“Hey, Mom? You and Aunt Celly really suck at scheduling.”
“Oh?” Mom asked, turning away from the giant cheese wheel. “How so?”
Moondog rolled her eyes. “Like, a few moons ago, she was all like-”
self.setAppearance(auntCelly.getAppearance());
Turning into Aunt Celly, Moondog tittered, “‘Oh, Twilight! Guess what! Since you’ve done such a good job learning about friendship and teaching Equestria about it, we’re abdicating and leaving the country to you. Like, right now. Like, right now right now. Here’s your crown. Happy princessing!’ And just yesterday you decided to take a vacation tomorrow! Would it kill you to plan your time a little better? And this is me saying that.” A neon sign blazed into existence, flashing and pointing at Moondog. “ME.”
“I admit,” Mom said, looking up at Moondog, “that Tia can be a little… spontaneous at times.”
“A little?” snorted Moondog.
Mom sighed and tapped her on the nose.
--Error; MomOverrideException e
self.setAppearance(DEFAULT);As Moondog literally slipped back into her normal shape, Mom said, “Perhaps our scheduling could… use some work. But Twilight and her friends are up to the task for one day. Tia put in extra time to ensure the worst work was already completed. They shall only have to deal with unimportant matters of ceremony.”
“Eeeh…” Moondog rubbed the back of her neck. “You know they’ll probably find some way to mess it up, right?”
“If so, thank goodness it shall be a mere ceremony they botch rather than a diplomatic treaty.”
“I guess.”
Peeling a window off the wall, Mom asked, “So did you have a point in coming here tonight besides making fun of our scheduling?”
“So, you know the Elements.”
“My memory would be abysmal were that not so.”
“Since they’re already undergoing a crash course in leadership, do you mind if I test their skills at dream managing while you’re away tomorrow night? I mean, if they’re interested, I could use someone to replace me-”
“Replace you.” Mom raised an eyebrow.
“Well, yeah. When you retire, I’ll be replacing you, so I might need a second, just like I’m your second now. You just gotta…” Moondog put her hooves on top of each other. “…shuffle everything around.”
“Ah. You know I could help-”
“No!” said Moondog, flaring her wings. “No. NO. Noooooooo. Mom, you’re retiring. You get to relax.”
“And if I want to assist you in protecting dreams?”
“Then we’ll have an extra mana source for that night. But if you don’t want to help, then you shouldn’t have to.”
Mom nodded. “Tia and I are already planning on putting some of our magic in an amulet for Twilight to raise and lower the sun and moon. Certainly I could do the same on a smaller scale to assist them in dream magic. Perhaps link them all in a shared dream.”
“And I can take up any slack. I mean, they’ll need to learn it for real if they want to actually help me in the future, but this is a good starting point. Thanks.”
“You are quite welcome.” Mom was about to turn back to the dream when she started beaming. “Look at you.”
Moondog flicked her ears. “Uh…”
“You are already preparing for your time as Princess of Dreams!” said Mom. She put a hoof on Moondog’s shoulder. Her wings tensed up for a moment, then went slack again. “I never would have thought you would take the transition quite this seriously.”
“Mom, dreams are pretty much the one thing I always take seriously.” Moondog stepped closer to Mom and wrapped her wings around the two of them. “I’ve got a lot to live up to.”
“Oh, you cannot sully my legacy any more than I already have,” Mom replied as she returned the hug. “But I appreciate the sentiment.” When she stepped back, her eyes were wet. She opened her mouth, closed it again, nodded, and quickly turned away, saying, “But we must get back to dreams for tonight.”
“Yep. Adios, madre.” Moondog prepared to leave, but didn’t quite follow through, not just yet.
waitFor(it);
“I love you,” Mom gasped out.
There it was. “Love you, too.”
The night inched closer and closer. All the while she managed third-shifters’ dreams, Moondog’s mind kept drifting forward to the Elements and any potential skills in dream magic they might have. Was she putting too much pressure on them by dropping dream protection on them? Only one way to find out. If worse came to worst, she could always fall back on Shining Armor. He was taking pretty well to shielding Flurry Heart (when she needed shielding, anyway).
It was only later that Moondog realized a potential flaw in the plan: she could devote literally all of her time to managing dreams and Mom most of hers, but Twilight and her friends were going to just come in from a day of royal duties. Depending on… recent events, they might not be at their best. But after a bit of thought, Moondog brushed that off. The day couldn’t have been that bad, could it?
“ALL SWANS MUST DIE!”
In spite of how plush the antechamber was, Rainbow’s voice echoed through it like it was a cave. She paced back and forth around the room, thrashing her wings and gnashing her teeth. The other Elements were relaxing on the cushions and couches spread around (Pinkie Pie was the only one who’d chosen a seat on the ceiling), except for Rarity, who was already testing her Mom-lent oneiromancy to make various dresses and outfits for herself and examining them thoroughly in a mirror. Which probably meant…
sharedDream.getIntegrity(); return: 100.00
Yeah. Whatever magic items Mom had enchanted for the Elements, they were working like a charm (literally). Moondog wouldn’t need to do any work keeping it intact. Which was good, considering Rainbow Dash was doing her best earthquake impression (a surprisingly good one, at that).
“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said sternly. “Once we got help, the Swanifying was not that bad.”
Rainbow whirled on her like she’d said the Wonderbolts weren’t the most impressive flying group in Equestria. “I’m not talking about the Swanifying, I’m talking about the swans! They’re aggressive, they’re noisy, they’re suuuuuuuuper territorial… The Swanifying is stupid and the princesses are stupid for hosting it!”
“Thanks for insulting my mom, Rainbow Dash,” Moondog said, grinning broadly as she cocked the ballista.
“SHE IS!” screamed Rainbow. “AND I WILL NEVER TAKE IT BACK!” Pause. “Just about the swans, though,” she added.
Moondog’s eyes narrowed, but she said, “Good enough.”
ballista.delete();
“So,” Moondog said to the room at large, “Mom told you all what’s going on here?” Various nods and affirmations from all the ponies. Rarity even managed to pull herself away from the mirror. “I just figured,” Moondog continued, “that if you were running Equestria for a day anyway, we might as well see if dream magic’s a thing any one of you wants to do. Before we go any deeper, any questions?”
Fluttershy raised a hoof. “Um. Can I leave?”
“Absolutely,” said Moondog. “I don’t want to force any of you into this and it’s not as necessary as, you know, managing real things.” Even if those things being managed were just ceremonies for swans.
“Well. Um.” Fluttershy lowered her hoof. “If it’s just that easy, then I think I’ll stay for now.”
Twilight’s hoof shot up. “Why isn’t Spike here? He’s just as much a part of the group as any pony.”
“He won’t want to help,” said Moondog. “He’s still a bit young and, as your number one assistant, his days are super busy for a growing boy, besides. He needs his rest.”
“And we don’t?” demanded Rarity, looking away from the mirror for one second.
“Adulthood sucks, don’t it?”
“Could you ask him?” asked Twilight. “I can understand if he doesn’t want to help, but we should at least give him the option.”
“Alright.” Moondog pulled open a hole in dreamspacetime to Spike’s dream. “Hey! Spike! Wanna spend all night working?”
The blast of fire that was his answer incinerated her from head to hoof.
“He said no,” she said to Twilight.
self.setAppearance(DEFAULT);
As she reconstituted herself, Moondog said, “Now, this is all pretty simple. I’ll take you on dream patrol with me and give you all a chance to make good dreams and/or vanquish nightmares. I assume you’re all getting the hang of dream magic?”
Applejack tapped the cushion beneath her and its color shifted from red to green in an instant. “I feel like I’ve been doin’ this my whole life,” she said. “Luna’s got some serious mojo goin’.”
“That’s actually part and parcel of dream magic,” said Twilight, perking up. “Especially if Luna’s the one using it. Thanks to the expectations of the subconscious, the skills of the mind can be shaped in dreams, kind of like how you can play an instrument in a dream even if you can’t in real life. It’s- Well, it’s complicated, so I’ll just say-”
“Luna made it so you’re dreaming you’re good at dream magic, so you’re good at dream magic, but only while you’re dreaming,” said Pinkie Pie brightly.
“Exactly!” Moondog said. (Twilight blinked; a sprocket rolled out of her ear.) “It won’t be as good as actually knowing it, but it’ll be fine for tonight. If I’m not around, give it a try to get better acquainted with it. It’ll help you deal with ponies better.” Then she smirked. “Plus, y’know, it’s fun.”
“And useful, goodness!” said Rarity. She flicked her tail; flowers bloomed up her dress and in her mane. “Creation is so simple and I’ve never been able to imagine my designs with this much… tactition before.”
“So, if there aren’t any objections…” She paused in case there were. There weren’t. She grinned and rubbed her hooves together. “Let’s get started. Who wants to go first?”
Rainbow Dash zipped in front of her and flared her wings. “I’ll go! I read up on those nocnica nightmare monsters and there’s no way they could get to me.” She grinned and banged her front hooves together. “Just lemme at ’em for a night and ponies’ll be sleeping good for years.”
“There’s more to making good dreams than beating up nocnice, Rainbow,” Moondog said as she pulled open a rift in the dream. Although the fact that Rainbow Dash had pronounced it right on the first try was a good sign.
“Yeah, but I’ll pick up on that easy-peasy.”
“Spiders!” shrieked Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow-”
“Spiders! Spiders! Spiders!”
“You’ll be no good if the nightmare is worse for you than the dreamer-”
“Spiders!”
“You really need to get a grip-”
“Spiders! Spiders!”
“Want me to just get some other pony?”
“Spiders spiders SPIDERS SPIIIIIDEEEEERS!”
“…Okay. I’ll do that.”
“Spiders!” shrieked Fluttershy.
“Fluttershy, stop trying to cuddle the nightmare monster arachnids.”
“But look at them! They’re so cute!”
“They’re ten feet tall!”
“And who said cute things need to be small?”
“I’ll give you a nice dream about them later! Now, you need to get rid of them.”
“But can’t I just get them to play nice with the dreamer?”
“She’s an arachnophobe, so that’d just make things worse.”
“But-”
“I’ll get another pony.”
“Spiders!” shrieked Rarity.
“Obviously. Can you-”
“And their horrid, horrid silk!”
“Really should’ve seen this coming.”
“So sticky! So stretchy! A blasphemy against all types of silk!”
“It’s just a term, you know-”
“Terms are language! And I loathe that our language is being muddied by misleading homonyms such as these!”
“I don’t know whether I should be surprised by that or not.”
“Can you imagine scarves made from this? Oh me, oh my…”
“You do you, Ms. Fetal Position. I’ve still got some ponies left.”
“Spiders!” shrieked Twilight.
“I noticed. Listen, you-”
“Greater miniature colossal dwarf gigantulas! Eeeee! They’re so rare!”
“Yeah, but this is a dream, so-”
“-so why’s the dreamer dreaming about them in particular?”
“…What?”
“Because she saw them! Where?”
“…What?”
“Get back here! I need to ask you where you saw the spiders! Your princess demands it!”
“And you’re supposed to be the smart one?!”
“Spiders!” shrieked Applejack.
“Mother of Mom, not agai-”
“Eat flamethrower, ya varmints!”
“Finally. But let the dreamer do it next time, okay?”
“THERE’S MORE?! LEMME AT ’EM!”
“Spiders!” shrieked Pinkie Pie.
“But… there’s no-”
“I know! But everypony else was saying it, so I figured I might as well.”
--Error; PinkiePieException p“Of course you did…”
foreach (Pony bearer IN elementsOfHarmony) {
println(bearer.getName() + ": " + bearer.isCrazy());
}
return:
-- Twilight Sparkle: TRUE
-- Pinkie Pie: TRUE
-- Applejack: TRUE
-- Rainbow Dash: TRUE
-- Rarity: TRUE
-- Fluttershy: TRUEMaybe this wasn’t such a great idea, after all.
“I don’t get it,” said Rainbow Dash.
“It’s symbolic.”
“Of what? Eating snakes?”
“Ouroboroi, and no. Ennui.”
Rainbow Dash looked like she’d been hit in the face with a frying pan.
“A general listlessness brought on by-”
“I know what ennui is, even if I do my best to avoid it!” said Rainbow Dash. “Just- how did you get-”
setExpositionLevel(10);
“Look at the room.” Moondog swept a hoof around the banquet hall. “It’s just shades of gray. Look at the waiters. They’re all nondescript space-fillers, there because somepony needs to be. And look at the food. It’s all ouroboroi, a symbol of eternal cyclicity. And-” Her mane snaked out and grabbed a cup from a table. “Take a look at this.”
Rainbow took said look and immediately cringed back. “Oh, Celestia,” she gasped, putting a hoof to her nose, “it’s all tiny little snakes?”
“Ouroboroi, and yes.” Moondog downed the cup in a second (Rainbow gagged). “This gal is just bored with everything and feels like it’s going to keep going forever. You need-”
“I know what I need to do,” said Rainbow Dash. She waggled a hoof at the entrance to the restaurant. “Just not exactly- how. Maybe-”
The wall exploded as a sky chariot pulled by Spitfire and Soarin smashed through it, tossing aside tables and waiters alike. It clattered across the room, its wheels digging furrows in the hardwood floor, before swinging to a stop next to the dreamer. “Get in, loser!” yelled Spitfire. “We’re going skydiving!”
“Pegasi go skydiving?” asked Moondog as Fleetfoot pounced on the dreamer and tied her up.
“Just because we don’t need airships to fly doesn’t mean we don’t like freefalling.”
“Fair enough.” The dream began wavering as Spitfire and Soarin pulled the chariot back out of the restaurant (making another hole right next to the first one, natch). “Now, that was alright, but next time, try making the entire dream a little more zesty. It’ll hopefully give the dreamer some pep in the real world and knock her out of her boredom loop.”
“Well, ennui is- It’s more than- How was I supposed to know I have to be a therapist?”
“Helping ponies’ mental states is kinda half the point of making good dreams, Rainbow.”
Rainbow’s pupils shrank. “Ohboy.”
“Now, I know he looks scary…” Fluttershy said to the dreamer.
“Fluttershy,” said Moondog for what felt like the sixth time.
“…but he’s really a big softie once you get to know him.”
“Fluttershy.”
“His claws are only that big for protection…”
“Fluttershy.”
“…and once he knows you’re not a threat…”
“Fluttershy!” Moondog roared. “Stop being literal with the metaphors!”
“…he won’t hurt a hair on your head.” Fluttershy blinked. “I, I’m sorry, what was that?” she asked Moondog.
“Remember, that’s not a bear. That’s a nonsentient dreamform incapable of thought representing debt. Why do you think it’s made out of receipts?”
“I know that,” Fluttershy said defensively. “I’m just trying to get the dreamer to-”
“You’re asking her to sweet-talk her bank into forgiving her bills,” Moondog said flatly.
“I… I didn’t mean that…”
“No, but it’s what you’re doing.” Moondog ran a hoof through her mane. “Fluttershy, dreams are products of the mind as it spits out whatever gunk it processed during the day. That bear represents something, and so treating it like a real thing is… Well, it’s nuts. It’s like reading one of Haesop’s fables and, rather than looking at the morals, trying to analyze the animals’ behaviors compared to the real world.”
“Well, it did always bug me that the grasshopper even thought about winter, since most grasshoppers die when winter comes, and- Oh. I’ll stop now.” Fluttershy looked at the bear again. “So… if he’s debt… then…” She rustled her wings, then passed a bag full of bits over to the dreamer.
The dreamer promptly began using the bag like a flail, smashing it into the receipt-bear’s head over and over. With each hit, more paper frayed from the bear’s body and it got smaller; it backed away, whimpering, but the dreamer kept advancing.
“No!” yelled Fluttershy. “You’re supposed to feed it to him, not-” She pivoted around to face Moondog. “I’m not sure I’m up to handling this,” she admitted. “Can I leave?”
Moondog pulled a door from the air. “Absolutely.” Shame, too, because that wasn’t a half-bad idea.
Rarity shuddered. “Even for a nightmare, this is horrid.”
Moondog bit her lip. Don’t comment on the dress, don’t comment on the dress, don’t comment on the dress…
“The imagery, the subject matter, they’re all the expected level of dreadful. But a polka-dotted wedding dress?”
Oooooof course. At least it was the last thing. “You know what the dress being polka-dotted means, right?” asked Moondog.
“I know it means something beyond the dreamer’s subconscious having a ghastly fashion sense, but I’m having a hard time thinking of what.”
Sigh. “Because you can’t bring yourself to think about a polka-dotted wedding dress?”
“Yes!” squealed Rarity. She gesticulated wildly at the dress. “They absolutely ruin the visual contours made by the pleats and curves and draw the eye from a most magnifique design. And I cannot believe the extent to which they ruin the color of the dress — that’s quite a lovely white, it offsets her mane nicely. In fact, if you removed those abominations, it’d be very much an excellent dress and I could focus on-”
Moondog gave Rarity a Look.
“…I knew I could do that!” yelped Rarity. “Begone!” she yelled at the spots, sweeping her leg out. And the spots were gone, with the dress indeed looking much better. Rarity turned her attention to the rest of the dream, frowning. “Although, I must say, everything else certainly leaves a lot to be desired, particularly for a wedding. Those salmon cummerbunds are doing favors to nopony. But what does it mean? What. Does. It. Mean.”
“This is the happiest day of my life!” yelled the dreamer, even though her spouse was in clown makeup.
“Think holistically, Rarity,” Rarity muttered to herself. “If this were a dress — no, a full ensemble — what would be wrong with it?” She hmmed, froze, and swooned. “Tassels don’t go there…”
airhorn.setVolume(350.0); airhorn.blast();
“I’m awake!” Rarity yelled as she stood ramrod stiff. “I’m awake! Or- Ah, dreaming?”
“So, any flash of insight?” Moondog asked. “Or just another clothing-induced panic attack?”
“You didn’t see the clothes!” protested Rarity. “They were expensive and clashing and one could devote their life to untangling that infernal design and still not come up with-” She froze again, but now Moondog recognized it as a flash-of-insight sort of freeze, rather than a what-in-Celestia’s-name-is-wrong-with-your-tail sort. Rarity looked around the dream once more and her ears went up. “She’s on the verge of a life-changing decision and is concerned whatever choice she makes will seem idiotic years down the line!” she yelled very quickly, briefly channeling her inner Twilight.
Moondog smiled. “Exactly.” Say what you would about Rarity, but once she actually got to the work, she got it done.
“So she needs some guidance,” Rarity muttered to herself in her Serious Dressmaking Voice. “Somepony to push her on the right path.” She looked to the entrance of the room, her brow furrowed. “So should the one to burst in and stop the wedding be the clothier or the photographer?” Pause. “Clothier-photographer.”
“Make her a caterer, too, and you’ve got a hat trick,” suggested Moondog. “But this is the fifth time tonight you’ve fainted after comparing dreams to clothes. Even though we’ve only been in four dreams.” She gave Rarity another Look. “Do you think you could try holding it together? Just a little bit more?”
Rarity’s cheeks turned pink and she looked away. “I’ll, ah, do my best,” she said. Again.
Twilight tapped her chin as she surveyed the dream. “Sooooooo…” she said thoughtfully. “Abyss below. Slipping from stalactite above. Helplessness over his current situation, nothing he can do, and slowly but surely sliding into a complete disaster.”
Moondog couldn’t hold back a smile. Finally, somepony was getting it. “Right. Yeah.”
“So he needs somepony to help reassure him that it’ll all be okay.”
“And, symbolically-”
“Symbolism’s neat, but I can just do that myself.” Twilight flew up to the roof of the cave and the stallion hanging from the stalactite. “Hey! Maulin, right?”
“Um…” Maulin slipped another inch. “Yes…?”
“I know things feel bad right now, but-”
Moondog’s actions caught up with her mind and she swooped to a position across from Twilight. “Whoa, hold on, what?”
“Um.” Maulin looked back and forth between Moondog and Twilight. “Am I…?”
“I’m helping him!” protested Twilight. Her horn glowed lilac and a king-size mattress appeared, floating in the air right below Maulin. “He needs some-”
“Did today teach you nothing about delegation?”
“It did! But who’s there to delegate to?”
Maulin cautiously extended a hoof downwards until he was standing on the mattress. When it failed to collapse beneath him, he fell onto it. “Um. Hey? Uh, thanks. But now what?”
“His subconscious! You pick a symbol for him getting help, like, say, a friend throwing him a rope-”
dreamer.setLucidity(FALSE); friend = dreamer.getFriend(RANDOM); friend.throw(rope, dreamer);
Some dust fell from a hitherto-nonexistent chimney and a pegasus dropped from it, carrying one end of a rope. “Maulin! Thank Celestia, we’ve been worried sick about you. Grab on, I’ll pull you back up.”
“-and his unconscious will do the rest,” continued Moondog. “Then it’ll give him the idea that, Hey, maybe I should go to this friend for help, and it’s up to him now.”
Twilight flared her wings and protested, “But I can-!” She put a hoof on her chest and breathed deeply. “You’re right. You’re right. It’s… just hard to remember delegation when there’s really nopony to delegate to. Especially when the thing I’m delegating is the thing I’m best at.” She glanced at Maulin and frowned. “But that really needs to be a belaying harness.”
“…So make it a belaying harness.”
“Oh! Right.”
“Applejack. Just because you’re in an environment where almost every problem can be solved with a flamethrower doesn’t mean it should be. I mean, I totally get the appeal, but-”
“Look, I just wanna get this dream sorted out ASAP.” Applejack shot another burst of fire at the basilisk as it fled the conflagration of the theater. “And the flamethrower’s not just workin’, it’s workin’ fast, so I don’t see why not.”
“Because that basilisk is actually a representation of the dreamer’s fear of public speaking and the answer you gave to her, burning down the audience hall, is kinda frowned upon in speeches.” Sadly.
With all the speed of a particularly lethargic glacier, Applejack turned to look at Moondog, one ear down. “…Pardon?”
Moondog sighed. Honestly, this was textbook dream psychology. “You saw the way it formed from the audience, right?”
Applejack shuddered. “Really wishin’ I hadn’t, but yeah.”
“And basilisks are supposed to be able to kill you with their gaze, but the dreamer was only turned to stone and not until she started speaking.”
“…Meanin’?”
“Meaning she obviously views the audience as a hostile entity and is prone to freezing up whenever she has to speak and everypony’s eyes are on her.” A view with which Moondog sympathized quite a bit.
“…Oh. Uh…” Applejack looked at the flamethrower in her hooves, then quickly stowed it behind her back, grinning awkwardly. “Oops?”
sigh(); dreamer.animate();
Moondog tapped the dreamer on the nose. She didn’t stop being a statue, but now she was a statue that could move around as easily as a not-statue. As such, she started speaking very fast. “-find these payments necessary for the well-being of-”
“Look,” said Moondog, rustling her wings, “just- in the future, do you think you can treat things a bit less literally? Think of them as symbols instead?”
“I’ll… do my best.” Pause. “You know the sorta pony I am, right?”
Moondog nodded slowly. “I do, Applejack. I do.”
Did breathing deeply actually help ponies control stress? Blinking some confetti out of her eyes, Moondog wished it worked with her. “Pinkie. Not everything can be solved with a party.”
“Just because that’s Euclydesdale’s sixth postulate doesn’t mean it’s true! That has yet to be proven!” Pinkie yelled as she swung a cake onto the table. “Besides, look at how happy Sombra is!”
Sombra went bvvvvvt on his noisemaker.
“This dreamer is a crystal pony!” yelled Moondog. “A happy Sombra is a homicidal Sombra!” Indeed, the dreamer was staring at Sombra and was so still that the only change petrifaction would’ve made was in the color of her coat.
“But-” Pinkie tapped her chin. “Hmm. You have a point… but if Sombra can’t be here, then we just need to-”
Moondog appeared between Pinkie and Sombra, waving her hooves and wings wildly. “No! No, Sombra needs to be here.”
“He does?” Pinkie lowered the sharp, sharp cake knife. “But why?”
“He’s the crystal pony archetype of menace, so when a crystal pony is feeling anxious about nothing in particular, it usually manifests as our boy here.” Moondog clapped Sombra on the back; his head snapped to one side and he bit down hard on her leg. With a violent tug, he ripped it off and began chewing it down like meaty spaghetti.
self.regenerate();
“So since the pony’s having anxiety dreams,” Moondog said, “just getting rid of him completely will keep the subconscious from properly registering whatever you do. It’ll be a nice dream, but it won’t help at all.”
“Huh. I think I getcha,” Pinkie said, her voice a little less bouncy than usual. “Hmm.” She looked off into the distance, lips tightly pursed, one ear twitching. Then her face lit up. “Oh! I got it!” She pulled an outfit from her mane and stuffed Sombra into it, turning him into a caterer for Placeholder Parties. “Ta-daaaaaa! Now the anxiety is nothing to worry about, because it’s working for you rather than against you!”
“So being constantly high-strung is a good thing now?”
Four of Pinkie’s curls — no more, no less — ceased to be curls and became straights. “Uh…”
But Moondog waved a hoof dismissively. “Eh, don’t worry about it. She’ll be a bit confused when she wakes up, but at least she won’t be nervous.” Although she made a mental note to have Sombra make some stupid mistake that would mean the dreamer didn’t have to pay for the catering. Make that anxiety baseless.
“Templeton Merrykissed? Are you sure you haven’t made up your mind on beating up nightmares yet?”
“It’s Tempest, and yes I’m sure. I’m still thinking.”
“Please think faster.”
“…Why’s your eye all twitchy?”
“Can I punch it?”
Moondog facehooved. “It’s a nocnica, Rainbow. A monster with no physical component whatsoever. It won’t work.”
“Yeah, but it’ll make me feel better,” Rainbow Dash said shamelessly. “Can I punch it?”
“Fine. Go ahead.”
“Sweetness.” Rainbow Dash flew off and punched it. It was an amorphous blob monster at the moment, but she managed. Absolutely nothing accomplished (and accomplished quite unspectacularly), she flew back. “So now what?”
“Okay. So. Since they’re manipulating dreams just as much as you, you can’t fight nocnice directly, not unless you want to tire yourself out. You need to get the dreamer to fight off their effects in some way.”
“Like a pep talk?”
Moondog blinked. “A… pep talk?”
“Yeah. Sure. Like…” Rainbow turned to the dreamer, half-submerged in the blob, and yelled, “Are you really gonna let a tub of JELLO beat you? You got this, Flagstaff! Only, y’know, actually good.”
“Well…” A quick glance confirmed that, huh, Flagstaff was working her way out of the blob. “I guess in the right circumstances, yeah. But are you going to give every single pony with a nightmare you meet a pep talk?”
“I dunno, maybe. I mean, if you can’t punch it-”
“Can you keep it up?”
“Totally!” Rainbow nodded. “Pep talks help ponies reach their full potential, which means pep talks are awesome, which means I’m really good at them.”
“I… guess… that’s not… the worst of ideas…”
“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”
The blob turned towards the two of them. “Do you plan to-”
“Shut up,” snapped Rainbow Dash. “We’re talking about the best ways to beat the snot out of you. And right now, you’re all snot.”
“Think you can at least get the dreamer out?” asked Moondog. “She’s-”
“Pep talk away!”
oh.boy();
Rainbow Dash zipped over to Flagstaff and grabbed her by the hoof. The qualities of dreams and nocnice normally meant that wouldn’t do anything, but then Rainbow started yelling at her. “C’mon! You got this! You are not the pony to just let the monsters take you! I’ve seen it! Come on!”
And as Rainbow’s words wormed their way in Flagstaff’s unconscious, her surge in positive emotions and determination reacted with the nocnica, boiling it away. It fled before any real damage could be done, but at least the dreamer was free. She lay on the ground, coughing bits of unthinkable stuff out.
“Nice,” said Moondog, nodding. And, although inefficient, it was nice. “But what happens when the dreamer doesn’t have the energy to listen to you?”
“Oh, that’s not gonna happen. You always have a little more in you than you think you do,” said Rainbow Dash. “The trick is getting it out. And that’s where pep talks come in. Seriously, they’re like the key to your hidden storeroom of awesome.”
Possible. “Hmm. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Fluttershy!” Moondog snapped, pinning her tail to the floor with a hoof. “What are you doing?”
Fluttershy tugged; her tail didn’t budge. Thank goodness she hadn’t remembered she could just detach it and grow a new one. “I’m trying to get his attention.” She pointed at the nocnica wrecking shop in this dream. “Maybe we can convince him to not make his nightmares as bad as this?”
Moondog resisted the urge — the very, very strong urge — to massage her temples. “That won’t work. He’s not the kind of person you can reason with.”
“Are you sure?” Fluttershy stopped tugging. “He’s probably quite nice when you get to know him.”
“He’s literally psychologically torturing people so he can feed on their fears.”
“It’s not his fault nature made him that way.”
“No, it’s not, but he doesn’t need to be so gleeful about it.” Moondog released Fluttershy’s tail; she didn’t move towards the nocnica. “When you eat food, are you happy that you’re destroying plant life or happy because you’re being nourished? Because he’s really happy that he gets to torment ponies.”
“…I…” Fluttershy’s pupils got very small. “…suppose that makes sense… But have you ever tried talking to them?”
“Mom has. Multiple times. Both before and after Nightmare Moon. They rejected her every time.” After all, less nocnica would mean less work for her. “Ask her about it.”
Fluttershy looked at Moondog, then at the nocnica. You could almost literally see the gears turning in her head; you could definitely hear them. She rustled her wings and nodded resolutely. “I reformed Discord,” Fluttershy said firmly. “I don’t care what you think, I can do this if you let me try.”
fluttershy.hasPoint(); return: TRUE
“Fine.” Moondog sat down and folded her forelegs, scowling. “But if something goes wrong, I’m going to smite it so hard.”
“Oh, I’m sure that won’t be necessary,” said Fluttershy. She winged over to the bull knocking the skyscraper over. “Um. Excuse me. Mr. Nocnica, sir?”
One notion later…
“Kill it!” Fluttershy shrieked, flying away from the nocnica on the wings of a hurricane. “Kill it with fire! Kill it with ice! Kill it with icy fire and fiery ice! You can do that in here!”
i.told(you, so); abort();
“Hey! You!” yelled Moondog. “Yeah, you! The big bully over there! Your mother was a hamster’s mental block and your father smelt of elderberry-wine-induced ideas!”
“Is criticizing his sense of color out of the question?”
“Yes, Rarity.”
“Are you sure? It’s positively ghastly.”
“Yes, Rarity.”
“…I suppose that, being the sort of creature he is, he’d take that as a compliment, wouldn’t he?”
“Yes, Rarity.”
“And I really am so predictable that you can respond to all my statements with ‘yes, Rarity’, aren’t I?”
“Yes, Rarity.”
“Hmm.” Rarity glared up at the puddle of blackish slime oozing across the ceiling. She stepped to one side as a droplet fell, burning a hole where it landed. “I don’t suppose I can take a mulligallop on this, can I? Or perhaps get a hint?” Another drop narrowly missed the dreamer, who curled into an even tighter ball and covered his head with his front legs.
Hints were good. Moondog could do hints. “You can’t make the muck just disappear. What can you do with it?”
“Oh, heavens, I don’t know,” said Rarity. “We can’t throw it anywhere, because it eats through-” She got it. “But what if it didn’t? Or couldn’t?” She waved a hoof in the air and, from nothing, pulled out an inch-thick steel plate. She tentatively held it out under another drop; the plate sizzled and warped, but the goo didn’t burn through.
“This is… certainly something,” Rarity said as she examined the plate. She sniffed at it, then immediately clapped a hoof to her mouth as her cheeks bulged.
“Well, it’s certainly not nothing, which probably makes it something.”
Rarity briefly shot a stinkeye at Moondog. “I wonder if I could get any patterns from this,” she mused. “Or maybe…” By the time she’d put the plate on her head, it’d turned into something resembling a sun hat. More droplets splattered harmlessly against it. “Ah! Perfect.” Rarity pulled a steel-fabricked suit from the aether and trotted over to the dreamer. “You there! I have just the ensemble for you. Dashing, yet functional. Elegant, yet protective. Why don’t you try it on?”
Not for the first time, Moondog wondered just how many dreams were made weirder by the interference of dreamwalkers such as herself and Mom. “You’d solve world hunger with dresses if you could, wouldn’t you?” she called out.
“Celestia willing, I eventually shall!”
“No, Twilight, we are not going to try to study nocnice.” They weren’t even in a dream yet.
“I didn’t say anything,” Twilight said quickly.
Moondog’s stare had the intensity of a laser.
“…Yet,” admitted Twilight. “But, really, think about it. Studying them could provide a wealth of information regarding, well, everything about nocnice. There’s barely any literature on them!”
“Because normally,” Moondog muttered, “only a single pony needs to deal with them, and she already knows everything she can about them.”
“I’d… also suggest trying to make friends with them, but I heard Fluttershy’s story.”
“Mmhmm. Look, just get it out quickly, okay?”
And quick it was. Moments after entering the dream, Twilight gave the dreamer enough of an energy boost for him to outrun the avalanche easily. However, she just as quickly pounced on the nocnica at the head of the avalanche. Literally pounced, keeping it contained with fond memories of her friends. She wrestled the nocnica over to Moondog and looked at her with a big, stupid grin on her face.
DreamActor.getInstance("Princess Celestia");Aunt Celly stepped from the air and gazed down disapprovingly. “No, Twilight,” she boomed.
Twilight didn’t even look at her. “It’ll be useful!” she said to Moondog. She flinched (but only slightly) when the nocnica slammed itself against a recollection of one of Pinkie’s parties.
“Seriously, no,” said Moondog.
“C’mon, pleeeaaase?”
“No. At least, not right now, okay? Do it on your own time.”
Twilight pouted. “Then I’ll need to figure out how to get into other ponies’ dreams. Hmm.” She squinted at Moondog.
“No, I’m not teaching you. Not tonight, anyway. Talk to me later.”
Applejack slammed the door shut and batted away the tendrils of smoke attempting to claw at her. “How come it’s got a flamethrower, too? That ain’t fair!”
“Of course it’s not fair,” said Moondog. “That’s the point. If it was fair, it wouldn’t be a nightmare.”
“Well, ain’t that just dandy.” Applejack slammed her shoulder against the door with a grunt. It was hard to tell if the roar on the other side was from the nocnica or the fire. “So now what? If she’s stuck in here-” She pointed to the dreamer huddled in a corner of the room. “-and we can’t put out the fire., then we ain’t goin’ nowhere, are we?”
On the one hoof, Applejack’s straightforwardness was nice when you just needed a problem solved. When you wanted to treat the root of the problem, however… “Depends. The best way to fight off a nocnica is to build up the dreamer, make the nocnica’s nightmare pointless against them. So what can you do here?”
“Y’ain’t never been in a fire before, have you?” Applejack asked quietly. “It’s-” She shook her head. “She ain’t gettin’ outta here.”
“Sure she can. It’s easy.”
“Yeah? How?”
“Like this.”
dreamer.setClothes(firemareOutfit);
The dreamer twitched in surprise when she noticed she was wearing a firemare’s uniform. As the hiss of her respirator filled the room, she looked over her new clothes, made a few adjustments she wouldn’t’ve known how to make in the real world, and charged out of the room. The nocnica’s fire attempted to engulf her, but rolled harmlessly off her newfound confidence.
You would’ve thought somepony had tried to lowball Applejack on apple prices, she looked so indignant. “Oh- Oh, come on! I coulda done that!”
“But you didn’t,” Moondog said, her eyebrow raised.
Applejack opened her mouth indignantly, closed it again, went through that three or four times, and folded her ears back. “Right.” She rubbed one hoof against the other. “Um…”
“We’ll try again next dream,” Moondog said casually, neither patronizing nor disappointed. “Just try to keep the flamethrowers to a minimum, okay? They’re not the catch-all you think they are.”
“…What if it’s an ice monster?”
Moondog chuckled. That was valid. “Then the dreamer gets the flamethrower, not you.”
“Aw.”
Outside the dream, Pinkie Pie wrung her hooves together. “So, uh, Moonie?”
It was all Moondog could do to not sigh. “Yes, Pinkie?”
“I don’t think this is a very good idea.”
You and me both, Moondog didn’t say. “Why?” she did say.
“Weeeeellllllllll… it’s juuuuust… you know how I knew you’d never had a birthday party yet?”
“Yeah.” And then Moondog got it. “You can’t seriously be thinking of throwing a party for-”
“None of them have had parties yet!” protested Pinkie Pie. “None! I can’t just ignore that! Even though I know ignoring that is reeeeaaaally important right about now. I’m trying! Really! But I keep getting the tail corkscrew in conjunction with the nose twitch and that’s uncommon and because it’s uncommon it’s driving me crazy!”
comment.no();
“So what do you want to do? Just skip over the nocnice for tonight or-” A stray thought struck Moondog with the force of a runaway train, but she ran with it. “Do you want to try throwing them a party just to get it out of your system?”
Pinkie Pie blinked and squinted at Moondog. “If you let me party,” she said slowly, “you do hereby accept any and all responsibility for any collateral damage that may occur during the course of-”
“Yeah. Sure. Fine. Whatever.” Moondog could clean it up in a snap, anyway. (Probably. One could never tell with Pinkie Pie.)
“Okay!” And Pinkie pronked right on into the dream. “Hey!” she screamed at the volcanic nocnica. “Get down here! You shouldn’t give nightmares, you need a birthday party! Or an unbirthday party!”
An ashen plume turned to stare down with lava-bright eyes at her. “And you presume,” it rumbled, “that this will dissuade me from tearing this pony’s mind apart?”
“Worth a shot!” From nowhere in particular and without using dream magic, Pinkie Pie pulled up a table covered with cakes and candies of all sorts. She selected a certain cupcake from the table and held it up. “C’mon, give it a try. Isn’t torturing ponies boring?”
Moondog held her nonexistent breath as the nocnica surveyed Pinkie. Pinkie Pie kept smiling as if it were the most natural thing in the world, like she was trying to befriend the abyss (who must’ve had it rough, since the only time ponies ever interacted with it was to have staring contests). A tentacle of cinders deftly reached out, plucked the cupcake from her grasp, and tossed it into a void that might’ve been a mouth. The cloud chewed, then thundered, “A most intriguing gift, little one.”
“I try!” chirped Pinkie. “And guess what? There’s more for you if you just give up nightmaaaaares!” Her smile would’ve won over the most cold-hearted of cynics.
The nocnica wasn’t one of those, however, and its laugh was booming. “Oh, most certainly not, that would be absurd. However sweet your offerings may be, the fear of ponies is the sweetest of all.”
One of Pinkie’s ears went down and Moondog felt a sudden urge to vacate the premises. “…Even more than my cupcakes?”
“Beyond any doubt. Your banal trifles cannot hope to compare to the taste of blackest despair.”
--Error; PinkiePieException pEverything froze in place as Pinkie Pie stared at the nocnica, her jaw hanging open. Eventually, she managed to collect herself enough to say, “…I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you don’t deserve a party.”
When the dust finally settled, Pinkie Pie was on her back, staring down at the wheeling sky, panting like she’d just run a marathon. Which was impressive, since what she’d done was considerably more strenuous than simply running a single marathon. “And that’s what you get…” she half-slurred, “for not appreciating parties… you monster.” She very nearly managed to pass out in spite of being asleep already.
“Okay. Um.” A still-shocked Moondog wiped a bit of nocnica off her face. “While that was… definitely effective, it’s also, how do I put this, less efficient than a Rube Goldbuck machine. You need to-”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to face any more notches, Your Honor,” mumbled Pinkie. “Can I get that plate of sleep to go?”
“…Yeah. No more nocnice for you.”
self.setLocation("adwl://dreamer.uncn/surface?hexID=4a65726b66616365&lucid=y");“DISCORD!” Moondog roared, shattering his dream with the force of her entry.
“The lava monster that you know about was not my fault!” Discord bellowed, shoving a goat beneath the carpet.
“I know that, and Maud is very sorry. At least as sorry as somepony like her can be. That’s not what I’m here for.” Moondog marched up to Discord. “Hold me.” She flopped onto him and went limp.
Discord shrieked and attempted to push Moondog away, but she stuck to him like glue. He grabbed her tail and, with the help of a reluctant spatula, managed to peel her off of him. Dangling her upside-down, he said, “Considering we like each other less than Twilight likes illiteracy, I hope you have an excellent explanation for this, Accident.”
gravity.invert();
As Discord clung to her tail to avoid falling into the sky, Moondog replied, “You’re the only other one besides Mom who really gets how freaking weird the Elements of Harmony can be and she’s on vacation.” She delicately flicked her tail to set Discord on solid nothing. “I tried seeing if the Elements were dream-wrangling material, and- and- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”
One minute later, Discord smacked Moondog on the head and she stopped screaming. “As delightful as seeing you in pain is,” he hissed, “what does any of that have to do with me?”
“They can’t manage dreams!” yelled Moondog, flaring her wings. “They’re- They’re all nuts and they’re SO not ready to deal with ponies on such a personal level like that and OH MOM I just need a shoulder to cry on.” She took a long, shuddering breath. “And you’re, like, the only person who’s available and doesn’t trip over themselves in awe when they see the Elements.” She wrung her tail and looked away, ears flat. “If there was anybody else free, I’d go to them, but… sorry.”
“Hmm. They can be quite the handful, can they? But if you’re coming to me…” Discord’s eyes narrowed. “How long?”
“Just two minutes. In perceived time. No loopholes. You don’t need to say anything, just let me mope.”
Discord stroked his beard for a moment. “Stay out of my dreams for the rest of the year and you have a deal.”
Moondog collapsed against Discord. “I’ll add two more years — no, four more — if you also keep snide remarks to a minimum.”
“You know me too well, Accident. Very well.”
Moondog paced back and forth in the antechamber. All the ponies watched her intently. Her arcane processes gleefully alternated between playing pinball with her emotions and playing tennis with them. What was she supposed to say to the Elements? That they were all lousy at dreams? Even though she’d asked them for help?
Was this what being a princess was like? Yeegh. No wonder Mom wanted out.
“So.” Moondog opened and closed her wings slowly. It was hard for her to look up. “Um. Tonight was…”
“Hang on,” said Applejack, bringing Moondog’s thoughts to a halt. “Just thinkin’ we’d be good at dream magic is like diggin’ a pond and hopin’ for ducks, so I’m guessin’ we all didn’t do so hot, right?”
Did it mean anything that a dream automaton could understand countryisms easily? Moondog gave her mane a few extra strands so she could tug on them. “Er…”
--Error; ThoughtBufferOverflowException e self.setHonestyLevel(100); --Error; JerkMoveException e self.setHonestyLevel(0); --Error; BadPolicyException e self.setHonestyLevel(100); --Error; JerkMoveException e try { self.setHonestyLevel(100); } catch (JerkMoveException e) { e.ignore(); }
“Yeah, you all kinda sucked,” admitted Moondog. She grit her teeth.
“Told ya,” Applejack whispered to Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, thank goodness!” said Rarity, wiping her brow down. “I thought I was imagining things!” She stepped forward. “Moondog, I am… Let’s be generous and say focused. My, ah, thing is dresses, and they take a great deal of preparation. Now, give me an hour and I could make a dream to rival even yours.” Deep breath. “But it would take me an hour to do what you do in moments. I just lack the… spontaneity required for this job. And that’s setting aside my other…” Rarity stared at the carpet and kicked absently at it. “Ah…”
“Foibles?” suggested Moondog. A little bit of the weight lifted from her shoulders.
“Indeed,” Rarity said, smiling weakly. “I thank you for the opportunity, really, I do, but I am most certainly not dream-wrangling material.”
“Same here.” Applejack stuck a hoof in the air. “I like things t’be things, an’ not some other thing. And before any o’ y’all say anythin’,” she added loudly, “a changeling bein’ somebody else’s just a transformed changeling, not some repressed foalhood memory or somethin’.”
“I know, right?” said Pinkie Pie. “Parties are a surefire way to cheer anypony up, but whenever I try to throw one in here, traumatic archetypes keep coming along and crashing it, and Moondog says I can’t just throw them out. And do you know how hard it is to make a cake that the cultural symbol of despair likes? Pretty stinkin’ hard, let me tell you!”
“I. Um. I don’t have a reason for not liking it,” said Fluttershy. “I just don’t like it. No offense,” she added quickly.
“None taken.” Moondog flexed her wings. After tonight, hearing everypony agree that it crashed and burned was… weirdly liberating. Even though having it not crash and burn was quite literally the only reason she’d gotten everypony together. Oh well. “I mean, I get it. No one can do everything. Probably wasn’t a good idea to have this be, so, y’know, off-the-cuff.” Oh dear stars above she was turning into Mom. “So, uh, sorry I wasted your time tonight, and, um. I guess…”
She looked at everyone in turn. If any of them were disappointed, they didn’t show it. “Um. You can… go back to your own dreams if you want.” Holy crow, she was giving orders. “Or… just… hang out here, I dunno.” Was this what leadership felt like? It was scary.
--Error; ThoughtBufferOverflowException eA brief pause. Then Applejack said, “Well! G’night, everypony, I’m gone.” And so she was. Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy all said their goodbyes and vanished, one by one.
Twilight raised a hoof. “Quick question. My technical skill was good, right?”
“Was there ever any doubt?”
“Kinda. I’ve never done it that much before, so…”
Exactly how good did you have to be that the mere possibility of doing something wrong made you second-guess yourself? Moondog nodded slowly. “Yes, Twilight, your technical skill was good.”
“Okay, good.” Twilight waved her hoof back and forth. “I didn’t feel quite right with the actual interaction part, but if my magic was good, then… Well. You know.”
“You probably shouldn’t be helping me, anyway,” said Moondog. “You’ll be the princess in Equestria, so…” She shrugged.
“I might want to help some nights,” Twilight said, “but yeah. See you later.” She dissolved into a mist of glitter.
And that left Rainbow Dash. Moondog was just about to ask her what she was still doing here when Rainbow asked, “What did I do wrong?”
It was her tone that struck Moondog the most. Not defensive, not demanding, not whiny, not disbelieving, just… plainly matter-of-fact. Almost like- “Why?” asked Moondog.
“Well, if you’re serious about getting help and I kinda suck, then I should know what I’m doing wrong so I can stop kinda sucking. Look, just because I’m awesome overall doesn’t mean I don’t have places where my radicality can’t be bumped up a notch or two. And…” Rainbow Dash weaved her head back and forth as she worked up the courage to spit her next words out. “I… know that was a pretty lame first impression.”
Of all the ponies to ask this, Moondog wasn’t sure whether or not she should’ve been surprised that it was Rainbow Dash. On the one hoof, she was, well, Rainbow Dash. Loud, brash, impulsive, more than a little full of herself. On the other, while she had some trouble outgrowing teenagerdom, she wasn’t stupid. She’d been in the Wonderbolts for over a year now, getting whipped into shape to perform in a team without ever risking getting kicked out. Even if she was just reining herself in because they were the Wonderbolts, that meant she could rein herself in if she wanted to. Honestly, even among the Elements, Rainbow Dash wasn’t the worst choice for a second. “Okay, first of all, you can’t let the dream itself scare you.”
“They were BIG spiders!” Rainbow Dash said reflexively. Pause. “Hem. Sorry.”
Moondog raised an eyebrow, then continued, “Your interpretation of what dreams mean is… lacking. I know that the main way of turning nightmares into good dreams is to turn the awesome dial up a few dozen notches, but there are different qualities of awesome, you know? And not all awesomes are created equal, so turning the wrong dial might not do anything.”
“Oh, yeah, yeah, I get you,” said Rainbow. “But it’s all so boring! It’s- kiiiinda the foundation of dream managing, right?” She sighed and dropped onto her rump. “Maybe I shouldn’t be your second.” She only sounded mildly disappointed, like her favorite cookies weren’t available at the store.
Flowing up to her, Moondog placed a hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder. “If it’s any consolation, once you got the interpretation right, you were good at knowing what to do,” she said softly. “Even if your pep talks took a while.”
“I know. Oh, well. We tried.” Rainbow stood up and flexed her wings. “Thanks for giving me a chance.” She looked at the amulet around her neck and grinned. “Although now I get to really test this bad boy out.” Then she went still. Holding it up, she asked hopefully, “Do I get to keep this after tonight? It’s pretty nifty.”
“Maybe.” Moondog shrugged. “Probably not. Mom’ll want her magic back.”
“Aw.”
“But maybe I can teach you so you won’t need it.”
“…Sweeeeeeeeeet.”
“So?” Mom asked. “How was it?”
“Thank you so much for putting up with me while I was learning.”