//------------------------------// // XXX - The Terms of Surrender // Story: The Distant Princess // by GMBlackjack //------------------------------// Lord Hater’s military strategy can be described as effective only in the short term. The standard assault begins with his ship appearing above a planet and dropping its comically oversized tongue platform onto the ground. Watchdogs will pour out by the hundreds and destroy major buildings and features, sending the local army into a panic. The invasion is almost always too fast to resist, too technologically advanced to hope to repel. The leader of the planet is often found within minutes and forced to make the world stand down, or else Hater will raze it. Almost everyone surrenders, if for no other reason than they know the weaknesses of Hater’s strategy: he has a really small attention span. Once a planet is officially conquered, he tends to leave it with minimal to no representation from his army. A planet will have had a dark day in its history but then business will resume as normal. Several of the planets in Hater’s “empire” really don’t follow him: they simply don’t re-declare their independence a week later so they’ll never get invaded again. Bingleberryopolis has not learned how to take advantage of Hater’s foolhardy strategy and keeps declaring independence. They keep getting invaded. In summary, Hater is good at being the face of a military organization and dishing out raw power. But he’s not a good strategist by any means. Unfortunately for everyone else, Commander Peepers is actually good at his job. And occasionally he can convince Hater to pursue alternative methods. On the days Hater listens to Peepers, he actually becomes a force to be feared. ~~~ Pinkie and the King of Ooo ran out of the candy castle, following the banana guards all the way to the city walls. Along the way, they found the party had already been broken up and the people were fleeing to their homes. Eight of the gumball guardians stood at one side of the city walls in fighting stances. As Pinkie and the King approached the edge of the city, Pinkie subtly fell to the back of the group, lowering her head so she became less noticeable. As the banana guards led the King up the stairs, Pinkie was pretty sure he had forgotten entirely about her. She had to force herself not to dwell on that—it hurt, but the thing inside of him was more concerning. Some creature had taken over his mental faculties and was doing something. She had little doubt the thing remembered her. But whatever it had been trying to do, it was interrupted by this… what had they said? Eyeball army invasion? She really wasn’t sure if she should be happy they got invaded or not. It didn’t help that she still didn’t know what the thing had been doing. Hopefully Marceline was having better luck. They got to the top of the wall. The King’s confident strut vanished the instant he looked out into the night, replaced with fearful trembling. There, standing in front of the eight gumball guardians, was an army of over a hundred short eyeball creatures, all of them holding ray guns that looked ripped from a science fiction movie. In front of the army stood a slightly larger eye creature and a much larger skeleton with a scowl on his skull. “Peasants of the Candy Kingdom!” the skeleton shouted, throwing his arms wide. “I am Lord Hater, The Greatest Conqueror in the Galaxy! Your city will be mine, your people will be mine, your entire kingdom will be mine. I would much rather charge, punch right through your walls, and tear your homes to itty bitty pieces that I would use to build a monument to myself, but today apparently I need your city intact.” Hater glared at the larger eyeball creature, as if he wanted to squish him between his hands. “So… give me your unconditional surrender, or whatever.” “S-s-surrender?” the King stammered. “Gumball guardians, d-do your job!” “Yes, my Lord,” a gumball guardian said. They all turned their eyes to hater. “WAIT!” the larger eyeball alien said. “May I suggest an alternative?” “Wh-who the flip are you?” the King asked. “I am Commander Peepers of the Watchdogs, and I want you to take a moment to think. Fighting would destroy so much of both our forces! So, instead of having our armies clash, how about we just have our strongest warriors face off with each other? Then we can decide what happens.” The King nodded. “S-someone go get that human boy and his dog!” “One warrior!” Peepers shouted. “Why not one of these truly massive golem guardians you have? Surely they could defeat any one member of our army. They’re so impressive, bulky, and I bet they have a lot of tricks up their sleeves!” “You!” the King ordered, pointing at a random gumball guardian. “Show them the power of th-the Candy Kingdom!” “Yes, my lord.” The gumball guardian stepped forward. “Who is my oppo—” Lord Hater pointed a finger right at the guardian and sent a massive arc of lightning into its chest. The surge of power moved up the guardian's body and to its glass head, vibrating the gumballs inside. The guardian’s eyes lit up with power, unleashing a double lazer at Hater. He had to raise a green shield to block it, and for a moment he grunted in strain. But Hater’s first attack was not done yet. Even without him providing continual energy, the power surge continued to vibrate the guardian’s head until the strain was so much the guardian had to raise a hand to its head, stopping its attack. This allowed Hater to get another shot in, overloading the guardian’s partially-mechanical body even more. It fell back, hitting its head on the ground and cracking the glass. It let out a groan. “Easy,” Hater said with a laugh. “W-we surrender!” the King shouted. “Be merciful, oh Lord Hater, for we have treasures, beautiful women, and even a freaky dragon thing in the basement that makes syrupy pow—” A banana guard kicked him in the back, knocking him over the edge of the wall. He let out a terrified scream as he fell down, down, down to the ground. Kicking and flailing, all he managed to do was point himself headfirst to the ground. To Pinkie’s horror nobody moved to catch him, not even the gumball guardians that could do it with ease. With legs moving like wheels, she ran straight down the outer edge of the wall like it was a part of the floor, moving faster than the King was falling. She jumped out, grabbing him in her hooves just before they hit the ground, rolling a fair distance in the dirt. Pinkie coughed, feeling a sharp pain in her ribs. “Yeah, mighta overdone it…” The King stared at her, wide-eyed. “You… you saved me.” “Yeah, that’s what friends do, Kingy. Though…” She glanced at the crown laying on the ground next to them. “I don’t think your people want you to be King anymore.” The once-King realized this with horror. “Oh no… No! Don’t leave me here! N—” Pinkie put a hoof on his back. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.” She glanced at Hater. “Hey! You!” Hater blinked. “What?” “Give us a few minutes to figure out who the leader is now, okay?” “Uh…” Hater scratched his head. “They can’t surrender if they don’t have a leader,” Peeper pointed out. “Ugh, fine, get a new leader or whatever.” He folded his arms. “Peepers, your method of conquest is boring and takes too long.” “But they’re scared and might hand the Kingdom over without any problem!” “But is that worth it?” Pinkie let the two of them argue. “Hey, gumball guardian? Remember me?” One of the standing guardians nodded with a smile. “Yes, Ambassador Pinkie Pie.” “Could you do me a favor and lift me and the once-King back onto the wall? Pretty please with sugar on top?” She fluttered her eyes expectantly. “For you, yes.” He picked both of them up in his hands and set them back on the wall with the banana guards. “All right,” Pinkie said, picking up the crown and handing it over to the banana guard who kicked the King. “Who’s in charge now?” The banana guard examined the crown for a moment, tracing his fingers along its golden edge and staring at the blue crystal laid within. He glanced at his other guards and the handful of other candy people with him. They all nodded to each other, making a decision. He set the crown on Pinkie’s head. Pinkie’s brain stopped working for a second, but her smile remained. “Y-you sure?” “You’re the friendliest and most caring person we’ve ever met,” Dirt Beer Guy said, revealing himself from between the Banana Guards. “We couldn’t think of anyone more worthy.” “But you only knew me for a day!” “That’s all we needed!” Dirt Beer Guy winked. “And, uh, who else would do it, exactly?” Pinkie clicked her tongue. “Good point. All right, I guess I’m Princess Pinkie Pie today!” She let out an only slightly nervous laugh. “Gonna have to get some wings and a horn installed to complete the outfit, yeah!” “Are you done up there!?” Peepers shouted from the ground. “Yeah!” Pinkie said, sticking her head over the wall. “Acting Princess Pinkie Pie, speaking!” “Are you going to surrender?” “See, I don’t know…” Pinkie said, scratching her chin. “I really, really don’t want to lead these sweet candy people into war, but I also don’t want to be conquered. But! It just so happens that we have a festival going on in the castle, and you know what? I’m going to invite all of you! Enjoy the food, our home, and our people, get to know us a little better!” She held out a hoof and waved. “I’m sure we can become the absolute best of friends and put this whole silly ‘conquering’ business behind us! I can make a pizza in the shape of your face! We could even hammer out a treaty aft—” “NO!” Hater shouted at the top of his lungs. “I am not being lured into a party, I am not being lured into diplomacy…” Peepers cautioned Hater with his hands. “Now, Sir, this might give us an easier way into the City…” Hater completely ignored him. “...and I am not going to listen to anyone with such a disgustingly cheery attitude! You want to ‘help’ me? Let me pound your city into the dust!” Pinkie allowed herself to frown, since smiles didn’t appear to be working on him. “I’m afraid I can’t do that. And, uh, we’re totally cursed with some evil yellow-eyed demon thing, you really don’t want us. Definitely not.” “Surrender or don’t.” Electricity crackled around Lord Hater’s hand. “Your choice.” Pinkie sighed, turning to the banana guards. “Do you guys think you’re up to this?” The banana guards shrugged. “Probably not…” “But I’m not gonna let a stupid skeleton blow us up!” another shouted. “I dunno, surrender sounds good…” “HEY!” Peepers shoutd. “We have your Princess! If you’re having trouble deciding…” Pinkie cocked her head. “But I’m the Princess…” “Your other Princess. You know? Pink? Made of bubblegum? We’ve captured her!” “Bonnie…” Pinkie said, biting her lip. “...Everyone, was your previous Princess named Bonnibel Bubblegum, by chance?” “Yep!” the banana guards said in unison, happy they were able to answer a question simply. “Ponyfeathers,” Pinkie muttered under her breath. Of course she had to be the previous Princess, and had to get captured... “Uh, Lord Hater? What would you do to the Princess if we refused to surrender?” Hater lit up. “Oh, that would be good! If you refuse I get to smash your city and I get to send her to the torture room! It’ll be great for the mixtape! All those screams…” Pinkie let out a whimper. She didn’t see a way out of this. They wouldn’t accept friendship, the Kingdom was in danger, and even fighting their way out seemed silly. She didn’t want this, she didn’t want any of this. She’d wanted to be an ambassador, meet some candy people, and set up a party. Now there were aliens on the doorstep and she was being forced to decide about a war. ...No, she wasn’t being forced to decide. She saw it in the eyes of the banana guards and the gumball guardians. They couldn’t bear the thought of their actions tormenting their precious Princess Bubblegum. Every last one of them had a longing, a longing fostered by being under the King of Ooo. Of having a leader who didn’t care about them. “...Give us an hour to prepare the people for our surrender,” Pinkie said, mane deflating slightly. “An HOUR!?” Hater shouted. “That’s perfectly reasonable!” Peepers blurted. “Yes, you have your hour!” Hater fumed. “But if you wait a minute longer, I will bash these walls down myself!” “You got it!” Pinkie said. But I’m not Pinkie Promising. If we can think of any other way… She bounced away from the wall and landed inside the city, adjusting the Crown of the Candy Kingdom with her tail. “Okay…” she waited for the banana guards to fall in line behind her, and the Candy People to gather. “We have one hour to think of something before we have to give in. Spread news to the people, gather anything and everything that might be useful. Party supplies, people, magic artifacts, I don’t know!” She was breathing faster and deeper than she knew was healthy, but she pushed forward. “And, and… we can’t fight, not directly. But if we could save the Princess…” “Hey, Pinkie!” Marceline shouted, floating out of the castle. “Do you know where I can get some high-yield explosives a—” She noticed the crowd around her and the crown on her head. “Pinkie, what the flippity ding dong did you do!?” “Eheheh…” Pinkie tried to stand tall and look commanding. “So, the King tried to surrender to a bunch of aliens and the—wait, hold on. Where is the ex-King?” Glancing around, she, Marceline, and the banana guards found no sign of the ex-King of Ooo whatsoever. For some reason she couldn’t quite place, Pinkie was absolutely positive his disappearance and the entity within him were much, much worse than the alien army waiting outside.