Chapter Nine
Sleep With One Eye Open.
Twilight felt like screaming. This whole situation felt like it was escalating to something, but she wasn’t sure what. The more she pushed this pony, the more she pushed back. The more she tried to get answers, the more elusive they became. After Heartbreak left, Twilight began to pace.
“Twilight, are you alright?” Spike asked.
“Oh, I’m just great, Spike. Just. Great,” Twilight replied.
Spike Gave a concerned look. “Right, come on Twi’, this is Spike you’re talking to.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. She knew better than to hide her feelings from Spike. “Alright, fine, I’m not so great. This whole day has been one big stress piled on top of another stress due to that-”
Spike closed the door as Twilight’s voice started to raise. “You know, she’s downstairs.”
“So?” Twilight said, exasperatedly.
“So, she could hear you, Twilight,” Spike said, looking sympathetic.
“At this point in time, I am not sure if I care if she hears me, Spike!” Twilight replied angrily.
Spike frowned at Twilight. “You don’t really mean that, Twilight.”
Twilight looked on the verge of tears. There was something here that she couldn’t put her hoof on about this situation. First there was the hoof, now there was the way that Owlowiscious was reacting to Heartbreak. She stomped her hoof down.
“Come on Twilight,” Spike began. “Tell me what’s really wrong.”
What was really wrong? Was she over analyzing the situation and blind to something? Maybe she was letting her feelings get in the way of what the problem was. Twilight took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. “I,” Twilight began.
“Yes?” Spike asked.
“I think I’m afraid,” Twilight replied.
“Afraid? Afraid of what?” Spike asked.
“Well, of a lot of things regarding Heartbreak.” She began. Spike gave her a disapproving look. “Let me gather my thoughts out here, Spike.”
“Alright,” Spike replied.
“I’m afraid that she isn’t trying hard enough, I’m afraid that she doesn’t want to try.” Twilight sighed a bit. “I know she cares about this, but it’s almost like,” Twilight shook her head.
“Almost like what, Twilight?” Spike asked.
Twilight fell to the ground and looked out the window. It was the window that Heartbreak came crashing through. A few droplets of blood that had stained her floor, signifying the spot where she had landed. “Almost like they set her up to fail.”
Spike blinked. “You mean those nine?”
“I didn’t want to say it in front of her, Spike, she still has so many hurdles to face. Plus, I can’t imagine anypony being so cruel,” Twilight explained. “These were beings that she once loved, once cared for. I understand that she broke their hearts, but what I don’t understand is why they felt the need to subject her to all these things. And it frustrates me to no end that she won’t explain why!”
“Twilight...” Spike reached over to comfort her.
“I know I have said it before, Spike, but it’s just...It’s like she has all the answers but won’t give us any of them! And I haven’t got a clue why she won’t! What’s worse is that when I push for answers, all she does is push back!” Twilight sighed in frustration. “I’m almost afraid that everything she does is going to be like this.”
Spike pulled out a picture from behind his back. It was a more recent drawing that Heartbreak had done. “Not everything is like that, Twilight.”
Twilight looked at the picture. It was a good improvement from what she had seen her produce. There were a few smudges, a few wavy lines, but Twilight blinked curiously at what she saw. It was a bit of a strange, unexpected surprise, a happy drawing of sorts. It was of Spike and her in the library, Spike was reaching for a book and she was getting it down for him with her magic. Twilight opened her mouth as to say something and then closed it. Frowning, she finally sighed.
“She drew this with her hoof, didn’t she?” Twilight finally asked.
Spike rolled his eyes. “Does that really matter?”
Twilight rested her head down on her hooves. “I’m not sure anymore.”
“Look, Twi’, It’s late,” he replied, putting a hand on her shoulder. “How about I make you something to eat, then we get some rest and tomorrow you can tell H.B. your idea. I’m sure after a good night’s sleep, everything will be a bit better.”
Twilight smiled. Spike always seemed to know the right thing to say. “That sounds like a really good idea, Spike.”
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I feel like such a screw up right now.
Why the hell was I reacting like that? What the hell was wrong with me? Why did everything that Twilight say sound like it was some sort of attack? Speaking of attacks, why the fucking hell did Owlowiscious even attack me!? All I did was come up the stairs and say hello. And what happens? Razor sharp claws and a beak come screaming at me. Did I say something or do something that could have instigated this attack?
I shake my head. “No, you’re not the one to blame here. You didn’t do anything to Owlowiscious. But then why did he attack me?!” Right now I am not helping myself feel any better about the situation. I am doing what I normally do when I feel terrible about myself: Sulk in the darkness.
“At least I’m not pretending that there is a bright pink goth bunny in my head telling me that I’m a worthless piece of human garbage. I guess the conversation between Mi and Yu did some good. But at the same time H.B., you’re not doing yourself any favors. You’re just avoiding a problem and the ones who could possibly help you with said problem,” I think to myself. “Ugh, why is this so hard?!”
In frustration, I rest my head against my hooves and then stare out the window. Amazingly, it completely changes what I am feeling. The Equestrian night is quite beautiful. A sea of stars litter the sky, the moon is hanging just low enough for me to see it. It’s so pristine, so perfect. Almost too perfect. I rub my eyes and look back at the scene. I guess that part of me is still in disbelief of the world I find myself in. Of course, the fact that I just rubbed my eyes with fuzzy ankles kind of smacks that doubt back into its place.
A draft around my back end makes me shudder and I attempt to kick the blanket that is covering me over that set of hooves. I hate thinking them as my ‘back hooves’. I could call them ‘,what used to be my feet,’ but that seems like a cumbersome of a way of putting it. And attempting to do this is reminding me that, while I miss my fingers, I miss my toes as well. Oh sure, they aren’t as nimble as the other great apes, but human toes can still be used for grasping and picking things up. I eventually get the blanket where it needs to be, but it takes a lot longer than I think it should.
My ear swivels and I hear the door upstairs opening. Spike most likely has finally calmed Twilight down from our argument. At this moment, I am so confused and conflicted by this. Why? Because there is a part of me that wants someone like Spike. Someone that will tell me that everything will be alright, that we’ll get through this, and that all my worry and fear is for nothing. But, Spike can’t be that someone. Spike is that someone else for Twilight. To try to take that from Twilight would be unfair. It would be irrational, it would be just wrong. And yet, there is a part of me that is jealous of their relationship - well, their friendship - and wants to do exactly that.
Ironically, I used to be ‘that someone’ for Her. It makes me question exactly how stable I really was. Was I really the strong one? All it took for me to break was to lose it all. But really, when most people, ‘lose it all,’ they really haven’t lost it all. Not really, they always have some-
“H.B.?” Spike’s voice interrupted my train of thought. “Are you asleep?”
I wonder if I should answer. Damn it! Stop second guessing yourself...H.B...Just make a choice and live with the consequences here! Maybe talking to him might make you feel better about what happened up there. Maybe-
“H.B.?” Spike repeats.
“No Spike, I’m not asleep yet,” I finally reply.
“I just wanted to check to see if you were alright,” he says tentatively. “And to see if you’ve regained your appetite.”
“I’m,” I pause to figure out what I am. I let out a soft sigh. “fine.” Damn, that was so quiet that I’m not sure I heard it. “And no, I’m still not hungry.”
“Are you sure there, H.B.?” He asks me.
“Yes, I am pretty sure that I’m not-” Just then my stomach decides to air a formal protest in the form of a loud growl. “hungry..”
“Uh-hu, right.” He replies. There is a quiet pause between us. “Are you sure you’re ok?”
I grimace. “I’m not really sure of much right now, Spike.”
“Other than that your stomach is saying that you’re hungry,” Spike replies.
“Every part of me is saying something, Spike.” I reply, pulling a errant pillow under my head.
I swear I can hear Spike rolling his eyes and feel the little dragon slumping. “Well, if you and your parts come to an agreement about actually being hungry,” my ears flick back and there is the grating sound of what has to be a plate being set down on the floor, “I made a sandwich for you. You should eat it, it’ll help you feel better.”
There is another pause of quiet between us, which once again is broken by my stomach growling at me. I hear the plate being slid closer to me. “Thank you,” I finally say. “And goodnight, Spike.”
“Goodnight, H.B.” he replies, going back upstairs.
I stare blankly outside, Spike is a good friend, but he’s Twilight’s friend. I smack myself for thinking that. “That doesn’t mean that he can’t be yours too you know. It doesn’t even mean that you can’t be friends with Twilight! But...do you even deserve friends? You had friends before, and what happened? They were taken away from you.” I frown and shake my head from these thoughts. What the fuck. What sort of talk is that? “I’ll tell you what type of talk that is, H.B.: Stupid Talk. There is no reason you can’t try to act less like a Gilda and more like a friend. No. Reason!” Rolling over, I look at the sandwich. The parliament of my body has come to a consensus on its fate. “Spike is most likely right. I’m hungry and suffering from low blood sugar.” It’s a tomato, cucumber and mayo sandwich. Nothing fancy, but rather tasty. I turn and stare at the ceiling. Spike was right, that did make me feel better.
Smiling a bit, I rest my hooves on my chest and prepare to fall asleep. “Things will get better if you let them, H.B.” I think to myself. “Tomorrow is a new day and we’ll see if I can practice more with my hooves. One step at a time.” As I am about to relax, a near terrifying sound reaches my ears.
“Whooooooo!” it calls out. My eyes snap open and I see two yellow eyes in a distant tree through the library window. “Whoooooo!” Owlowiscious is out there, watching me. I can just make out the expression on his face. Two very angry yellow eyes. Slowly, I take the blanket in my teeth and rear my mouth back to throw the blanket over my head.
A quiet and scared meep escapes my lips while one thought passes through my head as I cower beneath the thin sheet of fabric. “It’s going to be a while before I actually get any real sleep.”