A heavy weight rested on Anon’s chest. Not in a metaphorical context, an actual considerable weight was currently resting on Anon’s chest. This comes as a mild surprise to him. After all, his cat, Sabrina, made an infrequent habit of sleeping on top of him. However, unless she had gained a considerable amount of weight, this was mildly surprising and/or concerning. Anon was hesitant to open his eyes, as it meant having to acknowledge that he is a human being with responsibilities. Nevertheless, he peeked.
Pinkie Pie, a dear friend and equally loathed nuisance, had made herself at home on his pectoral muscles and abdomen, curled into a pink catlike ball. Snoring away with a care, completely sound asleep. This wasn’t the first time Pinkie has, for the lack of a better term, slept with Anon. Pinkie wasn’t even the first pony, again, for a lack of a better term. However, this was the first time Pinkie slept with him in his bed in his world. Anon concluded that she portaled her way over for seemingly no reason but to make his morning just that more annoying.
Welp, this is my life. He sighed hopelessly, trapped under the pony. Even a heartless bastard like himself didn’t want to wake her just to get up himself. Chances are she’ll wake up soon. Her original plan was probably to wake me up at the crack of dawn. Luckily she… Anon looked over to his alarm clock to see that the time was 5:32 am.
...Failed. Sighing harder, Anon looked around his dorm room. Barely illuminated by the light of lamp posts outside his window, he found nothing particularly new or of interest. Except for a heap of luggage that stacked themselves to his ceiling. It took about 12 seconds for the sight to set in.
“Ponkers, wake up.” Anon commanded dryly, prodding a finger in the pony’s plush cheek.
“5 more minutes…” Pinkie sleepily muttered, not the least bit bothered by Anon’s persistent poking.
“Young lady, you will wake up when I tell you to wake up!” Anon went from poking to shaking the pony, although not as hard as he would’ve like due to fatigue. Still, it did enough to rouse Pinkie from her slumber. She looked toward her bedmate, slowly blinking each eye independently.
“You sound like my dad.” She addressed the miffed human, followed by a yawn. Pinkie brushed her mane from her face, drawing Anon’s attention for the first time that it was straighter than normal. At the least, he’s talking to a calmer, albeit moodier Pie.
Anon grabbed Pinkie’s cheeks and swiveled her head towards the mountain of luggage. “Then could you be a dear and tell me what that is?”
“A mountain of luggage.” Pinkie said with a small smile.
“Smartass.”
“Okay. My mountain of luggage.”
Anon pinched his nose. “And why is your mountain of luggage sitting in my room? If you hadn’t noticed, you’re in my world now. My domain. The one place I can be away from you ponies and your perfect-adjacent life.”
Pinkie sat herself up, letting out another yawn and rubbing her eyes. As she did so, her hair started curling ever so slightly, like it was a living thing retreating into itself. When she next spoke, it was with a little more energy.
“I moved out of Sugarcube Corner.” She answered bluntly, as if it was nothing but a Tuesday for her.
“Haven’t you lived there for like, I dunno, 10 or some odd years?” Anon sat up, pressing his back against the headboard. “That seems like a very sudden change.” This prompted a laugh from Pinkie.
“Tell me about it.” Pinkie rubbed the back of her head. “Mr. and Mrs. Cake only just told me about a week ago. Unprompted too!”
Anon raised an eyebrow. “Wait, were you moved out or kicked out?”
Pinkie pressed a hoof to her chin, her tongue sticking out as she considered the question more seriously than she should.
“Is there a difference?” Pinkie asked genuinely. “Mrs. Cake said that with Pound and Pumpkin getting bigger and older, it was starting to get cramped in that little bakery. Also, she mentioned that I should start to think about being “independent” or whatever that means. Either way, she helped me gather my stuff and sent me on my way!”
Okay, so kicked it is. Anon thought to himself. “Wait, why couldn’t you just live down in the Party Cave?”
“The Party Cave is still a cave, silly Nonny!” Pinkie teased, booping Anon on the nose. “It’s too cold, dark, and damp!”
“Then why keep your supplies in-“ Anon drew his breath and stopped himself. Wrong Question, Avon. “Fine. Then couldn’t you have roomed with your other friends? You know, the ones that live in the same dimension as you?”
“I tried!” Pinkie whined. “First, I went to live with Twilight and Starlight in the Friendship Castle but I, to quote, ‘could be heard from every room available in the castle’. I also might’ve made a habit of throwing parties during Twilight’s reading time.”
“Every room…?” Anon muttered in disbelief.
“Then I roomied with Rainbow Dash.” Pinkie continued. “After recovering from the concussion, I went to Sweet Apple Acres. Things were nice there, but it felt too much like my old home. That, and I had to do chores.”
“The curse of living with family.”
“So then I tried convincing Rarity but she said that having one hyperactive, messy, singing filly was enough. Which is weird because I’m not a filly, I’m a mare!”
“Did you try Fluttershy?” Anon asked, attempting to find an alternative. Pinkie responded with a raised eyebrow of her own and an unamused expression.
“I may be silly, but I’m not stupid. Even I know me and Fluttershy wouldn’t make great roommates.”
“Fair enough, shit.” Anon grumbled. “Still, I don’t see why you couldn’t just find a place to stay in Ponyville. Hell, I did it and I was an alien!”
“But I don’t wanna be a squatter like you, Nonny!” Pinkie gave an earnest smile as she said that, which couldn’t clash worse with the sinking feeling in Anon’s stomach.
“Harsh…”
“And I don’t have the bits to buy a home.” Pinkie continued once more. “All I could ever buy were sweets and party supplies.”
“Wait, so you spent the money you made at Sugarcube Corner at Sugarcube Corner?”
“Yes!”
“What about the money you made planning parties?”
“Nonny!” Pinkie gasped, as though Anon had slandered her family name. “I would never charge for a party! A party is a gift meant to be given to celebrate the ones we love, not extort them for the sake of making a profit! Shame on you!” Pinkie lightly booped Anon on the nose again. “But if I did, yeah, I’d spend it at Sugarcube Corner.”
“Mrs. Cake was right, you do need to learn independence. Specifically, financial.”
Pinkie’s hair deflates again, straightening out as she lays on top of Anon’s lap, in a dramatic pose that would make Rarity proud.
“I looked everywhere for a place to stay, Nonny!” Pinkie cried out in desperation. “Everywhere!”
“Wait, what about my place?” Anon questioned. “Despite me being a ‘squatter’, I only ever visit on the weekends. You could live there for the rest of the week.”
For a moment, Pinkie was silent. From the look in her eyes, wide and dilated, it appeared that she hadn’t thought of that particular idea. Anon looked down at the mare, shaking his head in disappointment. She sat up, rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly.
“I guess not everywhere, everywhere.” Pinkie admitted, more to herself that Anon. “But I already brought all my stuff here!”
“So you’re just going to room with me because you’re too lazy to move all the luggage that you brought here in the first place unannounced?!” Anon crosses his arms, the universal signal for an oncoming rejection. “I’m sorry, Ponks. I have no desire for a roommate as I quite like living alone.”
“What? No!” Pinkie exclaimed, wrapping her hooves around Anon’s waist. She gazed up at him with pleading eyes. “Please, can I live here with you?”
“No.” Anon said resolutely.
“Please?”
“No.”
“Pleeeeaaaase?”
“No!”
“Pretty please~?” Pinkie asked in a suddenly more sultry tone, her eyes lidded in a suggestive manner.
“What the-!?”
“Please please please please please please please please” Pinkie repeated ad nauseam. Anon covered his ears in a vain attempt to block her out. Finally, he snapped.
“FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK AND ALL THAT’S HOLEY, FINE!” Anon yelled at the top of his lungs. In the suite next door, he could hear one of the room’s doors swing open violently.
“Can y’all shut the fuck up? We’re trying to sleep!” Called out one of the suitemates, luckily to no one in particular. Then, the door violently slammed again. Anon stared daggers at the mare, who looked genuinely remorseful and even a little afraid. She opened her mouth to apologize, only for Anon to forcibly grab her muzzle and squeeze it tight.
“Ground. Rules.” Anon spoke in a harsh whisper. “Rule #1: You do not leave this room. I don’t know how anyone is going to react to a small pink pony running around campus. Which brings us to Rule #2: Do not talk to anyone. If TV has taught me anything is that talking animals draw all the wrong kinds of attention. And Rule #3: Stay out of my stuff. In the human world, we like our boundaries. While you are a guest here, you will respect mine. Understood? Nod if you understand.”
Pinkie nods solemnly. Satisfied, Anon let go of Pinkie’s muzzle and turned over in bed. He tried his best to ignore her sad puppy eyes, her now completely straight mane, or the little bit of sniffling that he could hear as his back turned. Tried, being the operative word. Anon looked down at the foot of the bed to find Pinkie curled into a ball, this time as far as she could muster. She was even pressed against the wall, she tried to put so much distance.
Anon couldn’t help but feel guilty. Here was a mare, nay, a person, just trying to find a place to stay. Sure, she’s a little stubborn and excitable. She probably annoyed everyone of her friends in the same way, resulting in him being the only (or pseudo-only) choice. Maybe he had good reason to be upset, but he just couldn’t find it within himself to stay that way.
Anon reached down for Pinkie, grabbing her torso with his hands. She recoiled at his touch, fearful of what he was going to do. For a moment, she was like a wounded puppy, only bigger and pinker. But once she saw the remorseful look in Anon’s eyes, she relaxed and let herself be dragged back up to his side. He cradled her in his arms and calmly stroked her mane.
“Look,” Anon started, sighing in both exhaustion and frustration. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Old habits and all that. If you want to be my roommate, that’s fine.” He felt his words have an effect when the hair in his hand starts to curl around his fingers, like a child’s hand clinging to a parent’s finger. “I only wish you didn’t just drop in like the decision was already made. It felt like, well, it feels like I don’t have a choice.”
Pinkie looked away glumly, feeling shame and remorse of her own. Anon, knowing he would come to regret this someday, leaned down and kissed Pinkie Pie on the top of her mane. It was something he often did with his own cat and considering the ponies love of affection, it felt like the right move. He got his confirmation when Pinkie’s hair suddenly poofed in an explosion beneath him.
“Regardless, I’ll let you stay for as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable living on your own. If only because you’re cute and I have a weakness for cute girls. Even if they’re ponies.” Anon closed his eyes, silently patting himself on the back as Pinkie hummed happily in his arms. “Night, Ponkers.”
“Goodnight, Nonny.”
Anon could feel the wave of sleepiness as he heard those words. With the embrace a warm, snuggly horse, he could feel himself slowly fall into a blissful rest. The world faded away around him, leaving in total-
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
The alarm clock blared next to the two. Anon’s smile slowly contorted to that of a scornful gritting of teeth as the beeping continued incessantly.
“MOTHER-!”