//------------------------------// // Don't Overthink It // Story: Starlight, Babyslayer vs. The Army of Cozys // by Nebbie //------------------------------// Starlight, covered in black leather armor, with a katana at one hip, a firepony's axe at the other, and an RPG on her back, scanned the horizon of the brightly-sunlit desert with her binoculars from atop her motorcycle. Looking at a column of smoke behind a hill, she turned toward it. As she came up to it, she turned her motorcycle off and slowly walked with it up. Halfway she stopped, setting her motorcycle in between some rocks, then took out a plastic clam and flipped it open. "Commander, I think I'm here. This look right?" After a moment, Spitfire's voice replied "Affirmative. Be careful, Rainbow was no fool, and our fastest flier, and now she's toast." "Yeah, I know. ...and she's not toast if I'm not too late, maybe just buttered bread," Starlight said as she walked to the top of the hill. "Just be prepared. Lightning Dust may not've been a good thinking mare, and that certainly wouldn't improve becoming a Cozy, but she literally had a career based around winning fights with sharp objects, and you're not carrying much else besides those..." Spitfire said. "Right...think she'll happen to be weak to explosives to the face?" asked Starlight. "From range, in the open, and in broad daylight? Only if she's a moron who never learned to dodge. Remember, Twilight fought that way, and all that earned her was Flash Sentry's spear up the rear to her ear, so I suggest you take a page from that glorious traitorous bastard's book instead of hers. Now, I've got some of my own stuff to deal with, so it's radio silence for the next two hours, over and out," replied Spitfire. Starlight nodded, then flipped the communicator closed and peeked out over a boulder in front of her. She saw a camp full of Cozy Glows, and in the middle, a large fire with wings held cooking over it, and nearby...Rainbow Dash, crying and on her knees, wingless, looking up at a mare-sized Cozy Glow with slightly spiky curvy hair and a black suit with green lightning stripes raising a sword. "Well, poo," Starlight muttered as she sprung into action, leaping and sliding down the hill. "RAINBOW!" "Starlight? Hey, wait...don't come closer..." Rainbow said weakly. The Cozies turned to look, most with a look of terror. The mare one, however, grinned and put her nose against Rainbow's. "Well well well, you were right they'd send a pony to save you after all...guess you won't be kissing my butt anymore, 'cause she will!" She moved her own head away and swung the sword, severing Rainbow's head. Starlight froze in horror merely a few body lengths away as Rainbow's head bounced on the dirt and blood rushed out behind it, then the mare Cozy picked it up, looked into Rainbow's blinking eyes, then casually dropped it back on the bloodstained dirt and sat on it. "You...you bastard!" Starlight spat as she looked towards the mare Cozy. "You'll pay for that!" "Me, pay for it? I was just making her pay for ruining my reputation in my past life... I really would've spared her as my pet if I was left alone, but you just had to come along and play the hero, and the Cozy would've had my hide if I let you walk away with an element of harmony." "You have no idea who you're dealing with, Li-...wait, don't you Cozies take different names, since you aren't really the original pony, just a Cozy with bits of them baked in?" Starlight asked, scratching her head. The Cozy rolled her eyes and blew a raspberry. "It's Crazy Glue." "...really? Seems kinda lame," Starlight said as she unsheathed her katana. "You're one to talk about lame names, 'Babyslayer'! At least my name tells ponies I'm CRAZY. Anyways, speaking of lame, it's pretty damn lame when somecozies ARE SITTING ON THEIR SORRY BUTTS INSTEAD OF ATTACKING THE HERO THREATENING US WITH A SWORD, YOU NINCOMPOOPS!" Crazy shouted. The other Cozies looked between themselves, one sipping a juicebox before tossing them aside, and another running out of a wooden latrine with toilet paper on her rear hoof. They all formed a semi-circle around Starlight, and soon several of them pounced. Starlight jumped up at them and spun around, her katana cleanly decapitating a pair as if they were made of butter. A cartwheel later, another two were down, one chopped in half at the waist, instead of the neck. A few got in punches on Starlight's face, making her spit blood. She took a moment to concentrate, and unleashed a magic beam. It melted holes in the stomachs of both, who looked down at the holes in terror before collapsing. The remaining Cozies were seemingly rooted in place, with the one with toilet paper on her hoof slinking back to the latrine. Crazy giggled and flew up from behind the half-ring of sweating Cozies. "There's still a lot more here, and you're already bloodied and bruised. How many more do you think you can handle, little miss hero? One snap of your horn is all it'll take, so take a good look at your future!" She spun around midair and shook her rear towards Starlight. "Big mistake..." Starlight said as she pulled out her RPG and fired right at Crazy's rear. Crazy had only a second to go wide-eyed and eep with a derped expression as the explosive embedded itself inside her, and then pooped like a balloon filled with fire, her hooves, wings, and head comically bouncing away. "So...your leader, the only one who has an idea how to fight, is gone. Wanna fight and die, or run away screaming?" Starlight asked. The remaining cozies ran off, some shrieking, some just ducking into tents with juiceboxes. "That's what I thought...hmm, maybe I should take some trophies..." Starlight said as she grabbed a Cozy head, finding weirdly it was staring at her in horror, teeth chattering. "Whoa...guess you marshmallow clone abominations take a while to die. Um...I'll just be setting you down for now, enjoy whatever afterlife you go to." Starlight went over to Rainbow's head, sighed, then wiped some discoloration off the snout's fur with a rag before stuffing it in a sack in her saddlebag. "Well, you're avenged at least...but why were you and Crazy out here to begin with...?" She mused as she went to the largest tent and looked into Crazy's logbook. It was mostly empty, but written on a recent page was a very important circling of an address just after mention of Trixie's capture, with the words "Old mad science factory cleanout, URGENT" underlined. Starlight quickly grabbed some apple juice from a supply bag and got going. "I'm coming, my stupid, foolish love..." Starlight, riding on her motorcycle in the black of a moonless night, took out her clamshell and called Spitfire. "Hey..." "Hey," Spitfire replied. "...too late, huh?" Starlight growled. "A bit. I left some Cozy heads and bodies at the dropoff site like you asked, and uh, Rainbow's head too, if ya wanna bury her or something..." "No time, but at least they won't be parading it around in the damn streets. And thanks for not trying your necromancy idea and trusting Zecora's wisdom for once, the Spike incident was more than enough," Spitfire said with a hint of frustration. "I know, I heard from Soarin'. So...our deceased friend Lightning Dust, or...Crazy Glue, wrote down that she found Trixie, and it's somehow related to the Cozy Factory. Think I'll find her there...and not just a Cozy acting like her?" Starlight asked. "No idea. I've gotten reports about Trixie, but they're vague and contradictory, and sound like they came from ponies that huffed a bit too much magic smoke while it was being blown up their rears. Only thing we know for sure is she had some brilliant robotics ideas that the Cozies abandoned and have Sunburst puzzled. At the very least, I can say that even if she got used to make a Cozy, if one mare's mind was such that plastering it on a Cozy would see no difference from the usual, it'd be her...no offense," Spitfire replied. Starlight chuckled and snorted. "Heh...none taken. Anyways, I'm nearing the city, going dark." "Roger, try to retrieve anything that might be important for how they make Cozies out of marshmallow; Sunburst and Zecora's research has made some real strides and they think they're close to a breakthrough," Spitfire said, and the connection closed. As Starlight came into Fillydelphia, she looked around to see guard towers at the city's edges. The Cozies up top thankfully didn't seem to think much of a lone pony on a motorcycle. More concerning were the empty streets...while this was the time the least ponies would be awake, there would normally be ponies out doing late night activities, and the few out were just Cozies that looked like they'd happily beat up anypony they found. As she got close to the factory and stopped, she saw that the area around it was completely demolished. Just beyond the warning signs to stay away, and a few guard towers, was a long stretch of area that had clearly been filled in with fresh dirt, save for a few areas where she could see bodybags. "So this is where they dispose of dissenters...kinda trashy." She hopped off her motorcycle and concentrated, soon teleporting in just behind a window she'd seen from the outside. She looked around the corridor a moment and perked her ears, listening for alarms. With nothing immediate other than a dull ache in her horn, probably from a weak anti-magic field, she spotted a doorway marked as "Authorized Personnel Only, and teleported past it, bringing her into another corridor, with at the end a single door labeled "Security". She smirked as she teleported once more... Inside, two Cozies in chairs at a control console with security camera feeds turned to look at her, one having rounded bulky hair, the other short and spiked. "Wait, Starli-" Starlight cut her off with a kick to the head, that took it right off and sent it bouncing into the wall. The other Cozy gulped, starting to shake, frozen with a look of fear, as her seat became wet, soon followed by yellowish drops onto the floor. "Wow, okay, this is awkward uh, guess I should've taken both your heads off...or wait, she said my name, do I...know you two?" Starlight asked with a raised eyebrow. The Cozy nodded as her body continued shaking for a moment before she opened her mouth. "I-I'm S-S-Scootaloo...and that's...Apple Bloom. Like, we're uh, we're the actual originals, continuity of mind and all, just with some Cozy stuff in and weird marshmallow bodies..." "Oh shoot, sorry to uh, scare the pee outta ya," Starlight said with a blink. "So are you...gonna just let me do my thing or...? Scootaloo hurriedly nodded, then leapt off the chair and grabbed the Cozy head, putting it back on the body it came from with a bit of some weird paste. The head blinked before opening its mouth. "Buck ME that hurt harder'n bein' buttbucked by Big Mac! Err..." Starlight blinked in surprised and looked to Scootaloo, who just shook her head and put her tongue out with a disgusted look. Apple Bloom went wide-eyed. "Okay, let's start over here, and pretend that Scootaloo didn't wet herself, and that I didn't say that." All three ponies nodded. So did nopony tell ya that us here doin' nothin' important are just rejects that don't even wanna kill ponies instead of prank 'em?" Starlight rubbed the back of her neck. "Again, sorry about that, I kinda didn't get the memo ponies like you even could exist. So...you two were early conversion experiments, I take it?" "Yep," replied Scootaloo "Sweetie too, but they really overdid her...she's literally just a marshmallow with eyes and holes now." "Sounds horrifying, yet...cute and delicious and...I really don't want to think about a filly like that..." said Starlight. "Anyways, I'm just here for Trixie, so if you'll kindly point me to her, I'll be on my way. Sorry again." Apple Bloom sighed. "She ain't here no more, and we ain't exactly kept in the loop. Only thing I know is that whenever Big Mac comes to visit, he talks about how much he wishes he could tell me how great her super-special secret shows are. I think it's a load o' horseapples, either to trap ponies, or Trixie's just out to make money off the end of the dang world." Starlight sighed. "Must've been what got Rainbow. Anyways, I can't return empty-hooved. You got anything here that could help me find her or learn about what made you two?" Scootaloo shook her head. "They packed up most of the weird science stuff when this place got turned into a detention center, but...maybe Anti Cozy would know. We can disable the alarms and tell the higher ups you used some new stealth spell or something. Oh and uh...what was that about Rainbow?" Starlight took out a flask and took a swig. "Your idol's dead, kid. Lightning Du-Crazy Glue got her." Scootaloo groaned and slammed her head on the console. "Knew she wouldn't listen when I told her she needed a cool ride and a sidekick. Buck it, tonight's the night. Gimme some of that and go do your thing." Scoots then slammed her hooves on some buttons that said "disarm". "You're awfully young but given the circumstances, uh..." Starlight extended her hoof, and the flask was gone in a split second. Scootaloo chugged the rest of the flask down, burped, tossed it aside, and looked at Apple Bloom with a grin, who gave an uneasy look in return, then jumped her, smooching her with comically loud noises on the floor. "Whoa," Starlight started as she gagged a bit. "Not comfortable seein' ponies this young doin' the dirty, and...is she okay with this or...?" Scootaloo's hoof pointed towards the door. Starlight spoke as fast as she could, saying "Right, your business, not mine, have fun, hope you disarmed the right things, bye!" before teleporting out in a blink to what she hoped was near the right cell. Immediately her horn hurt like hell, clearly this area had a lot more of a magic-suppressing field going on. It only subsided as the magic left over from the teleport left. "Damn, so much for teleporting out of here..." And sure enough, she spotted a guard pacing the corridors, who she recognized as Fleetfoot, not the least bit Cozified. Starlight shuddered at the sight. Fleetfoot grinned and chuckled. "Ooh looky here, it's Spitfire's favorite little hero, slayer of Crazy Glue, come to let me show Cozy why demoting me over a few 'war crimes' was a mistake... So then, you're here for revenge for those families, huh? Got some big magic spell or a potion ready to go? Ooh, what's it called?" Starlight tapped something in her bag and rolled it on the floor towards Fleetfoot. "Grenade," she said dryly. "...oh," Fleetfoot said with a gulp as she turned around and tried to fly away, only to have her back half blown to kingdom come. She wheezed for a moment before slumping forward. Starlight trotted over to inspect the cell door, noticing a retinal scanner, and then went to Fleetfoot's remaining front half, which was weakly trying to escape. "As expected. I'll be taking this..." she said as she took out a knife and carved out one of Fleetfoot's eyeballs before holding it up to the scanner. The door swung open, and Starlight set her knife down in Fleetfoot's forehead, making the half-mare look back with a nervous smile. "I would give a big speech and make a really witty one-liner about your weird name, but look, you're a sociopath who was too evil for Cozy Glow, so just get dead faster!" She drove the knife in all the way to the tilt. Fleetfoot gave a few spasms before going still. Starlight then trotted into the cell, not seeing anypony inside, but clear signs of a young filly, from the toys and sappy romance books about. "Fifty Shades of Hay? Really?" A Cozy Glow cautiously peeked out from under the bed and looked at her. "I-it was a phase... Um, y-you here to end me, since your the um, babyslayer?" Starlight took a moment to regain her composure. "No, no, I'm looking for some information, and apparently all the conveniently-placed logs got deleted after you villains got serious about access control policies... So you're...?" "A failure. The shoulder angel she asked for, but not what she wanted. Careful what you wish for and all..." the Cozy replied. "Well, sounds about right, but I was hoping for a name too. Do you have any idea how confusing it gets when there's 10 ponies named Cozy Glow in the same room and somehow only one of them is the real deal and the actual murderer? I still have nightmares sometimes," Starlight said with a shudder. "Oh... Call me Comfy Bright I guess. It's what they called me when they threw me in here," Comfy said dejectedly. "Hey, it's okay now," Starlight said as she put a hoof around Comfy. "So there's a few things I want to know, and...if you really are like that, maybe you could come with me, too?" Starlight asked, smiling. "Fine. What did you need to know?" Comfy asked as she inched towards Starlight. "Mainly anything you know about Trixie..." Starlight replied. "Oh, her? Great...well, let's sit down on the bed then, 'cause this is gonna take a while," said Comfy.