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,~Mines5
Chapter 6
Nova and Valiant looked down at the two sleeping pegasi.
“Did they or didn’t they?” wondered the unicorn.
“Doesn’t matter,” retorted the earth pony. “It’s disgusting.”
“I could do a bioscan quickly with my equipment and find out.” Nova fiddled with the gadget on his hoof.
Valiant shook his head. “I’d rather not know. But from what I can see so far, I would say that they did.”
The two stallions had woken up early the day after the party and gone looking for the third former human. As Ponyville was tiny, it didn’t take long to track Guinness to a hotel room. What they found inside had almost sent Valiant into a vomiting fit.
“You look like you need a cure for a vomiting fit,” said the flaming-on-fire pony from Tartarus.
“Like hell,” muttered Valiant. “What I need is to get Celestia to send me back home.”
Nova sighed. “I suppose going back to my time and space is more important than probing ponies.”
“Huh?” muttered Guinness, waking up at that moment. He looked around, taking in the the orange earth pony, yellow unicorn, and fabulously burning demon who stood at the door, as well as the multicolored mare beside him.
Guinness’ eyes focused on the visitors. “Why are you guys in here?”
“We’re taking back your virginity,” said Valiant. “Come over here. I’ll get a knife.”
“Good, a firsthand look at pony reproductive anatomy,” said Nova eagerly.
“Ah! A show!” exclaimed the Hellpony.
“Do we even know what this guy’s name is?” asked Guinness, partially curious but mostly stalling for time.
“I suppose I should introduce myself,” said the burning pony, bowing. “Please call me Sir Winifred Condemnation Inferno.”
Valiant shook his head. “Too long. From now on, you’re Sir Win.”
“How come you get to name everyone?” demanded Guinness.
Valiant shrugged. “I have a big ego, and getting my way makes it bigger. Plus, I’m good at it.”
“I find it very strange how your honesty varies depending on the situation,” observed Nova.
“Only when it benefits me,” said Valiant.
Rainbow Dash shot up and looked at the other ponies crowding around their hotel bed. “Why are you in here?! Get out! Get out!”
“Fine, fine we’ll leave. Come on Guinness, we need to go speak with the Princess,” Valiant huffed.
“But.. I... I want to stay...” Guinness looked pleadingly at Valiant who stared blandly at the two pegasi.
“I suppose he can stay if he wants,” commented Nova. “He’ll only be throwing away his only chance to return to his own dimension.”
“Oooh! Sacrificing so much for the two of them to be together!” swooned Sir Win.
“Well... okay.” Guinness nodded and looked at the mare beside him. “I want to stay here with you, Dashie.”
There was silence for a few seconds. Valiant turned to the Hellpony, “I’ll take that cure for vomiting now.”
Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
Twilight was twitching again. She’d made the right choice to leave the infernal party behind, but now the mare was beginning to worry about what might become of Ponyville while she was gone. Who knew what those three stallions would do?
She pushed those thoughts out of her head as Princess Celestia came into the room. There was an annoyed look on her regal face.
“Is something wrong, Princess?” asked Twilight.
“I’m afraid we’ve lost the means to send our guests back to their own world,” said Celestia. “When the gates of Tartarus opened, many things were lost in the confusion.”
Seeing her student’s impending breakdown, the Princess quickly added, “But they can be found again.”
“What are we looking for?” asked Twilight, calming down.
Celestia thought for a moment. “The first item is a shiny metal cylinder with the words “Red Bull” on the outside.”
Twilight tilted her head in confusion as Celestia continued.
“The second item was a deplorably ugly stone that was in the possession of a cross-eyed pegasus until she lost it. The third item is a machine with enough power to bend the entire universe and time.” The princess fell silent and looked anxiously at her student.
“Is that it?” Twilight started to panic again. “That’s all the information you can give me?”
“Sadly yes,” Celestia nodded. “Guinness, Valiant, and Nova might know more.”
Twilight suffered a twitching fit hard enough to shake her entire body.
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“Now, don’t you feel better?” asked Sir Win.
“Not really,” groaned Valiant. “That stupid drink did keep me from throwing up, but I think it made me even more ill. Tell me what was in that. I want the truth.”
The burning pony grinned. “Your tummy can’t handle the truth.”
Valiant sighed. “Freaking Hell beverages.”
“I didn’t think it was too bad,” said Spike, shrugging. He glanced with concern at Sir Win standing near the library bookshelves, but his fiery mane and tail seemed to be ethereal. Also, how could such a fabulous guy even consider burning books?
Spike suddenly burped and a letter flew out of his mouth. “It’s from Twilight,” he said, opening it.
He stared open-mouthed at the paper for a good thirty seconds then handed it over to Valiant. The orange stallion took it and started to read.
Dear Valiant, Guinness, and Nova,
I hate you all
In a much different script, the letter continued.
This is Princess Celestia. I’ve left Twilight’s original salutation on the letter to show the situation she’s in. I have never said this to anypony before, but I think it would be best if you all left Equestria. As soon as possible.
Enclosed please find details concerning your departure. Unfortunately, it’s a rather do-it-yourself process. I hope you will complete it quickly.
In the envelope, there was a page explaining exactly what was needed. Valiant was not too concerned about the magical ugly rock that had acted as a conduit to transport him from Earth in a complicated scheme involving Derpy Hooves. Nor did the orange pony care what sort of machine could bend time and space. However, his eyebrows went up as he read that Guinness needed to locate a magical can of energy drink.
Valiant showed Nova the letter. The yellow unicorn looked angry. “I have a machine to bend time and space right here,” he said, brandishing the device strapped to his leg. “I just need a strong enough power source!”
The earth pony shrugged. “Good luck with that. Equestria doesn’t really know what electricity is. I’m going to go find featherbrains and tell him about the Red Bull. If he knows there is a way for him to go home, he might actually be inclined to leave.”
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“Hell no! I ain’t leavin’!” Guinness’ reaction was exactly what Valiant and Nova had anticipated. The pegasus had been found sitting in his hotel room. Rainbow Dash apparently was busy with other activities.
The blue pony continued. “Why would I go back to that hellhole when my life is wonderful here?”
“I take offense to you using ‘hellhole’ as a negative description,” Sir Win snapped at the pegasus.
“Why are you here?” Guinness raised his hooves with a desperate expression that screamed ‘why’.
“Wait outside, Sir Win,” Valiant motioned for the flaming pony to leave. “This is a ex-human conversation.”
“Very well.” The burning pony trotted out of the room.
“Guinness,” Valiant said. “If you don’t find that can, then bad guys will find it, go to earth, enslave humankind, and destroy its history! Do you want that?”
“Well, I don’t like the place, but I guess nobody deserves that.” Guinness thought for a moment. “Wait, what kind of bad guys?”
It was Valiant’s turn to look exasperated. “Does it matter? Trust me, if you stay around Equestria long enough all kinds of nasty things show their faces.”
Guinness thought for a moment. “Can I make sure the can is safe but still stay here?”
Valiant shrugged. “I guess. Just how did an Austrian energy drink get you to this dimension, anyway?”
“All I remember was that I was drinking some when I was transported here.” The pegasus suddenly grinned. “I guess Red Bull really does give you wings.”
Valiant facehoofed. Nova looked confused. Rainbow Dash, who had arrived moments before said, “Wait, what?”
“It’s complicated, go wait outside,” ordered Valiant.
“No, it’s not really,” said Guinness. He turned to the mare, looking into her eyes. “I’ve never met someo--- somepony like you, Dashie. I’d really like to be with you forever.”
The multi-colored pony nodded slowly. “About that...”
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Valiant smiled as the three stallions slowly walked to the train station to get a ride to Canterlot. Guinness grumbled to himself as he ambled next to the orange pony. Occasionally a sentence could be heard among the growling.
“God damn relationships...can’t find the perfect girl for me... gotta go find a stupid can... gerdermit I hate my life...”
“Told ya she was a bitch,” Valiant laughed.
“Shut up,” said Guinness. “She’s just afraid of commitment.”
“Once we see Celestia, we can finally get what we want,” said Nova, a note of excitement in his voice. “I’ll get my batteries charged.”
Guinness nodded. “I just need to go see the Princess so I can get started on my quest for the can.”
“She can pay me for services rendered,” said Valiant. “Building the robots.”
The blue pegasus looked at the others, a small smile coming to his lips. “We’re off to see the wizard...”
Valiant threatened him with a hoof. “You will not sing musical numbers all the way there.”
“Agreed,” added Nova.
The three of them spent the train ride in silence. At the Canterlot station, they were met by a few members of the Royal Guard. Guinness looked nervous being surrounded by armed stallions. Nova scoffed at their simple bladed weapons. Valiant focused on the leader of the soldiers.
“Hey Captain Shining Armor, how’s that marriage of yours going?” asked the orange pony.
“We have more important things to talk about,” said Shining tersely. “Come along, Princess Celestia wants to speak with you three.”
“It sounds as if your marriage isn’t very good at all,” observed Nova. “Tell me, why is that? I’d love to analyze psychological effects of relationship issues.”
“His marriage is a sham,” said Valiant. “The guy who did the honors wasn’t legally able.”
“That was you!” shouted the Captain.
“Everypony just calm down,” said Guinness. “Forgive and forget, right?”
“Did you just say ‘everypony’?” demanded Valiant.
“Do you have any idea what kind of hardship my wife and I have been through?” asked Shining.
“I thought she wasn’t technically your wife,” said Nova.
It probably would have turned into a brawl right there outside the station if it hadn’t been for a conveniently placed donut vendor on the corner. It was only the quick thinking of Joe, the owner of the shop, that saved Canterlot from a Tartarus-like rumble.
“I still hate you all,” mumbled Valiant through a mouthful of pastry a few minutes later.
“The feeling is mutual,” said Guinness.
Shining Armor swallowed a bite. “As soon as your business with the Princess is over, I’m dragging you to the courthouse to get my marriage license sorted out.”
Nova was too busy examining the donut in front of him to reply. He looked up as Joe approached the table.
“So who’s paying for all this?” asked the baker.
Shining Armor and his contingent of guards looked up to see three hastily abandoned seats at the other end of the table. Shining facehoofed.
“We still need to go to the castle,” reminded Valiant. He was running with the other two escapees.
“That’s the first place the guards will check!” admonished Guinness.
“I’m cool with Celestia,” the earth pony reassured him. “She’ll save us.”
“That’s a lot of faith to put in a magical dictator,” observed Nova.
Valiant thought about it. “But she owes us.”
With many of the guards out of the castle at the donut shop, it was not hard to walk in and get an audience with the Princess in the throne room.
“I don’t owe you anything,” said Celestia. “I thought that was what the letter I sent was for. Not to mention the party. Do you know how much fiendish property damage the government had to pay for?”
“Well, it was one Hell of a party,” said Guinness.
Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “I’ve given you everything you need to get home. We’re grateful for your services in defeating the hoards of Tartarus, but you most certainly have compensated for that by displaying deplorable behavior. If you really want to make us thankful, then leave.”
“Actually, I’ve decided to stay in Equestria,” said Guinness. “I met a mare that I think I have a future with.”
A high-pitched scream came from behind a nearby curtain. Twilight jumped out, eyes burning with frustration and anger. She looked like she was about to do something rash.
Nova, who still had the donut he’d taken from the bakery, threw it at her. The pastry met the mare’s spell head-on and exploded, showering the whole room with creme filling, far more than the donut had actually contained.
Guinness sprang into the air, wings beating to keep him out of the sticky flood. Valiant grabbed a shield off the wall and barely managed to surf the wave of sugary goop out of the throne room. Nova was not so lucky and got slimed with creme, tumbling head over heels out the door.
The three stallions managed to get out of the castle in the resulting confusion. The train station was not far away, and they were soon back on their way to Ponyville. The rest of the train passengers dutifully ignored the pony that was coated horn to hoof in donut residue.
Rainbow Dash was waiting when the train pulled into the station. She looked like there was a lot on her mind. She walked up to Guinness. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I still want to take things slow, but I do want to be with you. Do you want to talk about it?”
Guinness put on a pair of shades. “Sorry babe, I’ve got to go save Earth. We’ll talk about it when I get back. But I will not forget you,” He kissed her and took off into the sky. The multicolored mare stared after him, a look of longing on her face.
The moment was interrupted by a string of cursing from Nova. The tidal wave of creme filling had ruined the high-tech device strapped to his leg. “How am I supposed to cross time and space now?”
“Perhaps I can help,” said a brown pony with an hourglass for a cutie mark. He gestured to the large blue box behind him. “Need a lift?”
“Certainly,” said Nova, stepping inside as the other pony opened the door.
Valiant swore. “That bastard stole my sunglasses!” He ran off after the departing Guinness, not seeing the box and its two occupants vanish into thin air.
Meanwhile, in time and space:
“What an interesting vehicle,” said Nova.
“Yes it is,” said the other pony. “You can call me the Doctor, by the way.”
“Is this all yours? Do you know every detail?” asked the unicorn, looking around.
The brown pony laughed and tapped a hoof on the side of his head. “There’s quite a bit rattling around in my brain.”
“Ah, your brain,” said the mad scientist, stepping forward. “I’d like to take a closer look at it.”
A/N: to all that care to know, there will sequels for the Guiness, Nova, and Valiant. You only need be patient as it may take us some time to actually write them (I'll probably be the last). And this ends off this one, we all hoped you enjoyed this as much as we did, and we hope you'll read the sequels when they come out. & ,
~Mines5