Next, I want you to go into your crush’s locker.
In the unlikely case you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, they do not count as your crush. You have never talked to your crush. You may have never even established eye contact with them. Your crush is oblivious to your attraction to them. You do not confess to your crush because even if you did, they would probably dismiss you.
They can comprehend the words you say, but they do not hear you. They do not see you. They do not feel you.
Remember, you do not exist.
Go to their locker. You will need to crack their combination. Spend at least 7 hours of a Sunday evening learning how to pick a combination lock on YouTube, instead of doing homework.
You spend 7 hours because the 7 hours mean something. These are the first 7 hours of your life that have actually meant something.
(If you cannot open the lock, even after 7 hours of YouTube, you may skip the rest of this task and add this to your list of failures.)
Once you have opened your crush’s locker, sift past their schoolbooks, pencil bag, and magical geode. If you see a strange vibrating book with the picture of a red and yellow sun on the cover, do not try to open it. It’s not a diary or anything. It’s not worth the trouble trying to pry it open.
Write your crush a love poem. It can be in prose as well. Even though you do not exist, sometimes the things you make do exist. For example, if you write down a list, counting up all the votes for the yearbook superlatives, and show it to your classmates, they will see the list. But they will not see you.
Without a doubt, people will look at the things you write down and hold up to their faces. But they will almost never seek the person behind them.
You must write the poem in less than five minutes, so write fast. You can write about anything except her magical powers, her biggest meanie status, and her breasts. You are too afraid to comment on her breasts. Even though they are beautiful. They aren’t flat like yours.
Take a picture of the poem and send it to me. Then stuff the note in a nice cranny in the back of the locker and shut the door quietly before your crush comes back.