//------------------------------// // Twilight's Last Gleaming // Story: Mortal Kombat: Equestria // by Green Akers //------------------------------// After a morning of intense congressional testimony, followed by the obligatory four hours of interviews discussing the testimony with every three-letter television network on the planet, Princess Celestia was ready for a break, or at least a good laugh at somepony else's expense, and decided to pay an impromptu lunch visit to her fellow Mortal Kombat adviser Raiden. She made a quick cross-country shopping trip to assemble a proper gift basket for her arrival, then began flying high into the sky, beyond the clouds, past the stratosphere, and up into the heavens themselves before arriving at her destination: A large, drab-looking building that housed the corporate offices of the Elder Gods. "Sheesh," Celestia muttered, faking a smile as she waved to the security guards and made her way to the front entrance. "Do they have to paint everything white up here? I don't think adding a little color now and then would kill them..." Deciding that she wanted to spend as little time as possible amidst the building's too-sanitary decor, Celestia quickly made her way to the front desk, where she was promptly ignored by a receptionist sporting horn-rimmed glasses and a couldn't-care-less-if-she-tried expression on her face. "Good day, madam," Celestia greeted the woman, dropping her basket on the desk. "I'm here to see Raiden - is he in?" The receptionist glared back at the princess. "I'm gonna need more than that, honey," she replied in a thick New York accent. "We got 10,000 deities workin' here, and you expect me to remember all of 'em?" Celestia arched an eyebrow at the comment. "Seriously?" she asked, glancing at the computer on the woman's desk. "Can't you just look him up on that thing?" "Computer's down," the receptionist explained. "We gotta do everything manually around here." "I see," Celestia acknowledged, silently noting the deck of cards and half-finished game of Solitaire next to the computer. "Really, though, you have to know Raiden - he's, like, the only Elder God anypony ever talks about! You know - God of Thunder, stands about this tall, martial arts buff, cavorts with mortals, wears an oversized cymbal on his head?" "Oh, him!" the receptionist realized. "I'm afraid you're outta luck, honey - Cymbal Head ain't in today." "Oh, please!" Celestia shot back. "He just told you to say that so he could avoid getting the trolling he so rightfully deserves." "See for yourself," the receptionist offered, gesturing towards an elevator at the back of the room. "Well, where's his office?" Celestia inquired. The receptionist gave Celestia another death glare. "I don't even know the guy's name, and you expect me to remember where his office is?" she snapped. "Forget it," Celestia grumbled, heading for the elevator. "I'll find him myself." After collecting Sub-Zero's soul and calling in a cleanup crew to pick up the rest of the ninja, Shang Tsung made his way back to Shao Kahn's castle, where he found an urgent message waiting for him to meet with his Outworldian supervisor. Wasting no time, the sorcerer made his way to the Outworld emperor's personal chambers, where he found Shao Kahn in the middle of an intense negotiation. "I'm telling you, Pete, this offer is a real steal!" Shao Kahn shouted into a conference phone sitting on his desk. "He's got loads of experience, he makes the Zamboni obsolete, and his contract is salary-cap friendly! Seriously, you have no idea how little I'm paying this man!" "Um...what are you doing?" Shang Tsung inquired. Shao Kahn held up his hand and motioned for Shang Tsung to be quiet. "Pete, I gotta call you back - I'm late for another meeting. Just think about it, eh?" He punched the power button on his phone. "Ah, Shang Tsung!" he practically sang. "I'm glad you're back - there is something I must show you..." "What was that phone call all about?" Shang Tsung repeated. "Oh, nothing much," Shao Kahn claimed. "Just working the phones trying to get a deal done. Tell me, sorcerer...what do you think of trading Sub-Zero to the Boston Bruins for Brad Marchand?" "You cannot be serious," Shang Tsung replied in an unamused tone. "I wouldn't give you a bag of unwashed athletic supporters for that dimwit, and I can't imagine today's loss to a certain rainbow pony will help his trade value." "He lost, eh? Curses," Shao Kahn muttered. "I guess I'll have to throw what's left of Sektor into the deal as well. Maybe they can use him as an espresso machine..." Shang Tsung facepalmed. "Really?" he asked. "Why not?" Shao Kahn answered. "We've never conquered Earthrealm with them; I can't imagine we could do any worse without them." "You could say the same about any one of us," Shang Tsung countered. "You think Sub-Zero is the only person I've tried to trade?" Shao Kahn snapped. "I tried to dump you last year, but all Bowser would offer me was a Magikoopa and three of those accursed Goombas." "So this was what you wanted to see me about so urgently?" Shang Tsung grumbled. "Pithy trade rumors?" "No, no..." Shao Kahn stood up and motioned for Shang Tsung to follow him into the hallway. "I wanted to show you the latest addition to our tournament! He's working out in the castle gym right now..." "I know who he is," Shang Tsung interrupted. "Ah, but you've never seen him like this before!" Shao Kahn insisted. Shao Kahn led his subordinate sorcerer through a maze of hallways to the castle gym, where a variety of fighters were working over punching bags, smashing through cinder blocks, and even squaring off against each other. The Outworld emperor pointed to the corner of the gym at one of the fighters, who wore nothing but a black spandex bodysuit and matching mask. "That's him!" Shao Kahn exclaimed giddily. "That color suits him quite well, don't you think?" Shang Tsung scowled at the warrior. "He looks like one of those stupid G.I. Joes," he remarked. "True," Shao Kahn conceded. "Luckily, Snake-Eyes got knocked out in the last round, so there shouldn't be any confusion." He smiled evilly as the mysterious fighter climbed into a boxing ring, where four other combatants stood waiting for him. "Check this out," Kahn instructed his subordinate, pulling out a stopwatch as the four waiting fighters attacked their new opponent. "Five bucks says he clears the ring in under fifteen seconds." Shang Tsung rolled his eyes as the shadowy fighter unleashed a hail of fists and feet upon his attackers, sending them all flying across the gym and crashing into the far wall. The resulting clamor caused every other warrior in the room to stop and take notice of the stranger's power. Shao Kahn clicked a button on his watch as the last fighter hit the floor, then looked down at the recorded time. "Ten seconds flat," he announced. "Pretty impressive, isn't he?" "This tells me nothing I did not already know," Shang Tsung muttered. Shao Kahn gave the sorcerer a confused look. "Well, aren't we a Debby Downer today!" he observed. "What is your beef, sorcerer? Afraid that this new challenger will steal your thunder, or perhaps your lunch money?" "It is your thunder that you should be concerned about!" Shang Tsung snapped. "You know as well as I do that this...freak...could easily clean the clock of every living creature on this island - yours, mine, the ponies', everyone. And yet you insist on putting our entire plan in jeopardy by allowing him to circumvent the rules and enter the tournament!" Shao Kahn rolled his eyes in response. "Your poor, poor, fool," he lamented, throwing his arm around around Shang Tsung and guiding him out of the gym. "You don't give me any credit at all, do you? I am fully aware of our friend's exceptional power and potential, and already have a plan in place to take care of him." He patted the sorcerer on the head as the pair exited the gym. "Simply do your job the way the way you always do, and you'll have nothing to worry your ugly, shriveled-up little head about." "Forgive me if your words do not fill me with confidence," Shang Tsung replied sharply. Shao Kahn shrugged. "I suppose there's just no pleasing some people," he declared, pulling a cell phone from his pocket. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Shang, I have other important business to attend to." With that, the Outworld emperor punched a few buttons on his phone, pressed the device to his ear, and walked away, leaving an annoyed Shang Tsung in his wake. "Good day, commissioner! How are you?" the sorcerer heard his boss say as he rounded a corner and disappeared from view. "I'm wondering if I could get some contact information from you..." Shang Tsung glared in the direction that Shao Kahn had gone for a moment, then fished out his own phone and began dialing. "Rest assured, Kahn," he muttered ominously, "that you are not the only evil genius with a contingency plan around here." After twenty minutes of wandering through a maze of hallways and cubicles, Princess Celestia finally arrived at Raiden's office...or, at least, where the funny-looking deity standing by the water cooler holding a trident had told her Raiden's office was. Looking through the open door, however, the princess discovered that the office did not only not contain Raiden, it didn't contain anyone at all. While she saw some indentations in the carpeting indicating where a desk and chair had been before, the room was now completely empty save for a potted palm standing in the corner. "Well, this isn't helpful," Celestia said to herself. The sound of someone crying caught the princess's ear, and Celestia turned around to see a depressed angelic female cleaning out a desk just in front of Raiden's office. "Excuse me, madam," Celestia asked, "but do you know where Raiden's office is?" The angel wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "It's right...well, it was right here," she sniffled. "He resigned this morning." "WHAT?!?!" Celestia sputtered. "What do you mean, he resigned? How the heck do you resign from being an Elder God?" "It's a rather simple process, actually," the angel explained. "First, you need to fill out a EG-dash-422 Intent To Resign form and have it signed by your supervisor, and then you need to send a letter of resignation clearly stating your reasons for leaving to the Immortal Resources Department, and then you fill out an EG-dash-7211 Material Transfer form for each piece of furniture in your office, and then you go to IT, which is in the next building over..." "Okay, okay, I get it. Very simple," the princess deadpanned. "The real question is why? Did the dope have a mid-eternal-life crisis or something?" She shook her head and smiled. "I'll bet that last loss by Liu Kang pushed him over the edge, and he went and bought a new Mercedes convertible and ran off with his secretary," she chuckled. The angel gave Celestia a confused stare. "Um...I was his secretary," she informed the princess. Celestia stopped chuckling. "Oh, right - you're Francine, aren't you? I, uh...here, have a gift basket!" She used her magic to push the basket she had brought into Fran's hands, hoping to alleviate some of the awkwardness. "Thanks...I think," Fran replied. "Without Raiden here, the gods didn't need another secretary, so they told me to clean out my desk and leave. I know Raiden said that this was just temporary and he'd be back soon, but until then...I just don't know what I'm going to do." With that, Fran broke down completely and started bawling her eyes out. "Wait...Raiden said he'd be back?" Celestia scratched her head with her hoof. "Why would he leave just to come back?" "He...he told me he had some business to attend to," Fran sobbed. "Business that he couldn't attend to as an Elder God?" Celestia exclaimed. "That doesn't make any sense at all! What could Raiden possibly have to do that he couldn't do as an..." The answer hit Celestia like a ton of bricks. "He wouldn't!" she declared. "Wouldn't what?" Fran asked. Celestia pointed at the computer still sitting on Fran's desk. "Who's fighting in tonight's primetime battle?" she demanded. "Gosh, I don't know - let me check," Fran obliged, logging into the machine and navigating to Shao Kahn's website. "That's strange," she commented. "I've never heard of either of these people." "Let me guess," Celestia offered. "One of the fighters is a mystery warrior who entered the tournament after-the-fact via a special exemption from Shao Kahn himself." "Why, yes! That's exactly what the site says!" Fran confirmed. "How did you..." "Knowing Shao Kahn," Celestia continued, "the name of the other warrior is one of the following: Rarity, Applejack, Twilight..." "That's the one!" Fran interrupted. "Twilight Sparkle!" Celestia cursed under her breath. "I've got to go," she declared. "What's the fastest route from here to Kahn's island?" "Uh..." Fran drew a blank. "Never mind," Celestia decided, turning to leave. "Thanks anyway." Celestia made a mad dash back to the front entrance, cursing Raiden's name with every step. Upon reaching the front desk, however, she was flagged down by the previously-unhelpful receptionist. "Hey, horse lady!" the receptionist called out. "Your name wouldn't be Princess Celestia, would it?" "What's it to you?" the princess shouted back without breaking stride. "I got a message for you," the receptionist informed the princess. "They need you back home, pronto. Some kind of an attack goin' on at your place. Bunch of change-thingys, they said." "A changeling attack? Now?" Celestia came to a quick halt. This can't be a coincidence, she reasoned. "Look, I'm kind of in the middle of an emergency of my own, here," she said. "Where the heck is Luna, anyway? Can't she handle this?" "She's in the middle of a boss fight, accordin' to whoever called," the receptionist answered. "Argh!" the princess screamed in disgust. "I knew I should have never bought her that Xbox!" She shook her head and gritted her teeth. "Fine," she decided. "I will go back to Equestria, I will smite the changelings and their stupid queen Chrysalis, and so help me, I will banish Chrysalis, Luna, and Raiden to the moon until the polar ice caps melt!" The receptionist watched without expression as Celestia stormed off in a huff. "Some ponies just don't know how to handle stress," she muttered. Oblivious to the chaos back in Equestria, Twilight Sparkle spent the afternoon following Rainbow Dash's battle preparing for her primetime match against her mysterious challenger. The pony's pilgrimage back to the bulletin board (and subsequent grilling of Shing Tsung after waiting fifteen minutes for him to update the board) had not even turned up the true name of her opponent, so Twilight decided to prepare for battle the only way she knew how: by consulting with some of the greatest minds in history. "Er...Twilight?" Applejack gave her friend a concerned look as the purple mare paged through a large book she had picked up from the library inside Kahn's castle. "Are you sure readin' that there art book is gonna help you win tonight?" "Absolutely!" Twilight replied. "The Art of War is one of the seminal books on battle strategy. It's got lots of useful pointers!" She pointed at one of the lines on the page she was reading. "Listen to this," she said. "'The more you read and learn, the less your adversary will know.' How's that for brilliant insight?" "Oh, please," Rainbow Dash offered. "If that were true, anypony who fought Twilight wouldn't even remember their own name." "Whoa..." Pinkie gasped. "That's why they couldn't tell us the name of your opponent - not even your opponent knows it!" She looked down at the book in awe. "This guy's good," she declared. Rarity rolled her eyes. "If you ask me," she offered, "I think he said that just to sell more books." "Probably," Rainbow agreed. "Anyway, I'm with Applejack on this one, Twilight - what could this guy possibly tell you that you didn't already know? I mean, does his advice even apply to you? You're a souped-up magical egghead, and he's just some dumb general who's probably old enough to remember the eight-track tape." Pinkie stifled a giggle. "He didn't listen to eight tracks, silly!" she corrected the pegasus. "They listened to records back then!" Twilight could only facehoof at her friends' ignorance. "Look at this," she instructed, flipping to another page and pointing to one of the passages. "'The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought,'" she read aloud. "We don't know anything about the person I'm fighting tonight, so if I'm going to win, I'm going to have to be prepared, and consulting the great minds of history for advice is essential to that preparation. I need to have a plan for whatever scenario arises." "Aw, that's easy!" Pinkie insisted. "Just carry an extra cake with you! Cake makes everything better!" "And make sure you color-coordinate anything you're wearing," Rarity advised. "Normal ponies are only privately disgusted by clashing colors, but these uncivilized brutes might just fly into a rage." "Um...no, Rarity, I'm pretty sure you're the only one who gets mad at that kind of thing," Rainbow Dash asserted. "Well, of course it doesn't bother you," Rarity shot back. "With that mane of yours, you clash without wearing anything at all!" "Hey, what's wrong with my mane?" Rainbow Dash demanded. "Girls, stop it!" Twilight shouted. "Just let me read my flipping war book in peace, all right?" "All right, all right..." "Fine, whatever..." "We'll leave you be, if you want..." Twilight's friends honored her request, and scattered in all directions looking for other ways to pass the time. Twilight waited until her friends were all a suitable distance away, then turned back to a page in her book that worried her the most. "'If you do not know your enemies but do know yourself," she read to herself, "you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.'" With all the time she had spent on her friendship studies in Ponyville, she was confident she knew herself, but fighting against a complete stranger still put her in a precarious position. Twilight took a deep breath, turned to the next page, and hoped that this battle would be the one she won, not lost. The remainder of the afternoon zoomed past in the blink of an eye, and soon Twilight's hour of reckoning was at hand. As the ponies made their way to the battle site, the television crew began their coverage of the match with a peaceful shot of the sun sinking low on the horizon. "Another day comes to a close on Shao Kahn's island!" an announcer called from off-screen. "The winds are light, the clouds are thin, and the temperature is a crisp 68 degrees - perfect weather for an old-fashioned, no-holds-barred Mortal Kombat slobberknocker!" The scene switched to a headshot of the announcer, but instead of the smiling face of Joe Buck, the camera revealed a man with no glasses and a much thicker head of hair. "Good evening and welcome, everyone," the man continued. "I'm Kenny Albert, filling in for Joe tonight while he prepares to call tonight's World Series matchup, which will follow our coverage of this bout between Twilight Sparkle and a mysterious new entry into the tournament. I know that the pitchers won't be taking the mound for another hour or so, but as I bring in my partner Hulk Hogan, if people are looking to see a true ace, they won't be disappointed." "You hit the nail on the head, brother!" Hulk agreed enthusiastically. "Twinelit Spickle may be new to the battle scene, but she's taken on two of the early favorites and sent them both home will their tails between their legs! I tell you, Kenny, that girl may look like a pitiful pony, but she's a real animal in the ring!" "For the folks counting at home," Kenny revealed, "that's 117 MK championships worth of experience that Miss Sparkle has defeated in her previous fights with Goro and Liu Kang. However, it's a lack of experience she's going to have to overcome if she wants to win this match, as Shao Kahn has decided to throw a completely new fighter against her here in the third round." "It's a classic Kahn curveball, Kenny!" Hulk declared. "But when it comes to Mortal Kombat, you have to throw rules, fairness, and common decency out the window, because you never know where that next folding chair is going to come from! But if you ask me, brother, as good as Twinbill Sparky's been thus far, Mr. Mystery better be ready for a rumble!" As Hulk continued to find ways to mispronounce Twilight's name, the five ponies took their place along the edge of the battle ring. "So that's him, huh?" Applejack mused, staring across the arena at the warrior standing calmly in the ring. "He doesn't look that scary." "Neither does Twilight," Rainbow Dash pointed out, "until you forget to return one of her books on time." "Appearances can be deceiving," Twilight agreed. "Personally, though, I don't care if I'm fighting Starswirl the Bearded - we've got to save Spike, and Fluttershy, and the fillies, and the world, and we can't let anypony stop us." "You tell him, girlfriend!" Pinkie Pie shouted, as Twilight entered the battle ring. "Knock his block off! ...Unless she's a girl, in which case, knock her block off!" High above the crowd, Shang Tsung sat and pouted in Shao Kahn's private box. "Why on earth did you make this battle the primetime bout?" he complained to Kahn, who sat nearby. "The pony will be crushed so quickly that the network will demand a refund for having too short a battle." Shao Kahn couldn't help but smile. "Honestly, sorcerer," Kahn chided his subordinate, "I cannot fathom why you're selling the pony so short in this battle." He peered down at the crowd below him. "I, for one, think she has more than a fighting chance..." he chuckled. Meanwhile, the crowd milled around for several more minutes waiting for the battle to begin, despite the fact that both combatants were both present and ready. "What're we waitin' for, anyway?" Applejack wondered out loud. "Let's get this over with." Another minute passed with no action. "We seem to have encountered a logistical delay of some sort," Kenny informed the television audience. "Tournament officials tell us that the referee for tonight's battle has yet to arrive." "Well, they'd better get here soon, brother!" Hulk declared. "This crowd is amped up and restless, and if they don't get some action soon, the fight will start in the stands, ref or no ref!" "Wait! Hold on! I'm coming!" Finally, a man dressed in a stained, ill-fitting referee uniform pushed through his way through the crowd. "Sorry, everyone," the referee apologized. "My ship was late getting to the island." "Ugh!" Rarity recoiled at the referee's disheveled appearance. "What is he thinking, showing up at an important function dressed like that?" The referee assumed his position along the outside of the battle ring, then pulled a crumpled-up paper from his pocket and cleared his throat. "Your attention, please!" he read off the sheet. "This battle is about to begin! In this corner..." The referee's voice trailed off, and he leaned over to Shing Tsung, who had taken up a position beside him. "All I've got for a name is 'The Mysterious Stranger,'" he whispered to Shing. "I thought you said you were going to email me the guy's actual name when you got it." "Well, I assumed they were going to tell me the guy's actual name," Shing whispered back, "but they never did." The referee sighed. "In this corner," he repeated, "is a man so mysterious we don't even know his name, so please welcome...this guy!" "That's certainly a different name," Kenny commented. "Perhaps he's related to Guy Smiley?" "And in this corner..." The referee did a double-take upon seeing Twilight standing in the ring. "Wait...is the nameless guy actually fighting a horse?" he asked Shing. "Uh...yeah," Shing confirmed. "I mean, have you not been following the tourney? We were on the cover of TIME yesterday!" "Just checking," the referee replied, turning back to the crowd. "And in this corner, an intellectual combatant whose work on the magic of friendship has just been nominated for a Pwnie award...Twilight Sparkle!" Twilight indulged the cheering crowd with a small wave. "Combatants ready?" the referee read from his paper. "Absolutely!" Twilight confirmed, while her mysterious opponent nodded. "Very well then," the referee concluded. "Begin!" "You're supposed to say 'fight,'" Shing corrected the ref. "Whatever!" the ref shouted. "Just go already!" "Okay!" Twilight declared, as her horn began to glow. My plan didn't work so well last time, she reasoned, so I think I'll go with the fling-him-against-the-wall approach. As her opponent watched without expression (or movement), a magical aura the color of Twilight's horn suddenly surrounded his entire body. "Time to fly the friendly skies!" Twilight announced. She began to flick her head in the direction of the stone building nearby, but instead found her head stuck in place, and her opponent didn't move at all. "What in the world..." Twilight sputtered, trying the move again but discovering that neither her head nor the mysterious ninja would budge. "What's going on?" she complained. "Why can't I move this guy?" "It looks like Twilight will need some extra horsepower to take down this ninja!" Kenny proclaimed, drawing some boos from nearby fans for his pun. "He must have eaten a big lunch!" Hulk offered, rubbing his stomach. "I sampled some of the food here earlier, and it really sits heavy on the stomach, brother!" As Twilight continued to struggle, her opponent silently watched her for a few moments, then calmly raised his arms to the heavens and began chanting in a low voice. "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur adipisicing elit..." Suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, shining a beam of light down upon Twilight Sparkle. "Hey!" the unicorn objected. "I wasn't trying to cast that spell! And even if I were, it should be aimed at..." The light went on in Twilight's brain a split second too late. "Uh oh..." was all she managed to say. KABOOM! On cue, a huge bolt of lightning split the sky, striking Twilight with full force and once again sending dust and spectators flying in every direction. "EEYYAAHH!" Twilight and Rarity screamed in unison (albeit for very different reasons). "The mysterious fighter calls in a ferocious air strike!" Kenny narrated. "How will Twilight Sparkle survive this?" As the dust began to clear, Rarity leaped to her feet and began frantically brushing the dirt off of her coat. "This is outrageous!" she thundered. "If these brutes continue to sully our manes at every one of these battles, I am going to lodge a protest with the management!" "For cryin' out loud, Rarity," Applejack shot back, "stop worryin' about your mane! We got bigger problems!" "Yeah, like whether or not Twilight's still got all her teeth!" Rainbow Dash added. From his vantage point high above the battlefield, Shao Kahn shook his head in mock disapproval. "Tsk, tsk," he declared, "if we keep kicking up dust storms like this, we'll be hearing from the Environmental Protection Agency." Turning away from the action on the field, he stealthily pulled a walkie-talkie from his pocket. "Do it now," he whispered into the device. As the battlefield emerged from the dust cloud, it revealed that both Twilight and the nameless warrior remained in their respective positions. The difference, however, was that the warrior looked none the worse for wear, while Twilight just looked extra-crispy, with her coat singed, her eyes bugged out, and her hair standing straight up and pointing in all directions. "Oh no!" Applejack cried out, running into the circle and over to her friend. "Twilight! Are you okay?" she asked worriedly. "Speak to me!" Twilight eyes stopped spinning in their sockets for a moment, and she managed to focus them both on Applejack. "I'm okay, mommy!" she insisted. "I can still go to school today!" With that, Twilight's eyes turned into swirls, and she fainted onto the ground. Everyone turned in unison to watch the referee seal Twilight's fate, only to find that he had been thrown from his post by the force of the blast, and was now buried in a mound of sand, with only his ankles visible. "Oh, great," Shing muttered. "Anybody got an excavator we can borrow?" While a group of Shao Kahn's staff ninjas moved in to dig out the referee with spoons borrowed from the cafeteria, another staff ninja emerged from the crowd behind the mysterious fighter, carrying a metal folding chair. "Another combatant has entered the ring!" Kenny narrated. "It looks like he's going to perform a sneak attack on the victor!" The crowd let out a collective gasp as the ninja sneaked up behind the fighter, raised his weapon, and smashed the chair across the back of Twilight's opponent. The mystery warrior, however, was no more moved by the chair than by Twilight's magic, and did not seem to suffer any ill effects from the impact. After a brief pause, the fighter calmly turned to face the confused ninja. "It's not very nice to hit people with furniture," the warrior explained, uttering his first words of the evening. Shang Tsung looked over at Shao Kahn. "Really?" he inquired. "That was your big plan? Give the guy the WWE treatment while the ref wasn't looking?" The sorcerer stood up and headed for the door. "Ridiculous," he proclaimed. Shao Kahn ignored his sorcerer's tantrum. "Begin Plan B," he whispered into the walkie-talkie. "And do it with feeling this time." In response, the ground between the nameless combatant's feet began to quiver and sink, forming a small pit underneath the warrior. "Eh? What gives?" the warrior wondered, looking down at the ground just as a large orange head emerged from the bottom of the hole. "Wait, is that a..." The pit creature suddenly let out a threatening growl, then clamped onto one of the warrior's feet with its jaws and started pulling the fighter's leg into the pit. "Hey! Leggo! That's my foot, not a chew toy!" the warrior protested, dropping his ninja attacker and trying to pull himself out of the sand creature's grasp. "Another monster has joined the fight, and still no call from the referee!" Kenny narrated. "What will happen next?" "It's turning into a real free-for-all, brother!" Hulk answered joyously. "I've got half a mind to jump into the ring myself!" Despite the anonymous warrior's best attempts, the creature attached to his leg continued sinking into the ground, causing the warrior to lose his balance and fall to the ground. "Stupid dirt-muncher!" the warrior spat in disgust. As the mysterious warrior continued to struggle, Shao Kahn removed another strange-looking device from his pocket, aimed it at the sand-dwelling intruder, and pressed a button marked 'Scan and Identify.' "TRAPINCH: THE ANT PIT POKEMON," the device replied in a mechanical voice. "ITS NEST IS A SLOPED, BOWL-LIKE PIT IN THE DESERT. ONCE SOMETHING HAS FALLEN IN, THERE IS NO ESCAPE." The last line drew a chuckle from Shao Kahn. "Who knew all those breeder contacts Scorpion had would actually be useful?" he asked rhetorically. Back down on the ground, two more orange heads popped out of the sand, latched onto the fallen warrior's hands, and began dragging the attached limbs down into the dirt. "More of them?" the fighter gasped. "I thought Bob Barker always said to spay or neuter your stupid pets!" At that very moment, Shao Kahn's ninjas managed to unearth the referee. "Would you look at that," one ninja drawled, as the ref dumped the sand out of his hat. "That nameless guy's face down in the dirt. Must of knocked himself out with his own attack." "I'll be darned. You're right," another ninja commented, exchanging a wink with the previous speaker. "What a dope." The referee looked over at the grounded fighter, still trying to blink the sand from his eyes. "No doubt about it, he's down," he concluded, never even bothering to look over at the barbecued pony across the ring. "That means this match is over! The pony wins!" A confused gasp went up from the ground. "Wait...we won?" Rainbow Dash repeated, scratching her head with her hoof. "How does that work?" The "losing" fighter had much the same reaction. "WHAT?!" he screamed, his eyes nearly popping out of his skull. "What do you mean, the pony won? I'm still lucid over here, bozo!" Swept up in a rush of adrenaline, the warrior yanked his arms off of the ground, sending the attached animals sailing into the sky, then performed a quick backflip to give the creature on his leg the same treatment. "The stupid pony's been deep fried!" he yelled, gesturing towards the toppled Twilight. "Huh?" The referee looked over, cursing under his breath as he realized his error. "Oops...er, hold that thought, everyone!" he corrected himself. "The winner is actually..." Before the ref could finish, however, he was drowned out by a loud, evil laugh from high above the action. "Well, well, well!" Shao Kahn teased, peering down from his suite. "It appears that our humble referee has made a mistake! Perhaps we should review this decision...oh wait, we put the replay booth into next year's budget!" "You fixed this fight!" the warrior accused Shao Kahn. "The rules clearly state that the battle must be fought by the combatants alone, but I was clearly interfered with by your minions!" "Really?" Shao Kahn shrugged, unable to keep himself from grinning. "I certainly didn't see any rules broken, and even if something had happened, wouldn't our stripe-wearing friend here have said something?" "He was stuck in a sandpile!" the warrior objected. "That's the way the cookie crumbles, I'm afraid!" Shao Kahn giggled. "The result stands as called - you lose." "I protest!" the nameless warrior shouted, ripping off his mask and flinging it to the ground. "This match was a sham!" Another gasp went up from the crowd. "That's not a mysterious fighter!" Kenny shouted into his mic. "That's Raiden, the thunder god!" Raiden pointed an accusatory finger at Shao Kahn. "This is a blatant violation of the Mortal Kombat rules, Kahn!" he ranted. "When the Elder Gods hear of this..." Shao Kahn continued chuckling at the misfortune of his nemesis. "Don't be such a sore loser, Raiden," he chided his counterpart. "Besides, if you had actually bothered to read the contract you signed, Section 4,902 Part FF specifically stated that..." "It was in .001 font!" Raiden interjected. "I couldn't read it without my Elder God powers! I probably couldn't read it with my Elder God powers!" "Allow me to play you a tune on the world's smallest violin," Shao Kahn cackled, drawing an imaginary bow across an imaginary instrument. As the argument continued to escalate, Rainbow Dash quickly swooped over to where Twilight and Applejack remained in the ring. "Quick, load Twilight onto my back!" Rainbow directed. "We can't leave now," Applejack declared. "This guy's gettin' a bum deal! Much as I hate to say it..." "Can it, Honest Abby!" Rainbow interrupted, flipping Twilight onto her back herself. "We got the win - nothing else matters! Let's get out of here before that bonehead changes his mind!" "I agree," Rarity concurred. "After all, she who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day." "But...but..." Applejack stammered, torn between her friends and her sense of fairness. "Come on!" Rainbow snapped, as she and Rarity headed for the hills. "Pinkie, give us some cover!" "Aye aye, captain!" Pinkie saluted the pegasus, pulling out her trusty stereo. "Who's ready to shake what their momma gave 'em?" she shouted to the crowd, which cheered in approval and began flowing out onto the battle ring. Raiden's temper completely boiled over at the sight of the crowd ignoring an obvious miscarriage of justice in favor of getting their groove on. "Okay, that's it!" he declared, storming through the throng in the direction of Shao Kahn's box. "If you won't listen to my words, then maybe you'll listen to my fists!" Shao Kahn laughed one final time, then forced a scowl. "You're gonna die, fool!" he shouted in a thick-but-terrible New England accent. "I'm coming out of the booth!" Ducking out of sight, he again reached for his walkie-talkie. "Give the sorcerer a message for me, and make it quick..." he whispered. Raiden fought his way through the crowd and made his way to the stairs leading to Shao Kahn's suite, conveniently finding the Outworld emperor waiting for him to arrive. "Marquis of Queensbury rules?" Shao Kahn asked. "Oh, so now you want rules?" Raiden thundered, getting in Shao Kahn's grill. "I'm gonna knock you into the middle of next month!" he threatened, raising his fist to strike Shao Kahn smiled. "Have it your way," he agreed, reaching up and grabbing Raiden's fist before he could land a blow. On contact, Kahn's hand turned bright blue, and Raiden suddenly began to feel his power draining from his body. "What the...wait, you're not Kahn!" Raiden objected. "And you're the 62nd person who's said that to me as their last words." Shao Kahn appeared to speak the words, but the voice was that of Shang Tsung. "No soul for you!" "NOOOOOOOO!!!" Raiden shouted, as Shang Tsung unceremoniously took away the thunder god's soul. "Okay, you're about the thousandth person who's ended with that," Shang taunted, tossing Raiden's soulless form to the ground. "Ha ha!" the real Shao Kahn shouted, as he came bounding down the steps. "You see, sorcerer, this is why I like you!" he told Shang Tsung. "You make an excellent Pippen to my Jordan." Shang Tsung turned to face Shao Kahn, but did not return his smile. "Perhaps now you can get Bowser to throw in an extra Shy Guy or two in your 'deal,'" he grumbled. "Are you kidding?" Shao Kahn grinned. "A takedown like that is worth at least a Hammer Brother or two! Besides, I neglected to fill you in on the best part of my contract with Raiden..." "And that would be?" Shang Tsung inquired. "Well," Shao Kahn began, "as you know, letting someone into the tournament in the middle of the third round is a major no-no, but Raiden was just so desperate to get someone in here after our favorite little ponies crushed his warriors beneath their hooves..." "Get to the point," Shang Tsung snapped. "I agreed to let him into the tourney on one condition: he had to sacrifice his godlike powers, and they would be included in the winner's prize package!" Shao Kahn cackled. "The fool's confidence got the better of him, and he accepted my terms without hesitation!" Shao Kahn stopped to laugh a bit more at his good fortune. "Considering that both you and I have an automatic berth in the finals, sorcerer," he finally continued, "I found the offer quite attractive." "It certainly beats the Family Guy DVD set you gave the winner last time," Shang Tsung admitted. "Still, Raiden's confidence was not without merit - even without his powers, he could have easily defeated every fighter on this island." "But he didn't," Kahn pointed out. "The fool fell prey to a clueless official and a trio of Trapinch." "You were lucky, Kahn," Shang Tsung declared, "but mark my words: A man who continues to tempt fate as you have will eventually get bitten." Shao Kahn could only shake his head as Shang Tsung stomped back towards the castle. "It's so hard to find good help these days," he muttered to himself. After stewing in his room for an hour or so, Shang Tsung decided that he needed to clear the air with his employer, and made his way to Shao Kahn's inner sanctum deep within the castle. Upon arrival, he found the door open and the Outworld emperor sitting idly at his desk, and decided to let himself in. "Shao Kahn," he began, "I believe that I must apologize for my words earlier tonight. This tournament has been exceptionally stressful up to this point, and I should not have taken my anger out on you." Shao Kahn looked over at Shang Tsung, but did not reply, or even change expression. Behind the emperor, however, one of the wall panels began to tremble. "In hindsight," Shang Tsung continued, "your decision to bring Raiden into the tournament on such advantageous terms was a wise one. You always have a plan to take the guesswork out of such decisions, and I should have expected no less here." As Shang Tsung spoke, the quivering wall panel silently slid to the side, revealing a secret passageway behind it. Standing in the passageway was a frightening-looking man with pale white skin, piercing green eyes, a clean-shaven head, and a pair of swords strapped to his back. The man stepped quietly into the office and took up a position directly behind Shao Kahn, who did not seem to notice the man's presence. If Shang Tsung had any ideas about the mysterious man's motives, he did not reveal them to his boss. "However," the sorcerer observed, "I believe that there is one issue we haven't yet resolved. After all, adding Raiden at so late a stage throws off our entire bracket, and will make scheduling a logistical nightmare going forward..." The pale, bald man behind Shao Kahn brought his hands together, then slowly spread them apart, generating a green ball of energy between them. "I would like propose a simple solution: removing one of the existing fighters from the tournament," Shang Tsung concluded, unable to suppress a smile. "My suggestion...is you." Upon hearing the last word, the silent assassin behind Shao Kahn released his energy ball, which struck Kahn square in the back and caused the Outworld emperor to howl in pain and fall limply to the ground. Upon hitting the floor, however, Shao Kahn's form began to change, and the body before Shang Tsung suddenly morphed into that of a grotesque pony-like creature, sporting a dark-colored coat, flimsy insect-like wings, and limbs that resembled a block of Swiss cheese. "Huh?" Shang Tsung sputtered. "What...what is this madness?" "As you said, sorcerer...I always have a plan." Shang Tsung spun around just in time to take a folding chair across the kisser courtesy of the real Shao Kahn, and collapsed unconscious on the floor. The Outworld emperor chuckled as he looked upon the prone forms of Shang Tsung and the strange creature. "I must admit, Queen Chrysalis," he commented, "having an entire army of shapshifting lackeys comes in awfully handy." The pale "assassin" across the room began to change shape as well, transforming into Chrysalis's true form (which was essentially a larger version of the creature on the floor). "It does have its advantages," Chrysalis agreed. Shao Kahn turned and motioned a pair of his staff ninjas into the room. "Give this traitor a room next to his fellow conspirator Quan Chi in the dungeon," he ordered, "and tell that good-for-nothing Shing that he's been promoted to head soul-storer while his uncle is out on medical leave. As for you, Chrysalis, you may call your hordes back from Equestria - we have no need to distract Princess Celestia further." "Very well," Chrysalis agreed, scowling as the ninjas hauled Shang Tsung out of the room. "I certainly hope that our partnership does not end in the same manner," she commented. "So long as you do not test my patience, it won't," Shao Kahn explained, walking over to a map of the Earth hanging on the wall. "I have no need for a candy-colored fantasy land filled with sentient ponies," he proclaimed, stabbing the land mass marked 'Equestria' with his finger. "When I conquer this planet, you may take the throne of the pony sisters as your own...but be sure to keep that icky-sticky lovey-dovey stuff out of my evil empire!" Chrysalis licked her lips. "Now that," she replied, "is an order I can take."