A Band of Misfit Losers Hunt the Undead

by Rune Soldier Dan


The Most Dangerous Game (Fluttershy, monster-of-the-week)

Fluttershy was what any expert of the subject would call a lycanthrope – a were-manatee to be specific. One who learned her former principal killed monsters like her several years ago, and while Sunset assured her Celestia only hunted ‘bad ones,’ Sunset also added a ‘probably’ at the end which ruined any relief Fluttershy might have enjoyed. She kept her secret private, and so did Sunset. Perhaps Celestia already knew, but it seemed a bad idea to bring it up. If she didn’t it could lead to screaming terror as the human chased her down, and if she did, Fluttershy would just be a bother. She didn’t like bothering people.

She sipped at her tea – actually it was red juice, but it was served with a tiny cup and plate so calling it otherwise seemed improper. Some blend of cinnamon and other spices rendered the hot drink downright delicious. Fluttershy finished it wish relish, then beamed at the other girl. “This is so good, thank you!”

They sat in an old ranch house, lit only by lamps despite the noonday sun. Tightly drawn curtains blocked the outside, which would have created a frightening atmosphere if not for the occupants. A small, winged snake dozed on a couch’s armrest, appearing comfortable despite the bandages around its middle. A fox as long as a horse lounged against one wall, nursing three of its young while warming them with its five tails.

The woman who served the tea was younger than Fluttershy, but looked a fair bit older. Pale skin, yellow eyes, and deep blue hair had always made Moonlight Raven seem vampire-like even back in high school.

Before she become one in fact as well as fashion.

She was turned by a centuries-old vampire who, like an uncomfortable many of them, favored teenage girls. For all her natural sympathy, Fluttershy couldn’t bring herself to mourn his fate at the hands of Celestia’s group. It involved flamethrowers.

“There’s no blood in yours,” Moonlight said quickly. “I’ve found that adding a small amount to red drinks really helps. Like dieting, you know? Eat enough vegetables and you won’t feel hungry, even though you’re not actually taking in much.”

Her frown tightened. “I can’t keep using my sister. She said she’s cool, but… you know. A butcher said they’ll start selling me blood so maybe that’ll work.”

“It looks like you’re taking good steps to adapt,” Fluttershy said with a calming smile. “I’m proud of you.”

Moonlight grunted and looked away. “Whatever. Thanks for letting me stay here. I know my sister’s paying you but there’s no way that covers the bills.”

It was a dilapidated house that Fluttershy rented cheap, but Moonlight was definitely correct. The good news was that those and other donations let Fluttershy maintain the place with a guilty profit. A flock of talking magpies who wintered there left three diamond rings when they departed.

“Don’t you worry about that,” Fluttershy promised. “I’m going to pick up some tea from Tree Hugger – you’ve met her, the nice dryad? Then I’m going to the mall with Rarity. Do you need anything?”

“No. Thanks.” The words came out tightly. Moonlight was still adjusting, not quite at the point of being reconciled to her new life. Fluttershy understood. She quietly left without another word.


There were, she had come to understand, more things in Heaven and on Earth than were dreamed of in any one philosophy. She had also come to understand that many – most, she liked to think – wanted only to live in peace with humanity. After all, she was one of them.

Sunset would see things that way if Fluttershy ever talked about it. So would Celestia… probably. No need to test that part.

Fluttershy sank a little lower into the pool. The chores were done early, letting her relax at Rarity’s for the heat of the day.

Time to go. Her and her brother were doing the cooking today, which naturally meant she would do it alone.

Maybe just another minute.

“Something on your mind?” Rarity asked. The purple-haired goddess was already getting dressed, pulling her summer clothes lazily over the swimsuit.

“Not really,” Fluttershy mumbled. Actually she was pondering the idea of turning her little refuge into a real job, but it wasn’t something she was quite ready to share.

A dog barked in the distance. Fluttershy smiled.

It barked again, closer. Rarity stared down the driveway, pursing her lips. “What in the world…?”

Leather soles clipped sharply on the pavement as the man advanced. He wore knee-high boots and a brown tunic that resembled a uniform, topped with a pith helmet and a gray moustache so long it merged with his sideburns. One arm casually held a huge, double-barreled rifle in its crook; the other, the leash of a large German Shepard.

Fluttershy quickly got out and began throwing on her clothes. Rarity stepped in front, not even trying to hide the venom in her voice. “Hello. This is my family’s back yard. Can I help you?”

“Steady, Churchill,” the man said, pulling once at the dog’s leash before giving Rarity a quick bow. “In fact, madam, it is I who can help you. I am Lord Henry Palmerstone, hunter extraordinaire. I have pursued blood-curdling supernatural monsters all across the globe, and I regret to inform you one such beast is very close indeed. I have tracked it to this area, and Churchill’s nose is never wrong.”

Unfortunately, the story was entirely believable. Fluttershy began dressing more quickly, while Rarity cast a nervous glance to the woods behind her house. “What… kind of monster?”

“The worst!” Palmerstone bellowed, drawing a frightened squeal from both girls. “A clever were-beast, lurking in human skin and ready to eat you up like a pile of crumpets.”

A low rumble marked Churchill’s growl. It stared directly at Fluttershy.

“Nice doggy,” she tried. Churchill barked again and pointed with its nose.

Palmerstone gave a joyous shout. “Ah, we have the scent! Tally-ho, wot-wot! Where is it, boy? Behind the yellow girl?”

“Sweet doggy,” Fluttershy cooed, holding up both her hands. “Good doggy. Handsome doggy.”

Churchill unleashed a flurry of barks, charging Fluttershy until jerked back with a tight snap of the leash. Palmerstone cursed as he wrangled it down. “What’s gotten into you, boy? You never attack humans! Only monsters.”

He blinked. Looked to Fluttershy. Fluttershy did her best to hide behind her bangs.

“Oh,” Palmerstone said. He adjusted the leash to hold the rifle in both hands. “That’s terribly convenient, if I do say so myself.”

White and purple flashed as Rarity interposed herself, her initial hostility swapped for a disarming smile. “Mister Palmerstone… wahah, beg pardon, ‘Lord’ Palmerstone. There is a huge misunderstanding. Fluttershy here is a lycanthrope, yes, but she’s as harmless as they come! She is a good and dear friend, and isn’t scaring or hurting anyone at all.”

“Sweet girl, she is a were-beast,” Palmerstone rumbled. Casually, he began fitting a giant bullet into his gun. “They can be the bishop of Canterbury during the day, then depopulate an orphanage when the moon turns.”

Rarity gave another little ‘wahah,’ desperately trying to wave him back. “No danger of that, darling. She’s a were-manatee. She only transforms on the full moon if submerged in water, and then only rampages for vegetables.”

“A were-manatee?” Palmerstone asked abruptly. “Like the fat sea-cows? Those manatees?”

“We’re not that fat,” Fluttershy mumbled.

Rarity bobbed her head. “Exactly! No threat at all.”

“Ha! I see. Excellent.” Palmerstone’s moustache bounced with his own excited nods. “Most excellent, indeed.”

Rarity and Fluttershy grinned hopefully.

“I don’t have one of those yet.” Palmerstone finished loading and slapped the gun shut with an audible crack. “I have the perfect place to mount it, right in my smoking room. Were-beasts transform after you kill them, you know.”

“She’s harmless, you murderer,” Rarity growled. Fluttershy discreetly stepped back.

“Murder? No, no, that’s only for people!” Palmerstone boomed jovially. “This is ‘hunting.’ I’ve hunted every natural beast this world has to offer, but even the most dangerous of them have become dull and boring to kill. I tried hunting people for a while, thinking it would be exciting…”

He paused to pinch the bridge of his nose. Fluttershy took another step back. “I was… so wrong. People are dumb. And it’s quite uncivilized to mount them as trophies, so what’s even the point? But monsters, now, there’s a fine adventure. Each is different and exciting. And they’re not human so the law declines to meddle.”

He brightened. “Actually, it would be quite cute to get a manatee stuffed. I have a niece who–”

Rarity’s purse flew into his face, followed by Rarity. “Fluttershy, run!”


Alas, it took no time at all for the larger man to throw Rarity off and chase his prey into the woods. Rarity wasted no time either, quickly retrieving her phone and dialing a number.

“Hello, this is Canterlot Police.”

“Darling, a crazed gunman is chasing my friend! She’s a were-manatee and he just wants to hunt her for sport.”

The voice on the other end grew strained. “A… were-something? Ma’am, we definitely can’t do anything about creatures that don’t exist.”

“Oh, forget about that,” Rarity pressed quickly. “Look, he calls himself a monster hunter, and he’s hunting her!”

“Hold on, let me check.” Papers obnoxiously shuffled in Rarity’s ear. “Nope, nothing against some adorable role-players pretending to hunt monsters. Sorry, but thanks for calling.”

“Are these really my tax dollars at work?” Rarity snarled.

The officer snapped back. “Look, lady: the last time I poked my nose in hunter business I got swallowed by a giant ant. We stay out of the way and pretend not to hear the gunshots, they make sure the city doesn’t wake up in literal Hell. Got supernatural problems, call a damn hunter.”

Rarity hung up in lieu of the last word. Fluttershy needed her. Fortunately, after the Tirek debacle Sunset had shared a collection of numbers with her friends.

A call to Celestia… no answer.

Miss Luna… same.

Miss Harshwhinny… “Hello?”

“Miss Harshwhinny, it’s Rarity. I don’t have time to explain, but there’s a hunter chasing Fluttershy and we need help.”

“Why would a hunter chase Fluttershy?”

Damn it. “She’s a were-beast, but that’s not important right now.”

“It assuredly is,” Harshwhinny said sternly. “Nighttime murders, rampages on the full moon. What have you idiot children been hiding from us?”

“She’s a manatee, you morons!” Rarity cried. “Completely harmless! And she needs help!”

Harshwhinny was unmoved. “I’m a hunter, not a vigilante. I don’t expect you to appreciate this, but us running around murdering humans would have tremendous legal consequences. If it’s a human causing the problem you should hang up and call the police.”

Rarity hung up, and screamed many, many words she would never say in public. She then dialed a new number, and spoke savagely when it was answered.

“Sunset Shimmer, you are leaving to save Fluttershy right this instant or we are no longer friends.”


Trees whipped past as Fluttershy ran. So did the odd bullet. An unending ‘eeeeeeee’ flew from her mouth, only audible to bats and, alas, dogs.

The man didn’t try to keep up. He probably couldn’t run fast in those boots anyway. Fluttershy stumbled from the copse back into open suburbia. The ocean oddly stretched before her – Rarity’s part of town stood on a large hill, not far from the beach.

Her phone buzzed. Fluttershy snatched it up. “Meep!”

“Fluttershy, we’re heading to the bookstore on Hickory Street!” Sunset’s voice shouted over the hum of a car. “Keep moving! Are you close?”

“Very,” Fluttershy gasped. She sped forward, beaming breathlessly in the next few minutes as Wallflower’s parked van came into sight, right at the hill’s edge. Applejack and Sunset were already clambering out with pistols; Adagio, with her knife.

Sunset moved ahead to intercept the unseen pursuer, leaving Applejack to catch Fluttershy as she collapsed.

Adagio yawned. “Why am I here?”

“Because I ordered you,” Applejack said curtly. She kept one arm around Fluttershy, with head on a swivel. “Any sign, Sunset?”

“She’s looking the wrong way, wot-wot.”

Her head snapped up. Lord Palmerstone stood casually atop the bookstore’s awning, puffing steadily on a wooden pipe. He tossed a small glass bottle to their feet.

“You all wouldn’t last a day in the Himalayas, but I shouldn’t brag. You are just women.”

Instinct bid Applejack to hurl herself in front of Fluttershy, but it was in vain. The bottle broke and erupted, sending her into a coughing fit as yellow powder blasted to the air. She heard Sunset shout from a distance, then was knocked to the ground. Her arm slid off Fluttershy as the girl suddenly grew. Adagio’s silhouette squawked and writhed on the ground.

The dust settled. A manatee lounged in place of Fluttershy, its abrupt growth having been what slammed into Applejack. Adagio’s legs had fused into a mermaid-like tail, utterly unsuited to keeping her upright on land.

“The powder of Ibn-Ghazi,” Lord Palmerstone cheerfully announced. “It makes all things become what they truly are, and by Jove, we have two fish on the line! A siren’s tail would look smashing over my parlor door…”

Applejack launched herself into the awning’s supports, crumbling the cheap metal and staggering Palmerstone. “Y’all run!”

“How!?” Adagio shrieked.

“I dunno, just–”

Churchill tackled Applejack, snapping and biting and large enough to knock over even her. Palmerstone recovered his footing and snatched up his rifle.

“I can’t change back,” Fluttershy mewled. Her gray, whiskered face scrunched up in fear. “What do we do? We can barely move!”

“I don’t know,” Adagio snapped, clambering into something of an upright position before falling again. She frantically looked around. Her dagger was worthless. Sunset was sending a few quick shots Palmerstone’s way, but that only stalled things. He had the high ground, and any number of tricks up his sleeve. Applejack was being hard-pressed to save herself, let alone Adagio.

She pressed herself to Fluttershy’s side. Nothing else for it, so at least the manatee made for good cover.

Fluttershy rocked unexpectedly with the push. Strange. Adagio couldn’t shift the blubbery mass on a good day. She glanced down, and saw they were perched right at the cusp of the hill. Nothing to the right of them but a long, steep decline.

“I have an idea.”

Poor, innocent Fluttershy smiled. “Oh, good.”

Adagio shoved for all she was worth, then grinned as she felt momentum and gravity wed in Fluttershy’s bulk. She held tight as Fluttershy accelerated, sliding down the incline and screaming all the while.

The plan was to ride her all the way down, which regrettably found complication when Fluttershy began to roll.

Applejack managed to kick off Churchill, but not before Palmerstone slid from his perch and ducked into an alley. He smiled thinly – the game was assuredly in his favor. His nautical prey would make little headway once they reached the bottom of the hill, and onrushing police would keep their bodyguards busy. Gunfire, daylight, and upper-crust suburbia were an awkward combination. Barely anything left to do but collect his trophies and–

“Haf you heard? Haf you heard?”

A purple girl ran towards him, with a magenta streak in her hair and wearing a moustache.

Confused, he let her go on. “Ze most famous hunter in ze world is about to give ein lecture at ze Canterlot Library! Yes, ze famous monster hunter, um, um, Adolf Gesundheit! Yes, yes, he has hunted all ze monsters und everyone is zere to hear him talk about how he is ze best und most famous monster hunter in ze world, und also dot English men have small penises.”

Palmerstone’s moustache bristled. His monocle popped from his eye and swung down upon its chain.

Hunting was a question of patience. It could always wait. There was always another chance. But honour…

“Poppycock!” he roared. Veins bulged from his neck. “Famous hunter, my foot! I have never even heard of this man, this charlatan, and soon no one else will either! Where is Canterlot Library, my good… um, person?”

“Dot vay!” The helpful stranger pointed, alas opposite of where the manatee fell. Damned luck. Palmerstone gave a sharp whistle, summoning Churchill to his side, and took off with as fast a strut as dignity allowed.


Sunset dodged the police. Less experienced in the matter, Applejack tried to explain. The minute she said ‘monster hunter,’ they put away their notebooks, commented loudly that it was funny how someone mistook a sputtering engine for gunfire, and drove away.

Fortunately, the transforming powder didn’t last long. The gang convened at a café, nervously watching the door and plotting their next move. Twilight had run off in the hopes of using some old-fashioned nepotism to get her police-lieutenant brother to do something.

“Little weird,” Sunset mused. “Think about all the times we’ve opened fire where someone could hear. This… veil? Collective denial? Sucks to be on the receiving end, but we do need it.”

Adagio opened her mouth, clearly with something less charitable to say. Fluttershy’s phone interrupted.

She glanced at its ID, then turned on the speaker. “Hi, Rarity.”

“Darling, whatever he tells you, don’t do it!”

“Enough of that, missy.”

Rarity’s voice gave a gagged ‘Hmph!’ before a familiar male’s cut in. “Hello, future taxidermy projects. Top of the afternoon, wot-wot.”

“Are you really this much of a bastard?” Sunset growled. “Let her go this instant!”

Palmerstone chuckled. “She’s perfectly free! All she needs to do is untie herself from the buoy off Pier 17. Before the waves start getting rough, you know. The tide comes in, the buoy starts bobbing with poor Rarity attached… and good gracious, what if it capsizes? I had to hold my breath a good four minutes to survive a fight in the Amazon. Do you think she can match that?”

“Now will the police listen?” Applejack grumbled.

“I doubt you have time for that,” Palmerstone said coolly. “And if someone were to flip the buoy themselves, why, there wouldn’t be anything for them to see! Just an affable son of England, enjoying a spot of sherry and warm weather on his boat.”

Sunset curled her hands into fists. “What to you want, you maniac?”

Palmerstone took a long sip of something on the other end and smacked his lips. “Not a surrender. We’ll make this sporting. Come to the pier, quick as you like. I’ll explain the rest there.”

The line went dead. Fluttershy swallowed hard, and Sunset found herself a bit touched that Adagio reached over and squeezed her hand.

Applejack gave a grin that didn’t find her eyes. “No help for it, but soon there’ll be no helping him. He’ll be focused on you. Sunset and I will get him.”

“Only pistols. Short range.” Sunset mumbled. “Definitely no time to go home.”

“We have to move. Rarity saved me, and now she needs us.” Fluttershy swallowed again, but her eyes were dry. “I’ll… try to keep him busy. I trust you guys to come through.”

Adagio shrugged, then smiled. “Me too, I guess. On both counts.”

They left. Canterlot’s beaches were popular at this time of the year, but Pier 17 was a deserted, half-built wreck. Churchill sat chained to a bench, dozing in the sun. A lone sailboat bobbed off the pier, with Palmerstone sitting atop it. He lounged on a beach chair and sipped from a glass, with rifle ready and scantily-clad white form struggling on the buoy to his right.

Adagio raised her voice. “Why is she in her swimsuit?”

Palmerstone lifted a megaphone to reply. “So her clothes don’t get wet! I’m not uncivilized.”

Way too far for a pistol shot. Sunset grimaced, letting him carry on. “On the table to your fore, you will find a glass vial of the powder of Ibn-Ghazi. Smash it between you, then the siren and were-beast shall swim up and try to save the girl. You shall be hard targets in your natural environment; a fine challenge, and quite sporting of me if I do say so myself. Free her and bring her to shore, and you win! Our dangerous game shall continue tomorrow, but she will be saved. And if I shoot you first, well… you know. Risk, reward, and all.”

“Let’s do it,” Applejack growled lowly. “I can swim right for him. Reckon I’m fast as any of you.”

Adagio blew up a curl. “You reckon wrong. Plus, then it’d be you against that elephant gun.”

“Got a better idea?” Applejack asked. There was challenge in the words, but also hope. She sighed when silence followed.

They gathered around the vial. No one quite met each other’s eyes. Sunset cracked it without ceremony, letting the pressured dust engulf them all.

This was her first time being hit with it. A vague itchiness. A loud sneeze.

…And much, much more. She felt pressure at her forehead, hands, and feet, but the rest of her body became boneless putty. She toppled and caught the fall, yet her hands felt no pain. She tried to stand back up, felt it bizarre and unbalanced. Fell again, and was thoroughly comfortable to be on all fours.

Her sharp mind took only two seconds to connect the dots. She wiggled her fingers, found they did not exist. Instead she felt a weight on her forehead, so nostalgic that it felt natural despite the long pass of years. It was hard and bony, yet strangely sensitive to thought and energy. A sixth sense of magic, brimming with power.

The dust settled. Adagio flopped awkwardly with her fish tail. Fluttershy moved to shuffle towards the water, but all stopped and stared at Sunset.

Palmerstone voiced his confusion into the megaphone. “What in the bloody hell?”

Sunset stepped out before her friends. Four round hooves clapped loudly on the concrete pier. A familiar blue-green flared around her form.

“What’s the matter, dickwaffle? Never seen a unicorn?”

“I have, and I killed them,” Palmerstone replied. He shrugged and raised his gun. “And unicorns don’t have wings! But all’s well. You’ll look dandy in my billiards room.”

“Will I?” Sunset growled with a grin. She shot straight upwards, flapping her wings to get above the sailboat. One shot missed. Some strange, instant reflex kicked in at the second and her horn pulsed, deflecting the bullet.

Quick and calm, Palmerstone reloaded.

“No. Enough.” Blue-green glowed again, but it was quickly blocked by bright orange and white. A fireball, larger than the sailboat.

Sunset let it fly. “You’ve done enough.”

Palmerstone blinked at the approaching fireball. He straightened his back, then took off the pith helmet and held it over his heart. “God save the queen.”


Rarity majestically rode Fluttershy back to shore, although manatees were not very fast and it took a while. Sunset busied herself shepherding their way to the beach, seizing it as a desperate distraction. Because holy shit.

Holy shit.

Wings.

She had no idea why. How. When. Any of that. Except ‘what,’ of course. She was an alicorn.

Her breathing finally slowed. No, no she wasn’t. Maybe in Equestria, but here? Just Sunset Shimmer. No responsibilities beyond her friends and family. No need to think about something that wouldn’t affect her life once the powder wore off.

She gave herself an extra minute in the air once Fluttershy reached the beach. She saw her and Adagio change back, and Fluttershy begin petting Churchill.

Sunset landed. Very weird, looking at things from a pony’s height. Applejack towered above her even more than usual.

“Be careful, sugar.”

“He’s a good boy,” Fluttershy promised. The dog began happily panting under her ear scritchies.

“I guess mankind is the real monster,” Adagio smirked. Even she seemed freakishly tall.

Sunset’s arrival broke up the talk. She approached the group, and they stared to her in abject shock.

“Come on, dudes,” she grumbled. “This was surprising, but it makes sense. Except the alicorn thing, but come on, that doesn’t even mean anything to most of you. Give it a rest.”

“That ain’t it,” Applejack said dumbly. Fluttershy and Rarity covered their mouths with their hands.

Sunset groaned. “This better not be about me icing the guy, either. Let me tell you, I feel okay and so should you.”

“Not that, either,” Fluttershy breathed. A high-pitch squeal was building out of Rarity like a teapot.

“Then what!?” Sunset snapped. “What is…”

She trailed off as they stepped closer. Applejack wasn’t tall, she was huge. So were the rest.

Sunset looked down. She saw a half-crushed can in the sand. Nearly as wide as her hoof, and standing upright all the way past her fetlock.

Pressure came on her sides. Gently, tenderly, Applejack picked her up. She was small enough for the girl to almost wrap her hands around, like a good-sized cat.

Slowly, Fluttershy reached out and began scratching her ears. Rarity, her back. Applejack, her chin. All three girls wore looks of wide-eyed adoration.

“Are you kidding me?” Sunset snarled.

“Wook,” Rarity mumbled. “She’s so angwy.”

The girls cooed and continued their scratching. Sunset rolled her eyes, then closed them. “You know what, whatever. I’m turning back in ten seconds.”

She counted slowly to ten, trying to fight down the purr in her chest.

Then to twenty.

“She’s purring,” Applejack said sleepily. The girls awwwww’d their agreement.

One hundred. Two hundred.

She gave up at two-fifty. “WHY DOES THIS CRAP ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!?”