Baking for Humble Pie

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When Pinkie Pie is visited by an unexpected guest, she suspects the pony of planning to ruin tomorrow's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament. But then her friends find out that they're up against a bigger challenge than they'd supposed…

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“I don’t believe it,” Twilight said, rummaging through the tome of Equestria Games and Rules, A Guide to Running for Events and Races and other Enjoyable Games. “He’s beaten all the Pegasus Division challenges, and all the Earth Pony Division challenges, and he’s nearly beaten all the Unicorn Division ones. You can’t do that! Nopony has ever done that before!”

“An’ he’s done it. But what abou’ the final? Can challenger go up against challenger?”

“No, but he won’t have to. All he has to do is defeat all the other challengers first. The best competitor besides him will have to do his challenge. I hate to think what he’s going to put her through! Ah! It’s all so weird! It hurts just trying to keep up with this crazy train of loopholes! He is one sick-minded pony.”

“Oh, give it a rest, would you, Twilight?” said Rainbow Dash from her wheelchair.

“I will give it a rest, once I’ve found a way to get us out of this mess using THE RULES!” Twilight pored over page after page of the rulebook in her lap.

“Ah’m sorry, Twilight. Ah guess there’s jus’ no wormin’ our way out of this one.”

The rulebook levitated out of her lap, and Twilight was suddenly bucked out of her chair and onto the soil.

“Enough chit-chat,” Humble said. “The last challenge awaits, and you’re sitting around, reading little filly’s books, Twilight. I expected better from the pony who once had to be disciplined by her own mentor for a certain little misuse of… what was it again? A want-it-need-it spell, wasn’t it?”

“Don’t listen ter him,” Applejack whispered to the growling Twilight. “He’s jus’ tryin’ to trick yer into makin’ a mistake.”

“Don’t you think this green gem matches my eyes?” said Humble, puffing out his chest to show off the emerald necklace. “I’m almost glad I won it when I did. It makes this particular challenge a lot easier for me.”

“Oh, I see your little game,” said Twilight. “I see your little game. Start off with nothing, then get the geometry set. Out-geometrise Applejack, and you get a punch bag. Beat the wrestling challenge, and you get the green gem.”

“Yes, what an uncanny string of coincidences. I have no idea how it came about. Well, I do like to save the best for last,” said Humble, gesturing to the arena. “Shall we?”

They were positioned in a circular clearing, surrounded by the gnarled and rotting vegetation of the Everfree Forest. A sun symbol had been magically painted onto the wooden arena, engulfing most of the circle’s surface area. The rim was a purple circumference, thick enough for a pony to walk around, separated from the middle of the arena by a long red rope that didn’t seem to be supported by anything, though for decorative purposes golden poles were placed every few paces around the ring. Here, ponies sat by and watched the performance. It seemed like the entire town had turned up, though as Twilight reflected, it was more likely that many of them were visitors from outside the town, and most of Ponyville’s residents were attending kiosks, drowning their sorrows with donuts.

“We mus’ be right close ter Zecora’s hut here,” whispered Applejack to Rainbow Dash. “Wonder if she’ll turn up.”

“I thought I heard a strange new sound,
“So I came down, and look what I found.”

“Hey, glad yer could make it,” said Applejack. “Ah ain’t sin yer fer a long time.”

“I’m afraid brute contests aren’t my thing,
“But while I passed, I heard great magic sing.”

“That’ll be Twilight. She’s goin’ up against some new big-shot,” said Applejack. “He’s beaten near everypony else, and if he wins, he gets the town.”

But Zecora was barely listening. She was peering closer at Humble Pie, who was on the other side of the arena. With a gasp, she began babbling in Swahili.

“Zecora?” Applejack said, somewhat nervously, as a few ponies around them were muttering about Zecora’s use of language. “What’s eatin’ you?”

“That amulet around his neck,
“Contains a gem as powerful as heck.
“I hope your friend is very strong,
“For the measure of him she may have measured wrong.”

In the arena before them, Twilight heard Zecora’s words and suspicion crept into her. She peered closer at the green gem.

“Yer can do it, Twilight!” Applejack shouted hastily. “Knock that sucker down a few pegs!”

“Yeah, let him have it, Twi!” Rainbow Dash added. Zecora rubbed her chin thoughtfully.

On the other side, Humble’s smirk was clearly visible. Twilight bared her teeth in an unconvincing grin in reply.

As one, the two challengers marched towards each other. The crowd fell to a hush, which had completely died away when they met face-to-face in the centre. They both stopped.

“Tell me, Humble,” Twilight said, while they had this opportunity to whisper. “How did you end up leaving the Royal Guard?”

“There weren’t enough promotion possibilities for me there. Impressive, considering I’d just joined up.”

“I bet Celestia saw right through your little game,” said Twilight with a smirk. Humble leaned forwards, but she didn’t back off.

“Save your cockiness for when we finish this little game, filly,” he hissed.

Private victory to her, she thought. They straightened up. Both made an about-turn. As the crowd made its silent bets, the two magic-wielders took slow, deliberate steps towards the opposite ends of the arena. One… two… three…

Applejack heard a munching beside her, and looked. Rainbow Dash had a bucket of popcorn in her lap.

“Be a little more supportive!” There was another crunch to her other side. Zecora was munching on her own popcorn too. Applejack slapped her own forehead.

Knees shaking, Twilight tried not to think of her bed. Tiredness began to sweep over her. Not now, she thought. Oh, please, please, please not now.

She whipped around and fired off a stream of purple light at the same instant Humble fired a green laser from his necklace. The two blasts met in the middle. Several audience members donned sunglasses.

Then the purple light shot through the green and closed in on a now very startled Humble.

A leap aside delivered him from the blast. It continued on, but just before it met the red rope, it flared out as if against a glass dome and fizzed out. All the same, the ponies raised their hooves to shield their eyes.

Two more shots followed Humble as he raced around the rim of the arena. Twilight was baring her teeth and aiming as her magical horn glowed, powered up, and then fired off burst after burst of pulsating purple lights. Among the explosions, more audience members donned earmuffs.

Horrified, Humble stared at the spot. He was still staring when he heard a pop behind him, and as he turned, he hastily stepped aside as another blast of magic scorched past. It left a smoking patch where he had been standing.

There was more cantering of hooves, and more blasting, punctuated by more flashes of light, more pops, and more cries of alarm.

“Oh, yeah, now that’s entertainment,” Rainbow Dash said, stuffing more popcorn into her mouth. Applejack’s face contorted.

“Get your own!” Dash held them out of reach. “You should have bought some at the kiosk.”

“My goodness me, that little filly,"
“Is chasing him all willy-nilly.
“Is she not being a little dour,
“Firing off such explosive power?”

“Nah," said Applejack to the zebra. "Twilight knows what she’s doin’. She’d never go overboard.”

Twilight let out a war cry and was now crouched in an attack position. Behind her, several chairs, tables, and stools rose up in a fireworks display of purple and hovered, ready to strike.

“HHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYA!” Everything shot over Twilight’s head towards Humble, who looked like he’d just seen a runaway train coming for him. Crashing furniture and smashing wood charted where he had been just seconds ago, as he weaved a ballet of the utmost terror. Twilight teleported again and he was knocked aside by the splash of another purple bolt from behind.

As he lay on his side, completely stunned, purple smoke rose from his singed tail. He punched the dizziness out of his ears and raised it for a proper look. He made no further movement until a table was thrown at him, which he blocked with a backhoof, and he back-flipped onto all four hooves again. A green shot from his necklace was casually intercepted by a burst of purple lightning.

“This has gone far enough, little filly,” he growled, like a tiger with a struggling deer. The green gem fired up.

Twilight’s panicky expression, which she hadn’t changed for the entirety of the fight, so afraid was she of losing, switched to puzzlement. Those audience members who had refused to put on earmuffs searched around for the source of the whirring noise.

Twilight turned around as, over the tree canopy, a pair of mechanical wings cleared the leaves and sliced through the magical bubble. With a shriek, she ducked as it nearly decapitated her, and it hovered over Humble’s back. The green glows around it and the necklace faded once it was fitted neatly into place.

The aquamarine hulk rose up like a demon from the purple smoke. Twilight gaped up at him.

Twilight aimed another shot, but he slid aside with ease. As he circled overhead, further purple shots missed and blew up around the purple shield, causing its already torn magical fabric to shut down.

“Oh no!” wailed Twilight. But as her horn glowed to repair the falling shield, an emerald blast shot down next to her, making her jump.

Humble fell into a dive, tucking back his mechanical wings to clear the way for a volley of emerald shots. Twilight replied in kind, her shots incinerating his and heading straight for his necklace. With each strike, the gem glowed more fiercely.

With a snarl, the airborne pony shook his head and the necklace came flying off, the green gem pulsing with energy. Random shots fired from it. Twilight couldn’t run fast enough as green clouds exploded around her. One of the blasts struck her glowing head, followed by the emerald. A blast of purple light blew it to pieces, but there was a cry of pain and a burst of green clouds and suddenly nothing could be seen.

It took a long time for the green cloud to clear, though the process went much faster when Humble landed with a gust of air right beside its centre. Twilight Sparkle’s body was revealed.

Twilight opened her eyes, trying to fight back the urge to sleep. Then she looked at her forehead.

Everypony hastily put back their earmuffs to avoid hearing the long, pained, tortured scream. Applejack and Zecora rushed forwards, knocking the rope aside – Rainbow Dash tried to, but jerked forwards too far and toppled her wheelchair over.

Comforting forelegs closed around Twilight’s sobbing head, and when she looked up, the reassuring face of Applejack was right next to her. Zecora was angrily staring down Humble Pie.

“Have you no shame, you pompous beast?
“Have you no regard for rules at least?
“By cheating, you have Twilight cowed!
“The contest said no wings allowed!”

Angry outbursts from the crowd reinforced this outcry. Humble’s chest puffed up indignantly.

“How dare you accuse me of cheating? I won fair and square. First one to disarm the other’s horn, or in my case amulet, wins. I disarmed her horn, so I win.”

“Yer done much more than that ter it, yer bull-at-a-gate! Don’t you worry none, Twilight, we’ll have that there horn nice an’ fixed up in no time.”

Twilight’s sobbing had reduced to a lot of snuffling. She was trying to hold back tears, her lips wobbling with the effort.

“There was no explicit rule against using wings, so there.” Humble received a murderous look from Applejack for this. “And now, ladies and gentlecolts, the last challenge of the Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament has been won! I am now the new Mayor of Ponyville! I shall expect to see you all this evening, when the new age of ponydom shall begin!”

He marched off, surrounded by the muttering crowd, who were throwing him evil looks and hanging their heads morosely. He paused to pick up the remainder of the necklace with his teeth. The gem was smashed like a broken window, but still glowed at his touch. Contemptuously, he dropped it onto his back.

“Oh yes, and before I go,” said Humble, turning around at the edge of the arena, “I have your little wager to collect.”

With a green glow, a pile of indigo books shot over their heads. Twilight’s whole face seemed to explode with alarm.

“My complete collection of the Encyclopedia Equestria!” she shrieked. “NO!”

“What a lovely bit of reading I have for the rest of this afternoon. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll write up some new chapters for the next edition, paying particular attention to the history section.”

Twilight was making some funny breathing noises, and as Applejack looked down she saw Twilight clutch her ribs.

Zecora rushed over. Rainbow Dash struggled to push her wheelchair upright, and as the last of the crowd trotted away, Rarity was hobbling to her fallen friend’s side as fast as her legs could carry her. One of her legs was in a sling.

From the stage, Applejack cried out: “Sit up, bend yer knees, don’t eat or drink nothin’ – somepony get her some pillows – breath slowly an’ deeply, an’ don’t move yerself unnecessarily. OW! Somepony-get-her-somethin’-ter-squeeze! She’s-squeezin’-mah-hoof! OOOW!”

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Pinkamena tied up a ribbon in her hair, slapped a pair of glasses onto Fluttershy, and looked across the round table. Gummy clamped onto her hair and hung there lazily.

“Good news, gentlecolts,” she said, while Gummy swung beneath her. “Oh, and Fluttershy. The Pinkie Pie challenge has been completely, utterly, and, I would go so far as to say, utterly not-beaten! And, to celebrate our glorious victory, I have prepared a speech which I think adequately covers the feelings of every pony present here.”

Pinkamena’s “war room”, as she called it, consisted of a table and several chairs filled with stuffed toys. It was anypony’s guess how she’d managed to carry it upstairs from the party room. The pink pony had also managed to rope Fluttershy into this meeting via “debriefing,” which Fluttershy presumed involved being shouted at, looked at in a funny way, and generally terrified beyond all reason.

“Here is my speech,” said the officious pony, holding up a scroll in her hooves. “Ahem: ‘Humble sucks, Pinkie rocks. Pinkie Pie will knock your socks… off.’ If you wear any. Oh, and if you don’t mind hoof-scratch.”

How is she even holding it up? Hooves shouldn’t be able to do that. Despite these thoughts, Fluttershy attempted a clap. It sounded like two coconuts clopping together.

“Yay, Pinkie,” said Fluttershy, with a nervous titter. “That was a wonderful song.”

“SONG? Didn’t you hear me? It was an official speech. Completely fictional, and any resemblance to rhymes living or not-living are entirely coincidental. And in any case are mine, since we don’t have copyright laws in Equestria.”

Always nervous at the best of times, the yellow pegasus shrank away from the incoming glaring face, as if its anger was a stinger missile that could have its sensors confused by trembling.

“Oh, but I really like your songs, especially the one you sung yesterday at the lunchtime party at Twi–”

“Enough idle chit-chat.” Pinkamena stopped in front of Fluttershy before judging her to be sufficiently intimidated, and when the winged pony was brave enough to peek, she saw her tormentor walking to the other end of the room. It was anypony’s guess what new crosswind of thought had caught that mind, but whatever it was drove Little Miss Madness to pull out a cardboard box from under her bed. She rummaged through it noisily.

“Chit-chats?” said Fluttershy, ears drooping while she attempted a brave smile. “Why don’t we go get some chit-chats from the Cakes downstairs?”

“Don’t be silly, Fluttershy. You can't eat chit-chats.” Pinkamena placed a few items on the bedside table, but was careful to obscure them from Fluttershy’s view with a foreleg. “Now, trifles, those you can eat…”

“Oh, um great. I mean, oh great. Perhaps we could get some trifles instead? I know I’m hungry after watching you do all that hard work.”

“Fluttershy, stop being so naïve. There’s no time for trifles. I need to focus on one big fruitcake.”

“But,” said Fluttershy, who was subconsciously pushing for first place in the stick-your-hoof-in-it-as-far-as-it’ll-go championship, “he’s a pony.”

“He’s a fruitcake if I say he is!” One cardboard box was shoved under the bed. The offending hoof then scooped up a molehill of items and took them over to the round table. “Come on, Flutters, this is serious.”

“But… so am I.” Fluttershy’s wings fell by her sides. She looked at Pinkamena’s bedside table, and saw something – presumably something Pinkamena’s scoop had missed – next to the untouched glass of chocolate milk.

“Pinkie, when did you make this?” said Fluttershy, flying over to it. She landed by its side, and picked up what looked like something made by the party pony herself.

It was a small rock. At first glance, a very unremarkable chunk of rock. At a second glance, if you twisted your eyes and squinted a little bit, it might, in the right light, look a little like a pony’s head, but only if the pony in question had a lopsided eye, a mouth longer on one side than the other, and a very knobbly mane.

“Don’t touch that!” Pinkamena snatched it off her. “It’s a gift. It’s very important to me.”

With painstaking reverence, the box was pulled out, and the stone was placed very carefully inside it. A gentle shove returned the box to its place under the bed.

“And don’t look at me like that, silly! This is far more important than even cake. The fate of Ponyville rests in our hooves, gentlecolts,” said the mock-general to the stuffed animals, “and we cannot be lax about our duty.”

“No singing! No dancing!” A googly stick was snatched up from the molehill of items and was rapped smartly on the table. Fluttershy shot back to her original seat and kept still, hoping not to get noticed. It didn't work. “Any suggestions? You, law and artillery officer.”

“Yes, you. The one I’m pointing at. How do you propose we stop this invasion? You are reading that law book I gave you, aren’t you?”

“Look, Fluttershy,” said Pinkamena, who seemed to be enjoying bipedalism so much that she was walking over to the law and artillery officer with both hooves behind her back. Gummy let go of her hair and bounced on the floor like a squeaky toy. “I’ll put this as delicately as I can: he’s a raving self-centred show-off and a compulsive liar. There will be no parties until his unwelcome croup is flying at sixty knots over the horizon. If he becomes Mayor, that will be a horrible day, for all of us. No parties.” Pinkamena stopped right in front of the chair – or rather, at the back of the chair, as her target had just ducked behind it.

What little of Fluttershy that could be seen over the backrest blanched; Pinkie Pie, turning down a party?

“Like this,” Pinkamena said, and nearly head-butted her. “ ‘You will work HARDER! Can you imagine how pleased mother and father would be if we did double the quota? Or how even more impressed they would be if you did triple? Quadruple? And you being such weak and helpless ponies, too! It would be an incredible story! The three fillies, outperforming the entire neighbourhood! Our parents would be so proud. Pull more carts! Carry more rocks! Work longer! Later! Through rain and storm! Through hail and mist! Through summer heat and winter chill! Forget everything else! What else but a weak foal would do less than they could? You failed? You failed! You are all pathetic! How can you realise your potential if you don’t work? How will you earn your cutie marks now? You are a lazy, good-for-nothing, ungrateful, whining, self-hating pony! And you, you are even worse! You are a bad pony! And do you know what happens to bad ponies? Do you?’ ”

“If Humble becomes Mayor of Ponyville, he’ll think that what we save ourselves up to do for one day at the Tournament should be done every day! Gentlecolts, I propose that if the enemy wishes to ignore Queen’s filly rules, then we shall ignore Queen’s filly rules too. I propose that it is time we entered the pony’s den.” Pinkamena seized a post-it note and a pencil. “And I think I know just what to do.” And she began scribbling, biting her tongue in concentration.

“Well… OK… I’ll leave you alone for a while then, shall I?” Fluttershy said.

“Well, uh,” said Fluttershy, her ears drooping and her mouth twitching. “I’m going to, you know, I’ll just…”

“All done! Let’s go!” Pinkamena seized Fluttershy by the wings and dragged her out of the door.

Remember, Fluttershy, thought the pony whose rear end was bouncing on the steps as she was dragged down, this is all for a good cause. This is all for a good cause.

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“Pinkie Pie, you’re my last hope, my last hope,” said the Mayor to herself, approaching Sugar Cube Corner. She was twitching and gasping with horror at what she’d just seen.

She saw the sign. There was a post-it hastily slapped onto it, with icing all over it. The Mayor quickly read it.

“Found some time off from challenge to go and do a little prying, but just to make sure, I’ve left an ‘out to lunch’ sign hanging. Signed, Pink.”

The Mayor raised the post-it, but the sign merely announced in painted black letters “Pinkie Pie’s Challenge here.” She looked behind it, and found another post-it stuck to the other side. She peeled it off and read it.

“Found some time off from challenge to go and get some lunch, but just to make sure, I’ve left an ‘out prying’ sign hanging. Signed, Pink.”

There was another post-it that fell off the back of this one. The Mayor read this one too.

“P.S. Fluttershy is with me. I hope you don’t mind. Out prying. Signed, Pink.”

Then she screamed at the top of her lungs. “PINKIE PIE! WHERE IS PINKIE PIIIIIIIEEEE?”

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The room was ascetic, resembling a shed with an iron bedstead in the far corner, a dull square window next to the door, and an oval mirror hanging on the opposite wall. When Roadside Stables claimed to canter for every pony’s needs, they really cantered. Sometimes to the other side of Equestria, if their clients shouted loudly enough.

There was some clopping from along the corridor, which stopped short as they reached their loudest.

“Pinkie? Are you sure this is a good idea?” said Fluttershy, as Pinkamena nudged the wooden door open.

“Nothing my brother does is ever a good idea,” said Pinkamena matter-of-factly, as she trotted over to the bare corner. “That’s why I need to make sure he doesn’t ruin any pony’s day.”

Fluttershy gave the room a scan while the Pie pony was at work. Pleasant though the timber was, she couldn’t help but feel somewhat cowed by the lack of ornamentation. She passed on her thoughts to see how Pinkamena would respond, but her friend merely grunted, and a very un-Pinkie-ish grunt it was, too. Fluttershy fell silent after that.

“How…” said Fluttershy, as the parchment was picked up, “how did you know something would be there?”

“Third floorboard from the right. He always did it at home. Now,” said Pinkamena, waving a hoof airily above the ribbon. “Let’s see what he needed to hide that was so important.” She tore off the ribbon and rolled open the parchment. Fluttershy blinked and tried to read over her wither.

After a while, Pinkamena’s eyes widened with each line she read, and her mouth fell open. A gasp rushed into her lungs. Her hooves began to tremble. A weird twitch emerged in her eyelid as she contorted her face in horrified disbelief.

“I… I… I can’t read a word of this! It’s all in fancy pants talk! All the words are too long!”

“Let me see.” Fluttershy plucked it from her grasp and read over it herself. She gasped. “Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my. The others must see this.”

“It’s an old law he was hiding. He’s been cheating all along. It means that we can stop him from taking the town,” Fluttershy said.

“MY GOODNESS!” Pinkamena shrieked, frightening Fluttershy so much she froze up. “Then the others really do have to see this! Come on, we’ve got everything we need,” she said, giving Fluttershy a push for the exit, “so let’s go.”

“I said, let’s go.” Fluttershy, still locked up in nervousness, was pushed, with much groaning and heaving, towards the door. “You’re… holding… us… back.”

But as they passed the oval mirror, Fluttershy closed her eyes furiously. She unfroze, took a step sideways, and breathed in heavily.

“I’m so sorry,” said Fluttershy, and with a squirm, she seized Pinkamena’s head, ignoring her cries, and positioned her in front of the mirror. The pink pony glared inside.

“Take a good long look, Pinkie Pie,” said Fluttershy. “This isn’t the face of the little pink pony I used to call my friend. Tell me what happened, Pinkie? What happened to that little pink pony? What happened to the little pony who loved throwing parties, who thought laughter was the best cure for everything, who would never let a dark cloud come over those she loved and cared about, whose mission in life was to make every pony happy regardless of whatever she or her friends faced?”

Pinkamena’s hair was a pink cascade around her eyes. She felt her mouth open slightly at the sight.

“Now look at you. The only smiles on that face now are sneers and self-satisfied smirks when you beat other ponies. You’re miserable, and you make others miserable too.” Fluttershy willed the choke out of her voice. “This isn’t about the Tournament or the challenge anymore. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like this new Pinkie. I want the old Pinkie back, the one who I first met in the Sugar Cube Corner bakery, who was there to laugh the fear away when we were in the Everfree Forest, when all of us were together for the first time. Whether we beat your brother…” she said, catching her throat with a hoof, “or whether he wins, I at least want my old friend Pinkie Pie to be there with us when it happens.”

Poor Fluttershy’s entire body drooped as she let go and hovered. Then she drifted hopelessly towards the door.

She hadn’t seen herself like that for so long. Her father had disapproved of mirrors for most of his life until her mother persuaded him to purchase one. She took a long, hard look. She barely noticed Fluttershy, who had paused at the entrance when she realised her friend wasn’t right behind her.

“P-Pinkie?” said a voice next to her. “I’m sorry, it’s just that you said I was holding you back, and I thought that meant –”

“I didn’t want to be Pinkamena,” she said. “I never wanted to be Pinkamena. I wanted to be Pinkie, even when I didn’t know Pinkie was real and the rainbow was all I needed to let her come out. But what other pony could do it?”

Then, she looked to the side of the mirror, and noticed something wedged into the frame - the only ornamentation in this room. She lifted up the falling corner with one hoof and pressed it up against the glass so that it didn’t fall again, and put her foreleg back so that she could see.

It was a crayon drawing; one of her old drawings. There were six ponies in it; an old grey mare and an even older-looking brown stallion, a blue-green colt, and three smaller foals, nearly identical except for their colours. The pink one in the middle had a puffy mane. There were three signatures in the corner – she recognised her sister’s mouthwriting, and all three names.

She remembered: they’d sent this to her brother, after their first party. To make him feel happy, she’d said. Her parents had refused to sign it, for who sends messages to a pony that's been "shunned"? She flipped it over.

“No, don’t cry,” Pinkamena found herself saying to the mirror. “You’re supposed to be happy. Remember the rainbow? Remember the warm fuzzy glow?” She reared up and placed both hooves onto the mirror frame. “Remember your first ever party?”

“Are you OK?” said a voice behind her. With a thrill, Pinkamena recognised it as Fluttershy’s.

“Super-duper,” she said, with increased confidence. “Okey-dokey tastic. I don’t have to be like this. I don’t have to be Pinkamena anymore. She can go get some well-earned rest after all her hard work. Ol’ Pinkie Pie has everything in good hooves!”

A screaming sob broke through the silence. Behind her in the mirror, Pinkamena saw three blobs rising past the window. Three balloons rose out of sight as she turned, pushed open the window and peered out.

On the ground below, an orange coloured foal was bawling at the top of her lungs, while a much larger orange coloured stallion tried to comfort her.

Pinkamena gaped up at the sunny sky as Fluttershy poked her head beside her to see.

“Oh no!” Pinkamena said, as Fluttershy put a hoof to her mouth. “That poor filly’s lost her balloons, and now they’re running away upwards!” She smacked a hoof into her other hoof. “Well, not on MY watch!”

The bawling little youngster was reaching the peak of her screaming when she suddenly fell silent. To her surprise, a shadow was floating down towards them. Her father blinked in surprise, too.

Pinkie Pie landed on her back hooves, three strings clutched between her forelegs. With a smile, she held out the three balloons to the little filly, who beamed and took them, cuddling the strings. Her father smiled down at her.

“Thank you so much,” he said, shaking Pinkie’s hoof. “You’ve really put a smile on her face. I can’t thank you enough.”

“Oh no, I didn’t put it there. It just came out all by itself. But you’re welcome!”

The filly giggled in acknowledgment, and Pinkie and the filly waved after each other as her father smiled more broadly and walked her towards a kiosk for some candy. Fluttershy glided down to her.

“How…” she said, “how… how did you do that? You couldn’t possibly have jumped that high.”

“Oh come on!” Pinkie Pie gave her a nudge and a wink. “You should know who I am by now, Fluttershy.”

And Pinkie hopped all over the road and around Fluttershy and burst out in spontaneous song:

“My friends are waiting for me,
My friends won’t let me down,
Meeting Humble was quite stormy,
And he gave me such a frown.

But when I see my friends today,
I’ll give them such a laugh,
‘Cos Pie times friends plus time to play,
Makes fun in Pinkie Math!

Remember yesterday’s party,
When we all had so much fun,
And though we had that nasty storm,
Just look, here comes the sun!

Rarity was a singer,
And Twilight did her tricks,
Applejack was an apple zinger,
Rainbow Dash had kicks!

Fluttershy, you had moments,
When you were dancing well,
And Pinkie Pie, she tried to fly,
And wasn’t that filly swell?

So raise your chin, little Pinkie,
There’s nothing can go wrong,
‘Cos though your brother is a-stick-in-the-mud,
Your friendship makes you strong!

Laughter! You’ve got to have some
Laughter! Cos it’ll win you
BAFTAs! So sing up to the
Rafters! For happily ever
Afters! You’ve got to have some
Singing, smiling
Laughteeeeeeeeeeeeer!”

To her surprise, Fluttershy found her ears being seized and her head pulled forwards.

Pinkie’s face lunged down and delivered what was probably the biggest, soppiest, and wettest kiss she’d ever bestowed on anypony. When she stretched her lips off, it nearly suckered Fluttershy’s snout with it.

She let go of Fluttershy’s ears. Fluttershy stumbled backwards and forwards in shock. She mumbled something incoherent, leaned over to one side, and with a stunned thump fell over.

“Aaaaaaaallllllllllrighty, then, I’m coming home!” Pinkie stood up tall, while the heavens sung down upon her in a celestial choir. “Let’s. Get. This! Party! STAAAARTEEED!”

She zoomed over the horizon, taking the three hills so speedily their roads briefly detached themselves like ribbons as she passed. The yellow pegasus stood up, knees still feeling weak, and shook herself off.

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“Well, I’m sorry, Twilight,” said Rarity, “But how do you expect me to dress it if you keep sticking your hooves in the way?”

“Rarity, when I said I wanted it dressed, I meant with bandages, not with a tiara and a horn-warmer!”

“The horn-warmer will act just as well as a bandage until the nurse gets here,” said Rarity.

“It offsets the orange wool, darling! Do you really want to trot around looking like a snowcone just dropped onto your head?”

“You think you’ve got a problem?” said Dash, still in her wheelchair. “Look.”

She pointed out, over the assembled and chattering heads of the town square, the two figures moving towards each other upon the stage. When they both stood on the elevated platform in the middle, as if in preparation for a duel, the Mayor quivered as she and Humble Pie stopped, and she heard him breathe in extravagantly. There was a hush from the crowd, as though at a funeral service. Some ponies had black hoods up and were holding mournful chrysanthemums or crying into handkerchiefs.

“Victory,” Humble said. “It has such a pungent smell.” He extended a hoof towards the Mayor. “I’ve come to collect my winnings. Now, the Seal of Mayoralty, if you please?”

The Mayor cradled it in her forelegs and fought back tears as she looked away, offering it to him. Humble reached for it, but paused and scanned the crowd briefly.

“Oh, Pinkamena,” he whispered to himself. “If only you could see me now.”

The crowd looked up. High, high overhead, Pinkie Pie was hanging suspended from the careful hooves of a sky-diving Fluttershy.

“Pinkie Pie!” Fluttershy shouted over the turbulence. “Remind me how you talked me into this?”

“Because I Pinkie dared you, silly. And who dares, WINS! Now, full throttle!”

At the last second, Fluttershy let go and swooped upward, leaving Pinkie freefalling towards the crowd. As she zoomed closer, some could see her protective goggles and her thick green backpack. Rainbow Dash’s jaw hit the ground.

The whistling sound became louder. Some of the crowd members below stepped aside hastily, leaving only her growing shadow on the path. Up high, Pinkie Pie reached across for the green ring and yanked it hard with her hoof.

The pavement cracked with the force of the impact. Several ponies winced – one pony with a lily in her hair groaned and fell in a dead faint.

Pinkie leaped up from the crowd and balanced herself on top of the fountain statue. Then, with a flip she brought forwards the parchment and let it unroll before them all.

The Mayor lowered her forelegs as Pinkie leaped onto the stage and switched the parchments in her hooves.

“Read it,” muttered Pinkie Pie as an aside. “Trust me, it’s a doozy.” She zipped out of the way. The Mayor, somewhat confused, peered closely at the parchment. Humble gaped as he suddenly realised what was about to happen, and Pinkie zipped up close to his ear.

“And if you’re a good pony,” she whispered, “I won’t tell anypony where I found it. Pinkie Pie Promise.”

“This is an old legal document. ‘By order of her royal highness, Princess Celestia,’ ” she read aloud, translating slightly for the less legally-gifted ponies, “ ‘All Mayors of any particular province must be appointed by the majority of the population giving the democratic vote. They can only, however, be appointed by the ponies of their particular province, and cannot be elected into office by ponies whose residence lies outside the province of the Mayoralty. Furthermore, a Mayor cannot hold their office for two or more consecutive terms, nor can they run for any further positions while they are the Mayor of one province, in either case without special appointment by Her Majesty The Princess of Equestria. Signed, Princess Celestia!’ ”

The Mayor gave a whoop, and every face in the crowd was beaming. Applejack stood upright over the sea of ponies.

“Which means that phony pony on that there stage ain’t got no wager to make.”

“That’s not true!” Humble retorted, as Pinkie zipped aside. “I have won a mountain of items to wager over the course of the Tournament!”

He pointed down the road, where a large pile of things stood quivering under their own weight. The apple cart was sitting on top of the pile. As they stared at it, the wooden construction... deconstructed itself. Evidently, Humble had been practising his bucks on it.

“But you can’t wager that after you set the challenge,” Rainbow Dash shouted, coming forwards next to Applejack in her wheelchair. “You had to do it before, so you’ve got nothing, pal.”

“And that means,” said Twilight, moving forwards to join her, “that you don’t fulfil the rulebook’s criteria. Your challenge is nullified.”

The crowd began chanting Pinkie’s name to heartfelt applause. Pinkie beamed down at them, and from nowhere began chanting her own name along with them, bouncing around the stage. Humble watched her open-mouthed, while below him the Mayor hugged her own Seal. She gave him a dirty glare.

“So I’ll be keeping this, if you don’t mind,” the Mayor said, walking away from him and towards Pinkie. He gritted his teeth.

The cheering stopped, except with Pinkie Pie, who kept bouncing around the stage chanting her own name. Humble seized her as she passed and made her stand still.

“You’ve forgotten one thing,” he said. “My challenge may be down, but that just reduces me to the status of another competitor. And that means one of you ponies, one of you challengers,” he spat, aiming a snarl at the four ponies in the crowd, “will have to face off with me in the final. And I don’t think you’re in any condition to do that.”

“Actually,” said the Mayor. “There is one challenger you haven’t beaten yet.”

Humble’s eyes widened. He picked up a nearby chart and ran a hoof along its list of names.

“Nonsense,” he said. “I went through the entire list, in all three Divisions.”

“That’s because you haven’t received the updated list,” said the Mayor, handing him a new chart. “A new challenge was added at the last minute. And the challenger hasn’t been beaten by any pony who’s stood up to her.”

“Who is this?” Humble rushed down the list of names to the last one. His jaw sagged.

“YOU?” he said as Pinkie Pie, who had tried hopping around the stage again, landed in front of him. “You set up a challenge?”

Humble Pie looked like he’d been stunned by a falling anvil. Then he reached forwards and crushed her in an incredible hug.

“Oh, but this is wonderful! This is precisely what I wanted!” He let her go. She seemed completely unruffled, despite the deep grooves where his legs had squeezed her. “Finally, a one-on-one battle between the two eldest Pies. A chance to show all of Equestria just what we are made of! A chance to decide, once and for all, WHO IS THE BEST PONY!”

His thunderous stomp was heard as far away as the Canterlot towers, where Princess Luna looked up from her tome and out the window.

The crowd covered their heads and fell silent. Humble’s chiselled face leaned in close to Pinkie’s childlike eyes.

“I accept your challenge. But be warned, little Pinkamena; I wish to make it perfectly clear that this time, I am not fooling around.” Humble extended a hoof.

“Shouldn’t it be foaling around?” Pinkie Pie stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry. Then she accepted his hoof.

“Ladies and Gentlecolts,” shouted the Mayor over their heads, “I hereby announce the final for the Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament!”

There was a stupendous cheer. Humble and Pinkie gave each other large grins. It was amazing how much contrast they could put into the same expression.

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Baking for Humble Pie

by Impossible Numbers

Part Three: Pinkamena Returns