Agent Tirek looked across the table at his counterpart as he poured some chamomile into a pair of flower-patterned teacups. Lord Tirek had, ironically, come through the portal dressed in a pair of factory-ripped and washed out jeans and a faded generic rock band shirt under a frayed leather jacket. His human form had turned out much less old and frail than he had been on the Equestrian side, making him look to be in his early to mid-sixties and leaving his outfit just on this side of ‘punk’ instead of the side of ‘homeless’.
He put the teapot away and placed a small porcelain bowl with honey and even smaller pitcher of milk on the table instead before pushing one of the cups towards the older man. “Well then, you have been informed of the basics of your punishment. Do you have any questions to begin with?”
Lord Tirek scoffed. “They told me they would give me a new name. I am Lord Tirek, and if you think I will play along with an indignity like that you can just turn me back to stone right now.”
Agent Tirek tilted his head lightly, pausing as if to think it over before shrugging and stirring half a spoon of honey into his cup. “That’s your prerogative, I suppose, but I think that out of the three of you you have the least to complain about in that regard. You’re old enough to pose as an uncle of me that I could have been named after, so ‘Tyrek’ seems like a fair compromise. You can even pronounce it like your old name and claim that it’s an accent from somewhere.” His lips twitched slightly. “Although if you want to avoid any indignities, I wouldn’t insist on calling yourself ‘Lord Tirek’. People will start asking what you are a lord of, and I doubt that you’d have an answer that wouldn’t get you some strange looks.”
Tyrek crossed his arms, glaring at his teacup. “I don’t see why you insist on this farce anyway. Your ploy to cozy up to the ponies seems to have worked, so just throw me in a dungeon and stop wasting my time.”
“Mmmh…” Tirek hummed taking a sip. “I’ve read through the files on your actions and personality, and I admit I’m… somewhat confused, as to what your goal was.”
“My goal?” Tyrek looked up at him, narrowing his eyes. “My goal was to have all the magic in Equestria, as is my right!”
“Yes yes, that was quite clear in the reports.” Tirek nodded and took another sip, ignoring the glare. “But having all the magic is like having all the money. It’s a means, not an end. If you don’t have any plans on what to do with it, they are essentially worthless.” He calmly looked at Tyrek, tilting his head slightly. “According to the Princess, once you had all the magic in Equestria, you did little more than throw it around and uproot a bunch of trees. If that was your whole endgame, that seems rather embarrassing. You could have just bought some toy blocks.”
Tyrek jumped up to slam his hand on the table. “Don’t presume that you know anything about my plans!”
“Well, as it stands I can’t do much more than presume since you didn’t show any hints of an actual plan, much less tell anyone about one.” Tirek stayed completely relaxed and placid, holding his own cup off the table and glancing down at the spill on the other cup’s saucer before looking back up to meet the other man’s eyes. “So by all means, do enlighten me.”
~~~~~
Agent Chrysalis tossed her sports bottle and towel onto the rough log-style bench in the corner of the small private gym and moved into a series of stretches, mostly ignoring the other woman trailing mulishly after her. “I don’t see what the problem is. You take on fake names all the time, don’t you?”
“At my own decision! They are temporary disguises, you numbskull!” The former changeling growled at her. “I am Queen Chrysalis! I am not going to abandon my name, and especially not at the order of some lesser version of myself!”
“Awww, don’t beat yourself up over it. A few weeks of exercise and you can be a bit ‘lesser’, too.” Chrysalis smirked and bent over backwards into a bridge, her already short sports crop top riding up a bit more to fully show off her sixpack. “Besides, you’re not much of a queen anymore anyway. So why cling to the rest of it and not start over completely.”
“I am the rightful Queen of the changelings, no matter what that usurper to the throne says!” The former, not-anymore, ex-queen stomped a foot. “And I certainly won’t take a name as plain as–”
“Aww, what’s the matter, Chryssie?” Chrysalis smirked more and flipped from the bridge into a handstand, raising her head to look at the other woman. “I think it fits your style quite well. Although if you prefer we could change it a little, probably… how does Chrystine Neverheart sound? You ever impersonated a journalist?”
“I don’t care for your worthless opinions.” Chrystine crossed her arms and glared down at where Chrysalis’ head was. “And I don’t care for these clothes either, even if they look somewhat acceptable.”
Chrysalis bit her lip, coughing lightly to hide a snicker. “Oh yes, they’re absolutely you.” She flipped back upright again, looking Chrystine over with a raised eyebrow. The former changeling was had come through the portal wearing a death metal style CHANGELING shirt under a black hoodie jacket, along with tight black pants with metal studs. Or as Chrysalis had decided to call it, the Hot Topic Special #3.
“I don’t like your tone.” Chrystine glared at her for a moment before looking around again. “And I don’t see why we had to come here of all places for this.”
“Honestly, we didn’t. But this world revolves around you even less than the other one and I wanted to get at least some exercise in today.” Chrysalis shrugged and stretched her arms and legs before bouncing over to a climbing structure and jumping onto it, jumping and rolling through a parkour routine. “I don’t know if you noticed but I don’t care much about what happens to you beyond what my boss tells me to care. Your motivations aren’t particularly ambiguous either, considering you’re supposed to be this master of deception. You wanted to take over the country and then got obsessed with revenge when the first attempt didn’t work out.” She shrugged while hanging upside down from a ledge. “Only thing I’m not so sure about is why you went with the whole invasion plan in the first place. Can’t have been for your people very much or you wouldn’t have gotten out of there and abandoned them the moment they turned on you.”
“They were traitors!” Chrystine screamed, moving in to growl right into Chrysalis’ face. “They were the ones who abandoned me! You have no idea what it’s like to constantly hunger, to feel the void consuming you from inside! I did everything for them!”
Chrysalis blinked, then swung around and flipped herself back up onto the structure. “I mean, yeah, I guess I gotta give you that one.”
~~~~~
“So what, you’re a nerd?”
Cozy Glow paused and looked back at the girl standing in the doorway, looking around the lab space. “If you mean that I’m capable of making and executing a plan without having it spoonfed to me, then yes, I suppose I am a ‘nerd’.”
The pony Cozy Glow scrunched up her nose, glaring back at her. “So what, you’re saying that you’re smarter than me?”
“Going by past accomplishments? Absolutely. At the very least I’m more competent than you.” Cozy moved over to a slightly rough and unpainted but polished wooden desk, bringing the computer screen back to life and turning on the printer. “I have opened a magical wormhole through space aimed specifically at an intergalactic trade ship to bolster all the resources I had at hand back in Hillbilly Nowhere, OR. You asked a criminal for a five-step plan to toss your most valuable resource down an interdimensional garbage chute. That’s why I was picked up as a child prodigy to put in my community service on an unpaid internship for the shadier side of the government while you were shipped off to join your questionably intelligent penpal in Tartarus. Here, this is yours.”
She ripped a newly printed birth certificate from the printer and held it out to the other girl. It showed the picture they’d taken earlier of the former filly, wearing the sparkly, girly and all-around overly saccharine doll top and skirt she’d come through the portal with as well as the little bow she’d already had in her hair. Below the picture was the name “Suzy Glow” followed by a bunch of data copied from Cozy’s own birth certificate.
“Suzy? What’s this supposed to be?!” Suzy Glow took it and waved it around angrily.
“Congratulations, you’re a twin now. Don’t worry about anyone questioning it, the chance that anyone else from my hometown ever moves more than five miles away from it is minimal.” Cozy rolled her eyes, already locking her computer again before turning back around to face Suzy. Unlike her twin, Cozy was wearing an entirely sensible pair of shorts combined with a regular shirt in soft baby blue, with gold sparkles spelling out the words “Golly Gee” in cursive on the front… and the words “Don’t #%&$ With Me” on the back.
“And what, you expect me to just go along with all that?” Suzy crossed her arms, glaring and pouting.
“Let me make this clear to you. The other two are a threat that we are going to keep contained one way or another. You? You’re a package deal.” Cozy raised an eyebrow. “You’re not a threat. You’re their errand girl. You followed a bunch of instructions to use a bunch of magical artifacts and a magical nexus to what I’ll generously call ‘your advantage’ and almost managed to take over a school for half an hour. Shimmer did that before you. Then you followed a different bunch of instructions to go on a treasure hunt and used a bunch of stolen magic to feel better about yourself for a bit before getting smacked down.” She moved closer, poking Suzy in the chest. “Point is, you haven’t accomplished anything that didn’t need a crapload of stolen magic or someone else spelling half the steps out for you. If you weren’t underage, we could drop you off in some random city and nobody would notice. Sure, you’re moderately good at manipulating people so you could maybe build up a small cult or a pyramid scheme… not particularly good but those are a dime a dozen in this country.”
She took a step back and put on her best innocent little angel smile, clapping her hands. “Golly, that sure was a lot of sisterly bonding for the first day. Why don’t we take a break and I show you around the lab so don’t break anything and don’t get any ideas about using something against me.”
She hummed and walked past Suzy without waiting for an answer, heading over to a workbench and picking up what looked like a futuristic toy gun with a split going through the barrel. “This is the Intelli-Ray. One of my newest inventions. It’s specifically designed to work with the properties of the Third Eye Diamond to make people more or less intelligent. The name kind of gives it away, I think.” She put the raygun down again, moving over to a number of empty cages. “You know, I had some test rodents here, I’m not quite sure what happened to those… oh well.”
She glanced back at the sound of empty clicking to see the gun aimed at her. “Of course the diamond in there is a cheap fake. The real Third Eye is back at Warehouse Eight for safekeeping. I’m not one of those stupid geniuses, you know.”
Suzy glared at her and dropped the gun, stomping onto it once for good measure. “What was the point of it anyway, then?!”
“Curiosity, mostly. A test to see if you are really as predictable as you look.” Cozy rolled her eyes and pushed Suzy back to pick up the broken casing, extracting the fake diamond and dumping the rest into the scrap bin. “What, did you think that would actually work?”
“You were pretty proud of all your stuff actually working a moment ago.” Suzy watched her with narrowed eyes. “What, was that just a trick, too?”
“All the actually dangerous stuff is locked away. That’s basic lab safety. Even Sparkle knows that most of the time.” Cozy snorted and frowned at the gun sticking out of the bin, grabbing a screwdriver and disassembling it into parts to make it fit better.
“Oh? What about this one then?”
“Look, that’s…” Cozy turned around, freezing as she noticed the small cartoon bomb Suzy was holding. “...something that rolled under the cabinet a few weeks ago and that you should really put down.”
“So much for lab safety, hmm? Maybe you’re not that smart after all.” Suzy smirked, bouncing the bomb up and down lightly.
“It’s a goddamn bomb, even you can’t be so stupid that you think setting that thing off in here is a good idea! Just put it down and stop bouncing it like that!”
“Oh come on, I’m not going to blow myself up. I just want to hear you say that you’re not all amazing either. Hmmm, or maybe admit that I’m the better Cozy Glow. Or let me–” Suzy hummed thoughtfully, causing her to fumble the catch and accidentally grab the bomb’s fuse. The fuse that turned out to be an artistically designed grenade pin, letting the rest of the bomb drop to the floor and the Cola, Mentos and Chemical X inside it mix freely.
Cozy showcased her own intellect, creativity and maturity by yelling out a few very mature choice words, ripping her necklace off and throwing it towards the desk, the coin glowing in the air just before the three ingredients in the bomb reacted very volatilely and expanded to claim the majority of the room, covering everything and everyone under a thick layer of purple goop… except for the computer desk sitting protected under a magic shield dome that fizzled out a few seconds later, the coin dropping to the floor.
Suzy blinked slowly, shrinking down a little as she looked around at the purple lab and the purple figure glaring at her from across the room. “Uhm… oops?”
~~~~~
“So to recap…” Tirek poured them both another cup of tea, despite the other cup still being mostly full. “You learned from another centaur how to steal magic from ponies, somewhat at least, which your parents didn’t much appreciate. So you dragged your brother off to the land of the ponies, which your brother didn’t much appreciate, and tried to steal all the ponies’ magic, which the ponies didn’t much appreciate. And since nobody was particularly in favor of your ambitions, your whole life goals basically came down to, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘show them, show them all, mwahahaha’. Did I get that all right?”
Tyrek glared at him silently.
“And the thought that if everyone says that your plans aren’t particularly appreciated, it might be time to change careers, didn’t register with you, I assume.”
Tyrek glared a little harder.
“Well, lucky for you,” Tirek set his cup down again, looking straight at his counterpart, “there’s a rather limited amount of pony magic around, none of the people you were hoping to show it all, mwahahaha, and quite a lot of things humans have invented that I wouldn’t recommend ingesting and that will probably be coming towards you if you try to go on another rampage over here. So I would suggest taking this as a chance for a fresh start and maybe think about some proper ambitions. They don’t have to be particularly high. Humans are experts of having relatively low ambitions in life, I’m sure you can find someone to teach you the art of happiness in mediocrity.”
“And if I don’t care for your offer?” Tyrek narrowed his eyes.
Tirek tilted his head for a moment, then leaned back and pushed out a long breath as he stared at the ceiling. “...honestly? I’m stumped. You’ve spent centuries alone in a cage in the middle of nowhere with nothing to entertain you. If you want to go back to that again in a human prison, there’s honestly not much we can do about that. I just figured that after all of that you might like to try something else rather than going back to eternal boredom.”
Tyrek scoffed. “And I suppose you’d know all about those low ambitions.”
“I suppose so, yeah.” Tirek shrugged. “Wasn’t too long ago that my only ambition was to be more on the Hulk side of history than the Abomination. Half of the challenge is to find something new to go on after you meet your old goals.” He looked Tyrek in the eyes again. “Nowadays, my ambition is a good cup of tea, keeping my partner safe and maybe this town as well as much as I can. Possibly teaching Chrysalis how to safely drive a car, but I try to stay realistic.”
“I don’t see how having inconsequential goals is in any way supposed to help me.” Tyrek snorted and crossed his arms, leaning back.
“It’s not really about how consequential your goals are. It’s about doing something that makes you happy.” Tirek set his empty cup down with a soft clink, staring off into the distance for a moment. “...carpentry.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’ve been trying carpentry. There’s no real reason or advantage to it. But it’s something to do that relaxes me, and something where I can see the results myself. There’s a few things around the house that I built.” Tirek leaned forward, folding his hands under his chin. “It also helps with the side effects, of… well. I don’t know how your magic works. But you seem to get less subtle and more aggressive the more magic you have, and your tunnel vision for revenge probably doesn’t help with that. Sometimes taking some time to relax or having something else to focus on can make all the difference.”
Tyrek stared at him silently for a moment before snorting out a breath and grabbing his cup, draining it in one pull and slamming it back down on his saucer, holding eye contact the entire time. “Don’t think that I’ll let you or anyone order me around. But if you think you can uncover some great secret to the meaning of my life, by all means, feel free to try.”
~~~~~
“Ugh… how much longer do I have to wait through this presentation? You’re very flexible, I’ve gotten the message. Everyone has gotten the message.” Chrystine whined and twisted around to flop across the bench, kicking the water bottle off the edge.
Chrysalis glanced over from where she was performing various kicks and punches on a sandbag hooked up to a zipline. “Put a towel–”
“On the bench, yes, there is a towel for Love’s sake. It’s like you think this block of wood is more important than the Queen of the changelings.” Chrystine raised an arm up high before turning the wrist to point at Chrysalis. “Don’t answer that.”
The agent grinned, flipping into a handstand for another kick. “Look at that, it’s almost like there was a personality all along under all the ‘I’m an evil vampire bug raaagh’.”
“I do not say raaagh. It’s simple self-preservation, as long as I talk I don’t have to listen to your incessant babbling.”
“If you say so. I bet you just don’t want to admit that you like me.”
“I don’t like you.”
“Of course you do. Everyone likes me.”
“Do they tell you that to make you stop talking? Does it work?”
“Only one way to find out~”
“I do not like you. I’m coming to despise you. I wish I was anywhere but here.”
“We all want to be at Disneyland Paris, but alas they don’t appreciate people crawling through the vents and leaving Dreamworks stickers on all the ceilings.”
“I… what?” Chrystine pushed herself up onto her elbows. “What does that even mean? Actually, don’t answer that, I don’t want to know what goes through that head of yours.” She slumped down again.
“Is that why you’re so bad at impersonating people? Because you’re bad at getting into their headspace?” Chrysalis looked down at her, crouched next to the chain at the top of the sandbag. “Because I hear you’re really bad at impersonating people.”
“Lies and slander!” The former changeling pushed herself up again to glare at her. “Just because I prefer not to act all lovey-dovey and saccharine when I have an excuse not to. It gives me reflux. Literally.”
“Huh, learn something new every day about creepy vampire bug horse physiology.” Chrysalis smirked. “So, does that mean you’re better at impersonating bad guys?”
Chrystine narrowed her eyes. “What is that supposed to mean? I have no idea where you’re going with that but I don’t think I like it.”
Chrysalis pushed herself off and jumped back down to the floor, walking over to her and changing course at the last second to pick up her water bottle and another towel. “Awww, come on. I’m just giving you a chance to reboot your career. You know, show them all that you’re actually more than just a pretty face over a horrible bug face with holes and fangs. What were those holes for anyway? Or the fangs, for that matter.”
“They’re for none of your business.” Chrystine glared at her.
“Aww, no more creepy vampire bug horse physiology fun facts? Fair enough, fair enough.” She held up her hands, backing away with a grin. “Come on, get up. If this place isn’t for you, maybe something else is more your style. I want to see what you make of the mission closet, see if that magic of yours translates to anything over here.”
“As long as I don’t have to watch you jump around like an Abyssinian again.” Chrystine stood up to follow, then froze as her stomach grumbled audibly, gritting her teeth.
“Yikes.” Chrysalis paused as well, looking back at her. “When was the last time you ate, anyway?”
Chrystine rolled her eyes. “Does it matter? I told you, eternal hunger is a part of me.” She scoffed. “Another one of those creepy vampire bug horse physiology fun facts for you. Just ignore it.”
Chrysalis grinned a bit wider, throwing an arm around her counterpart’s shoulder and dragging her along against all protests. “Oh really? Well, you’re not a creepy vampire bug horse anymore and I got your new favorite four words for you. ‘Hey Dagi, let’s bang!’ No wait, those are mine. Yours are ‘all you can eat’.”
~~~~~
“I am not doing that.” Suzy slowly backed away from the loudly humming contraption Cozy was holding, eyeing it. “Don’t even think about it.”
“Well, tough luck because I’m not asking and I’m always thinking. Now hold still.”
Suzy yelped as the nozzle of the machine snagged onto her skirt, then her legs, and then slowly pulled the rest of her through the comically small hose before depositing her in the main body. The machine jumped and rumbled for a few moments before the hatch at the back popped open and spit her out again, sending her tumbling across the floor in a sparkly clean heap. The girl groaned, then shivered softly and curled up. “Gah, that’s freezing!”
“Yeah, well, suck it up. I went through the same thing and all of this is your fault anyway. You’re not gonna die from a little cold.” Cozy rolled her eyes and turned back to running the nozzle across the last few patches of purple goop on the walls and ceiling.
Suzy glared at her, pointing towards the desk with the computer and printer. “Hey, you wouldn’t have had to go through it anyway if you hadn’t been so stupid to prioritize those machines over yourself.”
Cozy snorted. “I have backups of everything and the computer could’ve been cleaned. I didn’t want to risk staining the desk.”
“...seriously? That’s even more stupid. Why would you do that?” Suzy stared at her.
Cozy silently stared back, unimpressed.
“Fine. Whatever.” Suzy rolled her eyes. “So you’re dumb and weird, big deal.”
“Unlike you, I’m perfectly fine without outside approval.” Cozy snorted again, turning back to her work cleaning up the lab.
“Yeah, sure.” Suzy watched her silently for a moment. “What the hay is that thing, anyway?”
“Magical vacuum cleaner.” Cozy gave the machine a light pat. “Made on a small Greek island, can clean just about anything no matter the size.”
“Is it just you or is everything in your lab stupid in some way?”
“Magic is as magic does.” Cozy shrugged. “And magic happens to like puns. I don’t think you could make something like this anywhere outside Zpeis.” She sucked up the last of the goop and turned off the machine. “That’s part of what I do. Take a magic artifact or five and figure out how to use it more effectively, how to combine it and make it better or get more results. Not like Sparkle who has to build everything from scratch and hope it doesn’t blow up on her again.”
“So you get magic artifacts just dumped on you but when I try to use one I get a lifetime in prison. Sure, that’s fair.” Suzy huffed, crossing her arms and pouting.
“It depends on how you use them. People always say that I tried to pull a spaceship through a portal, but I meant it when I said I come from Hillbilly Nowhere. Someone in that town says they saw a UFO, they can get in line behind all the other rural rednecks.” Cozy shrugged again. “S.M.I.L.E. actually knows that. It’s why I didn’t get tossed in a cell or therapy or some other crap, but instead got to work off my hours for them and keep the job afterwards.”
She glanced over at Suzy again. “...look, I get it. I’m a megalomaniac. Like, certified and stuff. I love feeling better and smarter than others, I love having power and I don’t much care who gets in the way or what I have to do to get it.” She shrugged, gesturing lightly. “But that’s no reason to get sloppy. You start causing trouble and making enemies, that all comes right back to you. Revenge is nice and all but if you try to go too far it gets inefficient.” She smirked. “I mean, look at me. I had a whole lotta nothing to start with and now I have my own lab, a bunch of magic stuff to play with and I get to feel smarter than other people all the time. And all I had to do was not be an unreasonable dick about it.”
Suzy huffed. “So, what, I’m just supposed to make nice with everyone?”
“You already did that, remember?” Cozy rolled her eyes. “Were all nice and cute and then screwed them over behind their backs for a half-baked plan. I’m a precocious jerkface to most people but I do good and people notice that. Actions and words, you can say a lot of stuff as long as you do better. Or something like that. Just because I don’t care if I’m good or evil, doesn’t mean I can’t choose to be good. If it’s all the same to me, why not?”
“And that’s enough for you?” Suzy gestured around, slumping down against a wall. “Just tinker away a bit with some magic, then let them have it and start over again? Give up all the good stuff to be good?”
“More or less.” Cozy walked over to a wall panel by the door, tapping in a code. A moment later a section of the floor split and pulled away for a huge contraption to rise up in its place, looking a bit like a giant centrifuge surrounded by several glowing towers and satellite dishes. “But for the days it gets really bad, I also have this.”
Suzy frowned, feeling the hairs on her arm stand on end much like her fur used to during thunderstorms. “What’s that supposed to be?”
“I call it the Genie Engine.” Cozy posed proudly next to it. “It’s a giant mana collector and infusion machine that can give someone up to ten seconds of near-omnipotence per day. The centrifuge prevents the magic from reaching out at the same time it infuses you, so you can’t actually do anything. But it’s a lot of help just to have the option… you know, actually *be* as powerful as you always wanted to be, so you know that it’s not all for nothing. I dunno, maybe it’s just me.” She shrugged and stepped aside. “Either way, I guess I’m offering you a try to see if it helps or puts anything in perspective. Or maybe it won’t, considering you’ve probably already been through this whole thing with your whole villain scheme. I figure either way it can’t make things any worse.”