The Virtues of Vice

by RoyalPonySisters


The Survey

Whenever the Sun Princess wanted to venture out among her subjects unnoticed, she put on a disguise. Not a physical disguise, of course. That would not be sufficient to camouflage her glorious visage. No, a magical one. Staring into her mirror, she focused her mind on the pony she wanted to be and let waves of magic pass over her, starting from the tip of her long horn to the bottom of her golden horseshoes. She could feel her tall body shrinking, becoming shorter, less slender and more stout. Her coat was darkening, her wings were disappearing, her cutie mark was changing. Her long, lustrous, flowing mane and tail were now a good deal less impressive, in their current incarnation as short light pink buns. Her hide was dark grey, and her cutie mark was a quill across parchment. She was a Unicorn, and a tall one at that, although it was hardly impressive compared to her true height. Celestia stared at herself in the mirror with satisfaction. “Welcome to Equestria,” she whispered, “Quick Quill”.

Quick Quill picked up a piece of parchment and a quill, and then magicked herself to a dumpster behind a Canterlot restaurant, scaring a few raccoons in the process. Luckily, no pony eyes had seen her make her entrance. Dusting herself off quickly, she strode out towards one of the outdoor tables, where she saw a group of Unicorn stallions laughing. There was a fair amount of cider at the table, so she suspected they would be more receptive to her query than most of the snobbish Canterlot elite. She stood in front of them, and announced herself loudly.

“Hello, I’m Quick Quill, one of the reporters for Equestria Daily News,” the concealed royal began. “I was wondering if you would be willing to answer a few questions for our survey?”

“For you, m’lady? Anything!” a white stallion answered.

He clearly isn’t sober, but I’ll use this to my advantage, Quick Quill thought. She flashed him a charming smile, “Oh, thank you, sir! I was wondering if you could tell me your thoughts on Princess Celestia? Do you approve of her rulership? Is there anything you think could be improved upon?”

“The Princess? Why, she’s amazing! The most perfect creature to ever walk on the ground, that’s for sure!” The stallion exclaimed forcefully.

“There’s nopony more wise and kind than her,” the second, blue stallion agreed.

“I see you two are big supporters of the Princess,” Quick Quill said. She winked. “But don’t worry, this survey is completely anonymous. So feel free to tell me any little thing you think she should be doing differently. I’m sure some smart-looking Unicorns like yourselves have some ideas,” she grinned, leaning towards them expectantly.

The third pony, who was purple, shook his head. “I don’t think anypony could do a better job then Princess Celestia. She’s led this country flawlessly for centuries.”

The blue stallion snorted. “Centuries? More than a millennium! And she’s still here, eternal, unchanging.”

“I can’t imagine living that long,” the white Unicorn said. “But somehow, the Princess does it, and she hasn’t aged a day. Beautiful throughout it all. She’s not like you and me.”

“I know the Princess is great, but come on, she’s just a pony,” Quick Quill interjected. “I mean, surely there is one thing you think she’s doing wrong in Equestria...?”

“Nope!” proclaimed the purple one. “There is nopony with her grace!”

“Or her generosity,” added the white one.

“Or as forgiving,” put in the blue one.

“There has to be SOMETHING you think the Princess is bad at,” Quick Quill said rather desperately. “Some flaw, some vice?”

“I have a question for you,” the purple stallion growled. “Why are you so interested in blaspheming the Princess? Do you have a problem with her?”

“No, no, of course not!” Quick Quill answered quickly. “I just think she’s not completely flawless.”

“How dare you!” thundered the second member of the table. By now, the conversation was starting to draw the attention of the other diners at the restaurant, which only functioned to egg on the drunk Unicorn. He pounded his hoof on the table. “Do you know who raised the sun and the moon for a thousand years? Do you know who created harmony in Equestria? Do you know who raised the sun today? PRINCESS CELESTIA!” he yelled. Some of the spectators cheered. Somepony started singing “By Her Glorious Mane” in the background.

“And I’ll tell you what!” screamed out the white stallion. “This mare over here-“ he pointed at Quick Quill- “is saying the Princess isn’t perfect!”

“How dare she!” somepony yelled.

“I say we stone her for sedition!” called out somepony else, and it dawned on Quick Quill that she was the center of attention of a very angry, very drunk mob. The survey was going to have to wait.

“I think I’m just going to leave now,” she said, slowly backing away towards- SPLAT! A juicy tomato landed on the mare’s muzzle. She looked up and blinked. Too late, she realized that there wasn’t only one pony holding foodstuffs with their hooves or horns.

“GET HER!” somepony screamed, and they began to pelt her. Panicking in the face of overripe vegetables, Quick Quill did what any skittish Alicorn does if she’s surrounded- take to the skies.

Miraculously, her wings had reappeared, and she was fifty feet above the crowd before she even knew what she was doing. To her horror, she realized that she was surrounded by a large group of Pegasi- larger than she even knew were living in the majority-Unicorn city of Canterlot. They too held vegetables, and screamed the same slogans at her, and she desperately tried to fly away.

“The Princess is flawless, and wise beyond comprehension!” one of them yelled, throwing a rotting zucchini.

“How dare you insult the most kind, gracious, and beautiful being in Equestria?” another accused her.

“BLASPHEMER!” two shouted. She managed to dodge the radishes.

“I’M NOT PERFECT!” she screamed, and she was flying, she was galloping, she was magicking herself, she didn’t know what she was doing, she was just trying to get away, she just had to leave, she just had to run a little further, just a little further, and then she would be safe....

She didn’t know how long she had been running, but she found herself at the edge of the city, by a pond she didn’t recognize. The exhausted Alicorn leaned over to drink and catch her breath. She caught sight of her reflection in the water, and it wasn’t the disheveled appearance of a pony who had just run from a mob. It was the regal visage of the Ruler of Equestria. She stared at it, at her long slender body, her magnificent wings, her flowing hair, until the image was ruined by ripples from falling droplets of salt water.