“COPYRIGHTED LYRICS! CEASE AND DESIST ALREADY IN ACTION!” I sung to myself as I walked through the damp caves. Without Spike to talk to (As he’s still asleep in my arms) [Okay no that sounded weird] it’s really boring in here.
I’m just looking for...
What should I name that bullsquid? Greg.
No, not actually.
See, I named the headcrab ‘Gonarch’ because it went off of ‘Gonads’ and she looked like she had a giant testicle.
Funny, Gordon. Good one.
But I wanted it to sound cooler than just gonads, though, so I added the ‘Arch’.
But what should I refer to the bullsquid as?
Tentacles..
Big..
How about I just call it ‘Kraken’ and move on with my life?
Yeah. Good choice, me.
“Wait, whats this?” I asked out loud, looking at a floor made of.. something.
When I get bored enough, I kinda start talking to myself. It’s not weird!
It’s weird.
Anyway.. this looks kind of like.. spiderwebs. I can see through it, it doesn’t seem to be a very safe surface to stand on. But the path ends here. There’s no split.
It’s cross this and hope it works, or.. die of starvation alone. I choose option 1.
I took two steps onto the mysterious substance before it broke, causing me to begin a free-fall. I started to yell in a panic, but stopped when I remembered that I had landing gears.
PSHEEWWW..
Okay, so, new area. Stalactites hung from the ceiling, weird little magic bubbles floated about, gear from Black Mesa was strewn around the room, and a large river was the center of it all.
To be honest, the river was beautiful. For an alien planet, this place sure can do beauty well.
But what caught my eye was a green symbol that someone had spray-painted on a wall. I set Spike down and walked over to it, inspecting the mysterious symbol. It’s.. an X. Like, X marks the spot, I guess. Is this important somehow?
Beep
Oh, is that C4? Interesting.
I think I know what I’m supposed to do here.
I followed the wires connected to the bombs, all the way back to a push lever.
“Did somebody say Boom?” I quoted, and pushed the lever down. I covered my ears, and waited out the inevitable explosion.
Beep
Beep
Beep beep beep!
BOOOOOMMM
I took my hands off my ears and held them in front of my face to block the shrapnel from hitting me, and slowly put them down as the dust cleared. I had blown a hole in the wall. Good.
I retrieved Spike’s dead-to-the-world body and continued on my way, only stopping once to scratch my nose on a crystal. After being zapped by it, I realized that I probably shouldn’t touch those things.
...
...
Off-topic thought, but does anybody actually eat mayonnaise?
Like, really. Does anybody eat it? It certainly isn’t worth eating.
My whole life, I never ate mayonnaise. My father always made sandwiches without it because he hated it. I guess it never grew on me, though, because I hate it too.
But.. how could anybody like mayonnaise? Seriously.
“Hey, Spike? Do you like mayonnaise?” I asked, shaking him slightly.
I looked down at him and waited for a reply. Anything.
Just give me something, man.
“N-no..” he whispered, but didn’t open is eyes. Holy shit! He’s alive!
I smiled slightly. Good to know he’s okay.
But also, Haha! Spike may not be awake, but my theory is correct! Mayonnaise is bad.
He had told me that dragons can eat pretty much anything, even if it tasted like shit. This means that mayonnaise is worse than shit. Take that, people who enjoy mayonnaise. Nasty.
No offense to anybody that enjoys mayonnaise. That was just a joke. I swear.
God, I need to stop talking to myself. This is becoming concerning. At first it was a coping mechanism, but now I do it when I’m bored. That cannot be good character development. I should probably go-
Argh, I’m doing it again!
“You’re an idiot.” Luna deadpanned. “That will never work. Not in a million years. I will never even RISK doing that!” She yelled, becoming quite angry.
“But, Auntie-“ Blueblood started, but was cut off.
“But nothing! We are NOT sending survivors through that portal.” She stated with finality.
“But Freeman is taking too long! What if he died? If we just send the peasants-“
Luna slapped Blueblood across the face, drawing the attention of everypony in the vicinity. He held his head with a hoof as he looked incredulously at his Aunt.
“You will not EVER.. refer to the survivors of a traumatic experience as.. peasants.”
Blueblood shivered at the sheer malice in her tone.
“I oughta send you to the moon, Blueblood.” Luna whispered and quickly turned around, storming off. “Faust knows you could USE IT!”
Blueblood’s ears lowered to his head, and he turned towards the spire door.
He sat in silence for a little bit, but then sighed.
“Maybe.. maybe it’s time I do something worth-while.”
He opened up the door, but was immediately sucked inside the portal due to its massive size. Increased size meant an increased gravitational pull.
Upon reaching the other side, he was mauled by headcrabs and died a painful death.
“What the fuck do I do?!” I yelled out, completely trapped in this room.
It can’t be a dead end. All of this is designed a certain way, and for a certain reason. Each animal makes its way through this place; this is their home. Why would this room just be a dead-end? Everything has been rather linear so far. I know how these things work. I need to solve some sort of puzzle.
But what do I do? What puzzle is there to solve?
“Man, when I get out of here, I am writing a walkthrough brochure. ‘Hey, come see Xen! You might die, but whatever. Here’s how to solve cave puzzle #22. Insert 2 coins for solution. Insert one coin for hint.” I joked, all the while running a hand through my hair because of my complete and utter confusion. And anger. And contempt.
Man, I hate puzzles.
“Okay, plan Z.” I muttered.
I pulled out my MP5 and-
Damn.. it. I don’t HAVE an MP5.
See, Plan Z consists of randomly firing at places, hoping that some sort of switch activates or a wall breaks or something. It’s worked in the past, but it’s usually ineffective and just a waste of ammo. Which is why it’s Plan Z. It’s never the first option, but if everything else has been tried-
RUMBLE....
BRRRZZZAAAPPP
ZAP-ZIPPP
PHWOOM
Who’s teleporting? What’s teleporting?
..nothing is appearing.
As I was thinking on this, the rumbling from the teleportation (At least I think that’s where it came from. Why did that happen, anyway?) caused a few rocks to fall from the ceiling.
The rocks struck a nearby fungus-type thing, and it began shooting out flames.
“OH SHit what the fuck!” I yelled, jumping away from it. I quickly pat out the flames on my suit, and stood still in shock at what had just happened.
These things.. shoot fire?
There are more of them, aren’t there?
I think I just figured out the puzzle.
I ran out into the next connected room and shot the fungus that was next to the string wall. I hadn’t been able to get past it before, but maybe the flames can- Yep. The entire eastern starboard was caught up in flames.
I stepped away slowly as I began to sweat from the intense heat.
When it was over, I smiled, as I was no longer trapped in the same damn room. Freedom never felt this good!
Well, the American Revolution was pretty good. Ah, no. They didn’t fight aliens.
Freedom has never felt this good!
I ran back, picked up Spike, and began crawling through cave #2463. I shot another fungus, but froze when I heard creaking.
And a slight rumbling.
As soon as the rumbling started, it ended. And before I could think of getting the hell out of dodge, the roof caved in.
Well, that’s what I thought happened. What actually happened was Kraken breaking through the dirt and stone to try and kill my ass. I dodged one of its tentacles as it tried to eat me whole, but nearly tripped on my own feet. I righted myself and began thinking.
“What to do, Freeman. What to do..” I asked myself, starting to panic slightly.
I thought of tossing Spike out of my arms so I could have better movement, but I realized that he would be killed if I did that.
He’s defenseless right now, and I need to protect him with my life.
Kraken, realizing it wasn’t getting anywhere, moved away from my position. Where it went? I don’t know. I think it burrowed back into the walls.
Damn worm.
I looked out of a hole in the wall and saw what looked like a big arena with a split down the middle. Two sides separated by a huge abyss. That would have been a good place to fight, but I don’t bet on Kraken letting me take him on over there.
I shot another fungus, and took notice of the Black Mesa pod at the end of the tunnel.
And upon seeing what was inside, I grinned.
I set Spike down, and wiped my brow. Jeez. Heavy guy.
Anyway..
I pulled out the RPG with excitement, and rubbed my hand across the side of it. Clean.. pristine.. those mean the same thing.. green.. oh, how I missed you, missile launcher. I made a show of hugging it and giving it a small kiss.
Not weird.
I grabbed the extra ammunition it came with, and ran out of the nearby opening.
A big place, this was. Very open. Crystals dotted many of the surfaces, whether they be yellow or blue. These annoying-ass wires were everywhere though, but I could ignore them.
As stated previously, a huge abyss separated two sides.
I sat on one side, while another side in front of me would have housed.. probably Gonarch. But she died. So maybe Kraken will-
“SKREEEEE!!!!” Kraken squealed as it burst out of the wall on the other side, and shot a giant glob of radiative mucus at me. I dodged quickly, and aimed my rocket launcher.
I shot it, and piloted the missile to be a direct hit at its tentacles. Upon contact, the missile exploded. She squealed, and burrowed back into the wall.
I reloaded the weapon, and waited.
“SKREEE!!!!” She squealed, and burst forth from another part of the wall.
CLUNK
PSHEWWWW
BOOOMM
“SKREEE!!”
She burrowed back into the wall, and I reloaded.
This process repeated two more times, until I noticed I was out of ammunition. I ran back to that pod, but it didn’t have any extra. Fuck!
I ran back to the fight, pulling out my glock. But as I attempted to do so, I tripped on one of those fucking wires.
I turned around angrily, but then realized that it went on for a while. What are these for?
I stood up slowly, and began to follow them. I turned into a cubby-like cave, and noticed that the wire led to an explosive push-lever.
Oh.
I pushed down on it, and some C4 beeped in the distance. They flashed green, and exploded a nearby wall.
So.. all that ammo was probably wasted, wasn’t it? Did I do any damage? Was it even necessary?
I shook my head. Whatever.
I wiped my eyes from dust and slowly walked out of the cubby. Bad move, as I was instantly splashed with a shit ton of radioactive mucus.
“Warning, hazardous chemical detected.”
Gee, thanks, suit!
Thankfully though, none hit my face. It did hit my suit however, which did both damage to me and took down some of the battery. Wonderful.
I groaned, and walked back to the pod where Spike sat.
Is he really still asleep?
“Spike.”
He is.
I sighed, and picked him up. I walked out of the cave and over to the new cave. AKA, the same damn cave. Just in a different spot.
I ended up on the other side, and shot two barnacles with my crossbow. Honestly, at this point, I’m apathetic towards the old aliens. Kraken is really only the one that could be a threat to me, and I have him under control pretty good.
SPLAT
More mucus, oh, AND the surface I was standing on broke. Cool. More string.
The landing gears engaged as I slammed into the floor. I turned towards the other wall, and noticed Kraken burrowing out from it again.
I pulled out my pistol and shot two bullets at its tentacles. It squealed and burrowed back in. Okay, not my problem for about.. 10 seconds.
Oh fuck. 10 seconds.
I ran as fast as I could towards the other end of this pathway, lucky that said pathway even existed. I totally could’ve died there.
I barely had time to admire the blue mushrooms though, because I was running for my life.
“Woah!”
I skidded to a halt as I almost ran off the edge of a cliff.
I took deep breaths, trying not to panic. Why am I panicking now? I was so calm and collected before.
Oh, it was probably because I scared myself with the 10 seconds thing. That’s cool. Real manly, Freeman.
I wiped my brow, and took notice of the platform on the other side of the pitfall. It was illuminated by a blue crystal.
I took a step back, ran, leaped, clenched my toes, and then tried in vain to land straight. Didn’t work out.
“Ouch!” I yelled out as I came into contact with the rough crystal. These things don’t make good landing pads.
“You okay?” I asked Spike. Still asleep. Cool.
I sighed, and began running up a steep hill. As I did, the cave slowly got smaller and smaller. I ran by a giant blue crystal, but slowly walked back when I felt that it was one of those ‘Energy for your armor’ crystals.
I waited until my armor was full, and went back on my way towards victory.
...
I stepped onto a bush as I looked around the arena-esque area. This one was actually pretty similar to the other one, but it was a lot less spacious.
I did spot those fungi, though, and that means some sort of puzzle is involved.
Don’t wanna do that. Again. I hate puzzles. Did I mention that I hate puzzles?
You know, I probably didn’t need to shoot ALL of them and cause a maze of fire, but what’s life without some adventure?
I stepped past the remnants of what used to be a wall of string, and admired the new area. There were these cool little purple butterflies that flew around, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t want one as a pet.
I ignored the urge, though, and walked around a rather big spire. I spotted some Black Mesa gear, but I also spotted the holy grail.
The love of my life.
A healing box.
I ran up to it excitedly and put Spike down next to it. I opened up his compartment and pulled out the input tube. I fiddled with it (accidentally dropping it. Smooth) and shoved it inside the hole, which opened up the keypad. I typed my ID in, and it recognized it. Soon, morphine.. or, healing juice began pumping into his bloodstream.
I stood up, and looked around. “Hopefully this work-“ I started, but was interrupted by something tackling me to the floor.
I’m getting rather tired of that.
I pushed back the zombie, and punched it in its stupid head. It squealed and clutched it, which gave me the chance to pull out the pistol and blast its head off. It fell off of my body with a quiet ‘whump’ and I stood back up.
“I’m the king of the world, man.” I whispered.
The healing was finished, so I unplugged the cord and shut the flap. I put the cord back in the suit pocket and slapped Spike’s head lightly.
No brain. Head empty.
...Until he woke up with a loud gasp.