13
Applejack had her cart half unloaded when her other job caught up to her.
She didn’t think about it much, but that was the way she saw it: Sweet Apple Acres came first when she had a choice and, fun as a good old fashioned adventure could be, unless something was about to squash Ponyville flat it always would. That was just prioritising.
She didn’t feel guilty exactly when she had to drop work to handle some (usually Rainbow or Rarity related) nonsense, what was she, Peter Trotter? But there was saving all of Equestria, if not the whole freakin’ world, which included her family, friends and farm, and there was Mac having to wait for her to pick up the slack because Ponyville decided it wanted to be made of Lego today.
So when she heard a rainbow streak shooting overhead and Rarity’s giddy laughter heading in the opposite direction she simply flicked her ear and continued to arrange this morning’s harvest. It was a two-part strategy. Whatever happened, she’d have done the important thing first and could give whatever was happening her full attention, and if she took long enough maybe it would go away before she had to get involved.
One of the barn’s hay bails rustled.
“I’m gettin’ my rope!” Applejack said sternly.
“Um…” the hay replied.
“Oh, howdy Fluttershy. Just a sec.” Applejack sorted a last bushel of Bloody Ploughmans for that Canterlot lodge order, then turned, hesitating as the rest of her caught up with her ears. “…Twilight?”
A beat.
“Hi?”
“What’re…?” Applejack glanced out the barn doors. She could see Carousel Boutique’s windows glowing from here. “Yeah, figures. Got half a mind to join ya.”
The Alicorn’s head rose timidly from her thatch cover.
“I just need a minute,” she mumbled.
Applejack glanced over her shoulder as distant thunder rumbled in the clouds over the mountains, mulled it over, then half closed one of them with a kick. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”
Twilight smiled gratefully and emerged from the straw, with an obligatory strand still clinging to her horn. Applejack took a seat beside her and gave her a minute. The barn was the most obvious place to hide in a farm family and she’d grown up to realise she hadn’t been immediately discovered during her own freak-outs because her family probably understood the strange, sheltering aura of the place better than anypony.
“Alright, sugar cube, what’s up?”
Twilight hesitated, sighed, and levitated something out. Applejack gave it a prod then flicked it open.
“Oooh, nice!”
To Twilight’s horror she took the thing between her teeth and audibly bit down. A wine glass hum gently shook the rafters.
“Hmm,” AJ mused, weighing the ring in the pad of her hoof, “decent amount o’ carats in there. Classy!” She smacked her lips. “Slight charcoal aftertaste, though. I’d almost swear somepony made this outta a lump of coal! What spell ya gonna use it for?”
Twilight blinked at her. “It’s not for a spell…”
“Then what’s all the fuss about?” Applejack waved a hoof at the world outside the barn.
“I showed it to Fluttershy,” Twilight moaned, “and Spike was there when I found it, so that’s two people who could’ve told Rarity and that’s probably how Rainbow Dash found out, and I don’t even know what’s going on but it’s as good as on Princess Celestia’s desk by now, and I just don’t want to deal with anypony ever again!”
She reared up on her hind legs, hefting an entire hay bail—“This is my kingdom now, Applejack!”—and letting it collapse, covering her completely.
Applejack choked as this kicked up dust from the floor, trying not swallow wafting stalks of hay. She nosed some aside and managed to grab Twilight’s head by smushing her cheeks as the other pony tried to pull it closed. “Twilight, what in seven shades of Celestia are ya--”
“It’s a wedding ring, AJ!”
A beat.
Applejack let go of the princess’ face, unsure if her hat had caught fire and started doing backflips but wouldn’t have been surprised. Her blood and bones had gone so cold it’d probably be a while before she felt anything ever again.
“That!” Twilight announced, kicking herself free of the hay and pointing an accusing hoof. “That face! That’s what I don’t want to have to keep seeing!”
“What face?” said Applejack distantly.
“The one you’re making right now! I don’t want to see it on Dad’s, I don’t want to see it on Shining’s, I don’t want to see it on Johnnycake’s, and who knows what Princess Celestia and Cadence are going to do! Smile, probably!”
***
Outside, Discord popped into existence, dressed in a bride’s maid dress and flowers, with a shower cap (because bridal shower, you see) and moseyed towards the barn, whistling. Here Comes the Bride, naturally.
He reached them just in time for Twilight’s eyes to turn purple with furious energy. “And I swear, if Discord takes one of his shots…!”
Discord froze, then moseyed backwards through his mosey cycle, even whistling in reverse.
***
Applejack noticed the backwards pop but had more immediate concerns than investigating its source, such as making sure her panicking friend didn’t burn her farm down in violet flames. “Okay, okay, sugar cube? Let’s do what Cadence would do an’ take a big ol’ breath.”
“Right, right,” Twilight agreed, and hurriedly went through Cadence’s relaxation technique. It took nine breaths before her pupils became visible again.
“Alright, let’s hear it,” she sighed, flopping her hindquarters down onto the work bench. It was good, dependable apple wood from the orchard, so she winced.
Applejack joined her, blinking. “Hear what?”
Twilight levitated the ring from the floor where AJ had dropped it, spinning it in her field a little to restore its lustre.
“Oh. Well. Whatcha gonna do?”
“Go back home and wait for Peter so I can ask if this is what he really wants.”
“Fair enough.”
Twilight stared at her. AJ shrugged.
“Don’t reckon it’s my place to tell ya what to say! Sorry.”
“That’s…” Twilight began, still trying to process, then smiled and settled on, “very you.”
She reached over and they embraced. “You know you can still give advice here, right?”
“Why,” AJ asked, smirking a slight challenge, “y’gonna take it?”
“Maybe!” Twilight giggled. She sighed as they released each other. “It’s just, I know you have issues with Spider-Pony.”
“Hey now, I like Pete just fine!”
“Yes, out of costume.”
“…huh.” Applejack squinted into the middle distance, realising. “Put like that, I suppose. Be nice if he quit jumpin’ ‘round, runnin’ his mouth.”
Twilight quirked a brow. “Is that an either/or thing, or…?”
“Both,” Applejack said emphatically.
It wasn’t like she didn’t get super-folks exactly. Guys who could throw stuff around with their minds or whatever, what was the E.U.P. supposed to do? She wouldn’t like having to step back and let another costume sort it out for her, but was that really so different from what the Elements did? And it certainly wasn’t the vigilante business. A fair few of her childhood heroes had been whatcha might call outlaws!
But now Twi mentioned it, yeah, there was something about how Peter Trotter could slip on that mask and all of a sudden become this bouncing ball of webs and bad jokes. She remembered snapping at him for it a time or two (dozen) before he and Twilight were official, but she wouldn’t take any of those back. And Pete didn’t seem to take it personally…? Then again, his wise guy routine being impersonal didn’t exactly make any of it better.
“He says it’s partly a coping thing,” Twilight said.
“It’s a lot to ask everypony else to put up with,” Applejack countered.
“So would you…maybe not want that around?”
“Eh, we Apples adapt. Eventually. I didn’t ask to be born this close to the gates of Tartarus either, but I still wouldn’t change a thing ‘bout Ponyville!” Her pride became tangled in her vow and forced her to add, “Well, I mean, if the mayor ever thinks about retirin’…”
Twilight chuckled and tucked the ring box back in her wing. “You’d be good at it! If that was what you wanted, of course.”
“An’ what do you want, sugar cube?”
Twilight took a fortifying breath.
“I want to know if Peter was going to ask today,” she said, with the uncertainty of articulating a steadfast decision. “That way I can start actually thinking about it and brace for whatever comes next. I think we could make it work but things work now, y’know?”
“Hey, I hear ya,” Applejack agreed, nodding as she placed a hoof on the Alicorn’s shoulder. “I come from a big family, remember. ’S why I don’t see how I can tell ya what to do. We don’t think ya get to be part of someone’s life like that until they’ve decided what they’re gonna do with that life. Maybe this is right for ya, maybe it ain’t. All ya gotta know is I’ll be there, sure as anythin’!”
“Thank you,” Twilight whispered. Her wings were part of the embrace this time.
Applejack let it go on a while, trying to pick her moment. It probably should have been after they heard the thunderclap and saw the flashes of rainbow light, which meant Dash had realised she couldn’t fly all the way to the East Coast from here and had come back to ambush her prey on her home turf.
“So, ya gonna get ‘round to makin’ those decisions any time soon, or…?” she ventured with as much tact as she could muster. She had orders to fill out here.
“Oh totally!” Twilight released her, trying not to look too embarrassed. “It’s not talking to Peter…well, I mean, that’s not going to be a walk in the park, then again maybe it will, it’s just everypony else! Rarity’s going to be so into it and Dash absolutely thinks it’s too soon and I haven’t even asked how Spike feels yet…”
“Oh, that.” Applejack popped her joints and adjusted her Stetson. “Now that I can help with.”
“Yeah?”
“Toldja; I come from a big family,” Applejack said, smiling as she chose one of her strongest lassos from a row of hooks on the wall, “an’ sometimes that family needs a lil’ tough love about other folks’ boundaries.”
She kicked the barn doors wide. “Hey, Apple Bloom! I’m gonna need your Super Soaker™!”
A radioactive blooded spider-totem and a bio-engineered alien shapeshifter walk into a bar…
More accurately Spidey tried to tackle Lyja as she was in the middle of blasting off, sending both of them crashing through a saloon window in Murderworld’s wild west section. They rolled apart, sending Spidey smacking into the piano and starting up a recording of The Entertainer.
“What is it with you people?” Lyja panted. “It’s not like you’d feel bad if a bus ran him over! So a bunch of crooks ice a bigger crook, so what!”
She hurled purple energy, sending Spider-Pony hopping from table to table. A pair of longhorns on the wall was struck by the barrage and exploded, hurtling the length of the room. An inactive cowpony robot took one through its fake Unicorn horn, still smiling emotionlessly as it toppled over.
“Well shut my mouth,” Spidey drawled in a bad accent, still dodging. “Must be ten dang seconds since I done heard that particular line of inquiry.”
“Let me guess, you’ve got a little code.” Lyja switched to her laser vision, trying to speed up her barrage and cut the split-second lead her quarry had if she just hurled her powers from her hooves.
“Professionally curious?”
“Just wondering why you people always have to complicate things.”
“Ah, the old simplest solution routine!” Spidey bounded from table to table, purple light decapitating more dummy patrons. “Didn’t take you for an uncomplicated green pony from outer space!”
“You couldn’t take me on your best day! Do you have any idea how low down the Empire’s threat assessment you are?”
“Ouch! Personal much?” Spidey rolled under a table, Lyja’s beams slicing it in half, and sprang onto the bar. “I thought we were talking about Arcade.”
Lyja resorted to her hooves again, firing a blast at the large mirror over the bar. Spidey, instinctively ducking, took the ricochet in the back, crying out as he was hurled across the room. Lyja smirked as he hit the floor behind her but managed to roll with it.
“Fine,” she panted, trying to keep her voice under control as she gathered power in her eyes. “You’re telling me you can’t make an exception for scum like him?”
Spider-Pony responded by bouncing off a wall, still a hairsbreadth ahead of her, to sucker her into slicing through the cords of the saloon’s chandelier. Lyja yelped and ducked as it crashed down in front of her. She stared at the space she could have been standing in, flinching as the Web-Slinger tumbled out of the air to perch on the wreckage and lean in.
“I mean, do you want to be that exception?”
Lyja stared.
Then Spidey winked.
Lyja spun, lashing out with a kick her opponent naturally dodged. She grabbed a bottle off a nearby table and lobbed it at his new perch. Spidey reacted to a flare from his Spider-Sense and sprang for the ceiling. Both fighters froze as a hiss rose over the crash of breaking glass. Vapour coiled from the spreading brown stain eating into the wall. It bubbled and peeled.
“Hey!” Arcade’s furious face poked up from the bar, waving a balled hoof. “That’s the good stuff!”
A beat as he realised what he’d just done and both parties stared at him with equal incredulity.
“…the good acid?” Spidey asked eventually.
“Yes,” Arcade said primly, trying to salvage something by adjusting his lapels.
Lyja grabbed another bottle and lobbed it at him.
Arcade shrieked and ducked as it shattered against and began to warp another pair of wall mounted longhorns above him. Spidey sprang to cover the engineer from further missiles…and realised that was what the Skrull had been counting on. He managed to twist in mid-air before he landed on the bar but that just meant Lyja’s blast caught him broadside and sent him crashing through the banister of the upper floor.
***
Arcade stared up at the space where his would-be saviour had been and suddenly there was an angry Skrull in it, her eyes leaking laser energy.
“Your office!” Lyja barked. “Where is it?”
“I’m sure we could come to some kind of--” Arcade began tremulously.
Both of them flinched and spun at a shattering of timbers under crystal. Doctor Argonaut stomped into the room, his tentacles wrenching the saloon doors away and batting aside overturned furniture.
“I’d advise against that,” he said, scrutinising Lyja. “For one thing he’s turned this place into one of his eyesores and could easily lure you into a trap. Though one wonders what an extra-terrestrial agent would need with Arcade’s private papers.”
“I don’t have to explain anything to you,” Lyja snapped, a little too quickly.
“Oh child, I hardly care,” Argo assured, waving a languid tentacle, “I’m only concerned with eliminating this fool and the arachnid. I’ll busy myself with the former while you finish with the latter. Which way did he go?”
All three villains glanced up at a rapidly descending shadow.
“Room service!” Spider-Pony called cheerfully, shoving a bed from one of the saloon rooms through the already shattered banister.
Lyja and Arcade sprang in opposite directions but he’d made sure to aim it at the bar so it would hit that and tip towards Argo. As he’d expected the genius caught it with his tentacles, which left a nice juicy opening for Spidey to exploit. He sprang from the upper level to bounce off the wall and smack into the villain’s back, clinging.
“Howdy, Doc! Love what you’ve done with the place!”
“I’ll mount your masked head over my hearth, you impudent little--!”
“Oooh, a hearth! Fancy!”
Spidey looped a foreleg around Octavius’ neck, partly to give the mad scientist more to worry about, partly to get a firmer purchase. He was having trouble sticking to Argo’s shell beyond just all this thrashing. Could be it’d been coated with some kind of non-stick solution since last time?
“Bah! Your standards are about as impressive as that third-rate artificer’s aesthetics!”
Argo finally managed to rip the bed in half, tossing both parts aside and freeing his tentacles to claw blindly for his nemesis.
“That’s what I enjoy most about your lectures, Doc, the eloquence.”
Spidey ducked as one of the tentacles tried to swat him off and hauled, testing a theory. Octavius roared at the ignominy as this sent them tottering towards Lyja. The Skrull dived aside again.
Argo slammed one of his tentacles against the wall to steady himself and reached another to heft the still playing piano. Spidey took advantage of this to slam both hooves against his ears, almost more of a slap. The discordant ♪TWUNG♪ of keys as the piano crashed to the floor almost perfectly coincided with the impact.
Octavius cried out in furious pain, then spun with surprising speed, slamming Spidey into the wall. He clung there, stunned for a second, but managed to bring his hooves up in time to catch another of Ago’s tentacles as it tried to ram him.
***
To their mutual surprise the wall caved in, sending Spidey tumbling into a candy themed set, still clutching the tentacle, suspended inches from the green frosting grass. The bright colours of giant sweets and gingerbread houses threw Argo for second, like being caught in a tacky spotlight.
Spidey fired a web-line from his tail, adhering to the spongy floor for extra leverage as he put all his strength into hauling on the tentacle, roaring with the effort as he judo flipped one of his greatest enemies into a chocolate fountain.
Forgive me, Pinkie Pie.
Spider-Sense! He hit the deck as one of Lyja’s beams knifed through where his head would have been and obliterated a giant candy cane.
He spun, ready to retaliate with a barrage of web-balls and was caught completely off guard as a green puma pounced on him, just managing to block with his foreleg as it bore him to the ground.
“Shifting, right…” he grunted, turning his head away from Lyja’s snapping maw. Death by laser puma. He felt Rainbow Dash would’ve approved.
…and yet no lasers. She was just trying to bite his head off. Or maybe just trying to keep him pinned until—
“I think not!” Doc Argo snarled, looming over them and dripping chocolate. He waved one of his tentacles to clear it as much as he could, then bunched its claws into a fist. “The arachnid is mine! You can contend yourself with Arca—What are you doing?!”
Lyja and Spidey glanced back through the hole in the wall as Arcade finished fishing a fan out of one of the shattered cowboy robots. In addition to three more of these he’d also salvaged some wires and four castors from the devastated bed, tying them around his hooves.
“Third rate artificer, am I?” he sneered. He jumped in place, somehow activating his hasty patchwork…skates, Spidey realised as he shot towards them.
Lyja quickly shifted back to normal as the two of them rolled in opposite directions out of Arcade’s way. Argo stared down at the red and white blur shooting between his tentacles.
“So long, suckers!” Arcaded yelled, cackling that irritating laugh of his. White sugar trailed behind the whirring fans of his skates like cartoon dust as he swerved onto a dessert themed road, heading for a tunnel on the horizon between two pudding hills.
“We’re not done!” Lyja snapped, firing purple thrusters from her hooves to blast through the air after him.
Still on his back, Spidey fired a web-line, managing to snag her tail before Argo could focus on him again. The drag was instantaneous as the genius’ tentacles just missed him.
I wonder how Johnny’s doing, he thought darkly, watching as Argo spun to give chase, in the rear of the weird convoy.
“Ow,” he commented dutifully as Lyja’s swerving after Arcade slammed him into a gingerbread lamppost, flipping him onto his front so he could be dragged over every brick-solid gobstopper capstone in the road, “ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…”
***
“Ow,” the Horseshoe Torch commented dutifully as he completed being smashed through a wall and crashing into something.
His flame form flickered off and on briefly from the impact and he used a thermal burst to shoot himself backwards and upwards, buying time. He realised he’d crashed into one of the rooks for a giant chess board room.
Yeah, wouldn’t be a Murderworld production if Arcade didn’t mix up the tackiness with at least one pretentious set. Maybe if I can figure out what these pieces do and how to trigger ‘em…gah, hold that thought.
The villains were galloping in after him. Titania and Absorbing Pony couldn’t fly but that wasn’t so much of an advantage when there were so many things to just pick up and throw at him. Then there was the one who could fly.
“Goin’ somewhere?!” Spellectro sneered, shooting towards him, surrounded by a crackling aura.
Johnny sighed, crossing his forelegs and effortlessly floating aside, leaving the electric villain with a clear path to crash into the ceiling rig illuminating the room. Spellectro yelped and scrabbled to brake on empty air, managing to catch himself on a beam instead of just crashing into it, knocking the wind out of himself. Every spotlight flickered briefly.
Johnny rolled his eyes. They were at a lame stalemate: he couldn’t touch Spellectro without getting zapped, Spellectro couldn’t touch him without getting burned. So basic! He was on the hit lists of guys like Dr. Gloam and Annihlus and now he was having to come up with a clever solution for one of Pete’s lame-os?
Absorbing Pony reminded the Torch to be careful what you wish for by lobbing his ball and chain at him. Johnny managed to avoid the ball itself but the end of the chain whipped him in the back, sending him crashing down between a bishop and a pawn.
“So many ways to crush ya,” the bruiser mused, casually trotting towards him and pressing a hoof to a black piece. His entire body made an unsettling crunching sound as it took on the properties of the material, turning a glossy black. He tapped a hoof against the floor, making cracks. “Yeah, guess this’ll do.”
“Don’t see why I should commit if you won’t,” Johnny winced, rolling out of the way of a crushing stomp.
He flamed on again, shooting back to avoid Absorbing Pony’s follow up swings and an attempted horn stab. Crusher instinctively backed off as Johnny fired a jet of flame at the space between them, though he wasn’t sure what effect that’d have on these ceramics yet. That was the thing with fighting the Absorbing Pony: he wasn’t complicated, but his powers were and there were only so many ways you could counter them.
A roaring Titania came at Johnny, although it was muffled by the wrecking ball’s chain in her teeth.
“Aww!” the Torch cooed, twisting out of its way. “Lookit you two, carrying each other’s baggage! It’s inspirational, really!”
Titania swung again, smashing a chess piece behind him. She followed it up by releasing her bite, sending it flying past, but something about the glint in her eye made him follow it. Yep, she’d been passing it back to hubby. Johnny managed to form an epidermal shield as Crusher caught it with his telekinesis and spun on his hooves, swing it around twice as fast. The impact sent the Torch shooting halfway across the board.
“Think the Thing’ll come callin’ when we mail him your head?” Titania called as the pair charged towards him.
Johnny brought them up short with a quick flame wall and they began to circle each other. “Eh, he's gotten weirder fan mail. So! Gotta ask, a secret HQ? You guys didn’t seem the type.”
“Hey, my lil’ pony deserves to put her hooves up in style,” the Absorbing Pony said.
“Y’know what,” Johnny agreed, nodding, “I can respect that.”
“Ya got manners, I’ll give ya that,” Titania said.
She held out a leg to her husband, both to affectionately squeeze his hoof and to allow him to touch one of the spikes on the sleeve of her costume, converting to a metallic form with his own set of spikes. Much more reliably fireproof than black ceramics.
“Since we’re shooting the breeze,” Johnny continued casually, buying himself more time, “how’re Volcania and the Molecule Mage?”
That made the couple pause.
“Er,” the Absorbing Pony fumbled, caught totally off guard.
“Love ’em!” Titania supplied hastily. “Great pair o’ ponies, but…”
“But she’s crazier than he is,” Johnny said in a rare act of partisan charity.
“For real,” the Absorbing Pony agreed. Titania elbowed him, eliciting a gong noise. “What?!”
“That’s my best friend yer talkin’ about!”
“Aww babe, y’know what I mean…” Crusher stopped and sniffed. “What’s that cookin’ smell?”
“Skill,” Johnny smirked, nodding at their hooves.
They looked down to see that the entire time they’d been circling, his flame aura had been carving through the marble floor.
“Aww, you l’il--" the Absorbing Pony began as Titania took a hasty step backwards. His forelegs were still squarely in the circle when the floor collapsed, so he tumbled face first into the void.
The Torch waved cheekily to Titania and sprang into it as she lunged across the gap towards him.
***
He channelled fragments of epidermis into a fireball on the way down, lobbing it like a small cannonball at the Absorbing Pony as he was climbing out of his crater in…a pinball machine, naturally.
A Princess Celestia themed one. Classy.
Johnny hesitated in mid-air at an approaching buzzing sound. He turned, then threw himself flat against a plastic likeness of the day bringer as Arcade shot past on homebrew skates.
“Move it, Storm!” Lyja snapped, twisting to avoid him.
“Ow, ow, ow,” Spidey supplied, trailing from a line behind her.
Doctor Argonaut and Johnny both yelped as the last pursuer almost collided with the Torch. One of the doctor’s tentacles inadvertently smacked a button with Celestia’s smiling face on it and the entire room shook.
Johnny sighed, turning towards the rumbling and knowing what he’d see. Giant gates along the edges of the room were opening, releasing a pair of enormous white pinballs the size of two Bulk Biceps wrapped around each other.
“This used to be my garage!” Argo bellowed, carrying himself out of their path.
Johnny twisted around one and shot upwards, but winced as he collided with a translucent glass ceiling, designed to mimic the cover of a pinball cabinet. Great, low flight space, obstacles on the field which, knowing Arcade, would probably be explosive, and here came Spellectro to join Agro and the Absorbing Pony gunning for him.
Wonder how Rarity’s doing, he thought idly, floating effortlessly out of the way so a screaming Spellectro launched into one of the flippers and sent himself careening into a Nightmare Moon drain.
15
“Very well,” Rarity announced as Rainbow Dash flapped down to hover above the grass of a clearing. “Here I am. You said you wished to talk, so talk.”
The Pegasus blinked at her. “Say what?”
“No, no, darling, you first.” Rarity smiled charitably and conjured a piece of paper from her bags. “You sent me this letter after all.”
“Uh, no,” Dash retorted, producing her own from her wing pocket. “You sent me this. Figured you’d finally snapped outta this wedding daze!”
She looked the tailor up and down. “Dunno why.”
“What?” Rarity asked defensively, carrying saddlebags bulging with fabrics, her mane adorned with gems and pins, and what seemed to be a swan costume on her back.
“You really don’t get to ask that question.” Dash indicated the limp, doll eyed swan’s head with her own. “Am I gonna regret it if I ask what’s that’s for?”
“You know, sometimes you have so little imagination—!” Rarity began and then focused, telekinetically waving her letter. “So you’re saying you didn’t ask to meet me here to apologise?”
“Why would I apologise?! You’re the one with trying to dress Twilight up as a swan!”
“It’s a theme!”
“How long’s this tHeME been in a binder under your bed?”
Rarity flushed. “Oh, you…know about those.”
“Not ‘til just now.” Dash’s eyes glinted viciously.
“So much for neutral ground,” Rarity huffed.
“Your idea,” Dash insisted, waving her letter, “not mine.”
“It most certainly was not!” Rarity scrutinized the waving pattern of clouds and fireworks on the paper. “Um. Darling. You didn’t think it…odd that I used the sort of stationary one would use for a foals’ birthday party invitation?”
“No? Whaddaya mean? It’s so me! Lookit the clouds!”
“Alright, let’s try again.” Rarity telekinetically held up the white and gold embossed card. “This is also very me, but it’s not the sort of thing you’d use to invite somepony to neutral ground? Which I now realise is on the outskirts of town…”
“Nah, too fancy,” Dash said. She squinted. “Although isn’t that the font Sweet Apple Acres uses for their Gourmont range?”
“Oh dear sweet Celestia,” Rarity said distantly, pupils shrinking.
Something dropped out of the trees above them, bouncing off her head and rolling between them.
It was a zap apple. Burrowed into its skin were the kind of little doohickies foals used to make potato batteries. This seemed to be what was causing the apple to hum. With increasing volume.
***
Dash just stared, nonplussed by the sight while Rarity, a native of Ponyville and having gone through a scamp phase with the local farms like most foals, had the instinct to turn and hurl herself over the fence.
Even with her back to it the blast of light from an overloaded zap apple was overwhelming, devouring the whole world and reducing it to an irritating whine in her ears.
One of her swan’s wings got under a hoof and sent her tumbling, rolling through the bushes and even further into the woods…which was probably what Applejack had been counting on.
Rarity mewled to herself in stylish terror as she staggered to all fours, twisting this way and that. She made for some shapes in the distance then froze when her brain finally made sense of them. They were picnic benches and jungle gym equipment.
The clearing had sounded familiar when she’d read it in the faux invitation. She’d walked right into the trap with an obliviousness that could only come from knowing the area all her life. Applejack had positioned her and Rainbow Dash perfectly on the edge of one of those corporate retreat spaces, the type Mayor Mare had set up to try and draw some money to Ponyville.
A few miles of thick canopy to keep Dash almost grounded, tons of hiding places and all sorts of nasty, dirty, scratchy plants to mess up Rarity’s beautiful coat, among other things. Also nopony around, since the retreats only operated in the spring. The only immediate buildings would be a series of glorified sheds and a café, all locked. There was Spoiled and Filthy Rich’s second home, which they rented out as a hotel for such occasions, but that was on the other side of the woods and there was no way Applejack would allow her to reach a main road like that.
Ah, yes, that was another thing, wasn’t it? She wasn’t familiar with the retreat except generally, but Applejack had practically grown up in these woods and besides, the place would come with a map to keep guests from accidentally meeting anypony who used their hooves for a living.
She probably hadn’t had time to plant traps in all the obstacle courses and rest spots, but Rarity wouldn’t put it past her.
Sounds of snapping twigs and whipping air came from somewhere behind her, so she bolted for a bridge down the slope, hoping she wasn’t leaving a trail of costume jewellery and…uh…costumes behind her.
***
She whipped around one of the pillars and pressed herself against it, balanced on her hind legs and realising that was a bit of a mistake when she was weighed down by two heavy saddlebags and a thematic swan costume. Upon reflection Rainbow was right, it was a little much…
Rainbow’s voice was angrily yelling something but it was echoing enough to sound like it was coming from anywhere. And Applejack wasn’t yelling back. Oh dear. She was serious.
There was a hissing sound that almost snapped Rarity’s terrified spine in half from its suddenness and a piercing shriek she’d only heard Rainbow Dash, brave, bold Rainbow Dash, make in relation to the Wonderbolts. It was universe shaking to hear it made in terror.
There was more rustling somewhere.
Rarity hastily pulled a swath of purple fabric out of her bag with her teeth and expertly tied it around the swan’s head. A few quick nips and tucks and it looked enough like her mane to pass muster, though she’d've liked a needle, thread and comb to do the job properly.
Still on her hind legs, she irritably struggled with the thing until it was (sort of) balanced on her shoulders and stood on tippy hooves to push its head, resplendent with its new mane, over the railings of the bridge.
Nothing happened.
Still on tippy hooves and carrying her ridiculous burden, Rarity scurried behind the nearest tree, complete with a ladder for a zip-line course.
She stuck the swan’s head out from around the trunk.
Something whizzed violently out of nowhere, smacking it right in the eye. Rarity shrieked, then made a confused noise as the swan’s head flopped towards her. It was...wet?
She scrabbled in her bags until she found a small mirror, took a second to adjust her mane and admire how well her eyeshadow was holding up, and telekinetically levitated it a few inches in front of her, trying to angle it roughly in the direction the blast had come from.
Nothing but trees and sunshine. A perfect Ponyville day.
Gulping, Rarity hastily tied some silver and purple fabric together, wadding it into a ball. She counted down from five and hurled it into the open.
A rope whipped out of some bushes and snapped it out of the air like a lunging predator, dragging it helplessly into the foliage. Rarity was already galloping in the other direction, further into the course.
Wide open clearing before her, no-no-no, that wouldn’t do, a nice tall tree, that’s what she needed!
Applejack kicks trees out of the ground for a living, observed a terrified, treacherous part of her brain.
Quiet, you!
She crashed through more bushes on the left and weaved through some trees. Come on, come on, those depressing company ponies simply adored zip-lines! Heaven knew why. But they came with ladders, so she could at least hide somewhere she could see Applejack coming. Maybe she’d even be able to spy a way out from up there.
She skidded to a halt in front of a racetrack, interspersed with sandpits, and caught her breath.
Something lunged for her out one of the pits! She screamed and tried to swat it in the face with the swan’s head.
“Ow!”
“Rainbow Dash?!”
“Rarity?!” The Pegasus shook sand out of her coat and danced around her. “Awesome! You’re good with knots! Get this off me!”
“Stand still,” Rarity snapped, grabbing Dash by the shoulders so she could see what was going on. She pulled her hooves away in disgust. Dash’s face was wet and slightly muddy. “Ugh! What did she do to you?!”
“Tied my wings up,” Dash said with bitterness, the promise of vengeance and a little, just a little, bit of respect.
“I meant your face! Oh, it’s all over my hooves!” Rarity got to work, using her magic to force the reliable knots apart. “Truce? We need to get out of here.”
“Fine.”
Dash scanned the trees, shivering. At first Rarity thought it was from dread of the farmgirl, but realised it was the water all over her front and offered a cloth for mopping.
“Thanks,” Dash conceded, gratefully towelling off and accepting another to try and warm up. “Think your fabrics could hold her?”
“Out of the question,” said Rarity, who still harboured vision of an avian bridal procession, with Rainbow as a bird of paradise, naturally.
“What about that thing, then?” Dash indicated the swan. “Almost took my nose off!”
“You startled her!” Rarity stroked its beak, then shivered. Gads, that was cold. “Uh, I mean me. What is this stuff?”
“Mountain water, I think.” Dash shivered from the memory. “The really cold stuff.”
“Applejack’s…shooting at us with a water pistol?”
“A Super Soaker™,” Dash said leadenly.
A beat.
“What?” Rarity asked eventually.
“It’s a theme,” Applejack said behind them.
Rarity spun as Dash, to her credit, shoved her aside to shield her but she still felt the biting cold from just some droplets that flew over Dash’s shoulder, and the force knocked them both over. The swan at least cushioned their fall. Dash rolled off Rarity, squawking with fury and murder in her eyes. Rarity pawed at the sunlight through leaves above her, helplessly pinned by her heavy saddlebags.
“Nuh uh,” Applejack snapped as Rainbow lunged for her. She pumped the trigger, squirting quick, freezing blasts.
“Gyagh! Nygh! Quit it! Whoo!” Dash danced back with each shot, cowering under her wings. “Alright, alright!”
“Gonna be in a bit, yeah,” Applejack agreed.
Dash howled as she fired a concentrated jet over both wings. “SUNS OF TARTARUS, THAT’S COLD!”
“Can’t have ya chewin’ through my rope,” Applejack observed mildly. “Gotta buy it myself. But I reckon ya ain’t gonna be flyin’ away in a hurry.”
“I’m gonna--” Dash spat, but froze, hooves still clenched as AJ swung the dripping barrel up to point right between her eyes.
“Hello,” Rarity trilled, yelping as it was trained on her, but recovering as much poise as she could while impersonating a helpless turtle, “—agh!—ah ha ha, yes, expert marksmanship darling, you deserve all the prizes, we were just wondering, Rainbow and I, you know, um…what are you doing?!”
“Givin’ Twilight a hoof,” Applejack replied, beaming to rub it in.
“Ah, so you know?”
“Yep.”
“Isn’t it marvellous?” Rarity tried.
“Oh please,” Dash muttered, but shut up when AJ’s eyes shot towards her.
“Yes, well done,” Rarity grinned, holding out a single foreleg for a hoof up. “Rainbow’s been simply beastly, hasn’t she? Understandable I suppose,” she added hastily as a drop of freezing water from the lowered barrel splashed between her legs, “I mean, it’s a big change, we’re all a little emotional, but clearly you understand we must support Twilight!”
“That’s what I’m doin’,” Applejack said, almost pressing Rarity’s head down through the earth with her glare. “As in, I figure it’ll be a big help to throw you two lunatics down the same hole ’til she’s sorted this out.”
Rarity blinked up at her. “What?”
“You heard me. That ring don’t mean a thing to us, an’ if Twilight wanted either of your advice she’d’ve asked for it. Like she did with me when she was hidin’ in the barn.”
“Hiding?” Dash asked, squinting.
“From the pair of ya, an’ I’m not surprised!” Applejack thrust an accusing hoof at her while keep the Soaker trained on Rarity. Dash backed up as if it was an oncoming siege engine. “You flew halfway to Manehattan before ya realised ya couldn’t make it! You’ve been tearin’ up the skies all day, probably practicin’ what you’ll do to Pete’s face on some innocent clouds!”
“It’s way too soon!” Dash snapped.
“’Course it is!” Applejack snapped back.
“What? You agr—? Then what the—?!” Dash brandished her freezing wings incredulously.
“’Cause it ain’t our place to make this decision! You’ll have your time to tell Twi what ya think an’ you’ll do it like an adult! She’s the one makin’ this call, not us, an’ it ain’t our right to tell her how to make it.”
“That’s not what I’m doing!”
“Nah, you’re throwin’ a tantrum ’cause you don’t wanna deal with a change like this ’til you’re ready!” Applejack snapped, lashing the Soaker furiously. Rarity flinched her head to the side to avoid a smattering of freezing droplets. How much water could she have left...?
Dash stared at her furious almost-sister, opening and closing her mouth in outrage a few times, then looked away guiltily.
“An’ you,” Applejack snarled, obliterating Rarity’s brief flicker of satisfaction.
“Me?!” Rarity protested.
“Stopped by the boutique to deliver your invite.” Applejack’s eyes were hard as jade and volcanic as Mt. Vesuvius. “Saw what you were puttin’ together. Had to be half yer dang stock! Didja even stop to think if Twi was gonna say yes?”
Rarity’s mouth hung open.
“Figured.” Applejack shook her head. “Y’know, it’d be one thing if ya were usin’ this to plan your dream weddin’ or somethin’ pathetic like that, but dang, you’re actually throwin’ together your dream Twilight Sparkle weddin’. I’d be impressed if I wasn’t so mad I could hardly see straight.”
“When did I become the villain here?!” Rarity asked indignantly.
“Nopony said nothin’ about villains,” Applejack said in a tone that made it clear there wasn’t going to be an argument. “If Twi goes ahead with this you’re gonna listen to her an’ give her what she wants. If she says no you’re gonna support her, not try an’ talk her back into it.”
“But why are you all acting like it’s a bad thing?” Rarity almost wailed. “Twilight getting married? This is a love story!”
“Nopony’s actin’ like…” Applejack trailed off and shot Rainbow Dash a glare. “Alright, but I talked to Spike an’ the others. They’re not doin’ nothin’ ’til they know what Twi wants, like friends should. There’s a right side here but it ain’t either of yours. Now c’mon back to the castle, she’ll set ya straight. An’ you’re gonna sit there, towel off, an’ listen to her. ’Cause this is about her, not you.”
“Fine,” Dash muttered sullenly.
Rarity grunted as Applejack hauled her to all fours. “Fine,” she agreed. “I…supposed I did get a bit carried away.”
“Rarity, ya made a whole dang swan.”
“It was a theme! Anyway, I appreciate your candour Jackie, but really! Hunting us down? Spraying us like we were ill behaved cats?”
“Worked, didn’t it?”
“You didn’t spray her at all!” Dash protested, outraged at this injustice.
“Good point,” Applejack smiled as she pumped her weapon and whirled on Rarity. “Better make sure all the fight’s gone outta ya…”
“Applejack, don’t you dare, don’t you dare—GYAGH, JACKIE, NO-HAW-HAW-HAUUUUGH!”
To be Continued