Jack-of-all-trades \ ˌjak-əv-ˌȯl-ˈtrādz \ plural jacks-of-all-trades

Definition of jack-of-all-trades: a person who can do passable work at various tasks: a handy versatile person. Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” the sergeant asks as he leans on the wooden desk inside the recruiting office. I look back outside at the dusty street of Appleloosa and nod my head. Causing him to shake his. Then he tells me, “You are a mule, you are exempt from the draft. Heck you can’t even say you are doing this for the foals you might one day sire.”

I look at the old, unicorn stallion behind the desk. I notice the scars on his violet coat and his short cropped green mane and tail. I linger on the spot where his left foreleg used to be and can see the fake leg sticking out of his uniform sleeve. I then look at the poster on the wall behind him showing one of the Steel Rangers Standing tall in its power armor holding up an Equestrian national flag. Above the image are the words, I am doing my part, are You?

That cinches it for me. I look the sergeant in the face and tell him, “Yes, I am. I am just as much an Equestrian citizen as the next pony.”

I see him laugh a bit at that, “Son, you aren’t even a real pony. Look at ya. Long ears, skinny build, heck not even a cutie mark. But if you really want ta, sure, I will sign you up. So, what is your specialty?”

I feel myself blush a bit at this as I have not yet found one job I really excel at, but I do know how to do a lot, so I tell him, “I am a jack of all trades.”

He is still trying to fight down a laugh when he tells me, “Well, being a male mule is also called a jack, I just thought maybe you were making light of it.”

I smile at the confusion and laugh lightly myself at the misunderstanding caused by my wording. Well if I can get him to laugh, perhaps the day is not so bad.

I see him look up at me and he asks, “Any relation to the Cakes over in Ponyville?”

I smile at that, and nod my head, “Distant relations, that side of the family doesn’t like to claim my mother, sister or me. You know how it is, since mom married a donkey.”

I see him nod his head, “Yeah, that’s too bad, but it happens in all families I guess,” then he shifts the subject back to business, “Ok, sit down and I will begin the paper work for you.”

I sit down and we begin to fill out the paperwork. It takes about an hour for me to hurriedly read and sign all of the forms. Once I am done, he then says, “Thank goodness you can read, lately we have been getting an influx of recruits who can’t. It takes a lot longer that way.”

He smiles and tells me, “Return in the morning, I will have you see the town doctor for a physical, if everything checks out, tomorrow afternoon I will put you on a train for one of the bootcamps. After that it is wherever the army sends you.”

I nod my head and smile, “Thank you sir, I appreciate it. I will see you in the morning.”

After that I head to my hotel room and make a quick phone call to my mom on a payphone in the lobby.

“Hi ma. I just wanted to let you know I only have to take a physical in the morning and then I should be off for bootcamp.”

I hear her sigh through the phone, “Johnny are you sure? You really don’t have to do this. Your job here in Harness is important enough.”

I love her and I know she loves me so she is worried, but we have had this argument already. Still I tell her, “Ma, I know that and I understand. But ever since what happened at the Littlehorn School I have felt I needed to do something and now with what those damn stripes tried at Shattered Hoof, I have to stand up and fight ma. Digging in the ground is not going to satisfy my conscious anymore.”

I hear her start to cry and her voice cracks as she tells me, “Ok, you’re a stallion now and I can’t tell you what to do anymore. But please be careful, pray to the Goddesses and know we love you dear.”

The phone call is interrupted by the operator’s voice, “That will be two bits to continue talking for another three minutes.”

I slide the bits into the phone and tell my mother, “Sorry ma, I am going to have to go soon. I love you and will miss all of you. I will come home again as soon as I can.” I tell her, hoping I can, but not sure if I will be able to.

“Take care ma. Give everyone my love and I will write as soon as I can.” I tell her then I hang up the phone.

I turn around and am surprised to see a unicorn and pegasus in black suits and sunglasses behind me. First thing I think is Great it’s the Pinks. But why would they be interested in me? Then I realize they are my second cousins, Pound and Pumpkin. They look me up and down and then Pound Cake says, “We need to talk. Follow us.”

I follow them down the street and down an alleyway. Once there Pumpkin and Pound lead me down the stairs into a business’s basement. As we enter, I see a chair with several bright lights pointed at it. I also see several unicorns there. Most are in black suits like the twins, but one is in a Ministry of Peace uniform and is sitting quietly to the side.

Once inside I am led to the seat and told to take it, which I do without a fuss. Then Pumpkin asks me, “Do you know why we are here?”

I then hear Pound Cake say, “Johnny, it’s good to see you too, but I wish it was under better circumstances.”

I am confused at this and ask, “Why? What is wrong? All I did was join the army.”

I see them look at each other. Then Pumpkin tells me, “Johnny, you know that the residents of Harness are not supposed to join the service don’t you.”

“I guess,” I say reluctantly, “But I never understood why.” I just work at the town repairing small appliances and such, I never have even gone near the new mine.”

Pound then pounces forward, his wings flaring slightly, and says, “But you know what they mine there and that is enough.”

I am confused by this and tell him, “What, the sulfur and salt?” That is nothing, the damn stripes would care less about those. Now if we were talking coal or something like that, well I could see keeping it quiet.”

The twins look at each other and then Pumpkin nods to one of the other unicorns who comes over and her horn lights up and she touches it to my forehead. I cannot help but scream in pain at first. Then the pain stops. She steps back and the light on her horn goes out.

The unicorn agent steps back and tells them. “He’s clear. He doesn’t know anything.”

I see Pumpkin and Pound nod their heads. Then I see a side door to the basement room open and in walks the Ministry Mare herself. I recognize her not only from all the posters and the newspapers, but also, I remember meeting her at the last cake family reunion my mother took us too.

She smiles as she walks over to me and tells me, “It is good to see you again Johnny. I guess you won’t be around for your birthday, being you will be in training and all, so Happy Birthday early.”

I am very surprised that she remembered it, then she surprises me and tells me, “Johnny, I need you to do something very important for me.”

I nod my head and wait to hear what it is. When she continues, she tells me, “I am afraid we may have zebra agents and sympathizers in the army. I want you to watch for them and let me know if you think somepony is one. Got that?”

I again nod as I tell her, “Uh, yeah, I can do that. I would have done that anyways.”

She smiles and puts a hoof along my cheek and says, “I know you would. But I don’t want you to let anyone in your command know. You can let me know by writing a letter to Pumpkin. If you tell Pumpkin somepony is not feeling right, we will know to check them out. Ok?”

She smiles even wider, if that is possible and says, “See, I knew you were a smart mule. By the way, don’t tell anypony I was here.”

“Yes ma’am, I know better. Everybody knows not to say anything about the Pinks.”

I see her start to look frustrated and she shakes her head, “I hate them calling my agents the Pinks. Too bad they just cannot think of it as MoM is watching over us instead of the Pinks are after us,” she says then lets out a big sigh and then tells me, “Ok, you are free to go then. Remember to tell nopony and that I am watching you, Forever.”

Then I watch as she walks out of the room. The other agents other than Pumpkin and Pound follow her. They both lead me back the way I came to my hotel.

Once we are in the lobby, Pumpkin gives me a brief hug and tells me, “Good luck Johnny. I look forward to your letters.”

After she steps away Pound steps up and offers me a hoof and we shake as he tells me, “Take care cousin. Give the stripes hell for us and the rest of the family.”

“I will Pound. Both of you take care and I will write. Do I still use the old address or are you at a new outlet now?”

They both smile at each other and tell me, “Oh, we still work out of the Ponyville store, so just mail your letters there.”

Then we exchange a hug and hoofshake once more and they are gone as quickly as they arrived. I then head up to my room and as I settle in for the night, I wonder what the next few days will bring.

0-0-0-0

Two days later I am on the train heading to Fillydelphia, bound for the recruit training center there, after which I will attend advanced training with the combat engineers. We pull into a decent sized city in the middle of farm country. I see in the distance a large factory being built. I am so busy staring at it and the other sights I almost miss the sign saying Welcome to Manesville.

We stop at the station there and as I look out the window, I notice a large number of cattle mixed in with the ponies here. I am almost fascinated at how there are more cows and bulls I can see working than unicorns. I never have seen cattle in such roles before. I guess the war really is changing everything. My fascination changes a bit though when I see a bull get onto the car and he notices the seat next to me is empty so he takes it, causing me to be a bit tighter in my seat than I had wanted to be.

I smile at him and he says, “Hi,” as he sticks out a hoof. “It’s good to meet you. My name is Sweet Corn, what’s yours?”

I smile at his innocence and I tell him, “That is because I am a mule, not a pony.”

So, I explain to him what a mule is and he smiles and says, “So you don’t have a cutie mark either, that is good to hear. I was beginning to think it was just me.”

I tilt my head when he says this and ask, “Sweet Corn, you don’t get out much do ya?” I had expected the normal comments about how I look, my ears or how skinny I am, not just that we both do not have cutie marks.

He shakes his head, “No, my family rarely left the farm. But now I am on my way to see the world. Yesterday I signed up for the army.”

“Oh, I hear you on that Johnny. I want to go and fight for our country and prove to them I am just as good as any pony.”

His attitude seems to be infectious and while I am physically uncomfortable, I am starting to enjoy his company.

After this we begin to talk to each other about our families and what our homes are like. I find it fascinating to listen to him talk about his people. But I am also surprised at how much he loves Equestria and the Goddesses Luna and Celestia. I never thought that cattle would even think about such things.

Once we arrive at Fillydelphia we see a sign on the wall of the train platform with an arrow pointing towards the station stating, Arriving Recruits Report in at the Equestrian Service Office.

Both Sweets and I grab our bags and head in that direction. As we are walking, I see my first zebra and I just about trip over my hoofs that no one is doing anything about him. Sweets notices him and says, “It’s ok Johnny, he has red stripes, that means he is on our side.”

He nods his head and then waves the zebra over to us. The zebra is about our ages and has a slightly worried and confused look on his face. When he is close, he asks. “Pray tell, you could direct me to the ESO?”

Sweets smiles at him and says, “Sure, we are heading that way, come along with us if you want,” he pauses and then sticks out his hoof and says, “Oh, by the way, I am Sweet Corn and my friend here is Johnny Cake.”

The stipe sticks out his hoof and tells him, “A pleasure to meet you my bovine friend, I am Xerxes.”

I watch them shake hooves so I extend mine and reluctantly shake hooves with him before we continue on our way to the station.

Once we are inside the station, we follow the other arrows pointing us where to go. We are near the ESO office when I notice a small bar combination restaurant off to the side and suggest we grab something to eat before we report in. As the three of us start to enter I see a green unicorn mare with her bags next to her start laughing out loud. My companions both look at each other and me and I hear Xerxes ask, “I wonder what it is that she finds so funny?”

That makes up my mind so I decide to go over and ask her. Once I am next to her, I question her, “Excuse me ma’am, but I could not help but notice that you seemed to find myself and my companions very funny, could I ask why?”

I see her try and pull herself back together and then she starts laughing some more. Finally, she stops laughing and wipes her eyes and looks me straight in the face and tells me, “Really this has to be a joke right.”

Still trying not to laugh she says, “A bull, a mule and a zebra walk into a bar…”

I immediately look at my companions and have a mild laugh, “Yes, I get it now, sorry for bothering you ma’am.”

She finally gets full control of herself and says, “Sorry, I just found it very ironic, now where would a group like you three be going together?”

By this time my companions have arrived next to me and Xerxes answers her, “We are going to have a meal before we report to the ESO. It seems all three of us are heading to recruit training today.”

When he says this, I watch as her ears perk up and she tells us, “Well, so am I. You can call me Clover Leaf.”

We all then introduce ourselves and she joins us for our last meal before reporting in. During our meals we begin to talk about ourselves and where we are from. Xerxes it turns out comes from Hoofington. His father and mother are both professors at the university there. His father is the head of anthropology.

Clover Leaf lets us know that she is from Manehatten. In fact, her parents live downtown there and are very disappointed in her decision to enlist. I find that very interesting, as well as the fact her father works for some company called Four Stars and wanted her to work there also.

She smiles and giggles as she tells me, “Mostly mistakes according to my father. I am not really sure what they make, but I know he works a lot with computers.”

After we eat, we all go to the ESO and find about 30 other recruits all waiting there also. The mare behind the desk at the door tells us, “Go ahead and take a seat. The next bus will depart in another hour.”

The four of us sit together and continue on our conversations from earlier. Finally, we hear an authoritative voice call out, “All new recruits heading to Camp Box Crib grab your bags and, on your hooves, move it, move it, move it!”

We grab our bags and head out the door and follow the soldier at a quick trot to a white painted bus. I am surprised when I see it and I notice that there is no team pulling it. Instead I see an earth pony sitting behind a round device to control the vehicle where the normal team driver would be. I then realize it must be magic spark powered. Beside me I hear Sweet Corn say, I heard about these, they are supposed to start making them in Manesville at the carriage plant.”

The pony that led us to the bus then gets on and tells us, “Now keep your mouths shut. When we arrive at the base you will get off the bus. There are yellow hoof marks on the ground each recruit will stand on a set. You will look forward and you will not speak unless spoken too. Finally, if you are asked a question you will answer with Sir yes sir, or Ma’am, yes Ma’am depending on the gender of the person requesting the information. Do you understand me?”

He nods his head and then says something to the driver. The door closes and we begin the ride to Camp Box Crib.”

Once there, we pull up outside a large white painted building with a sign that says Receiving Building on it in large black letters. In front of it are two rows of yellow hoof marks painted on the ground. Once stopped I see three large ponies, two unicorns and one earth pony, come out of the Receiving Building at a quick trot. All three of them have on wide brimmed hats and are in full uniform. The Earth pony jumps onto the bus and starts to scream, “On your hooves and go stand on a set of painted hoof marks, move it, now ponies, MOVE!”

We all jump up and are moving before we realize it. Even though we are in the middle we are still out and moving towards yellow hoof marks before the last ponies are even off the bus.

I end up standing on Clover Leaf’s right side. On my right is Sweet Corn and on his other side is Xerces. As we stand there the rest of the recruits fall in also. The three ponies in the wide brimmed hats look us over and then the yellow Unicorn with the short-trimmed mane and tail says in a feminine voice that makes me realize she is a mare, “Good Morning Recruits, I am First Sergeant Yellow Haze. I am your senior drill instructor. The other two are Staff Sergeant Round Bale,” at which time the brown earth pony with a black mane and tail steps forward, “And Sergeant Cable Run. WE will be making you into soldiers. All three of us are combat vets from the Hoofington front, so listen up if we tell you something. DO you understand me?”

I see her look disgusted and she asks again, “I Can’t Hear You! Do You Understand me?”

This time we yell out louder and more in sequence with each other, “Ma’am, Yes Ma’am.”

“Now that is better. In a few minutes we will take you inside, you will each be given a two-minute phone call to let your families or whoever is important to you, know you have arrived. After this we will begin to inprocess you.”

Then she looks over at myself, Sweet Corn and Xerxes all standing next to each other and shakes her head. “She approaches us and asks, is this some kind of joke, is that what this is?”

Then she looks at Sweets and me and says, “Ok, so you two are in this through thick and thin I see.” Beside me I see Xerxes trying not to laugh as I know all too well how narrow I am built and how awkward it has to seem next to Sweet Corn’s build.

From there the next few weeks go very quickly as we turn in our civilian gear with the exception of some pictures from home and whatever few bits, we have with us. The rest is put into storage until we finish boot camp. We also receive our initial issue of uniforms.

I end up doing exercises for over an hour one time because I begin to laugh at the reactions of the supply clerks when they see Sweet Corn show up. One of them is so surprised he exclaims, “Bloody Tartarus, do we even have a tent big enough for him to wear?”

I start to laugh and I hear the supply clerk say, “So you think we are here for your amusement, huh.” He waves a hoof and suddenly I have all three DI’s there chewing me out and discussing my parentage. Which is mildly amusing again when one of them says, “You are no better than a mule.”

I can’t help myself, I grin and tell him, “Sir, I am a mule sir.” That goes over ever better. They all do seem to be amused though when they make me do an exercise that they call Mule Kicks. This has me start at the position of attention, drop myself into a pushup position with my hindquarters raised. Then I have to kick straight back. Return my legs to their position and then go back to attention. I add one more reputation for each set and I continue to go until the tell me to stop. By then I am lathered in sweet and can barely keep my ears up. This is something I never want to do again, but I do end up repeating several times, both by myself as with the rest of members of my recruit platoon.

In the third week I receive a letter from my cousin Pound. He lets me know that he has heard that I have a zebra friend and that I should be careful of what others may think of this. I quickly write him back,

you and your sister Pumpkin have nothing to worry about. Yes, he is my friend and I keep him close for a reason. He is one of the most loyal stallions I have ever met. Among my friends are also a good bull named Sweet Corn and a unicorn mare named Clover Leaf. Now I do have another recruit though who is a draftee that has tried to make inroads to my friend about trying to help his kind. Two Tone does seem a bit disgruntled and could probably use someone to talk to as he does seem to be feeling right. It is too bad he does not seem to want to seek help though.

I can not wait to see you all again, and will buy you both a nice hot Sweet Apple Acres cider when we do. Take care of yourselves and I hope sales are doing well at the shop. Tell your ma and pa hi for me also.

The next week Two Tone is sent over the medical for a health check. We never see him again; however, I do see his bags being packed and his personal effect collected. The DI’s tell us he was found to have an underlying health issue and was being sent home. But I have a feeling I know the real story as that day while I am transiting the base to catch out to my training platoon, I think I see Two Tone in the distance with what looked like two “Pinks” escorting him. His head is down as are his ears and his tail. Part of me feels sorry for him, but part of me realizes I would not want to share a fox hole with him.

Overall bootcamp for us is typical except for after the sixth week we are allowed to sing while on the march. We are on our way out for an overnight bivouac several miles from the barracks when I hear the sergeant tell us, “Go ahead and sing.”

From next to me Xerxes begins one we heard another unit singing during our first week, I hear him begin,

I'll march away to the firing line, and kill that Zebra soldier and kill that Zebra soldier

I see the grins on our fellow recruits faces as they realize who is singing it and they begin to join it as well.

And go and join in the bloody fight till this cruel war is over, till this cruel war is over

Next, I notice that Sergeant Cable Run is singing with us and our pace has sped up from a walk to a slow trot.

Oh, who will protect my wife and foal and care for my aged mother and care for my aged mother

We continue across the post with our full loads on our backs at a trot as we continue singing.

I'll give my all to the Equestrian cause and die in the Equestrian army and die in the Equestrian army

I begin to notice that we are now outside the main part of the base and even though we are running up and down hills as we sing we are not tiring as easily.

Oh, here's my heart and here's my hoof upon my country's altar, upon my country's altar

We'll drive the mercenary horde beyond our Equestrian border, beyond our Equestrian border

As the song winds down, I see Sergeant Cable Run trotting next to Xerxes and I hear him ask, “You do realize that you are a Zebra soldier, don’t you recruit?”

Then I hear Xerxes reply, “Sir, this recruit is not a Zebra soldier, he is an Equestrian soldier who happens to be a zebra, a slight but important difference sir!”

I see the sergeant want to get angry for being contradicted but then I hear our First Sergeant, Yellow Haze call over to them, “You are very correct recruit, good answer,” she pauses then says, “At the Canter, March!” and we pick up speed again.

That night we simulate being on campaign and have to dig entrenchments with the short shovels that they issued us. I think back to telling my mother how I would not be satisfied with just digging in the earth. I look at myself and my comrades digging and smile to myself at the irony. Then I think it could be worse, it could be raining, and low and behold, as if Discord had heard me, it starts to rain. So instead of digging in the dirt, now I am digging in the mud. And it gets everywhere, and I mean everywhere.

Staff Sergeant Round Bale comes by and sees us digging and grins as he tells us, “Yeah, out in no mare’s land the weather is wild now, so we want you to get used to operating in it. Welcome to the army mares and bucks.”

I hear several of the others in my squad and platoon complain. Myself, I can’t help but laugh at how ludicrous it all is. I may laugh, but I do so around the shovel in my teeth as I continue to dig.

Overall, during our training we begin to find out what some of the skills of a soldier are and what we are good at. Myself, I am fairly good at most of them, but not spectacular. Not like Rowdy Kicker, the earth pony mare from Seaddle who excels at hoof to hoof. Nor am I like Long Shot the unicorn who is so good with a rifle that he is told that he will be recommended for sniper training. But I do make it through. We also find out about ourselves and how we can do more and endure more than we ever imagined.

It is during our last week of training when we get told of what field we are going to be assigned to. Beside me I hear Sweet Corn repeating, “Come on artillery.”

They begin to call our names and assignments, I really am concerned most about my friends and I first hear, “Clover Leaf, Combat Engineers.” I see a slight look of disappointment on her face as she had hoped for a tech job such as signal corps or even combat medic.

Then I hear my name called, “Johnny Cake, you’re going to the Combat Engineers.” For some reason I am not surprised and I think to myself, thank the Goddesses that it was not the infantry.

I am not fully paying attention to most of the others, but then I hear, “Sweet Corn, Combat Engineers.”

Beside me I hear him whisper, “Well at least I will have some friends there.” I nod my head yes and put a hoof on his shoulder.

Then I hear, “Xerxes, Combat Engineers.” I see his ears go forward and his jaw drop. I know he had been bucking for Officers Candidate School and I really thought he would have been a shoe in for OCS. I mean he really did do better then most of the rest of us overall.

After he finishes reading the orders, Staff Sergeant Round Bale calls out, “Ok, all of you being sent to the engineers meet me in the courtyard in ten minutes,” then he leaves the barracks bay.

Ten minutes later the four of us and a couple of others are standing at attention in the courtyard waiting for him. He approaches us and tells us, “At ease, I just wanted to say, you are all going into my main field of expertise. I know you all feel you dodged a bullet by getting this instead of the infantry, but I will tell you the truth, you didn’t. Cause not only do we have to fight like the infantry, we also have to do our jobs. If you remember nothing else of what I have told you, remember these words when you get out there, Breach or Bypass, especially when you are out in No mare’s land it’s that simple. Any questions?”

I see Xerxes raise a hoof and he asks, “Staff Sergeant, what is it like in the combat engineers? What are our specialties?”

I watch as Round Bale looks at all of us and smiles when he sees me, and tells us, “Combat Engineers are the Jacks of all trades of the army.”

Fallout Equestria: Alphabet soup

by Doomande

Before the Bombs: Jack of All Trades By Trooper