I remember when I used to be the best assistant anypony could ask for. Though, I guess, that was why I failed so badly.
Maybe fail was too strong of a word. Nopony in their right mind would’ve called me a failure back then. I was Twilight’s… I mean, Princess Twilight’s royal advisor. In a way, I was second-in-command of the entire kingdom. If I wanted something done, all I had to do was ask Princess Twilight, and it’d be done. It didn’t matter if it was something for the good of Equestria, or something completely dumb. I once asked her if I could get a gem statue made of me in Canterlot. At first, Princess Twilight just rolled her eyes at me, which was no surprise. The second time I asked, she said no. But a few days later during my birthday, around six months into her rule, I was hanging out in Canterlot with Gabby, and there it was, the statue. It had a little card attached to it.
Happy Birthday, Spike.
With love, forever and always,
Twilight.
I ended up eating the statue a few days later. As happy as I was to have it, and as much as I appreciated the gift, the urge to eat it was just too much. Princess Twilight laughed it off, but I could tell she was sad. After living with her for so long, it was pretty much impossible for her to hide her true emotions from me.
Sometimes I wished she could learn to hide them. For my sake.
Anyway, onto the failure. So remember my crush on Rarity? Well… despite growing close with Gabby, despite growing up, and despite growing into royalty, my feelings for Rarity had never gone down. I wanted them to go away, so if somepony asked, I could claim that I was 'over' my silly crush. The same way I was 'over' my love of comics.
What a joke, getting over something. Feelings don't just go away. Most just learn to live with the pain--knowing that they'll never be good enough for the true mare of their dreams--and they call it maturity. I couldn’t do that. After helping to save Equestria countless times, I’d proven to myself that I could be brave. I’d proven to myself that it was always best to confront my fears head-on. And so when Gabby asked me to be her boyfriend, I did the brave thing and rejected her. I just couldn’t settle for anything less than what my heart truly yearned for, and so after consoling Gabby the best I could, I ran off to confront Rarity once and for all.
I admit that it was rather awkward how I did it. She was in downtown Canterlot, in the middle of a big event promoting her new brand of jackets for the upcoming winter. The area was packed with hundreds of fans, and there were countless reporters and members of the always snooty Canterlot elite. Using my wings, I flew over the crowd and landed right next to Rarity, so close that all I had to do was lean forward to kiss her.
Her eyes widened from surprise. Her expression was a mix of “I’m so glad to see you” and “Spike, please don’t do anything to mess this event up for me!” Looking her right in the eye and with my head held high, I let it all out.
“Rarity, I love you. I always have.” I made sure to say it as loudly and confidently as possible.
The crowd gasped, because of course they did. They then went silent, as did Rarity. No rejection. No burst of happiness and “I love you too, my Spikey-Wikey!” Just silence.
My heart was pounding against my chest, but I made sure to keep my brave face.
My bravery lasted until Rarity let out her answer. “Spike… No.” She had a frown, the most painful one I’d ever seen on her, and she struggled to keep eye contact with me. As the reporters took picture after picture of my humiliation, I froze, my head still held high and that stupid brave expression glued to my face. All sorts of questions ran through my head, more than I could count. Why was I not enough? What was I lacking that Rarity needed in a man? What was wrong with me that I needed to fix?
As years of successes and failures swirled through my thoughts in a manner of seconds, tears welling in my eyes, Fancypants entered from the crowd. He put his hoof around Rarity and said, “Dear, what seems to be the matter?”
That was when it all clicked. No matter how brave I became, no matter how good of a friend I was, none of it mattered. Because I wasn’t like him. High-class. Rich. Successful.
I had thought being a good friend was enough. That being kind, loyal, generous, honest, making her laugh, and believing in the magic of friendship was all I needed. But it wasn’t. In a way, I had Rarity to thank for making me realize this.
Before I could continue making a fool of myself any longer, I flew away from the scene. Knowing nowhere else to go, I went to the Royal Palace and locked myself in my room. It wasn’t long before Princess Twilight teleported inside and asked me what had happened. The look on her face was… different. Usually, she’d be showing empathy by having a slight frown of her own, and her voice would be full of worry and care. But this time, there was a pause before each of her steps, and she was shaking ever so slightly, like she was scared.
I don’t remember the exact state I was in that night. I made sure to repress those details long ago. All I do remember was that Princess Twilight tried to console me as best as she could, only for none of it to work. I remained quiet, lost in my thoughts, until she said, “You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You’re the best number-one assistant anypony could ask for.”
The comment snapped me from my thoughts and caused me to push her to the floor. It all began to click, why Rarity had rejected me, why deep down I’d always felt ashamed of myself. Despite officially being royalty, I was just an assistant. That’s what I’d always been, nothing more. A loser. I was nothing like Fancypants, and I realized that unless I changed who I was and the life I lived, I’d never be like him. I’d never be somepony a mare like Rarity would choose.
As Princess Twilight picked herself up from the floor, tears welling in her eyes, I flew out the window as fast as I could. As I soared into the sky, away from the palace, I did everything I could to fight the urge to look backward at the life I was leaving. But most of all, I resisted because I was too cowardly to see the tears flowing from Princess Twilight’s eyes.
Looking back on it now, I wish I had at least said goodbye.
…………………………………
My first night alone was the toughest. I knew I was never the most independent dragon, but after living under the care of Princess Twilight my whole life, being on my own was a shock to the system. At first, I thought about using my royal position to get a free hotel in the city, but then I remembered why I had left home in the first place, to become my own man. If I used my title of royal advisor, then I was still nothing more than Princess Twilight’s assistant. I had to start from scratch, to prove that I could become a dragon worthy of admiration through my own talent and grit. And so I slept on the ground in an alleyway, keeping myself warm through the snowfall by lighting some nearby trash on fire. I chose the alleyway that I did for one reason, gems. There were a few lying around on the ground. Perhaps it was my greed that made me want to sleep next to them, or maybe it was because they reminded me of Rarity.
I didn’t sleep much that night. Not because of the snow or the hard ground, but because of what I knew came next.
When I woke up, more tired than before I went to sleep, I set out to begin my mission. The first thing I did was take a walk through the most wealthy part of Canterlot, a neighborhood of mansions where Fancypants lived, so I could take in the sight of my competition. The Canterlot elite were everything I imagined them to be. They had mansions, luxury carriages, clothes designed by the greatest minds in fashion, the most expensive jewelry, private gardens, armies of servants, statues constructed in their honor, and so much more. But most appealing of all, the stallions all had marefriends so beautiful that I couldn’t stop staring at them. Some stallions even had multiple marefriends, each more radiant in their beauty than even Rarity. It was as if they wanted to make it known to everypony else that they could get any mare they desired, even multiple at once, while you were stuck with your one marefriend who you didn’t even like that much.
I stayed in the neighborhood until a security guard hired by one of the wealthy stallions caught me staring a little too long at his boss’ marefriend. I quickly flew away before I was confronted, but I left satisfied, as I now knew what to aim for. No longer was Rarity my goal. Instead, what I aimed for was abundance. Multiple mansions, multiple butlers, multiple statues, multiple carriages, multiple security guards, and multiple marefriends. There was only one problem, that I wasn’t good at anything.
As a dragon, I had no cutie mark, nor would I ever get one. I had no talent, no destiny, nothing that made me special. My friends… former friends... were lucky in that they each had a special talent to guide them. Rainbow Dash was gifted at flying, and so all she needed to do was get better at that to rise up in the world. Pinkie was talented at making others laugh and smile, and so naturally she went after that skill. And then there was Princess Twilight, who had Princess Celestia to guide her every step of the way. Dragons were meant to be gifted with their strength, size and toughness, but I was small, weak, and so cowardly that I’d waited years to tell Rarity the truth instead of the first day I’d met her.
With no path laid out for me to go after, the only thing I could do was everything. I had to find out what I was good at, fast. I went back to my alleyway home and used my flame breath to melt the gems there into a mask. I figured that Princess Twilight had already sent out a search party to find me, and news of my trek through the wealthy neighborhoods would no doubt reach her. I refused to see her or anypony else from my past until I was a dragon who was on the same level of success as Fancypants, and so I put on the mask, determined to keep it on until I was worthy enough to show my face again.
When I ventured back outside, I could immediately tell that no one recognized me. Typically, I’d always get at least a few hellos from ponies in the crowd, but this time, I got none. It seemed that what most ponies primarily recognized in me was my cute, baby face. With my face hidden, I was Spike no more, at least not the one others knew from the tales of my adventures alongside Princess Twilight.
Mask on, I went to the nearest shop that had a help wanted sign, where I asked for a job.
“You, uh, wanna explain the mask?” the shop owner said.
“I have a medical condition.”
“Poor dear. Follow me, I’ll explain the job.”
As I followed the shop owner, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. Faking an illness, it was the perfect excuse. Nopony with a heart could refuse a sickly person like myself a job.
Within a few hours, I was trained enough to do the job. The work was simple, since all I had to do was stock the storage room in the back of the store once every few hours. During the downtime, my boss allowed me to go out, and so I got another job. And during the downtime for that, I got another job. And when all those shifts ended, I got a night job.
Within a few weeks, I was rotating between twenty-two jobs, including being a barber, doctor’s assistant, bank teller, ice cream salesman, janitor, construction pony, and guitarist. All were part-time, of course. In exchange for having the time to do all my different roles, I made deals with my bosses to be paid less. I knew none of these jobs would give me the money needed to match Fancypants, and so money wasn’t what I was after just yet. Instead, what I was chasing for now was finding out what I was good at, what I would have had a cutie mark in if I were a pony.
But in the end, there was no denying the sad truth that I wasn’t good at anything.
No matter what job I did, ponies who had special talents relating to it always beat me. It didn’t matter how hard I tried or how much I studied the topic. Equestria was a land where special talents and destinies reigned supreme, and I had neither of those things. I was on my own, with no fate to guide me.
The only job I was able to hold my own in was one where I performed fire tricks under the name of Mr. Smokes. Being a dragon, the role came easy to me, but in the end I was still outperformed by a pony whose cutie mark was about fire tricks. Still, I wasn’t embarrassed that badly.
Frustrated, I quit all my jobs. Doing them wasn’t helping me figure out what I was good at, and the pay wouldn’t get me to Fancypants’ level unless I worked for a thousand years. I needed a way to make money independently of time, meaning I needed a business of some sort, but since I wasn’t good at anything, starting one would only get me embarrassed even harder.
Needing some time to focus my thoughts, I went to a local cafe to get some coffee. I’d been spending what little money I got from my jobs on coffee due to the cold alleyway being such a miserable place to sleep in. Many of the nearby walls in the area were covered with missing posters for me. “Please don’t miss me too much, Twi,” I said to myself while sipping on my coffee.
While drinking, I heard some commotion coming from the nearby bank, and then I heard screaming. Two earth pony robbers were running out of the bank, each carrying a bag of money. It didn’t take them long to beat up the cops chasing them. As the robbers ran away, the ponies in the surrounding crowds did nothing but stare and cry for someone to stop the bad guys. My first instinct was to be the hero they needed, but I decided against it, since my past acts of bravery had given me nothing other than the title of assistant.
However, the longer the crowds screamed for a hero, the stronger the urge to save the day became, and before the robbers could disappear into the distance, I flew after them. When I landed in front of them, they froze. “Stop,” I said. “I really don’t want to fight.”
They laughed, which was expected, and so I used my flame breath to create a ring of fire around them. The flames caused them to tremble, and their fear was only amplified when I walked through the flames and grabbed them. Perhaps it was the anger I had at myself for being so talentless, but I was ready to burn them.
“Stop, stop!” they screamed, but I didn’t let go of them. I hated them, not for being criminals, but for having the talent to at least be robbers.
The cops arrived seconds later, and I was forced to let them go. As the police took them away, the crowd began chanting and applauding for Mr. Smokes. Normally, I’d let the praise go to my head, but this time, all I could focus on were the stolen bags of money the robbers had dropped. There were so many bits and gems inside, enough to buy a mansion. Enough to buy a mansion and servants. Enough to have all that plus three marefriends.
“Thank the princess you’re on our side,” one of the cops said.
My heart began to race but in the best way. I knew what I needed to do, but could I really do that? Could I really become a criminal?
As the crowd continued cheering for me, I looked down at my claws. They were so sharp, enough to tear into even the strongest pony. I began to stroke my scales, feeling how rough they were. More than ever, it sank in that I was no pony, regardless of the fact that I was raised as one. I was a dragon in a world of ponies, playing the game of life as ponies did. This was why I was failing. If I wanted to succeed--if I wanted to show Rarity that she was a fool for rejecting me--I had to play the game by my own rules. I was never going to have a cutie mark or a special talent, and so I was never going to win by competing in the normal job market. Instead, I had the body of a dragon and all the abilities that it gave me, which was something no other criminal had.
I had found what I was good at, meaning that it was time for my next step.