[DAY 210]
I'm Golden Gild, earth pony mare.
My dragonfriend Spike and I dated for six months before moving in together. I knew he wasn't the neatest guy in the world, but when I went out of town for business for a few days, I was hoping he wouldn't let the place go to hell.
But when I walked through that door...
"Ugh, are you serious?"
I realized he was a hopeless slob at heart.
"Hey, you," Spike chimed, stepping into the filthy living room. "You're home early."
"I told you I would be home Saturday afternoon."
"Well it's 1:30. It's not really afternoon."
"Spikey, that makes zero sense."
"Anyways, I was just about to start cleaning."
"Uh huh..."
"You're mad."
"No, I'm not mad, but it would be nice to come home to a clean house."
"L-Listen, I'm on it. I swear."
We'd only been living under the same roof for a month. But as much as I loved him, I couldn't go on living like this.
[DAY 211]
"How did you not see this coming?"
"We always hung out at my house, June. When we finally did go over to his place, he blamed the mess on his roommate."
I unloaded everything on my friend, Junebug. She liked Spike, but she knew this was an ongoing issue for us.
"You can't force someone to change, right?" I sighed.
"Uh, the hell you can't." June scoffed. "What's the point of getting into a relationship with someone if you can't mold them into something better?"
"I don't-"
"Look, check this out."
"Fine, I'll try anything at this point."
June showed me a clip from a documentary on her laptop that was truly nasty.
"Ugh, no!"
But I immediately figured it just might be crazy enough to actually work.
[DAY 212]
"Alrighty, tonight I'm choosing. We're watching a documentary."
"Aww, you know how much I hate documentaries." Spike groaned. "Come on, let's watch a comedy. I hate to think when I watch a movie."
"Okay, I'll tell you what. If you do this for me now, I will do something for you later."
"Well start it up, Goldie. What is this about? I already like it."
"Great..."
The film was called "Nasty Roommates: The Microscopic Inhabitants of Your Home."
One thing I knew about Spike, he was really afraid of bugs.
Like, really afraid.
So I was pretty sure he would react big time to the fact that millions of microscopic critters can invade a dirty home.
"Sweet Celestia, what IS that?" he gagged, staring at the tiny bugs on the screen.
"They occupy our skin, our clothes, our beds," the narrator stated. "Everywhere we go, they go along for the ride."
It was working, Spike was getting sucked in. I'd never seen him so terrified.
"In fact, dead skin makes up 90% of the dust on the floors, and a plethora of creatures reside within as well."
CRUNCH!
"Oh, man!" Spike squealed.
"Is it too much for you?" I asked.
"No, no, i-it's very informative. Very, very informative."
By the time it was over, Spike looked like a kid coming out of his first horror film. I felt bad that he was still squirming that night in bed, but I figured it was for his own good.
"You okay, Spike?"
"Y-Yeah, I......I need a shower."
I had no idea what I'd started by showing him that movie.
[DAY 213]
The next morning, I realized Spike never came back to bed.
And to my surprise, the place was spotless.
The dishes were done, the appliances looked brand-new, and it wasn't even 8AM.
"Whoa..."
"Good morning, you."
And there he was, looking nice and and tidy...
And wearing my too-small-for-him clothes.
"Why are you wearing my clothes?"
"My clothes are all in the wash and drying, so I just put this on." he stated. "But don't worry, I'm gonna do your laundry next and I'll wash this next."
"Hee, you don't have to do my laundry."
"No, no, listen. I got the message watching the documentary, I understand. It's time for me to start cleaning and doing my part around here. Sorry, I've been a mess."
"Thank you, Spikey."
"You're welcome."
And that was the first day of the new Spike. Things around the house were never gonna be the same again.
Never.
[DAY 220]
First came the excessive cleaning.
Then came the changes around the house...
"Okay, Goldie, open your eyes."
Like our new air mattress.
"What did you do with my bed?" I huffed.
"Oh, I got rid of it." Spike nodded. "Don't you know that after eight years, a mattress doubles in weight because of dead skin, sweat and dust mites? It's like sleeping in a graveyard, eww."
[DAY 226]
It even affected our sex life.
"Spike, what happened to your arm?"
And not in a good way.
"I shaved."
"Shaved? But dragons don't grow hair. You just cut the skin."
"I know, just being thorough. I mean, you'd be amazed how many germs and microbes live in your hair and body. It's gross."
"You shaved......everything?"
"Everything. Why would I shave one part of the forest if they're just gonna migrate to the next."
It was the strangest sex I've ever had.
It was like doing it with a dolphin.
[DAY 242]
"Hi, babe."
I tried to be supportive of Spike's new lifestyle, but after a month of it, there was only so much I could take.
"What are you doing home so early?"
"Oh, I had to quit my job today." he said.
"What do you mean? Quit?"
"I had to, the place was filthy. It was appalling, I couldn't even use the bathroom."
He made it sound like he worked on a pig farm.
He worked in an accounting office.
"Do you even realize how insane you sound?" I snorted. "This obsession with cleanliness has GOT to stop."
"I don't understand," Spike shrugged. "When we first moved in together, all you did was complain about a slob I was, and now I start cleaning and you're still mad at me? It's just not fair."
He was right. This was my fault.
"Can you do me a favor, Gold? You have some soiled skivvies in the bedroom, can you bring them in here?"
"No."
And I had no idea how to put the genie back in his bottle.
[DAY 245]
"I'm telling ya, June, I've created a monster."
"Ha, it can't be that bad."
"I'd have to wrap myself in plastic wrap if I wanted to make love."
"At least you can still have a sense of humor about it."
"That wasn't a joke, he actually told me that."
"Oh......oh, my. Maybe it's ultimatum time. Either he goes back to being a slob, or you're out."
"I don't know."
Ultimatums aren't really my style, but I had to do something. And quick.
[DAY 247]
I did some research online and stumbled across a little gem called immersion therapy. The way I figured it, the only way to get Spike to kick the clean...
"No, don't pour the syrup all over the- awwww, I just cleaned there!"
Was to get him down and dirty.
I'm talking filthy.
"Don't do it."
"Hmm?"
"No, keep that tongue away from the counter."
"Mmm-mmm."
"Don't do- ewwwwwww, ughhh!"
And that was just the beginning.
For the next week, there would be no mopping, no dishes, no disinfectant and dirty laundry everywhere.
[DAY 254]
And then came the final test.
I gathered up all the dirty laundry, put it in the middle of the living room and forced him to handle it.
Not so extreme for a sane pony.
"Come on, you got it." I nodded.
But for Spike, it would be like touching roadkill.
"This one- ugh," he panted nervously, reaching for a shirt. "I dunno if I can-"
"It's touching you're skin, you're doing good."
"I......yeah, I am. I-I'm feeling great."
"There ya go."
"Look at me, I'm better!"
Spike seemed completely normal again. And I actually went to work that day thinking that things were finally gonna go back to normal.
That was not the case.
"OMC..."
I came home to find firefighters surrounding my house.
"Spike, are you okay?!"
"Oh, yeah..." he uttered.
"What the hell happened?!"
"Well......you're not gonna like this, but, uh..."
Turns out, Spike definitely wasn't as okay as I thought he was.
He lasted a little while after I left, but then he snapped. He gathered up all the dirty laundry with a plan to kill all the creepy things he was sure infested everything.
The bathroom went up in flames.
He could've burnt the entire place to the ground.
"Got a little soot there, Goldie, lemme-"
"I will bucking kill you."
"My bad."
Spike met somepony much more suitable for him. Another clean freak.
I hear they're very happy.
Golden started dating one of the firefighters she met that night.
Spike landed in the psych ward after falling into the kids pool at a waterpark.