I always thought, even whilst digging my nails with anguish into the sofa at every painful scene in the show she shared with Crazy Cozy, that Smoulder seemed a cut above most dragons.
Less of a pushover than Spike. Not as much of a jerk as whatever-that-creep was claiming to be his dad. And just a little more open to exploring other cultures than Princess Ember.
With that being said, surely I could somehow persuade this currently groggy reptile laid out next to me under a stack of books that my unlikely story wasn’t quite as outlandish as it first appeared?
Lobbing heavy objects at her noggin probably wasn’t the best first impression, true. But I’m sure, with just a bit of persuasion and a whole lotta luck, I can make some progress…
“Ow! That stung! What the heck do you think you’re playing at? Also, why am I still alive?”
She’s surprised I didn’t kill her whilst she napped? That’s good. Maybe I can build on that distinctly un-Cozy like behaviour to convince her that…
“Wait, I know. You’re going to keep me prisoner, until you can get Twilight alone in a room with you! Then, you’ll produce some weird magical artifact… and ZAP! No more headmare! Nice try Cozy, but she’ll dishoof you with her power before you get within spellcasting distance. Gee, for such a ‘criminal mastermind’, you sure turned out to be a disappointment.”
Smoulder’s trying to get a rise out of me by attempting to puncture Cozy’s legendary ego, but it won’t work. I happen to agree that her stupid schemes could only work on the dimmest of lifeforms. S-She just caught me on a bad day when she sucked me through that portal, that’s all. Wait...
“That’s it!!” I nearly yelled out loud, the only thing stopping me from alerting other ponies probably hunting for Cozy nearby being a ‘Keep Quiet’ sign on the wall. “Thank goodness you just mentioned magical artefacts, and I thought of the wormhole I arrived here in. I know how to prove my innocence! Yahoo! Happy Days are here again!!”
“Hang on: magical wormholes prove Happy Days are… where exactly?” Maybe it was the disorienting bump on the head, but apparently Smoulder was a little more willing to listen now.
“Look Smoulder, I’m sorry I threw that big massive thing at your temple, but I really need your help right now. I’m in such a pickle, I’m not even gonna waste time by cracking any obvious Fonz jokes either.” Seeing no other option, I put all my cards on the table right there and then. “Is there anywhere we can sit and chat for around half-an-hour, so I can explain how I got here, what I’ve done so far and what a hellish experience it’s been in the alleged ‘Wonderful World Of Friendship’?”
“Uh, I don’t know about that. I mean, you’re definitely not acting like any version of Cozy I know, and even your apology there sounded genuine. But even if I thought there was the slightest chance you were telling the truth, what happens if we’re caught? They’ll send me straight back to the Dragon Lands for hiding a fugitive, and I’ll never see my friends again!”
“...And they’ll toss me into prison for the rest of my life, where a steady diet of gruel, stale air and Tirek’s snoozing will make me want to kill myself within a week! And I didn’t even do anything wrong! Well, not here anyway. Still, shoplifting some ciggies from the local off-license hardly deserves the same punishment as trying to destroy Equestria…”
“Geez, pipe down Cozy: or whatever your real name is. If you promise to stop confusing me so much, I know just the place where we won’t be disturbed. Just stick to the facts when you tell your story, because all of these odd references you’re making are giving me a headache. An even bigger one than after you knocked me out, that is.”
“It’s a deal, Smoulder. I just wish I could take your migraine away. If only I’d packed some aspirin, or paracetamol before arriving here. But I wonder: are they toxic to dragons or not? I’m not sure if it’s the kind of thing they’d advertise on the back of the packet…”
“....What did we just agree on, ‘Cozy’?”
“Aargh! Shutting up, shutting up! And you can call me ‘Nigel’!”
“ ‘Nigel’? Are you sure about that? I don’t want to be rude(!)”
“Oh, ha ha! Not everyone’s parents can give them a cool name like Nicholas. That’s my brother, by the way. Nicky Nacky, Nickmeister, Tricky Nicky… what’s my nickname? ‘Nige’. I tell you, where’s the justice?!”
“ ‘Justice’ put Cozy behind bars, and if you’re too loud that group of guards over there will hear you and repeat the action, then you will have something to complain about.”
Oops. I quickly made a zipping motion with my mouth as Smoulder visibly rolled her eyes before getting up to guide us both ahead.
Hopefully, this rampant imbecility I displayed might have a silver lining in the end: why on Equestria would the ‘normal’ Cozy behave in such a bizarre manner with complete disregard for her own freedom?
Surely, the only possible answer was she’d been taken over by some numbskull from another universe, who possessed not even a fraction of her resourcefulness and unflappability?
Basically, the difference between Smoulder believing my tall tale or not rested on me proving without doubt that a dimension-hopping device and body-swapping potion had been half-inched from the school…
...And my own natural state of being a 100% certified nitwit: a ‘quality’ so deeply entrenched in my psyche that no amount of Oscar-calibre acting could pass it off as the genuine article.
Ouch. My self-confidence just took a major body blow. But if everycreature thinking I’m a moron helps me get back home, it’s a humiliation I’m willing to accept. Whoever thought a mixture of C’s, D’s and occasional truancies would prove to be so useful? Take that, careers advisor!
………………………
“I think I just saw the soldiers check in here already. In other words, we’ll be safe. Go on Nigel. You first.”
“Wait, I know this storeroom! It’s where you gave Spike valuable advice about puberty, isn’t it? You were so cool to him in that episode, Smoulder! Shame about Pinkie’s constant interruptions, but you know what she’s like.”
“Huh? How did you… you know what, it’s not important. I’m sure you’ll tell me in great deal about your spying methods, whether I like it or not. If there’s anything I know you love by now, it’s the sound of your own voice.”
“Hmm. I don’t know whether to be insulted, or pleased that you’re finally coming round to the idea I might not be Cozy Glow. It’d be good to finally make a friend here, everycreature else seems to be out for my blood. Which usually I’d be fine with, if I wasn’t forcibly occupying her wretched husk at the moment.”
“Who said anything about ‘friends’, Nigel? I only told you I’d hear you out, nothing more nothing less. Also, if you knew anything about Cozy’s previous activities, you wouldn’t be too surprised to learn that plenty of creatures would love to see her locked up again. Of course, then there’s that smaller section who think treating a filly that way, no matter how wicked, is immoral…”
“Now who’s a chatterbox, Smoulder? Anyway, in I go. I’m glad you’re wearing a coat and not a hat… because if you were, you’d eat it after hearing my tragic lament of treachery, debauchery and shattered headcanons. It’s the kind of schtick bad fanfiction is made for: But in my case, all this actually happened!”
“Yeah, yeah. Just move it.” Clearly Smoulder had already had it up to here with my irrelevant asides and constant buffoonery. Can’t say I blame her… I try being serious sometimes, but it just doesn’t come naturally.
Maybe playing the clown covers up for the rest of my glaring deficiencies? Who can say. Perhaps a trip to the psychiatrist is what’s called for. I’ll definitely need some form of therapy, if I can get through this.
Suddenly, a random thought snapped me out of my self-pitying, but by the time it’d popped into my head it was already too late.
What if letting me go out in front was all just part of a plan for Smoulder to shut me away in the storeroom, whilst she flew off to fetch Twilight and company?
Just because it seems like she’s beginning to believe me, it doesn’t mean she isn’t still a bit dubious. She might’ve decided this situation was too much for a child such as herself, and made a snap decision to summon the adults after all.
And where is it said ‘never trust a dragon’? The Hobbit? Game Of Thrones? (Oops, that was more ‘never trust a Dragon Queen’).
Maybe I’m just a prejudiced bigot who made those words up on my own. Either way, I was probably about to discover the price of betrayal for myself…
“What are you looking so worried about?” Smoulder frowned, as she closed the door behind her. “Oh I get it: you thought I was gonna lock you up while I made a dash for it. Contrary to what you might've heard, us dragons never welch on a promise. Well, some might… but they’re chased outta the Dragon Lands quicker than it takes a Timberwolf to burn to ashes. Anyway, spill. Remember, what you’re about to tell me might make the difference between a cage in Tartarus or a one-way ticket back to Urth. Better make it a doozie.”
No pressure, then. Gulp.