//------------------------------//
// Chapter 22: Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder 
// Story: Human 
// by DannyJ 
//------------------------------//

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that sometimes, life will just shit all over you. I like to think of my life so far as one gigantic long rope of a turd, continuously coming out a guy's asshole and piling up in the bottom of a toilet. In this metaphor, the toilet represents my mind, and the water, yellowed with piss, is my sanity and self respect. The giant ass which is producing all this shit is in fact God, and slowly, as my life passes by, that shit is rising to ever higher levels.

By now, because I have lived so long, there is so much of that faecal matter in the toilet that you can barely see the water anymore. It's just all crap. And similarly, my sanity has vanished beneath the pile of brown that is my memories.

In the end, that guy will finish reading the newspaper and get off the toilet, and if you're following the metaphor so far, that indicates my death. And once that has happened, there is no chance of ever getting untainted pure water out of that mess. I'll die an insane, raging, vengeful alcoholic, and when all is said and done, all we'll be left with is the tremendous spectacle of the legacy I left behind.

In the real world context, that means history will remember me forever. In the context of our metaphor, think of how massive that turd must be! The toilet would be fucking overflowing! The shit would be piled up so high that the guy's knuckles would brush against it when he goes to wipe his ass! Can you even imagine?!

Anyway, thanks for reading. You've been a darn good sport about this whole thing. Especially about me murdering you. Good times.

Your faithful student, master, overlord,
Lord Second Funkmaster Fantastic.


***


"ATTENTION. ALL CANTERLOT REFUGEES REPORT TO THE CARGO HOLD IN THIRTY MINUTES. REPEAT. ALL CANTERLOT REFUGEES REPORT TO THE CARGO HOLD IN THIRTY MINUTES."

Soft Spoken looked up at the ceiling as the speakers blared, as did many of the other ponies now crowding the cafeteria. In contrast to the previous night, the entire room was bustling with hundreds of ponies lining up for a breakfast of their choice, being dispensed by an extremely loud robot chef.

Gold Coin sat across from the old stallion, seemingly ignoring the message as he munched on a slice of white bread toast, and next to him, Explodey was prodding his scrambled eggs with a fork, as if they were something he had never seen before.

"What are the refugees wanted in the cargo hold for?" he asked.

Gold Coin held up a hoof, indicating for him to wait a moment so he could finish his toast.

"...Relocation," he said once he swallowed, "Tome said that though the Prometheus has served as adequate temporary housing for the refugees while Explodey was still rejecting them, now that they're all out and have rested up and been fed, we need to offload them somewhere so that the Brotherhood can use the ship to continue their plans."

"Really?"

"Yes. So Blueblood has been negotiating with the mayor of Ponyville, hoping to get rid of as many of them as possible here, before we have to move on. The wealthy Canterlot elite probably have other properties or can afford to rent or buy them elsewhere in Equestria, but of course we didn't just evacuate the elite. The lower and middle classes need a place to stay as well. Ponyville being full of such charitable souls, we're hoping they might have space here for them, and that we won't have to drop them all off in some Manehattan hostel."

"Guys!"

The three ponies looked over to see Chain Mail approaching, holding a newspaper in his mouth.

"You are not going to believe this," he said as he dropped it on the table.

A copy of the Equestria Daily lied before them. Three quarters of the page were taken up by a picture of Canterlot mountain split in two. The city itself was located halfway down the left side, while the right side sagged almost to the point of falling over. In bold capital letters beneath it was the headline:

EQUESTRIA'S FINISHED!

"...The mountain was split open?" Softy said disbelievingly, "When did that happen?!"

"I don't know," Chain Mail answered, "But that's a real picture. I saw it myself outside while I was wandering Ponyville. That's when I picked this up. I've read it through entirely. They're saying that with the fall of Canterlot, Equestria no longer has any centralised government. It's basically anarchy now. Or so they say."

"What?!" Gold Coin replied, "No fucking way! The princesses are still alive, and so's a good majority of Canterlot's ponies. Sure, the city was destroyed, but the people in charge are still around, and even if they weren't, there are still high ranking officials and representatives of the government based in every major city! Surely if Canterlot was wiped out, that just means that Manehattan or Hoofington takes over running the country?"

"Yes, that is the system," Chain Mail confirmed, "Don't believe what the papers say. This is just sensationalism. The end of civilization is for some reason a very appealing idea to some ponies. Make no mistake, it takes a lot more than this to kill a nation. This has a lot of ponies worried though."

"...Where's Mystic?" asked Softy.

"Huh?" the captain responded.

"Where's Mystic?"

"...Oh! Right, yeah! He's in the clinic. Sliske got back to him last night, and he's been ill with something, which he says should not be possible. So once Night Shroud was done helping with Explodey, he decided to stay up the rest of the night to look at Sliske too, since he was trained as a field medic and thus is the closest thing we have to a qualified doctor. Mystic and I stayed the night in the clinic, and he was still asleep when I left."

"ATTENTION. ALL ELEMENTS OF HARMONY AND ROYAL ALICORNS TO THE BRIDGE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES. REPEAT. ALL ELEMENTS OF HARMONY AND ROYAL ALICORNS TO THE BRIDGE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES."

"...What the hell do they want with us now?"


***


Second sighed as he awoke and stretched his arms.

"...No nightmares this time..." he mused, "Things are finally looking up."

"THEY SURE ARE, FAGGOT!"

The human screamed in surprise and tumbled out of the bed along with the covers. He scrambled to get back onto his feet again, making sure to hold the quilt cover around himself, as he slept naked. Also, so did his least favourite hallucination, apparently.

"Hi there, Howard. Been a while, hasn't it?" said Sexuality.

"Oh fuck...I forgot there were more of you people..."

Maybe it was a rather baseless assumption, but after he shot his conscience in the face, Second was certain that the others wouldn't be bothering him anymore. Unfortunately, this did not seem to be the case. Sexuality was still with him, and just like Conscience was last time he was seen alive, he was now fully sized instead of being a miniature man who occupied his shoulder.

"Now that's not very nice. I'm only here to do my job."

"And that is?"

"To get you laid. You're so tense all the time! Need to loosen up! That's why I'm here."

"Sexuality, you cannot even begin to comprehend the sheer magnitude of the fuck I do not give. Please die, slowly and painfully."

"Not until you screw someone."

Second's eyes scanned the room.

"You know what? Never mind. I'll kill you myself. Where's my shotgun?"

Suddenly, the hallucination started to treat things more seriously.

"Hey now, Howie, don't do anything you'll regret..."

The human smiled as he located the familiar SPAS-12 laying on the floor on the other side of the bed, and telekinetically pulled it into his hands.

"Don't worry. I won't regret anything. I killed my conscience, remember?"

Just as he began to load the shotgun though, Sexuality suddenly leapt off the bed like a ninja and smashed a foot into Second's face, knocking him back against the wall where he slumped down in a heap, still covered only by the quilt.

"Sorry, Howard. I can't let you be killing me and the other hallucinations. We're still needed to drive the story forward."

Second's head poked out from underneath the quilt.

"Drink a can of bleach, you fucking parasite."

Then he jumped again, and before Second could even blink, the naked man was on top of him, grabbing his hair with one hand and punching him in the face with the other.

"I'm not fucking around anymore, Howard!" he shouted, "You start listening to me when I say things!"

"Eat shit and die!"

Sexuality punched him again. Second tried to raise a hand to blast him with lasers, but to his surprise he found that his hallucination was at least twice as strong as he was, because he then held both his wrists in one hand and continued to punch him with the other. With each strike, Second wailed in pain.

"AGGGGGH! FUCK! OW! FUCKING- AAAAAAAH! STOP IT! SILVER! GET IN HERE, SILVER! AGH! FUUUUUUUCK!"

Silver Vein opened the door and walked into the bedroom not seconds later, looking extremely confused. And why wouldn't she be? Sexuality was an aspect of Second's psychology exclusively, and could only be sensed or interacted with by him. From her perspective, all she could see was a single human wrapped in blankets, writhing around on the floor and screaming.

"Sir? You called?"

"HELP ME! I'M HAVING ISSUES WITH MY SEXUALITY!"

Her face lit up.

"I'll get my saddle!"

She immediately turned and ran back out into the corridor, disappearing from view.

"NO! DON'T GO! I NEED- AAAAGHHHHHH!"

The punching stopped, Second winced, expecting another strike, but it never came. He opened one eye to see Sexuality was still sitting on top of him, arm held back ready for another punch.

"All right, we're on track. Now, are you going to do exactly as I say from now on?"

Second spat in his eye.

"AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!"

This time it was Sexuality doing the screaming. Second was surprised, but absolutely overjoyed to find out that it was no longer just his blood that was glowing green and highly acidic. Now his saliva apparently had face melting capability too. And that just made him beam with delight.

The naked man was stumbling back across the room, covering his now disfigured face. Second grinned evilly as he stood up again and advanced on him.

"Oh, you've had this coming for a long time..."

Things were getting boring, Second decided. Too many fistfights, heads getting blasted with shotguns and zombie bites. He needed to mix things up a bit. Have fun with killing people. Get creative, so to speak. So he did that.

He reached forward, grabbed Sexuality by the dick, and ripped it right off. His victim cried out in agony, grabbed his bleeding crotch, and fell over onto his back. Second laughed.

"Back to Hell with thee, demon! So sayeth THE LORD!"

And then he beat a man to death with his own cock. Because why not?


***


"I'm so sorry for what I must have put you through," said Celestia, "I did try to come back as fast as I could, but from my perspective it was only a few hours from when I died to when I returned."

"It's okay, sister."

The two princesses strode through the corridors of the Prometheus, heading towards the bridge to see what the summons was about. It was a rarity that they be actually ordered to do something when they were the highest authority in the land, so it must have been important.

"It's not okay though. You withdrew from the kingdom and handed the decisions over to Blueblood. You broke down crying at the funeral, in front of all your subjects. You never did that when anypony else died. Not even your closest friends. I...I had no idea I was really that important to you."

"Of course you are!" Luna snapped, "How could you not be? You're my big sister. You looked after me, you were always there for me, and you forgave me for even my greatest mistakes. Why wouldn't I be upset when something like that happened to you?"

"But to the point you couldn't even function? That you would lock yourself away in your room for days at a time crying, and couldn't even keep your composure in public? When you have thousands of years of experience doing exactly that, even in the face of tragedy?"

Luna bowed her head shamefully.

"I'm sorry...It's just that...You promised me. After Nightmare Moon, you promised me I'd never be alone again, and I wanted to believe that you and I would rule side by side forever. I didn't think you'd ever die. You were like...even when everypony else eventually died, you were always there. And everything was going to be okay in the end, because even though nopony else lived forever, I'd always have my big sister. But then you..."

Celestia put a wing over her.

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have made you so dependent on me. I guess it's not that surprising, and I can't really blame you for acting like you did. When you were banished all those years ago, I was the same. I had a regent running the country for almost a year afterwards."

The dark alicorn smiled and nuzzled her sister.

"We're back together again now. That's all that matters to me."

"...Luna-"

"We're here."

Celestia realised that they had already reached the door to the bridge, which swung open to admit them as they approached. The two sisters separated and slowly ascended the stairs.

They emerged onto the bridge to find it crowded with ponies. Ancient Tome, Iron Hoof, Night Shroud, Soft Spoken, Mystic Chant, Gold Coin, Chain Mail, Explodey, and Sliske who was curiously enough outside of a host body all stood in a semicircle around the entrance, waiting for them. The front windows were broken thanks to Chain Mail's assault on the ship yesterday, and Spike was standing outside the Prometheus too, his head almost poking through the window.

"Morning," he greeted, "Lovely sunrise today."

"Oh, thank you," Celestia replied.

"What is this about?" asked Luna.

"Things have been getting strange around here lately," Ancient Tome explained, "Second, demons attacks, these damned zombies. We're dealing with too many mysteries. Now, all of us have questions. Different questions. We also all have answers to other ponies' questions. Everypony in this room knows something that somepony else does not. We're here to trade information so that we can all get a full picture."

"Starting with the most obvious question," Soft Spoken continued, "Explodey. Princess Celestia. During the course of our adventures, both of you died at least once, and mentioned an afterlife. We want to know everything."

Celestia gulped.

"My little ponies, I will tell you everything, if that is what you want. But, be warned, I didn't take this information the best either. You may not be ready to hear it."

Tome glared at her.

"No more secrets. No more lies. Tell us everything. Now."


***


"Alright! I'm ready to- Sir. Why are you covered in blood?"

Second pushed Silver aside as he walked out of the bedroom and looked up and down the corridor.

"Where is the bathroom? I need a shower. I've got bits of dead guy all over me."

"Uhh...I think it's the next floor down..."

"Great. Could you clean up this room here while I go find it?"

"...Sir?"

"Hey, why are you wearing a saddle?"

"Ummm..."

"I don't have time for your games, Silver. Come on, we're on a schedule here. I need to get back in contact with Secopolis today, and there were a few places around the palace I need to check in on. It's been a weird enough day already, and I only just woke up. Still, at least I'm alert now. Nothing like a murder first thing in the morning to get the blood pumping. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"...No reason, sir."

Second grumbled.

"Mortals..."


***


Celestia explained everything.

She spoke of the beautiful valley and the barren misty wasteland that was the Firstian afterlife. She told them about its ruler, the enigmatic human who taught her the secret to stopping Second, and gave her an ultimatum in the palace throne room. She explained their world as he explained it, telling them of the fourth wall, of Dramatic Convenience, of what made the humans powerful and why they chose to do what they did one thousand years prior. She spared no detail of her story, no matter how seemingly insignificant.

This was the first time she spoke to anypony of what she experienced. Not even after all her time with Luna did she tell her what she actually saw on the other side. She had not asked, as if afraid of the answer. Even though some ponies in Equestria saw the alicorns as gods just as the Brotherhood saw humans, and believed that the princesses knew of the afterlife, the truth was that nopony knew for sure what actually happened when you died, until now.

Idly, Celestia wondered if her recent death had made atheists of those religious groups that worshipped her and her sister.

Her audience went through a range of reactions. Ancient Tome and the Brotherhood of Man, even former member Gold Coin, all seemed much less surprised by the revelation that First was the guardian of the afterlife. Apparently that was a central tenet of their religious beliefs, though they had assumed those to be wrong following their turn against Second.

Spike and the rest of the ponies in contrast seemed horrified by the thought that death meant an eternity ruled by a human, and especially by the idea that killing First had only made him stronger, or that he psychologically altered the ponies living under his rule. She had tried to explain that he was no menace like Second was, that he was different from the old days and just wanted to help, but many were slow to believe her on that account.

Surprisingly, it was Gold Coin and the Brotherhood who were the most sceptical of her claims. Though they had always believed humans to be benevolent, they all learned the hard way that Second was anything but. They seemed to have retroactively taken to thinking of First the same way, so hearing Celestia talking of him as if he were an ally made them distrustful.

Luna agreed with them.

Chain Mail, Soft Spoken and Mystic though were much more open to the idea of a human who may not wish them harm, while Explodey and Sliske seemed to have no opinion whatsoever and just listened intently to the princess's story.

Then when they learned that they were all fictional characters, that's when the arguing started.

"No FUCKING way!" Gold Coin shouted, "That's bullshit! That's gotta be bullshit!"

"It isn't though, my little pony," Celestia argued, "He was right. I tested his theories. After I came back as 'main character', I was able to hit Second again. I talked to him, and he confirmed it, even though I told him nothing about First or the afterlife. It explains their powers! It explains their abilities! It explains so much about our world, and us, and who we are!"

Convincing living, thinking beings that they were fictional characters was no easy task, and even when she was successful, Celestia still felt bad, as they all inevitably went through some kind of existential crisis in varying levels of seriousness.

Some, like Soft Spoken and Chain Mail took it well, treating it as a thought exercise and musing on the exact mechanics of a real fictional world, and what that implied about other works of fiction. Others, like Explodey and Sliske, went quiet and didn't say anything.

Spike became solemn and contemplative, while Ancient Tome needed to leave the room for a moment and Iron and Night Shroud became horribly depressed. Gold Coin just seemed angry, and Luna and Mystic took it the worst, with the blue colt silently clinging to Softy's leg and Luna having a moment of deep seated denial and needing to be consoled, much like Celestia had been when First broke it to her.

The conversation was derailed after that. Learning how small you were in the context of a universe like that, and all the questions such a thing raised, caused everypony to stop caring about their need for answers for a while and talk among themselves about what Celestia's news meant. It took a further half hour of directionless talking and an interruption by Blueblood over the intercom to snap them out of it.

"Your maj? Are you up there your maj?" a speaker in the ceiling blared, "I's Blueblood, mate. I'm callin' from the little box thingy in the cargo 'old. I jus' spoke to Mayor Mare, an' she's agreed to 'elp take in all the refugees that ain't got nowhere else ta go, at least until they can get in contact with somewhere bettah to take 'em."

Everypony went quiet, while Celestia approached the communication terminal and picked up the microphone.

"Thank you, Prince Blueblood. Your help is much appreciated."

"I's not a problem, your maj."

As she lowered the mic again, she saw everypony was quiet again, and waiting for her to pick up where she had left off before.

The final subject of discussion she had to share with them was the deal. Or deals. Second and First had both approached her separately, and they had both made her an offer and asked for her help in executing their plans.

First wanted Second dead, so he could bring him back under control. He had given the princess the means to kill him, and had promised that no harm would come to Second, and that Equestria would be saved from his wrath if she did. The downside was that the Pantheon of B would maintain absolute power over Equestria, and she and her subjects would be continually subjected to wars and monster attacks for the entertainment of higher beings who she would never even meet, though with the promise that everything would always turn out okay in the end.

Second on the other hoof wanted the Pantheon of B dead. He had set up some kind of ultimate super secret plan that she wasn't privy to the details of, that if he executed properly would end in their defeat, and his and Equestria's freedom. He promised to go home and never bother them again, they wouldn't have to worry about human overlords anymore, which meant that ponies would have to forge their own destiny. No more monster attacks, but no guarantee of victory in conflicts either, which they technically had before.

The downside to Second's plan was that First would withdraw all support for them, while promising that Second was very likely to betray them, and that there would be probable harm to an unknown number of humans who wished them no wrong, but were merely ignorant of the damage they were causing.

Once she was done explaining, she looked around the room at the other ponies.

"Well?" she said, "What do you all think?"


***


Second exited the bathroom feeling refreshed. Though he may have been infected with a zombie virus and cooked extra crispy, he was still a lot cleaner than before. More than that, he was finally able change into some better apparel. He crossed the hallway and entered another room where a large mirror was waiting in front of him, along with a pile of clothes.

"Okay!" he announced to no-one, "Enough of the raggy old coats! Time to make myself look presentable."

Step one. Whenever he replaced his eye patch he kept losing it. The solution? Robot eye.

"AGH! OW! FUCK!" he shouted as he shoved his replacement eye into its socket, "WHY DOESN'T THE ZOMBIE INFECTION PREVENT ME FROM FEELING PAIN ANYMORE?! I MISS WHEN IT DID THAT! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

Step two. His moustache and actual hair had been gone since the explosion. He had been wearing a wig ever since, and a convincing wig, but the only way he managed to avoid losing it like he kept losing his eye patch was because he actually glued it to his head. That was less than ideal for a number of reasons. It needed to go, and he needed to find a better way to fix his hair problem.

"AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he ripped off his wig, "MOTHERFUCKER! I THINK I TORE SOME SKIN OFF MY HEAD!"

Step three. Regrow that skin.

"Mommy..." Second whimpered as he applied a skin-grow lotion to his head.

Yeah, Second could just make anything out of nothing. Like he did when he created those lightsabers, or his Ferrari, or Secopolis. So now he had to create some more products to help his situation.

Which led conveniently into step four. Miracle baldness cure! A real one. Not like that fake stuff they sell on TV. Damn, those things sucked.

"Hmmm...Comes with a money back guarantee," Second read from the label, "That would be really useful if I had anyone to get a refund from. Eh, fuck it."

Step five. Haircut.

"OH SWEET JESUS, LOOK AT MY BEARD!"

Once he shaved his new hair, both facial and scalpel, almost back to the length of a normal person, he realised something strange.

"...My hair has colour again."

Step six. Dye that shit.

"Nope. I've been grey for longer than most people have been alive at all. I am NOT changing now."

Step seven. Perfect the moustache.

"Oh, Stashy...I have missed you so..."

Step eight. Face mask, to hide the fact he currently looked like a particularly well groomed corpse.

"Ooh...This is surprisingly comfortable...Fits nice...And hey! It even looks like my old face. Isn't that just lovely?"

Step nine. Pimp that face.

"Gold teeth. Awww yeah..."

Step ten. Suit up!

"Nothing like a nice tuxedo...Hmm...I like the bow tie too. Bow ties are cool."

Step eleven. Accessories!

"Got mah top hat. Got mah diamond cane. Got mah fancy shoes. That's 'cause I'm a gentleman, and finally..."

Step twelve. Personal armament.

"...Got mah hidden holster, and a handy revolver. That's because I'm a dangerous gentleman."

Step thirteen. Music!

Second skipped out of the room, twirling around and making gestures with his cane as he sung, all the way down the corridor.

"If you're blue, and you don't know where to go, why don't you go, where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz!"


***


Gold Coin was the first to speak.

"I think it should be obvious what we do. We side with Second. This Pantheon, if what we're being told is true, is responsible for everything that both of them ever did and more. Ponykind cannot cast off oppressors like that fast enough. If Second has the means to kill them, we do it."

"Goldie!" Softy shouted in surprise, "I can't believe you would say something like that! Think about this-"

"I agree with him," Chain Mail interrupted, "Second is a bastard, no two ways about it. But we have the means to fight Second if he turns on us. We do not have the means to take on an omnipotent pantheon full of multiple beings just like him, who are not even found in our universe. I don't like the idea of it, but realistically speaking, we should take Second's side in this."

Sliske grew angry, and flew up right in front of the captain's face.

"HE. MURDERED. BROAD SWORD," the alien screamed telepathically, "And not just him either! Countless others! Innocents! Families! ALL OF CANTERLOT! Weren't you there when it happened?!"

"Mighty hypocritical coming from you, Scourge!" Chain Mail spat.

"THAT IS BESIDES THE POINT! Second is a rabid animal that needs to be put down for the good of the majority!"

"And what?! How would we fight the Pantheon then?!"

"Who needs to fight the Pantheon?!" Sliske demanded, "I agree with Lord First! They're a manageable problem, and despite their indifference, they're what keeps Equestria winning against the forces of evil, and they're not even aware that they're hurting anypony!"

"Winning against evil that they created!"

"Irrelevant! Equestria has always had problems! Where they come from is no matter! The Pantheon is harmless. Second is not, and he needs to die!"

"I'm backing up the alien on this," Night Shroud announced, stepping over to Sliske's side, "The Pantheon has good and bad elements, but I believe that they're more of a help than a hindrance. Second on the other hand is undeniably evil. We can't let that slide."

"Me too," said Explodey, "This Lord First guy sounds like the only human who has our best interests at heart, and we need all the allies we can get. He only wants to have his father back, and really, doesn't Second only want his son back? If they can be together again, we could put an end to all of this! Maybe then it won't all have been in vain."

Princess Celestia looked to Softy.

"Mr. Spoken?" she asked, "What's your take on this?"

The old stallion scraped the ground with his hoof and furrowed his brow, as if in thought. He took his time in answering, as all his friends watched him carefully.

"I believe, that both sides make good points. First is clearly not a bad guy, and he only wants their family back together. Second is a dick, but he wants the same, plus revenge on those that ruined his life. And those that ruined his life also want to ruin our lives too. I don't believe the Pantheon can just be excused for everything they've done because sometimes they do something good, and ignorance of the consequences of their actions do not mean we can let them continue doing it.

"Maybe it's an awful thing to say, but I think both need to be stopped. Second, and the Pantheon. I'm not sure how we can do it, but we've got to put an end to both of them. Second has a plan to bring them down. I suggest we play both sides here. We agree to kill Second, and we agree to help him. Let him carry out his plan, assist where necessary, and eventually he'll destroy the Pantheon and put a stop to one problem for us. Then when he turns on us, if he does, we kill him too and fulfil our promise to First.

"If he doesn't turn on us, either we strike first and kill him when we have opportunity, or preferably, once the Pantheon is dead and Dramatic Convenience is no longer hindering our ability to tell him, we inform him of First's survival into the afterlife, and he will willingly rejoin with his son. And everypony's happy."

They all stared at him.

"Well?" he said.

"No," Gold Coin replied, "I think if we intend to turn on Second, he'll know, and planning to betray something that powerful is never a smart move. He promised he would leave us alone if we assist him, and unless he does betray us first, we have no reason to do anything other than give him our full support. And besides, whether you plan to eventually kill him or not, if you're going against the Pantheon, that isn't going to earn First's favour when he specifically said not to."

"I'm still with Gold Coin," Chain Mail answered.

"I think I agree with Softy," Mystic murmured.

"Like I said, I don't believe the Pantheon is our enemy, so I disagree," said Night Shroud.

"Same."

"Me too," Explodey added.

"...I don't think the Pantheon is our enemy either."

The group all turned to Spike with surprise.

"I think...Umm..."

He sighed.

"Could somepony cast a soundproofing spell around these windows? My voice is very loud, and I don't want anypony outside this room hearing what I have to say."

Ancient Tome obliged, and a bubble-like shield of energy coated the windows of the bridge and the single doorway out. Spike winced as the shield went through his neck, but it didn't harm him and he could still move, so he continued right away.

"Like I said, I don't believe the Pantheon are our enemy to fight, unlike Second," he explained, "However. I do not trust First either."

Celestia was confused.

"How do you mean?" she inquired.

"You were there, weren't you?" Spike asked, "We both saw what First was capable of. Sure, maybe he wasn't as bad as Second. He never pulled the trigger and caused your injury. But I distinctly remember it being said that the weapon was his, and not Second's. Second just borrowed it to use. And whether he was the lesser of two evils or not, he still helped Second, and they still terrorised the land together, just for fun.

"I don't care if you say he's reformed. I know what I saw. I met First face to face, long ago, and he was no better than Second back then. Second himself wasn't nearly as bad then as he is now, but as we've seen, and as we both know all too well, humans can change. Second changed for the worst. First, you claim, changed for the better. But if you'll recall, even the seemingly good humans can't be trusted. I don't think I need to remind you of that."

The princess looked at him sadly.

"Spike...Hayato was-"

"Save it, princess. We've had this talk before."

She sighed.

"My point is, while I think the Pantheon is relatively harmless and Second needs to be stopped, I am not going to throw in my support for Lord First, whether you say he's changed or not. A creature like that has no right to rulership over ponies, living or dead. Especially not if manipulates them. As soon as we stop Second, we should find a way into the afterlife and reclaim it from First."

"You're mad!" Softy replied, "Are you seriously suggesting that when we have opportunity to have support from either one of the humans, or possibly even both, that we take neither and declare war on a potential ally too?! That's suicidal!"

"Yeah. No. Fucking. Way," Chain Mail agreed, "I may not think we should take his side over Second, but First means us no harm. If we help Second in his plan, he'll just leave us alone and not help us. Actively fighting him is pointless!"

"They're right, dragon," Sliske added, "What you're proposing is nothing short of idiotic."

"No it's not. He's the only one so far I actually agree with."

Night Shroud sighed.

"Not you too, Tome..."

Ancient Tome stepped into the centre of the room.

"The Brotherhood exists to oppose tyranny! We once thought that that was represented in the princesses and their supporters! As we discovered, that was wrong. Tyranny is in fact embodied by the humans! Second rules with an iron fist on Earth, and his son First does the same in Heaven! BOTH of those places should belong to ponies! They both need to be stopped, by any means necessary!"

"And what of the Pantheon of B?" asked Iron Hoof, stepping into the conversation for the first time so far.

"What about them?"

"Do they not also represent tyranny? For the injustices that they've visited upon us?"

Tome took a moment to think, and smiled slyly at Iron.

"No," he said, turning to face him fully, "Second is a selfish tyrant who intentionally causes pain and misery. First might have good intentions, but can just as easily turn the same way, and has just as much power and in fact already abuses it in small ways, in a place where ponies are vulnerable. More than that, he knows exactly what he is doing. The Pantheon are just ignorant.

"They rule our world as conventional gods would. They cause problems, which they then fix in recompense, and they never intend harm. I am of the belief that they are by themselves little more than a nuisance, whereas it is the monsters they create, like Second and First, that we should take issue with. Besides, trying to go up against them implies relying on Second's plan, which I am unwilling to do. He needs to be destroyed as soon as the opportunity arises."

Iron snorted.

"Can't say I agree," he replied, "If you're going to oppose tyranny in all its forms, you shouldn't half-ass it."

All the others in the room stared at him in shock.

"No..." Softy said, "Please tell me you're not actually saying-"

"YES!" Iron interrupted, "I am. We do more than side with one or the other, or try to play both sides. We should go against ALL of them. No Second. No First. And NO. PANTHEON."

Softy's jaw was on the floor.

"I- But- How can-?!" he spluttered.

"Private Iron Hoof!"

Iron looked over to Princess Luna, who was the one addressing him.

"I am in agreement with you."

Celestia was stunned.

"R-Really?" said Iron.

"You have the right idea," the princess of the night confirmed, smiling at him, "Chain Mail and Gold Coin are correct about their assessment of the dangers of the Pantheon, Sliske absolutely nailed my opinion of Lord Second, murdering scum that he is, and Spike knew, as he should, just how little we should trust a creature like the First, who takes the guise of being better than his father, and yet we have no real evidence for. You, like me, see that ALL the humans are a problem, in their own way. The only true way we can save Equestria, and the afterlife, is if we stop ALL of them."

All eyes turned on Celestia.

"Well, sister?" asked Luna, "Whose side are you on?"


***


Second stopped before the statue. He smiled at it, stood still to admire it for a moment. With a click of his fingers, a wooden bench appeared behind him, and he sat down. He took off his top hat and placed it on the seat next to him along with his cane, and sat back.

"Can you hear me?" he asked.

Discord's statue did not answer him.

"I don't think you can. I couldn't see anything outside the statue when I was imprisoned...It was all just black. I'm not sure if I ever heard anything...but then again, I don't think anyone ever came to talk to me."

He drummed his fingers on the bench.

"Maybe it's different for a draconequus. I don't know. Perhaps you can see or hear me. I don't hold out hope though."

There were another few moments of silence.

"The Elements of Harmony died long ago. They've got new ones now. Last time the elements changed hands, from the princesses to Twilight and her friends...then a bit of chaos freed you again. Really, with all the chaos that's been kicking off around here since I showed up, I still don't know why you aren't free already."

He sighed.

"I would, you know," he said quietly, "I honestly would let you out if I could. I don't really know how though. Breaking out of stone was always the one thing I could never do by myself, and I think it applies to others too. Hmm. Maybe I'm just an idiot. But I know what it feels like."

He got up, and walked over to the statue.

"See, you and me, Discy? We're the same. Agents of chaos. Maybe I'm violent about it while you're just playful. Maybe we have very different styles. Maybe while I went off on a crusade of revenge against Celestia, you just liked to toy with her. But those are just differences of methodology. At heart, you and me, we're like...kindred spirits. We are as brothers, I hope you know.

"I'm not sure what you think of me. But I think the world of you. You made me laugh so much when I first saw you. Ponies may not appreciate what you did, but I'm one of those few that can see the funny side. In another world, we could have been drinking buddies together. There's a whole land of people, just like me, and so full of chaos, that I know you'd just love."

He bowed his head sadly.

"Still. Things don't turn out well for everyone. Someone always has to lose. You and I are just the ones who got the short end of the stick. I'd free you if I could, but some things are beyond even me. I'm sorry, Discord. But I thought I should let you know, before it all goes to shit for me too, that you aren't the only one who appreciates the finer things in life. And you aren't alone in your fate."

Second held out his hand and his top hat and cane flew into it. He placed that hat on his head and turned away.

"I've got to go now. It was nice visiting. Maybe I'll do it again some day."

He looked back over his shoulder and smiled.

"You're a real inspiration."

Second left, and headed back towards the palace.


***


"ATTENTION. THE PROMETHEUS IS LEAVING IN TWENTY MINUTES. ALL REFUGEES PLEASE VACATE THE SHIP IMMEDIATELY."

"Come on, everypony! You heard the disembodied voice!" Gold Coin shouted across the cargo hold, "All of you off! Now! Come on! Get!"

Chain Mail stood by his side as the two of them watched the ponies of Canterlot shuffle out into Ponyville, where they were crowding in the town square.

"Any sign of her?" he asked.

"No," Gold Coin replied, "I couldn't see Mrs. Smith anywhere. I hope she got out okay, but I haven't seen her. Maybe you should ask Explodey or Night Shroud? They would have personally met every one of them."

"That's true."

"Mr. Gold Coin!"

The yellow earth pony looked to his right to see a familiar blue unicorn approaching, shadowed by a diamond dog.

"Easy. Remus."

"I just thought we should tell you that we'll be going on our way with the other refugees now. This zombie apocalypse diversion has been interesting for sure, but we both have things to be getting to. Remus still has to locate that order of monks he was talking about, and I need to get to finding that tablet fragment, or else we risk a universal collapse. Doesn't help that the walls of reality have been weakened recently."

"Weakened, really? By who?" Gold Coin asked.

"Not sure. Something big. I'm sure it's nothing that won't be dealt with in due time. Whatever it is, it's light years from here, and there are a number of alien alliances, republics, empires and federations between here and there who can deal with it. If all else fails, the Time Lords are usually available to sort it out. In fact, I think I saw a TARDIS in here the other day. It's gone now though. I'm not sure where it went..."

Chain Mail looked confused.

"...What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing. Never mind me. I'm just rambling. We'll be on our way now. Goldie, I hope I'll see you again?"

Gold Coin cleared his throat.

"Ahem. Yes. Of course. I'll be around. You come and find me when you're done with...whatever. Me and my friends have a mission of our own of course."

"Of course. Some other time then?"

"Yeah. Later."

Easy Eight smiled and nodded, and trotted back towards the crowd. Remus looked back at him and waved as they left too.

"Those guys are so fucking weird..." Chain Mail muttered.

"No disagreements from me. They're pleasant company though."

"GOLD COIN AND CAPTAIN CHAIN MAIL TO NAVIGATIONAL. REPEAT. GOLD COIN AND CAPTAIN CHAIN MAIL TO NAVIGATIONAL."

"...Seems we're needed."

"Indeed."

"You go ahead," Chain Mail offered, "Somepony needs to stay behind to close the cargo doors once everypony is out."

"I'll tell them to wait for you."


***


Second had not gone back to the palace. Instead, he now stood on a pegasus landing platform that led into a small tower on the castle grounds, staring at another, similar tower a short distance away. He looked to his side to see a pegasus flying towards him, and she soon landed quietly on the same platform he was standing on.

"Silver, come over here, I want you to look at this."

"...Yes sir?"

He walked inside the tower, and Silver followed after. Once inside, she could see that the entire inside of the tower was hollow aside from a spiral staircase leading towards the bottom.

"Now, look down here. This tower has no rooms inside it. It's like a lighthouse. The entire thing is just a single spiral staircase leading to the ground level. At the ground level though, there's no door. Instead, you've got a single trap door that leads into some tunnels. The only way in or out of this tower is through this pegasus landing platform we're on now, or through those tunnels. Are you following me?"

"Mmhmm."

"Now, I know this, because I came from the tunnels to get here in the first place. And do you know where the tunnels come from?"

"Uh...No?"

"That tower over there."

He walked back out onto the landing platform and pointed at the other tower he had been staring at.

"Oh."

"And do you know what's different about that tower?"

"No sir."

"It has an actual doorway at ground level, but no pegasus landing platform at the top. But aside from that, it's identical. Even has the same damn spiral staircase. The one in that tower just stops abruptly at the top, meaning it serves no purpose at all. Ultimately though, the only way in or out of it is through the tunnels beneath the towers, and through the front door. And do you know what's in the tunnels?"

Silver stared at him.

"Again; no sir."

"NOTHING! Fucking nothing! It's one single long underground passage between the two towers with no side rooms, no alternate paths, no place for storage....Nothing. It's just a route between them."

Second sighed and massaged his forehead.

"And that got me to thinking; The tunnels only connected the two towers, right? Now, this tower can only be accessed by a pegasus, and once they're in here, they'd have to go through the underground tunnels, and they'd end up in an identical tower which they can leave at ground level, but there's no landing platform at the top they can take off from again.

He looked back at the other tower.

"And any kind of pony can enter the other tower, but with nothing at the top and nothing inside, the only reason they would have to go in there is to go through the tunnels to get here, and once they get here, the only other exit is this damn landing platform, and that's only useful to pegasi anyway, and if they were a pegasus, they could simply come straight here!"

Silver raised an eyebrow.

"...What's your point, sir?"

"THAT THERE IS NONE!" Second raged, "THERE IS NO DAMN POINT TO THESE TOWERS! THIS HAS NO REASON TO EXIST! IT'S JUST HERE TO CONFUSE ME AND MAKE MY FUCKING BRAIN HURT! WHO WAS THE FUCKING GENIUS WHO CAME UP WITH THIS?!"


***


Chain Mail bucked the door closed behind him as he entered the navigational room. Princess Celestia, Ancient Tome, Gold Coin and Soft Spoken all stood around the room, along with a number of royal guards, all of them Canterlot survivors too. Most of them were monitoring terminals or other electronic equipment, while others like the princess were gathered around a circular table in the middle of the room with a 3D map of Equestria on it.

"Hey, what's this?" asked Chain Mail as he looked at the map.

"It's called a hologram," Tome explained, "This one isn't magical. I don't know how it works, but it's easy enough to use. Well, if you have an instruction manual anyway. Like I have."

He floated a giant book the size of a slab of concrete out from beneath the table to show it to the captain. Printed on the front were the words 'Prometheus internal electronic and robotic systems instruction, maintenance and repair manual. Volume 1 of 37'.

"If you find any of the other thirty six, do let me know," he said as he put it down again, "I'd really like to get the laser turrets up and running again."

"...Right...So, princess. Where are we going?"

Celestia nodded to Ancient Tome, who waved a hoof and made the holo-map zoom into a snowy mountain far to the north. It was fairly non-descript aside from a model of a little wooden village towards the top, and a stone structure somewhere above that.

"This place," she replied, "It's on the very edge of Equestrian territory, far into the frozen wastelands of the north. Its inhabitants named it after me. It's called Mt. Celestia."

Gold Coin smirked.

"...Is something funny?"

"No, your majesty. Please, tell us more."

"It's home to a small settlement of Equestrians who have a village located at the top of the mountain. They're a very out of the way group, and devoutly religious. First and foremost, their devotion is to the virtues of Harmony, and the elements that you and your friends embody, which they believe that by upholding and learning from, they can achieve enlightenment through."

"Isn't living in an isolated village in the middle of nowhere rather counterproductive to learning about friendship?" asked Chain Mail.

"Not really. They all have each other, and the village has a fairly sizeable population. Really though, the village is just a settlement like any other. The real study and devotion goes on in the temple at the top, where an order of monks known as the Harmonites are based. It used to be a headquarters for a demon worshipping cult thousands and thousands of years ago, but the Harmonites moved in some time ago and repurposed it."

"I've never heard of them," Soft Spoken commented, "They sound like a strange bunch of ponies though."

Celestia's eyes darted back and forth suspiciously.

"Yes...ponies..."

Ancient Tome looked over at Gold Coin and raised an eyebrow.

I told you so.


***


"Any answers yet?" Sliske asked hopefully.

"Not a one."

Night Shroud frowned as he looked at the collected data printed on the sheets in front of him. He had analysed Sliske top to bottom, and found nothing. There was no indication of what was wrong with him that caused his reaction to entering his previous host, nothing that shed any light on the appearance of a new cutie mark on that host, or anything of the sort.

"ATTENTION. THE PROMETHEUS IS NOW TAKING FLIGHT."

"Sounds like we're on our way..." muttered Iron Hoof in the corner of the room.

"Where are we heading again?" asked Night Shroud as he went back to examining the data.

"No fucking clue," the earth pony replied, "I'm hoping Secopolis, because we still have to rescue Star Wish. I don't want to keep putting that off. She's still at the mercy of the Knights of Man."

"Yes, we know," Night Shroud grumbled, "Let's just leave Tomey to handle things. I'm sure he knows what he's doing."

The batpony then moved over to the other operating table, where Explodey McGee was strapped down.

"Now, YOU. You, we've had more luck with. I've finished running through your blood samples, and we finally know for sure what's different about you."

Explodey looked hopeful.

"And what is it?"

"You aren't a pony. You don't even resemble one."

Night Shroud stomped a hoof on the floor, and a royal guard who he had recruited to assist him marched to his side, holding a graph in his teeth showing a picture of a double helix in the top corner and some other complex diagrams with paragraphs of annotations over the rest of it.

"This here is an analysis of your DNA," he explained, "Turn it over."

The guard showed him the other side of the page. It was structured the same, but the diagrams were different in subtle ways, such as being shaped slightly different or coloured something else.

"This here is unicorn pony DNA."

Another guard walked over, holding up another page with diagrams that looked closer to Explodey's results, though still different.

"And this, is your closest genetic match that we could find. Do you know where we got this sample?"

Explodey shook his head.

"This? This is a FUCKING CACTUS."

"...What?"

"I'm serious. You have more in common biologically with a desert cactus than you do with most ponies, or for that matter, any other living creature. Oh, don't get me wrong, that's not to say that you're at all similar to cacti either. That's just the closest terrestrial life has come so far to imitating you.

"You look like us outside, you may even have some of the same internal organs, but you are so far removed from normal pony biology, I am astounded that you can even survive in Equestria's atmosphere. The microbes in your body should be toxic to us. You should reproduce through eggs.

"I'm pretty sure your magic comes from a gland on the inside of your throat rather than your horn, and you weren't kidding about being able to internally produce a zombie cure, because your blood is mixed with the stuff right now, it's bright blue, it's fucking glowing, and when I tried to put it in a test tube it melted through the bottom. The stuff is also radioactive.

"In short, you are fucking scary, and you need to stay away from me."

Explodey smiled sheepishly.

"Eh...Well..."

"Is he dangerous to the rest of us?"

Night Shroud turned around to find Sliske floating behind him.

"He should be. The substances and fluids his body produce by all rights should be having violent chemical reactions almost constantly, and should be highly poisonous to ponies. The fact that he's shared physical contact with a number of you and nopony immediately dropped dead is making me question everything I know about science. If he hasn't killed any of us so far, I guess we're safe, but I have no idea why that is."

"So..." Explodey said conversationally, "If I'm not a pony, then what do we call me?"

"I'm going to call you what you are. An abomination," Night Shroud replied, "Though feel free to pick whatever name for yourself you want."

The batpony casually walked out of the clinic, leaving Explodey strapped to the table and Sliske floating next to him while everyone else stared at the door.

Explodey turned to the alien.

"Sliske? Am I an abomination?" he asked sincerely.

"Yes. You are. But so am I, so I'm not going to judge."


***


Second flicked his wrist and the door in front of him opened to admit him entrance, and closed behind him once he crossed its threshold. To his left and right were more doors, leading into multiple prison cells with varying levels of security around them. He was in the Canterlot dungeons, where he himself had been held for a brief time.

The dungeons were not what one thought of when the word 'dungeon' was said. To him, 'dungeon' invoked images of a dirty old stone corridor, with cells held by iron bars containing nothing but a bed of straw and a crap bucket in the corner, maybe with the occasional rat running in and out of the cells and optional shackles on the walls.

And sure enough, parts of the dungeon were like that, but it was the old part. Apparently the whole dungeon had been doing through a restoration or renovation or something, but it had been stopped for some reason mid-way. So now, the most north-western part of the dungeons were exactly like what you'd think a dungeon would look like, only with way more cobwebs, and it was off limits.

The rest of them meanwhile, where he and a few other ponies had been held when all this began, looked pretty much like a police station from Earth. The floors of the corridor had carpet; rough carpet mind, but still carpet. The walls were all plastered over and had pleasant, brightly coloured wallpaper that periodically changed colour depending on the corridor.

And the cells did still have iron bars, but they were new and shiny, rather than old and rusted. Most surprisingly of all, shock of all shocks, these bunch of primitives had the foresight to not use padlocks to keep the cell locked.

As well as that, the dungeon, if you could still call it that, wasn't just the cells. Walking around, Second found storerooms, a kitchen for the prisoner's meals that looked very under stocked and underused, (for all the cells down here, he doubted that more than five of them ever saw use every year), and of course the interrogation room where Celestia had questioned him.

Well...not exactly. The interrogation room had been converted to hold him when he was first captured. The princess had removed all the windows and doors and made sure that nothing could get in or out, and had included magical protection to prevent teleporting as well and hoping to nullify his powers. That was supposed to make it escape-proof.

If only the poor mare had realised that Dramatic Convenience and off-screen teleportation made a mockery of Equestrian physics. He really felt like he had been cheating by just snapping his fingers and appearing outside his cell. It was like a designer went through all the trouble of setting up a ten mile looping obstacle course for him to jump through, and he had just walked three feet in the opposite direction and touched the finish line right away.

Well, that's what you get for being confident in your abilities. Your plans fail, and some asshole takes a shotgun to your face.

So no, he hadn't found the interrogation room's entrance because there was no door leading into it. He had actually found the door leading to the observation room that allowed one to see into the interrogation room.

Out of curiosity, he opened it and stepped inside, and his jaw hit the floor as he saw that the interrogation room was already occupied.

In the room beyond, a starved and dying zebra whimpered pathetically as he tried to lick any moisture he could out of the jug on the table that used to contain water, and when that failed, tried the same with the glass, which he threw against the wall in frustration and shattered when that too yielded nothing. He slammed his head on the table and cried.

Second broke out into a huge, evil grin, and began rubbing his hands together.

"Oh...This is too perfect...You are beautiful...You are going to save my life..."


***


Spike kicked again and turned over.

"No..." he muttered, "...Get a...get away from...you...monsters..."

From across the cargo hold, Mystic watched the slumbering dragon with Prince Blueblood at his side, taking care of him while the other adults were making sure that everything was working right and directing the Prometheus to whichever destination they had chosen.

"Why does he always do that?" asked the colt.

"I's 'cause 'e has nightmares," Blueblood replied, "Way I 'eard it, from her maj Celestia, the Eternal over there's suffered 'em e'ry night of 'is life since he was as big as you are."

Mystic furrowed his brow.

"But...If he always has nightmares...why does he sleep all the time?"

"Dunno, mate. Maybe dragons jus' need their sleep? Or maybe he's not bothered by 'em anymore?"

"...Rarity...Please don't...nuhh..."

Spike's nostrils released small puffs of smoke.

"...I'm going to wake him up," Mystic declared.

Blueblood's eyes widened and he reached forward and grabbed Mystic as he tried to run off.

"No!" he scolded, "You DON'T go wakin' up a sleepin' dragon! He'll fuckin' massacre you, mate!"

"No he won't," Mystic said irritably, "I'm sure he's been woken up by somepony before."

The prince gave him an odd look and let go of him.

"I s'pose. Do you actually need to talk to him about anything though?"

"Yeah. I want to know what he's like. I talk to everypony else. Why not talk to him just because he's a dragon?"

Blueblood shrugged.

"You're a smart kid, y'know?"

Mystic smiled.

"Sliske teaches me things," he said helpfully.

"...Right."

With Blueblood's permission, the blue unicorn slowly edged across the cargo hold towards Spike, who continued to stir every so often until Mystic finally reached him.

"Mr. Spike?" he said.

The dragon's eyes slowly opened, and he looked around him trying to find the source of the voice, before crossing his eyes to see Mystic standing almost directly in front of his nose and practically hidden from view with how small he was.

"Oh. Hello."

He sat up and stretched, yawning, and his bones cracking as he did.

"What did you want?" he asked.

"I just...wanted to talk," Mystic replied, "I wanted to know more about you. We never learned much about dragons in school."

Spike raised an eyebrow and lowered his head so he could more closely examine him.

"...How old are you, exactly?"

"Nine."

"Ah. That'll be why then. The dragons, me especially, are often involved in some unpleasant, bloody affairs. The kind they don't want to teach kids your age about. Since for the past thousand years, Equestria has been without any Elements of Harmony to deal with the really big monsters, me and the Nineteen are often made to deal with it instead. Why, before I came to help in Canterlot, I had just finished dealing with a hydra attack on Pony Harbour..."

The purple dragon scratched the underside of his chin with a claw.

"...Come to think of it, I should probably get back there at some point and make sure he hasn't attacked the place again in the time I've been away. He might not have, but he was never a trustworthy one. I hope he hasn't. His Uncle Tommy kept ignoring my warnings, and I gave him a bath in a volcano for his troubles. That wasn't a good day for me."

Mystic blinked.

"...Yeah, see this is why they don't teach you about us."

"No, it's okay," the colt said quietly, "I understand if you have to do stuff like that sometimes..."

"I don't like doing it," Spike replied, "I try not to kill unless I have to. Twilight Sparkle, your ancestor, she was the same. Her and her friends regularly went up against dangerous enemies, but rarely was there bloodshed. I remember the first time I ever met a diamond dog. I was out with Rarity, I assume you know Rarity? I was out with her, and we were searching for gems..."


***


"So, did you see the Firstian afterlife too?" asked Sliske as they sat alone in the clinic.

Explodey nodded.

"I met First himself, actually," he revealed.

"Really? What was he like?"

"I dunno. I was only there for about thirty seconds."

The alien paused for a moment.

"Was Broad Sword there?"

"...I don't know. I only saw First. I wasn't there long enough to ask about anypony else."

"...You can't die, right? You just come back if you get killed?"

"...Yep."

Sliske grinned.

"...I propose an experiment..."


***


"Sir? Are you in here? Sir?"

Silver trotted away from the entrance to the throne room, frowning to herself as she searched the palace for any trace of Second. Deciding to head down to one of the lower levels, she approached the door leading to the stairwell, but was interrupted as it burst open and a zebra strode out.

She stared at him for a second. He was bizarre looking. He was wearing a dark hoodie but had the hood itself down, revealing his ear piercings. Around his neck he had multiple gold chains, one of which had a pendant shaped like a 'T' on it studded with diamonds. He had a holster attached to his side, inside of which was a handgun that he would have had real trouble using, being non-magical, and he had tattoos on his hooves. Tattoos! Seriously!

He glared at her.

"Watchu starin' at, bitch?"

"...I..." she stuttered.

"What? Ain't never seen a zebra b'fore, cracker-ass pony?"

"But- I..."

"Quit starin' at me, hoe!" he shouted.

At that moment, Second came through the door.

"Sir! Who is this?!" asked Silver.

"Oh, hey Silver," Second replied cheerfully, "Allow me to introduce you. This here is a zebra. His name used to be Ze!zar, and yes, that clicking sound in the middle was part of his actual name. It was stupid. So I used my magical Elder God powers to brainwash him and give him a makeover. Now his name is Thug Lyfe, spelled with a 'Y'. Thug Lyfe, this is Silver Vein."

"Ballin'."

He held out a hoof to her. Silver was unsure what to do, so she hesitantly tried to shake it. Thug Lyfe started giving her the glare again.

"Umm...Why is he here?" she asked.

"Well, I'm glad you asked! See, I have a lot of plans to pull off. Plans which I don't want the writers and viewers to know about. If I'm in a scene, I can't discuss my plans. I'd be fucked. And with the recent news from Nathan telling me that everything is going meta, that means that even talking about things on the other side of the fourth wall is no guarantee of safety. I need a way to ensure that I won't be onscreen. So I thought, if swearing isn't bad enough for me to get taken off of television, what is? And then I thought...RACISM!"

Silver tilted her head.

"Yep. Even Tom and Jerry cartoons can get censored thanks to the blackface stuff. So if I turn our token zebra character into a racist caricature of African American people, and make it as offensive as humanly possible, and I keep him by me at all times, I will therefore not be on television, as long as he is always doing something stereotypical and offensive."

Second reached into his coat and pulled out a chicken drumstick, which he offered to Thug Lyfe.

"Feeling hungry?"

The zebra took it and started eating without comment. Silver just alternated between staring at the both of them.

"I don't get it," she replied.

"Well of course YOU wouldn't," Second snapped, "Unlike me and Thug Lyfe. We understand this sort of shit. We're from the STREETS, you dig?"

"...No. No I really don't, sir."

Thug Lyfe finished eating and tossed aside the chicken bone.

"You don't understand, 'cause you ain't DOWN with us, dawg," he interjected, "We're GHETTO. Me and my boy Second are like...brothers, man. We're together for LIFE. No homo."

"Oh, Thug Lyfe! You always know what to say," Second replied, "And that's why you're my favourite minion."

The two of them walked off down the corridor, while Silver just stared after them longingly, a sad look on her face.

"...Favourite...minion...?" she repeated.

She looked at the floor, and then her head shot up again, fire in her eyes.

"Oh no you don't."


***


Night Shroud cleared his throat and gently placed the test tube on the desk in front of the two. Inside was a bubbly amber liquid with a layer of froth at the top, prevented from overflowing by an old cork. Sliske and Explodey looked expectantly at him.

"I had to make a whole new formula for this," the batpony explained, "Understand that Explodey's condition will foil just about any conventional method of killing him. The zombie virus only managed it because it was engineered especially for the purpose of killing anything alive. Well, that and reanimating them afterwards. So, I hope you know how insanely hard it was to find a poison that would overwhelm a healing factor that potent."

"So what is this stuff?" asked Explodey.

Night Shroud motioned to the test tube.

"That thing there is a mixture of over eighty seven different varieties of poison, utilising venom from several species of insects and reptiles, industrial solvents, pesticides, and just general toxic chemicals. Basically, whatever I could find. Several of my additions required other chemicals to stabilise them and prevent a violent reaction."

He knelt down and peered into the tube, admiring his own work.

"As well as the chemical elements, it also makes use of a lot of magical ones too, such as some powderized gems enchanted with spells for slowing down the immune system and inhibiting cell growth and regrowth, and it's important that the immune system is attacked because I also used magic to allow several lethal diseases to survive in that mixture, and they and the poisons will be attacking you simultaneously. I also made sure it was highly irradiated too, just for good measure.

"It's fast acting too. Essentially, the ultimate killer. One single drop of that stuff would kill a dragon in twelve seconds. A hydra in five. Anything smaller than an elephant would shrivel up and die immediately on contact with the stuff."

His eyes darted back up to Explodey.

"The whole test tube. You? I'd say it'll keep you dead for...about...an hour and a half."


***


"...And, well, that was the end of that," Spike concluded, "I told him he was an idiot, Pinkie Pie agreed with me, and then the guy started throwing things. Surprisingly, it was Fluttershy who actually put him in his place. That mare could be downright scary when somepony made her angry. And after that we all left, and I swore off citrus fruits for life."

"Cor, blimey," said Blueblood, "After that? I'm surprised you didn't give up on fruit period."

"Well...I didn't promise to do that, though I can't say I eat much in the way of fruit nowadays anyway...Fruit flavoured gems, maybe. It's more out of a lack of opportunity than anything else. Not like I carry bits around with me and go bargaining with traders. Too big to fit in most marketplaces."

"Tell me about when the Legion invaded!" Mystic said enthusiastically.

"Umm...Are you sure you want to hear about that? 'Cause...uh...I got more stories about my friends' other adventures...Like...Did I ever tell you about the time Rainbow Dash went to prison?"

Mystic's jaw dropped.

"No. Tell me!"

"Well, it all started when this thief walked into Sugarcube Corner, which was this bakery that Pinkie Pie and this family called the Cakes used to run here in Ponyville. I don't think it's around anymore. Anyway, Rainbow Dash was back in the kitchen helping with some baking at the time, because nopony else was available and Pinkie had needed volunteers. Well, of course, when the thief got caught stealing things she went to stop him, but then..."


***


Silver nudged the side door to the dining room open and entered. Second and Thug Lyfe were sat at the table already, Thug Lyfe taking a chair right next to Second and leaving her usual seat free. She smiled as she walked over to take her place, but her expression quickly changed into one of shock as she noticed a skinned and roasted pegasus sitting on the table.

It was right next to Thug Lyfe, and rather than being on a platter of some sort, it was laying inside a suit of Secopolis power armour that had been cracked open down the middle to expose its occupant. Evidently, the armour was being used as some kind of novelty tin foil.

And what's more, Second and Thug Lyfe were already eating it. The zebra was gnawing hungrily on a torn off wing, while the human was holding a leg with both hands and had already chewed it down to the bone in the middle, and was working along it.

Silver just stared at them. Second noticed.

"...What?"

"Uh...my Lord? Why are you...?"

"Why am I what?" Second asked innocently.

"Umm..."

"Are you going to sit down?"

Silver Vein awkwardly walked over to the table and took a seat opposite Second. He continued to munch on the roasted leg as if it were completely normal, making Silver Vein somewhat queasy. Thug Lyfe finished off the wing and moved onto the vegetables on his plate.

"You look nervous," said Second.

"Sir, why are you eating a pony?" she finally asked.

"Why not? You people are fucking delicious."

He held out the half eaten pegasus leg to her.

"Want some?"

"NO!"

Second shrugged.

"Okay then."

He took another bite out of it nonchalantly.

"I mean...What even gave you the idea to...?"

"What? To eat this pony? I haven't tried pony before, and figured being in Equestria will give me as good an opportunity as any. I mean, some eastern cultures on my home world eat horses. It's sort of uncommon and frowned upon, but they must do it for some reason. I figured, maybe I was missing out. Gotta say, I think they were onto something. The leg parts taste like pork, but the wings and the area around them tasted like poultry. There's just so much variety!"

He happily finished off the leg and moved onto a jacket potato. It was at this point Silver noticed that she had her own meal as well, hers fortunately lacking any meat, pony or otherwise. There were a few carrots and greens, broccoli, cooked mushrooms and buttered bread. All things she enjoyed, so she just tried to ignore Second and focus on that.

"You know," Second mused in between chewing, "I've been thinking. There are a lot of parallels between me and the Christian god lately, what with my touchy healing powers, and the way I call myself the Lord, and all that stuff. It occurs to me, maybe that's not the best way to go about this whole business? I'd be terrible trying to act like the deities of the major religions of my world.

"Those great gods like Yahweh, and Allah, and most the ones that are still worshipped today, they've all got these great moral values and shit in their religions. Nah, that ain't me. Then you look at all the ancient gods, the ones that aren't worshipped anymore and no-one really believes in or cares about, even if they are really well known. The not so great, as it were. You know the ones I mean. Thor, Zeus, fucking...Poseidon. Those guys. They're much more like me.

"THAT is what I should be more like. The Greeks didn't try to pretend their gods were anything other than psychopathic tyrants. I think they're a much better fit for the sort of thing I'm doing."

"...Sir?"

"Oh, even better. You know what I should do? I should be like those tribal heathen gods. You know, like Baal? Pony civilisation is rapidly declining thanks to the zombies anyway. Pretty soon, society will collapse entirely, and in a few generations ponies will probably live in tribes again. I could take advantage of that. Become a tribal god, and get ponies to sacrifice virgins to me and shit. That would be so boss. I could have a meal like this every week."

"Sir, please. You're making me uncomfortable."

Second tilted his head at her.

"'Uncomfortable'? That's all you have to say about this? I'm eating a pegasus right in front of you and talking about virgin sacrifices, and you're just 'uncomfortable'?"

"Umm..."

"I'll be honest. I'm actually doing this because I wanted to see how far I'd have to go before you complained. Damn, you have a high tolerance for my bullshit."

He turned to Thug Lyfe.

"You. You're overdue to say something stereotypical."

"Cracker be trippin'."

"Mmhmm."

Second tore the other wing off the pegasus and held it out to Silver once again.

"It's really not actually a pegasus. These are a bunch of different meats I conjured up and changed to resemble a pony to test you. These wings are chicken. They're actually quite nice. You're good to eat them if you want to."

Silver stared at the wing for a second and hesitantly accepted it out of curiosity. She took a small nibble, feeling extremely uncomfortable about the whole thing.

"It's...alright," she confessed, "Surprisingly good, actually. Not excellent, but I could eat it if I had to."

"I was lying, of course. You just ate Private Black Pepper."

Silver turned to the side and vomited. Second and the zebra just burst into laughter.

"That was hilarious! Best idea ever, Thug Lyfe. You and I should go on a pranking spree next time we're in Secopolis. Fuck with all the other military types. We could make a day of it! What do you think, Silver?"

The pegasus mare gave Thug Lyfe the evil eye.

"That sounds wonderful, sir," she said icily.

You're dead, zebra.


***


"There it is," said Celestia as they walked onto the bridge, "Mt. Celestia. Home of the Harmonites, and the secret to getting your elements working again."

A blizzard raged outside the airship, the snow only prevented from coming inside by Ancient Tome's magical shields over the window frames, which he had not removed since the group meeting earlier that day. Though their view was tinted slightly purple, they could clearly see the mountain beyond, taller than even Canterlot used to be and snow white from top to bottom.

"What's causing this weather?" asked Gold Coin as he stepped over to her side, "Surely this isn't pony made? You said this was isolated up here. Are the Harmonites responsible for this blizzard?"

"This area has wild weather, like the Everfree forest once had."

The ponies looked over to the side to see Princess Luna approaching. She had been here on the bridge for most of their journey, acting as captain and guiding the Prometheus with their help from navigation.

"Why is that?" asked Tome, "What causes the weather anomalies?"

"Demons, I would imagine," Celestia replied, grimness obvious in her voice, "Long time ago, before my rule, demonic entities called the windigoes that fed off of the disharmony between ponies caused great blizzards like this that forced a pony migration from the old kingdom to what is known as Equestria today.

"For many thousands of years even after the Eclipse Crisis, the Everfree forest also used to have wild weather, because it was home to a being called the Crystal Demon, and the strange weather in there ceased when it was slain by Spike. Tartarus, native home of the demons, also suffers weather issues, and we had rogue weather all across Equestria when Tirac invaded one thousand years ago.

"The recognisable pattern is, if there's unnatural weather, it's usually a demonic force to blame. The frozen north has always been like it, so whatever's causing it has been here a while. I imagine the Harmonites would know more about it."

"Well," said Softy, "Let's hope they're not as organised as the last ones."


***


The chairman was forced onto his knees in the centre of the circular room. All around him, a number of red-skinned lizard creatures laughed.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" bellowed the largest one, sat at a podium in front of him, "FINALLY! We meet face to face! Chairman Gringdigrok of the Galactic Alliance, who dares show himself in the territory of the mighty Delkrampic Empire!"

Gringdigrok bowed his head in frustration. His restraints prevented any major movement. There was little else he could do.

"You were foolish, to come here when you knew that our warships raid and destroy any Alliance vessel we see! Good thing we did not outright destroy yours however, so that we could finally bring to justice the leader of our empire's greatest opponent! Not that your pitiful Alliance is much of a match for us now! For we have heard stories, of a new enemy you face! Tell us, is it true what they say? Was your weakling little planet really wiped out?"

The chairman nodded uncomfortably.

"It is true. Nostos is gone. As is the entire Chellgrad system. Indeed, all Alliance systems beyond Chellgrad can be reasonably assumed to have been destroyed as well."

The lizard creature gave a big toothy grin.

"Oh, hoho! Isn't this a day for joyous celebration?! The ever self righteous Galactic Alliance, who condemned us so for our endorsement of slavery and our war tactics, now lies in ruins, while the Empire remains strong!"

Gringdigrok looked up at them.

"It won't for long. Whatever it was that was doing it, our new enemy is a great mass of destruction, the likes of which no-one has ever seen before. It is moving in the direction of your empire, and it ruins all in its path. In so little time, just two standard days, it has wiped out nearly half of the Alliance. The Delkrampic Empire stands even less chance. We were unable to save ourselves even with the Time Lords on our side. You are nothing."

"YOU SPEAK OF THE EMPIRE AS NOTHING?!"

"I do, Emperor Friegrelsh. Your reckoning is coming. What you do to me matters not now, and I have no desire to further put off my own death. It is coming either way, and when it arrives, we will all die together. If you hadn't had my fellow councilmen executed when your raiding party took our ship, they'd have stood by my side and told you the same."

The emperor growled at him, but then sighed in defeat as he realised the truth of his words.

"It seems...perhaps we have a need to help each other," he offered, "My empire has resources too. What can be done to combat this thing?"

A klaxon alarm began blaring throughout the complex. Everyone but the chairman and the emperor looked up at the ceiling or to each other, fear evident in their reptilian features. Friegrelsh remained completely still, shocked into silence and inaction, while Gringdigrok smiled sympathetically at him.

Suddenly, the chairman began to feel somewhat colder, and dust began to fly around in the air as if the wind was picking up. How though? They were inside...

Then he heard that familiar noise, and he knew he was saved.


***


Explodey sat up. He was once again in the void. Just in front of him, First was sitting in the same comfy chair as last time, wearing a pair of reading glasses and holding an open book. He looked up to see the unicorn, and removed his reading glasses to stare disbelievingly at him. Explodey looked around him to examine his surroundings.

"Waking up in a strange place with a guy I barely know," he commented, "It's just another morning, for Explodey McGee."

"...Seriously. How the FUCK do you keep getting here?!" First demanded.

Explodey jumped up right in front of the human and leaned over him and his chair.

"You! Where's Broad Sword?! I'm here on official business!"

First sunk into his chair to try and distance himself from Explodey, who was uncomfortably close. Without a word he snapped his fingers, and there was a flash of light to his left. He slipped out from under Explodey and got away while his harasser turned to face the other pony.

"Broad Sword?"

"Explodey? How did you-? HHGHHNN!"

He began to gasp for air.

"Explodey...I can't breathe..." he rasped, "Stop hugging me..."

"Sorry."

Broad Sword fell to ground as his friend let go.

"Now, you have some explaining to do!" Explodey began, "Point the first, you getting killed. Why did you go and do that? Point the second, the Second. He's still out there being a douche, and we've got no Element of Loyalty to help us get rid of him because you're all dead and stuff. Point the third, Sliske. Did you know you were his first ever friend? He didn't take that whole 'you dying' business too well. Point the fourth. You never told me you were gay! In fact, you explicitly denied that you were! Lying to my face, Swordy. Shame on you."

"Well, what reason would I have to tell you?" the earth pony replied, "I did that a few times before in some other social circles and it just made things awkward. Nopony needs to know about whether or not I like stallions when it's not relevant! Besides, you would have just teased me even more! Kept getting me all...flustered."

"I wouldn't have if you didn't want me to! I was just having fun with you. And you just looked so cute when you were blushing...Yeah, like you are now."

Broad Sword looked away from him in embarrassment.

"Hey, come on. Look at me."

"...What?"

"See, I think it was relevant. You just didn't want to tell me, and I think I can guess why."

Broad Sword scraped the ground with a hoof.

"Damn, you are REALLY shy, aren't you? Swordy, am I going to have to make the first move?"

The earth pony smiled meekly at him.

"...It would help."

Explodey trotted over to his side and sat next to him, and pulled Broad Sword into another embrace, gentler this time.

"Now, I'm only here for a short time," he said quietly, "Any death I can experience is very temporary. So...while I'm here, I want you to know that-"

There was another flash of light. Explodey disappeared and Broad Sword fell flat on his face.

"...MOTHERF-"


***


"OH GOD, YES!"

Second slammed a fist on the table as he convulsed.

"Sir?! What's wrong?"

"NOTHING'S WRONG, SILVER! I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!"

"Yo Second, my pasty white nigga, why you be moaning like yo ridin' a fat bitch?"

"BECAUSE SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, EXPLODEY MCGEE IS MISERABLE! AND HIS PAIN IS DELICIOUS TO ME!"

END




















Author's notes:

This chapter was approved by several black people, so you know.


So anyway, sorry for the delays, I'll release more deleted scenes to compensate. As usual I hope no-one got offended, and if they didn't, then I'm really beginning to wonder just what I'd have to do to actually offend someone. I'm sure there must be some sort of line I'm not allowed to cross, but for the life of me, I can't find the damn thing.

This and the next chapter were going to be a single one, but...you know...fuck it.

In other news, Draven's continuing work on Shades, I am gradually coming close to finishing the initial planning and writing of King Machine, I read a whole book in a day because I'm a boss, Draven's threatening to make a porn spin-off unless I keep in line, and pretty soon I'm going to finish Fallout: New Vegas at long last, so those of you that care can look forward to my feature length review of that game, its DLCs and my contribution to the Vegas vs. 3 debate in my blog. Because as we all know, people arguing about video games on the internet is the height of entertainment.

Next chapter: A pony unironically named Steroid Abuser.