over my egg and the thief, and I give you this pony back all at once instead of piece by piece?” one of the thugs said, stepping out in front of the others. He had a knife to the throat of the pony in front of him, a terrified looking filly who was having her very first college hostage situation. He also had an extraordinarily fancy suit in ruby-red zebra print lined with violet silk, but the knife was more of a pressing matter, especially for his hostage.
“My egg?” Mare Do Well asked. “So I’m guessing you’re somepony important?”
“If you really knew anything about this city you’d know me. I am Crimson Stream, head of the Chimera’s Breath, the most powerful family of the Jade Triangle. A griffon stole something very important to me. I want it back.”
“The dragon’s egg,” Mare Do Well said.
“Yes. It belongs to me. There is a dragon that will trade her entire hoard for it. Or whatever else I might require. Until then, it is a marker for her cooperation, and one that has no value to you. You do not even know the name of the dragon whose debt it represents.”
“I might be willing to give it back. Let the kid go and we can discuss terms.”
“No,” Crimson said. “You will give it back, and give me the thief. I don’t care if they’re alive or dead. Once I have both, I’ll be happy to let you have this cute little thing. I have enough scared fillies to give this one back without many regrets.”
“Please get me out of here,” the filly whispered, trying not to even breathe too hard with the knife against her skin.
“I will,” Mare Do Well promised.
“And it is easily done,” Crimson said. “You know the terms.”
“I’ve got a counter-proposal,” Mare Do Well said. She threw a glass beaker down between them, and it shattered along with a smaller vial inside. The two chemicals mixed together, and a huge amount of smoke poured into the air, the entire square outside the lab building filling with haze.
“Get her!” Crimson shouted. He backed up to a hedge, putting his back to something more or less solid and keeping the hostage in front of him.
He couldn’t see anything through the smoke. It was only getting thicker by the moment. He heard sharp impacts, screams, and the dull sound of bodies hitting cobblestone and not getting back up. A green flash shot through the fog, and for a moment he saw his men silhouetted, Mare Do Well kicking one away, a crackle of green fire connecting her to another unfortunate thug.
“I told you what would happen to you if you didn’t cooperate!” Crimson shouted. “I told you what would happen to her!”
“And what do you think is going to happen to you?” Mare Do Well asked, her voice echoing from all around. “Do you think you’re going to hurt her and walk away? Do you think you’ll ever walk again if you do that?”
“If you touch me--”
“Let the girl go, or you’re going to have a bad time,” Mare Do Well said. The smoke started to clear as a breeze rolled in, revealing all of Crimson’s men on the ground in various states ranging from ‘going to hurt in the morning’ to ‘months of traction’.
There was no sign of the masked pony who’d put the hurt on them.
“Where did she go?” Crimson whispered.
Hooves grabbed him from behind, pulling him through the hedge. Before he knew what was happening, the knife was out of his hooves, he was on the ground, and a very angry pony was standing over him.
Mare Do Well grabbed Crimson by the lapels and pulled him up to glare into his eyes.
“If I even think you’re coming after me or anyone I care about, I’m going to take your family apart,” Mare Do Well said. “You get the cops tonight because I just want you out of my mane, but next time it’s personal, and you don’t want to see me get personal. Do you understand?”
Crimson gasped, struggling weakly in her grasp.
“Do you understand?!” Mare Do Well demanded.
He nodded and she let him go, kicking his chin and putting him out for the count.
“She’ll live,” Valley declared, removing rubber hoof-covers and looking annoyed. “But it was a near thing.”
“I thought you said it wasn’t horrible?” Mare Do Well said.
“I didn’t want her to panic. She’s impossible to deal with when she’s freaking out,” Valley said.
“No I’m not!” Gwen squawked. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go trade this dragon egg for my sister, who you abandoned.”
She slid off the table and reached for the egg. Mare Do Well got in front of her.
“It’s not going to happen,” she said. “This is too much trouble.”
Gwen clenched her fist. “But I went through all this just to get it! I have to save her before they throw her away like trash!”
“I promise I’ll find another way,” Mare Do Well said. “Even if I have to go and steal her myself, I won’t let her get thrown away.”
“Mm,” Valley looked away. “I trust her, Gwen.”
“Fine,” Gwen sighed.
“Now, do you have a phone I could use?” Mare Do Well asked. “I want to call the cops before the ponies outside wake up.”
“I never thought I’d see the day when half a crime family was in cuffs all at once,” Officer Beeswax said, shaking her head. “We had to bring two carts just to have room to carry all of them.”
“The one in the fancy suit is Crimson Stream, not sure about the rest,” Mare Do Well said. “They’ll probably tell you once they wake up.”
“The filly they were holding hostage already made a statement, so we finally have something on them that’s going to stick.” Officer Beeswax smiled. “I’m feeling pretty lucky. They might even be denied bail.”
“And the egg?” Mare Do Well asked.
“That one’s going to have to get shipped somewhere else,” Beeswax said. “I don’t want it in my evidence room. There are too many cops that I trust right up until there’s the score of a lifetime right in front of them, you know?”
“I know,” Mare Do Well said.
“If I were you, I’d get it sent to Canterlot. They can keep it safe and send word to the Dragonlord to deal with it.”
The costumed hero nodded. “It’s better if it’s out of the city. Less temptation for everypony involved.”
“You want to tell me why, exactly, these guys are so far from Union Square, anyway?” Beeswax asked. “Don’t get me wrong, I like being able to slap cuffs on them, but this is pretty far from their territory. I get they were after the egg, but…”
“Someone’s dumb kid stole the egg from them. Don’t worry. I think they learned their lesson.”
“You’re kidding,” Loopy said. “Explain this to me one more time.”
“Well, when we sent the egg to Canterlot, it turned out that there was a big finder’s fee,” Bon-Bon said. “We tried to refuse, but dragons equate gold and honor, so there was no way to do it without offending a lot of ponies.”
“Okay, I get that so far.”
“And Lyra heard about what happened off the record, and you know how she is.”
“She gets really excited by things,” Loopy sighed, rubbing the bridge of her snout.
“And when she realized what we could do with all those bits…” Bon-Bon gave Loopy an embarrassed grin. “I owed her an anniversary present anyway, so how could I say no? I mean, they were looking to sell anyway, and it was a good deed!”
“Can we keep her?!” Lyra begged, her tail wagging like a dog. “Please?”
Jasmine Jewel saluted. “I promise to be the best secret agent money can buy! Just promise me I won’t have to sing?”
“We can set up her stage down here so she can charge up, and she can help Bon-Bon with all the paperwork and she’ll look really cute in a suit and we basically saved her from slavery as a pop idol!” Lyra said breathlessly. “We can’t just abandon her now!”
“I don’t really get any say in this, do I?” Loopy sighed.
“If it helps, I want to be here,” Jasmine said. “They told me I could go anywhere in Equestria, and this is what I chose.”
“Gwen is going to kill me,” Loopy groaned.