//------------------------------// // XXXI - Unnaceptable Condition // Story: The Distant Princess // by GMBlackjack //------------------------------// The Earldom of Lemongrab may not be the largest city in the Candy Kingdom, but it has the honor of being the most militarized. It, itself, is a massive fort with an extra wall around it just to add to the defenses. Unlike the Candy Capital, which relies entirely on gumball guardians and the often incompetent banana guards for defense, the lemon people of the Earldom are much more able and willing to take up arms should it be required. They’re not much smarter than the average Candy Person, to be sure, but they are a lot more “sour”. Most of this difference from the norm is due to their leader, Lemongrab. Lemongrab is one of the few candy people crafted with an intelligence, though that came at the cost of virtually all normal social skills. He’s a shrill man who takes a near-authoritarian view on “how to rule.” He used to be a complete authoritarian, but after having a rebellion, exploding from the sound of mediocre music, and getting stitched back together by Bonnibel, he cleaned up his act a bit. No longer is the Earldom a cruel fascist state. Now it’s just off the wall weird. ~~~ “There. That fort,” Bonnibel said, pointing down. “That’s his Earldom.” Below them was a town-sized fort with multiple layers and a lemon dome on top. The coloring was unusually drab for a settlement in the Candy Kingdom: little aside from yellows and grays. Most of the settlement’s infrastructure was clearly hidden within the primary fort, though there were several buildings and streets between it and the utterly massive outer walls. Twilight could already make out little dots of lemon people lining up near the city gates—apparently Lemongrab had taken Bonnibel’s instructions to heart. Twilight swooped down, just outside the gates. Both Bonnibel and Apex Daffodil got off, the latter of which grew back to his original size and started grazing. The lemon people waiting for them were short creatures with lemon shaped heads, big noses, and grumpy expressions. They took one look at Bonnibel, nodded, and opened the gates. A shrill scream met Twilight’s ears. Someone’s in pain! She took off with a burst of speed, finding that the scream was coming from a tall lemon person in a white and black uniform. He was pointing angrily at the ranks of lemon people in armor with various weapons. His scream slowly shifted into words, making Twilight stop her panicked rush. “Thiiiiis army is in…. UNACCEPTABLE CONDITION!” he shouted, angrily waving his arms at the ranks of lemony soldiers. Glancing at the army in question, Twilight wasn’t sure what was wrong with it—not that she was an expert in what armies should look like, to be fair. “Not a single one of you is wearing the Candy Insignia! When we march, we have to march properly! W—” He noticed Twilight standing there, staring at him. “What are you looking at?” Twilight was taken aback. “Uh, I, heard screaming and…” She smiled awkwardly. “But it looks like that was all part of the plan, so…” Bonnibel walked up to them, smiling warmly. “Sorry about Lemongrab, Twilight, he can be… loud. Earl? This is Princess Twilight of Equestria. Princess? This is Earl Lemongrab of… the Earldom of Lemongrab.” Lemongrab extended a rigid arm. “Greetings, highness.” Twilight shook his strange, zesty hand. It took all her composure not to shiver from contact with him. “Hello, Earl. We’ll let you get back to y—” “All right!” Bonnibel shouted, at the army, startling Twilight. “There is an army of one-eyed creatures called Watchdogs threatening the Candy Kingdom. If they aren’t at the Capital already, they’re going to be there soon! Since the Princess-King has consolidated all the gumball guardians and the majority of the banana army to the Capital, we should either suspect to arrive on the scene of a battle or a situation where the King surrendered before a fight even broke out. We don’t know, and we can’t know. Lemongrab, am I correct in assuming you tried to reach the King by phone too?” “There was nooooo response!” Lemongrab shrieked. Twilight wondered if he could speak in a way that wasn’t some kind of shriek. “So either he’s being a fool or he’s already been defeated.” Bonnibel pressed her hands together. “Which means, for the sake of the Kingdom, this army is going to march over there and show those watchdogs that not all of us are pushovers. I want you to reach deep into those sour hearts of yours and find a determination within. They’re trying to conquer your kingdom, your home! You cannot let this happen!” “No!” The army cheered with anger. “Good. We’ll be leaving within the hour. Be ready—and don’t worry about the insignia. We need effective soldiers, not well dressed ones.” She turned her back to them. “Earl, Princess? Come with me, please.” The three of them walked toward the central fort of the city, entering another set of gates that led to a yellow-gray set of brick corridors filled with scrambling lemon people. Many of them were grabbing weapons and armor, but several others were busy carting food around and letting out stressed screams. A two-headed lemon was sitting in a corner, crying and munching on a large barrel filled with little lemon candies. It was chaos, pure and simple. Granted, they were preparing for battle, but something about the way they were doing it was putting Twilight on edge. They eventually came to an open room with simple chairs around a wooden table. A single window looked to the east. The tops of the Candy Capital’s towers would have been visible on the horizon were the outer wall not in the way. As it was, the possibility of a beautiful scene was ruined by drab gray defenses. Lemongrab took his position at the front of the table and slammed his hands down. “Insulting me in front of my army is—” “Unacceptable, yes yes, I know,” Bonnibel said, waving a dismissive hand. “We needed to move quickly and you were stuck on uniform choice.” “Hnnnnghhhhhh,” Lemongrab curled his hands into fists. “One week, dungeon, after this is over.” “You’re going to put me in the dungeon!?” “Yes, Miss Bubblegum.” “Miss Bubble—” She took in a sharp breath and let it out. Unable to form a smile, she could only grind her teeth. “You do have that right.” “You’re too used to having authority!” “Too used? I live on a farm, Lemongrab!” “And who in this Kingdom wouldn’t listen to you if you waltzed in and started giving orders?” “You!” “Anyone else?” “The King, Toronto, and... “ She drummed her fingers on the table. “And…” Lemongrab harrumphed, frown deepening, though Twilight sensed this was his way of expressing satisfaction. “See? Your conduct i—” “Um, excuse me,” Twilight coughed, drawing attention to herself. “I see you two have a complex relationship, but do you think maybe you’re being a little unfair to each other? Bonnie, it really wasn’t nice to undermine Lemongrab in front of his people. Lemongrab, Bonnie is trying to do everything she can to stop the invaders from destroying her home, you don’t need to criticize and threaten her just because she’s technically an ordinary citizen.” Lemongrab and Bonnibel glanced around awkwardly. Bonnibel rubbed her arm while Lemongrab was suddenly very interested in the grain of the table. I can’t believe this. “Bonnie, do you think there’s something you should say to Lemongrab?” Bonnibel pressed her hands together and took in a sharp breath. “Lemongrab, I apologize for undermining your authority. It was uncalled for and unhelpful.” Twilight turned to Lemongrab. “And Lemongrab…?” “I’m s… s… s…” Lemongrab gagged before standing as straight as a pole. “No more dungeon for you!” Close enough, Twilight decided. “Now… make up!” She had been expecting a handshake, but instead Lemongrab spread his arms wide, staring deep into Bonnibel’s eyes. With a nervous smile Bonnibel met the hug, resulting in the most awkward embrace Twilight had ever seen between two beings in her life. Lemongrab’s arms stayed angled and rigid while the gum of Bonnibel’s twisted, uncertain of where to go. The awkward pats were so forced Twilight had to keep herself from snorting. Then a woman made out of fire broke through the window. “Right! I’m here, I—” She noticed Lemongrab and Bonnibel. “Wow, did I interrupt some family reunion drama or something?” Lemongrab and Bonnibel quickly detached from each other. “No!” “...Family reunion?” Twilight asked. The fiery woman nodded, the red gem in her forehead sparkling from her own light. “He’s her son. You didn’t know that?” “N-no, I didn’t! Th…” Twilight cocked her head. “They look nothing alike.” Bonnibel coughed. “Candy people don’t reproduce like that, Twilight. Almost all of us are made directly. I made Lemongrab, like I made most of the candy people.” “Oh.” Twilight shook her head. “Now’s not the time, we need to figure out what we’re going to do!” She extended a hoof to the flame woman. “...Phoebe, is it?” “Princess Phoebe Flame,” Phoebe said. “Forgive me if I keep my hand back, I don’t want to burn you.” “Right, right…” Twilight lowered her hoof. “How did you get here so quickly?” Bonnibel asked. “I didn’t think…” “I told the Fire Kingdom to mobilize, left Cinnamon Bun in charge, and flew as fast as I could to Wizard City, punched a wizard, and made him teleport me long-distance. Then I crashed through the window.” She bowed with a coy smile. “I’m here and the Fire Legions will be ready should this little lemony assault fail miserably.” “You underestimate our capabilities!” Lemongrab shrieked. “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that,” Phoebe winked. Bonnibel coughed. “Phoebe, this is Princess Twilight of Equestria.” “And the deer?” “The d—” Bonnibel jumped in fright once she noticed Apex Daffodil was standing right behind her. “When did you get in here?” Apex Daffodil crunched some lemon candy between his teeth. “Apex Daffodil is just a deer,” Twilight said. “With… unusual powers, but still just a deer.” “Okay.” Phoebe accepted this without hesitation. “So, when do we go punch some aliens in the face?” “As soon as the lemon army is ready,” Bonnibel explained. “The plan?” “March over there and… I don’t know.” Bonnibel put a hand to the bridge of her nose. “We don’t have any information. The King’s not answering the phone and I don’t have access to much anymore. We don’t even know if he’s fighting or if he surrendered.” “Then it looks like you need a scout!” Phoebe cracked her knuckles. “I can fly over there, look around, and get back lickety-split. And if they decide to shoot at me I can shoot back.” “I want to know how many of them there are,” Twilight said. “If we can use our numbers to deter them, we might not have to fight at all.” Phoebe leaned in, the flames of her body making Twilight sweat. “You want to try to make peace with a bunch of aliens?” “It’s preferable to war! I don’t want people to get hurt!” “She is right,” Bonnibel said. “We want to avoid conflict if we can help it, but I doubt we can. I met their leader, Lord Hater, as did Twilight. I don’t think the logic of avoiding a losing battle will occur to him.” “We have to at least try,” Twilight pleaded. “Yes… we will.” Bonnibel turned away from them, locking her arms behind her back. “The Candy Kingdom hasn’t been in a full war since last generation’s conflict with the Fire Kingdom. Only this city we’re currently standing in is ready for a fight. Everywhere else… is just prepared for random magic monsters and occasional threats. Not an army.” Twilight sighed. “But you don’t think it’ll work.” “No. I don’t think he’ll listen. I think there will have to be a battle. Possibly a long one.” “Then…” Twilight bit her lip. “Then let’s try to make it as painless as possible.”