//------------------------------// // Chapter 2. Like Pulling Teeth. // Story: My Large Villain: Alcohol is Magic // by Hotel_Chicken //------------------------------// The sound of a sad mare’s beautiful song wafted in the air of a dingy bar in Manehattan on a late night. The somber melody was one of the few songs in the bar’s limited collection that Tirek actually enjoyed. Taking a sip of his own supply, Tirek allowed himself to sit on the floor behind the counter as he rested his head on it. It had been several days since his former ally had trotted into the bar in order to seek revenge on the ponies who inadvertently sent them back to the past. The days that followed were long, and business had crawled to a near halt. Tirek glanced at the empty bar, silently lamenting the lack of business as he chewed on a peanut. While less ponies meant a less likely chance of being recognized, it also meant that the bar was more likely to be shut down. His employer, Nermal, had shown a casual disinterest to the business’ slow pace, but Tirek knew that his calm attitude was only a thinly veiled facade. The abyssinian had put a placed a great deal of faith in his newly won bar, using it as an opportunity to settle down in a city in Equestria so that he could escape the oppression of the Storm King’s minions. Being a creature from the far west of Terra, Nermal was unfamiliar with the customs and species of Equestria which had led to a series of poor choices that caused him to fall into debt. If the bar failed to earn a profit, then it would only be a matter of time until Tirek’s employer was swallowed by his growing debt, leaving Tirek without a home or source of income. While he hated to admit it, the basement beneath the bar was by far the best place Tirek had lived in in centuries. Compared to his cage in Tartarus, the dark and twisting alleyways of Manehattan, and the oddly shaped skull cave in a swamp that he shared with Chrysalis and Cozy Glow, the basement was a glorious gift from whatever god or goddess controlled the world. As he silently thanked whatever creature was responsible for giving him a chance to meet Nermal many weeks ago, the bell that hung above the entrance to the bar announced a potential costumer. With great haste, the old lord rose to his hooves and rested his arms on the counter of the bar. At the threshold of the door stood a pair of twin unicorn stallions, each one taller than the average unicorn by at least a head. Scorch marks and stains marred their yellow coats, and what little clothing they wore was torn to ribbons. Aside from the amount of burns and stains they were covered in, the only noticeable difference between them was that one had a bright red mustache while the other’s muzzle was completely clean shaven. “Well brother… Isn’t this a fine establishment?” The one with a mustache asked as he led the way inside. “I… I couldn’t agree more, brother. What a… quaint place of rest,” the other replied as he tried to match his brother’s forced enthusiasm. “Why hello, good sir, would you mind pouring us a beverage of your choice.” “Something that doesn’t have apples in it, preferably,” the mustached brother added on before the pair took a seat at the counter. Without a word, Tirek poured the pair two glasses of Rum and Coke, allowing Tirek to use the cheapest bottles of rum Nermal had in stock. After offering the beverages to the two brothers, the both raised their glasses in the air to give themselves a toast. “To… Um… Flim, why don’t you raise the toast this time,” the mustached brother offered. His brother glanced around the bar before looking at the state of himself and his brother, quietly counting the burns and bruises that littered their bodies. “… Flam… We’re lucky to be alive.” “Amen to that, brother!” The mustached one, Flam, cheered as he clinked his glass against Flim’s. “No, Flam, you don’t get it. Look at us, did you think we’d ever end up like this? Beaten and burned, forced to leave another town because our scheme failed? We almost died today!” “But we didn’t!” Flam enthusiastically pointed out as he drank his Rum and Coke. “Sure, not today, but what about tomorrow? Flam, how many towns have we been chased out of now?” Film asked as he placed his drink down on the counter, leaving it to be abandoned as he focused on his brother. “Oh, come on Flim, you know that it’ll be fine. We’ll pack up the wagon, leave this crummy place, and start fresh in—” “In where, Flam?” Flim interrupted. “We’ve been chased out of every place from Canterlot to Ponyville. And ever since we had that run in with that mare in Ponyville, we haven’t been able to get a good business going anywhere! Nopony’s willing to hire two con artists who pissed off an Element of Harmony!” “Well how was I supposed to know that?!” Flam argued back. “Why the buck would an Element of Harmony be living in some backwater town next to the Everfree Forest when she could be living in Canterlot? If I had known who she was, I woulda packed up our shop and galloped for the hills! But noooo. It was you who said that she’d be easy pickin’s!” “Oh-ho-ho, don’t you blame this on me! You were supposed to do reconnaissance, find out the layout of the town, see what ponies liked, AND MAKE SURE WE DON’T PISS OFF A CELEBRITY!” “Well I’m sorry that nopony in alllllll of Equestria knew any of the Element’s faces until that stupid Gabby Gums article! Yes brother, I’m sorry that I didn’t know something that NOPONY ELSE KNEW!” Tirek watched with mild interest as the brothers went back and forth, blaming the other for their own shortcomings while claiming complete innocence. For a moment, Tirek was reminded of the petty squabbles he, Chrysalis, and Cozy Glow would often get into when they had joined forces. Hours of time that had been set aside for planning world domination had been filled to the brim with long insults and accusations that ceased any attempts at productivity. Long nights of arguments gave way to bitter mornings of grumblings, before their cycle of arguments would start again later on in the day. While it would have been amusing to watch an argument like theirs continue, he remembered how far his arguments with the crown-less queen and the tyrannical filly would escalate and he had no intention of allowing the brothers to begin hurtling dangerous spells at each other while inside the Cat’s Cradle. “Sirs, would you—” “SHUT UP!” The two brothers screamed as their returned to their argument. Tirek stared dumbly at the arguing twins for a brief moment before a subtle rage began to rise inside of him. He resisted the urge to slam their heads into the counter and completely drain them, but he wasn’t sure how long he could refrain from turning the pair of loud ponies into a snack. Instead, Tirek decided to restrain his anger, take a deep breath, and shout with the fury of drakaina laying her first egg. “ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU STOP SHOUTING!” He roared. The two suddenly fell silent, pinning their ears against their skulls as they flinched at his powerful voice. The foundation of the bar shook briefly, causing several picture frames and other decorations to fall off the walls and smash against the old floorboards. Once the foundation of the bar had finally settled, Tirek lightly coughed into his fist before he spoke to the twins. “Better. Now, you two shouldn’t argue, you’re brothers,” Tirek reprimanded them, before he felt a strange presence coil around his heart for a moment. “You shouldn’t waste your time arguing who did what. Instead, you should both learn and move on.” “Move on? Move on?” Flim repeated. “We don’t have anywhere to move to. All because of him,” he accused as he pointed his hoof at his brother. “Me? Well—” “Shut up,” Tirek instantly interrupted. “Let me ask you both a question. Have you tried to take over Equestria?” “No,” the two chorused. “Have you done anything that could be considered treasonous to the princesses?” “No, but we have done a few questionably illegal things,” Flam answered, earning a punch in the barrel from his brother. “Well, have either of you been caught or tried for those things?” “Ha! Who do you think we are, a pair of newborn foals?” Flim asked in an arrogant tone. “We’re professionals, not even Princess Celestia herself could catch us.” “Then do that. Lay low, stick to the shadows, wait for everypony to forget about you. And then, come back with a better plan,” Tirek advised. “Well what’re we supposed to do for money? It’s hard to lay low without the dough,” Flam incorrectly pointed out. During his time in the past future timeline… thing, Tirek had spent the better part of a year without a bit to his name, hiding with a mix of fortunate alleys and an occasional invisibility spell. “Then why don’t you try reforming or something. If the princesses could forgive Dis—” “Don’t say his name!” Flim interrupted before leaning in to whisper to the centaur. “It gives him power.” “Whatever,” Tirek replied with a roll of his eyes. “Just make everypony think your better like… I don’t know, why don’t you publish a book or something.” “A book?” Flam parroted. “Yeah, like… I guess something like a guide to seeing through a con. You’ll appease that book obsessed princess, and then you might be able to fake being, ‘reformed’,” Tirek said, using his fingers to emphasize the last air quotes. “That’s… Actually clever,” Flim admitted. “What?! You want us to tell ponies how to see a con job? Brother, I don’t know if the last scuffle we were in caused you a bit of brain damage, but we’re conmen. Our livelihood is built on the fact that nopony can see through our cons!” Flam argued. “Except they already know we’re conning them the moment they see us! Think about it, we’re the best conmen in all of Equestria, riiiight?” “Naturally.” “So, we sell a book to hurt the competition out there, make Equestria see us in a better light, and then BAM! Back to conning unsuspecting ponies who fully trust us! And this time, our cons will be bigger, grander, and we won’t put those into the book beforehoof. We’ll have an unlimited supply of ponies to con!” Flim exclaimed. Flam pondered the idea for a moment, bringing a hoof to his chin as he thought about their new plan. “That could work…. We’ll need an endorsement, somepony everypony already trusts…” “… Are you thinking what I’m thinking, dear brother of mine,” Flim asked with a mischievous smile. “Only if you’re thinking about something absolutely brilliant.” “So, would conning the most honest pony in all of Equestria to get revenge while also building up a growing sense of trust in Equestria to later turn that trust against the populace so that we can bask in fame and glory while laughing at a certain Element of Harmony, count?” “You know it, dear old brother of mine!” Flam announced as he lifted his refilled glass into the air with his magic. “To… Revenge?” “I like the sound of that!” Flim agreed as they clinked their glasses to commemorate the beginning of their path to revenge. Tirek briefly considered giving them a fair warning about not wanting revenge, but shrugged it off in favor of selling the two brothers more of the bar's stock. With luck, he could probably convince them to spend a fair number of bits on their celebration, earning the bar a decent amount of money for upkeep and to partially pay for Nermal's debt. If the twins were so eager to prepare a cold dish of revenge, then the least Tirek could do was give them the liquid confidence they needed to do it.