//------------------------------// // Phantom Express // Story: Half-Life: Pastel Paradise // by I aint no damn brownie //------------------------------// Something dropped into the train cart, “I’m back-“ I didn’t let it finish as I smacked it over the head with my baton. It crumpled to the floor, unconscious. I dropped the baton as I realized what.. or who it was. Gordon. I had attacked Gordon. “Rainbow! What the buck was that?!” Spike yelled in a panic. “Why’d you attack him?!” “Spike! Language.” Applejack scolded, but looked at me in confusion. “But why’d you hit ‘em, RD?” She asked. Spike groaned. “I’m seventeen, Jack! Twilight let me start swearing, like, a month ago. But that’s off-topic. Rainbow, why’d you knock him out?” Spike looked over at me, disapprovingly. I put up my hooves. “I didn’t mean to! I thought he was an alien! I didn’t bother taking any chances.” I explained myself. He put a claw to his snout and rubbed it. “Okay, great. The only guy who knew anything about the aliens. Unconscious.” He whispered to himself. I guiltily looked at the floor. “Sorry..” Spike looked at me, groaning. “It’s fine, Rainbow. It’s about 24 hours until we get to Canterlot, so it’s not like it’s urgent that he wakes up or anything. Is he still breathing? You didn’t kill him.. did you?” His eyes widened as his pupils turned to pinpricks. I gulped. Did I? Oh Celestia, I hope not. I put an ear to his chest. ...nothing. “Spike, I’m not hearing anything!” I yelled, panic slowly overtaking me. He walked over and put a claw on Gordon’s neck. “He’s fine.” Spike said, sighing in relief. I looked at him in confusion. He saw my look and decided to explain. “Rainbow Dash, did you forget that you can just check for a pulse?” ... “The little arteries in your body that can tell whether or not your heart is beating..?” ... “Unbelievable. Look, everypony has arteries in this neck that, as stated before, allows you to feel for a heartbeat. The two most prominent ones are on your foreleg and on your neck. Since you can’t hear through the suit, I figured I should check his pulse.” He explained. I nodded slowly. That didn’t make too much sense.. how can your heart be connected to your neck? Doesn’t make much sense. But then again, I slept through most of biology. So maybe I’m not the most accurate source of knowledge on the human/pony body. ..Maybe is stretching it. ...okay, maybe, kinda, I slept through all of biology. Applejack landed on her haunches with an exhale. “So everythin’s fine? Nopony’s croaked? That’s nice, Ah’m going back to sleep.” She said, instantly passing out. ...impressive. How tired was she? Spike lied down on the floor of the car. “Applejack has the right idea. Gordon.. Gordon’s fine. He isn’t bleeding. He might have a bad headache when he wakes up, and maybe a concussion.. but that suit administered morphine already, didn’t it?” “Minor fracture detected. Morphine administered.” The suit spoke up. Spike snapped his claws, “There it is. Took a while, but thankfully there’s plot convenience and shoehorning.” He put a hand behind his head and slowly drifted off, leaving me alone with the body. That sounds bad. Leaving me alone with the.. sleeping kitten. Yeah. I lied back and tried to go to sleep myself, but I couldn’t. I felt.. bad. I hurt the poor guy. I probably fractured his skull.. I winced. No, he’s okay. He’s fine. Yeah. He’s okay. Now.. onto less important matters. Shouldn’t that one stop be coming up soon? The conductor usually always stops there to rest for a bit. After all, she’s been in the train all day, so I can understand. Ponyville isn’t the first stop, and it’s later in the day when she gets to it. So it should be soon. That’s usually where the girls and I can get some snacks for the road, because you see, there’s this nice little shop nearby! You can get all sorts of organic snacks, and they’ve got the best iced tea you’ve ever tasted! I’m not usually a fan of tea, but I make an exception for this place. So.. imagine my surprise when we drive right past it. ...maybe the conductor is stopping at the next one? There’s another one about a mile down, in case you missed the first one. But after that, there isn’t another rest stop for a while. ... We just passed the second one. Is.. everything okay? Oh.. wait.. alien invasion. Is-is she okay? Maybe I should go check. ...nah. She’s fine. ... I opened the roof hatch and stepped on top of the train. Okay, this is stupid. But I need to make sure. I climbed over to the next cart and entered the roof hatch. This one was an actual car, so there were seats and stuff. And while they should usually be occupied.. there was no pony in sight. But as I dodged the claws of a zombie, I realized what had happened. It was occupied. The aliens just.. took it over. The sad truth for most of Equestria. I pulled my baton back out and bashed the shit out of the zombie’s head. Once it stopped moving, I hit it one more time for good measure. I faced forward and hit a headcrab midair. Yeah! Nice! I smiled to myself. Easy pickings, all of them. A zombie charged me and I turned around. When it got close enough, I bucked it as hard as I could, causing it to fly into the wall on the opposite side of the train; which destroyed its head on impact. Brains sprayed all over the walls. Okay, bad idea. I held back the bile threatening to rise in my throat. Nope, Rainbow Dash doesn’t throw up. Rainbow Dash can handle anything. I took a deep breath, and continued moving. I opened the next cart and saw a houndeye. WHIIIRRRRR.. “Just bum-rush ‘em and hope for the best!” Gordon’s words rang out in my mind. I dashed over (pun intended) and kicked it with a foreleg. It stopped whirring, and I smashed it with the baton. When I finished with that, I quickly plugged my nose. Gordon didn’t tell us these things smelt rancid. A lone tear escaped my eye. I pressed on, dodging many-a flying headcrab. I stomped on them, quickly ending their lives because I didn’t want them to stick around long. God knows what they can do. I opened the next cart and walked directly into a rope. I expected to just brush it out of the way, but it stuck to my hoof. “What the Tartarus..?” I asked as the rope started to slowly pull upwards, bringing me with it. I looked up at what was pulling me and paled at the sight. This.. thing with teeth was pulling the rope. Actually, I don’t think this is a rope. It’s a little.. yellow. I tried to pull my hoof away. I tried to grab onto anything. Anything at all. I had grabbed a nearby seat, but it was doing nothing to stop the damn thing! I had to let go, else I risk my teeth being pulled from my jaw. I started to hyperventilate. What do I do? What do I do?! I can’t just let it eat me, Rainbow Dash doesn’t give up! But what do I do- A-Ha! I waited. I just waited. When I got close enough, I shoved my baton into its mouth. It choked on the thing and finally let go of me. I fell to the floor unceremoniously, and the thing spit out a bunch of bones on me. I quickly stood up, wanting to get as far away from that thing as possible. I felt queasy looking at the bones, knowing that there had been other victims. I had escaped with my life. Others hadn’t been so lucky. Turning around, I instantly froze. There was another one right in front of me. I walked around it, slow as a snail, not wanting to disturb it. I didn’t know if the tongue(?) could move or not, and frankly, I didn’t want to find out. When I finally arrived at the door, I let out the breath I was holding and sucked in air. I slowly put a hoof to my chest, telling my heart to slow the heck down. It was beating at about a mile a minute. Buck yeah! I did it! I smiled to myself, but then got over my moment. Gotta keep moving. I opened the door and smacked a headcrab midair. Bitch! Step OFF! I stomped on it and kicked a nearby houndeye. I bashed its eyeball-orifice-thing in with my baton, and then bounced. I came to see the conductor, not to fight aliens. I can do this on my way back, I’m just wasting time! I started to fly through each cart, getting closer and closer to the end goal. I would have to dodge the occasional headcrab and sonic boom, but I was on a good pace. I could make it there in record time since I was flying, which, obviously, I’m not normally allowed to do on the train. I opened one last door, and saw her. The conductor. She no longer had a head. It was just... gone. She was leaking blood like a faucet, and I had to try my hardest not to puke right then and there. But unfortunately, disgust won in the end. Cough..OUGHHGGHHHHHH splish... OUYGGGGHHHHHHGGGGGGGHGGGAHHHHAHHH!! Cough.. SPLASH... “Holy shit..” I muttered. I coughed some more and wiped my mouth clean, trying to spit out any remaining taste of acid. It didn’t seem like it was going to go away too soon though, as is expected of vomit. How much did I eat..? What did I eat? I shook my head. That’s not important. I walked up to the conductor and put a hoof on her withers. Or, what was left of them. She was pretty banged up.. I didn’t know you too well, Coal Brightness, but I did know you. And a loss of somepony close to me hurts. Always will. “I’ll miss ya, dude.” I muttered. I mourned the loss of the conductor for a little bit, only interrupted by the sounds of the aliens scratching on the door and the occasional rock hitting the train. Speaking of the train.. Who’s gonna run the train? I can’t do it. I don’t know how these things work. Applejack definitely doesn’t know.. Spike might, he’s an egghead. Gordon? He’s.. out of commission. Heh, heh. My ears flopped down to my head. I pursed my lips, and exited the conductor’s station. When I was tackled to the ground by a houndeye, I had remembered at that very moment.. that maybe... leaving something behind isn’t the best choice when it’s a brutal, violent monster. WHIRRRRRR I looked around for a weapon. Anything good. Anything! My baton had been knocked out of my mouth when I fell. It’s way over there. I noticed a quill just sitting there on the ground. It’ll have to do. I grabbed it with my teeth and stabbed it into the.. eyeballs. It squealed and jumped off of me. I took the chance to run over, grab my baton, and then beat the heck out of the thing. “You-!“ thwack “Stupid-!” wham “Son of a-“ THWACK SPLURCH! When it was nothing more than a few chunks on the ground, I ceased my incessant violence. I stepped over it, and continued walking. I slowly walked back to our cargo cart, beating to hell any alien that dared to still live. I didn’t realize I had zoned out until I was standing at the end of all the carts. No more doors, which means I need to go up. I flew up to the trapdoor and opened it. The high wind forced it open all the way, and I crawled out. I closed it behind me and continued on my way. I almost jumped to the next cart, but even I knew that was a dumb idea. I landed inside the train cart with a loud BANG and brushed myself off. There were some.. Uh, ‘chunks’ on me. Spike bolted upwards at the loud noise, but both Gordon and Applejack slept soundly. Spike glared at me for interrupting his slumber. “Oh, Spikey-Wikey..” I said, imitating Rarity. “Do you know how to stop a train?” I asked in my normal voice. His eyelids lowered slightly, “Why..?” “Uh, the conductor’s.. dead.” I said, nervously pawing the ground. “She’s WHAT?!” He yelled out, standing up quickly. I put a hoof over my mouth and rapidly shushed him, “Shshhshshsh!!! Don’t wake them up!” I whisper-yelled, pointing at AJ and Gord. I looked to the two sleeping beauties and saw Applejack squirm, but stay asleep. Gordon didn’t move. “Okay.. SHE’S WHAT??!!” He whisper-yelled. That’s better. “She’s... dead. Aliens, you know. Which means that someone needs to stop the train when we arrive in Canterlot.” I explained. He rubbed the bridge of his snout and sighed, “Okay, fine. I know how to stop a train. How far away are we from Canterlot?” He asked. I blushed. “Uh, 22 hours?” He groaned and fell to the ground. “Uh.. is it.. red?” Spike asked. I shook my head. “Is it a shape?” I nodded. “A circle?” I nodded. “Well, kinda-” I started to say, but he cut me off. “Up bup bup! No, ‘Kinda’s in 20 questions.” Spike scolded. “Right. Uh, no, it isn’t.” I admitted. He nodded. “Is it a live being?” I shook my head. He put a claw to his chin and began to ponder, I would guess. “Is it a physical object?” He asked. I nodded. “Is it..” He looked out of the train window and over at a residential area. “A house?” I shook my head, but motioned for him to continue. He moved his tongue around inside his mouth, trying to figure out what to say. “Is it.. a house for ponies?” I shook my head. “Damn, okay.. A house for.. animals?” I nodded. “A birds nest?” I shook my head. “A bee hive?” I shook my head, but did the hoof motion for ‘Keep going.’ “A wasp hive!” He shouted out. I nodded, grinning. Spike jumped out of his chair. “Yes! I felt like I was never gonna get it.” He exclaimed. He calmed down from his momentary high and sat back in the chair. “Okay, I got it. Ask away.” He said, leaning back. “Uh.. is it-“ CRASH! I shot up instantly. What was that? “Sounded like it came from the next.. cart... over...” Spike trailed off. I looked at him. “Where Applejack and Gordon are resting..” “SHIT!” We both yelled, and ran to reach the door. Spike got there first and flung it open, grabbing his bat. Applejack froze in place, a soda can in her teeth. She dropped it, causing it to hit the floor and puncture. It started spraying soda everywhere. “Oh, it was just Applejack.” I pointed out. Spike raised an.. eye. “Uh, AJ? You know you can just get up and grab one. You don’t have to act sneaky.” She blushed, and looked down at the floor. “A-Ah know.. Ah was just havin’ a lil fun..” Spike snorted. “Well, carry on.” He turned around, but stopped. He turned back around, “Hey, AJ? Is Gordon awake? We should be approaching Canterlot soon.” Spike asked. We were? How long had we been playing twenty questions? I walked over to my saddlebags and pulled out my pocket watch. 9:00 AM?!? We left the station at like, 10:00 AM! Yesterday! I know the train windows are kept covered unless they’re uncovered by a pony... but did we seriously never check the windows? And Sweet Celestia, AJ and Gordon can sleep for a long time. “I mean, I can try.” Applejack said. Wait, what? What’d I miss? She walked over to Gordon and thwacked his head. “Applejack!” Spike raised his voice. She looked at him with a questioning look. “His head is injured! Also, that’s no way to wake somepony up.” He groaned. Applejack shrugged, and thwacked Gordon’s head again. “Hey, ya need ta wake up and smell the roses, bud.” She bonked his head lightly. “Wake up, we have ta save Equestria!” She bonked her head again. I walked over and joined in. “Wake up.” “Wake up.” “Wake up!” We said at the same time. Spike walked over and joined in as well. “WAKE UP!” “WAKE THE BUCK UP, GORDON!” We all yelled at the top of our lungs. His eyes shot open and he looked around, noticing all of us and taking in the scene of the crime. “Oh, good. He’s up.” Spike said non-chalantly. “W..what happened?” He asked, putting a hand to his forehead. But then sighed, “God, how cliché.” He muttered. They all looked at me. “Hey!” I yelled in protest. “Rainbow Dash hit you over the head with her baton and knocked you out. Does your head hurt?” Spike asked. “Hm? Oh, yeah. It’s killing me. Anyway, why would you do that, Rainbow?” He asked, more disappointed than mad. Yikes, that’s not the tone I wanted. “Uh.. I thought you were an alien.” I admitted sheepishly, scratching the back of my neck. “Ah, perfectly understandable.” He said, and stood up. He quickly lost his balance, but steadied himself with the chair. He walked over and grabbed a bottle of water from the icebox. He gulped it down in record time, throwing the bottle behind his back. He grabbed another one and did the same thing. That was.. impressive. “So..” he said, grabbing a carrot. “What’s the dealio?” He took a bite of said carrot. “We’re almost to Canterlot. It’s about an hour away.” I explained. He nodded, and finished off the carrot, tossing the weird brown part to a nearby trash can. “Kobe!” He yelled out, and completely missed. “Damn it..” he muttered. I snorted. He exaggerated a frown. “Whatever. Unlucky shot.” He tried his best to make up an excuse. “Sure, pal.” He rolled his eyes, but smiled. “So... Anybody wanna play twenty questions?” He asked. I grinned.