//------------------------------//
// Chapter 21: The Hawk and The Hen 
// Story: Pandemic: Starting Over 
// by Halira 
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I was looking forward to spending time with the colts. Actually, I was looking forward to dealing with anyone but Lántiān for a few minutes. It wasn't like I hadn't already had breaks from her; it was just that I hadn't had enough breaks from her. Perhaps if we could avoid one another for a decade, I'd be more up to it. Not that I would ever get that. Still, I went out to see the colts with enthusiasm. 

The foals were all out in the living room. Shǔguāng and Líng were facing one another while hopping back and forth. Mèng and Qīng Yǔ were both standing in a line behind Shǔguāng, with Mèng biting Shǔguāng's tail, and Qīng Yǔ biting Mèng's tail. Líng seemed to be trying to get by his older brother to reach the younger two foals. The two younger foals had to beat their wings to balance themselves when Shǔguāng took too big a hop for their smaller legs to keep up with, although it seemed like Qīng Yǔ did it at times just because Mèng had done it first. There was a great deal of giggling going on from all the foals; except Qīng Yǔ, who seemed focused entirely on mimicking her youngest uncle's actions.

I took a seat on the couch as the game progressed. It was clearly a simple game for young foals, and the rules didn't seem hard to figure out from mere observation. I watched as Líng paused and considered new ways of getting around his older brother after having no previous luck. 

The little earth pony smirked slyly, and suddenly charged straight forward, as if trying to go under Shǔguāng. There was no physical way another pony was fitting under Shǔguāng's stubby little legs. He might have been the oldest colt, but he wasn't old enough to have that kind of size difference. Líng's action was enough to throw him off balance, though, and he stumbled to the side, dragging the two youngest along with him. Líng was down on the ground and took quick advantage of his brother's fall to clutch and bite down on Qīng Yǔ. The tiny pegasus let off a muffled squeak, but she didn't release Mèng's tail. 

"<Yǔ, you need to let go. You are caught>, " Shǔguāng explained in Mandarin.

Líng reached his hooves forward and tried to loosen her grip on Mèng. "<Let go>!"

"English, please," I called out as a reminder. 

Shǔguāng turned to me with his ears tilted back. "But Mèng and Yǔ don't know English. They didn't have the spell cast on them."

"I'm not sure if they know much Mandarin either," I replied calmly. "I've yet to hear Yǔ say a word, and Mèng has only uttered the word Mama. They can learn English instead of Mandarin. I'm not having that spell cast on foals that don't understand even one language yet."

"They know words," Líng said defensively. He patted Yǔ. "<Say Mama. Say>Zǔmǔ."

Whatever Zǔmǔ meant, it didn't translate correctly in my brain, but it got an immediate reaction from both the youngest foals. They released their bites and looked around expectantly.

"Mama?" Mèng said in what seemed a very hopeful tone. 

Yǔ looked around. "Zǔmǔ?"

Shǔguāng got up angrily and boxed Líng's shoulder. The earth pony colt didn't respond in anger, like I thought he would. He instead went wide-eyed as he realized he had just made a grave mistake. 

The two youngest continued to look around, crying out the respective terms. Their search became more frantic as they got no response back, and the two older colts looked at them mournfully. I didn't need to have Zǔmǔ translated for me. I now understood exactly who the young filly was looking for and failing to find. 

It didn't take long for their failed search to turn into crying and wailing. Lántiān flew into the room in a blur, landed, and grabbed both of them up into a hug. She then gave me a resentful look like it was my fault.

Shǔguāng came to my defense before my squabble with the filly could resume. He pointed at his earth pony brother. "His fault."

Líng looked downcast at the floor, and gave a barely perceptible nod. "My fault."

Lántiān turned her disapproving glare at her little brother for a second, then went back to trying to soothe the two toddlers. The two older colts and I watched in silence as she hugged and kissed them. When they seemed to be calming down a little, she picked Mèng up and deposited him on her back and put her daughter on alongside him an instant after. 

She then stood up and gave Líng one last glare. "Don't do that again." She looked at me and nodded in acknowledgment of my presence. "Ma'am." She then marched out of the room. 

Líng looked pitifully at me and then his older brother, who was still staring at him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to."

Shǔguāng snorted and whinnied. "Stupid!"

"Don't call your brother that," I ordered. 

The unicorn colt shook his head and walked away towards the back door, and sat down, staring outside with his back to us.

Líng continued to look miserable as he turned towards me with tears streaming down his face. "I didn't mean to. I miss Mama too. When is Mama coming back?"

God, help me. I didn't want to lie to the colt, but I couldn't find the will to tell those tear-filled eyes that she never would. I could be heartlessly blunt to any adult, or even his older sister. I'd been direct and to the point with children as a Sunday school teacher, bordering on cruel- not that I was proud of that. However, seeing him looking to me like that, I just didn't have it in me. 

"Did we do something wrong?" He asked, near sobbing.

I sighed. I had to say something. "Come up next to me. Let's talk."

The colt stood up and wiped his nose with one of his legs, before climbing on the couch next to me. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate or not, but I wrapped a leg around him and pulled him closer to me. 

I gently wiped his eyes. "You did nothing wrong. Your mama loves you and your siblings more than anything else in the world."

"So, why'd she send us away?"

That was a far more loaded question than the colt knew. "She isn't back at your old home. She had to go away too… just to a different place."

"Why?"

I chewed on my lip. I glanced over at his brother and saw the other colt still had his back turned to us, but his ear was cocked as if listening intently. 

I turned my attention back to the colt in my grasp. "There were some bad people that wanted to hurt you and your siblings. Your mama had to make a choice. She could go away and only be in dreams, or she could let them hurt you. Your mama would never let anyone hurt you, and she did what she had to do."

Líng laid his head down on my flank. "I don't understand."

I did some more chewing on my lip. I didn't want to try to explain this to someone so young. "Imagine if someone wanted to do something terrible to all your family. Something so terrible they would never get better. Imagine you had a choice. You could never be in the same room with your family again, or your family could be hurt like that, and you'd still never see them again. What would you do?"

He flattened his ears. "That's not fair!"

"I hate to say this, because it is said far too often, but life's not fair sometimes," I replied. "That was the kind of choice your mama had to make, and she took the only option she could. You didn't have those terrible things happen to you because she would do anything to protect you. Even if it meant she could only visit you in dreams from now on."

"But, I miss Mama."

I smiled. "That just means you love her, just like she loves you. You're lucky. A lot of foals don't get to see parents that go away at all anymore. You still have her in your dreams."

He snorted and got wet snot all over my flank. I did my best not to look disgusted. Snot from a runny nose was easier to clean up easier than emotions. 

"I had a wife, and she had to make that kind of choice," I said slowly. He looked up at me, and I forced myself to continue. "There was a bad person who was going to hurt everyone. She had to make a choice, she could go away, forever into dreams, or she could let him hurt people."

Tonya had less of a choice. He would have killed her, no matter what. I wish he could have lived so that I could murder him. I wanted to make him suffer. Dying so quickly that he didn't even get a chance to feel anything was too much a mercy for him. Hell was too good for him.

"She didn't want everyone to get hurt, so she made the only choice she could," I continued, and I felt pressure in my eyes as tears threatened to break free. "I still see her in my dreams, but it isn't the same. I m-miss her so much."

He rubbed a hoof against me. "Auntie Sunset, don't cry."

I took a few seconds to recompose myself, and then forced myself to smile at him. "But I think that might be why I'm the one she chose to take care of you, or so others tell me. I understand what you are feeling right now. It doesn't feel alright. It doesn't feel fair. You had someone precious taken away from you, no matter if anyone claims you haven't really lost her, and nothing makes that any better."

He started to cry again, and I touched a hoof to him to still his crying. "But you still have your brothers, your sister, and your niece. They are still there, and they love you just like your mama does. Your mama went away so you could still have them. You have a long life left to live. One that will let you meet lots of people who will be important to you. Don't ever forget the precious people you still have and have yet to meet. They're your mama's gift to you, and you're her gift to them."

That sounded like it encouraged arrogant and self-centered thinking, but I was an arrogant and self-centered pony, and that was the best way I could word it. 

He sniffled. "I still want Mama."

I hugged him. "I know you do. I still want Tonya. We just have to grieve and try to accept it. It isn't going to get easier, but I think it is unfair to them if it did get easier. We should never stop loving and missing them just as much as we did when we first realized they were gone. At least we have our dreams; that's more than most people get. Tonight, when you dream, make sure you tell your mama how much you love her, okay?"

He nodded weakly. "Okay."

I released him and gave him a little nudge. "Now, go wash up. You've made yourself a mess. You can ask your sister to run you a bath. Tell her I asked her to."

His ears perked up at the word bath. If that colt didn't get some water-related cutie mark, I might die of shock. He got down from the couch in a hurry and ran towards the kitchen. "Sister! Auntie Sunset says I need a bath!"

I almost felt bad for dumping more work on Lántiān, almost. Running him a bath wasn't that much work, and she probably wanted to give the two toddlers one as well anyway. I had other things to do. There was still one colt in the room. One who had been eerily silent through the entire exchange. 

I left the couch and walked towards the back door, before sitting down beside Shǔguāng. The young unicorn was making a show of not looking at me, instead staring forward at the glass door as if it held all the world's secrets. 

"She didn't just go away, did she?" he asked, still staring forward, expressionless. 

I shook my head. "No, she didn't just go away."

"She's dead, " he said, still a face of stone. So young to have an expression like that. 

"She is," I confirmed.

He still didn't bat an eye or flex any feature of his face. "Why didn't you tell him?"

"Why haven't you told him?" I contested. "I don't think you just realized it."

He finally broke his gaze outside to turn his face away from me. He stayed silent. 

I took a deep breath. "I think it is because you're afraid of hurting him. You don't want him to stop believing she's out there."

"It's because it's our fault."

I jerked my head and stared. "You shouldn't think that!"

"But it's true," he replied, not turning around. He wouldn't face me, but I could hear him crying. 

I put a hoof on his back. "No, it's not. It's the people who threatened you. It's their fault. Don't you ever blame yourself for her sacrifice."

"She's dead, and we aren't!"

I shook my head. "Better than the other way around, and she agrees with me. Are you going to disagree with your mother?"

He wiped his face and turned to look at me. He had red irises, but the whites of his eyes were red as well from crying. "Are you our replacement mama?"

I shook my head. "I'm not replacing anyone. I'm here to take care of you, and make sure nothing bad happens to you. Your mother is still your mother, and nothing will ever change about that."

He turned away again. Yeah, these colts might still play and watch cartoons, but these weren't issues they were just thinking about now. 

"You're not like your brother; you get angry when you get hurt, don't you?" I asked. 

His ears wilted. "I don't mean to. It just happens."

"Don't apologize for getting angry, " I snapped. "I get angry too. So does your sister. Some people go and cry in a corner when bad things happen; some get angry- some of us do both. What matters is what you do with your anger."

He looked at me again. "What do you mean?"

I looked out the backdoor now as I spoke. "Your first instinct is to lash out at everyone, but then you realize that is wrong, so you try to bottle it up. That never works. Sooner or later, it comes out. The next thing most people tend to do is redirect that anger at someone. It could be towards whoever made them angry, or to yourself, or to someone that doesn't deserve it. I admit I have a problem because I tend to do those things. It isn't what you should do."

He blinked in confusion. "What should I do?"

I turned and looked him in the eyes. "You take whatever made you angry. Whatever injustice was done to you. You take that thing, and you say you will make it so that it doesn't happen again. You're angry because you lost a loved one. Look at your brothers and your sister, look at them and say to yourself; no one will take any more of my loved ones away. Then you make sure no one does."

"What if I can't figure out why I'm angry?"

I leaned in closer. "Then make sure figuring out why you're angry is what you do before you take action. Make sure you know good and well. Also, make sure you have a right to be angry. Spend a lot of time thinking about that, because if you don't have a right to be angry, nothing good can come of your anger."

"Do I have a right to be angry now?"

"You have every right to be angry at the people who threatened you and your family," I replied. "Make sure you guard and look out for your siblings, let that rage remind you of what you have to lose. But look out for their happiness too, don't forget why you care about them."

He stared at me. "Mama told me things like that. Only she said, don't let my emotions get the better of me."

I frowned. "She's not wrong. There's a balance to it. I wish I could tell you how to figure that balance out, but I'm not sure I understand it."

"But… you're a grownup."

I shook my head. "Grownups don't always know everything, kid. If you figure it out, take time to tell me how to do it."

We both just stare out the glass in silence for a few minutes. It wasn't that great a view, but we weren't really looking at it. 

"I'll protect them. I promise," he said after the silence had stretched on. Saying it like a pony two or three times his age. "I'll protect them and you."

I chuckled. "Thanks, but it's my job to protect you."

He didn't stop coldly staring forward. "I'm not going to lose another mama."