//------------------------------// // Razing the Battlements Part 2 // Story: She Drives Me Batty // by I Thought I Was Toast //------------------------------// “Aaaaaaaachoo!” There was a flash of light, the honking blare of death, and then the geese were everywhere as Aunt Mercy and I dove for cover into the cloud floor, where we waited with bated breath until the maddening storm of vicious honks had passed. It felt like an eternity as the seconds crawled by, and every time I closed my eyes in the miserably damp and cold condensation vent, I saw flashes of their needle sharp teeth and the angry little beads of their eyes. Maybe it would be alright. Maybe they were just fighting to get out of the newest hole in the wall. Maybe they were just honking impatiently as they waited in a neat little line like they were at Whinny World. Or maybe they were wrecking the just-finished nursery… again…. At least Aunt Mercy and I had gotten a snack with the termites, but seriously, twice in a row? Unicorn foals were such a pain in the— There was another sneeze and the floor exploded, leaving me to flail as I fell into my still wrecked room. It was just a shockwave of magic this time—thank the stars—not even powerful enough to fully disperse the cloud. Pushing must have finally been out of juice. I hoped she was out of juice. “And here I thought the Pink Demon was lying about Pumpkin Cake.” I rose with a growl to once more survey the destruction. “She’s not normally this bad.” Aunt Mercy was already on her hooves and checking on her adorable, little demon spawn. “If she was, I’d never be able to hide it from your parents.” “Hide what from my parents?” I furrowed my brow and looked back down from the hole to eye my aunt with my best Mom face. “Oh, nothing~” Aunt Mercy smirked. “I’ve been able to deal with it so far, honest.” Lazily crossing her heart, she leapt with a flap of her wings to circle back up to the floor above. “Last time she did anything like this was when she—” I blinked at the abrupt stop and squinted up at the horrible gnawing white before I jumped to join her. “Was when she…” I prompted, and frowned when Aunt Mercy paled and flicked her tail restlessly. “Don’t worry about it,” Aunt Mercy said far too quickly, eyes shifting from side to side as she bit her lip. “It was before I got here, and it’s not something you need to worry about if you know what’s good for you.” I scowled, but then let it pass. “I swear, if I hear you were actually swinging her around like a flammenschwert.” “Oh, please.” My aunt snorted. “A flaming baby sword would have been way cooler. Grossly irresponsible, and not something even I would have done—” She looked pointedly at me. “—but her father wasn’t much of an evocator, and neither is she.” “Thank the stars for that.” I shook my head, just imagining the chaos a bit of extra spontaneous combustion would cause. “Still, I’m done. I’m not building that room a third time until we get a sun-blasted suppressor ring or something.” “I think you’re overreacting just a little, pipsqueak.” Aunt Mercy’s smile had a hint of fang as she perched on the precipice of the ruined room. “I’m just being practical.” I wanted to growl but couldn’t really blame Aunt Mercy for getting defensive. “It's not like we’ll be sticking her in criminal-grade restraints or anything, but Mom and Dad and I can’t help you with Daisy’s surges; living up here is going to be dangerous if we don’t shut them down.” Aunt Mercy gave a little hiss. “Tssssk! You think I don’t know that? Just… remember the feather flu? Remember how miserable that bloody cone is? It’s like that or like those thrice damned leashes for pegasus foals. Besides, her surges are the only real thing she has to protect herself.” I arched my brow. “Prote— Just what the hay is she gonna need to protect herself from? She has you, doesn’t she?” Aunt Mercy bit her lip before sighing. “Fine…. I was getting hungry anyways. We can stop for lunch now and go grab one before we continue.” “Thank you.” I nodded. “Let’s go get the twins, grab lunch, and head to Sweetie Belle’s, then.” I arched a brow at Aunt Mercy’s snicker. “What?” “Your little unicorn friend? Pfffft! Hah!” My aunt threw back her head in a throaty laugh. “I just figured you’d end up dragging me to the castle to schmooze one out of the Princess of Nerds.” “And get Mom and Dad wound up in this?” I snorted and grinned. “Now? I’ve gone through too much guano today to do that now. At this point, my pride is as much on the line as yours. Nah, we’ll just go see if Sweetie’s folks still have the one they used. From what I’ve heard, Rarity’s horn literally used to drag her off into the night.” “Snnnnrrk! Now that would make a funny court case.” Aunt Mercy snickered as she leapt in the air to lazily float around me. “Rarity versus Rarity: attempted foalnapping.” “Her horn had the right to remain silent.” I gave her my Daddliest grin. “Any flickers of light can and will be used against it in a court of law.” “Hah! You’re your father’s daughter, alright.” Slapping my back with one hoof, my aunt circled up and gave a lazy salute before she started gliding to the ground below. Pushing burbled and shrieked in glee in the wind as she and her Mom drifted down to the underporch, and I shook my head as I jumped back down with a smile to loot through my room for my bit bag. “Oi, twerps! Fall in, would ya? We’re heading out for lunch!” I opened my door to find the two of them crouched at it, ears to the door. They wobbled slightly as I pulled the door in on them, but they hardly let it trip them up, smiling shamelessly at me as they jumped to their hooves and looked up at me. I squinted down at them for a moment—their little halos of innocence not fooling me one bit—but a cursory inspection of the hall suggested they had listened to me when I said to not wreck the house. A few clicks seemed to confirm it, but I swept through the house all the same, and all the while they bounced more and more restlessly, devious little smiles growing. Finally, unable to wait the measly five minutes my inspection was taking, Red buzzed his wings in a fervor and let out a whine. “Come on, come on, come on! Everything’s fine! Let’s go already! Where are we going? Is it Sugarcube Corner? It totally is, isn’t it?! I love Sugarcube Corner! Pinkie Pie’s the best!” “She is, is she?” I gave a tired smile as I kept looking, and my efforts finally bore fruit as a few clicks revealed a few small, hard lumps buried under the coffee table. Red’s head bobbed like a tightly bound spring, his mane whipping up and down wildly. “Yuh-huh! She’s all poofy and giggly and sweet, and her hair tastes like cotton candy and bubble gum! She’s like, the Princess of Candy and Sweets!” His grin was just a little too wide, though, and I tried not to smirk as I let out a few more clicks. Seems Red was still playing with the house and making hail—a minor infraction all things considered. I let him sweat it for a bit as I approached the table to clean and stack the blocks he’d left smashed all over near it, but I just didn’t have the heart to call him on it. Mom would give him lessons soon enough. “Hmmm, it sounds like you liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike her.” I grinned as I turned back to the terrible twosome. “The Pink Demon? A Princess? Pretty sure Tartarus will freeze over first. What do you think, Rolling?” “Ummm…” The little rascal squirmed as he looked anywhere but at me. “I plead the fifth.” With a snort of laughter, I leaned down to ruffle his mane. “You even know what that means?” Now that I was down on my knees and level with him, he turned to look at me with the cutest little pout. “No, but Daddy says it a lot. Am I using it wrong? What’s it mean? Fifth means five, so five of what?” He gave a sudden gasp that jostled his glasses. “Is this about that fifth leg you told us about? It is, isn’t it?!” My snort turned to full on laughter even as I blushed at the memory of that little slip up. “No, it’s not about that. It’s about a law. You know what those are?” “They’re the big pony rules Mom and Dad make sure ponies follow.” Rolling nodded. “Breaking them gets you extra big time outs and no dessert for months.” “Heh… Good to see you listen, unlike some troublemakers.” I ruffled his mane again and lifted him on my back. Red stuck his tongue out at me as I bent down for him, hopping away in a huff. “Not a troublemaker! Rules are just stupid!” Red buzzed his wings and ran for the door. “I’ll even show you! I’m gonna glide down all on my own! Woot!” “Red, wait!” I bolted after him, but he took after Mom while I took after Dad. He was quick as a whip as he burst through the door to shut it in my face, giggling like mad as he jumped. “Oi! Aunt Mercy! We got a jumper! Be ready to catch and roll!” Rolling clutched me tight as I jolted through the door to make another Luna forsaken hole I was gonna need to fix and leapt after Red. The little bugger was wobbling through the air and outright eeped as I pounced after him. His wings froze for just a moment, but he didn’t actually drop out of the glide like I thought he would. I missed my mark because of it, and sailed right under him, but the fact that he held it together let me begrudgingly settle for gliding under him just in case. Aunt Mercy, to her credit, was watching us both with the unwavering gaze of an owl about to swoop in. Prowling about beneath us, she was tense and ready for takeoff. “Wheeheeheeeeeeeeeee!” Red circled around and around erratically until he finally made it to the ground in one piece. “See! I told you! Rules are stupid!” “No, they’re not.” With a throaty growl, I stomped. “You could have gotten really hurt if your wings froze up any more and I wasn’t there. Your wings are getting clipped when Mom and Dad get home, Red. I’m gonna make sure of it.” “Awwwww! Come on! Why are you always so laaaaaaame?!” The little twerp squeaked and stomped in kind. “No dessert for you at Sugarcube Corner, either.” “What?! That’s not fair! I made it without crashing! I should get more dessert!” He actually reared back and hissed at me, but it was really underwhelming with him just being a pegasus. I ignored the tantrum rather than feed it and looked back at Rolling. “Sorry, Rolling, but if you want dessert, you’ve got to share with me now. I remember the last time you two weaseled out of not getting dessert by sharing with each other.” Rolling had the decency to blush as he looked away. “Ummm… okay….” Red gave the most shocked gasp of betrayal at that. “You’re the worst!” The kick to the shin wasn’t exactly hard against somepony like me, but it took significantly more effort to ignore than a bit of shouting. Still, I managed, and my brother settled into a moping sulk as he trailed behind me and Aunt Mercy with his tail tucked between his legs. “Kind of harsh, don’t you think?” Aunt Mercy tsked, glancing over her shoulder at Red as he trailed behind us. “Harsh, but necessary.” I frowned. “He needs to learn that actions have consequences.” “Not every foal can be as straight and narrow as you were, pipsqueak.” My aunt snorted. “And you know what trying too hard gets you? It gets you me.” “Excuse me?” I blinked and pulled up short for just a second, making Aunt Mercy laugh. “Screeheehee! Oh, come on, pipsqueak! You know how much of an overbearing schweinhund my former old man is. He’s a complete and utter control freak. Back before he stopped giving a shi—” Aunt Mercy bit her tongue at my glower. “—iny silver fish about me, I would always get disciplined over the littlest things. You know what it’s like to get grounded for using the wrong spoon?” With a good, solid snort, I rolled my eyes. “Oh, please. I’m not anywhere near as bad as Bitter Bite.” “Pfft! At this point, I’m not sure anypony can be as wretched as he is.” My aunt flicked her tail like a whip, wings rustling, eyes narrowing. “Foals have turned into rebellious little brats over less, though.” I looked back at Red as he trailed just a little behind us. Head low, shoulders slumped, he really knew how to sell it, but I’d be a foal to give in now. “I’ll think of something,” I murmured quietly in a pitch high enough that only me, Aunt Mercy, and Rolling could possibly hear. Rolling gave me a little squeeze and nuzzle from behind, and we all trudged on until we finally reached Sugarcube Corner for lunch. Mrs. Cake was behind the counter today, thank the stars, and we saw no hint of the Pink Demon other than the toothless beast guarding the door to the kitchen as she sang her siren songs from within. More than a few foals surrounded the lithe alligator in a half circle, daring each other to rush past it. Red took one look at me and simply joined me in line with a sigh, his brother squeezing me a bit tighter even as he looked at the gaggle of giggling foals longingly. “Oh, don’t give me that,” I groaned. “You know as well as I do that if I give you a decent shot at the kitchen, Pinkie is going to be hoofing out sweets. No. I told you no dessert and I meant it. Now what do you two want to eat?” Sullen silence answered me until Rolling murmured. “What’s spana— spana— What’s the special thingy on the menu?” I glanced at the lunch menu and squinted as it occurred to me just why most foals only came here for dessert. “Spanakopita.” I muttered and squinted at the fine print under it. “Looks like it’s a spinach and feta pie. You like spinach, right, you two?” More silence answered as Rolling squirmed on my back. “I know Red does, but I don’t…. Do they have that egg pie thing?” “A quiche?” I looked the menu up and down. “Yeah, today they’ve got a plain cheddar one, and one with mushrooms and…” I squinted at perhaps the single smallest line of text I’d ever read. “Now that can’t be right.” I glanced at the kitchen where the Pink Demon slaved away, heat wafting lazily above and below the batwing doors to the back. “Hold the line, will you?” I nodded to Aunt Mercy, walked on over to the door, and walked right over the alligator to take a deep whiff. The savory smell of crisp, juicy bacon wafted faintly in the air, making me salivate and lick my lips. “No. Bucking. Way.” It was inevitable. I had to see to believe it, and so Rolling and I floated through the doors as we followed the smell. The Pink Demon blurred and rushed about with unholy speed as she operated like, twenty ovens at once, and there—sitting on the cupboard off to the side—were five full quiches topped with piggy goodness. “How? Why? Who?” I stared at the pies almost stricken silent, then hurriedly rushed back out of the kitchen and back in line. We were almost to the front at that point and as we finally made it there, I gaped and floundered like a fish out of water to Mrs. Cake. “Bacon?” I rasped and gestured vaguely at the kitchen, not daring to look and tempt myself. “Why is the Pink One baconing— I mean, baking with bacon?!” Mrs. Cake gave a weary smile, chuckling weakly and shaking her head. “Twilight has a few visiting dignitaries right now, and those quiche’s were brunch for the griffons. Would you like them, Night, dearie? Your father was reluctant to take them when we offered for some reason.” I bit my lip to gaze longingly at the kitchen door. “He had that same look on his face, too!” The chuckle turned to a brief and cheery laugh. “Poor darling seemed to want it really bad, even though he said no.” Aunt Mercy had perked her ears at the word bacon and leaned to relook at the menu with a hungry gleam. “They’re just trying to be polite about it.” She snorted. “Most thestrals only eat fish or insects unless they have a special reason to—traditions, holidays, celebrations. It's a giant load of horseapples, really. The practice only really picked up after Thestrals joined Equestria, so you just know it's there to settle a bunch of daydweller stomachs.” “Wait, what?” I blinked. “Oh? Did you not know that, pipsqueak?” Aunt Mercy smirked. “Yeah, it’s an Equestrian thing. Way up in Die Heimat, they hunt just as freely if not more vehemently than the griffons do. Some of them even like their meat raw.” “Ewwwww….” I grimaced as Mrs. Cake and the ponies behind us wavered and turned sickly pale. The flower sisters, Daisy, Rose, and Lily, fainted just like they always did, and I slugged Aunt Mercy as her smirk only erupted in laughter at our reactions. “We’ll take the lot, Mrs…. Cake, was it?” “But…” I raised a hoof to object and my aunt glowered at me. “Do you want all that bacon to go to waste?” She arched her brow at me. “What kind of question is that?” My head reared back. “Of course not, it’s just—” “Then close your eyes and pretend you’re in Roan, pipsqueak.” I grumbled and mumbled, eyes screwed shut as war waged within me. I shouldn’t and yet… It would go to waste if we didn’t; Aunt Mercy would get it all if I didn’t. Would it really be so bad? Yes. No. Yes. No. I didn’t know! I ground my fangs together and snarled before finally sagging in fatigue. “Stars above you’re such a bad influence.” I sighed and reached for my bit bag, blinking when my hoof closed on thin air. A quick glance around revealed a fiendish grin on my aunt’s face as she tossed my bit bag up and down, but before I could even scowl it was tossed back my way and Aunt Mercy put her own bit bag on the counter. It was a lot smaller than mine, and I squirmed, opening to protest for completely different reasons. “Look—” Aunt Mercy beat me before I could even get a word out, her brow furrowing as I glanced at her bit pouch again. “—if I treat you and your Dad to it, you two don’t have to twist yourselves in knots over it. I’ve already got my eye on a few jobs in town, and I feel like celebrating moving in with you.” She scowled as I opened my mouth again, and smacked her hoof on the counter hard enough that Mrs. Cake squeaked. “So not one word, soldier. Got it? I’ve been spoiling you since the day you were born, and I’m not stopping just ‘cause I’ve hit a rough patch.” Looking back at the still sulking Red, she pursed her lips. “Which reminds me…” She bared her fangs in the most dazzling smile at Mrs. Cake. “With that settled, I believe I have our order, Miss. I’ll take all of your mushroom and bacon quiches—three slices for here, the rest to go—a piece of the spanakopita for here, and…” Her eyes roamed the milkshake board. “Oh, score. You actually have bugs, too? That’ll be three Apocalypse Crunches, then, plus a Cherry Pop Berryblast for the little sulker skulking about my shadow.” Mrs. Cake squeaked again, looking between my newest scowl and Aunt Mercy’s fang-filled smile. The smile—which Aunt Mercy was really, really good at—won, and so the bits were hurriedly counted out before Mrs. Cake booked it back into the kitchen with an extra shakey waddle. “I’m—” Red gave a big, fake sniffle as he finally looked up with wide round eyes. “—getting a milkshake?” It wasn’t worth fighting over, was it? I looked at Red and sighed, dropping the glower for a tired smile. “Oh, Aunt Mercy…” “What? I can’t just spoil the three of us.” She arched her brow at me as she picked her woefully light bit bag back up. “I said no dessert.” “And? The milkshakes aren’t for dessert, pipsqueak. We have to wash our gullets with something, don’t we?” Red and Rolling gave the most delighted little gasps at that, looking at each other with impish grins. I squinted at Aunt Mercy for a good half a minute, then shrugged, flicking the terrible twosome’s ears with my tail. “Ow!” They echoed each other, ears flapping wildly. “What was that for?!” “It’s ‘cause I know exactly what you’re thinking, and no, that won’t work on Mom.” Grabbing the bag as Mrs. Cake brought out the ‘to go’ part of our order, I shepherded the little munchkins to a table so the poor mare could handle the next in line, and I dutifully ignored the Pink Demon flaunting her unearthly powers as she blurred ahead of us to set our table seconds after I took the first step towards it. “What about Dad?” The bounce was back in Red’s step at the newfound promise of sugar in his future—his misery all but forgotten. “Try it on Dad and you can bet Mom will find out.” Under my breath, I muttered a few of Dad’s favorite words. “Dad likes to brag.” Both Red and Rolling tilted their heads. “Why does that matter?” I snorted as we all settled in, the piping hot smell of eggs and bacon spearing into my brain and making me drool a little. “It matters ‘cause we’re his favorite trophies, and he just loves bragging about us. Now let’s dig in before it gets cold.” The twerps, of course, took that as permission to dive right in and start wolfing their meal down like a starving princess. I wasn’t much better, honestly, after a hard morning's work. And with bacon on the line? Mmmmmm… The only one who did eat with anything close to decorum was Aunt Mercy, oddly enough, but that was less because of her and more because of Pushing Daisies slowing her down; the little bugger needed food, too, and she was a very needy and greedy baby. All in all, the twerps and I were done in a flash, and I was left to stare morosely at my empty plate as Rolling desperately licked his for any last speck of bacony goodness. I slurped the last of my milkshake down—tossing it back and delving my tongue deep down to snatch up the dregs—before I let loose my best Dad impression. Rolling and Red giggled like idiots at that, but we all knew there was no beating the champ. Or so I thought. Aunt Mercy and Pushing seemed ready to give him his money’s worth as my aunt made a game out of it when she finished feeding Pushing. They were still trading blows as we left and headed for Sweetie’s—right on up until we reached the front door.