Chapter 5: Planting Flags
It was a dark and stormy night…
They had bribed the weather team to make it so. All was perfect for the opening act of the Saints rise to power. The chariot towed by Rainbow and Fluttershy carried the Boss high above the Brotherhood penthouse. He was busy observing the structure through a set of high-powered binoculars and plotted silently.
The building was a lavish eyesore and blight for Ponyville. While most homes in this district were wooden with thatched roofs, this was beast of stone and iron. It stood as an oppressive grey monolith and symbol of Ponyville’s conquest, and at an impressive five stories tall it could house almost the entire gang at a time. It also served as an office and outfitting station for all Brotherhood activities in the surrounding region. As a happy coincidence of city planning it sat on the road separating Canterlot and Ponyville, thus making it a lovely lookout post to ward off rival gangs from the capital or from Cloudsdale. Ponyville may have been an earth pony city, but rivals were not above taking weaker cities and forcing differing factions to work for them.
The penthouse itself took up the entire fifth floor and was a marvel of glass and marble. Wide glass rooftop doors lead to an opulent living space. Lush carpet, imported wood furniture, expensive sculptures, and paintings were the norm for this example of debauchery. However, whoever was running this place apparently didn’t get the hint that the Saints were bad news for business. A party raged on without a care in the world. Senior Brothers and trusted collaborators enjoyed drinks, music, and the ‘company’ of less than virtuous mares within the opulent walls.
Just outside the doors was a rather large rooftop pool. Several ponies were busy trying to enjoy the water and fresh air before any rain started on the suddenly dreary night. It was a shame they never bothered to talk with the pegasi about it, or they would have learned that it was supposed to be a crystal clear sky. That’s what they get for dividing the factions…
His survey was cut short as his radio earpiece squawked to life. One had been provided to everypony when they discovered the ear buds fit equine ears surprisingly well. “*tshk* Applejack here, this thing workin’? Ground team is in place, Boss.” AJ’s announcement brought a smile to Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. They were capable of towing the chariot, but they did not enjoy it much. The sooner their cargo was inserted on the roof, the sooner they could ditch the oppressive harnesses.
The ground team, led by AJ and Oleg, consisted of Rarity, Twilight, and Pierce. Pinkie and Shaundi had been hiding in nearby bushes for some time now as scouts. They would be backup team to support whichever branch of the assault needed propping up.
Unfortunately the ponies still weren’t too keen on the idea of the humans using firearms without restriction. Only one shot had been fired at their first brawl, and that was bad enough. However, the reassuring and curiously persuasive words of Oleg Kirrlov did warm them up to the idea considerably, and the day’s events further served to desensitize them. All except Rarity, who refused to come along until Shaundi had loosened her up with liquor. The Boss almost wanted to be on the ground team just so he could watch the drunken pony have at it…
But that had to wait. Their target was too important to mess this up. He was the lieutenant and personal friend of Iron Hart himself, and a mysterious pony that was never seen in public, but all knew his influence. It was this pony that personally guided operations in and around Ponyville, which meant he was directly responsible for ordering every single death and maiming. His office was located deep in that penthouse and would be well guarded.
Applejack in particular wanted his head on a pike.
“*tshk* Twilight here. What do you think, Boss?”
The leader of the Saints scanned the area one last time, searching for the perfect place to land and begin his assault. He did not have to wait long. There, lying on his back in a lounge chair on the roof, was a very familiar looking pony. He was busy icing his crotch as he tried to enjoy the music. A plan in place the Boss keyed the radio in his ear.
“I think some asshole is in my pool…”
This day could not possibly get any worse for Slick. He was less one testicle and his boss had not-so-subtly suggested that if Slick so much as sneezed without covering his muzzle, his body would never be found. The only reason Slick hadn’t already been buried was simply that the blame for the massive cock-up that was their day’s operations was spread around quite generously. His employer was just so baffled by the incompetence of his entire crew that he was left dumbstruck and dismissed the survivors without another word.
But Slick’s recollection of the day’s events was cut short as he stared into the inky void that was the sky. There appeared to be a speck of color moving across it very quickly… As he looked closer it appeared to be a chariot. His eyes were well trained for seeing fine details, a skill that came in handy for his line of work. He noticed the chariot was carrying a figure that wore a light brown detective’s coat and a purple turtleneck…
“Oh buck me…”
“Where do you need us to land?” Rainbow was getting antsy and wanted this done and over with soon.
“Wherever the hell you want, I’m jumping.”
“Ok… Wait, WHAT!?”
The Saint didn’t even wait for the ‘what’ before he hurled himself over the edge of the still-moving chariot. If he had the timing right, he would land on top of a random scrub, use his forward momentum to force the bloke into a slide, then leap off and land right on top of the blighter that he could have sworn should be dead by now… A perfect plan where nothing could possibly go wrong.
There are times when a pony has the incredible ability to make snap judgments in sudden ‘life-or-death’ situations. Often reacting out of pure instinct or training to make the right call at the right time and avoid a horrible excruciating death. Other times a pony may lock up out of panic and eat concentrated pain and suffering.
Slick was experiencing the latter.
In his defense the Saint was a pretty incredible sight to behold. I mean, how often do you see something drop out of the sky and start surfing?
…On top of a pony…
…while laughing manically…
…and heading straight for you while waving a shotgun in the air?
“Ok team, git to moving!”
Applejack wasted no time in kicking down the doors after the signal went up, the signal being screams of pain and terror, naturally…
Twilight, Rarity, and Pierce stormed into the only stairwell in the building and made for the upper floors. Their objectives were to link with the sky team and make a move on the lieutenant running this area’s operation. With him dead or captured the rest of Ponyville’s occupiers would fall like they were a house of cards.
AJ and Oleg raided the first floor and held the stairwell to prevent reinforcements from reaching the assaulters. They were still baffled as to who thought it was a good idea to only build one stairwell, but they didn’t complain as enraged Brothers move to defend their home.
As Twilight left the farm pony and the Russian to fend for themselves she felt a pang of regret and worry… all those incredibly dangerous and well trained gang members would be doing their very best to murder one of her most trusted friends and a stranger from another world…
…She almost felt sorry for the Brotherhood.
Slick was… upset. After surfing on top of a coworker the human had delivered a flying haymaker straight to his groin. This was the third time their paths had crossed today, and the experiences ensured that this man would not leave the pony’s nightmares for years to come.
…Lefty had not survived the encounter.
The world became a haze after that. He distinctly recalled the sound of gunfire around him, but he could not move to investigate. In fact, laying here seemed like a pretty good idea. Maybe he could even have a nap…
Pierce and Rarity were proving to be scarily efficient at poking holes in things that were not meant to have holes in them. The Saint’s mastery over pistols akimbo bordered on artistry as he cleared the mostly empty offices and corridors. Rarity, meanwhile, seemed to actually create art with her blade. That one blood spatter looked suspiciously like Equestrian Gothic. Pitchfork and all…
It was actually rather beautiful if you stopped to appreciate it. It was especially impressive when you considered Rarity was still completely sloshed.
Twilight almost felt ashamed while she simply hurled thugs out windows to earn her keep… Sure they screamed on the way down, but it was just so inelegant. Maybe she could add some topspin to their trajectory…
Rainbow Dash was a little creeped out. She had managed to knock at least eight… no a dozen… no TWENTY bad guys using her awesome super speed and agility. Or at least that was what Rainbow would claim later as she had no witnesses to deny it… But when she looked to her side to check on Fluttershy she was just sitting there quietly by herself.
When they arrived she HAD been completely surrounded, but now she was alone. The only remaining evidence of the former guards was the presence of multiple suspicious blood stains on the walls, but the yellow pegasus was serene.
“Hey Fluttershy… How ya doing?”
“Oh I’m fine, thank you for asking Rainbow.”
“O… kay. Just checking.”
Fluttershy’s gaze turned downward as she realized Rainbow wasn’t convinced. “…Well... I suppose I am a little worried about Angle. I hope he isn’t lonely without me.”
'All right... her priorities check out. Shy has not been replaced by a body snatcher with a thirst for pony blood. Good to know.' Rainbow thought to herself.
All Rainbow needed now was to figure out where her boss had run off to. It should be easy enough to track him, though. Just follow the trail of blood and spent shotgun shells.
The Russian and Farmer combo had become rather bored with their job. Sure it was fun for a while, but you can only buck a guy upside the head so many times before the practice becomes monotonous. The curb-stomping fest needed some freshening up, and Oleg had just the idea to do it.
…Two bottles of vodka later and they were having a dance-off on the skulls of Brotherhood.
AJ opted for a traditional hoedown while Oleg performed his rendition of a hopak, or Cossack dance. Yes he knew it was Ukrainian, but the leg movements could be quite violent when properly motivated. Twilight’s concerns for the wellbeing of the local Brotherhood population were, apparently, quite well founded.
…It was a good day to be a Saint.
It was a shitty day to be a Saint.
He was out of ammo… That has never happened before.
It occurred to the leader of the Saints about thirty shells too late that he had no way of immediately replenishing his stock of ammunition. Improvised blunt weapons, chains, and knives did not keep a shotgun properly fed.
The upside? The top level and fourth floor had been more or less cleared. He now stood in a darkened and ruined administrator’s office with naught but a trail of blood remaining of the guards. All that remained between him and his target was a barricaded door to a storage room.
His scheming was only interrupted by the arrival of his crew. They slowly shuffled in one by one, obviously slightly exhausted from the effort of murdering or at least brutalizing an entire building's worth of their mortal enemies…
That gave him an idea actually… He could do this one of two ways. The smart way, which involved his entire collection of talent, or the way which involved beating a man to death with a soup ladle that he found in the kitchen.
…It was a very nice ladle, he had to admit.
Slick did not know how or why he was lying in a puddle of his own vomit in the grassy field behind the Brotherhood office building. All he knew was that he needed booze, an ice pack, and a way to get the buck out of this damn hick town.
He knew the Brotherhood was still strong in Manehattan. Though bloodied and beaten it was his only option for salvation. As he limped slowly in the direction of the city he couldn’t help but think… 'Next time, aim for my bucking head and be done with it…'
Shaundi, Pinkie, AJ, and Oleg had arrived from downstairs while the Boss finalized his plan. And it was a very good plan, if he dared to say so himself. It was also completely and utterly insane.
“Pinkie Pie… Have you ever tried ‘Saint’s Flow’ before?”
“Nope! Is it good? Do you have some? Oh boy I love trying new things! Like that time I-mphmblehmph…”
The Boss wasted no time clamping his hand over Pinkie’s muzzle. He was starting to get good at catching those nonsensical ramblings. “Just listen real close to me Pinks. Behind that door is the guy we need to take down. You are going to take this here ladle, and a can of Saint’s Flow energy drink, and you are going to flush him out. Can you do that for us?”
As the Boss’ hand was still clenched over her lips, Pinkie simply nodded her head rapidly.
“Lovely… Soon as she downs this thing give her a good ‘flying’ start, Oleg.”
The Russian nodded silently and gingerly picked up the excitable pony as the Boss withdrew a single purple can of the fabled energy drink from a hidden coat pocket. When Pinkie laid eyes on that can a feeling of dread and impending doom washed over the gathered ponies.
Rainbow voiced her concerns. “What’s in that stuff anyway? It’s not gonna hurt her is it?”
Pierce shrugged. “Probably. It’s basically NoDoz, Adderall, cough syrup, and enough sugar to induce diabetic shock.”
The Boss shook his head and sighed. “That’s being mighty generous, mate. Oh well, bottoms up Pinks!”
In one fluid motion the purple can of dubious origins was thrown to the pink mare, opened, and chugged before anypony could voice further protest. Rainbow stared aghast as her gal pal downed the potentially dangerous concoction.
But for Pinkie Pie, time stood still. She was no longer aware of her friend’s concern. She was holding a ladle, and for some reason she was airborne all of the sudden. She vaguely remembered something about a very mean pony that was hiding behind that door she was flying towards. Oh well, she was sure she’d remember after she was inside…
In Canterlot
Princess Luna sat up in her study very suddenly. “Guards, did you just feel that?”
“No, your Highness. I don’t believe so… Is everything all right?”
“It’s fine, I’m sure. I just had the strangest feeling. As though a great disturbance had just upset the balance of magic itself. But I have been drinking, that sort of thing happens sometimes.”
“With respect, ma’am. I warned you about indulging your sister when she gets like that.”
“Yes you’re right… But it’s so much fun see what we can get her to do when she’s intoxicated!”
The royal guard did not show it, but inside he was smiling. It wasn’t often you got to see Princess Celestia wearing a sombrero and doing the Macarena… Powerful stuff, that moonshine.
Back in Ponyville
“Sweet mother of Celestia, she’s like a cannonball!” Rarity stared wide-eyed at the pony shaped hole in the former door while only barely staying upright on her wobbly legs. “...May I try that next? It looks entertaining!” The unicorn smiled wide and giggled drunkenly, clearly having the time of her life.
The Boss made a mental note to have whatever she was having…
“GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!”
The sound of metal hitting skull resonated from within the room. Pinkie must have been swinging that ladle at a mile a minute. Poor blighter never stood a chance… Even the leader of the Saints was speechless. The man had conquered Stillwater, had mid-air gun fights, mid-air TANK fights, fought zombie infestations for the one and only Burt Fucking Reynolds, hijacked fighter jets for fun, and made a habit of assaulting homeless people with oversized sex toys… But he had never seen something like this.
Ponyville’s premier party pony was the apocalypse in a cupcake.
The group’s admiration of the scene was abruptly ended when their target was finally released from his prison. If your definition of 'released' includes ‘forcefully ejected at high velocity’… But what they saw was rather unexpected.
“He’s a griffon!?” Twilight backed away slowly at the revelation. Collaboration between factions on this level was unheard of. She didn’t know what this meant for Equestria but it couldn’t be good.
The battered and bleeding griffon clenched his teeth in barely contained rage. Had he not already known the fury of “Ladle Fighting”, he likely would have been a credible threat to Twilight’s continued existence. But he did know what would happen, so he contented himself with half-hearted growling. “Yeah, you never seen one before? Take a picture toots, it’ll last longer...”
Applejack did not seem to care one bit as she stared at the foreigner. “Can Ah kill him now?”
Boss held up his hand to restrain the enraged farmer. “Hold up, luv. This is new and according to Twi, very unusual. Congratulations, feather-brain. You are officially the first prisoner of war.”
“Can Ah at least buck ‘im once?”
“Only if you aim for the goolies!”
Planting Flags: Mission Complete!
New Crib Unlocked: Ponyville Penthouse
Respect Earned: Level 5
New Homie Unlocked: Twilight Sparkle
New Homie Unlocked: Rarity
Call up your gang members at any time to assist you in combat!