I hate to admit it, but it took me a few days to figure out what crime to commit. Despite my excitement for figuring out what I was good at, I was afraid to take the plunge into crime. Perhaps it was my upbringing by Princess Twilight, or perhaps it was my knowledge that there would be no turning back. Regardless of the reason, I spent nearly a week creeping around Canterlot during the nighttime, searching for a crime to commit. I came across many easy targets, such an elderly mare walking home alone, and a group of children playing outside in the dark. Neither would have required any effort from me to kidnap or rob, which was maybe why I left them alone. They were too innocent. If I was to become a criminal for the sake of success, then my victim had to be someone equally as bad.
It wasn’t until I found another robber that I took the plunge. He wore a mask, but his buck teeth were a dead giveaway to his identity, since there had been wanted posters of a masked stallion with buck teeth put all over the city recently. He was sneaking into a middle-class house, and so I followed him. My plan was to wait for him to steal the money, after which I would rob him, return half to the homeowners, and take the other half for myself. It was better than taking all the money, which was what this jerk was probably planning to do.
I snuck into the house behind him, ready to flee at the first sign of him realizing he was being followed. The house was quaint, and the residents--a middle-aged couple and their little boy--could be heard snoring. I made sure to hide in the shadows and keep my distance, skills I learned from the times I had to steal my comics back from Princess Twilight’s room while she slept. She’d hide my comics in her room often, mostly because I’d end up reading them all night and not get any sleep for a week at a time.
I continued following the robber, figuring that he knew where the family kept their money. But as he entered the living room for the fifth time, I could tell that he had no clue where to look. Worse, he kept bumping into the furniture, which freaked me out because one sound too loud could wake up the family. A few more minutes and three more circles around the house passed until the robber tripped over the most noticeable chair ever, which wasn’t even in his way. When he fell, he slammed against the wooden floor, causing a loud creak to echo throughout the house. And to make it worse, he let out a loud, “Ouch!”
Somehow, the family didn’t wake up. But furious at his stupidity, I whispered to myself, saying, “You idiot.”
And that was when the family woke up.
Hearing my words, the robber turned around and spotted me hiding behind a couch. He let out a growl, like he was ready to attack me, but before any confrontation could happen, the father ran out of the bedroom and charged toward me.
“Look at what you did!” the robber said. He had a hick accent, like of the dumbest country bumpkin imaginable.
I blew a fireball toward the father, purposely missing. I had hoped the stallion would stop charging after seeing the attack, but instead, he only galloped faster. Not wanting to hurt him, I flew away, only for the other robber to grab onto my wings. His weight dragged me to the floor, after which he let me go. With no option but to fight, I blew the smallest amount of fire I could at the father, igniting a few of his hairs. The flames caused him to stop and try to put them out, and I used the opportunity to flee.
“I can’t leave without the money,” the other robber said, fleeing alongside me.
“Where is it?” I said.
“How would I know?”
“You’re a robber. Isn’t it your job to know?”
“At least I didn’t wake him up.”
With a growl, I turned around and flew toward the father, who had just gotten done putting out the flames. After grabbing some nearby rope, I flew around him and tied his hooves together, causing him to trip. With the father unable to move, the other robber put his weight on him to keep him pinned. “Where do you keep your money!” I yelled. I thought this would intimidate the father, but instead my childish voice just made him chuckle.
The mother and son crept out of their room and into the hallway. When they saw me and the other robber, they froze. My original intention had been to tell them to hide in their rooms, since I didn’t want to traumatize the child. But after the father laughed at me, all I wanted to do was show him just what this baby dragon was capable of.
I turned my head toward the mother and child, and blew a flame a few inches in front of them, lighting the floor on fire. The flame was so small that it was harmless, but it caused the child to jump back and tremble nonetheless. “Tell me, now, or I’ll burn them to a crisp.”
As enraged as I was, I was praying that the father would tell me where the money was. Don’t make me do it. I can’t. Even if it means Rarity, I can’t.
Thankfully, the father was quick to show me the family safe. “Guess I was a fool to believe you were a hero,” he said, hanging his head as he opened it.
The other robber and I unloaded the entire amount, which was what most ponies made in an entire month. We split it fifty-fifty, but I returned half of my share, leaving me with only a quarter of the total amount. It stung giving up what was a decent amount, and when I returned it, the father shot me a glare, as if to let me know that I was still scum. He was right, but being scum was a heck of a lot better than an assistant. “And remember, no cops. Otherwise, I’ll be back," I told him.
As the robber and I left the house, I led him to a nearby alleyway, where I planned to mug him. I would take half of his share, and then return half to the family. However, as we walked through the front yard, I noticed the many cameras that I hadn’t seen before. I froze. “We’re screwed.”
“We’re fine. I shut them off before I went in, obviously.”
Confused, I followed him to the alleyway, where he raised his hoof, like he wanted me to high-five him. I left him hanging, but he high-fived me anyway. “I like you,” he said. “That fire breath you got is a heck of a weapon.”
“How did you shut off those cameras? What other security did they have? Tell me everything. Don’t hide it.”
He let out a laugh. “No need to worry. I shut down the security every time I go into a house. Mighty smart, ain’t it.”
That was when I realized that I was way over my head with this. If I was going to be a criminal, then I had to get smarter.
“I want to show you to my boss. I reckon he’d like you too,” he said, taking off his mask. When I saw his face, I couldn’t help but feel that I’d seen him before, but I couldn’t figure out when or where. “Hayseed Turnip Truck’s the name. What’s yours?”
“Uh… Mr. Smokes.”
“That ain’t a real name.”
“That’s what I go by, okay.”
Keeping my mask on, I followed Hayseed as he led me across the city, toward whoever his boss was. For all I knew, I could’ve been walking into some ambush. After all, as dumb as Hayseed appeared, he was smart enough to know about the house’s security and how to shut it down. And even I knew that there was no honor among thieves. Still, I followed him, perhaps because I had no choice but to do that. If I stayed on my own, it was only a matter of time before I was caught. Of course, I’d never go to jail due to Princess Twilight’s influence, but the shame of being caught--especially as the loser I still was--was worse than any jail sentence.
Hayseed led me to the wealthy neighborhood I’d visited earlier. He entered a luxury restaurant that looked like any other in this part of town, and went into the kitchen. In the end of the kitchen was a closet. Hayseed flicked the light switch up and down several times in a row, after which a section of the floor vanished, revealing a staircase that led into some sort of underground tunnel. He led the way toward the tunnel, and when we reached it, the floor reappeared above us. The tunnel led to many others. It was like an entire maze existed beneath Canterlot. The path Hayseed followed eventually led us to another disappearing floor, beyond which was the inside of a mansion.
“Welcome to the boss’ home. Pretty isn’t it,” Hayseed said.
I was starstruck by the wealth. It was a palace fit for a king, even more opulent than the Royal Palace. I continued staring in awe until I saw him, the owner of all that I yearned to have: Fancypants.
He stood beside dozens of unicorn stallions who looked like brutish thugs. His well-known mistress, Fleur De Lis, stood beside him as well. I froze, wanting nothing more than to turn the pony who Rarity had chosen over me into ash. Seeing his mistress enraged me even more, since it showed me just how unjust the world was. Despite being nothing but a good friend to Rarity, she’d rejected me for a guy who openly slept with other mares.
“Kill him,” Fleur De Lis said, breaking me from my anger. My heart sank from her words, and my body felt petrified from fear when the thugs charged toward me. But as soon as the fear had come, a surge of adrenaline took control of me. Without thinking, I blew a jet of fire at the thugs. All of them used magical shields to block the attack, but the force of it knocked them backward onto the wall. The impact shattered their shields and knocked them unconscious. I was ready to attack Fancypants and his whore, but before I could do so, he began to clap his hooves, looking me straight in the eye with his usual classy smile. “Just what I expected, my boy.” He walked toward me with no hint of fear in his posture. “Fancypants is my name, but I have a feeling you already know that.”
I nodded.
“No need to keep your guard up. This was simply a test to gauge your ability, and I have to agree with Hayseed that it is quite remarkable.”
“Hayseed? But how could he have told you--”
“I wouldn’t be a good boss if I sent my men on their missions without assistance, now would I? He, and everypony else who works for me, has a transmitter, allowing me to hear everything around them, as well as allowing me to guide them if needed.”
“Guide them?” I turned to Hayseed, who had his usual dumb expression on his face. “Then that means…”
“Clever too. I’m impressed. I could hear your movements as you followed him, and so I led him to creating a situation where I could witness just some of your abilities, Mr. Smokes.”
As terrified as I was of Fancypants’ cleverness, I was astonished by it as well. “And I’m impressed too.” I turned to him, curling my lips into a sinister grin. “Not just with your intelligence, but everything. All of this. Your wealth, your mares.”
Fleur De Lis sneered at me, but Fancypants calmed her with just a glance.
“You’ve got it all, everything I want. I hope you appreciate my honesty. I’m betting that most hide their ambition, so they don’t get seen as a threat.”
“And that sincereness is exactly why I’ve taken a liking to you,” Fancypants said, stopping in front of me. He was far enough that he didn’t invade my personal space, but close enough that I knew I had his full attention. The perfect combination to put anyone at ease, even me. “Criminals who have no inhibition are a dime in a dozen, but one who gives half of his share back to his victims… that is somepony I wish to work with. A gentleman brute.”
In a moment of weakness, I replaced my grin for a smile. I’d begun to think that my kindness was a weakness, but if someone as successful as Fancypants believed that it was a strength, maybe it was one?
“If I’m gonna work for you, then I have two conditions.”
“Ask away.”
“One, if there’s a way to do the crime without hurting anyone, then we’re choosing that way.”
With a smile, Fancypants nodded.
“And two…” I took off my mask. Fancypants had no reaction from seeing my face, as if he already knew it was me. Fleur De Lis and Hayseed were taken aback. “Help me hide my identity. No one, especially not Princess Twilight, can know who I am.”
“I will do what I can, but if I may ask, why the formality when addressing her highness? Isn’t the Princess your lifelong friend?”
My sinister grin returned as I put my mask back on. “She was Spike’s friend. I’m Mr. Smokes.”