After all I’ve done in getting this far. The pain I’ve suffered. The sacrifices I’ve made. All for nothing. Soon, I’ll be in chains once more and Cozy Glow will be ruling Earth with an iron hoof. I can’t help but feel partially responsible. If only I’d picked an earlier time for my date, instead of getting sucked through that damn portal created by that evil equine Annie-lookalike…
“Uh, Nigel?” Smoulder glanced at me with that arched eyebrow which was kind of her trademark now when dealing with my nonsense. “You’re doing that thing again where you're thinking stuff, but it’s actually coming out of your mouth. What ‘pain’? What ‘sacrifices’? I know your entire story now, and I don’t think your journey here was that difficult. Also, thanks to the Equestrian Convention On Prisoner Rights a few years ago, we no longer keep inmates in chains…”
“Hey, it’s my job to nitpick the smallest details. Either this is a trait of yours they never displayed in the show, or I’m being a bad influence on you.” I said, wondering if my presence here opened a whole new can of worms. Is Smoulder going to be different now in season nine, as a result of her bizarro interactions with me? How can that be possible, when the show-writers decide literally every move she makes in advance…?
“Whoa! I don’t exactly know what you mean, but nocreature ‘decides’ my life for me. Also, what are you talking about with ‘season nine’? As far as I’m aware, there are only four seasons. Gosh, the weather on Urth must be pretty weird if you have many.” Oops. I did it again, in the words of the immortal Britney Spears.
The depressing similarities don’t end there between me and the blonde teenybopper, either. Right now, both of us have virtually no control over our own lives whilst being forced to perform just to survive. I’m starting to feel ya, gurl…
“Look, while it’s kinda amusing hearing you telegraph every random passing thought, maybe it can wait ‘til after we evade capture?” Smoulder’s hissed reminder sent me crashing back down to earth (I wish) so naturally we went and hid in the most original place you can think of…
...Behind the desk, where Twilipants spent half of her cloistered life indoors: setting Friendship exams, marking Friendship exams and generally being a great big nerd. Genius.
Unfortunately, it was way too late to change our minds. I could just picture the door creaking, the mess we’d left behind in our thorough search being surveyed and whoever it was calling me to come out and get measured for a nice new set of hoofcuffs. Clawcuffs for my companion, of course.
Steps approaching rapidly. Chances of being discovered: imminent. Bowel status: About to open. Explosively. Hheellpp...
“Miss Twilight?”
“Yes dear, what is it?”
“Yona think she spot bad pony in bathroom, just before big lockdown. She want to tell Headmare straightaway, but stopped by Professor Pinkie. Professor seem much less jolly than usual.”
“My dear, Pinkie Pie is right to be worried, for as you know Cozy Glow is no ordinary threat. And you shouldn’t have escaped lockdown, because even though it might seem harsh it’s for your and everycreature’s own safety.”
“...Yona sorry.”
“But thank you for coming to me directly with this information. I shall instruct the guards immediately to redouble their efforts around that general area. Hopefully, we can find Smoulder nearby too.”
“Y-You’re welcome, Miss Twilight.”
“Don’t mention it. We both want to track Cozy down so things can return to normal as soon as possible. Oh, and Yona…?”
“Yes, Miss Twilight?”
“I can trust you to return to the classroom by yourself, can’t I? If you’re scared or need some company, I could always…”
“No, Miss Twilight. Yona brave yak. If she spot Cozy Glow on way back, she bellow like stampede. Wait till you hear how loud she can be!”
“O-Okay, just this once I’ll let you shout in the corridor, considering the gravity of the situation. Take care, won’t you?”
“I will. Good luck, Miss Twilight!”
“You too, Yona. You too.”
What... What was that? I mouthed those exact words to an equally mollified Smoulder, who could only shrug her shoulders in response.
Apparently, Twilight had decided to return to her office for some unknown reason, and just as she was about to catch us in the act of turning her perfect-organised working space upside-down…
...Along came a woolly saviour to pull our sorry butts out of the frying pan to nobly break-and-enter for another day. There wasn’t any sign of a fire within sight, either. Huzzah!
It just proves the ancient adage: Superheroes don’t always wear capes. Sometimes, they have horns, hooves and refer to themselves in the third yak.
Yes, I did say ‘yak’. Sorry Trixie, I wasn’t talking about you.
“I-Is okay for Yona to enter now?” A somewhat hesitant girlish voice could be heard from just behind the door. “She saw friend Smoulder with Cozy Glow getting along very nicely before lockdown, and she figured there be good reason for this. Smoulder smart and loyal dragon: she not just side with Cozy Glow unless something going on. Yona want to know, so save both from Headmare Twilight before discovery. Yona sad because she never tell lie before, but trust Smoulder to do right thing. Can Yona hear big secret, and maybe help out some?”
Well, this was unexpected. I turned back to Smoulder, and we nodded our heads in unison as to our next course of action.
It was the right thing to do, and besides if we said ‘no’ the resulting tantrum could shake the entire school down to its foundations.
I’d be caught for sure then, and liable for earthquake damages. I’m pretty sure this place didn’t have disaster insurance, either.
“Come in, Yona.” Smoulder elected to greet her first, as hearing me address her like an old friend would be just too strange in Cozy’s horseshoes.
After a few moments, the door swung all the way open and in stepped the not inconsiderable bulk of Yona. Sporting an apprehensive expression, she tentatively moved towards Smoulder’s gesturing claw behind the desk, whereas I tried to make myself look as un-Cozy as possible before making any presentation.
I don’t want to panic the poor girl, so maybe it’s best if I don’t even look straight at her. But wouldn’t that seem sort of suspicious? Also, if I try to smile I may just come across as creepy. At least, that’s what I thought of canon Cozy and her phony baloney saccharine grins. Huh, the irony. Yona’s probably terrified of me, yet she could crush this puny form under one of her giant hooves. Which is fine, once I'm out of here. Man, I can’t wait until I’m a man again…
Noticing my implicit unease, Smoulder looked down from her vantage point to gently tap me on the shoulder. “Hey, N.N. You good? If you like, I can do all the explaining to Yona, while you hang back here. If you think your sudden appearance is gonna cause any problems, I mean.”
“T-That might be for the best. Thanks, Smoulder.” I swallowed the gathering lump in my throat with relief.
Turns out this dragon is proving quite the asset. I knew I had impeccable taste in liking her on the show! I bet her brother she keeps mentioning is equally cool. I can’t wait to meet him!
Smoulder didn’t respond directly to my genuine gratitude, she simply acknowledged it with a wink before revealing all of herself to the approaching yak. “Yona, you and me have a lot to talk about. Let’s go over there to discuss things, shall we?”
“Sure, Smoulder! But where Cozy Glow now? And look! You rip nice new jacket. Headmare Twilight not be pleased.”
“Forget about them for now! You want to know what’s going on, don’t you?”
“Yes! Yona does. With all her heart!”
“Well, let’s take a seat over there. Afterwards, you can decide for yourself what you wanna do. We owe you that much, anyway.”
“Okay. Yona not usually like long stories, but she can tell this one gonna be good! Begin when ready.”
“Alright then. Well, let’s see. It all started when I was in the library cramming for the big test next week. Like most dragons, generosity isn’t exactly one of my strong points…”
I tuned out at that point, lost in my own thoughts about how this could go. Either she believes us, and this blockbuster buddy flick just got some much-needed comic relief, or the project will be canceled before it’s even had a chance to be shot. I hope you’re better at explaining complicated scenarios than I am, Smoulder…
That characteristic dose of optimism aside, I began dwelling once more on the loved ones I’d left behind to wander Equestria as a furry, feathery demonic brat.
When I return, things are gonna be different. I’ll lose some weight. Get a job. I might even clean under my bed! After all, some of those empty beer bottles have probably been around for centuries. But mostly, I’ll value the people in my life a lot more. Because if I’ve learned anything, it’s that you never know when you’re gonna be zapped to another dimension where TV shows are real. Oh, why couldn’t it have been something cool like Breaking Bad? Or Westworld. Even Orange Is The New Black. Imagine being stuck in jail with a bunch of sexy ladies desperate for the D. I mean, I’ve never actually watched it, but I assume that’s what it’s about… CRASH!
No, before you ask that deafening sound was not part of my fervent imagination.
But how I wish it was, reader.
Not really wanting to, but left with little other option, I shakingly lifted my tiny head above the desktop...