Celestia hummed as she looked up from her clipboard, her gaze narrowing as she studied Sunset Shimmer.
Sunset grinned nervously, adjusting the tie around her neck. It was a very frivolous piece of apparel, considering that she was a horse and that this was Equestria. Still it helped to dress the part when going in for a performance review.
“I hope you don’t mind if we get a little meta here, Frau Kommandant Shimmer,” Celestia said, squinting as she read the titles.
Shimmer cocked a brow. “Meta?”
Celestia nodded and placed her clipboard down. She folded her forelegs in front of herself, leaning against them. “Now I’m not one of those bosses who just likes to rag on their employees. I like to think of myself as a proactive administrator, a go getter who doesn’t just ignore problems.”
“And it’s a very admirable trait,” Sunset said, offering a nervous smile. “That’s what I respect about you so…”
“Please don’t brown-nose,” Celestia interjected.
“Right, right, no brown on this snout,” Sunset joked, laughing far too nervously. “Just getting a run of the mill performance review.”
Celestia nodded slowly and levitated over a pen. “So, I think the first thing we need to address is the fact that you’ve been acting a little bit out of character lately.”
Sunset waved her hoof into the air. “I mean, what even is in character for me?”
“Well it says here that you are supposed to act like Twilight but with additional confidence,” Celestia said. “Secondary traits include being futch, compassionate, and a top.”
“Why are two of my secondary traits related to sex?” Shimmer asked, trying her best to peer at the clipboard.
This left her with even more questions as Celestia seemed to be studying a blank piece of paper.
“Look I’m not the one who determines what type of pony that you are,” Celestia said. “I can only merely influence all the factors that determine such a thing. You just happened to have the kind of homelife that would result in this type of personality.”
“But you determined my homelife,” Sunset whispered.
Celestia shook her head. “Let’s not get into that, right this second. We have more important things to discuss.” She sighed. “So, for starters, we need you to improve a few of your administrative policies.”
“Like?” Sunset asked.
“Well, maybe you could address the death camps?” Celestia suggested, placing a random check mark upon the page. “They feel like a very good place to start.”
Sunset snorted. “Please, we call them forced friendship centres. It’s all about the branding. People don’t…”
She stopped talking when she realized that Celestia was very clearly not buying it.
“Regardless of naming, they didn’t poll especially well with our target audience.” Celestia explained as she flipped to a new, and equally blank, page on her clipboard. “Neither did the rampant brutalism, environmental degradation, or you having an emotionally abusive relationship with your Twilight Sparkle.”
“Oh come on!” Sunset exclaimed. “Brutalism is like the superior form of architecture. And all those other things were…” She rolled her hoof. “Plays on how I used to be a villain and could be easily manipulated. That seems pretty in character for me.”
“While I can not deny that brutalism is superior, that style of architecture doesn’t exactly poll well when it’s associated with the baddies,” Celestia said. “I’m afraid, either all of these… deficiencies will need to be addressed or you’ll be cut from the program.”
Sunset groaned. “This sucks!”
“It is the nature of how these things work, Sunset.” Celestia flipped over to another page. “Plus, you do know that all the stuff you sent over is kind of trash, right?”
“Wait…” Sunset blinked, looking actually hurt. “You weren’t impressed with the tribute we sent over.”
“Cheap clothing and glass bricks are not exactly something that a whole lot of ponies need,” Celestia said in a matter of fact tone, holding up a plain black t-shirt and one such brick in front of Sunset.
Sunset shook her head. “Those aren’t bricks! Those are pieces of high technology. Their communication devices that can do all sorts of nifty things!”
Celestia glanced at the brick and shook it, yet nothing happened.
“You have to…” Sunset sighed and grabbed it from Celestia. “Did you even read the manuals I sent over?”
She pressed a button upon it and suddenly the glass lit up with a logo.
Celestia took it back and examined it closely. “Well that actually is… kind of nifty. Shame that we dumped them all over the Canterlot mountain side. So, they’re probably beyond…” She gasped. “Oh shit, this thing has sudoku on it! I love sudoku, Sunset!”
“I know you do,” Sunset murmured, burying her face into her hooves. “That’s why I made sure to download it on every device. Do you know how many people perished for that app?”
“And is that a camera?” Celestia beamed as she quickly swiped through the interfaces. Her wonderment quickly faded as she glanced at Sunset. “Regardless to how fucking cool this thing is, you’ll still need to cut it out with the whole shadow state government thing you got going on over there. The readers only enjoy a dictator if she’s wearing a crown.”
“Well could we try giving me a crown and see if that might improve things?” Sunset asked, offering a nervous smile. “I kind of like how…”
“I feel like most of our audience would view that as a cop out,” Celestia said. “Probably nag us about whether or not a war criminal really deserves it or not. You’re a rather divisive individual, Sunset, and we need to work on that.”
Sunset sighed. “So, I need to give up my dictatorship?”
“Yes.”
“And the death camps…” She snorted, letting out a defeated sigh. “I mean friendship centres.”
“Likely those too.”
“And the cyberpunk hellscape?” Sunset asked, pouting and ruffling her wings in irritation. “Can I at least keep that?”
“I’m afraid your Canterlot will have to undergo some significant renovations,” Celestia said.
Sunset groaned. “And the harem?”
Celestia blinked and then burst out laughing.
“I’ll take that as a yes?” Sunset grumbled.
Celestia shook her head. “No, no, keep your fucking harem. Do you know how much the audience loves when we’re nymphos? Have all the sex you want, sweetie.” Celestia sighed fondly. “It’s great for your image.”
“Well at least there’s a little bit of a silver lining,” Sunset grumbled. She looked up at Celestia. “And how exactly am I going to stop them from eating me alive when I announce that I’m reneging my position of authority?”
Celestia shrugged. “I hear apologizing is stupidly effective when it comes to fucking up.”
Sunset sighed. “Yeah I’m sure you’re right…”
It was a rainy day when Sunset took the podium. Before her were the dirty and destitute faces of the millions she had committed a major “oopsy” against.
They looked at her with nothing but scorn and utter hatred. It reminded her of high school but cranked up to eleven.
A row of armoured troopers blocked them from her, holding them back with the threat of violence alone.
Twilight stood at her side, currently the only person who knew about her master plan.
Sunset drew in a breath and taped the microphone, the feedback reverberating through the brutalist plaza.
“So, uh…” She hissed through her teeth. “I’ll admit that I kind of really fucked up with my method of governance and I may have taken things in a pretty extreme direction these last few months.” She swallowed a lump in her throat. “I apologize for the billions I enslaved, millions I killed, and the many crimes against humanity that I have committed. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me but I do hope we can have a functional relationship going forward. With that being said I have decided to step down as governor and dictator for life.” She offered a nervous smile. “So… uh… are we cool?”
The crowd immediately parted, like Moses did with the Red Sea, and suddenly a massive frame was erected in front of her.
Sunset sighed. “Ah… I uh… I see.”
It didn’t take an expert to figure out that it was a guillotine.
“Well would you look at the time,” Sunset said, forcing a nervous laugh as she glanced down at her naked wrist. “I think I have a flight to Horse Argentina that I need to catch. So, I’ll be…”
She inched away from the stage and immediately bolted in the opposite direction, screaming as she fled.
Twilight glanced at the crowd, then reflected on her own crimes committed, before quickly beating a hasty retreat with her girlfriend.
“Horse Argentina does sound romantic!” she called after her.