Anamnesis

by Background Bystander


Equine Encounters

“Oh shit this is bad, no WAY we’re passing for sober, we’re fucked!” Louis could feel his heart hammering on his rib cage, attempting to flee, “Should’ve just listened to Creedence when we had the chance, man! They had the answers! Run through the jungle…don’t look back…don’t look back…” He trailed off, muttering in a panic. He’d been busted before, but never this deep into a trip.

Traces of sweat trickled down Ambrose’s face, “Yeah, we’re still high as kites. If anyone saw us-“

“Stop doing that! It’s not funny!” Louis shouted.

“Stop shouting! You’re gonna draw more attention!” Ambrose shouted back.

“Me? You’re the one who’s yelling!”

“You did it first!”

Louis shook his head, “Alright stop, stop! This isn’t getting us anywhere. Those fuckers will be beating down the door any second. We keep doing this, we're gonna get caught with our pants down.”

“Uhhh, we’re not wearing pants…or anything for that matter,” Ambrose said, a slight blush appearing.

Louis looked between his legs, then back to Ambrose, “…Shit, even worse.” He then swiveled his sight around the area, “Ok, I don’t see anything yet, we still got time for a plan.”

Fine. Just fine for Louis. If his luck was ever going to turn around tonight, it would have to be now. No way he could charm his way around a cop; the scene would be too crazy. Something so out there that to tell anything but the truth might trigger something in the officer. Some kind of spite fueled rage that would result in a longer sentence than the rambling spew he would spray the cop’s way. He could see it now, the skull-splitting tension, the maniacal mutterings of a man gone mad:


“Ok now Mr. Louis…uh…Hemmingway, yes, we’ve received many concerned calls from homeowners here of a serious noise complaint, sounded like someone was being attacked. You happen to know anything about that?”

“Yes officer, absolutely we were attacked, man, attacked by those goddamn, go-for-nothing Tree huggers! Nothing but bad news, I’ll tell ya!”

He lifts an eyebrow, “Are you saying a group came over to the house and physically assaulted you and your friend here?” He points over to the larger figure in the corner, “Would that explain why you’re not wearing any clothes…and the fact you’re on all fours, Mr. Hemmingway?”

“Well…not exactly officer, you see, the reason we’re naked as you call it, is because we’re horses.”

“Horses?” He says.

“Wait…no, ponies! Yeah, we’re ponies, sir. My friend over there was visited by Nicole, a real bitch officer, class-A cunt. Anyways, she gave him these Elements while he was out and about one day, and we were told they would get us away from all the troubles of the world right now, seemed like a good idea at the time. I baked those little shits into some brownies and ate them later. But do you know what, man?”

“I’m listening,” He states, pen mimicking a writing motion.

“They didn’t help us at all! It was fucking far out, too far out for me. I had to go in the bathroom, and my face started to peel off, so I just decided to remove the whole thing, seriously irritating my fur, y’know?”

“Mmm-hmm”

“Yeah, so after I removed my human skin, I discovered I was this petite little pony you see before you! I know, I couldn’t believe it either! It wasn’t exactly a clean strip though, was quite the bloody affair having to tear off limbs. That’s why there was all this shouting and that blood in the hallway.”

“Uh-huh,” Heavy stare, “…and your friend, Mr. Sinclair, he mentioned something about a forest?”

“Uhhh-oh, yes! After me and Ambrose here, he’s a mare now, were in the living room after we became ponies, trying to calm each other down. But the house, man. The house started to fall apart all around us! It was crazy, real scary shit. It all crumbled, revealing this big, scary forest we’re standing in right now. That’s the whole story, officer. That girl assaulted us in our most sensitive spot, the brain. Can you believe that officer?”

The officer stood silent, continuing to scribble away notes. When he finished, he clicked his pen closed, giving off the sound of a cocking firearm. His gaze darkens, teeth beginning to bare as he inches closer to the pony. Backing it into a corner, he levels the gun to its skull, slobbering and searing with rage as he muttered to the poor animal one word:


“NO!” Louis screamed, covering his face with his forehooves.

“I thought we said no screa-“ Ambrose was muted by a hoof mashed into his muzzle.

“We gotta hide,” Louis whispered, “…The bushes, we hide in the bushes. Going by the trip's logic, they shouldn't see us...hopefully."

He desperately looked around for a safe place to hide. There, a big bush off the trail, big enough even for Ambrose to hide in, “Quick, over here!” Before Ambrose could blink, Louis hopped headfirst into their cover.

Ambrose grumbled, “Secluding in shrubbery, we’ve really hit rock bottom now.” He followed into the bush. Miraculously, they managed to avoid pricking themselves on any wild branches as they sat and waited for those unsavory guests to make their appearance.

Slowly but surely, the sound of those boots became steadier as they came closer. However, they'd since warped into the rhythmic clip-clop of hooves, a sound the two had become accustomed to thanks to their own pairs. The voices, however, were something that took them by surprise.

“Ah-ha! I found it!” A feminine voice gasped with glee, soon followed by a quick gallop towards the bush, “Starlight, it’s over here!”

Soon, another pair of hooves quickly made their way over, “You did? Oh, thank you so much, Twilight! I thought it was gone for good.”

“Starlight?” Louis whispered to Ambrose.

“Twilight? Ambrose whispered to Louis.

The two voices continued, “Yup, just a little aerial scouting, and it was pretty easy to find,” The one called Twilight said, “You need to keep a better grip on it next time, seeing as we had to go pretty deep in the Everfree to find it.”

“Aerial…they got helicopters?” Louis muttered.

“Quiet,” Ambrose replied.

“Sorry Twilight, that gust just sorta caught me off guard,” Starlight said sheepishly, “But this kite’s one of my favorites. I couldn’t just let it go like that.”

The sound of wind chimes could be heard as the kite was hoisted into the air, “Yeeeah about that,” Twilight said.

Another gasp could be heard, one of shock, “Oh no! You’ve gotta be kidding me!” Starlight exclaimed, “It must’ve gotten stuck in the trees, o-or some creature got a hold of it! I worked really hard on this one, too!”

“I’m so sorry Starlight, we can always rebuild it.”

Starlight sniffed, “I-I know, but he w-was so young, so pure! He had only just gotten a taste of what it was like to be up there, to feel the wonderful winds of Equestria’s skies! And now, he’ll never be the same again!” It sounded like she had collapsed to her knees in despair as she continued to wail, “What sort of heartless monster could do this? To take away such innocence from this world? Why…why…WHY?”

Louis’s ears folded to his head, which hung low with a bright red blush of embarrassment, sorry…

“Uh, Starlight? You think you’re being just a little overdramatic?”

“Oh, uhh,” Starlight cleared her throat, “Perhaps that might’ve been a little too much there,” She chuckled, “All that melodrama is more up Rarity’s alley anyways.” The two of them began laughing together.

“...What's even happening right now?” Ambrose said, dumbfounded by what he was hearing.

“I’m beyond lost, man. See if you can get a look at them.” Louis said.

“I’ll try, hang on,” Ambrose parted the leaves slightly, allowing him a small window as to what was unfolding, even if it was blurry.

There was indeed only two present. Two ponies present. Great, now I’m seeing everyone else as ponies as well, Ambrose thought to himself. Both had coats a hue of purple: one more lavender, and the other a paler coloring. The manes were a similar story, another shade of purple with highlights of fluorescent pink and teal. The marks on their flanks both had themes of shimmering stars, badges. No doubt about it, their similarities were due to being uniforms. The neighborhood had called the cops on them. And now, however strangely, they were on the hunt for the perpetrators.

“Well?” Louis whispered.

“No doubt, it’s the cops.”

“Shit,” Louis shivered, “Now what?”

“We have to wait them out, no other way now.” Ambrose sunk back into his original position.

"Wait them out? There right outside the fucking door, man!” Louis hissed.

The two officers outside continued their conversation, "Well if we're all settled, I would like to get out of here as soon as possible. Even if the trees caught it, some creature, or somepony, came to scope it out. Check out these hoofprints." Twilight said, the sound of a hoof tapping following her statement.

"You're right, look at the size of these ones here!" Starlight said, "There almost twice the size of my own, whatever passed through here was very big."

Ambrose could feel his pupils shrink to pins, slowly trying squish himself even further in the shrub.

Causing said shrub to shake slightly.

Any action outside the bush ceased immediately, bringing about an eerie silence. Starlight audibly gulped, "...And very close."

Louis looked to his friend in a panic, starting to shake again with fear.

“Oops...” Was all Ambrose could muster.

They could feel the ponies growing suspicions, pairs of overlarge eyes slowly moving side to side in search, "Starlight, stay close, we need to do a scan of the area...just to be sure," Twilight commanded.

And with that, those familiar wind chimes began to ring out, Louis could feel another kind of ringing in his head. Urgh that feels weird, what’s happening to me? He thought, it feels like…some sort of signal, tapping into my skull…no it’s just my nerves, calm down. Stay low. Shortly thereafter, that entire sensation encased his whole body, mainly wrapped around his abdomen. “Amby, let go off me,” He whispered, not shifting his gaze away from the two outside.

“What? Why would I be holding…you...” Ambrose trailed off, confused.

“Then what is this-“ Louis looked over to Ambrose, who was now highlighted in a hue of translucent teal. Not too different to the yellow aura he created around the remote earlier that night. He then looked down to his own body, whose cream fur was now shining a glowing pink all over.

Fuck.

“I got something!” Starlight exclaimed, “Over there, in the bush!”

“Me too,” Twilight replied, slightly perplexed, “But it’s…odd.”

“Odd?” Starlight asked, worry creeping its way into her tone.

“Yes, the reading I'm getting is pretty familiar, it seems to be…accompanied by magic. The amount normally found in…a unicorn?” Twilight said surprised.

FUCK!

“What?” Starlight shouted, “Why would a unicorn be here, and hiding in the bush no less?” She was still for a moment, before letting out a frightened gasp, “It’s the creature! It’s attacked somepony!”

Ambrose felt something latch onto him all over in a vice grip, unable to move, What the hell? Let go of me!

“Hang on Starlight, we don’t know that yet.” Twilight said in a calming voice.

“Oh, we’re about to find out. Right...” Ambrose’s limbs soon left the ground, faintly floating upwards as he was overwhelmed with panic.

“…NOW!” And with that Ambrose was shot out of the shrub, ripping into the air like a rocket. “AAAAAAHHH!” He screamed, flailing his hooves and flapping his wings. None of these helped much as he soon was reunited with the ground, crashing hard and his head bouncing off the ground before rolling a few times. Soon he came to rest, his back towards the two officers.

“NO!” Louis screamed, squirming to slip from his own magical grip.

“I got you, you thief!” Starlight said, slowly making her way towards him, “Think you just go around stealing kites and fellow ponies, do you? Well THINK…again?” She stopped her triumphant rant as she caught a glance at his wings, and certain marks brandished on both hips, “Wait a minute, a pegasus?”

“Oooooh…” Ambrose groaned, slowly picking up his throbbing head. That didn’t change the way he felt much; everything was so surreal to be properly processed. Did he really just get thrown around his own house by an officer? While envisioning himself as a fucking pony? Naked? How was he supposed to comprehend anything as ridiculous as that? Any dignity that remained decided to go wherever his manhood deserted too. Any enjoyment tonight had long since evaporated. All he wanted now was to be done with this horseshit and the horse shit, but now he was in the shit because of horses…shit.

His vision soon became clear as the fuzzy forms of four horses slowly fused into two very cartoonish, very confused ponies. As his eyes darted between their gazes, he quickly thought of something to say, something that might ease this encounter with equines.

“Uuuuhh…neigh?”