A little chaos goes a long way. Discord, also known as the Spirit of Disharmony, the Cosmic Tomfool, and (on very special occasions) the Lord of the Dance, spiraled lazily in and out of unreality somewhere both above and three parsecs to the left of Canterlot Palace. He was grossly malnourished from centuries of imprisonment and still a little sore about having been ripped in half by a projectile half the size of the planet, but all things considered, he felt pretty good.
Just a little nudge here and there had been plenty to get the ball rolling on his coup against the Princesses. Even drained and exhausted from the narrow escape he’d made earlier in the day, the feeble traces of Chaos magic that flowed from his strengthening reservoir had already caused a glorious amount of havoc over the nation of Equestria. Most ponies believed that he actually controlled the powers of Chaos. Even Celestia and Luna, the guardians of the most organized (blech) and prosperous (eugh) civilization on the planet, still considered him a conscious threat against the lives of their subjects.
“Do I look,” he drawled between bouts of giggles, “Like a Draconequus with a plan?”
Chaos was fickle. It moved on its own, with or without his direction. He may be guilty of guiding the flow and ebb of its tide here and there, but at the end of the day, Discord would always be content to just sit back and watch the magic happen. Ponies created enough chaos when left to their own devices. The most he ever had to do was get the ball rolling. A suddenly transparent outhouse here, a volcanic eruption there, the odd pot of petunias left to plummet six miles from the atmosphere...
...My, that was a curious blue box floating in and out of the multiverse beside him.
“Trans-dimensional Inspection Authority! Pull over to the nearest legitimate reality, if you’d be so kind!” A skinny brown pony with a gaudy green tie waved a small wallet full of questionable credentials through the open doors of the appropriately-branded “Pony Box.” His mane was a shock of auburn, and an hourglass cutie mark covered his flank. Not used to being waylaid by a pararealistic traffic stop, the Draconequus shrugged and re-entered the skies of Equestria, landing gracefully on the palace roof. The box shrieked to a halt with a whine and a groan beside him, allowing its pilot to step out and present his wallet for inspection.
“Mister Discord, is it? I’m the Doctor, resident TIA inspector for this and the closest six-i quasi-realities to the ana and kata from this relative dimension. I think you’ll see that my credentials are in order.” Discord took the black wallet from the Doctor’s hoof, reading the laminated sheet inside it before returning it with a toothy grin.
“Really? Slightly-psychic paper? That is classic.” He stifled a chuckle and wiped a tear from his eye with a claw. “Where’d you find a gag like that? I didn’t think ponies could even make psychic-imbued inanimates yet. It didn’t have any credentials on it, by the way. It just said your bow tie was cool. Speaking of which...” With a snap of his fingers, a large, red bow tie fizzed into reality around Discord’s neck. He preened it absentmindedly as the Doctor watched.
“Oh. Very nice bow tie.”
“Thank you.”
Digging into a pocket that manifested itself somewhere above his hooved leg, Discord fished out a flimsy pair of 3-D glasses. He placed the red-and-blue lenses over his eyes as he took a seat and patted the rooftop next to him.
“Sit for a spell, Doctor. I’ve been meaning to catch up a bit on some Chaos here, and you’re welcome to join. Until I turn you into a newt, or something. Or not.” He grinned devilishly.
“Chaos magic! That’s fantastic. Temporal anomalies are just my favorite. Give me a minute.” The brown colt scampered back into his blue box, re-emerging with a paper bag in his mouth as he trotted back to the Draconequus. Reaching a hoof into the bag, he offered a cookie to the Spirit of Chaos while settling down for the show. “Don’t suppose you’d like a Jammy Dodger?”
-----
KRRR-ZAK
Another marble tile evaporated into dust next to Dodge’s hooves as he scrambled away from the encroaching princess. The captain was in a dead sprint now, putting his checkered-flag cutie mark to the test as he leaped and ran from each successive blast scoring the walls and floor behind him.
“Join th’ Guard, they said. Meet th’ Princess, they said. I hope my recruiters die in a fire,” he mumbled to himself through gritted teeth. He tucked and rolled out of the way as another solar flash crackled through the air painfully close to his flank. A section of carpet just beyond burst into flame as the bolt burned clean through the fiber.
Behind him, glorious and awash with starfire, Princess Celestia hovered lazily above the floor as heat bled from her glowing horn, distorting the air around it. With each playful flap of her wings, she gained a little more ground on the fleeing Guardspony.
“Oh, now you’re just being mean, Captain. All I want to do is have a little fun. Do you have any idea how many centuries it’s been since I’ve let my mane down? I expect you to do the gentlecoltly thing and service your princess.” Another flash of light, stronger than those previous, scarred the masonry deeply. Dodge skirted around the gouge in the floor, edging away from the red-hot marble shards as he ran. “Really! Arcane bolts don’t even hurt; it’s like a healthy dose of anaesthetic! Let me soothe you!”
Another mental note added itself to the captain’s growing list of things to remember, should he survive the day: get Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor, Princess Luna - anypony - to explain to her the subtle difference between “soothing” and “rending.” It wasn’t the highest priority on his to-do list, granted. But as his armor shattered under a direct hit, hurling bits of glowing shrapnel across the hall, he found it climbing pretty damn close to the top. The shock from the blast threw him from his hooves. Somewhere distant, his Guard helmet clattered to the ground as his blue mane obscured his vision. For what he earnestly hoped would be the last time in his military career, Dodge Charger found himself flying bodily through the air.
This was s’posed to be a good day, Dodge. Everythin’ in order. Greet the princess, glare at some court members for awhile, run a couple’a laps. None o’ this Chaos horseshit. Now one of my soldiers is trussed up like a Goddess-damned spit roast, the other one’s carryin’ him around like a Goddess-damned Candy Gram...
He paused long enough to notice the window rushing towards him a lot faster than he’d have liked it to.
...Goddessdammit.
For a split second, Dodge felt the cool breeze, the open air, and he finally realized what his pegasus buddies had been enjoying their whole lives. The shower of glass surrounding his battered body and the stone walkway into the gardens three stories below told him that they could all very kindly go buck themselves with a park bench, thank you very much.
Far below, previously concerned with running from the pack of wild chimpanzees roaming the gardens, a red-maned unicorn with a pair of berries on her rump watched the first recorded flight of an Earth pony. Dodge waved sheepishly as he soared.
The jolt of telekinesis interrupted his flight path. He sighed audibly as the thousands of shards of glass rained down around him, peppering the chimpanzees underneath in a razor-sharp deluge. The unicorn escaped scot-free. Even as he began floating back towards the shattered window in the yellow magic field, he thanked the Goddesses that he wouldn’t have to die today. Well, not yet. He decided to hold onto his thanks until the rest of the afternoon panned out.
And as the leering, vacant, drooling visage of Princess Celestia greeted him through the broken pane, he felt that he’d made the right choice on that one.
Dodge almost missed the silhouette of the Draconequus sitting on the roof just above him, with another Earth pony sitting sidesaddle. The Doctor waved as Dodge was pulled in through the window.
“Help me,” the captain whispered.
“Call the police!” the Doctor shouted back helpfully. A scream of inarticulate rage was his only reply.
Gathering his bag of treats, the Doctor stood up and stretched his legs. He tossed the paper bag through the open doors of the box beside him and flashed Discord his best smile.
“He’s right, you know. Police are rubbish. Right! Time I get back to work. Very nice to meet you, Mister Discord. Pity I’ll be ending your fun within the next seventeen minutes, give or take thirty seconds.” Discord cackled, rolling backwards as the Doctor cantered into his box.
“Really? You’re going to stop me? A pony in a magic blue box? Let’s see you jump around causality leylines when you’re a lizard. Don’t worry, I’ll let you keep the tie.” Flaring his wings, the spirit took to the sky and snapped an eagle claw. The Doctor’s box erupted in a flare of white-hot magic-
-And stayed absolutely the same.
“What.” Discord snapped his talons again, and a layer of confetti and deflated balloons burst around the box. It, and the Doctor, remained untouched.
“Beautiful, isn’t she? Whipped up a brand-new Paradox Machine in the back just this morning. Old girl, always taking care of me. That’s why I call her sexy.” The Doctor rubbed the doorway of his Pony Box lovingly, ignoring the baffled glare from the Elder God just outside. The brown stallion brushed a small device that looked almost, but not completely, unlike a screwdriver out of his mane. The light at the tip of the device flashed with a high-pitched buzz and triggered something in the box’s control console, causing it to rise and rotate around Discord.
“...How!? How is a pony immune to my beautiful Chaos? What did you do!?” Discord’s air of mirth erupted into a corona of hatred, blistering off of him in waves of entropy. The Doctor paused his flight long enough to return Discord’s deathly glare.
“Three reasons, actually, but I’ve only got time for two. First, this is the TARDIS - the most incredible craft to reach any corner of your Universe. That’s Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. Write that down, there will be a short quiz later. Second, I am the Doctor. The Oncoming Storm. The Good Stallion who went to war and made the demons run. I’ve thrown entire planets out of orbit on a bad day and both erased and built whole system-spanning societies within the course of a single afternoon lunch. And you. Will. Not. Hurt these ponies.” The doors to the TARDIS slammed shut as the box faded out of existence, reappearing somewhere and somewhen else.
Discord’s howl of rage echoed for miles.
“Oh, alright, I lied,” the Doctor quipped as the TARDIS popped back into focus. “I do that quite often, actually. The third reason I’m immune to your Chaos is because my TARDIS is sexy. Did I say that already? I think I did. I’ll need to borrow your glasses for a bit, thank you.” He reached a hoof out of the open doors and swiped the 3-D glasses from Discord’s face.
“Your tie is wilted, by-th’-by.” The doors shut again; the TARDIS disappeared. For once, Discord had nothing to say.
-----
Who knew Princess Celestia kept chains handy in her bedroom? The captain squirmed feebly against the iron that shackled his four hooves to the bedposts in Celestia’s chambers. If he craned his neck just right, he could see her rummaging through her bureau in the corner, mumbling softly to herself and humming incessantly. He fought against his chains again, grunting in pain as the bands tore at his legs instead of the bed.
This was it. He, a fine stallion of the Guard, veteran of numerous campaigns all across the nation in his princesses’ names, was about to be raped.
“Ah! Here we are. Little Lulu’s been going through my drawers again, but I think I’ve found everything we’ll need. You just lay back and let your princess make everything better, Captain. You almost took a nasty fall. I need to give you a proper inspection before I declare you fit for duty once again.” The array of “instruments” the princess had laid out on the bedside table struck a low, terrible chord in Dodge’s gut. It looked less like she was getting ready for a tumble in the sack and more like she was preparing for one of the Nightguard’s blackout interrogation sessions.
He vaguely remembered seeing some of the tools she had in one of those sessions, as a matter of fact. The forceps and clamps in particular dredged up some painful memories.
All things considered, he’d still rather have been strapped in an interrogation chair.
“Now. Tell me where it hurts.”
“Please, no,” he almost whimpered. When was the last time a Guard captain had whimpered? He was setting all kinds of records today. Luna buck me in the moon’s darkest crater.
Celestia lit her horn with a flash of magic, levitating a heavy-duty sparkle battery from the pile of equipment she had fished out. A pair of clamps (used for jumping machinery, Dodge thought grimly) sparked and fizzed with magically-produced electricity.
“I think we’ll start with this,” she cooed as she tested the metal clamps against each other. They popped with a satisfying burst of smoke.
“What could y’ possibly need that for!?” Where fear had been, cold, dark terror now crept into Dodge’s chest. He’d be lucky to leave this bed alive, much less on all four hooves.
“Full. Body. Inspection.” The princess punctuated each word with a sharp snap of her tongue against her teeth. The battery floated danger-close to Dodge’s body.
“Thank you, Princess, for somehow makin’ that comment even more horrifyin’.”
“Oh, hush. Now hold still - what is that racket!?” She nearly dropped the sparkle battery in irritation as the spacious room filled with a groaning, screeching noise. Ignoring the antique lacquered table and half of a bookcase blocking its way, a cheery blue Pony Box faded into reality. The table and bookcase, unfortunately, didn’t survive. Out of the double-doors flopped a very happy, very drunk Doctor. A crumpled pair of cardboard 3-D glasses lay skewed across his smug, blushing face.
“Smoothest landing I’ve managed in years. I’ll have to thank Miss Berries for-urp-that wonderful tonic later. Awful stuff. Smooths everything out in my great, big, brown head. It’s terrible. Oh, hello!” He waved pitifully at Dodge and his captor from the gold-threaded carpet. Something deep in the TARDIS exploded in a belch of green flame as he crawled to his hooves.
“And that’ll be the liquid dragon-fire, I’d expect. Good thing I got a couple bottles. Speaking of which, Princess, I apologize in advance for stealing all of that...stuff...from your study. Is it in advance? Can’t be, I took it nearly four hundred years ago. That is, five minutes ago. I think. I’m a bit off right now. Must be the drink. On to business!” He stumbled across the room towards a large mahogany desk, lovingly crafted by a Griffin carpenter over two hundred years prior. The Doctor vomited in the first empty drawer he could find.
“That,” he added helpfully, “was not the business.” Taking a hoofful of scrolls stacked atop the desk, he tossed the entire heap through the open doors of the TARDIS before sauntering back to his craft. He whistled and clicked his tongue before winking drunkenly at Dodge. “You get her, you dog.” The captain winced.
“You’re not actually gonna leave me here, are y’Doc? Really? Really?”
“Oh, well, it’s a big, tall, towerish kind of room with half a dozen magical protection sigils around it, and you’re alone in bed with the single most powerful creature in Equestria. Safest place in the world right now, when you think about it. Got to go now. Allons-y!” At that, the doors closed as one and the box groaned as it almost lurched out of existence, mimicking the Doctor’s inebriated stumbling. Splintered bits of table and shreds of paper fell to the floor in its absence.
Celestia and Dodge stared at the spot where the TARDIS had sat before turning their eyes to each other.
Buck everything, the stallion thought bitterly.
-----
Luna’s parade continued past Discord’s fountain, and now Cherry was facing a new set of problems. And her partner was conspicuously not bucking helping. First he’d started hearing things. Okay, that’s fine, she thought. Today’s been a rough day for the big guy. No big deal.
And then she had noticed how horribly quiet everypony in the crowd suddenly was.
The parade marched along with herself and Dodge at the front, followed closely behind by the Royal Sisters. A crowd still lined either side of their formation, but for the past ten meters or so, not a single citizen had said anything. They were silent.
“Dodge...something weird’s happening. Get your head in the game.”
She’s right, Captain. You should quit listening to your imaginary friends and take a look around.
“SHUT UP, GHOST OF DISCORD!” The grey stallion blurted a stream of obscenities towards mythical creatures in general as the princesses behind him exchanged looks. Princess Luna whispered to him as they cantered down the street, growing more aware of the change in the crowd around them.
“Officer Charger...art thou -”
“I’m not crazy. You’re crazy. Especially you, Discord!”
Look at your partner for crazy, champ. She’s got daddy issues. It’s a plot device, Discord’s disembodied voice hissed playfully in Dodge’s head. A swift kick in the ankle marked Cherry’s rising agitation.
“Snap out of it, Charger! Look around you. What’s wrong with this picture? That’s a goddess-damned clue.” Cherry’s voice brought Dodge back to full attention, at least for the moment. Sure enough, every pony in the crowd stood stock-still, totally silent. The faint clopping of hooves several meters ahead marked the only noise in the entire street. Cherry waved a hoof and brought the procession to a halt as a young unicorn filly trotted from the crowd and into their path. She was too young to have her cutie mark, and her bright green mane flowed haphazardly over her eyes. Her hair parted long enough to let her gaze directly past the two policeponies and smile at the princesses behind them.
Dodge, as long as I’m in your head, I figure I should at least let you know that if you die, I’ll die as well. Again. Third time, actually. I’m trying to avoid that.
“Shut up,” Dodge growled as he tugged his sunglasses down to get a better look at the foal.
In the interest of both our lives, I’d suggest killing that filly immediately.
“Gee-bucking-whiz, y’don’t say. Any other random acts o’ mayhem y’ interested in today?”
Cherry’s hoof found its way to her partner’s shoulder as she leaned in to whisper. She kept one eye on the filly ahead of them as she tried her level best not to lace her words with venom.
“Dodge. You’ve finally snapped. That’s okay, it happens to every cop. We just stifle our tears and feelings and let them out as serial murders later. But right now, I need you here with me. This kid’s giving me the creeps. And the crowd’s not helping.” Mare and stallion both turned their heads to regard the child in front of them. Dodge took the initiative and stepped forward, kneeling down to talk to her.
“Hey, sweetie, what’s wrong? Here to see th’ princesses?” He smiled as wide as he could, ignoring the increasing volume of the Draconequus’ warnings and what sounded like alarm klaxons rattling around inside his skull.
The filly returned his smile and raised a tan hoof, pointing directly at Luna and Celestia. As her hoof dropped, Dodge and Cherry jumped at the dozens of pillars of green fire that lit the road around them as Changeling after Changeling stripped themselves of their disguises.
“Kill!” The filly squeaked innocently, her grin broadening in the afternoon sun. Ponies farther down the street began screaming and running from the growing wave of black carapaces and green flame. Drawing her baton in a telekinetic sheath, Cherry spread her hooves and spat at the nearest chitin-coated monster. Beside her, her partner flicked his patrol cap off and nudged the purple lenses higher up on his face.
“We are so thoroughly bucked.”