As daylight broke in through the window, a familiar smell caught my nose. Cinnamon and apples, nutmeg and sugar. Celestia must be cookin’ again. Ah sat up and rubbed at my eyes, but then got a load of my surroundin’s. Ah wasn’t in the castle.
This was my old house. This was the place we’d abandoned twelve years ago. This was… the only place Ah knew Ah wouldn’t run inta anypony. Fatigue settled into every fiber of my bein’, and Ah fell back on the mattress. At this point, why even get up? First my husband, then Uncle Blood decides that now is the best time ta… good fuckin’ Goddess, why me?
The tears start ta well up at the corner of my eyes, but again, that smell drifted over me. Warm, pleasant, sweet... then, alarm.
Am Ah not alone?
Sound followed the smell. A shiftin’ pan, the ‘fwoosh’ of burnin’ gas, the ‘plap’ of pastries bein’ flipped. Somepony else is here, and they’re cookin’ in the kitchen. Cookin’… pancakes. A smell Ah know better than anypony else.
Did… did Celestia come here? Ah groaned at the thought. Why would she follow me? Ah don’t want ta talk ta her or anypony else. Why can’t these ponies just leave me alone?
Irritated now, Ah stomped my way inta the kitchen. “Listen here, ya big ol’ bi—”
“Sugarcube, ya shouldn’t use words like that. What would Granny say if she heard ya?”
A voice Ah haven’t heard in sixteen years. A pony Ah hadn’t seen in sixteen years. A dead pony, cookin’ in a kitchen she has no right ta be in! Or, well, one she’d never been in. One she can’t be in!
Ma’s dead! This ain’t happenin’! Ah’m still asleep, and Luna is just bein’ fuckin’ cruel. Good fuckin’ Goddess, does it ever end? Ah can’t even catch my breath in some house that was supposed ta be abandoned. Why’s everypony gotta fuck me harder than Goose ever did?
The imposter turned her eyes on me. “Well? Ya gonna sit down, Sugarcube?”
Ah had ta swallow hard, fight the tears that were threatenin’ ta break free, and wipe my eyes. “Who are ya? Which one of you pega-corn fuckers is impersonatin’ Ma, huh? Because if this is a joke, Ah ain’t laughin’. Ya better wipe my fuckin’ memory after this dream, or whatever, ends; because if Ah remember, Ah’m gonna find ya, and you’ll see me really try ta kill ya.”
Ah stood there in silence, eyes locked with whoever this fake was. Green eyes, just like my brother and Ah, a red coat, freckles, two tone blonde and orange mane all done up in braids just like she used ta.
But, this wasn’t right. Or it was more right than Ah remember. Somethin’ about this mare was too correct. Did she always have that pendant? Ah know she did. The apple rose above the tree stump, carved in wood, painted and lacquered, plated with silver all along the edge. Pa made that.
Ah know this, but Ah hadn’t thought about that in… ever, really. When was the last time Ah saw it? Ah know… Ah know he kept it, but do we have it? Did we keep it? Ah don’t think we ever found it. How could Celestia or Luna know about it? We… we hardly even have pictures of them together, much less when she had her pendant on.
With a knowin’ smile on her face, she set her pancake aside and poured more batter in the pan. “Take a seat, Jaqueline, Ah’m almost done.”
Celestia knows my name. All the ponies at Harmony know my name. But, Celestia doesn’t say it like that. Nopony says it like that. Only one pony ever said it like that. I rubbed the tears away, blinked to make sure she was still there, and finally, Ah took a seat.
This isn’t happenin’. After all the shit Ah’ve been through, this must be a dream. Everythin’ like this is always a dream. Ah know it’s a dream. So, why does it feel so real?
Ma, or whoever this was, finished off the last of the batter and set ta makin’ the final pancake. She took diced apples in her hoof and sprinkled them across the top, then followed that up with a blend of cinnamon, sugar, and nutmeg... and somethin’ else.
Ah could smell it, heavy in the air, but, Ah just couldn’t place it. Did the pancakes Celestia made smell like this? It was always close, but not quite right when Ah’d use the recipe she wrote down. What is it?
She flipped it over and a few seconds later, she added it ta the stack. With the bowl empty, she put the whisk in it before placing them in the sink. Ma turned the stovetop off and picked up the plates.
Without a doubt, this was Rosie Apple. Her mannerisms, the way she moved, the fact that Ah could see her hips even though she was facin’ me. This was Ma. Not Celestia’s imitation. Everythin’ was right, not a single detail was outta place.
It just… can’t be.
She set a plate fer me, set a plate fer her, then started fillin’ ‘em with cakes. Once she finished, however, then she broke me. A bottle of syrup in her hoof, she turned it upside down above my plate. Lines formed shapes, and shapes turned to images. Three apples, one leaf, one stem. A pattern Ah hated. Ah pattern Ah’d slowly come to terms with. A pattern that branded me as who Ah am.
My head fell inta my hooves ta try and hide. “Why are ya doin’ this ta me? Haven’t Ah suffered enough already?”
Hooves stepped closer, brushed my mane, and then held me. The smell, the feelin’, her warmth. This wasn’t right, but it was correct, and not a lick of it made any sense. “My sweet little Jaqueline… Ah’m sorry.”
Ah took a deep, shudderin’ breath. “Why? What could ya possibly be sorry fer? Fer makin’ me feel like this? Fer showin’ up outta the blue? Ah don’t understand. Who are ya? Ya can’t be… ya can’t.”
“Ah am. Ya know Ah am, that much is clear. And, all of it, Sugarcube. Ah’m sorry Ah haven’t been around. Ah’m sorry ya’ve lost, and lost, and lost again. Ah’m sorry you’re stuck like ya are. Ah’m sorry ya’ve been carryin’ all this baggage all this time, and now ya’ve just got even more weight on yer shoulders.” She leaned her head down and kissed the top of mine. “It’s been hard, hasn’t it?”
Ah wrapped myself around her, buried myself in her chest, and Ah cried like any filly in her mother’s embrace. “It’s been so hard, Momma! So many ponies are dead. So many ponies Ah couldn’t save. So many ponies Ah killed! Ah’ve worked ta live, and lived ta work; and the one time Ah found myself happy, he… it all just fell apart!
“Uncle Blood ain’t who Ah thought he was. Pa died fer nothin’, and Ah… Ah don’t know why Ah’m fightin’ anymore, Momma. Ah don’t know that Ah can keep fightin’. Ah don’t… wanna fight anymore, Momma. What is it… what did Ah do ta deserve all this? Can ya tell me why the ponies Ah love… why they all… leave me behind? Why… you left me behind?”
Ah looked at her face, taken with equal parts sorrow and disappointment, but stone in her unwaverin’ smile. “Ah can’t speak fer everypony, Sugarcube; but at least in my case, Ah didn’t have a choice.”
Time never seemed ta pass, but it felt like hours and hours went by as Ah cried in my mother’s chest. At this point, Ah just didn’t care. Ah love my friends, Ah love my family, but nopony could ever be her. Never replaced, never forgotten: Ma.
When the tears were finally dry, she sat me up and told me ta eat. Even the taste was just like Ah remembered. Celestia sure did get damn close, though. There was a certain ‘stickiness’ ta these that Ah just couldn’t put my hoof on.
“Ma, what’s in these, exactly?”
She put a forehoof on her cheek and raised a brow. “Let’s see… flour, sugar, apples, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, molasses—”
Ah bumped the table with my hoof. “Molasses! Ah can’t believe Ah forgot! Ah…” how would she know that if she wasn’t really Ma?
Ah focused in on her eyes and she looked me right back. No malice, no hints of insincerity, no signs of bein’ somepony else. “Ya really are Rosie Apple, aren’t’cha?”
She let out a breath and rolled her eyes. “Stubborn as yer father. And yer grandmother, and the rest of yer family; fer that matter. Couldn’t convince Ma Ah wasn’t gonna make it, couldn’t convince Citrus Ah wasn’t gonna make it—” she clicked her tongue. “Do ya remember how many times Ah tried ta tell Ma ta get with the lawyers and fix the will? Ah know ya were little, and… well, Ah’m sure ya don’t remember that. Ah didn’t want ya ta see us fightin’ when Ah was gettin’ sick.”
Now it was my turn. Ah put my hooves on my temples. “How in the world are ya here, Ma? This… this is a dream, right? Ah’m not dead, am Ah? Is… is any of this real? Ah don’t understand.”
Her ears lowered and she shook her head. “Oh, Goddess, no! Ya’d better not be dead! Don’t ya dare die on me, ya hear? My heart can’t take that again. Y’all need ta be older and grayer than Ma was before ya come see us permanently. No, no…” she shivered, “absolutely not.”
Ma moved some of her mane out of her face. “Ah, uh… Ah don’t have exact answers fer ya, Jaqueline. There’s only so much Ah know about why this happens. Ah do know a few things that might clear this up, just a might.” She put her hooves together and set them lightly on the table. “First; this is a dream. Sort of. My, well…” She pursed her lips. “Ya know that it was the virus that killed me, don’t’cha?”
“That’s what we figured, but we were never really sure.” It was difficult ta adjust ta any of this. She’s been dead fer a decade and a half now, and Ah’m talkin’ with her.
“The virus, whether or not Bloom was in the picture, was gonna kill me. Ah, uh…” her hooves found one of her braids and started ta play with it. If Ah didn’t know any better, Ah’d say she was blushin’ under that red coat of hers. “Y-ya know how ya get around a stallion ya love, sometimes ya just see ‘em and ya c-can’t keep yer hooves ta yerself, ya know?”
This conversation has taken a turn. “Uh. Ah, uh. Mm-hmm.” Ah stammered.
She let out a breath. “So… some ponies have a resistance ta the virus, and others don’t, but a resistance ain’t an immunity. R-repeated exposure through um…” she coughed inta her hoof. “m-mucosal contact,” she coughed again. “eventually wore me down ta the point that Ah caught it.”
Oh. Oh. Oh, Goddess, why would she say that? Why would she tell me that!?
“Whatever it was doin’ ta me was eatin’ away at me inside, and by the time we’d figured out Ah had some kinda disease, yer sister was already a few months along. Ah knew right then and there that Ah was outta time, but Ah didn’t want ta take Bloom down with me, so Ah did everythin’ Ah could ta try and at least see her through. And that’s when… Ah started ta have dreams, like this.”
She shifted in her chair. “My Pa, yer Pappy, he died in the last war fightin’ fer Equestria. He was about as old as yer brother is now back then, and Ah hardly knew him. Ma would always show me pictures, tell me stories about ‘the mighty Spruce Wood,’ but Ah didn’t think about him much, he wasn’t in my life.
“Ah thought Ah woke up early one mornin’ back then, and Ah went out ta watch the sunrise with Citrus like Ah always did. However it wasn’t yer Pa in that old rockin’ chair, but yer Pappy. We talked, he asked me about Ma, about the orchard, what Ah’d done with my life. But when the sun was finally above the horizon, he said he had ta go, and Ah woke up in my bed. Ah didn’t understand it, but it kept happenin’ from then on. Ah’d see Apples from generations past, Ah’d see Pappy, Ah’d see ponies Ah knew that’d gone on and left us behind in my life and just… talk with ‘em.”
Ah let out a breath. “Ah… know very well that there’s some crazy shit in my life, but ain’t this just a little far? Do… do ya know somepony Ah can complain ta? Ah’d love it if things could just be normal fer once.”
Ma snorted. “Oh, she hears everythin’, Sugarcube, but uh… there’s a time and a place fer everythin’. Normal is somethin’ you’ll have ta get yerself, Ah’m afraid.”
There was a very, very small chance Ah could feel any more exhausted than Ah did at this particular moment. “Forget Ah asked.” Ah took another pancake off the stack and drizzled syrup over it. “So, if Ah’m readin’ this right, yer powers let ya talk ta dead ponies, right?”
“Eeyup.”
“And… you’re dead now, and Ah’m not, and yer talkin’ ta me… with those same powers?”
She nodded. “Mmhmm. Ah don’t get ta do this all that often, but on the rare case that somepony needs ta hear somethin’ and they knew me in their lives, Ah get the chance ta come back and talk fer a little while. Awful strict about that sunrise though, Ah always wish Ah had more time ta…” her eyes drifted toward the master bedroom. “ta catch up when Ah can.”
My brows furrowed. “You’ve done this before?”
A sigh left her lips. “Ah have. Ah’ve seen yer brother a few times, Ah’ve seen my little filly once, and Ah… even saw yer father before he came ta see me.” Her head tilted back and focused on a memory Ah couldn’t see. “He was dreamin’ about the past, though, and Ah didn’t want ta… it was the moment that Ah’d decided he was mine. Ah got so wrapped up in the nostalgia that Ah forgot what Ah was there ta say. The sun came up and only in the last moment could Ah tell him ta wake up. Yer uncle…”
Ah cringed. My hooves found my head and my mane all to itchy. “Ah know exactly what he…” Ah took a sharp breath. “Can we not talk about this? What time is it? Do ya have time ta be tellin’ me all this, or aren’t ya here ta tell me somethin’ Ah need ta hear?”
Focus back on me, she raised a brow. In a way, it was almost like lookin’ in a mirror. Considerin’ when she died, Ma was probably just a little older than Ah am right now. “Jaqueline Apple, do ya really think this is somethin’ ya can run away from?”
She called me by my full name! “Ma, that just ain’t fair…”
Ma tapped her hoof on the table. “Of all the ponies in the world, you should know that life ain’t fair by now.”
“Of course Ah know that! Everythin’s been taken away from me! You, Granny, Aunt Dew, Pa, G—" His name got stuck in my throat. “I-if Ah’d been stronger, if Ah’d tried ta—”
She reached across the table and took hold of my hoof. “Shh… Ah know, Sugarcube, Ah know.”
“If ya know, then what is it? Why come do this ta me now? Ah’m so tired, Ma.”
“Because, Jaqueline, ya can’t do this, right now.”
Ah rubbed at my nose. “What?”
Ma shook her head. “Life can be… so terribly cruel. We live in a broken world filled with broken ponies and broken hearts. We try ta fix ourselves by findin’ somepony with the missin’ pieces and stickin’ em together, but nopony has all the pieces we’re missin’, and nopony can ever fill all the holes or fix what’s broken.”
She held a hoof up. “However, just because we can’t fix it, that doesn’t mean we can’t ease the pain until it’s truly mended. Ah know you’re hurtin’. Ah know ya keep gettin’ hurt, and Ah know that it’s hard ta get back up again when ya feel so broken. But ya have ta.”
“Momma, Ah don’t know that Ah—”
“Ya can, Sugarcube, ya can. Ah know ya can. Yer Granny did it. Yer Pa did it. Yer brother and yer sister did it. And you did it. Ya just have ta do it again.”
She squeezed my hoof with hers and stared me down, right through my soul. “As much as Ah wish things were different, ya chose the life yer livin’ right now, and ya can’t just stop halfway. Yer life, Macintosh and Bloom’s lives, yer friend’s lives, the lives of ponies all across Equestria are stacked up on yer shoulders. It’s a heavy burden, and even though Ah wish, oh how Ah wish Ah could help ya carry it, Ah just can’t.
“But, ya’ve got friends and family all around ya, and not only are they all feelin’ the same sting of loss that ya are right now, but they’re willin’ ta help ya carry all this weight ya’ve got on ya, too. Without ya though, they can’t take up what ya leave behind. More ponies than ya know, more ponies than ya even realize, are all dependin’ on ya ta carry that weight.
“Ya have the right ta grieve; ta mourn the loss of yer husband. But, ya’ve taken on the cumbersome cape of yer father. Just like him, ya have ta stand up and be the hero Ah know ya are.”
Ma stood up, moved ta the kitchen window, and pulled the curtain aside. The sun was risin’. It’d only be minutes before it was all the way past the horizon.
“Right now, grief is a luxury ya’ve forsaken. Like yer Granny once said ta me after Pa died, ‘There’s work to be done. If the apples aren’t harvested, we don’t eat, and if we don’t eat, we leave other ponies behind ta pickup the pieces fer us; and that just ain’t fair.’ He…” she paused, then a smile crossed her face. “...Goose would have a hard time believin’ it if ya just gave up on the ponies that love ya, don’t’cha think?”
Ah bit inta my lip. Even… even after you’re gone, ya still won’t let me breathe, will ya? Never played fair from the day ya were born, Ah swear.
My hooves dug inta my mane and Ah let out a scream.
Ma flinched. “S-sugarcube?”
Ah slapped my cheeks and stood out of my chair. “Ah am not okay. Ah’m not gonna be okay fer a long, long time. But ya know what? Ah haven’t been okay fer a long time, either. Ah may never be okay! Shit gets thrown my way left and right, and even through all that, ponies have still stuck by me and chosen ta fight it with me all this time. And, just like before, they’re all waitin’ fer me ta come home. Even him…”
A smile Ah’ve missed more than anything else spread across Ma’s face. She pranced her way over and threw a hoof around my neck.
“Now that is the kinda grit Ah expect from my kids.” She kissed my cheek and stood ta face me with her hooves on my shoulders. Even fully grown, Ah’m still shorter than she is. “We can never right the wrongs of the past, Jaqueline, but we can make a brighter future.”
She took my hooves in hers and held ‘em out. “These hooves were made ta build. Ta protect. Ta shelter what can’t stand on its own, and let it grow.” She set her eyes on mine, determination burnin’ inside. “It’s time ta wake up. Get back out there and finish the job you’ve started.
“For the ponies that depend on ya ta build their worlds. For the ponies who depend on ya ta protect their lives. For the ponies… you’ll have ta watch over as they grow. Pick up that cape and carry that weight. Go prove that, though Ah couldn’t do it for long, Momma didn’t raise a quitter, alright?”
Ah fell inta the hug and held her tight. “Ah will, Momma, Ah will. Ah love ya. Ah missed ya so much.”
The golden sunrise started ta fill the kitchen with blindin’ light. Ah could feel her startin’ ta slip away, but just before she did, she whispered in my ear. “Ah missed ya too, Sugarcube. Tell Macintosh and Bloom Ah love ‘em alright? And one more thing…”
Ah woke up ta the faint smell of Ma’s pancakes in the air. A split in the curtain spilled light over my eyes and Ah couldn’t sleep any longer. The hazy memory of a dream told me ta look under the mattress. My body creaked and groaned with the aches of fatigue.
Ah lifted the mattress and saw what’d been taped ta the bottom of it. A little wooden box that had a date carved inta the top.
5-26-2002.
My birthday, eight years before Ah was born. Ah pulled it off the mattress and the tape just about crumbled when Ah did. Ah flipped the little metal latch and opened it.
Inside was the apple rose above the tree stump, carved in wood, painted and lacquered, plated with silver all along the edge.