Dear Twibitch,
Well I had a rather interesting yet horrible event happen today. I had this unicorn stallion with a tornado cutie mark enroll in the school a few days back but ultimately he took on a different form and it was Discord. As you know, I don't like Discord to start with but today he started causing all sorts of chaos. Armor came to life, pictures were flying all over the place, bug bears were attacking the students and a damn Ursa Major came along and caused a considerable amount of damage.
That was all horrible but then Flutterbitch came along, summoned these giant butterflies and they immediately started swooping down at everyone. Now most of them couldn't grab anyone but one grabbed Trixie and carried her off to who knows where. Once again I am without my true love and even worse, I have no idea where the damn thing carried her off to. I tried firing energy at it but missed. Then Butterfly Ass burned me with several bolts of energy and warned me that if I ever attempted to harm her "pretties" again that she would horn rape me and knock me up!
You have to do something, you have to help me find Trixie because I miss her so much. I won't be able to do my job without having her with me and you have to punish Flutterbitch for having her butterflies do this! Curse that fucking Starbitch for letting them get married, curse her! You see, this is all your psychotic sister's fault and you certainly don't want her to simply get away with things like this do you?
Tell you what, I'll even quit bitching and be a complete "yes mare" if you'll save Trixie!
Missing My One Love,
Luster Dawn
Luster,
I don't know if you're trying to troll me or if you're practicing writing comedy stories but I'm not buying this. I know Discord can cause problems and I know Fluttershy has summoned giant butterflies before but please, I highly doubt those things could actually carry something as heavy as a pony. The most they might do is inconvenience the town or maybe destroy a tool shed.
Now look, I have much bigger things to worry about than you're nonsensical letters and IF this is actually legitimate, finding Trixie is your problem, not mine. Now if you will excuse me, I'm going hottie hunting. One pony is not nearly enough to have a good harem, especially given my bitch sister's protege has five of them.
Building a Harem,
Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Dear Luster Bitch,
I'm pretty sure you're really distraught that a giant butterfly carried your bitch wife away and I know you'll probably do anything to have her back. I know where she is and IF you want your precious little wife back, you will pay me 25,000 bits in CASH within 72 hours. If you do not have the funds by then, that ransom will increase by another 25,000 bits per day. After ten days though, I will simply give her to Colgate and her friends as a permanent sex slave. When you get the money, just yell "Discord" and him and I will be there to collect our money.
Holding Trixie Hostage,
The Queen of Chaos, Fluttershy
Dear Flutterbitch,
What the fuck? YOU are holding my sweet Trixie hostage and you think that I simply have 25,000 bits in cash laying around to pay you for her return. Look, I'll find a way to come up with the money but I suppose Twilight was right about one thing when it comes to you, you are a bitch, a total bitch.
Upset I have to Pay You,
Luster Dawn
Dear Mom and Dad,
Right now I am in need of some money. You see, my wife got carried away by a giant butterfly and is now being held hostage by this bitch named Fluttershy. She is demanding that I pay her 25,000 bits in cash to her within three days! If I don't get her the money within ten days, she'll give Trixie to Colgate and I'll never get to see her again! Please help, I don't want to lose my sweet wife.
Your Daughter,
Luster Dawn
Luster,
Seriously, you expect us to believe this? This sounds outlandish as hell but we suppose we can give you the money for whatever the real reason is that you need it for. Now don't go thinking we'll give you money like this all the time because we know that Twibitch must take care of your financial needs somewhat since Starlight provides Bright Beam with anything she needs and then some.
Get your ass up here ASAP and we can go to the bank, alright.
Giving You Money,
Mom and Dad
TWO DAYS LATER
Dear Luster,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for paying to get me freed. You have no idea how much I missed you and your loving touch. That butterfly took me to this crazy realm where Flutterbitch and Discord live. What is horrible is they wouldn't even let me in their house. I had to stay outside and these flying badgers were constantly attacking me and these crazy lightning bugs kept on zapping me. It was horrible, completely horrible!
I'm so happy to be home and ready for you to provide me the physical and psychological comfort I need tonight. I just hope that I can get past what happened before too long.
Love,
Trixie
Dear Trixie,
You have no idea how much I missed you. I was devastated when that butterfly took off with you. I tried talking to Twibitch about it but she thought I was just making everything up. I knew not to try and contact Bright Beam over this because she is too busy getting ready to be mayor, not to mention she would have charged my parents probably 100,000 bits just to try and reason with Discord and Flutterbitch.
I'm glad you're home too and don't worry, tonight will be a night to remember!
Love,
Luster